Break Free from the Chains of Resolutions: Become Who You're Meant to Be

In this episode, we explore the concept of identity-based change and how it trumps traditional resolutions that often set us up for failure. Starting with the excitement of a new day, we delve into why resolutions frequently fail and how focusing on who we want to become rather than what we want to achieve can lead to sustainable transformation. 

Using powerful examples and metaphors like pickleball training, Charlotte Jukes emphasises the importance of small, consistent actions in rewiring our nervous system for lasting change. 

Key takeaways include understanding that slip-ups are not failures but information, focusing on repetition over perfection, and setting intentions based on identity.

 Whether you're feeling the weight of broken promises or just need a fresh approach, this episode offers actionable insights to help you become more of who you truly are.

00:00 A Fresh Start: Embracing New Beginnings

01:05 Understanding the Weight of Resolutions

02:24 The Broken System: Why Effort Isn't Enough

03:21 Introducing Identity-Based Change

05:25 The Power of Identity Over Resolutions

08:59 Practical Steps for Lasting Change

18:41 Visualization and Setting Intentions

24:27 Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts

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Music: Purple Planet Music
Thanks to Purple Planet Music for Pickleball & Partnership Intro and Outro music Purple Planet Music is a collection of music written and performed by Chris Martyn and Geoff Harvey. 

Transcript

0:00

It is January the fifth, and I woke up this morning genuinely excited, excited that it's Monday, that it's a new day, a new week, a fresh start, and whatever day you are listening to this podcast episode on know that today is the same. It's a new day. It's a new week. It can be a fresh start. And I also know that that's not how everyone feels And I do remember what it was like when Mondays felt heavy, when a fresh start just felt like another chance to fail. When I'd look at people who seemed excited about New beginnings and think, well, what's wrong with me? And how many of you have had that Sunday evening feeling The feeling that happens the evening before Monday morning when it's like, oh my goodness, Groundhog Day again tomorrow. Back to work. Here's Monday rolling round again. So if you are listening to this and you don't feel excited, if you feel tired or stuck, or like you've already broken every promise you made to yourself last week on the 1st of January, I want you to know something. You are not broken, you are not lazy, and it is not too late. Maybe you made resolutions last week, maybe you didn't, because what's the point when you've broken them every year before anyway? Maybe you are listening to this right now while doing something else. Maybe you're doing the dishes or driving avoiding something harder because sitting still with yourself feels too uncomfortable. How many of us have been in that position? And maybe there's a part of you that's just tired, not just physically tired, I mean soul tired. Tired of trying so hard, tired of failing, quietly tired of pretending that you're fine when you are really so stuck. And if that's you, this episode is for you. Because you're not using the wrong amount of effort. I know I see you. I was that person working so hard. It's not your effort. You are using a broken system, and I'm going to show you why it doesn't work and what does. Welcome to Pickleball and Partnership, where we talk about the game of pickleball and the life that teaches us who we really are. And I'm telling you this now, this is not going to be another motivational speech about crushing your goals or becoming your best self. This is for the person who is done with performing. Who's ready to stop beating themselves up? Who wants to understand why change feels so impossibly hard? And what actually makes it possible? Because here's the truth that nobody tells you. There's nothing magical about the 1st of January, but there is something powerful about finally understanding how you actually work. So let me ask you something. When you made your resolutions this year, maybe it was to, I don't know, lose weight, get organized, improve your pickleball game, be a better partner, what were you actually thinking? And if you are honest, it probably sounded something like, well, this year I'm going to be disciplined. I'm going to push through. I'm going to force myself to be different. And that right there is the problem because resolutions are. Built on the belief that you need to be fixed, that you are broken in some way. How crazy is that? That who you are right now isn't good enough? And if you just had more willpower or more discipline, more motivation, you'd finally become the person that you're supposed to be. Oh my gosh, that feels such a heavy weight. But here's what actually happens. You white knuckle it for a few days, maybe even a few weeks. You are running on fumes, you're running on shame on the should. All those should bes on the fantasy of who you'll be when you finally get it together. And then life happens because it does to all of us. You have a bad day, you miss one workout, you lose your temper once, and because the whole thing was built on perfection, one slip feels like total failure. So you quit and you tell yourself you'll try again next year. Who's with me on this? Sound familiar? Oh my gosh. Recovering perfectionist here. And here's why this cycle keeps repeating, because resolutions focus on behavior change without addressing the. Identity that's underneath that you are trying to change what you do without changing who you believe you are. Let me say that again. You're trying to change what you do, your behavior without changing who you believe you are. And your nervous system will always pull you back to what feels familiar, even when what feels familiar isn't serving you. Because that's what the nervous system does. It's designed that way to keep us safe, to pull us back to what's familiar. So let's talk about what's really happening when a resolution fails your conscious mind. So that's the part that makes the resolutions controls only about 5% of your daily behavior and the other 95%, that's your subconscious, that's your nervous system, your autopilot. And your autopilot is running programs that were years ago, maybe decades ago, right back to when we were very small. We were children maybe around the age of 5, 6, 7. And these programs look like I'm not the athletic type, or I always sabotage good things, or conflict means danger, so I should avoid it. Or perhaps I have to earn love by being perfect. That was mine. So when you make a resolution to go to the gym every day, but deep down you still believe, I'm not the athletic type. Guess who wins your subconscious every time. And that's why willpower doesn't work. And it's not because you're lazy, it's not because you're weak and it's not because you're not trying, you're just trying to. Override a system that was designed to keep you safe by keeping you the same. Oh my gosh. And doesn't that make perfect sense? And here's where the pickleball metaphor becomes really useful. So think about when you're learning a new shot. Maybe it's a, I dunno, a top spin serve or a backhand roll. At first it feels. Awkward. It feels so unnatural. Your body wants to go back to the old motion because that's what it knows, and you can't just try harder and expect it to click. You have to practice the new pattern slowly and repeatedly with purpose, with awareness, until your nervous system accepts that it's safe until it becomes the new normal, the new pattern, the new rewiring of those neuropathways in the brain. And change works the same way. So it's not about forcing anything, it's about repetition, patience and regulating your nervous system. So if resolutions don't work, what does? Instead of focusing on what you want to do, focus on who you want to become. And this is what's called identity based change. And it's how lasting transformation actually happens. So here's the difference. This is what resolution thinking sounds like. I want to lose 20 pounds. But with identity thinking, it sounds like I want to become someone who takes care of my body. And here's another example related to pickleball. So resolution thinking would sound like I want to play pickleball three times a week. And identity thinking sounds more like I want to become someone who prioritizes movement and play and fun. Here's another example. Resolution thinking sounds like I want to stop snapping at my partner. And identity thinking sounds like I want to become someone who responds with curiosity instead of defensiveness. Can you see the shift there? When you focus on identity, every small action becomes evidence of who you're becoming. And it's not just a checkbox on a list. You don't go to the gym because you have to. You go, because that's what somebody who takes care of their body does. And you don't force yourself to be patient with your partner. You practice curiosity because that's who you are becoming. And I would take this one step further. I would say you practice curiosity because that's who you are. Step into that identity, put it on like a coat, try it on, see how it feels, really step into that new identity. And it's funny because I was talking to a friend of mine last week and she and I actually had, drifted apart. And we connected again last week after probably, I'm guessing around three or four years, and she had gone through something very challenging in her life, and this resonated with me because actually our daughter had gone through something very similar with addiction and so my friend opened up to me and very courageously and very vulnerably shared that she struggled going to meetings where she was surrounded by other people who were addicted to alcohol. She had gone to some AA meetings and to stand up and to say, at every meeting, my name is such and such, and I'm an alcoholic, reinforce that same identity. And it's funny because I remember having the same conversation with our daughter and saying, the meetings are great and I'm certainly not knocking them at all. Absolutely helps so many people, but I think there comes a point where it's not helpful to go to a meeting and to continually say to yourself every morning, I am an alcoholic, or I am somebody who argues with my partner, or I am a lazy person, or I am overweight because every day you are. reinforcing that identity and until we step into a new identity and say to ourselves, I am an athletic person. I am someone who takes care of my body. I am someone who doesn't drink alcohol. I take care of myself. That's when real change happens. And you will slip up absolutely a hundred percent. But know that this is not failure. It's information. It's simply information. So you can ask yourself, what would the person that I'm becoming, what would the person whose identity I have now stepped into do next? And then you get to choose again. And it doesn't have to just be the 1st of January. So for anyone who is listening, who's thinking, oh my gosh, it's six days in, it's seven days in, it's 30 days in, it doesn't matter. Every moment of every day is an opportunity for you to choose again. Let me give you a concrete example on the pickleball court. So let's say you want to improve your pickleball game this year. If you approach it like a resolution, you might say, I'm going to drill for an hour every day and I'm going to win more tournaments. That's outcome focused, and it's really fragile because if you miss a day or lose a tournament, the whole thing can feel pointless. But if you approach it with identity, what you say instead is. I'm becoming the kind of player who shows up consistently, who learns from my mistakes and enjoys the process. Look at the fun I'm having. And so now every time you step onto the court, whether you win or you lose, you are reinforcing that identity. And if you miss an easy shot, instead of spiraling into, oh my gosh, I'm terrible. I'm the worst player. No. Instead you think to yourself, the player I'm becoming stays curious about what went wrong. Oh my gosh, what happened there? How could I do things differently? And if you have a bad game, the player you're becoming doesn't quit. They reset. They breathe and show up again. Show up again tomorrow, show up again for the next point. Show up again for the next game. So you see how this changes everything. You are not chasing an outcome. You are becoming someone new. And that is sustainable, my friends. That is real change. So here's what I want you to do instead of making resolutions this year, and if you already have, that's fine, but I would love for you to also ask yourself these three questions. Number one, who do I want to become this year? Not, what do I want to achieve? Not what do I want to fix? Who do you want to be? Maybe it's, I want to be someone who trusts themselves, or I want to be someone who stays calm. Under pressure, or I want to be someone who's fully present with the people I love, and write that down. Make it specific because the ego loves to be vague. Question number two, what does that person do every day? And this is where the behavior comes in, but now it's rooted in identity. So if you want to become someone who trusts themselves, maybe that person journals every morning to check in with their intuition. Or if you want to be someone who stays calm under pressure. Maybe that person practices breath work for five minutes a day, or if you want to be someone who's present, maybe that person puts their phone away during dinner, and they don't have to be huge things. They just have to be aligned with the person that you are becoming, the person that you are, your new identity. Question number three, what's the smallest version of this that I can do today? And this is crucial because big changes come from small, consistent actions. I am gonna say that again because I think I know I needed to hear this. Big changes come from small, consistent actions. It's those small actions that count. It's those small steps that add up and create big changes. So you don't need to journal for an hour. Start with one sentence, turn that into three sentences. You don't need to do a 30 minute breath work session. Start with one slow deep breath. Now turn that into three deep breaths, and you don't need to be present all day long. That sounds like, that's not even possible in the beginning. Start with being present for one conversation. The goal isn't perfection. The goal is repetition. So every time you do the small thing, what you're doing is telling your nervous system, this is who I am and I am safe, and eventually your nervous system believes you. So let's take a moment right now to set your intention for this year. It's not a resolution, it's a new Identity So if it's safe to do so. take a comfortable seat or stand. Make sure that your feet are grounded to the earth. close your eyes or soften your gaze and take a slow, deep breath in through your nose. Holding at the top and exhale slowly through the mouth. And now ask yourself, who do I want to become this year? Who am I becoming? Not what you want to do, who you want to be, and let the answer arise naturally, even if it feels vague or incomplete. Maybe it's just a simple word that arises for you. Trust whatever comes up. And now imagine yourself six months from now fully embodying this version of yourself. Visualize, how do you carry yourself? How are you walking into a room? How are you walking down the street? How do you speak? How do you respond when things get challenging? Notice what that feels like in your body. Maybe there's more space in your chest, maybe your shoulders soften. Maybe you feel a little bit taller and more grounded. This is who you are stepping into. This is who you are becoming. Not because you are forcing anything, not because you feel shame about needing to change. It's through those small aligned actions, one small choice at a time. And now ask yourself, what's the smallest thing I can do today that aligns with this new version of me? And let that answer come and when you're able to write that down so that you can remember that. Take one more slow, deep breath all the way down into the bottom of your belly. Holding. And then as you exhale, when you are ready, open your eyes. And here's what I want you to remember. This year isn't about becoming someone new. It's about becoming more of who you already are. Underneath those old patterns, the old stories and the old identities, the old beliefs that actually were never really yours to hang onto anyway. You don't need to be fixed. You need to actually be freed from these beliefs, from these old patterns and stories. And that freedom comes from alignment, from making choices that reflect. Who you are becoming and not who you used to be. So forget the resolutions. Focus on identity. Focus on small, consistent actions. Focus on being kind to yourself when you slip up because. Here's the thing, change isn't linear. It's not a straight line. And growth isn't this idea of of being perfect. But when you stay committed to becoming, instead of achieving the next thing, you really can't fail. There is no failing. It's simply learning. So on the pickleball court, the best players are not the ones who never make mistakes. Of course not. They're the ones who reset quickly. They're the ones that stay present in the present moment. The ones who remember that one bad shot doesn't define the game. So this year, treat your life the same way. One choice at a time, one point at a time. None of us trying to be perfect.'cause who wants perfectionism anyway? It's boring. And when you fall back into the old patterns, because you will ask yourself, what would the person I'm becoming do next? And then choose again. And that's how you change. Thank you for being here on day six of the new year, or whatever day it is for you when you listen to this, or really just another Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, whatever day on your journey. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who. Already feeling the pressure of resolutions that they can't keep, and remind them that they don't need to be fixed. They just need a better approach. That works. And if you're ready to work on this more deeply to identify who you're becoming and build practices that actually stick, you can find me on Facebook or Instagram or send me an email. The links are in the show notes below, so until next time, keep showing up, keep choosing, and keep becoming, because that's where the real transformation lives. Here are your key takeaways from today's episode one resolutions. Focus on fixing. Identity focuses on becoming. Resolutions, assume that you're broken, whereas identity-based change assumes that you're evolving. Ask yourself, who do I want to become? Not what do I need to fix? Two. Your nervous system runs 95% of your behavior and willpower is only 5% of the equation. Real change happens when you reprogram your subconscious through consistent aligned action, not force. Number three, every small action is evidence. You don't need dramatic transformation. Every time you make an aligned choice, you are telling your nervous system, Hey, this is who I am now. Change happens through repetition, not perfection. Number four. Slipups aren't failures. They're information. When you fall back into old patterns, don't spiral. Ask yourself, what would the person I'm becoming do next? And then choose again because growth is not linear. Number five, start with the smallest version. Three deep breaths. Three sentences in a journal. One present conversation. Small actions build new identities. The goal is consistency, not intensity. And number six, you can't fail at becoming when you shift from achieving to becoming. There's no finish line to miss. There's only learning, adjusting, and choosing. Again, you're not chasing an outcome. You are embodying an identity.