Ditch the Approval Game: Love Yourself Like a Pro

In this episode of Pickleball and Partnership, host Charlotte Jukes unpacks a common stumbling block: the desperate need for approval from others. 

Charlotte explores the evolutionary basis of approval seeking, its modern-day pitfalls, and offers actionable insights on shifting focus from external validation to self-compassion. 

Through practical examples and insightful anecdotes, listeners will learn how to genuinely appreciate others, practice self-compassion, and ultimately find freedom in liking themselves. 

Key takeaways include understanding the neuroscience of approval seeking, the benefits of appreciating others, and concrete steps to develop a healthier relationship with oneself.

00:00 Introduction: The Approval Paradox

01:46 The Lie: We Need Others to Like Us

07:36 The Alternative: Liking Others to Feel Good

15:01 The Deeper Truth: Liking Yourself to Be Free

25:54 Practical Steps to Self-Compassion

28:17 Conclusion and Key Takeaways

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Music: Purple Planet Music
Thanks to Purple Planet Music for Pickleball & Partnership Intro and Outro music Purple Planet Music is a collection of music written and performed by Chris Martyn and Geoff Harvey.

Transcript

Charlotte J 0:00

What if I told you that your desperate need to be liked is actually backwards? All that energy you are spending trying to get people to approve of you, to think that you smart enough or funny enough or successful enough, what if that's not just exhausting, but it's actually pointing you in the wrong direction? Welcome back to Pickleball and Partnership, where we are talking about the game of pickleball and the life that teaches us who we really are. If that sounds like your cup of tea, pull up a chair, grab your paddle and join me as we dive in.

0:42

Welcome to Pickleball and Partnership podcast. I'm Charlotte Jukes, your host, and today we're unpacking something that I see trip up almost every client I work with, and honestly, something that I've had to work through myself as well, because here's the lie, we've all been sold. We need others to like us. Here's the truth that shifts everything. We need to like others to feel good. And here's the deeper truth that actually sets you free. We need to like our selves to be free. So over the next little while here, we are going to break down why your brain is wired to seek approval and why that's keeping you stuck and what real freedom actually looks like. And I promise you, this isn't just theory. This is the work that changes everything. So let's dive in. Let's start with the lie. We need others to like us. Now, before you think I'm going to tell you that other people's opinions don't matter at all. Hold on a sec, because. Evolutionary speaking, being liked by your tribe literally meant survival. If you were rejected from your group, from your tribe, 10,000 years ago, you died. So your brain developed this incredibly sensitive radar for social approval. And it's not a character flaw, it's your actual biology. The problem today is that we are not living in small tribes anymore, but our brains haven't got the memo. That same survival mechanism that kept all of our ancestors alive is now making us craft the perfect text message for 20 minutes, or avoid speaking up in meetings or saying yes. When actually you mean know how many of us do that on a regular basis? So let me ask you. How does approval seeking show up for you? Maybe it is people pleasing. Maybe it's rearranging your entire schedule to accommodate someone else even when it costs you, or maybe it's over apologizing. Do you find yourself saying, sorry for existing, for taking up space, for having needs, or maybe it's shape shifting? Becoming whoever it is you think somebody wants you to be. I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but where your one version of yourself may be when you walk into your childhood home or the home where your parents are and you're another version of yourself with your partner, and then yet another version of yourself with your work colleagues. And your children, and oh my gosh, you are exhausted because you've lost track of who you actually are. maybe it's conflict avoidance. So letting resentment build, because confrontation feels very challenging for you, and it might mean that someone won't like you anymore. I remember a time when I was nursing and I walked into the office one day And there was one lady in particular who loved to stop whoever was walking by and engage in conversation with them. She literally just wanted to tell her story, and I got sucked into that. I stood there and I listened to her story at the cost of what I knew I needed to do for that day for my clients, but also for myself as well. And I realized that I really wasn't showing up for me. I showed up because I wanted her to like me. I wanted to feel that connection. And I realized that in that moment, I wasn't being authentic. Yes, I was listening and holding space, but I wasn't actually present for her. And so that did me no favors. And it also didn't do her any favors either, because the fact that she then went onto the next person and told the next person the same story, she actually wasn't getting what she needed either. So that was a wake up call for me. That was a moment where I realized how much I bought into being the person that other people wanted me to be. And here's what the research tells us. When someone approves of us, our brain releases dopamine, that's the same neurotransmitter that's involved in addiction. We get a hit. It feels good for about five minutes, but here's the problem. External validation is like junk food for the brain. It gives you that quick hit, but it doesn't actually nourish you and just like junk food, you need more and more of it to get the same feeling Hit after hit. Psychologists call this the hedonic treadmill, so you get the approval, you feel good for a brief moment, and then you need the next hit. So perhaps someone likes your post on Facebook. Great, but how many likes did you get compared to last time? Or someone compliments you, which feels amazing in the moment, but what about the person who didn't compliment you? Being liked? Never feels like enough because it's. Always conditional. It's based on what you do and how you perform, whether you actually meet someone else's standards, and those standards are always moving. So we end up living in this exhausting prison where your sense of worth is entirely dependent on whether other people approve of you in that moment. And quite honestly. And something I've come to realize is that's not freedom, that's actually captivity. So if seeking approval from others is a trap, what's the alternative? And here's where things start to shift. We need to like others to feel good. Now, this might sound counterintuitive. counterintuitive, but stay with me. There's actually incredible research on this. So when we focus on appreciating others, when we are generous, when we offer genuine compassion, our brains light up. We get endorphins. We get oxytocin. That bonding hormone scientists call it the helper's high. Here's what's fascinating. When you genuinely focus on liking someone else, on finding what's interesting or admirable about them, you stop needing their approval. Think about it. When you are in a conversation and you are genuinely curious about the other person, you genuinely appreciate something about them. Are you worrying about whether they like you or not? No, you can't do both at the same time. It's interesting. It reminds me, of a time on the pickleball court I had signed up for open play, so I actually had no idea who was going to show up. There's some kind of fun. And anticipation in not knowing who's going to be there And as I walked up to the group, there were people that I knew, really good friends of mine, people I have played with before. And there were also some people that I had never met before, which is always exciting. And one lady in particular, I remember looking at her. And she had a very serious face, and immediately I imagined, oh my gosh, she's very serious about pickleball. That means that she's very good at pickleball in this level. Oh my gosh. See where my mind went to in that moment. Anyway, we've played a few games together I am always one for smiling and laughing on the pickleball court. After the point, it regulates myself, and I like to think that it communicates to my partner as well as my opponents across the net that I'm there for fun and not taking it all too seriously. But she didn't. She was very serious, very. Stoic in her facial features, and the old me as we walked off the pickleball court would have retreated, and not engaged with her. Allowing my mind to take over with thoughts of, well, she's not friendly. Oh, she's very serious. She won't like me. She won't want to have a conversation with me. That was the old me, but the new me who's done a bit of this work thought, hang on a second, let's. Connect with her. Let me get curious and find out something about her. So I asked her how long she had been playing for then complimented something I really appreciated about her play. It was actually her serve. I was very impressed with the way she served and added some spin to the ball at the same time. And we got chatting and She seemed quite surprised that I had complimented her we carried on talking a bit I asked her how long she'd been playing where she usually plays and what she likes about the game of pickleball, her whole demeanor changed and my demeanor changed as I got curious. And I appreciated her. There was no part of my mind that was then thinking, she doesn't like me. She takes this very seriously. We can't have fun here. And so what I realized was in that moment, it felt so different for me. I felt so excited and lit up to be finding out about another person to be so curious about them, that I really wanted to gain an understanding of who they were and how pickleball perhaps changed her life. It felt completely different for me, and this is where mirror neurons come in, These are brain cells that fire both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else performing that action. They're part of why when we yawn, we see others yawn too. Why we feel uncomfortable when we watch somebody else embarrass themselves. But here's the beautiful part. When you genuinely like someone, when you see them clearly and appreciate them, they feel it not because you are performing or trying to get something from them, but because there is this authentic appreciation that. In itself creates authentic connection. And that's exactly what I saw in that moment with this stranger, this person I'd never played with before. My authentic appreciation, created authentic connection with her, and I just saw her melt and soften and lean in and want to engage with me. this is the paradox. When you stop performing for approval and we really start genuinely appreciating others. We often end up creating that very connection that we were desperately seeking in the first place. A great mentor of mine always says, if you are seeking love from someone else, that's what you should give. Give love. If you are seeking safety, give safety. Give that to others. It's incredible how that actually works. But, and this is important, there's still a trap here because I need to like you to feel good is still dependency. It's still external. We are still giving our emotional state away to someone else who's outside of ourselves. So what if that person isn't likable that day? What if they're having a terrible day and they're rude to you? What if I had approached this lady and she was completely shut down. She was having an awful day. She was there to play pickleball, not to engage. She dismissed me, turned her back on me, and walked away. What if I couldn't find anything to appreciate? if my peace in that moment depends on being able to like others. Then I'm still not free. And so that brings us to the deeper truth and here is where the real freedom lives. We need to like ourselves to be free. And I want to be really clear about what I mean by liking yourself because this isn't about narcissism or arrogance or thinking that you're better than everyone else. researcher Christian Neff studied self-compassion. That makes this distinction that I would love to share with you here. Self-esteem is about evaluating yourself positively, often in comparison to others, like, I'm good because I'm better than them, self-compassion, or what I am calling here. Self liking is about treating yourself with the same kindness that you'd offer a good friend. It's. About accepting yourself as a flawed, imperfect, beautiful human person who is doing their best, that's the difference between I need to prove that I'm worthy, and I'm worthy because I'm human. Let me give you an example here, and I'm going to go back to the pickleball court because I have learned so much about myself and others, but especially about myself on the pickleball court. So in the moments where. I play and I miss a shot. I hit a ball back that was going out or I hit the net, especially on a serve, and I berate myself. And I judge myself in that moment. I become very tense. My body tenses and the thoughts that go through my mind are, you are useless at pickleball. You are not as good as other people. Why are you even here? If you can't be the best, why are you even playing? Is it really about fun or is it about being complimented and admired and having other people tell you how good you are? So in those moments. Now I can catch myself, I can breathe. The breath is always the first step for me, and so I breathe. I take a moment to pause and really breathe into the bottom of my belly, and I hold it there for a moment and just allow the noise to settle. And then I can practice self-compassion, so I can change that inner dialogue. I can quieten the inner critic and instead I can say to myself, you did your best in that moment. If you loosen your grip on your paddle, maybe that will help. But in that moment, you did the best that you could. Everyone messes up. You are human. It's okay. You are learning, you're not professional, and you don't have any intention of being professional. This is about having fun. meeting and connecting with people, making new friends, having a laugh. Doing something active, keeping your body healthy. Everything changes in that moment, I can stand on the pickleball court and take the next shot in a relaxed, compassionate way. In a way that allows me to show up for the next moment, to let that last moment go and not keep reliving it. Because when I keep reliving it, I'm going to mess up the next shot. I speak to myself like I'm speaking to a small child. It's okay, you've got this. It was one shot. Everyone misses a serve. everyone hits the ball into the net. You are human. You are learning. It makes such an incredible difference. So let me give you the neuroscience here, because this is where it gets really interesting. Your brain has something called the default mode network, and it's active when you are not focused on a specific task. So when your mind is wandering, and that network is active, guess what? It's doing. Self criticism. The part of your brain, your amygdala, your brain's threat detection system gets activated and your body goes into stress response, you are literally treating yourself as a threat. And the amygdala says, warning. there's a threat. It's life or death. But when you practice self-compassion, when you genuinely like yourself, your parasympathetic nervous system activates, and this is your rest and digest mode. This is your safety system, and in this state, your body relaxes. You can think more clearly. And in this state, you have access to your prefrontal cortex. that's the part of your brain that does complex problem solving and emotional regulation and we're able to think clearly and logically and rationally. So in that moment, what you are actually doing is creating a secure attachment with yourself. You become your own safe base. And here's what changes. When you like yourself, other people's opinions become purely data. And not verdicts. So if someone doesn't like you, you can say to yourself, Hmm, interesting. Maybe something you need to look at. But it doesn't devastate you because it doesn't change your fundamental sense of worth, and you can receive feedback without collapsing. I think we all know that feeling where somebody says something and we physically feel ourselves collapse into that. So. With self-compassion, when someone criticizes you, you don't hear you are worthless. What you hear instead is, Hmm, here's some information and you can consider it. You can learn from it if it's useful and if it's not, you can just discard it. I'm very visual, so I like to think of in those moments as though I'm walking into a closet and I'm trying on perhaps a jacket or a coat, and this is the words that somebody else has said to me, the critical words. And so I'm trying them on like I would a coat and I'm getting a sense of. Hmm. How does that feel? Does that fit with me? Does that land in any way? I'm considering it. I am deciphering if I can learn anything from it, if it's useful for me, and if it's not just like a coat, I can take it off and I can put it back on the hanger and I don't need to wear it. That has been very helpful for me. And so here's another thing that changes. When you like yourself, you can offer genuine appreciation without having an agenda. you can compliment someone, support them, and even celebrate someone without needing it to be reciprocated. You don't need anything in return. Because you are already filling your own cup. You are already creating that safe environment within yourself. And you are also free to be disliked without falling apart. Imagine that When you like yourself, you can make the hard choice. You can set that boundary, you can speak your truth and allow yourself to disappoint someone and survive it. You can be disliked and still be okay. That is freedom. So let me tell you what this looks like practically. When you like yourself, you stop over explaining and over justifying your decisions. Your decisions are your decisions, and it's okay for the other person to accept them or not accept them. You can say no without having to apologize it's okay to say no because that's your truth. You can receive a compliment without deflecting it. You can say thank you and allow that to land and fully be open to receiving it without feeling like you need to reciprocate a compliment or justify the thing that the person is complimenting You can make mistakes without spiraling into shame. The mistake is a learning experience. The mistake shows me where I can change how I reacted to something or the action that I took. It doesn't mean anything about me, you can be alone without feeling lonely, and this was something, it took me a long time to feel comfortable with. Growing up it didn't feel like I could be alone because I was always taught that if you are a good person, if you are popular, you will always have people around you. And actually there's a lot of. Nourishment and safety in being on your own loving yourself and being okay with being with yourself. It's actually very beautiful and cathartic, and you can be in a room full of people. Still stay connected to yourself, and this isn't about never caring what anyone thinks. It's about your sense of self not being held hostage to what anyone else thinks. So how do you actually practice this? I'd love to give you three things to take away this week and perhaps invite into your daily lives. The first one is notice the approval seeking. simply bring awareness to it. Notice when do you shape shift? What situations trigger your people pleasing? Who is it that you perform for? Because you can't change what you don't see. So the first part here is just simply bringing awareness. I invite you to journal on this if that's something that you feel called to do. The second step is practice appreciation. So today, find something genuinely likable in someone else, not to get them to like you back, not to manipulate, not to perform in any way. Just notice something that's interesting or admirable or simply human about another person. This really trains the brain to move from, do they like me to, what do I appreciate here? And the third step is a self-compassion check-in. So this is the big one. Talk to yourself like someone you like when you make a mistake, instead of berating yourself and saying, oh my gosh, I'm such an idiot. Try instead. I'm learning. What would I say to a friend right now? And when you're struggling, instead of saying, I should be better at this, how about trying on this is difficult and I'm doing my best? I invite you to put your hand on your heart and say something kind to yourself right now. It will feel weird at first, but do it anyway. So here's my invitation to you. What would change if you stopped performing for approval? What would you do differently? What would you say? Who would you become? Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I enjoyed recording it for you. If something resonated with you, please share this with a friend and reach out to me and let me know. I would love to hear from you, and if you want a top 10 tips for. Playing pickleball with your partner. I've added them to the show notes as well. Send me an email or find me on social media. I would love to connect. and Here are the key takeaways from today's episode. 1. Your approval addiction is your brain survival wiring gone haywire. Seeking approval triggers dopamine like a drug, but external validation never satisfies your chasing a hit that wears off in minutes, leaving you hungrier than before. 2. When you genuinely like others, you stop needing them to like you. You can't simultaneously think, do they like me and genuinely appreciate someone. At the same time, shift your focus from performing to connecting and watch the desperation disappear. 3. Self-criticism puts your brain in threat mode. Self-compassion puts your brain in safety mode. Beating yourself up activates stress hormones. Treating yourself kindly activates your rest and digest system. Your nervous system literally can't tell the difference between external threats and your own inner critic. 4. Self liking turns opinions into information instead of verdicts. When you like yourself, feedback doesn't devastate you. It actually informs you. You can be criticized, you can even be disliked and still be okay. That's what freedom actually feels like. 5. You can't perform your way into authenticity. Approval seeking requires shape. Shifting into whoever you think other people want you to be self liking lets you stay grounded in who you actually are. Choose which one. 6. The real question isn't, do they like me? It's do I like who I'm being? When you're trying to be liked, you lose yourself. When you like yourself, you find yourself, and ironically, that's when real connection becomes possible.

Charlotte J 31:07

Thank you for being here today. Thank you for showing up and doing this work with me, and if this episode resonated, take a moment to share it with a friend who might need this reminder that, they don't have to carry it all alone.