Why You Can't Rest: Overcoming the Invisible Load and Nervous System Dysregulation

Happy Happy 1st Birthday Pickleball & Partnership 🥳 🎉

In this episode of Pickleball in Partnership, host Charlotte Jukes delves into the often overlooked Invisible Load that many carry, which makes true rest feel unattainable.
She explains how our nervous systems are conditioned to remain in a state of hypervigilance, which impacts our ability to truly relax. Charlotte shares personal anecdotes, the science behind nervous system states, and practical steps to signal to your body that it's safe to rest. 
She also celebrates a year of the podcast and encourages listeners to prioritise self-care and rest for sustainable well-being. Follow along for actionable advice on how to rewire your nervous system for true relaxation.

00:00 Introduction: The Struggle with Rest

00:57 The Invisible Load: Why Rest Feels Impossible

04:42 Understanding Your Nervous System

05:48 Personal Story: Hypervigilance and Its Impact

07:22 The Importance of Resetting: Lessons from Pickleball

11:52 Practical Steps to Teach Your Body to Rest

18:10 The Necessity of Rest: Final Thoughts

20:11 Conclusion: Embracing Rest and Moving Forward

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Music: Purple Planet Music
Thanks to Purple Planet Music for Pickleball & Partnership Intro and Outro music Purple Planet Music is a collection of music written and performed by Chris Martyn and Geoff Harvey. 

Transcript

0:00

Can I ask you something? When was the last time you actually rested? Not collapsed in exhaustion? After pushing yourself to the breaking point, not scrolled your phone, while your mind raced with tomorrow's to-do list, not relaxed while simultaneously planning dinner, remembering you need to email someone back and mentally reviewing everything you didn't finish today. I mean actually rested where your body felt safe enough to soften where your mind could actually be still, where you weren't waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you can't remember, you are not alone. And here's what I want you to understand. It's not because you are bad at rest. It's not because you haven't tried hard enough to relax. It's because your nervous system won't let you. Welcome to Pickleball in Partnership, where we talk about the game and the life that teaches us who we really are. I'm your host, Charlotte Jukes, and today we are talking about something that doesn't get talked about enough. The invisible load you are carrying. That makes rest feel not just difficult, but impossible. The hyper vigilance that keeps you scanning for problems even when there aren't any, the productivity addiction that makes you feel guilty every time you sit down. The belief that if you're not doing something, you are not worth something. This episode is for anyone who's soul tired but can't seem to rest. Who knows that they need to slow down, but their body won't let them. Let's talk about why that is and what actually helps. Before we dive in, I want to take just a moment to acknowledge something really special. This week marks one whole year of pickleball and partnership. That's 52 weeks of showing up, of having these conversations, of exploring what it means to be human, on the pickleball court and off and honestly, when I started this podcast, I didn't know if anyone would listen, but you did. You showed up week after week, you shared these episodes with people you love. You sent messages telling me how something landed, how it shifted your perspective, how it gave you permission to finally feel what you've been carrying. So thank you for being here, for doing this work, for letting me be part of your journey. This podcast exists because of you and for you. Now, let's talk about why rest feels impossible. So there's this thing that happens especially to women, especially to caregivers, especially to people who were raised to be responsible. You wake up and before your feet hit the floor, your brain is already running. Did I respond to that email? What's for dinner? When is that appointment? Who needs me today? What did I forget? And throughout the day, even when you are doing one thing, part of your brain is tracking something else. Everything else, you're cooking dinner while mentally planning tomorrow, you're at work while remembering you need to call your mum. You're playing pickleball, but you can't fully be present because you are already thinking about what you have to do when you get home. This is called the Invisible load. It's the mental and emotional labour of anticipating needs, tracking details, managing relationships, remembering the things no one else remembers. And here's the thing, you can't put it down, not because you don't want to, but because somewhere along the way your nervous system learned that staying vigilant keeps you safe. That if you're not tracking everything, something bad will happen. Does that resonate with you? It does with me that your worth is measured by how much you can handle. So even when you try to rest, your body says not safe. Stay alert, keep scanning. So let me explain what's happening in your body because I find this fascinating. Your nervous system has two main states. You've probably heard of this, the sympathetic, which is fight or flight, and the parasympathetic, which is the rest and digest state. And when you are in sympathetic mode, your body is primed for action. Cortisol and adrenaline are flowing. Your heart rate is elevated. Your muscles are tense. You are ready to respond to threat. So this state is designed for short bursts, like running from danger or yes, playing an intense pickleball rally. But here's the problem. If you grew up in an environment where you had to stay hypervigilant, maybe because a parent was unpredictable or you had to take care of others, or you learned that your needs were a burden to other people, then your nervous system got stuck in sympathetic mode. I can relate to this. I grew up in a house where my dad was unpredictable. You never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in when he walked through the door. And it was something that I became very aware of the more I, uncovered this work I actually froze every time somebody in my house walked through the door. So even though it was my husband or it was my son, or one of the girls. My body froze. I was used to being hypervigilant when somebody walked into the house because I never knew what kind of mood my dad was going to be in. I was constantly walking on eggshells. So I learned as a very young child that vigilance equals. Survival for me. And now even when there's no threat, our bodies still can believe that it needs to stay alert. So when you try to rest, it actually feels dangerous. Your body interprets stillness as vulnerability. And it floods you with anxiety, restlessness, guilt, anything to get you moving again, and this isn't laziness, this isn't weakness. This is actually your nervous system trying to keep you safe, but using an outdated biological strategy. So think about what happens on the pickleball court when you never reset between points. You lose a point and immediately you step up to serve, and you're still carrying the frustration from the last rally. So you're tight. Your body is tight. Your muscles are tight. Your breathing is shallow. Your grip on the paddle is tense, and guess what happens? You play worse because your body never got the signal that the threat is over, that you can release that it's safe. To soften. The best players know this instinctively because they take the time between points to breathe, to shake it out, to reset their nervous system before the next rally. I know I do this myself. I take a pause. I bounce the ball a few times before I serve. That's my reset. You can also touch the paddle. You can also feel your feet grounded into the floor beneath you. Pickleball players understand that rest isn't wasted time. It's how you sustain performance and off the court. We forget this completely. We move from task to task, relationship to relationship day to day without. Ever signaling to our body, you can rest. Now the threat is over. And then we wonder why we are so exhausted all the time, why we can't sleep even though we are tired, why we feel anxious even when there's actually nothing wrong. Your nervous system is still playing. The last point and the point before that, and the one from 10 years ago. So what happens when you never rest? Your body doesn't just get tired, it starts to break down. Chronic stress leads to inflammation, a weakened immune system, digestive issues. Chronic pain and your mental health suffers. So anxiety becomes your baseline. Depression creeps in not as sadness anymore, but as numbness because your body is so depleted it can't feel anything anymore. And then your relationships suffer. You are physically present, but emotionally, completely unavailable. And do you ever find yourself snapping at people you love because you literally have nothing left to give. And here's the cruelest part. You start to believe this is just who you are. I'm just anxious. I'm just bad at relaxing. I'm just someone who needs to stay busy. But that's not true. You are not broken. You are dysregulated. And the good news here, regulation is learnable. I know you've been told to rest. I was when I had my first baby. Rest nap. When the baby naps. Take a rest. Be kind to yourself. Look after yourself. Take a bubble bath. Go on vacation. Try meditation, and maybe you've tried. It didn't work because here's what most rest advice misses. Rest is not something you do. Rest is something your nervous system has to feel safe enough to allow if your body doesn't feel safe. All the bubble baths in the world are not going to help. You'll sit in the tub thinking about your to-do list. You'll go on vacation and spend the whole time anxious about what's waiting When you get back, does that land for you? Or perhaps you'll try to meditate, but your body will scream at you to get up and do something productive. This is why rest feels impossible because you're trying to force your body into a state that it doesn't trust. So what actually works? You have to teach your nervous system that rest is safe, and that happens through small, consistent practices that signal to the body. You can let go. I've got this. We are okay. So here's my invitation to you. Let's practice together right now if you are able to, and if you feel safe to do so, find a comfortable place either to sit or lie down. If you're driving or moving, you can actually do a modified version of this. So we are going to practice what's called pendulation. Gently moving between activation and rest. So your nervous system learns it's safe to go back and forth. So take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for a moment at the top, and exhale slowly through your mouth, letting your shoulders drop. Now bring your awareness to your body and notice where you are holding tension right now. Maybe it's your jaw, your shoulders, your belly, your hands, not trying to change it. We are simply noticing. Now intentionally create a little more tension in that area. So if it's your shoulders, lift them up towards your ears and hold that tension for three seconds and really feel it. And now release and let it go completely. Let your shoulders drop. Let your jaw soften your hands. Your fingers, uncurl. And notice what that release feels like. This is your body learning. I can let go. It's safe to soften. Okay, let's do that again. Take a deep breath in, and this time tense your whole body. Make fists with your hands. Squeeze your eyes shut. If it's safe, tighten your legs and hold for three seconds. And then release everything and let your whole body soften. Just like you're melting into the surface, beneath you, you're melting into the chair and now breathe naturally. And notice is there a little bit more space in your body? Is there a little bit more softness? This is rest. It's not the absence of doing. It's the presence of safety. Now, I want you to think of one small thing you can do today that signals rest to your nervous system. Maybe it's five minutes of sitting outside without your phone. Maybe it's saying no to one thing on your to-do list. Maybe it's letting yourself lie down in the middle of the day without guilt. Whatever it is, imagine yourself doing it and notice how your body responds. And then when you're ready, take one more deep breath. And if you had your eyes closed, gently open them now. So here's what actually helps your nervous system learn that rest is safe. Your body thrives on routine, so go to bed at the same time. Eat at regular intervals. Create small rituals. That signal, okay, we are winding down now. This tells your nervous system. We are not in crisis. We can predict what's coming. Don't wait until you collapse. Build in micro rests throughout the day, maybe 60 seconds of deep breathing between tasks or a two minute walk outside or sitting in your car for five minutes before going into the house or maybe having a quick. Dance around your kitchen. I like that one. These moments teach your body that rest doesn't mean that everything is going to fall apart and sometimes you can't rest because you have too much activation trapped in your body. So here's another excuse to go and dance. Dance like no one's watching. Shake it all out. Shake out your hands, shake out your legs. Go for a walk. Go for a run. Play pickleball. Let your body complete the stress cycle so that it can actually settle. Animals do this, if you notice, because after they have had a fright or after they have run from a predator, they will often shake before they can settle down. Give yourself permission to be unproductive. And this is the hardest one I know, but you have to actively practice doing nothing without justifying it either to yourself or anyone else. So maybe sit outside and just be. With no phone, no task, no fixing anything. And remember, your worth is not measured by your productivity, even though perhaps as a child, that's what we were taught. That's what was modeled for us, you are valuable simply because you exist. Your nervous system calms down when it's near a calm nervous system. So this is why being with safe people or perhaps your pet or even in nature helps and remember, you don't have to do this alone. Maybe call a friend and invite them. Let them know you are calming your nervousness. And can they help you Reregulate And maybe the two of you can do it together or maybe enroll the help of your partner or one of your children. If you hear nothing else in this episode, I need you to hear this. Rest is not something you earn through exhaustion. You don't have to push yourself to the breaking point to deserve a break. You don't have to prove you are worthy of rest by being productive first. Because rest is not a reward. It's a biological necessity. Your body needs rest the way that it also needs water and food and air, and when you deny yourself rest, you're not being strong. You're not being disciplined. You are actually slowly breaking yourself down. So this week, how about practicing one thing take the break before you crash. Say no before you are resentful. Lie down before your body forces you to, because that's not indulgence, that's survival. And the people who love you, they don't need your exhaustion either. They need your presence. On the pickleball court, the players who last the longest aren't the ones who never stop moving. They're the players who know when to pause, the ones who reset between points, who understand that sustainable performance requires rest, and our lives are no different from that. And that invisible load you're carrying does not have to be carried alone, and you don't have to carry it forever. You can put it down even if it's for 60 seconds. Even if it's for five minutes, your body is not betraying you. When it demands rest, it's actually working for you. It's trying to save you, so listen to your body, honor it, and let yourself soften. You know, a year ago when I recorded the first episode of this podcast, I had no idea where it would go. I just knew I had something to say about the parallels between how we show up on the pickleball court and how we show up in life about the patterns we carry about what it takes to actually change. And what I've learned this year is that the people who listen. To this podcast. Well, you are not just passive listeners, you are truth seekers. You are willing to look at the hard stuff. You are done with surface level advice, and you are ready for real transformation, and that's rare and so beautiful. So as we start year two together, I want you to know I'm not going anywhere. I am here for the messy, the honest, the difficult conversations that actually create change. So thank you for trusting me with your time, your attention and your growth. Here's to another year of becoming. Thank you for being here today and for giving yourself permission to even listen to an episode about rest. That's already a step, and if this resonated with you, please share it with someone who's carrying too much because they probably don't even realize how heavy their load is. And if you are ready to work on regulating your nervous system and building practices that actually stick, you can find me at Connection Coaching. On Facebook or Instagram. Until next time, rest, well play well. And remember, you're allowed to put it down.