Ep. 20 - The 10 Year Marriage Podcast: The Key Signs You're Drifting Apart in Marriage

Maintaining Intimacy in Marriage: Avoiding the Roommate Trap.

Is your marriage starting to feel more like a roommate situation than a romantic partnership? In this raw and honest conversation, Dave and Angie dive deep into what it really takes to create a fulfilling relationship—one built on intimacy, honest communication, and intentional time together.

In this episode, we delve into the critical topic of marital intimacy and the pitfalls of becoming mere 'roommates' with your spouse. We explore the implications of drifting apart in marriage, sharing real-life examples and personal experiences. Our discussion covers the importance of prioritizing your relationship, maintaining physical and emotional closeness, and addressing potential issues head-on. We stress the significance of spending quality time together, having open conversations, and ensuring that your marriage continues to grow. We also highlight the challenges of balancing individual pursuits with maintaining a connected and fulfilling partnership. Join us for this candid conversation on how to keep the spark alive and build a lasting, loving relationship.

We explore the early warning signs of emotional drift in marriage, from sleeping in separate rooms to only talking about kids, work, and to-do lists. You’ll learn how to reconnect with your partner, rebuild intimacy, and shift from managing life together to truly living it side by side.

In this episode:

• How to talk to your partner when things feel disconnected
• The danger of "marriage autopilot" and how to break the cycle
• Why quality time is the key to emotional and physical intimacy
• The uncomfortable truths behind sexless marriages
• What it means to prioritize your relationship—before it’s too late

Whether you’re newly married or 15 years in, this conversation will help you get honest about where you are and what’s next. If you want a thriving, connected, purpose-driven marriage, press play.

Keywords:
marriage podcast, how to talk to your partner, marriage intimacy, relationship communication, emotional intimacy, married sex life, quality time in marriage, relationship fulfillment, how to reconnect in marriage, stop being roommates, healthy marriage habits, love after kids, long-term relationship advice, conscious relationship growth

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Transcript

EP 20 V1
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Dave: [00:00:00] If you're drifting away, then your priorities are going in a different direction. Yeah. And if you don't get that shit together real quick, there's gonna be a problem. 'cause soon it's like it's okay to sleep in different rooms. Yeah. It's okay not to go on date nights. It's okay not to have sex. 'cause then once the kids are out, what do you have left?

This topic may trigger people as much as the one where if you share money or not in your relationship. And the thing that made me really think about it was just recently someone shared with me that her and her spouse sleep in different rooms. And my first judgmental thought was like, they're not having sex.

There's problems in that relationship. How could you not sleep in the same [00:01:00] room? 

Angie: Yeah. I feel like that would be, um, like I. It would be a divorce. If that was you and I, we would, uh, have major issues. 

Dave: I mean, you were flirting with me the other day when we had a couple girls over for Lola's birthday and you were, what'd you say?

You said We had a sleepover last night too. 

Angie: Yeah, no, they, they all had their best friends over and I was like, how fun. We gotta sleepover with our best friend too. 

Dave: Exactly. 

Angie: Yeah. 

Dave: So the conversation is, are your roommates are lovers and one of the things I believe is. When you start, I don't wanna say throwing in the towel, but accepting things that maybe you wouldn't have accepted in the past is sleeping in different rooms.

Angie: A hundred percent. I mean, that's never been on the table for us, and we've joked in the past, like if you've snored or if I'm sick, or different things like that. But I mean, 

Dave: even when we fight, 

Angie: yeah. You know 

Dave: how it's like, oh, I'm sleeping on the couch. I was like, I don't give a shit. Who's wrong? Who's right?

I am not sleeping on the couch. I'm sleeping in my bed. Mm-hmm. That's like [00:02:00] such a baby way to handle it, but I'm being very judgmental today. I just, this is my true thoughts. Like if it 

Angie: is, and listen, like sleeping in different beds in different rooms, there's so many different factors there, right? Like if somebody was.

A crazy snore. Like I could not sleep. You chew your gum in bed and it drives me out of my fucking mind. 

Dave: Yeah. 

Angie: And I'm like, I do it where 

Dave: it's just to piss you off. 

Angie: Yeah, I know. Yeah. It's so crazy. And you 

Dave: don't chew like a cafeteria? I 

Angie: do, but not when I'm trying to sleep. Not when you're trying to sleep.

Well, sometimes 

Dave: I'm hungry at night and I was like, I'll just chew some gum before. Yeah. And then my 

Angie: biggest fear is you accidentally falling outta your mouth when you're sleeping. Don't sleep and getting in my hair. 

Dave: Yeah, that's not gonna happen anyways. 

Angie: I think that there's a lot of factors when people are sleeping in different rooms, right?

Like, and it's like, how does that decision come about with a couple, it's like, okay, you know, 

Dave: but where does it end? Right? Like, I remember when I was a kid, I was like, I'm gonna, we're each gonna have bedrooms with all our own shit in it so we could keep our identity and then we'll have a [00:03:00] room that we meet up and have sex in.

And now I feel like it's more of like, I mean, not with us, but with people. You got the man cave, you got the she shed, right? All those things. Yeah. I think it's important to have your own stuff. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: But like. This is the topic. Like at what point does it get to, I guess we're just together 'cause of financial reasons and the kids 

Angie: mm-hmm.

Dave: And we're just roommates. 

Angie: Yeah. 

Dave: And so does it go to, we both have our own rooms. Oh, this is, this is Dave's room and this is Angie's room. And like, I don't know. I think that's ridiculous. And like, what's the point of being married? 

Angie: I agree a hundred percent on the sleeping arrangement. But there's also so many, so many relationships where they're roommates.

And they do sleep in the same room. Fair. And they do sleep in the same bed. I mean, we've had bats of it in our relationship and it's this whole like, you know, all of these things in life starts to take over. But 

Dave: is it, is it make to me fine. There's been periods where it's like we have [00:04:00] this big bed.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Back to back. And you could, you know, drive a truck through the middle of the bed. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right. We've been there. But do you think it's making it better or worse by not sleeping in the same bed? 

Angie: I think it's definitely making it worse. 

Dave: Exactly. Yeah. So like the thing with any relationship that's not doing well or needs to be worked on, you need to get closer, not further apart.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right? 

Angie: Yep. 

Dave: And so this plays in so many parts of our life. Like I've never been a huge golfer. I. I feel like a lot of my buddies, or a lot, not my buddies, but a lot of people I know go to golf and make it a whole day affair to escape. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right. Because it's a long ass thing. Like, I don't wanna escape my family, I wanna hang out with my family.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right. And I'm not saying you shouldn't have hobbies and whatnot, but at what point is it. 

Angie: You're almost living separate lives. 

Dave: Yes. 

Angie: And I think, you know, there's relationships where, and I think it's probably a little bit [00:05:00] more, and maybe I'm completely wrong, but I feel like from what I've seen is that I.

Relationships with no children, they tend to have more of a separate life, right? Like they travel kind of separately. Um, sometimes people live separately in different places and then they, they come together and there's, there's very separate things that they're interested in and, and work and goals, and ideas and lifestyle.

And I've seen that in married, married couples too, where it's very separate lives, but then they come together maybe for the kids or different things like that. But I think there's a lot to be like, there's so many different levels of what we're talking about. Right? There's this like, 

Dave: listen, I to each their own.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: I mean, everyone does it differently. Some people like to, you know, share their wives or husbands with other people. Right. They, no, that's fair. Like that's, 

Angie: mm-hmm. I 

Dave: get it. How truly married and committed could you be? What's, what's bringing you together? If your goal is to have a marriage [00:06:00] that is continually growing and a soul connection with a soul contract where it's integrated 

Angie: mm-hmm.

Dave: In somewhat of a traditional sense of the word, then are these things helping you get to where you want to go? 

Angie: Yeah. 

Dave: Right? Mm-hmm. And so, like for instance, if we didn't have kids and we lived in two different places. Burning, sleeping together like, like, I don't know, like what would, in my brain, I'd be like, well, what's the point of even being married?

Angie: Mm-hmm. That's the thing is I think, what does it look like? It's like, it could be the, the sex life is dwindling. It could be that now you're only having conversations about business or about surface level things, and you're not connecting, you're not dreaming together. 

Dave: So people just looking for companion, like maybe we need to like.

Go towards the first principles of this. Mm-hmm. What are people looking for in marriage, and then what would they be actually drifting away from? Mm-hmm. What do you think [00:07:00] people are looking for in marriage? 

Angie: Well, I can speak for personal, um, just 

Dave: generic and personal. Yeah. I mean, I know it's different parts of your life, right?

When you get older you're probably looking for companionship, but 

Angie: Yeah. Well, I'm looking for a companionship. I'm looking for somebody to build my life with, somebody to co-collaborate with, somebody, to, to cry with, to laugh with, to be sexual with, to raise my kids with, to be an example for my children.

Like those are my things that I'm like, that's, that's why I choose to be married and not single. 'cause you could absolutely co-parent, you can absolutely have very separate lives and still come together for with children. I've seen so many successful couples I. You know, do that. But for me it's like the full unit.

It's like the, I wanna build life with somebody. Mm-hmm. I wanna build my dreams with somebody and I want, like we talked about yesterday with the sleepover, it's like I lit. I literally thought about that. I was like, that's so fun. We actually gotta have a sleepover too. We were laughing, we were watching our own show.

We were hanging out like while they were, and we were looking at all these girls in our house. Like, what? What did we get [00:08:00] ourselves into? And it was an enjoyable night, you know. So I think that a lot of people are looking for just their person, and the problem with being with the drift into roommates is that you may be with somebody, but you may still feel very, very alone.

I. In your relationship and I've, I know that we've gotten to that point we've played with or tinkered on that point before when we're not feeling connected. And typically you can sense it and feel it before I can. 'cause I'll be, you know, super focused with work or really focused on something with the kids or something where it's distracting me and it's t pulling my attention somewhere else.

And you are the one that has to snap us out of it and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like. I feel like we're just roommates here, like we need to go deeper. We need to actually have a conversation about this. 

Dave: I think it comes to where you prioritize your life, and so in my brain. How you prioritize in order is the relationship you have with yourself first.

Mm-hmm. Right. Your sole purpose, that relationship for some with God is your relationship with you have with yourself. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: [00:09:00] Right. An extension of that is what is my purpose, so it's kind of like one A and one b. Right. It's, it's not selfish. It's more like self-interested or self-worth, right? Mm-hmm. Like, okay.

Mm-hmm. I need to feel happy and faithful faith with myself and joy and energy and energetically connected with me. And then when I have that relationship with that and I feel called to live my life a certain way, so then it's, you know, my relationship myself, my relationship, my purpose. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: And then right then is after that is my queen.

That's how I put it because my kids without my queen, it all starts with my marriage. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Which it's like if one A is with myself and one or, and God and one B is with purpose, like that cannot be, nothing can get in the way of that. Right. I think when you live for your kids over your purpose, your kids are also being set up for disaster.

Mm-hmm. If you live for your wife or your husband more than your purpose, it's just not healthy. But if you [00:10:00] do that right, and then two A and two B is like marriage and kids, to me, that's where it's at. So if that's the most important thing in my life, sharing this world, sharing my purpose, sharing. This whole thing, like then I should show up in that way where I'm spending the most time with my wife and my children.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Why? I can never understand if you're, you know, especially in Vegas, like if you're at the video poker bar, I. Playing video poker and drinking when you got a family back in your house. Like, to me, that's unacceptable. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Or if you're spending, if I'm spending more time with one of my friends or playing video games or doing things like not, or going hiking with group and not including my family, then what am I committed to?

What am I prioritizing? Mm-hmm. 

Angie: And 

Dave: so, of course, like everything else, it's a deeper conversation. So when I say like, well, this is the way I do marriage. Like to me, if your relationship with a significant other isn't right there in that prioritization, then to me, [00:11:00] what's the point? Then you got the wrong person.

Angie: Yeah. 

Dave: What do you think of that? 

Angie: I, I mean, I agree with it. I feel like it. What does that look like for you as far as, you know, your purpose and your relationship with yourself? Like for me right now, it's a lot of the horse, right? And so when you're talking about golfing or doing these things, I'm spending time with my horse and the kids I.

Don't really wanna do it. You're kind of into it kind of not. And we also need somebody with the kids. So I think it's important to have those things that you can do with yourself and have those girls trips and have those guy friends and have those other connections. But like you said, like if I'm looking at my life in the direction I want it to go, we're doing 

Dave: a way that's, that's healthy.

It's not really getting in the way. 

Angie: Right. That's fair 

Dave: of. Our relationship or your relationship with the girls. 

Angie: Yeah, that's fair. And I think that most of the time, like when I look at like my future, whether it's philanthropy, work, or a hobby or whatever, I am trying to be like, how do I incorporate my family into this?

How do I incorporate my spouse into this? And if it's not [00:12:00] something that you're interested in, it's not something I'm willing to fully, fully commit to. It's something I can play with and I can, I can experience. But I'm not like making it my life's mission at that point. 

Dave: What if I got this offer to be this coach that I had to be on the road 

Angie: mm-hmm.

Dave: For half the year. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Gone like two or three nights a week. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Making a ton of money and living my purpose. How would that make you feel? 

Angie: That would be interesting. It would really test our relationship because we would have to prioritize our own connection and our own rituals and our own, you know, like trips with each other and date nights and, and you would have to, it, it would be a lot because you have to, is that the vanilla 

Dave: answer because you.

I feel like the real answer is, is not what you said. 'cause we've talked about this before and that's not what you said. 

Angie: What have I said? 

Dave: You were like, that would not work for me, or we would be going with you. 

Angie: Well, yeah, 

Dave: I know, but why didn't you just say that? 

Angie: Well, [00:13:00] I don't know because I'm just, I'm trying to think about it on the spot.

Like, I'm trying to think of it, like, if that was the case and that would be the thing, like part of the solution for us, would we be, we would be traveling with you a lot, you know? Yeah. I, 

Dave: and for me, I wouldn't want it. But what if 

Angie: it was, that's the thing is it's such a, there's so much gray, right? Like, 

Dave: I, I totally agree.

There is a ton of gray. It depends on where you're going and how much money you're making and can, do you have a private jet and can you bring the kids with you? There are so many things, not 

Angie: just that, but what about just the, the pure like, babe, I have to do this because it's something I am so called to and I live this one life and I have to do something like this.

And if I don't, I'm always going to regret it. Like if that was something on the table for you, I'd have to figure out a way to support that. 

Dave: And that is where I would be like, there's no point in trying to make impact on the world showing up and being there for all these people if I can't do it for my kids.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: And for my wife, [00:14:00] you know, my purpose is to do a certain thing, but for like, I think there's nothing sadder than a life coach or a guru or someone like that. That has kids that are dying for their attention, their 

Angie: own attention. Yeah. Or a spouse that's completely just dying inside and feeling so and completely alone.

Dave: I mean, look at Tom Brady. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. I know nothing about Tom Brady, but So 

Dave: Tom Brady got older and older and older. Mm-hmm. 

Angie: And 

Dave: he had done everything you could possibly do when more Super Bowls than anyone, and he was gonna retire like multiple years. Goes from the Patriots to the, um, Buccaneers and wins another Super Bowl with another coach and another team to prove even that he didn't even have to do it just with, 

Angie: with them.

Yeah. With the coach 

Dave: and the team. Right. Could have easily retired right then and there. Doesn't comes back. Has like an a year. They make the playoffs, they lose and he retires. He wasn't retired for maybe a hundred days, 40 days. He was like, I'm coming [00:15:00] back. And Giselle, she just wanted to be with him. And that last year they had tons of problems comes out that she ended up having an affair with her trainer and they got divorced.

So the guy who had everything followed his purpose, his passion and everything, and he could not sacrificed 

Angie: his marriage. 

Dave: Yeah. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Which to me, it's like, all right, well, was it worth it chasing that thing that you, or is insatiable. And so I just don't think you're gonna have the marriage you want unless you spend time.

With the person you want to have that great marriage with. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. And you're talking about it on a business or purpose stance, like, I think this is happening just by day to day, like by distractions and by too many kids events and too many thing, too many commitments. And you know, like it's like this.

This drift into this, like, oh, now we're roommates because we're so distracted by all these outer distractions and things that we're committing to, and yet we don't have time. We don't find the [00:16:00] space or the time or the energy to actually connect with each other. And it's like, how long has it been like, you asked the question earlier, like, how long has it been since you've made out with your wife?

Dave: Yes, that's right. I was gonna do a video about that. Or have you 

Angie: Have you, how long has it been since you had a longer than five second kiss, right. Or like actually cuddled before you just have sex. Like there's so much of this stuff that guys, it's a 

Dave: good move. Make out with your wife a bunch of times and then don't ask for anything else.

Angie: Yeah. I mean, you don't do that very often. 

Dave: What? I've been making that with you a lot though, and not asking 

Angie: Well, that's fair. You 

Dave: gotta play cat mouse. Right. But it's a good point. I mean, making out is definitely a good one. Yeah. How long has it, you know, the easy ones, how long you've had sex, right? Yeah. We had that.

We had that conversation last time. The reason why the conversation of the drift in a normal relationship doesn't really talk to me is because if you're drifting in your relationship, you're probably drifting in most areas of your life or some areas of your life, right? [00:17:00] Like if you have a high standard, it usually goes across.

Angie: Maybe not though, because maybe people are giving something so much energy, whether it's their health or their business or something else, and they're thriving in that thing, but because it's getting all of their attention, unfortunately this other relationship is suffering from it. Sure. And it's like how many people aren't speaking up and being like, Hey.

I feel alone, I feel really lonely in this relationship. Like, let's talk about it. What can we do? You know? 

Dave: Well, I mean, I think there's a difference between having a high standard and not meeting that standard. Like if, if my body isn't exactly the way I want it to be, I still have that standard. 

Angie: Yeah. I 

Dave: still am, like in my brain, I'm like, I gotta take care of this.

I, I think it's really hard to have huge, hugely great results in one area of life and not want 'em in all areas. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right. So, okay. Then let's jump in then. Then. What are some of the signs, they're just so obvious to me, but what are some of the signs? Then you're in the drift and then you're becoming roommates.

Angie: I think [00:18:00] it's, you're only talking about your kids. Okay. Or your work, or the day-to-day chores or whatever you have to do. That's one huge thing. I think the other one is very physical, right? You might not be feeling intimate or when you are feeling intimate, you're not really like in the experience, you're kind of just checking it off a box, being like, all right, well we have to have sex, so here we go.

You know? Um, I think the other one is being completely and utterly distracted, like on your phone or on social media or in some other thing that you're interested in. 

Dave: Pretty much ex like describing ev, like 99% of the population. 

Angie: Well, that's why I think it's such an interesting topic. It's because if you let these things happen and you just don't address it, like, and snap out of it and break the pattern, like it's inevitable that you'll just become roommates.

I don't think any, I don't think there's a single couple out there that this doesn't affect us some point in their relationship or that they keep have, that they have to kind of fight with it at, at one point or another or continue to show up. You know, I think the, [00:19:00] the better question is how do you come back from those things, right?

Like, what are you doing to reconnect? What are you doing to come back to being spouses and being intimate and being passionate about each other? And that's a lot of the stuff we talk about with like, the 10 year marriage. 

Dave: I mean, it, it's, to me, it's a standards conversation, right? Mm-hmm. And my answer is always somewhat similar.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Like, yeah. Start with you. 

Angie: Yeah, 

Dave: because if you're excited about life and you're full of PA passion and purpose, and you're like in flow, 

Angie: mm-hmm. 

Dave: You're gonna wanna share it with another person and you're gonna wanna like energetically transfer that. Whether it be just spending time or going on vacations or intimately, like, it's almost impossible not to have that aura or presence about you if you are working on yourself.

Yeah. So it's hard to drift. And in that case, if your standards are going on and you, you're holding yourself accountable, there's no way that you're not gonna start going, wait a minute. Like a, how could I show up better in this [00:20:00] relationship? And B, how can I communicate what, not only I need to do, but what I want?

What your needs are? 

Angie: Yeah, 

Dave: exactly 

Angie: what you're desiring. A hundred percent. 

Dave: So I just, I don't think this is something that, I think it's a balance game, and I can only look at it through the lens of. High performers. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. Where 

Dave: they're completely outta balance, like something's working well, and because they're spending too much time over here, you know, or on this one side, then they need to get back over here.

Right? Mm-hmm. Because I don't believe balance exists. 

Angie: Yeah. 

Dave: I believe it's a balancing act, right? Like, there's gonna be a little bit of, you know, all right, I gotta, I gotta put some energy over here. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Especially when you have kids too, that becomes a whole new. Game as well. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right. 

Angie: Well, what would you say are, are the things that we do as a couple that help us stay in that spouse role versus roommate role?

Dave: The thing I love, like there's a lot of topics we talk about that trigger me. Mm-hmm. One that [00:21:00] doesn't is the amount of time we spend together. Mm-hmm. I feel like we are a unit and sometimes too codependent. But at other times, at least, it's like a foundational base between all of us. Like Lola was gone for a couple nights, we all missed her.

Like the dynamic of our family was, it was incomplete. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right? Yeah. And so where focus goes, energy flows. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right. So for a long time, the two areas of, I believe my life where I've had the most success is in family and business, and. Go figure. It's where I spend the majority of my time. 

Angie: Yeah. And do you think that it helps us stay connected?

The fact that we work together and spend so much time together, or at least are in each other's work life in some way, shape, or form? 

Dave: All right. Let's put it this way. You're not the best communicator in the world, 

Angie: obviously, 

Dave: right? Imagine if we weren't spending as much time together. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: How would I have any clue what's going [00:22:00] on in your brain, especially not being around you, to be able to read cues and see how you're acting.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: You get what I'm saying? 

Angie: Yeah. Ex I do. And I feel like we would've, we would drift pretty drastically that were the case, or if 

Dave: I got agitated with the kids or you, and they only saw me in that. Pissed off state and didn't get to experience the five to one or six to one ratio of me loving them and telling them how much I care about them and taking them to these little things.

You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Like, and I'm not saying that's how it happened. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: But the saying goes, how do kids spell love? TIME? Mm-hmm. I think you could say that about everybody. Yeah. And I'm not talking about like time spent in their presence. I'm talking about presence spent inside a time. Yeah.

Proximity equals power your environment. Right? Like I remember I took a psychology class and they were like the number one, [00:23:00] um, thing needed, or successful relationship in a psychology class is proximity. Like if you're not with the person. Yep. Because if, if not a vacuum's gonna be created and whoever fills it will end up filling a lot of other things.

You know what I mean? Like, it's the truth though, where you're, you know what I mean? It's no seriously though. No, I do I get what you're saying. Like, would you be happy I was spending the majority of my time with another woman? Uh, no. Exactly. And so what would, what's the difference? Like if it's another woman or it's another business, or it's a hobby, there needs to be a bounce.

Angie: Yeah. But you didn't answer my question. So you think that we. That the fact that we spend so much time together is beneficial for us. 

Dave: I didn't answer that question. 

Angie: I mean, you did, I guess, but it was a very, very long-winded answer. 

Dave: Apparently it wasn't long enough.

What about you? 

Angie: I mean, I, I definitely think it does. I think that. You know, so many people come to us and they're like, oh my God, how could you spend so much time with your husband? 'cause they know that we work together and that we're together constantly and we're doing this together and we're [00:24:00] always doing stuff with our kids.

And I think that it would be worse for us if we didn't spend that kind of time together. 

Dave: We are both alphas. We can create on our own. We don't need each other. Mm-hmm. It's just obvious, but you're my favorite fucking human in the world. And like even how you were like dancing around like a complete, I can't even say the name, word idiot.

Yeah, fine. Me and the older girls were just laughing. I was like, I love this bitch. Like, we were laughing. I was like, and Ella was like, what's wrong with her? I'm like, what do you mean? What's wrong with that? You, yeah. She does 

Angie: the same thing every day and you were 

Dave: just dancing in, in the garage and doing stupid moves and we, it was, it was like.

You're my person. 

Angie: Yeah, you're my person too. 

Dave: And I don't know, maybe we're lucky. 

Angie: Maybe 

Dave: like I said to them as we were driving out, I was like, I hope to God you guys find and have a relationship like your mother and I have. Mm-hmm. I was like, the best decision in my life that [00:25:00] the thing I'm most is, is finding her.

And they were like, well, what about us? I was like, there's no you without her. Yeah, totally. Right. And so. I could say that without feeling vulnerable anymore. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: That's fair. I could, I could say that. Empowered, you used to. 

Angie: Yeah. You used to not really go there. But even just like last night, I think I like came to you in the bathroom and I was like, man, I just love you.

And you were like, what? You know, and you were like, 'cause it, it was, it kind of shocked your system. 'cause normally I just don't come out and say that all the time and just hugging you, like really hugging you. It's like. I think those moments are what keeps people's spark alive. Like it's the little tiny things that you do throughout the day.

It's the like the, you know, catching each other's eye and kind of laughing or having a grateful moment when you're with your kids or saying, I love you completely outta the blue, because how many couples say that without just being like on the phone, like, okay, love you. Bye. You know? 

Dave: Well, it's that if you [00:26:00] don't have these relationships in your life mm-hmm.

Then what do you have? Mm-hmm. You can follow this purpose as much as you want, but if it's not a purpose that's in alignment and flow and with other people, I don't wanna do this world alone. God forbid something ever happened to me. You got the call. What's the regret? Mm-hmm. 

Angie: The 

Dave: one of the biggest regret is I should have done everything I wanted to do.

And I should have spent more time with the people that I loved. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Which ironically, sometimes those two things fight each other. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right. It's like when you have two values and then like for some people, like, I wanna have integrity, but I also wanna make a lot of money. Right, right. And then, then the money and the integrity gets challenged.

You find out which value is really important, more important to you. Mm-hmm. Right. You can make the money, but you gotta sell out. 

Angie: Yeah. Or 

Dave: you don't get the money and you don't sell out. Like now we find out, same thing with this. Um, for me, I want it all, I want to follow my purpose and part of my purpose is to have not only my family to be integrated into the whole game, but [00:27:00] like-minded people to be attracted towards this thing.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Do I wanna be like, I wasted it, it doing X, Y, and Z? 'cause. I didn't have the relationship and put in the time I wanted to with my family. Yeah. Well you tell me, right? Like so roommates or spouses, like where do you feel like in our 15, almost 15 years of marriage, do you feel as far as like, are we at the best, the worst, the middle?

Angie: Oh, I think we're at the best. I, 

Dave: me too. 

Angie: Yeah. I think that, you know, like we've had, we have waves and we have days. Mm-hmm. Like even when we do this podcast, sometimes those are our off days where we're like, not connected, or I'm thinking one thing, you're thinking another, and we're like, why aren't we aligned?

But I think we're, by far, like I, I told the girls just yesterday, I was like, we were talking about happiness and I was like, I'm the happiest now that I have ever been in my whole life. And I feel like it just continues to grow and build. 

Dave: So here's, here's the. Here's the, the graph, right? Mm-hmm. Okay. So contentment [00:28:00] and happiness in our family and relationship is high.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Right? 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: And has the amount of time we've spent together gone up or down? Gone up? Well, there's your equation. Yeah. The more we spend time together. The more that we have fulfillment in our relationship and with our family. Yep. Yeah. We've both spent less time at the office. You are showing up for yourself and you're happy with the horse and being out in nature, like 

Angie: mm-hmm.

Dave: So to bring it all the way together, right? Mm-hmm. Like this is my point. If you don't wanna spend time with your family and you got other things to do to, to fill the time. Then you gotta wake up. 

Angie: Yeah. And there's something missing there. 

Dave: And I, and that's why I'm like, this is such, I don't want to come off as empath, like not empathetic.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Or like we have this just really special relationship that other people don't have. Mm-hmm. But I almost like don't have [00:29:00] time, or I'm just frustrated with the common point of, oh, my wife doesn't have sex with me. Oh, my wife doesn't want to talk to me. My kids don't want to. Like, I don't know how, you don't know what's going on exactly.

Going on in your kids' lives. I don't know how you can't spend enough time with 'em where they don't feel comfortable telling you like their fears and their dreams and whatever. I, I, I can't gather that. Yeah. And you're talking 

Angie: from like the man, the masculine point of view is what? Frame. 

Dave: Yes. 

Angie: Yeah. 

Dave: And it's stereotypical, but yes.

Angie: Yeah, 

Dave: like I wanna know everything. Like I ask 20 questions, like, let's go. 

Angie: Yeah. And it's from the women's standpoint, it's the women that feel like they're doing everything, that they're carrying, everything, that they have the weight on their, the world of the world, on their shoulders. So I do that. Kids are their responsibility, right?

So 

Dave: again. So think about the conversations we've missed out on if we weren't getting into bed together. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: Think about the impromptu times we'd have sex. Think about the shows that we wouldn't watch together. Think about the books. We wouldn't be talking to. [00:30:00] The times that we pull the Oracle cards and we, we have conversations about what the cards pull up or mm-hmm.

You're meditating next to me or you're laying on that stupid voodoo thing that we have, right? Like, 

Angie: yeah. 

Dave: What is it? 

Angie: The higher dose mat. 

Dave: The mat, 

Angie: yeah. 

Dave: Right. Like. To me, like think about how much I would miss out if I wasn't home, if I was out trying to like get business and get drinks with people all the time.

I've played that game a little bit. 

Angie: Yeah. And that's when we were the, the least happy in our relationship and I 

Dave: was unhappy. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: I hated the phoniness of it and the bullshit of it and the like, why do I want to be out drinking with these people? Like I want my wife out drinking with me, or I want my wife out with me.

And then if we are together and we're not connecting to them, 

Angie: well, I think it's just being aware and just. Addressing it. Having, like, looking at your life and creating rituals, like even our 3, 2, 1, it's like we, we stopped doing it. Now we're like, all right, all of us gotta get on this [00:31:00] bandwagon again. You know, 

Dave: so let's, let's go through it, right?

Mm-hmm. So for me, if you were like, Hey, I want to have my own room, I'd be like, Nope. I'll, I'll build just shit outside. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: I don't care. You want an office? Fine. We're sleeping in the sun. What happens 

Angie: if you start snoring really badly? 

Dave: I'd figure out a way to, to get rid of, or I'd wear 

Angie: earplugs. 

Dave: I would get rid of my snoring.

I don't care if I'd have to put on, you know, a football helmet machine to figure it out. 

Angie: Yeah. 

Dave: Like I would figure it out. 

Angie: Okay. Just 

Dave: like sex is a non-negotiable, talking, colliding all of these things. Yep. Like to me, the game never ends. Mm-hmm. Like I haven't done the vacations as good as I wanted to in our marriage.

I'm still hunting that down to get it right. I'm trying to figure out how to give us, give you your dream that I want to be a part of. Mm-hmm. With this ranch. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: I get just as excited as making these things come true. Like to me, if you're drifting away, then your priorities are going in a different direction.

Yeah. And if you don't get that shit together real quick, there's gonna be a problem. 'cause soon it's like it's okay to [00:32:00] sleep in different rooms. It's okay not to go on date nights. It's okay not to have sex. It's okay to to split finances. It's okay to go on vacations. Apart while not going on vacations together.

Mm-hmm. Caveat. Right. It's okay to spend more time with my friends. Yep. Because then once the kids are out, what do you have left? Yeah. So, yes. That's why I'm so fun at parties because, or dinners. Because I'd be like, is that really a good thing? Explain to me how that works. When was the last time you have sex?

And I'm asking the questions that you're like, who the fuck are you? And I got people justifying and they're like, I know 

Angie: I'm gonna put together a little quiz that we're gonna send to our watchers. 

Dave: I mean, think about this. Imagine we have one more bedroom on this hallway, right? Mm-hmm. And I was like, 

Angie: goodnight, 

Dave: babe.

Yeah. Like that'd be the weirdest thing in the world. It 

Angie: would be weird, 

Dave: right? Next thing you know, you're sleeping with some of the kids, right? And listen, I understand it's unique for every person, especially if you have like there are exceptions [00:33:00] to everything. Like you have like a horrible. Health condition.

Mm-hmm. I'm not talking about snoring, I'm talking about like something really bad. Mm-hmm. Like I can understand that. Right? Yeah, that makes sense. I could even understand to a degree, if one person works like graveyard and things like that. Mm-hmm. Again. Yeah, this isn't 100%. You gotta be willing to first identify that there's a problem and then have the hard conversation.

I would say something like, Hey baby, I feel like we're drifting apart. I feel like we're not communicating well. We're not sleeping together enough. We're not going on date night. And I feel like I have not stepped up in my role enough as a man to make it better for us. So I just want you to know that I'm acknowledging.

That we're drifting and I don't like it. That you mean everything in the world to me. And I am going to put more effort in my I'd love on my end. I'd love for you to meet me there and do whatever you gotta do. But I am not here to point blame. This is what is important to me, and this is, here's what I'm gonna do, and then I'd build your [00:34:00] trust.

'cause I can't rely on you. Mm-hmm. Doing it. I can only rely and control on what I'm gonna do. And then most likely, I would say 99 out of a hundred times, if you're willing to marry this human being and have kids with them and share finances, almost 99% of the time they're gonna meet you there. 

Angie: Yeah. Or not share finances.

They still might be willing to meet you there. 

Dave: Whatever. Right? Mm-hmm. And so that's how I would start it. And those are the ways I would start showing up. Yeah. And not just for the other person. For yourself as well. 'cause that'll be an attraction thing. Let's start with me. I would take care of what I need to take care of from me, and then I'd also show up for you.

Angie: Yeah. And by showing up and sit down and actually come up with a plan together. 

Dave: Exactly. 

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: But if you're not willing to have those tough conversations, you're fucking dead on arrival. And it's only gonna get worse and worse and worse, and it's gonna get harder and harder, and that spouse 

Angie: is gonna continue to just build resentment.

Dave: The takeaway is this, if you feel like the drift is coming. And the signs are there. [00:35:00] Communication, intimacy, time spent, different rooms making out, and it's only about the kids and it's only because of that or finances. I. It's time to collide and be willing to be like, you know what? I'd rather rip the bandaid off now, have the hard conversation, potentially hear what I don't want to hear, and it end right now than waste another five or 10 years.

Angie: Mm-hmm. 

Dave: And then figuring it out 

Angie: and become numb to the relationship. 

Dave: Risk it all now to have the relationship you want.