Episode 6: From Adversity to Advocate, Dee Hankins' Inspirational Journey

In this episode of Inspire Shasta, we sit down with the dynamic and inspiring Dee Hankins, a nationally acclaimed motivational speaker known for his powerful message on resilience. Dee takes us on a journey through his challenging childhood in foster care, sharing how caring adults changed the trajectory of his life. From pivotal moments with a supportive vice principal and a dedicated social worker to finding purpose and becoming a voice of hope for others, Dee’s story is a testament to the power of perseverance, connection, and self-discovery.

Dee’s passion for empowering youth and helping them choose resilience over adversity will leave you inspired to rethink how we can all support the next generation.

Key Takeaways:

• The Power of One Caring Adult: Dee highlights how small moments of kindness and belief from caring adults changed his life.
• Resilience as a Superpower: Inspired by superheroes, Dee explains how every individual has the power to choose their path—hero or villain—and how that decision shapes their future.
• Owning Your Story: Dee shares how embracing his truth, including abandonment issues and childhood trauma, helped him heal and grow.
• The Importance of Vulnerability: Real connection and growth start with being honest about who we are and what we need.

Memorable Quotes:

• “You have to choose reality and own your story. That’s the first step toward healing and growth.”
• “Our superpower as foster kids is being able to spot fake from a mile away. Be real—because that’s what makes the difference.”
• “There are two paths: You can use your pain to help others or use it to hurt others. I chose to help.”
• “One caring adult can change everything.”

Call to Action:

Let’s continue to inspire and uplift one another! Don’t forget to subscribe and share this episode with someone who needs to hear it.

Transcript

Inspire Shasta Episode 6: Dee Hankins

[00:00:00] Welcome listeners to another episode of inspire Shasta today. We honor and host a true beacon of resilience and inspiration. None other than Dee Hankins himself. Dee isn't just a speaker, he's a catalyst for change, a champion for resilience, and a living testament to the power of determination.

His journey from a challenging childhood in foster care to becoming a national acclaimed motivational force is nothing short of remarkable. So buckle up and get ready to be inspired as we dive into the remarkable journey of Dee Hankins, a man who defied odds and is now on a mission to empower others to do the same.

Without further ado, let's welcome Dee to the podcast. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. I appreciate this, uh, this opportunity. This has been a great visit here so far. Beautiful weather, beautiful people. So thank you. Thank you for coming. We're happy to have you here in Shasta County. Have you ever been up this far north before?

I think I have. So, you know, [00:01:00] the whole thing. Yeah, I was driving up and, um, I have been to I've spent some time in Lassen and Oroville and things like that. So Redding, I'm not a hundred percent sure, but this area ish, like as I was driving up, I was like, wait, I've been around here. I've been around here. So yeah, but it's nice.

It's nice to actually be in Redding, you know, it's a. Big, little, small town, you know? Mm hmm. Yeah, pretty cool. Like that big, little, small town. That's true. Um, so we're gonna get started with an icebreaker, and we always do this for every guest. And so before diving into your incredible work, let's kick things off with this question.

If you could go back to any grade in school for a day, which would you choose and why? Third grade. Okay. Yeah. Third grade. Third grade is just you're old enough to know what's going [00:02:00] on, but still young enough to just still have your imagination, still be a little shy around new people, you know, but comfortable around your, your, you know, your good friends and things like that.

So third grade was a grade in which you know, it just felt good to be a kid. Like you knew you were a kid. Yeah. You know, I would go back to third grade for sure. Sixth grade is just, you're, you're, you're, you're moving up the ladder. You know, you're starting to like, you're learning things that you probably shouldn't be learning and experience some things that, you know, are, are just not where, where you're like, Oh, I'm, I'm getting old.

But third grade, you're like in your prime, you know, age and you just like your core friends are there, you know, like everybody's happy to see you. They give you high fives. You're not, you're not too cool. You don't know that yet. It's true. You know, it's still cool playing handball on the, on the recess.

[00:03:00] Let's play four square and like, Oh, we're done with four square. Let's play tag. Like tag is still fun in third grade. You know, sixth grade or above that, it's just like, uh, you know, I'm too cool for this. Yeah. You don't want to get your sneakers dirty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Well, you're in good company because both Maggie and I choose third grade.

Yeah, see? Yeah, there it is. Yeah, for our initial episode, we all, we all answered this question as well. So third grade seems to be pretty consistent across the board. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. For Austin, he, he remembers preschool. Yeah. Yeah. I can't go that. So your journey to foster care to becoming a national acclaimed motivational speaker is very inspiring.

Could you share with us a little about your background and how your personal experience has influenced your work in empowering youth and advocating for resilience? Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. My, you know, it really, it's like one of those future. Goto the future, go back to the [00:04:00] past type scenarios. And my dad or who I call dad now, his name is Richard Parkhouse, he wants to ask me why do some do and why do some don't.

And that really sparked my passion for getting everybody to realize that all can do, you know, if you really want to. So, um, I never, Thought to myself, Oh, I want to be an inspirational speaker. It just kind of happened. And I grew up in, you know, foster care. Um, Um, you know, I'm one of those stories where at birth or, you know, two, I was two months old when I entered the foster care system.

Um, my mom was doing drugs, my dad, non existent, and I bounced around a lot. And in my, in my case, you know, African American male, multiple homes, no father, no mom. It's very grim at the end of that, that road, you know, for a lot of us. Um, and so, [00:05:00] You know, I can't lie. I was headed down that path for a while, you know, that's the only thing I knew was, uh, you know, being in constant survival mode since four years old, where you start to develop a mindset of, you know, I'm going to leave you before you leave me, you know, you have abandonment issues, you have trust issues, you have, Issues in all the areas in which you need to build good relationships, they start to crumble and you start to just kind of worry about yourself.

And sometimes that comes with, you know, we, we got fight, flight, or freeze. And to be in those modes all the time, they cause issues, you know, issues in which, you know, you have problems with authority and you're just like, you don't care anymore. And. So what happened with me, my turnaround point, is I developed this mindset of people don't care [00:06:00] about you, so why care about people at a very young age?

And the people in my life, my vice principal, I talk about her a lot, and when I was in, um, when I was eight years old, Was that third grade? Is that third grade? Yeah. So, when I was eight years old, um, my vice principal, I was always in trouble. Always in trouble. And she never sent me home. Never sent me home.

And one day, you know, I just flipped out. I had such a hard time in class and I was just miserable at, at home or whatever group home I was in at that time. And, you know, I was just like, Why don't you just send me home? Why do you, why are you like, why are you keeping me here? Just send me home. I'm always in trouble.

And my vice principal, now that I think about it, she was, she was a G, you know, she would like you sit right there and she would go eat lunch [00:07:00] and leave and do meetings and stuff like that and have meetings in her office. And they'd be like, well, there's a kid in there. I don't worry about him. Like, you know, like I was just there and no matter what, she was not going to send me home.

Did she always checked in on me? Did you eat? Are you hungry? Nah, nah, nah. I'm not hungry. Leave me alone. You know, she'd just bring me lunch and, you know, just put it, you know, at her, on her desk and, um, you know, I'd have to get up and walk over the walk of shame and grab the lunch and go back to my seat.

And she would ask like every hour or so, you ready to go back to class? No? Okay. You know, well, I'm going to go do lunch duty. Don't leave. I don't know if that was supposed to happen but she just didn't send me home and I just couldn't figure it out. And so on this day where I had this major, major breakdown, I finally asked, like, why don't you just send me home?

I don't want to be here. You don't want me here. They don't want me here. And, uh, first time she got up and just [00:08:00] cast this dark shadow, you know, it's crazy that I think about it. You know, you're, you're eight years old. So I'm sitting in this corner sitting in this chair and I'm all angry. And she finally gets up from her desk and she walks over to me super slow and she leans down and she's right in front of my face.

And she looked at me right into the eyes and she says, because you have potential. And I had no idea what the heck she was talking about. You know, you're eight years old. She saw you. Yeah. You know, and now that I'm older, I'm just like, she, she knew that eight year olds aren't cussing their teachers out, flipping desks over, you know, flipping people off.

So something is wrong. Right. And, and, and because You're acting like this. She understood that this is unchecked emotion. Like somebody is ignoring your cry for help and I'm not going to send you home because what's that going to fix? It's not going to do anything. That's just another person that you [00:09:00] feel has, has left you.

And so that's one of the strings that she created in my life, but it didn't make sense to me at eight. Sure. You know, Um, then we start to fast forward and, um, I'm about a junior. Well, I've had a few other encounters with, with, with teachers. And I remember, uh, one teacher in particular, I had trouble reading.

I just didn't want to read, you know, I didn't like reading and I just, it wasn't, it's not my cup of tea, you know, and I was failing this class because I couldn't pick a book that I wanted to read. And she goes, look, man, you, you just have to find something that fits you. Right. She's like, you're, you come in here, you crack jokes all the time.

And, you know, you make fun of people like in the, in the best way, you know? Um, so you're a class clown, find something, a comedy [00:10:00] book or something. So I ended up going to our school library and I find this Bernie Mac book, you know, and back on, you know, the kings of comedy back when that was really big and I find this Bernie Mac book and I'm reading it and I cannot put it down.

It's hilarious. So now I'm in class and now she's telling me, Hey, put the book down. Like we have to pay attention, you know, it's so funny. And I just, I'm laughing in class. I'm just cracking up to myself and I just can't put the book down. And that kind of started my, my love for, for reading and, uh, you know, and listening to audio books and things like that.

And that was just another string. Right. Cause remember my philosophy is still people don't care about you. So why care about people? And the final straw, like my turning point was my junior year. I had a great social worker named Cassandra McKinley and she worked hard for me. You know, as a social worker, I've had some not so good social [00:11:00] workers.

I've had some really good social workers and she was phenomenal. Um, she cared about me. As an individual, like, she treated me like her own son. And, uh, she went all out. She went all out for me. We're gonna, you're gonna be successful. I love that. Yeah. You're going to be successful. And you know, we've had some hard conversations when I was slipping in class, you know, she would, she would get on me.

She held you accountable. Yeah. She held me accountable and like you don't, you don't realize what that is. And so, you know, just, just to segue for a second, when I talked about trust issues and authority issues and abandonment issues, when you're constantly living in that state and somebody tells you something positive that's seen as a negative.

Right? When you mistrust people or you have these trust issues, trust is now scary. Yeah, I once had a student that told me, thank you for helping and saying that you're willing to do all these things, but every other adult has never [00:12:00] followed through. So I'm having a hard time believing you. Yeah. So you are probably in that same situation.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And so, When you know you when she would say these things like oh, you know, I'm gonna get you there We're gonna get you there sign up for this. She signed me up for every program possible every resource possible Even when I didn't do it You know, she just fill out the paper here. I need you to put your signature or she'd sign it for me cause I was under 18 or whatever the case may be.

And I'm just, I'm being dragged to these events and ah, here we go. She picked me up on a weekend to go to some conference or things like that. And she's like, I'm going to get you around successful people. So you don't have to sit here and be, cause basically, you know, it's just like you, you have two options, right?

And if someone in your case, if you don't graduate school, at least it's going to be difficult to, you know, she [00:13:00] was real with me. It's going to be difficult to be like, you're, you're going to end up in prison as, as, as, as morbid as that sounds as, you know, like you should never tell a kid that in, in my reality, that is a strong possibility.

And she would just keeping it real. And I think that's why I keep it so real with. Yeah. Right. There's no, it's rare to, you know, just fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, and then wake up and be like, okay, like, you know, all right, here we go. It's hard to do that. Like you have, it's, it's a habit, you know? And so, um.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, she signed me up for this college sponsorship program called United Friends of the Children in Los Angeles. And basically it's a, it's a program and they, they, they can follow you all the way from, I believe it's like elementary school to high school, keep tabs on you, you know, resources, educational, um, [00:14:00] um, educational resources and things like that.

Uh, so I'm with this program and Um, you know, I go to this orientation and they're talking all this information and things like that. Um, well, well that's, that's before. So I, I get, I'm at my foster home and I get a call and it's from a lady named Monica. Okay. Monica at that time, I believe was like the director or really high up there.

Um, and she telling me about this program. We'll offer you, I believe it was like 3, 000 a year for up to five years for college. You know, I'm, I'm 17, 20 is a lot of money to me. So I'm like 15 grand. I'm like, Whoa, yeah, I'm, I'm all ears. And you know, she's given me all, all the things that they do. We have a graduation and you know, we really celebrate foster care.

And then she said something that I didn't know was like a trigger phrase for me. [00:15:00] She was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just want to help you. And the moment she said that, it was like flashback. All the social workers, all the foster parents, all the foster homes and group homes that I've been to where people would say that phrase, we just want to help you.

I would move the next, the week, the next week, the next month. And it was just like, I, I, I, I liken it or compare it to those movie scenes where, you know, the, the, the, the car's flying off the bridge and you have this flashback of. of your life. And when she said that it's like the room got silent and in my head, it was just just pictures and pictures and pictures of people.

Oh, we just want to help you. We just want to help. Oh, we just want to help you. We're just going to help you this and just me moving like plastic bags and all this stuff. And my attitude just changed. I went from, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. 15. Okay, cool. To uh, yeah. All right. Checked out. Yeah. Oh, done.[00:16:00] 

And I think she noticed that. Okay. You know, Hey, if this is just something that you're interested, just, you know, give us a call back. You have my number, you have my information. And I'm like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Click. Yeah. I'm like, I'm not calling you back. And it's just, it just ruined my day. It's just ruined my night, man.

I was in a bad mood and it just ruined me. So the next day, the very next day I'm at school, I get home and I get this phone call again. You know, my foster mom goes, Hey, Right. And, you know, I was dating at the time, so I'm thinking, you know, it's a girlfriend of mine or a friend of mine. So I answered the phone.

Hello. You know, and she says, Hey D it's Monica. We noticed you have it called. And after that, the, the same 180 that my attitude took yesterday. It [00:17:00] did the complete opposite direction. So all of those strings that these people in my life had attacked, it's, she made the final connection and it was a aha moment.

People do care about you. Right. Right. My, my vice principal didn't send me home because she cared. This lady Monica called back because she cared. Right. Cassandra McKinley signed me up for all that stuff because she cared. Right. My, my teacher at the time, my English teacher at the time, you know, took me to the side and said, you need to read a book, find something that you love because she cared.

And so my, my philosophy on life was wrong. It was incomplete. Uh, you know, it was not, it was, it was not right. People do care about you. Yeah. And so. Everything changed for me. My grades shot up, my attitude [00:18:00] changed. I was enthusiastic. I was like, yeah, okay, let's do this. You know? Yeah, I am going to go to college.

I am going to be successful. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do these things. And so I ended up getting that college sponsorship program. I ended up going to Long Beach state. I filled out my FAFSA. I went to college for free. I didn't have to pay a dime. You know, they took care of the books. I won scholarships from my community.

I won scholarships from Long Beach State. You know, I was a athlete of the year in track. Like, my whole life changed, right? Pivotal moment. Yeah, and it was just like, you know, you think like, man, I'm just this little kid. In this, in this ocean of, of, of people, like I'm just a drop in a bucket, but people care about that drop.

You know, you're somebody's drop in the bucket, right? Like you're somebody's drop. And so that just, man, [00:19:00] I don't know. And after that, it's just like, man, I, it, it made me feel as if everything that I went through was for a reason. You don't know it when you're in it. You know, but once you get out of it, you go, uh huh.

Yeah. Those caring adults. It sounds like to me that they showed you that you should care about yourself. Yeah. And once you do that, like in, in foster care, cause you, you, you hear it a lot when you're in foster care, they don't care about themselves. They say it. Right. They, they, they go, I'm just going to do me, but they have no idea what that means because they don't know who they are.

You know, they don't, they, they, they have lost themselves. You know, you see these, uh, bright, you know, young, enthusiastic, um, excited individuals with this gray cloud over their head where it's constantly raining and, and they just, they've lost themselves. You know, and it takes some [00:20:00] person to kind of like shine or move that gray cloud out the way.

And they, they go, Oh, warm sunshine, like, Oh, I'm smiling now. I'm, I'm happy and excited now. And you'd see the change. So yeah. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so we got to know a little bit more about you, but before we knew about you, we knew two things. You have a love for resilience and a love for superheroes.

Um, so have you seen the picture of him dressed up as Spider Man? No. It's pretty, it's pretty awesome. Um, so in kind of that lane, how did you harness your superpower of resilience and how do you use that approach for fostering positive change among youth? Yeah, that's a, that's a great question. Um, So my, my love for superheroes came at a young age where comic books were like, my thing.[00:21:00] 

And I'm a huge Batman fan. And the reason why I'm a huge Batman fan is 'cause he's human and he, I, like, I related to him on a level of tragedy, lost his parents, and he had a decision to make. Do you become a villain or do you become a superhero? And you know as I grow up and you dive into like it's crazy because there's psychology of superheroes Which is nuts like you can listen to you know podcasts.

They talk about the psychology of superheroes, and there's this one Doctor Her name is, uh, uh, Andrea Lita Mendy, I believe. And she, she's a, she's a big Batman fan. And she, she talks about the psychology of, of superheroes. And, uh, one thing that she said one day is like, you know, superheroes and super villains, they're the same.

They just chose. Different paths, you know, these are equal paths, right? I'm going to use my pain to help people or I'm going to use my pain to hurt people. So, you know, it's foster care is the [00:22:00] same way I believe, you know, and, and so to answer your question, I just chose the path of I don't want anybody to go through this or feel the way I felt.

So I'm going to help people, you know, and on the opposite side, right? There is, you're going to feel what I feel. Yeah. You know this pain that you you need to feel this pain because this is this is how you hurt me and I want You to know how I feel and that's that's just the difference between the heroes and the villains And so I want to be positive.

I don't want people to go through what I went through. I can't control that however, I do want people to experience what it's like to Come out on the other side and utilize the lessons that they learned in foster care. There's no better feeling than that. You know, there's no greater feeling than that.

You know, my son comes with me sometimes and You know, we have conversations in the car. He's telling, you know, I'm asking me about my [00:23:00] story and things like that because he's never going to know his grandma, his real one, right? He's never going to know his real grandpa and I have to find a way to close those gaps but I also have to find a way to show him that his grandma now and his grandpa now are just as real as You know my real parents my biological parents and then what that means to him.

So there's there's for me, I think there are, you know, there's a lot more to be had on the positive side of things. Right. Pain just begets pain. Yeah. You know, and there's not too many avenues you can go down when you choose the villain side of things versus the hero side of things. And so that's something that really resonates with me.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like one direction is limitless and the other one has a clear ending. Yeah, and it's not, it's never good, you know, and you just create. Um, uh, I think on this side, you give people the choice, [00:24:00] you know, it's like, I know that when I go around and speak, I'm not creating a bunch of superheroes, but I am giving them a choice.

I am saying, Hey, there are two paths that you can take on the villain side. You don't, you're just creating more villains. You create a more hate and you create a more, you know, disdain for, um, you know, the system or whatever the case may be out on this side, the side I chose, it's saying, Hey, yeah, we do have a broken system, but what are you going to do about it?

You can change statistics. Like, you know, and I thought about that. Uh, one of my turning points that, you know, or one of those strings, those connections. That were made is walking into DCFS in Los Angeles and they had a poster, a laminated poster. I don't know if they still do that, but these big laminated posters with statistics, you know, about foster care.

And, um, it just really opened my eyes to be like, man, like if I'm, I'm going to be a statistic [00:25:00] anyway, I might as well either change them. So if it's 50%, you know, drop out of high school, then. If I graduate, maybe it's 49% now. Mm. You know, 12% go to college. Maybe if I go to college, it's 13%, 2% graduate. If I graduate, maybe it's 3%, who knows?

I'm gonna be one anyway. So I might as well just, you know, do it where it's gonna benefit me. Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's an interesting way to look at that. Yes. And I think a lot of youth don't, they can't see that. So your message comes along and shows them that they have the power to make the change for themselves.

Mm-hmm . Um, and I, and I've seen some of your presentations where you talk about your self and how you have a choice in that matter, somebody else's decisions and then what's been done to you. And I think that that really resonates with the youth that you speak to because you chose to take your power back and use the people that were surrounding you, that were empowering you [00:26:00] to make a positive change in your life.

And every youth could do that. They have the ability. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. As someone who has experienced the challenges in the foster care system firsthand, what advice would you offer to students who may be facing similar obstacles in their life, and how can you cultivate resilience and navigate through adversity?

Yeah, you gotta choose reality first. You know, my, my, I did, on that day where Monica called me, my life did take a 180. But I also made major progress when I accepted, I, I am a, a kid in foster care, right? Right. This is, I try to hide it. You know, cause I didn't want to be out, outcasted or, or, you know, um, I didn't want to be scrutinized or looked at as different or things like that.

So me and like my [00:27:00] foster brothers would, I would tell people same mom, different dad. Why you guys have last names? Why do you look different? Same mom, different dad. So according to us, like, you know, our moms have like 20 different suitors, you know, but, uh, I, I, because I didn't want to be different. Yeah. Um, and some people look at kids in foster care and they automatically label.

Automatically, automatically problem child. Uh, we got to keep an eye on them, you know, and not just, so for me, especially where I grew up, it's, you know, be, this is why statistics are so detailed. It's being male. There are different statistics between males and females in foster care being Black, there's differences between, you know, black, Hispanic, white, Asian, you know, and, and foster care and how many homes that you've been in, your, how, how your stability that has been taken your home that has been taken.

And so I fit all three of those like really red flag categories. And so people would look, Oh, he's in [00:28:00] foster care. Oh man, you know, ah, here we go. And so when you, when you change that, or when you choose reality. And you say, you know what? Yes, I'm in foster care. This, this is a part of my life and it always will be.

You gotta own your truth. You gotta own it. You gotta own it. I didn't choose it. It's something that happened to me. And it is what it is. So, but what, but that doesn't change the fact that you're still a human being. And I think, I think youth can apply that across the board and you, you could remove that foster care piece and you could still be in the home, but have a broken home or have drug addict or alcoholic parents or dysfunction within the home.

And there are things that happen to you, but that doesn't mean that's who you are. Absolutely. And for some people like getting out of your biological home might be the best thing that's happened to you. Yeah. You know, and, but you have to get out of the storm first to see it. [00:29:00] When you're in the storm, you can make all kinds of excuses.

Your mind is all over the place. But when you get out of it, like I think about my father, I think about my foster care journey. OK, I was born in Compton, California. Okay. And I moved and moved and moved and moved and I ended up in Walnut, California, which was like number eight on the safest cities to live in.

You know, crazy. Like all my friends that I have now, Walnut, California. And it's like, once you start thinking about things like that, and this is where resilience comes through, right? Being resilient, you'll, you'll, you'll get a chance to take a step back and look at your journey. So, I ended up in Walnut, California.

I went to Walnut High School. Walnut High School is where I met Ricky Parkhouse. Ricky Parkhouse was like a good friend of mine. Um, and you know, we played football together, basketball together. He hang out with, you know, hung out with me and my [00:30:00] crew and so on and so forth. So we became really good friends.

It just so happened that Ricky's house was a block away from the high school. So we go over there, we kick it, we meet his parents, Diane and Richard. And, um, we just hang out there all the time. Okay, so while I'm in Long Beach, they closed during the summer and the winter. And my foster parents at that time had moved into a 55 and older community.

And one day, you know, they caught me hopping the fence and was just like, Hey, this is an older community. He can't be here. And my foster parents were just like, Hey dog. You can't be here. Yeah, you gotta find somewhere to go. So I'm like, man, what the heck? So I'm scrambling, scrambling, scrambling, and I'm like, hey, Ricky, you know, can I stay with you guys for a couple weeks?

You know, so I can go back to school. So, yo, Ricky's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll just ask my dad, you know, that's the kind of, that's the kind of kid he is. And so he asks his dad, his dad's like, [00:31:00] time out, wait, what? What's going on? So I tell him my story. Had they never known, they never know. Right. So I tell him my story and he's like, dude, you can stay with us for as long as you need.

I spent seven years with them. They, they, I spent seven years with them. He taught, he's the one that got me to speaking in the speaking. He's the one that, that took care of me. He's given me all these lessons. He taught me how to be a man. Ricky's father, Ricky's father, who now I call dad, who is your kid, who is, who is my kid's grandpa and grandma now.

So it's just, you know, you think about that and you go, you know, yeah, it's, it's, it's tragic to be in 12 different homes and so on and so forth. But those 12 homes led me to where I am now. I utilize that journey, but if you give up, you never know where you're going to end up or who the people that you're going to meet and things like that.

I was scared to death. Yeah, to ask somebody, some stranger, like, you know, can this kid stay [00:32:00] with us for a little bit until he goes back to school and things like that. And it was just, it was, it's been amazing. It's been amazing journeys, you know, to, for, for, for the youth out there. You know, step one is choosing reality, you know, step two is really activating your resilience and it's super cliche to say, never give up.

But man, those, those can't be more truer words. You, you just have to, you have to endure, you have to learn to trust again. You know, whatever foster care took from you, you have to learn to get back. Right. You have to learn to get back. If it took your innocence because you were abused, you have to learn to get that back.

You know, if it took trust from you and now you have trust issues, you have to learn to get that back, you know, learn what that means to trust again, learn what that means to, um, if, if it's abandonment issues like for me, um, and I didn't learn I had abandonment issues until I was 29,[00:33:00] 

you know, 29, I was noticing that my life was going well. You know, I was speaking, I was traveling, you know, I was a good dad, but I was having relationship issues, you know, with my partners and these relationships just wouldn't last, you know? And so, me, one thing that, you know, you guys should know about me is I'm always looking into the mirror.

How can I be a better person? How can I be a better dad? I'm always asking, you know, my son, you know, what can I do to be better? Like, what can I do to be better? You know, my wife, how, you know, am I doing a good job? I'm always asking these questions. And, um Um, so one day I just book a therapy session and I'm like, Hey, you know, I'm, I'm having these issues and, um, and these relationships, like, I, I just want to know like, what am I doing wrong?

And so on and so forth. And this is a pivotal moment in my life. My therapist is a really great therapist. Shout out to Lolita domain. And [00:34:00] she, she says, well, let's talk about your mom. And I'm sitting there and I'm just like, Uh, What about her? Oh yeah, like why? This is not what I came in here for. And she's sitting there and she goes, Mm hmm.

You know, and like I'm, I hate that. She's I, I'm sure. So we're just standing there. We're just staring at each other. And then I go, Oh, well, you know, she's this and that, and we have a, you know, well, what about your relationship with her? Oh, you know, she was cool. Like I met her when I was 18 for the first time.

And then, uh, that didn't go well. So you went into foster care at two months old, two months old. Yeah. So yeah. So two months, she didn't hear from me from two months to 18 years old. And when she called me the first time, She, Oh, I want you to come visit us. And so on and so forth. I said, Oh, I'm going to ask my mom, my foster mom.

And she just blew a gasket. And I was just like, ah, you know, I'm not ready for this. And so 21 was the next [00:35:00] time that I actually talked to her and met her. So I'm telling her the story and then my mom passed away in 2018 and things like that. And so the next session we come in and And she's like, Oh, so, you know, let's talk about your mom.

And I'm just like, dude, no, no. You know, like I don't, I don't get it. And I'm just getting irritated. And I would just say like, I don't like, what, what do you want to know? And I can notice like my, my tone is changing. I'm getting irritated. She just starts writing stuff down and I'm like, that's just pisses me off even more.

And so finally our third session. We're in there and you know, we're, we're, we're having a little small talk and things like that. And she's like, okay, cool. So, you know, let's, uh, let's talk about your mom. And I'm just like, lady, I'm, I'm out, you know, like I'm done. And I'm just like, man, what do you want to know?

And she pauses, [00:36:00] she looks at her notes and she says, you came here because you want to talk about your relationship issues. And I'm like, yes. Finally. And she goes, your problem is you have abandonment issues. You're, you're, you're dealing with the fact that your mom left. Yeah. The most fundamental relationships and most at two months old.

And so now when you're in these relationships and they get too close and all your foster homes and moving and stuff. You get into the survival mode. I'm going to leave you before you leave me and you will sabotage a relationship. So they don't leave first. And I sat there just like, you're spot on. It get, you get too close.

The, I love you start coming in all this other stuff. And you're just like, yeah, yeah, I love you too. Love you too. Like, you know, my daughter, who's awesome. [00:37:00] I didn't tell my daughter, I love you. It would just be love you. Love you too. Love you too. Love you too. I never said I love you until she was like 15.

Wow. You know, and so when I talk to foster youth, I'm like, dude, foster care takes a toll on you. It really does. And if you don't attack it, like you have to attack it, it can consume you, you know, it can consume you. So, you know, one of those things is like, yeah, I had to, I have, I tell myself all the time I have abandonment issues.

That's reality for me. I can't live outside of reality. Not when you're in foster care, not when you have that much trauma. Now, if you're lucky enough to, or are fortunate enough to, you know, get moved in one home and that family adopts you. And then from two months to, you know, the rest of your adult, you have this, you know, it, there's still trauma there, but it's not as extensive as to somebody who's been in [00:38:00] 24 homes or 36 home or been beaten or, or, you know, things like that.

And so, You know, kid, like this stuff, it, it, it, uh, shapes your personality. Like trauma can shape your personality. It can shape the way you think and the way you do things and so on and so forth. So, you know, that's my advice for people is you got to figure out what your trauma is, what was stolen from you.

You got to go get it. You have to choose reality every day and you have to surround yourself with people that actually care about you. Yeah. And that takes work. You have to do that every day. And you, and, and that people don't want to work because the work is, is hard. You know, the work that I put on myself, uh, going to therapy and asking these hard questions, me and my wife have hard conversations a lot that is 10 times more difficult than foster care, right?

The work you have to do to get [00:39:00] back to normal is 10 times more difficult than the trauma that you experienced in foster care, you know? So it's hard work, but it needs to be done. Yeah. Self reflection and ownership is difficult because we all have scars from things that have happened to us, some more than others, and it's all layered.

But to look at what your role has played in either making choices because Like blaming what happened to you and then what those choices were. They were your choices, right? Not what happened to you, but what choices you made while you were in that like anger state. And so self reflection for youth is A different planet for any of them because they have to start talking about what happened to them and how to take their ownership back.

And so I think one thing that I saw when you were working with our youth yesterday was telling them like, your story is your story. What are you going to do about it? Like you are old enough to now say, [00:40:00] this is all what happened to me. This is my reality, but I have the power to make a change. And it sounds to me like, Even today at 36 years old, you still have to say that to yourself every day.

Yeah, I think you don't have the luxury of, of living a day where you just go, huh? Nothing matters. You know, you don't have that luxury because one, one word like that phrase, like if, if Monica never said that to me, you know, and I never realized, oh, that's, that's a, that's a. You know, that's a, that's a word for me.

Like, that's a phrase for me that gets me, you know, like I have a emotion, uh, emotional reaction to that phrase. We just want to help you, you know, we just want to help you. Like, that still gives me like, eh, you know? Yeah. But if I never knew that and someone told me that at 40, what would my reaction be?

You know, what kind of holes would I be digging myself in? [00:41:00] So you have to realize this stuff, you know, one day I was at a school, um, just real quick, I was at a school and, uh, there's this young lady who was really having trouble in this particular class with this particular teacher. You know, and no one could figure it out and the teacher's like, dude, I, I Don't know, you know, and so before, you know, they move classes and things like that You know They talked to the teacher and was just like, you know She does not like you and not in a way where she was disrespectful or anything like that She was just I gotta get up.

I gotta get out of this class. She would freak out and so I'm sitting there and I'm kind of talking to her and I'm, I'm, you know, or I go to the school, I'm telling my story. She kind of opens up to me about her life and things like that. And so long story short, you know, she was abused and her either her stepdad or her, her, her father or something like that, um, would come home from work.

He would drink a lot. He was an [00:42:00] alcoholic, but he would have his work keys. On his belt. On his belt. She, she know you hear the keys all the time. This teacher kept a carabiner of keys. So whenever he walked by her desk or whenever he walked into class, she would hear this sound and just freak out, you know?

And I was just like, Oh man. And after that, you know, cause we knew we had the information and you know, then, then you can understand. But like that is something that really, you know, I had to really take a step back and go, man, what in my life are my keys? You know, like what, what are the, that keys jingling?

Like what do I have things in my life? And I still don't know. I know that phrase for sure, but the other stuff I don't know yet. And that's why I constantly have to do this work. I constantly have to be in front of a professional and being really honest [00:43:00] with what I'm struggling with. You know, so they can help me.

Yeah. And for many youth that can be a smell, that can be a, uh, an atmosphere, it could be all sorts of things. And I think the important piece there was that you listened to her and cued it enough to know that's the connection and then communicated that, right? That wasn't just left with you, that was communicated to be able to help that student be more successful.

And she probably had no idea that it was the keys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Wow. So, thinking of Richard, thinking of Monica, just thinking in kind of that lane, how can parents, resource parents, educators, all these people involved in students lives better support and empower um, these individuals on their journey?

Towards success and resilience. Yeah. So [00:44:00] when I think about my journey, I have developed this acronym called KU, right? K U W, which stands for knowledge, understanding, wisdom. All of those people in my life ask questions to gain knowledge. The more you know, the more you understand, ah, this is why you do what you do.

Ah, this is why you say what you say. And now I can apply wisdom to it. Right? I'm not going to talk to you. Like my little sister is a, is a huge, uh, sleeper. She loves to sleep. Same. And everybody knows you just let her wake up on her own. Don't wake her up. Don't just let her wake up on her own. Cause if you do, it's a wrap for the rest of the day.

She's miserable. She has an attitude. I'm going to give my husband your phone. Just let her wake up on her own. If she's late, she's late. That's on her. You know? [00:45:00] And so, you know, we learned that the hard way, but over time, like when I, when I got into the house of the park houses, Um, you know, like she, she's amazing.

She's amazing and smart and just loves books and all that stuff. So one day I just thought she was going to be late. You know, so I'm like knocking on her door, knocking on door and everybody in the house simultaneously was like, don't, and I'm like, what, what, what? And you know, they gave me knowledge. She does not like to be woken up.

Do not wake her up. Everybody has had learned the hard way, you know? So it's just like, ah, you get it. Oh, okay. This is why. Okay. And so in my life, they all ask questions. Yeah. You know, like how much information can I get about you? And then I can assess that information and then I understand more about you.

I understand you. And those are different. [00:46:00] Like knowledge, understanding and wisdom are very different. Yeah. You know, they're, they all have their, they, they intertwine, but they all have their purposes. You know, the more you know, the more you understand. Because they asked questions, but they didn't just take the answer and for what it was.

Even if you said no, even if you said, I don't want to, they continued to ask questions. Yeah. Okay. You don't want to answer that. Okay, cool. And, and a smart person will go, all right, you didn't want to answer that. There's a reason why you didn't want to answer that question. You know, like yesterday we, we met a young lady and the first presentation, she'd say not one thing.

Yeah, I didn't say one thing to me. And then the second presentation all giddy and I did this and that. And when we are writing down our goals, uh, she threw a paper away. And I was just like, huh? I was just like, Oh, why, why'd you throw it away? Just asking, oh, do we need to keep it? I'm like, you don't [00:47:00] have to, you know?

I just want to know why, why you threw it away. And, uh, she didn't say anything. Kind of grabbed out trash can and, and walked away. And to me, it was just like, I'm not, I don't feel like I can accomplish this right now. I have this block, right? I don't think this is going to help me. You know, and so I don't push things like that because people need time, you know, I'm a back in the, you know, uh, back in the corner type of guy myself.

I do my best work when, when the clock is ticking down and things like that. And I didn't get it together till I was 25, you know, like really get a handle on my life till I was 25. I understand that now. Yeah. All right. So when I talk to students, it's just like, you know, some people just, they, it's, it's not their time right now.

Thank you for this information. It's just not my time right now. Right. And 25, but all of those adults that helped you along the way, it still [00:48:00] wasn't, it still was worth it because even though you didn't see it then. If they didn't do what they did, would you have seen it at 25? Would you have seen it at 17?

Would you have gone to college? So it's those pieces to the puzzle that are so important. So even with youth that can't see it right now, it's really important for advocates and educators that are in youth's lives making an impact to keep trying. Yeah. Oh, you have to, even if you don't see the results.

You know, social work and resource parenting and teaching and education. These are thankless jobs. These are thankless jobs. However, how awesome is it that 20 years later, you go to a conference, and the kid that you had in your class is sitting on stage as the keynote speaker. And then, without even prompting or anything, he mentions your name as somebody who.

Had an impact on his life. There's no better feeling than that [00:49:00] now So it's like you you you have to I I tell parents or people who want to be foster parents When you bring in a kid in foster care into your home You have to let them unpack and sometime that looks like Throwing all the clothes at you.

I don't trust you Why am I here and this and that and you just take it and you help unfold it? Cause it's not personal. It's not personal. You can't take it personal. You can't take it personal. You know? Which is, it's just gotta be so hard on both ends because I know that there's many resource parents that are doing this because they want to make a positive impact.

But when they're hit with so much, um,

unability to accept somebody else's thought that they care or that they will consistently care or that they will always be there. It's probably really difficult for the youth, obviously we know that. The challenges that they've [00:50:00] been through are things that people can't even imagine. But for the, the, for the caring adult who has decided that they're going to open up their homes, it's a grind, I'm sure, for them to continue to show up each day positively and allow kiddos to unpack.

But knowing that the end result of that Um, is best for that youth just to keep that in their forefront of their mind, I think is something that's important for, for, to be shared. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you have to, you have to continue. The thing about foster care is our superpower is smelling fake from a mile away.

I was on high alert. Oh yeah. You could, because you've, you've been forced to do that. So it's easy for us to tell for people who don't. Want the best interest of you, you know that this is why and it's really for me I used to speak in a Tie and button up and slacks and loafers. [00:51:00] I think I've seen that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I used to speak in that and

students were just like, Hey, good job. You know, but I put on my Jordans, my jean jackets and my tee. Oh man, you are awesome. Like, thank you so much. This was great. I really resonated with it because you know, it's, I see myself in you. Like you're speaking, you look like me, you talk like me, you've been through the things that I've been through.

They right now, They want to be successful, but they don't see themselves in suit and ties right now. Yeah. You know, they see themselves just trying to get out of the, of the grind part. I just want to graduate high school, you know, I just want to go to college. These are the things that I see. So it's everyday wear and something so small like that really makes an impact.

And sometimes adults don't understand that, right? We use it. We use it. So, you know, I had this video [00:52:00] up. And in my video, I'm talking to middle school students. I got like a, a jean jacket on my rib jeans, my Jordans. And it's just funny cause there's a lot of adults that are just like, why would you dress like that?

Why do you, you know, why do you talk like that? You know, I say ain't and bro and things like, why do you talk like that? Yeah, yeah. And I, you know, I'm doing these things that are just like, that's so unprofessional. And it's just like, you, you have no clue. What you're, you know, what you're talking about, like this is what these kids need.

They need to be able to see themselves in you. Exactly. Before you get them to a point where it's just like, okay, now at this level is a whole different dress code. You know, on this job, it's a different dress code. It's a different language. Like if I go in there speaking psychology and, and huge words that they don't understand, they're checked out.

Especially because you get a short period of time with the youth that you're in front of, right? So you've got to be able to be approachable. And this is why I don't use data in my [00:53:00] presentations. Yeah. I don't use, I will talk about statistics, you know, briefly. I don't use data cause they don't care about data.

You know, they don't care about best practices and all that other stuff. Like kids don't, adults do cause we want to know how we can help, but kids don't care about that stuff. There's like, well, you know, this is, this is not relatable to me. And I learned that the hard way. So over time it's just like, you know what, let's just break down the walls first.

You break down the walls with telling a personal story, and this is for the adults too, is you also have to be vulnerable. If they see you as this perfect, I live, you know, a great life, how are you going to help me? Yeah, because they only see, youth only see adults however they present to them. They don't know what their history is.

And so if you're never vulnerable or share any of that with the youth to relate to them, it's challenging for them to even It's a big leap from where they are to [00:54:00] where you are. Yeah. I mean, and adults forget this as well. All right. And this is probably why I chose third grade again, you know, because your third grade teacher has imagination still, you know, but when you get adult, like when you get to adults, and I speak to adults all the time adulting.

And real life. We forget that we were once kids. We forget that we got in trouble. We forget that we snuck out of the house. We forget that we cussed or, you know, we, we, you know, took a sip of beer at 17 or whatever, you know, like we forget those things. Yeah. And so we're so hard and so, um, Disconnected from these new youth and I say new youth cause these, this is a different breed of youth.

Like today's age of kids are also asking questions. Why do I need to do this? You know, as opposed to when I was growing up, it was just like, you know, your [00:55:00] mom tells you to do this, you do it. You don't ask questions. There's no why there's no, you know, how does this work or whatever? You know, I have to have an explanation for my, for my kid.

As to why he's doing what he's doing. Yeah. Not because I said so. That doesn't work anymore, you know? And so it's the same thing when it comes to foster care, like, okay, why, you know, why are you moving me again? And we just don't have answers sometimes. Oh, because this and that. And in the foster care system, there's a lot of, you know, there's a lot of red tape.

There's a lot of politics. There's a lot of procedure and policies and things like that. And we don't have ways to explain these in layman's terms to for kids to understand. So they go to the next home pissed. Do you think in that situation it's OK for that adult to say, I don't know why? Like, like. If maybe if share a few pieces that they do know, but then share, like, I think being honest is, is always, you know, a [00:56:00] good thing.

And sometimes I don't know is a very honest answer. Like, I just don't know. Yeah. You know, when you, when you get into the world of foster care and you're a resource parent or an adoptive parent or a foster parent or a social worker, there's stuff you just don't know. Yeah. I literally just don't know. And that sucks for the kid, and it sucks for the parent.

But that's an honest answer. I do not know. You know, and there's a lot of things, like I said, that, you know, I can't tell you. You know, I know when I was growing up, we couldn't, if we left the home. It, we couldn't keep contact with that home for fear of they might run away to that home or, you know, if they made a connection and they call that person, they might not respect the other person.

So there, there's a lot of things that are involved, you know? And so at the end of the day, when the smoke settles, the best thing you can be is a caring adult. Show them that you care. Don't just say it like you have to [00:57:00] show them, you know, can't take a personal, you have to ask questions. Don't take no for an answer.

Figure it out. You know, figure it out. Yeah, one caring adult. I always say that. It just takes one. And it sounds like you've been fortunate enough to have several of those caring adults. And I love the fact that you honor them in your story. And you Put names to your story. I think that makes an impact on not only the youth that you're talking to, but also the educators, because we need to be reminded that what we're doing every day is important in a youth life.

So it has been a pleasure to have you on the podcast today. Um, with our icebreaker question, we also have a closing question. I ask every guest, um, and it's a two part question. You can answer both or you can answer one. It's up to you. But at SCOE, one of our core values is focusing on being hopeful and helpful.

And so the first question is, what is your hope for the next generation? And the second question is, who is someone that has been [00:58:00] helpful to you in your journey? I feel like you've answered the second one, right, throughout the whole, I don't know, if you could identify a who, you've got lots of who's, which is fantastic.

Yeah. Uh, Whoville is what I call them. Lots of who's. Uh, my hope for the future generation is really to figure out who you are. You know, really take the time to figure out who you are as an individual, how, why you were built the way you're built. Figure that out, you know, learn your love language, you know, learn your, your personality.

And once you learn those things, apply it, communicate it, communicate it. You know, like be honest with people. I'm, you know, this, like my love languages, words of affirmation. So when you talk to me, please talk to me in a way that I find that's loving and caring. Yeah. You know, be [00:59:00] emotionally intelligent, like really take the time to understand who you are.

And yeah, I mean, yeah. Don't be afraid to communicate those things. Right. Uh, my son is eight and he is not afraid to say, Hey dad, I do not feel like talking right now. Can you give me 15 minutes? You honor that. And I honor that. I did it before. I'm your dad. I know we're going to talk now. Yeah, exactly. He doesn't respond to that.

Yeah. You know, give us some time to gather his thoughts. And we have a great relationship now because I'm, honoring who he is and how he's wired. I'm not taking my, our personalities are different. You know, he knows that about his dad. I know that about him. You know, I'm trying to learn my daughter right now.

She's in a 18, you know, phase. I'm trying to learn, um, her, but I respect her boundaries. [01:00:00] She's trying to learn herself too. Yeah. It's nice that you're respecting that a lot. Yeah. And so if the future generation of kids. Um, can learn those things about themselves and be able to communicate it. We can get along a lot better.

You know, if I know how you two work and how you want to be talked to and how you want to be interacted with, we can get along a lot better than just guessing. You know, maybe I say something off the cuff, you know, that offend you. And I don't even know cause I didn't ask questions. I didn't, you know, take the time to, um, You know, understand who you are as a person so that if we can do that, I'm, I'm almost sure that a lot of the little stuff, the minute hate, microaggressions and all that can, can dissipate and go away.

Yeah, I agree. I think, I think we've gotten so siloed and in our screens that [01:01:00] the ability to effectively communicate our needs and learn who we are and not what other, what other people are doing. How many people have, how many likes, how many follows, how many views that that's been such a disconnect for so long that we need to bring it back.

Yeah. And we lose ourselves like social media. I want to be him. And, and I'm guilty too. I want to speak like that. I want a presentation like that. I want my email list to look like that. And, and it's just like, no, this is my personality. This is the way I'm wired, like hardwired designed. Right? And so I need to do things in my own way.

And for the last 15 years, you know, I wake up every year. And I go, how am I going to do this again? Literally like still till this day, how am I going to do this again? This is the only thing that I've been doing for the last 15 years. No other side jobs, nothing like that. And I'm just like, I don't know. I say that to myself.

I don't know how I do this, but you know, I'm [01:02:00] a firm believer in purpose. I'm a firm believer in, in, in God. And I feel like using your all, I'm telling my story. Yeah. You know, I'm not telling anybody else's story. I'm telling my story and people are inspired by how I lived The things that I've overcome, you know, and I've done it my way You know And I think if people can accept them doing it their way like the way they're wired not anything That's made up or something that they learn from the news or whatever the case may be But really knowing themselves and finding out themselves and doing thing So being able to do things their way with their talents, their gifts.

That's how you show people that you're valuable. You know, in my presentation I do tell people they matter. You know, you matter. What does that mean though? What does that mean to matter? Yeah. You know, and a [01:03:00] part of that is being able to be you in every aspect of your life, you know, And respecting that.

Well, Your Way got you here. Uh, we saw you at a conference. Um, I saw you at a conference last year. And when we were looking to bring presenters, I think that the dynamics of your ability to speak to adults and youth. Was impactful. Um, and so we are thrilled to have you in Shasta County to make the impact with our students.

Well, thank you so much. It's been an honor. It's been great. Thank you for taking the time to kind of sit down and, and learn more about about me and the things that I do. I really appreciate all the work that you all do for foster youth in this County.

Likewise. Thanks for being here, Dee. Absolutely. Alright.