Thrive & Decide Guide to Divorce and Beyond

Healing Through Heartbreak: Whitney Frazier's Journey of Grief, Motherhood, and Personal Growth

• Sarah Thress • Season 1 • Episode 2

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After experiencing the profound loss of her husband to a rare cancer, Whitney Frazier's life took an unexpected yet inspiring turn. Join us as Whitney bravely shares her journey from the heartbreak of losing her partner to discovering her passion for nursing, ultimately achieving her doctorate while raising a child alone. Her narrative is filled with the lessons of resilience and determination, offering a beacon of hope to those navigating the complexities of grief and career challenges.

Whitney’s candid reflections provide an intimate look into the emotional landscape of grief and healing. As she transitions from the darkest days to finding solace in her role as a single mother and a healthcare professional, Whitney discusses the transformative power of self-care practices like yoga. This episode shines a light on the strength it takes to prioritize personal well-being and maintain a connection with her late husband through cherished memories and signs, all while pursuing long-held dreams in the face of adversity.

This compelling episode also embraces the importance of community and listener engagement. Whitney encourages feedback and sharing as she aims to build a supportive space for those facing similar struggles. By weaving in personal growth and the balance between independence and future relationships, Whitney's story emphasizes the enduring presence of loved ones and the power of resilience. Whether you're seeking guidance, inspiration, or a heartfelt connection, Whitney Frazier's journey is sure to resonate deeply.

Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. I’m your host Sarah Thress. This podcast is intended to help women who are going through a divorce, continplating divorce or have lost a spouse feel seen, heard, understood and not alone. All the beautiful souls who share on here are coming from a place of vulnerability and a common belief that sharing your story will help others. You will also hear from industry experts on what to do and not do while going through a divorce.


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Sarah:

Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. Today we are going to be talking with Whitney Frazier. I have known her, gosh, since kindergarten. Yes, since Vicki. Yes, yes, so, yeah, so I've known her for, you know, a couple of years and yesterday, right, exactly exactly Um.

Sarah:

But I asked her to join us today because, uh, I find her so inspirational because, unfortunately, she has dealt with a lot, um, you know, a lot of loss and um, but she has overcome it and she has kicked so much butt and as raised, you know, or is actually still raising, a child on her own and um, you know, I just I asked her to come on to just kind of share her story of, you know, meeting her husband and then just kind of the process of, you know, everything that she went through.

Sarah:

And, you know, I don't want to, I don't want to spoil it, I'm going to let her, you know, kind of share her story but, um, it's very inspirational and hopefully you all will find it just as inspirational as I do, because, you know, she was dealt some really, really crappy cards and, uh, she has made the absolute best of it and um, you know, just got her doctorate in nurse practitioner and, um, I literally could not be more proud of her and everything that she's done. So, whitney, thank you so much for taking time out to talk with us.

Whitney:

Yes, happy to yeah. Um, where did I start? Yeah, yeah, just you know where did you? Meet Clayton. Okay, so with that I mean that can go on forever. We had something too, but that whole like like my story from him beginning to end but um, so we randomly met one night out.

Whitney:

we were at a local dive bar and, um, it's kind of random, we went to the same high school. He was a senior, our freshman year of high school. I kind of remember him walking around, didn't know him, um, but we had ended up with like a ton of friends in common and I went up there one night to meet my cousin, ran into somebody else I knew and he was sitting there talking to them and we ended up talking all night long and I remember thinking I think he's like, he likes me.

Speaker 2:

I don't know, Like I was, just like I don't know, he's a really tall skinny guy.

Whitney:

I know, like I did, I was just like I don't know. He was a really tall, skinny guy and like he's really skinny and I'm like I don't know, because I'm not a skinny girl. That was like we looked all together but I kept running into him like that particular week and then my ex came up to me and was like Clayton will go jogging with you, I'm like, and I could tell he was never gonna ask me out. So I like ran into him like seriously again two nights later, like what's your number? And so that started that we went on our first date like two nights later we were engaged in four weeks later. I love that. And then I mean we I was finishing up my first bachelor's and so I wanted to wait until that was done. So it was like another year and a half later that we got married.

Whitney:

Clayton was at that point an admission from cancer. It was a really rare cancer, an anomyosis to carcinoma, and we were both just young enough and I was young and dumb enough to be like, so it really helped him to stick. We were like it's fine, it is rare, but it's also really slow growing, and so we kept being told that slow growing, slow growing like it may come back, but it could take years, and so I lived in the thought that I'll have 30 years.

Whitney:

No, yeah, okay, not the greenest, but that's 30 years. We got married. We were married two and a half years.

Whitney:

Moved to Seattle in September of 2006. New Year's Eve no, not New Year's Eve, december 30th At midnight he had to go into the hospital and he was having bacterial infection. His cancer was a head, neck and throat cancer and he was kind of prone to it. It was the first time since we had been together that that had been an issue and then that kind of started the process of finding out he had already come back. He actually, when we moved to Seattle, was in culinary school. He continued that he was working full time. There wasn't really any treatment for it. It was in his lungs and, like, as long as it's not bothering you, again, it's slow growing, it's fine.

Whitney:

And it was slow growing, but probably about two years in he thought he was having some shortness of breath we went in, everything looked fine. But the oncologist got up and was like, if you want, we can go ahead and move. It's fine, it's fine, okay, yeah, let's go get that out great let's be done with this um, so he did that again.

Whitney:

We thought we were like, well, we're good for a while, um, and so we're like, well, if we're gonna have a kid and it seems like a good time to do it, he was done with school, um, I at that point. So, in the process of him being sick, um, I should say so as a nurse practitioner I actually considered going back to my maiden name and I decided no, because the reason why I decided to even go into nursing was because of him. Um, I was trying to. I had a I have a degree in public relations that never really got used and I was trying to figure out what to do. And in the process of him being in the hospital, I would just remember looking at the nurse and be like that's it, that's what I want to do, um, and so I wanted.

Whitney:

I was initially going to go to pediatric, um, or pediatrics for nursing, and um, yeah, so I was. I wouldn't be in this field if it wasn't for that experience, but I was already starting um prerequisites for nursing. I mean, in public relations you have no sciences. I think I do entomology, and that was about it.

Whitney:

I had to keep a Madagascar hissing cockroach for a pet like that was my science class.

Sarah:

I had to do that too, because my degree was in public relations.

Whitney:

Yeah, and I remember we were supposed to touch it and make it hiss and stuff and and I made my roommates do it. I'm like I'm not touching that thing, yeah, so anyway, I'm starting on that. And one I mean I really want to do nursing. But two, thinking ahead to now, I had already decided that, like that, I was going to do this for me. Um, I came from a family that I was the youngest of four. My parents got a divorce when.

Whitney:

I was eight, my dad moved to a different country and there was significant age difference between my siblings and I and my sister in particular, got to see a lot of benefit of having them be together and I got none of that and some of the stuff she got to experience I actually never cared about.

Speaker 2:

I never felt like I missed out but I was like I literally was never given anything, so I was like I'm gonna make this happen for me, I'm gonna do something that I want to do and I'm gonna make this happen um, so I was already working on the prerequisites for nursing um.

Whitney:

We had our daughter.

Speaker 2:

We moved back to Tulsa and within a month of being he he was kind of starting to have some weird like anxiety stuff, right after she was born, we kind of just talked about to like yeah your dad's stuff, yeah, but we had been home about a month and he was uh, radiation caused quite a bit of damage.

Whitney:

Now there's a lot more that they do to kind of alleviate that damage or kind of lessen it and stuff that wasn't being done yet. So he was experiencing chronic pain and morphine was like one of the only things that helped. And one day it was around Thanksgiving, I think, it was like right after Thanksgiving we had been out and about doing stuff and he was complaining about not feeling. Well, um, there was something at his mom's he wanted to get and I was like, well, let's go over there. She was at work, but we wanted her to hang out for a little bit. And he just said he wanted to go lay down in the gash and take a nap. I was like, okay, I'm just talking to a friend, and I was like I need to go check on him. And I went in and he was blue, or he was going blue and I had to shake him, shake him, shake him before he started breathing again or something. I mean that was, that was the beginning of like the downhill Cause.

Whitney:

He just kind of they didn't find anything at that point. They thought he had pneumonia. Then they thought it was due to, like, it's possible he had taken too much morphine, like maybe he got his timing off because he wasn't charting and he was just like yeah, it's been about a couple hours, I'll take a little more, whatever, but that was the first 10 years that happened. Um, but it, let's see. That was end of november beginning, beginning of December. It wasn't until April that they defended, after multiple stints in the hospital, that first time he actually ended up in ICU and that was the first time he ended up there. Um, but then in April we found out his cancer did come back so.

Sarah:

I mean. So how old was Eliza at this point?

Whitney:

so this point we left for treatment she was eight months old, wow, and we ended up in florida for treatment. So I was in florida, new mom, driving my sick husband. I mean I was in the car at least three hours a day just driving him to and from his appointments, and having her like it Every week was a little worse she did. We were able to get her into like an in-home daycare a couple days a week, so that was helpful. But I mean I just now I'm okay with the idea of going to Florida, even off vacation, like Tampa Bay to me Sorry Tampa Bay, lovely people. But if I never saw that place again I would not be upset. But yeah, so he actually got through treatment.

Whitney:

His last PET scan showed that he was clear. We actually got a clear PET scan result on his 35th birthday, november 5th of 2010.

Speaker 2:

And overall he was doing really well.

Whitney:

But he wasn't out of the woods yet.

Speaker 2:

I mean, he still had a lot of work to do.

Whitney:

He had lost a lot of weight. He had a lot of damage from the radiation, Like his jaw was recessing back. Basically, he did end up having to have a PEG tube. The last well, I guess he got that in I mean like almost last year was like he had a PEG tube for feeding. I mean like almost last year was like he had to pay two for feeding. And I remember Christmas time looking at him and thinking I don't know something's not feeling right.

Whitney:

But he was still functioning in the world, like I mean, he wasn't something that I might have to be on hospice or anything. And he again he got these bacterial infections and this is the point that the doctor's like just keep some, just always have the antibiotic on hand. So we did that he was showing signs of it again, um, but ultimately I think his body was just too worn down because he he woke up on a Sunday, was having those issues, I had to go in and work, woke up on a Sunday, was having those issues, I had to go in and work. I remember it was kind of a cold, snowy day even. He just wasn't feeling good. So he and Eliza, our daughter, ended up just hanging out at his mom's house for the day so mom could help out. And then he came home that night and a lot of times when he wasn't feeling good he would just sleep out on the couch and so he was sleeping out on the couch and I remember um waking up at like three o'clock in the morning and he was still. He was like awake, watching tv.

Whitney:

I was, eliza had woken up, I was taking her, and I just remember, like, waking up and you know I don't want to go back to bed and then the next morning, probably seven o'clock in the morning, I remember Eliza waking up and I brought her to my bed, it's okay. I remember looking at her and being like this is it? Like this is the life I wanted, this is the thing I wanted, and it was. That moment was shattered like literally a half a second later and I heard we were staying with my mom because we had been. When we moved out from Seattle. We were like we'll go stay with my mom until we get jobs and to trade and all that.

Whitney:

And then we got sick and so we went to Florida, came back, we were still with my mom and I hear her screaming, isn't it? And I knew like I went out and I already knew um and she called 911 and they're asking me to check and do CPR and I'm like his jaw, like there's no way I can even get it open enough, and I just remember thinking like that's it, it's okay and um, it was uh yeah, and so everybody came, they took him to the hospital and I'm like he's already gone and I remember my mom saying well, you know, we can always pray for a miracle, you know something might happen.

Whitney:

and I remember looking at her and saying I don't think that's the thing to pray for at this point, because I mean his quality of life had gone down quite a bit.

Whitney:

And it had gotten rough, literally in the last three weeks of his life. I mean the last couple weeks I could barely understand him, but until that there was a good chunk of time, like a of years, where I was one of the only people I could actually understand when he was talking, because the job situation and all about him, the cancer. And he passed five days before my birthday.

Whitney:

His funeral was the day before and on my birthday I remember just being a crying mess like that, like just wallowing in the darkness and just um, I ended up going over to a friend's house and just to kind of get out and I mean Eliza was with me and I, eliza laid down for a nap, and I laid down with her, and I mean it's about just that whole day felt dark. Like we went out, we were just like goldies to get a burger or whatever you know, just for dinner, but just the whole day felt dark. But the next day after that I woke up and I thought I don't want to feel like that, I can't feel like that.

Whitney:

I have a kid here that like I can't do that, um, and I remember even saying something about that and everyone was like well no, you need to allow yourself to do it. I'm like that wasn't grieving, that was being swallowed Like that. No, that wasn't healthy, like I mean not to say it was unhealthy, but I just know me, and if I had let myself stay there too long, I don't know if I would have ever gotten out of it. And so I just you know I got, I mean.

Whitney:

I hate to say, like I just told myself, I'm not going to do that because that's not something I mean just anybody can do, but that was just one of those things are like I'm not going to do that, I can't do that, um and so to me, this whole also this whole time I'd still been taking my prerequisites and when I decided to become a nurse, it was also my end goal was always to be a nurse practitioner and I mean, I have gotten away from that a few times. So I'm like, yeah, I want to do it, but kind of, the universe kept guiding me back to that. So, yeah, that was.

Whitney:

I was 32 years old a single mom to a 15 16 month old and waiting tables at the time. And a year later my mom was diagnosed with cancer again. She had been dealing with this like weird form of skin cancer which I'm like it's freaking skin cancer, like it wasn't something. It wasn't a type that you would think that, oh, you're going to die from, but in her case it was just like if anything could get wrong it went wrong, it was like a lot of surgery was gone badly or her response to it was bad and just kind of so it was yeah, that was fun.

Whitney:

So less than two years I lost my husband and I lost my mom, with a big answer. And I just I mean, like I've been told several times, in fact, I have a friend right now whose husband was diagnosed with ALS. And so and I mean they're older, you know, older than me and they've been married 20 something years and even yesterday I saw her and she's just like I just don't know how you did it with the baby and I'm like I didn't really have an option.

Speaker 2:

And I've been told that by a few people, like during losses or whatever.

Whitney:

Like my cousin lost her mom and she's like I don't know how you did this with the baby, like how you were able to do this. I'm like I didn't have a choice. It was sink or swim, you know.

Whitney:

So I just swam as best as I could, and that doesn't mean I didn't practically drown a few times, but I just did it and, um, I just kind of kept at it and kept at it and my path to here, like in terms of nursing, I took a longer path. I did the LPN to associate RN to bachelor's, to DNP and that's a long route. I mean, most people would be like I'm just gonna do a straight enter BSN program, do that four years and go on with my life and then maybe do the DNP.

Speaker 2:

But I would so most of my daughter's life.

Whitney:

I've been in school in one form or another, and I've told her I'm not going back until she's done with high school. So she starts ninth grade this year, but I already got thinking about going back on that. So I'm like I'm going to give it a year or two and then see what she thinks. There's just some sort of patience and stuff that I want to do, nothing as big as this, but I mean that's kind of it in a nutshell, but yeah, I mean, you know, before I lost Clayton, I'd already lost my dad, and then lost my mom.

Whitney:

And in 2018 is actually when I graduated from an RN program and a week before I was supposed to sit for boards, my brother unexpectedly died, so I pushed boards back a week. I mean just a week well, I mean I don't know I. Well, I mean, I don't know I. Yeah, I kind of actually felt like I was like, oh, I should just keep my normal day. He'd be disappointed in me for just not doing it, for like pulling off because of him.

Speaker 2:

Cause I didn't really feel right.

Whitney:

I was like no, I need to do the stuff. But you know if you're not all about um, but I mean like. I. I said it wasn't just a straight path, it wasn't like I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, and I just stayed right on that path the whole time. At one point after I finished my associates program, I was thinking do I really need to get a bachelor's in nursing? I don't know.

Whitney:

I don't know if I want to be a nurse practitioner anymore, really like public health, thought about going back to get maybe a master's in public health, but out of nursing school, I got a job working for the University of Tulsa at their student health center, and that's literally the only reason why I went on to get a bachelor's, because, um, it was more or less free. I mean, like there was, because it was full-time, like I had to pay for a few hours every semester but I still, you know, it was still really cheap relatively speaking. So then I had the bachelor's.

Speaker 2:

I'm like all right, cool.

Whitney:

Well, I got that, now I'm good. And then COVID hit and just ruined my job. Like I love that job more than anything in the world and it just kind of ruined it. And it ruined like, um, my boss there we had talked about, I mean kind of my thought, of doing like the master's in public health.

Whitney:

We, we were trying to do more outreach on the campus. I was actually doing some like STI training or training, but like just kind of presentations and stuff, and we wanted to expand that and kind of do a little bit more. And she was totally on board with it. But COVID changed the structuring of it and it just became very obvious and like that's not, that change is not gonna happen, um, and so I thought what can I do? I was like well, tu does have the D&D program and I know the instructors there.

Whitney:

I'll apply and see what happens. And well, they let me. And I'm still like I mean um. So right now, all of us are either studying for boards or taking boards. Half of my class is taking boards and one of them has an interview on Monday. She's like I have horrible imposter syndrome. I'm like, uh, I'm not even convinced I can pass boards. So, yeah, like um, oh, yeah, I've got horrible imposter syndrome and I, I hate that anybody. I work with knows that I've gone through this because one of the guys I work with.

Whitney:

He's like hey.

Speaker 2:

Dr Whitney.

Whitney:

And I'm like and he said it in front of a patient and I'm like, please don't do that. Um, but I'm finding more and more of the nurses that have cause.

Whitney:

I I work in mental health and I've only been working in mental health specifically for not even quite a year, yet there are definitely nurses that are more seasoned in it. Um, some nurses have worked there longer than I have, although there are, in general, um newer nurses, but they're stressing. Do you think it's okay if I do this and this? Do you think I'm like, don't make me a doll in the room yet. I'm not even licensed yet.

Whitney:

Don't do it, but yeah, so I don't know that's uh, I mean that, I guess, is kind of quick and short of that um you know, I did do things like because, um, the bsn program was practically free, mostly free, low cost, whatever I did decide and you know at the time. I told a couple people and it was very controversial decision that I made.

Whitney:

But I'm like, yeah, I think I'm gonna have to do it this way, because I'm not rolling in money and I'm raising a kid, so if I ever want money to actually fit the down payment on a house, I'm going to do this. So I use my student money as my down payment. I'm like, and you know what it's worked out. Well, I bought my house in March, end of February, March of 2020. Nice, yeah, and actually ended up being better about that.

Whitney:

So I have, I've had one kind of like trick in my bag that a lot of people do not have, and that is I have a very supportive mother-in-law and, um, I think that's sometimes weird to people that I still call and refer to as mother-in-law Like they're confused, but I'm like what she is is like she's my mother figure right now, and she's been very supportive, but at the time she was able to pay cash for the house, and this is where that became, I mean, like I could have just bought the house and whatever, but this is where that came in really handy, because the market was starting to competitive.

Whitney:

Rates weren't going down yet, though, but it was getting competitive. She's like how about this? How about I buy the house for cash just to make it a better deal for the seller, and then you can pay me back? Cool, great, awesome, did that? I think I had to wait like 90 days or something for that to work.

Whitney:

Um, so then, but in that time, right, so, so, so, so you know yeah, that's like I mean I love I have like stuff like that Definitely, um, but yeah, that's the thing is I'm like I don't know, I I just I don't know, I just I don't see myself as being that unique or stronger. I'm just like I just work with what I have. Like I just I mean there were times that I would work the system Like I mean I got survivor benefits and I went into, I kind of did, I did the math and realized I can go back to working full-time but if I do, that I lose some of those benefits.

Whitney:

When I compared the two I realized if I actually worked less and kept those benefits, I would have more money coming in monthly and because it would help with I would have more help for Eliza's insurance, for daycare, all of those things and I was like and that actually put me in a position where I could say I can go back to school and I can do this. So I did look I mean the circumstances and stuff.

Speaker 2:

But I was like well, if this is what I'm given this is what I'm going to work with.

Whitney:

And so in that sense I worked the system knowing that at the end of the day, like it would come back to me tenfold, and I feel like it has come back tenfold plus stuff. So like I don't, I don't have much name in my game from that front and like I gladly you know, used all the support that I could get for that. So those that was me, I mean I really don't think I'm anything special.

Sarah:

Well, and I get that, Um, but I hope that you know that people that know you view you as a phenomenal inspiration, I mean I. I mean I know that I live, you know, 12 hours away, but like I've watched. You know, I watched your story, um, you know, cause, obviously, you know, once you like graduate college and everyone starts, you know, going their own way, like it's hard to like stay as close as, like we were in high school. But, um, you know, I always watched your story. I remember when I, you know, found out that Clayton had passed and I just sat in my house and sobbed uncontrollably. I did.

Sarah:

Um, and I just hugged my daughter and I was just like holy crap, like I, I don't even know, I don't know what I would do. And then I've just watched this amazing. I mean I call it kind of a comeback story because you could have just curled up in the fetal position and just said F it, I'm done and I can't do this. But instead you were like nope, okay, I'm gonna cry, as you should, and I'm certain, obviously you still have times whenever it hits you, which is fully, fully normal. Um, but I mean I, I and I know you and I know that you are just, you're such a humble person, but you are such an inspiration, which is why I really wanted you to be on this, because I mean, I just just watching you has always been such an inspiration to me. Um, so yeah, and I mean that you know like from the bottom of my heart um, so yeah, and I mean that you know, like from the bottom of my heart.

Whitney:

Um, I did try to do so. Uh, a friend of mine, she has this interesting house like I. I'm not even 100 sure how she came to own it.

Whitney:

She was in real estate anyway it's a house, but it's zoned very oddly so it's also zoned to be like a fraternity and sorority house and then something else, which basically means it's a residential house but she can do anything in it and so she's kind of she's a local artist and so her studio is in the garage apartment, but then she uses the main house for different things, and one of them is this weekly wednesday morning yoga class and it's a it's a private thing. I mean like people invite people to join it all the time, but I mean it's more or less kept as a private class and, um, love it. I mean, yeah, I have not over the last. I went last summer for several weeks and then I just kind of go intermittently here and there. Um, but it literally was everything I hate in life like it was. I don't like classes where it's like I'm a burn, just stare into their eyes Like or get close and go hug everybody, I'm like no.

Whitney:

I'm good, but there was something about this class and the first time I went it was one of those where, like and it doesn't happen at every- class, but particular class.

Whitney:

That was like the one thing. That was like I don't know. I was sitting there staring even for like okay, uh-huh, and like share things with you and I don't even know you like this feels very weird. Um, that would be what I normally said, but for whatever reason, in that moment I absolutely loved it. I can't remember the total theme of that class, but basically we were supposed to be telling ourselves that whatever, that negative thought we've been telling ourselves, tell ourselves the opposite of that, and so we were doing that.

Whitney:

And the other part, probably my favorite part of the class the yoga is one thing and the yoga instructor, like she's a next-level instructor, like she's the instructor in like the meditative yoga, like that I look for and there's just something so spiritual about her and her approach. And so the class itself is amazing. There's so many things I've taken out of her classes that I use in my everyday life. Like the stress of the last year and a half. I would not have been able to get through without some of those lessons. But the thing that day was um, after every class, like it's like a two hour thing, so first hour is yoga and then the second hour. It's kind of socializing time. But then we kind of come back together in a circle and you know she may um a lot of times she'll have like tarot cards and she'll have everybody pull a card.

Whitney:

Um and actually after that I bought tarot cards and everyone's just pull with intention, and so she was wanting us to go around and say like a word or something that we wouldn't normally say about ourselves, and that was the first time I said I'm a badass. And so ever since then, I say that like I do. I try and tell myself that on a regular basis, and it's definitely it's kicking in more than it was. I'm still not going to.

Whitney:

Oh no, you're a badass I still, I'm still like I just I mean, I just I hear that a lot, not necessarily specifically the badass, but just like you're amazing, you can't done all this. I'm like I just think I just had to. Yeah, I'm like you just haven't been in that position, it's fine. Um, I will say, though, the one thing that I've been uh I mean I've for the most part I've been single for 13 years.

Whitney:

I mean I've been on dates here and there and talk to people here and there, but definitely nothing serious. Um, and then there've been times I'm like, oh, we hate being single, but man, I'm sure do like being able to do my own thing more than I hate being single. I like being able to make these decisions for myself and my daughter in our life. And, um, just, I already knew I wanted to do something else. Um, I kind of put some career stuff on hold. When I met Clayton early, just choosing to be in that relationship and get married, there were things that I just was like I'm going to let that career goal go and I'm okay with that and that's totally fine, and I do that a million times over but because I had already done that once, even for love, and I don't regret it.

Whitney:

I just had this thought. I'm like I'm not doing that again. I know I need to. I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm putting anything about my goals on hold again. I mean, you know, if you find somebody, you find somebody and you're willing to make those compromises and that's fine and great, but I just like, I just don't even and I don't want to put myself in that position.

Sarah:

Um, I always say you should never settle on a house or a spouse, cause those are the two like biggest things, um, and so I believe that if you would have met another person, clearly no one's ever, ever going to take Clayton's place. But, if you found someone with a connection like, similar to what you had with him, I think it might be a different story but I love that you're not settling yeah, I mean a thousand percent.

Whitney:

And, um, clay knew what my end goal was, and so I'm like what are the chances that I'm really going to meet somebody that is going to be on board? Like, so I'm here, but I'm going to end up all the way down here. It's going to take some time and it's going to take some finances and resources. That would be like, yeah, that's cool. So it was just like, yeah, they're out there, I'm sure, but I was just like it wasn't.

Whitney:

I'd rather bet on myself than gamble on somebody else and then working out the way I think they're going to work out somebody else and then working out the way I think they're going to work out.

Whitney:

So you know, and I I've had several friends lose spouses over the years. So I mean, a couple of them have gotten remarried. Some it's worked out, for some it hasn't worked out, for Some are still just trying to figure out life, know and, and everybody's on their own journey. But sometimes I think, man, I'm just glad. I'm glad that for myself I didn't wasn't looking, you know, right away. I just I think, um, my daughter would have liked it, because she was like I, she knew early, really really I was like once I hit 40, there's no new babies coming.

Whitney:

I was like I don't even care, I'll have.

Speaker 2:

I mean like if Clayton had lived we might have had a second one, because he would have wanted a second one, but honestly I was fine with one and so that was for all of me.

Whitney:

She's like I just want a sibling. Oh, I'm like you'll be fine. Yeah, I had siblings. They're overrated. Yeah, I mean, of course she sees me and my sister now but I'm like, look, do you want to know what it was like living with a sibling? Like it's rough. Oh yeah, yeah, but um yeah.

Whitney:

So I mean, that's the only thing that kind of bumps me out about that is that she, I mean, and I could still meet some with the kid, but it's not really prerequisite of mine, and I'm okay, whatever, um, I think she'll still love to be happy yeah, you know even never having a sibling, so that that's not a thing for me, but I love that unless you probably miss out on um, but otherwise I'm like. I rather enjoyed our life together it hasn't always, it definitely hasn't always been easy.

Whitney:

Finances, I mean like choosing to take these things on like you're also choosing to not go on like really nice vacations or you know, do a lot of things. But, um, I feel like I've kind of kept it. I'm trying to do my best to balance it and anytime I've made a decision, it's always been, she's always been at the forefront. She always had to be the priority. So just if I kept her the priority and I could see how it could be done still keeping her the priority, then I can make it happen.

Sarah:

Yeah, I love that. I love that. Well, and I like too that you, you know, have incorporated um self-care. You know, by going to this yoga, stepping outside of your comfort zone, um, you know, like leaning into the feelings, like if you're really, you know, just like in the feelings, like you're crying it out and you're, you know, you're letting yourself, which is all very, very healthy, um, and so I think, you know, even just you being, you know, open to sharing this story, I think, is very helpful and very therapeutic. Um, you know, if you had any, like any, piece of advice, um, that you would give someone that maybe is going through something similar, maybe their you know, their spouse is sick, um, or they just passed, like, what do you like? What piece of advice do you wish someone had told you? Or what piece of advice would you give someone? Oh gosh, I know I put you on the spot.

Whitney:

I know, I was like I don't know if I knew anything. I just I just did um, you know, you're the biggest, you're gonna make it. You know, um, my friend with als, or her husband with als, um they have an rv and I guess they just took it out and she's like the last trip and I was like it's never the last trip, it's really not. Even when they're gone, they always present themselves in weird ways. I actually, over the years there's a couple people in particular that have well, anytime somebody has something going on. They have a dream about what they tell me.

Speaker 2:

But there's a couple people that they were like uh, I mean like you have to kind of believe in this and I you know I go with it and I kind of believe it too, but um, kind of feel like they would come to him to send messages to me.

Whitney:

that's's actually happened a couple of times and it made sense when they told me what he was saying. So I mean they present themselves in different ways. Clayton's thing was he was hysterical. He was by far one of the funniest people I've ever known, and so funny thing that that there's a funny thing and a very sweet thing. But it almost broke me actually when I found it, but um, the funny thing was on our anniversary our first anniversary after he died he was cremated.

Whitney:

Um, clayton did the smoke pot and he had a dugout and I just I wanted to take some ashes to the place where we were married and I didn't have anything to like I don't take all of them so I used one of his dugouts I'm like that's enough. Like, because I was like what stuff do I have appropriate to carry this in. And so I took him, I took his dugout and my friends were great. We went and did brunch, we hung out at a restaurant on the river and we were just enjoying the day and one of his best friends came and met us and we walked down. We got near an hour, well, and we walked down there and we scattered the ashes and had a good cry and you know, went on about our day. Uh, I, I remember I had to go home for something, but uh, there was a show going on at Canes that night that we decided we wanted to go to.

Whitney:

So I go home, get ready, grab my purse, go and they're doing the security check and I just freeze. I'm like, oh shit, the dead bottle's still in there and they're like we're gonna have to take this.

Whitney:

I'm like no, no, you can't take it and they're like we have to like no, you don't understand, my dead husband was in there. And they're like the security guy's like looking at it, like putting his hands in it, looking at the ashes, and I'm like, yeah, I'm not lying. They're like here you go and just handed it. But now the story is, yes, they got confiscated at cane and one of the stories like I should just let him have it like, like that would be fun, to just let him like stay at Kane and see what happens yeah.

Whitney:

I'm like, I mean just random stuff, like that happens. But let's see, I think it was actually on Valentine's Day, maybe the day before.

Speaker 2:

I feel like it was on.

Whitney:

Valentine's Day, I was looking for a business card that would have been in his wallet.

Speaker 2:

I remember it was for the active interest he was going to.

Whitney:

I wanted to go, and so I was looking through his wallet and I'm looking through and there's a fold-up paper in there and I pull it out and those are wedding vows. He had held them in his wallet that whole time.

Whitney:

I was like ah, and just lost it, but they're always appearing Like the story doesn't end there, and that was, I mean that was. The nice thing too is because he said it actually at a moment of irritation with his mom, who was also widowed, and it involved somebody that she was seen and he. He didn't feel like she was being the most forthright about the relationship, like they were friends, but she was like feels like there's something else going on. But he just got really irritated about the situation. He was just like, when I'm done, you better get me married. But he meant it. I mean he really did, and so, um, that was, that was a nice gift that he also gave me.

Whitney:

Like anything about me moving on was never about like feeling oh, am I betraying them, or it was never about, uh, not feeling okay moving on. I've've actually always I actually pretty quickly felt okay with the idea of moving on, and I think I did so quickly because he was okay with it. Like he may have been mad when I said it, but I mean he kind of said it other times too. So I was just like, I mean he meant it. So it was kind of like having permission in a way. But yeah, I mean just remember that they're always there.

Whitney:

Um, I did have a friend pass away a couple of years ago from cancer, but prior to that he had been dealing with it for several years. And, um, he did tell me he didn't worry about his, his wife and his daughters because he had seen me go through it. So he's like I know they'll be okay.

Whitney:

And I and actually I didn't really know his- wife, but I reached out to her and told her that he said that she, she knew who I was and, um, I was like I don't really think it's as much a a check mark on me or like a you know a positive on me as much as like I think there's more of a way to get you, then you can definitely do it.

Whitney:

You know, um, but yeah, I mean, life goes on and you have to keep living, so I just I feel like I would be letting him down if I did anything else than that. Keep moving on, yeah, yeah, that's about the way my I mean. You know, it's not the end, it's really not, it's just. It's just another chapter yeah, I love it.

Sarah:

Well, I really appreciate you like sharing all of that with us and, you know, just being so open about it and, um, I, I mean I, even though you and I went to high school together and you know, just like you, like I, I, you know, didn't know him at all, but I can assure you he is looking down and he is smiling at you and he is so freaking proud of you. I know he is. So, yes, yes, well, thank you so much, and I, I know that you know people that are listening are, you know they're they, they were there with you and they felt it and you know, I think that you know you're just continuing to be an inspiration. So, thank you so much. Oh, can I actually say one more thing? Of course, you can.

Whitney:

This is actually not for any spouse, anybody going through it, but for anybody who has a friend going through it. I think the greatest thing I was told and the person it came from. They were friends that I knew from Clayton and they said this and they've always stuck to it. But I always try to tell it myself because I'm like people need to know that when the time comes and somebody loses a loved one if you care about them at all, just let them know that you're there with a quiet citizen, because that is the worst part.

Whitney:

So just that's my only thing for every, for the rest of people, it's just that's the worst part. It's not the actual death or that week of where everybody's like yeah, everyone's there and bringing you the food and it's afterwards. It's that quiet so just yeah, if you're, if you're listening and friends dealing with this, just remember to be there for them in the quiet and let them know that you are there yeah, I love that.

Sarah:

I love that. No, I love that. I think that's such great advice because you know, even if someone can't relate to what you've gone through, we all, sadly know someone that has gone through it and you know and I think that's such great advice too Like how can we be better friends and better people for the people that are going through that?

Whitney:

So there's, there's a lot of people. I feel like that kind of trail off out of fear and not knowing what to do. I'm just like don't be afraid.

Sarah:

Yeah, just reach out and just say hi, yeah, I love it. Well, thank you and um, thank you everyone for listening. Um, please make sure that you uh leave a review because, um, I truly believe that um feedback is a gift and uh, it allows me to you know, kind of know, if, um you know what you heard resonated with you, or if there's something else that you, you know really want um to be talked about. Um definitely share this podcast with someone that you think um could use it. Uh, that is the greatest compliment that you can give me is um just sharing that um and then subscribe so that you never miss an episode. So, thanks so much, and we'll see you next time on thrive and.