Thrive & Decide Guide to Divorce and Beyond

Finding Peace and Purpose Post-Divorce

• Sarah Thress • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Could the end of a marriage be the beginning of a brighter chapter? Join us on "Thrive and Decide" as we sit down with Louise, a courageous woman who shares her poignant journey through marriage and divorce, offering insights that might just change the way you view relationships. Louise opens up about her decade-long relationship with Tom, her ex-husband, and how a public proposal pressured her into a marriage marked with red flags. Despite initial reservations, she found herself in a relationship that slowly eroded, culminating in the discovery of an online affair that forced her to confront painful truths.

Navigating a divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster, especially when mutual friendships are involved, but Louise chose to prioritize a fresh start over resentment. Throughout our conversation, she reflects on the tangled web of emotions she faced: from embarrassment and guilt to the relief and acceptance that came with the end of her marriage. With grace and dignity, Louise recounts the importance of maintaining mutual respect, even sharing a bittersweet final meal with Tom that marked a significant transition.

As our discussion deepens, Louise reveals how embracing self-awareness and personal growth became her guiding light in moving forward. She shares her journey of healing through therapy, self-care, and the empowering influence of voices like Brene Brown. Louise’s resilience shines through as she discusses the importance of feeling every emotion, reframing past experiences, and ultimately finding gratitude for the lessons learned. Her story is a testament to the strength found in vulnerability and the power of emerging stronger after adversity.

Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. I’m your host Sarah Thress. This podcast is intended to help women who are going through a divorce, continplating divorce or have lost a spouse feel seen, heard, understood and not alone. All the beautiful souls who share on here are coming from a place of vulnerability and a common belief that sharing your story will help others. You will also hear from industry experts on what to do and not do while going through a divorce.


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Sarah:

Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. Today we have Louise with us and she is going to be sharing her story about her divorce. You know, obviously, when she, you know, got married, she didn't expect to get divorced. Just like everyone that's listening, no one ever. Well, I don't know. Maybe some people do, but most people do not. So, when I sat down and talked with Louise, she was sharing her story and, while it is very unique to her, I know that there are other people out there that have dealt with this or are dealing with this, and so I just, you know, I asked her if she'd be willing to share it. So, louise, thank you so much for taking the time to. You know, come and share this story. I know it's never easy to talk about sad things and horrible things that happened in our life. So, um, you know, I just appreciate you doing that. So, thank you.

Louise:

Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having me. Um, so talking about my divorce wasn't something that I always thought I would be super excited to talk about, but here we are. So, um, where do I? Um, where do I? Um? Let's see, I was with my ex Tom for about 10 years, um, before we got married. Um, we were together for four years, then we were engaged for six and finally decided it was time to pull the trigger and get married. So we did Not really sure why, but we did.

Sarah:

Isn't that one of those things that, like at the time, you feel like, oh my gosh, this is my soulmate and this is forever. And then when you look back on it, you're like wait what? Yeah?

Louise:

So funny that you say that, because yes and no is forever. And then when you look back on it you're like wait what Like?

Sarah:

what yeah so?

Louise:

funny that you say that, because yes and no, yeah, um, part of me knew I wasn't ready and knew I was kind of ambushed when he proposed to begin with. So, um, it was in front of his entire family, oh and um, how were you going to say no? Right, exactly that was my. That's my thoughts, like, how do you even say no to someone when they're in front of your entire family or their entire family? Right, um, and we were. We were so close and, yes, we were in love-ish, I guess.

Sarah:

Yeah.

Louise:

Um, but we got engaged. We were engaged for six years. Wow, I wasn't ready, he wasn't ready, we just weren't ready. Um, we finally decided, okay, let's do this, planned the wedding. It was like a joke of a wedding, if I know, I'm honest. Um, it was beautiful, but he was outside getting high the whole time with his friends smoking weed and it was just a party for him, it was an excuse for a party for him yeah where I was.

Louise:

Like the dj would be like come and get me, like hey, where, where is he? Like we need to do this, let's cut the cake, let's make the toast, let's do this, let's do this. And we had to go send a search party out for him every single time so that was frustrating. Um so right then, and there I kind of knew, and should have known like, what am I doing?

Louise:

um, and, to be completely honest, I just think that deep down, I knew that there were so many red flags between us. It probably wasn't the best idea, and had somebody on my wedding day asked me are you sure this is what you want? Chances are we probably wouldn't have got married. Yeah, so anyways, um, fast forward 10 years. We got married and, like I said, it was just a shit show. If I may say, yeah, absolutely you can say that we went through with it. We got married. The marriage was, um, okay At first, lasted a whole three and a half years.

Sarah:

Wow, so you guys dated much longer than you were married Wow.

Louise:

Um, so that's another thing, like with our dating history and everything. It was just like when he had a job. If he had a job, he would work nights usually and I would work days. So we didn't really spend time together. When we did spend time together, it was with other people, always Like we would be hanging out with our friends or our friends would be at our house or something always.

Louise:

Yeah, it was like, and we had dogs and it was. It was just it was stressful. I was picking up. I felt like a parent picking up after their kid constantly and their friends. So that was stressful. It was hard. I still cared about him. He was a great guy, but I realized I loved him more like a roommate than a husband at some point. You know the kind of roommate who eats all your snacks and never picks up after themselves. That type of roommate.

Sarah:

Those are the best yeah it was great, yeah, they don't pay for anything and they eat all your stuff, so great.

Louise:

It was wonderful. And then I finally just came to a breaking point. Um, I found out one night that he was having an online affair. Um, that he was having an online affair. Ugh, it hit hard. It hit hard, but even though I knew that we weren't exactly in love anymore, it still kind of felt like I don't know, like a deep betrayal. Yeah, to me it was like losing your best friend, but also knowing that maybe you two shouldn't have been best friends to begin with, if that makes any sense. So, in a typical I'm about to end this fashion, I took the laptop where I had found all of his dirty little secrets, as I like to call them.

Louise:

Yeah, and I went to our local library because we didn't have a printer in the house and printed everything out, all the emails and everything that I had discovered from his little online relationship.

Sarah:

So I went and printed everything without even confronting him, which blows me away. Yeah, I don't know how you had that much composure that you just thought like, okay, I'm going to, just I'm going to email all this stuff to me so that I have, you know, all of the evidence and the proof and all of that, but I'm not going to confront them.

Louise:

Well, I honestly have no idea either. No idea. So, um, I did all of that vindictively also. So I did all of that vindictively also, I think, because I printed everything. And then I called his mom. Wow, I said, hey, we have something that we'd like to talk to you about. Can you come over after work? And she was like, oh, yeah, sure, you know, blah, blah, whatever, happy-go-luckyucky, she comes over and we're sitting in the living room. And I said, well, I invited you over here because I wanted to tell you, in front of Tom, that when we get divorced, this is why and I handed her the folder with all the emails, turned the laptop around so that he could see what it was that I was looking at, and handed him paperwork to file for a divorce. Wow.

Sarah:

Wow, like that to me is like an epic movie moment. Like for you like to. To me that's super badass because you like not only like called him out on his shit, made sure his mom knew so he wasn't you know, spending whatever like story he might want to spend, exactly because that's what you know guys, do he still tried? Yeah, well, of course and then like, and you handed him papers, it's's awesome.

Louise:

Yeah.

Sarah:

Like you're my hero.

Louise:

So thanks. So that happened and that's when the tears started. I started shaking. He was shaking and crying and his mom was crying and it was like a big I don't know. I don't even know, but part of me felt a little bit of relief and finding it, I think, and I think maybe that's what gave me the strength to like really look at what, like look at, pay attention to what I was looking at, before I reacted yeah, um, I think that the relief part of it was bigger to me than the actual divorce, which I know sounds terrible.

Sarah:

No, I don't think so. I think that sometimes we get to a point, whether it has come to the surface or not, maybe it's just like you know, subconsciously, you're you know that it's it's not working, but you don't want to admit that it's not working because you know nobody wants to admit that their marriage is is failing or whatever, and you know so I. I can imagine that on some level it was like thank God, like now I can actually like have an out and have a reason, instead of people just being like wait what? Like you guys were together so long and you don't feel like you gave up because you didn't do it A lot of that.

Louise:

So I didn't tell anybody about the cheating, the online relationship part. I didn't tell anybody about that. Our friends would be like, oh, you guys can work through this, you can get through everything. Like la, la, la wanted to give us all their marriage advice and counseling, yeah, all the things. And I was. I was just, I kind of got really hard at that point, um, not even just for myself, but um, to everybody. Yeah, I finally was fed up enough where I told my friends, even my best friend. I told her, like listen, you didn't live in my house, you don't know my situation, you don't know why we're getting divorced. Like you don't know the whole story. Nobody does. That's between the two of us. It's not anybody else's business or anybody else's story to tell, it's ours. Yeah, and I didn't want to, I didn't want to ruin him by saying, oh, he's a cheater, liar cheater, whatever you know, I didn't want to do that. Um, I just wanted my fresh start and we have the same friends, we run in the same circles.

Louise:

So, and after being together for that long, it's it's hard to figure out how to do every day without that person yeah and even, even when you can't stand them and you don't want to see that person hurt, because you care about that person, no matter what the situation is, and that's why some people have such nasty, terrible divorces, and I definitely didn't want that. I was already embarrassed that I was getting a divorce. I was embarrassed that I had let it go on as long as.

Sarah:

I did.

Louise:

I was embarrassed that I had let it go on as long as I did. I was embarrassed that he cheated, yeah, so I obviously didn't want anyone to know that. Um, and I also felt a little bit guilty, like it was kind of my fault that he cheated. I mean, like I said, we were living more like roommates and friends than lovers or a husband and wife. So, yeah, he had to fix his needs somewhere and it wasn't a physical relationship that he was having, but it was an emotional one and it had been going on for a very long time. Wow. So, um, me finding out about it was probably a blessing for us both. Um, I still see him to this day. It's not. It's not like we didn't used to talk when we would run into each other. We would avoid each other, like yeah, like the plague yeah absolutely.

Louise:

We would avoid each other like nobody's business. And now when we run into each other, we can be casual and like hey, what's up, how are you? You know, short and sweet, move on with it. And our actual divorce day I didn't want it to be messy, he didn't want it to be messy, nobody did. He didn't want it to be messy, nobody did. So we had talked we hadn't really talked much leading up to the actual day of the divorce.

Louise:

When we went into court, the judge, right before he granted us the divorce, he looked at me and said Are you absolutely sure this is what you want and nobody's forcing you to do this? And I immediately started trembling and was like yes. And then he looked at Tom and asked is this 100% what you want and nobody's forcing you to do this? And he almost couldn't say yes, he was. He started crying and shaking and he looked over at me and I gave him like a little nod and he said yes. And so then the judge was real confused and was like are you sure that this is what you want Of?

Sarah:

course Are you?

Louise:

100% sure that this is what you want. And we said yes, and he said okay, and he granted us our divorce. And then, as we were getting ready to walk out of the courtroom, we were both at the edge of the. He was on his side and I was on my side and we were walking out to get up to go towards the door, and we were both at the edge of the, the key was on his side and I was on my side. We were walking out, um to get up to go towards the door, and we were both like face to face and we just hugged, oh, and then he asked me if I had eaten anything today and I told him no and he said he hadn't either and asked me to breakfast, and so we went and had breakfast together.

Louise:

it was awkward, but nice yeah it was like a okay, this is it. You know. It was finally like this is the last time that we're gonna have a meal together yeah um, so we did that, and then we went on our ways wow yeah, pretty crazy yeah, wow that's.

Sarah:

I mean I do like it, though I love the ending. You know, even though there was all of this like turmoil and all of this, you know clearly sadness and clearly you know you both cared about each other because you could have been way more vindictive. I mean, I've heard several stories and my job is not to judge anybody, nor would I ever judge anybody. Everyone has to do what is right for them or what they feel is right for them in that moment. But I love that you at least knew enough to know, like, hey, we run in the same circles, we have a lot of the same friends. Um, I don't want to completely out him for his mistake, because it was a mistake, but ultimately it ended up getting you both to a different spot where you're both probably much happier well, and I don't blame him honestly.

Louise:

I don't blame him for he needed to feel that, he needed to feel loved from somebody, and even though it wasn't a physical relationship, it was an emotional one, and he needed that emotional support from someone and I was not giving it yeah and I. I don't think I was even capable of giving it. If I'm being honest, it was, I don't know. I felt more like a parent to him than a spouse.

Sarah:

Yeah.

Louise:

So that, I think, was that's why I think it was a little bit of a relief for me and I was able to handle it the way that I handled it and not like be pissed.

Sarah:

Yeah, yell and scream and throw at all your business over social media, I mean, I still don't like him. Yeah, but I don't hate him.

Louise:

I don't wish him any harm or anything like that, I just don't like him yeah.

Sarah:

He just wasn't your person.

Louise:

Yeah, not my person and now I'm happier than I've ever been. Yeah, and I hope that he is. I hope that he is too, because you know, it changes a person when you're happy.

Sarah:

Yeah, yeah, it really does, it doesn't. I, my situation was a little bit different, like there was no, you know, cheating involved, but you know, at the end, like we were able to, you know, kind of walk out of the courthouse and be like, you know, you good, yep, you're good, okay, cool, like you know. And and we were able to do everything like just, you know, for our daughter and we never, um, you know, we never posted about it on social media. In fact, I've run into people recently it's been over a decade since he and I like separated, divorced, all that stuff and I still will run into people that knew us, you know, from our first job where we met, and they're like, oh my gosh, like you know how's Kevin doing? And I'm like, ah, I mean, he's good, he and his wife are great, and they're like, wait, what?

Sarah:

So? Um, so, anyways, I just say that I commend you for taking the high road, because I think that I think more people should explore that high road. I'm not saying it's for everybody, not every. Every situation is unique. Everything is different.

Louise:

And I definitely think that our situation was very unique because For sure, and you know as much as I hate to say this, and I've never, probably ever said this out loud I probably had an emotional affair also because, but not the same way, like I wasn't telling anyone that I loved them, or like telling them that they I hated him or anything that he was doing wrong or anything like that.

Louise:

but I had my group of friends who made me always feel good, like my friends always were very supportive and I could vent to them about everything all the time where he didn't, he did that facade where everything was perfect for us all the time.

Sarah:

So I think that that was very different too.

Louise:

Um, yeah, so wow, yeah, so Wow.

Sarah:

Now, you had mentioned that everyone gave you advice. You know, or was like in your business, and I think that that's something that most of us you know. It doesn't matter, like if you're going through a divorce or you're pregnant or whatever. People want to tell you their horror stories or they want to tell you the advice they think is the right thing to say to you. Looking back on that, like what would you, what do you wish that maybe someone would have told you? Like, what helpful advice do you think you could have gotten? Or what helpful advice would you give someone if they came to you and told you the same story that you're telling?

Louise:

So I think that what I wish that somebody would have said to me is it's okay. Yeah, I wish that somebody would have said you know you are the only person that is in control of your life, and if you are letting other people control your life, you're never going to truly find your happy spot. You're never going to be happy with yourself or with anybody else for that matter, yeah, or be able to make yourself or anybody else happy, because when you're truly not happy, what are you? Yeah, you're a shell of a human, and so it's okay to feel broken. It's okay to feel unloved or selfish, even, yeah, like feeling selfish is 100% okay, and I feel like you have to be selfish in a relationship. You have to. Um, my current partner and I are both selfish and we work that because of that, like we are very, very sweet and kind and would do anything in the world for each other, but put ourselves first, because you have to.

Sarah:

Yeah, and.

Louise:

I wish that somebody would have told me that. I wish that someone would have told me that it's okay to feel like that. Yeah, um, but they didn't. Everyone was wanting to fix my problem. Sometimes you don't need anyone to fix your problem, you only need to listen to you.

Sarah:

Yeah, I think that's such great advice and I totally agree with you, cause I think that you know, while some people they have, they have good intentions and they feel like they're telling you great things, them passing judgment or telling you how you should do, it is never what someone needs to hear.

Louise:

Exactly, exactly, and it's not anybody's business.

Sarah:

Yeah.

Louise:

And that's the thing. So for Tom and I, for our relationship, it was um. A lot of my decision was it wasn't anybody's business what we were going through or why we were getting divorced or what was going on behind closed doors, because they don't live your life, you live your life. Nobody really truly knows what goes on behind closed doors. Nobody does right.

Sarah:

So your story is your story period and your story.

Louise:

You can be in a room and I I totally believe this.

Louise:

You can be in a room and I totally believe this you can be in a room with all of the same people and something insane happens and every single one of you tell the story of what happened completely different. Yes, you each have a different view on it. Have to remember in your life and with in a relationship, you and that other person are going to have different versions of how it happened. Yeah, and that's okay. That's okay. Let him have his version, let me have my version. You know? Yeah, it's, it's what it is. Yeah, it's nobody's's nobody's business. It's nobody's business, but the two of yours. Yeah, you both know what actually happened.

Sarah:

Yeah, no, I love that and I think that's so totally true because, you know, I used to call it um revisionist history, like when you know, when my ex-husband would like make comments or you know, like talk about a story or whatever, I'd be like, man, you've got some revisionist history there, like you just completely like changed it, so it's. You know, it's interesting to hear you say, like everyone has their own like perspective and I'm like, yeah, you know what, like that is so true and you know like he can believe that and that's okay.

Louise:

Yeah, absolutely, and like the way that I am telling my story today is probably completely different from how he would tell this story yeah so I mean, and I'm okay with that yeah and it is what it is. I never told anybody about the cheating. This is the first time that I've talked about it yeah, a long time actually, but um, yeah, I never. Nobody knows about the cheating because it's not anybody's business and it made me feel just as ashamed as it would have made him feel.

Louise:

For sure, and it would have made people judge him differently than how they do, and that I just I don't feel like that's fair to anybody because, again, I feel like I also am responsible in my divorce. Yeah, because of both of us, it wasn't just one of us. Yeah.

Sarah:

When I think that's such a a very like, healthy way of looking at it, because I think, unfortunately, a lot of people in your situation would only blame him. It's all his fault. He did it all to me, you know, like very um, and that's okay. That's okay If that's how you view it. Again, not judging this is never a judgment zone. Your story is your story. But I think it's very healthy to get to that point, cause I know I used to look at my divorce way differently than I do now. You know, now I look at it from a healthy lens where I'm like, wow, there were some red flags. Wow, how did I not see that? Hey, you know what, like I didn't fuck up my kid, and you know I'm happy, he's happy.

Louise:

Everything's great. Thank God we didn't have kids.

Sarah:

Yeah, we did not have kids.

Louise:

so I did not have to deal with that. Yeah, because that would have been a whole other. We did have to fight for dog custody. Oh, I got a dog and he got a dog. Actually, I got two and he got one, yeah.

Sarah:

I love that.

Sarah:

So, yeah, I just think that's so good and I think that you know that, being selfish, I wouldn't even look at it as being selfish, I would look at it more as self-care. Yeah, absolutely Like, just you know, because I think that sometimes people hear selfish and they're like, oh, like you know, and it has a negative connotation. I know you, louise, enough to know that that is not you, like you're, you're not, you know, you're not actually like the definition of selfish. You just you are healthy to know that you, you know there are things that you need, that, like you have needs and they need to be met, and that you have self-care.

Louise:

I love that you said it that way that, like you have needs and they need to be met and then you have self-care. I love that you said it that way. Yeah, well, good Cause I always say I'm selfish.

Sarah:

Yeah, I always say I'm selfish. Yeah, I don't think you are I like the way that you say it.

Louise:

It makes it sound much better.

Sarah:

Yeah Well, just because I, sadly, being selfish has such a negative connotation, you know, I just I want to make sure that you, you know, don't absorb that that negativeness of it and you absorb the like wow, I am a healthy, thriving human who puts my needs first, because you know that you can't give from an empty cup, Like you have to be a hundred percent filled yourself. I am so guilty of that and like of depleting myself enough to make sure that everybody else is taken care of. So that is something I'm really focused on.

Louise:

So I love that you said that I've worked on that for years. I have always been that person.

Sarah:

I've always been the oh, just call Louise, she'll do it yeah.

Louise:

Type of person and I'm not anymore and I give him thanks for that.

Sarah:

Right, isn't it funny? Cause I have thanked my ex-husband more than once for leaving and he's always like you're welcome and I'm like no, like I'm legit thanking you, like I would not be where I'm at today and you wouldn't be where you're at today and we wouldn't both be as happy as we are if we'd stay together. Absolutely so, that's okay, yeah, I.

Louise:

I totally agree. He has a kid now and is super happy in his relationship. I have kids now and I'm super happy in my relationship. So, yeah, yeah, we're way better than and we're better humans.

Sarah:

Yeah.

Louise:

It definitely made us better people Like I'm a better person, I'm a better person for it. Yeah, it changed my life for the better.

Sarah:

I love that and I love that you were able to take a really shitty situation and find that silver lining and find that you know that positiveness of like, hey, you know what this happened. Yeah, that sucked, you know. And yeah, I don't want to relive that, but I now have come out stronger, better, more knowledgeable, ready to take on the future.

Louise:

It wasn't quick, it wasn't like, no, it wasn't easy for me to do that. No, um, it took a lot, a lot, a lot, um, and many years for me to be able to even, like, talk about it honestly. Yeah, Um. So for me to get to where I am today, 14 years later, right, 10 years, I don't know how many years it's been it's been a while, yeah, it's been a long time. Yeah, but for me to get to where I am today took a lot of self searching, I guess, like I had to. I had to reevaluate me and figure out what it is that makes me happy and my wants and needs, before I was able to even be in this place where I could talk about it and be honest about it's not just his fault.

Louise:

It's my fault just as much.

Sarah:

Yeah.

Louise:

Because before, I absolutely would just want to blame him. For sure, like, screw him, he's an asshole. Yeah, I absolutely would just want to blame him.

Sarah:

For sure Like screw him.

Louise:

He's an asshole, yeah, but I still kept the reasoning, or, I guess, what I like to call the reasoning, which really is not the reason. The reason that we got divorced was because we were unhappy.

Sarah:

Yeah.

Louise:

We were not supposed to be married. The cheating happened also for that same reason. Right, so I don't, I can't blame the divorce married. The cheating happened also for that same reason, right so I, I don't, I can't, I can't blame the divorce on the cheating. That's what I'm getting at. Yeah, I, I have to blame the divorce on. We were two different people that were not supposed to be together.

Sarah:

Yeah, to begin with, yeah, to get to that realization, um took a long time and I think that's such a good point to make sure that anyone listening, because if they're in the middle of this, I'm certain that they're thinking there's no way in hell I'm ever going to think like that, because I can guarantee you when I was going through mine again very different story, again very different story but when I was going through mine, if anyone would have ever told me that I was going to A talk openly about it and B like help others through it, I would have laughed in your face Like there's no freaking way, like I was so lost in that grief and why me and what's you know like.

Louise:

And the hate? Yes, the hate overtakes you. Yes, like I hated him. Yeah, I hated him, I hated him, but at the same time, I felt so much relief that I don't know, I don't know.

Louise:

I honestly, truly cannot tell you where I got the strength to do the things that I did as I was finding them, and not break that laptop over his face. Yeah, I cannot tell you why I chose the decisions that I, or chose to make the decisions that I made, but I'm glad that I did it the way that I did it, because it saved a lot of face in the end. Yeah, yeah, and now we can actually be in the same room and not want to rip each other's face off. So, yeah, took, took us a while to get there.

Sarah:

Yeah, but I love that, cause I'm sure that you did. You know therapy, um, and other self care things you know are. Are there anything that you could think of, cause I know for me the things that have helped me get to this point, cause I'm over a decade out. Um, is, you know therapy? Thank God for my therapist Dear God, she's worth her weight in gold, um, and then you know, obviously, like learning to lean into those feelings, throw yourself that damn pity party. If you wake up one day and you were so sad, cry it out throw the pity party.

Louise:

It's the same as and I don't don't take me wrong, I'm not trying to compare divorce to death right.

Louise:

But it's very similar, yeah, when you lose somebody that you've been with for that many years, and then they're part of your everyday life, and then they're just gone, yeah, it almost feels like they died. Yeah, and I know some people that are listening probably are like I wish they died, right, but you don't, you truly don't, and eventually you'll realize that you don't and that you'll be okay. Yeah, eventually you'll realize I'm okay, I'm better because of this.

Sarah:

Yeah, yeah, I read a lot of books by Brene Brown Me too. She was so helpful, yes, what was that? The one that really helped me was Daring Greatly, yes, and I loved that one. She did so amazing. And then there was also one by Arianna Huffington, and hers was so amazing. It was in becoming fearless in life, love and work, and it was so good Like. Both of those were very helpful.

Sarah:

But I found that, like reading books like that, going to therapy, making time for my friends, not being you know with with my daughter, I was like a hundred percent all about her.

Sarah:

My whole life revolved around her and I can say one of the things that I thank my ex-husband for is that he was always really big on hey, sarah, like you should go and have a life outside of Addison, because you know, like at some point Addison's going to, like you know she's going to graduate and grow up and you know, move away and then what you know, like your whole life is going to crumble.

Sarah:

You know, and it doesn't model to her. You know behavior Like if you're modeling to her that you're just making your kid your entire life, like you know then she's going to do the same thing, whereas if I showed her like, hey, I've you know, I have hobbies, I have friends, I have things to do, you know, like obviously you're still my world, I still love you more than anything. But I am going to be a much better mom to you If I go and spend time with my friends, or if I go to this yoga class, or if I go do this, yeah, if I go drink some mom juice, which is what she always called my wine, you know, if I go have that, then I'm going to come back and I'm going to be a better mom. Yeah, which sounds so counterintuitive, so counterintuitive to like leave to be a good mom.

Louise:

Have you had the stuff called mom juice? They have an actual, actually called mom juice.

Sarah:

now, it is so good it's so good.

Louise:

Yeah, I love it, but the book that I loved was Rising Strong.

Sarah:

So, good.

Sarah:

I read that one when I was on vacation, because that was another thing I started doing was just like solo vacations or vacations with girlfriends, just to, you know, be able to recharge and become a better version. But I say all that to say that I think you did everything very smartly. So whether you felt that way in the moment or not, I get it, but I think that you handled it so smartly and so kindly, which you know, and so gracefully, which I think is so amazing, and you should definitely be very proud of yourself for that. And you know you've then gone on to like build this amazing life with you know, someone new and with new adventures, and you still don't have that hate built up in you, you don't have that resentment. You're like, hey, this is it, you know, and look at you like you were able to share the story. There were no tears and you know, you look at you like you were able to share the story there were no tears and you know you didn't like throw anything Right, right, true.

Sarah:

True, not that you would, louise, you're not that type of person, but I love it. I love it Well. So, um, before we go, is there any last things that, like, if someone, if you had someone call you today and they told you that they were going through something similar, what, like, what would be your, your advice to them? And you know, obviously, telling them like it's okay, it's not just you, but like you know, what advice or like steps would you tell them to take? Would you want them to do the exact thing that you did? Would you?

Louise:

recommend that, depending on their situation, I mean, you got to really focus on what's going to be best for you and again, everybody's situation is different. Their situation is not going to be the exact same as mine. They're not going to have the composure that I had, or they might have better composure than I had. I think that the advice that I would give anybody right now going through a situation that's similar to mine would be feel it absolutely. Take in every feeling, recognize every feeling and give yourself time to really feel it, because that's the only way that you're going to do what's right for you.

Sarah:

Yeah, feel that's such good advice, cause I think we, as women, tend to just shove it down Like it's okay, we don't. You know, we've got the PTA today and we've got, you know, 75 things to do at work and we've got it. You know, like get the kids everywhere. Or like, even if you don't have kids, like I've got to do all of these tasks and so it's like okay, I'm just going to shove that down here because I don't have time to deal with that.

Louise:

You're either going to shove it down or you're going to make it explode to the top, and you need to find that happy medium Because if you don't let yourself feel and really know and understand your feelings, you're going to do one of the two and it's not healthy for you or for anybody else because you have two different extremes.

Sarah:

Yeah.

Louise:

Explode or you sink, yeah, so.

Sarah:

I love that. Yeah, that's my advice. Feel such good advice, thank you. Thank you, louise, for taking time out and I know you're super busy with your new life and I love that but thank you for just being so authentic and so brave to come and share your story and I guarantee you're helping people.

Louise:

Thanks so much. I'm so thankful to be here.

Sarah:

Yes, awesome.

Louise:

I hope I do get to help somebody.

Sarah:

You will. You will Absolutely Well. Thank you so much and we'll see you next time on Thrive and Decide.