You Can’t Split Kids In Half, But You Can Find Yourself Again

The word “fair” can wreck a divorce. We open by naming that truth and then walk you through a smarter path: negotiate like a strategist, heal like a human, and design a life that actually fits. Instead of chasing 50‑50 symmetry, we focus on durable outcomes—why protecting retirement might beat grabbing home equity, how alimony intersects with assets, and when “losing a battle” secures the war. You’ll hear a clear, practical way to zoom out, weigh tradeoffs, and stop paying attorney rates for therapy work.

We also get real about co‑parenting and the grief of missed moments. That pain is normal. The pivot is reframing: your child is building memories with their other parent while you rebuild your identity. Use that window to rest, reconnect, and return more present. We share the rituals and mindset that make shared time sustainable, plus the underrated power move of picking a theme song you can blast to shift your state on demand.

On the inner work, we dig into radical acceptance and the trap of obsessing over “why.” Closure often doesn’t arrive, and that’s okay. With the right therapist—one who engages and challenges—you can replace control with clarity. We recommend tools that help: Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly for courage and vulnerability, Jen Sincero’s You Are a Badass for punchy action, and Ariana Huffington’s reflections on life, love, and work to integrate deeper change. We wrap with a nervous‑system‑first approach to big feelings: cry when you need to, scream into a pillow if that’s your lane, and watch how the highs get higher and the lows lose their pull.

If you’re navigating divorce, this conversation gives you a practical map: protect your assets, steady your emotions, and reclaim who you are becoming. Listen now, subscribe for more grounded guidance, and share this with someone who could use a lifeline today. Then tell us: what’s one boundary you’ll set this week?

Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. I’m your host Sarah Thress. This podcast is intended to help women who are going through a divorce, continplating divorce or have lost a spouse feel seen, heard, understood and not alone. All the beautiful souls who share on here are coming from a place of vulnerability and a common belief that sharing your story will help others. You will also hear from industry experts on what to do and not do while going through a divorce.

Sarah Thress
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Transcript

Welcome And Purpose

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of Thrive and Decide Guide for Divorce. I wanted to come on here and just kind of share some things that uh really kind of helped me when I was going through my divorce. Um, if this is your first time uh listening, um I went through a divorce over like 12 years ago, 13 years ago, time's flying by. Um but uh there are a lot of things that I wish that I had known uh while going through it. Uh because uh, you know, at the time I didn't really know anybody uh that was going through one. I didn't really know what I didn't know because it was a new process for me. So just kind of wanted to come on here and talk about some of the things that really helped me to get through it and to get on the other side where I could start focusing on myself, what I wanted, uh, which is a completely foreign thing to most women, uh, you know, putting themselves first. So, anyways, uh one of the the things that when someone comes to me and they're, you know, sharing their story or uh, you know, they're they're asking for advice, uh, the biggest thing that people need to remember is that nothing about divorce is fair. Nothing. There is no way to split 50-50 absolutely everything. I mean, think about it. You can't split your kids in half. Uh, you can't split every uh piece of art in your house in half. So you need to look at it from a business perspective when you're looking at like the legal aspects of it. So take all emotion out of it and just think of it as a business deal when focusing on property or the children or anything that has to do with the divorce. Take your feelings out of it. There's plenty of time for you to feel all the feelings at a later time. But when you are sitting there with your attorney, that is not the time to talk to them like they're your therapist, because you are paying per hour. And it's probably a lot more than you would be paying your therapist. So just keep that in mind. Um, you know, honestly, like I had a situation um here in Ohio, uh, you know, if you're listening and you're in a different state, uh, you may not have this same situation. But here in Ohio, we are a dower state, which means everything is uh, you know, is supposed to be split equally as best as you can when going through divorce. Uh, it also means that, you know, your spouse cannot sell property without you knowing about it, uh, or buy property without you knowing about it. So that is also really good. But, anyways, um, I had a client one time that uh was, you know, going through the divorce process and hadn't quite grasped the concept of, you know, everything is not fair. And uh so when it came time to knock out the uh, you know, when it came to the house and knocking out who gets to keep it and things like that, um, the spouse wanted to keep the house, uh, but did not want to pay out, you know, my client. My client was, you know, very adamant, like, I really want half of that house. That's not fair. You know, I I deserve half of that house. But when we looked at the entire picture, uh, you know, and I understood that this person was getting, you know, my client was getting um pension, social security, you know, things like that, uh, whenever they retired, uh, you know, the the spouse said, if you come for half the house, I'm coming for half your pension. And so I had to remind my client, you know, look at the big picture. Does it suck that you're not getting half the house? Hell yeah, it does. It fucking sucks. Nothing about divorce is awesome. So, you know, just throw that out the window. So does it suck? Yes. But in the long run, just keep in mind that you want to have your pension, you want to have your social security because you want to be able to live on your retirement. So getting half of that house right now to then give up half of your retirement didn't seem like a really good idea. So in the end, uh the client did finally decide, okay, I get it. As much as this sucks, fine, you keep the house. The other thing that I reminded my client was you want that spouse to have that house because you're getting alimony. And if for whatever reason that person loses their job or, you know, changes jobs or whatever is not able to pay that, they can sell that house. That is an asset for them. So they can sell that house to still give you the money that you are owed. So when you look at it from that perspective, you know, it does make more sense to, you know, kind of lose this battle to win the war. So uh, you know, just kind of keep that in mind. Um, you know, also keep in mind if there are children involved, unfortunately, you are gonna miss some time if you've created uh, you know, it a shared parenting plan. Now, if you're, you know, your soon-to-be ex or your ex is not a suitable parent, then you know, you don't have to worry about this. But if let's just, you know, hope and pray that you have two grown adults that just decided they didn't want to be married anymore for whatever reason, and that's okay. And you have children, just know that you're gonna be splitting time. Does that suck? Hell yeah. I fucking sucks. I I mean, I still remember the very first time that my ex-husband took my daughter or our daughter, obviously, um, on vacation and I wasn't there. And it hurt a lot. But since then, I've now learned that uh, you know, I just reframe it. So a lot of a lot about divorce is mindset. And so I would reframe it and I would be like, you know what? That does suck that I don't get to be making those memories with her, but she is making those memories with her dad, and that gives me a break. I don't have to be a mom while she's on vacation. I don't, I don't have to parent. I can, you know, do whatever I want. So I started embracing the me time aspect and focusing on me. What do I want? What do I want to do? Who am I? Because if you're if you're like me, you probably lost yourself in the marriage. And when it ended, you were like, wait a second, who am I? What do I want? Where did all those goals go to that I used to have when I was younger? And, you know, how do I get back on track? So it is nice. It also by pouring into yourself, you then are a much better parent and you're able to be more present when you do have your child. So I found that even though it sucked, I had, you know, it was a blessing in disguise because I had time to just be me and pour into myself. And then I could, you know, I could go on vacation by myself or I could go hang out with friends or I could do whatever. But either way, it made me a better parent because when my daughter came back, I was then rested and ready to, you know, be present there with her for everything. So that is one. Um, and then like I said, you know, just focusing on everything like this is a business deal when it comes to negotiation. Take out all your feelings. We'll cover what to do with those feelings here in a minute. The next thing that I recommend is get a good therapist. So I had a marriage council uh my ex-husband and I were going to, and we both didn't we didn't really love her. She was not awesome. And then we found another divorce, uh, or I'm so sorry, another um therapist to talk to. And at that point, we had realized that uh, you know, we were just going to we were getting a divorce, but we wanted to become better co-parents. And uh that therapist just sat there and let us talk, but didn't really chime in. And so for us, like that was not what we needed. We were like, why are we paying this person to uh just sit here and stare at us, have a conversation that we could have at home by ourselves. So um I was looking for a therapist for me, and I found this woman who oh my god is worth her weight in gold. I mean, this woman was so freaking patient, and uh, you know, I I mean, I still remember she had to tell me the same thing over and over and over for a year before it finally set in and it finally clicked. And, you know, the biggest thing that I could not get over was I wanted to know what happened. Why did we why did you know my ex-husband leave? Why did he want the divorce? What had I done wrong? What could I do better? How could I, you know, make it better if I ever decided to remarry again? How can I be a better person? Because, you know, I I would like to think I'm not alone in this. I think most women uh, you know, go inward, where men are like, you know, they look to blame everybody else. Um, as a general rule, again, this is not a man-hating uh podcast. But uh, you know, she had to finally just continue to remind me to radically accept that I will just never know. And that for me was very, very hard because what I learned was I am a recovering control freak. Um, so at the time I would I just wanted to control everything. I just wanted to know, well, how do I fix it? What do I what do I do? And so, you know, I finally, again, after a year of her telling me the same things, finally it clicked and radical acceptance became the the best thing that ever happened to me. And I finally was just like, okay, it is what it is. I'm never gonna know. And that's okay. I don't, I, you know, and the other thing was uh learning that what other people think and feel about me is none of my business because I used to stress, like, oh my gosh, what is he thinking? What is he telling people? What, you know, what is he telling our daughter? You know, all the things that we all do when we go into a spiral. And she was like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Keep showing up, keep being a great mom. Who cares what people think? They're not in your situation. And if they want to judge, then that's on them. It's not on you. So that is my advice to you is just learn how to kind of radically accept what happened and move on. Uh, you know, maybe you are listening and you already know, you know, maybe there was an affair, maybe there was uh, you know, lots of fighting, maybe there was domestic violence, you know, all of those things could be amazing reasons to leave. And, you know, and maybe it was nothing, maybe you just fell out of love. And that's where radical acceptance comes in because that's what happened in my marriage. He just fell out of love with me. And I will tell you, fast forward to now, I um even fast forward just I mean, a couple of years after he left, it clicked that even though I wasn't the one that asked for the divorce, it actually was one of the best things he could have ever done. Because why would I want to stay with somebody that didn't fully love me the way that I loved them? And you know, now it's very clear that he just wasn't the right one for the long haul. And that's okay. It's okay. So, again, get a very good therapist and do all the work on yourself because now's the time to focus on you. What do you want? Who do you want to be? How do you want to leave your mark on the world? How do you want a parent? You get to decide. So, as much as it sucks going through a divorce, it's also pretty fucking awesome that you get to reinvent yourself and be whatever you want on the other side. So, like I said, radical acceptance, huge. Um, the other thing that I did that I, you know, always tell my clients or anyone that's sharing their story with me is find a good theme song. Find a song that whenever you are having a really sad day or a moment during the day where you're just like, oh dear God, I cannot do this, or you know, just for whatever reason you need to pick me up. Find a theme song that's gonna do that. Mine was Roar by Katie Perry. And uh, because at the time that was that was the the song. And uh, you know, it was pretty popular back then. But it was one of those songs that when I'd hear it, I just wanted to like I'd be singing it at full blast. So I'd be in the car, I'd turn it, you know, it'd come on the radio, I'd blare it, and I would just, you know, sing at the top of my lungs and just give fist pump in the air, like, yeah, like I got this, you know. And so it was just a great way for me to kind of just remind myself, like, hey, yeah, things suck, but you got this, and you know, nothing's gonna break you. So find that theme song and make sure that you, you know, listen to it when you need to. And if you need to listen to it all day, every day for weeks, months, years, whatever, doesn't matter, do it. And to this day, when I hear that song, I still just feel that pride of getting through my divorce and it brings joy to me. You would think that it would bring sadness because it reminded me of that time, but it actually brings joy to me now. Uh, again, I'm, you know, over a decade out. So it's it's much easier for me to tell you this, but I share that with you so that if you are in, you know, your lowest time right now, you know that I, you know, that you can come out on the other side. Like I promise you, you will, and you'll be a much better version of yourself. The um other thing that totally helped me uh was, you know, some books that I read. Excuse me. Anything by Brene Brown is freaking phenomenal. Uh if you've never heard of her, please like look into her. Uh, she is freaking amazing and she talks all about vulnerability and you know, just being authentic. And her book, Daring Greatly, uh, was one of the ones that really like resonated with me, really helped me to, you know, kind of move on uh and understand, you know, uh things about myself. So I highly, highly, highly recommend Brene Brown, Daring Greatly. But like I said, anything by Brene Brown is going to be very helpful during this period. The other one that helped me was Ariana Huffington, her book called On Becoming in Life, Love, and Work. Now, I will tell you, that one took me a little while to read. Um, but I think that it took me a while because I was just, I needed different things at different stages. So it is such a good book, and it really does, you know, provide a lot of you know insight into uh just kind of becoming who you want to be in love, life, and work. And it was just, you know, it just clicked with me. It was such a good game, game changer for me. The other one that was so phenomenal, um, and I literally loved this book so much. It's called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. That one was just, it was so freeing and it was so amazing to read and just hear, you know, her viewpoints on um, you know, becoming a badass and believing in yourself. So those are things that, you know, uh definitely look for, you know, self-help books and things like that. I love to listen to audiobooks. So a lot of these um you can get even from the library for free. So, you know, it's definitely not something that, you know, you need to worry about expense-wise because, you know, obviously I know if you're listening to this, you're contemplating and or going through a divorce or have gone through one. And so finances are never awesome while going through something like that. So the biggest thing though that I really want to impart to you is this is going to be a roller coaster. This journey you're on is a roller coaster. There are going to be highs and lows. Some of your highs are going to be absolutely amazing. And some of your lows are gonna feel like they are, you know, like putting you in the grave. And that is unfortunately just part of the divorce process. It's just it is. So, my biggest piece of advice for you is on those days that you wake up and you're so sad that you can't get out of bed, don't uh don't get out of bed. If you feel like crying, cry it out. Throw yourself the biggest damn pity party you can because you have to lean in and feel all those feelings to the fullest. And when you do that, the next day, I promise you, it's so much easier to pull up your big girl panties and move on. But if you hold in all of those emotions and just kind of stuff them down like we tend to do as women, uh, you know, men do it all the time. But uh, you know, I I can't speak to them right now. Um, I'm talking to you. So if you are pushing down those feelings, I promise you, you're gonna start exploding at little things. So, you know, your kid's gonna come to you and and start crying about, you know, their peanut butter sandwich because you didn't cut the crust off correctly or whatever. And you're gonna blow up. And it's not gonna be because you're mad at them because they wanted their sandwich some, you know, cut differently. It's going to be because you have suppressed all of those emotions and they have to come out somehow. So if you're not going to feel them and cry or scream or, you know, do something uh for yourself, they're gonna come out that way. So keep that in mind. Um, you know, even if if you're not a crier, that's okay. I am. I'm a massive crier. I cry at commercials, I cry when people are crying in front of me. Um, you know, it that's just who I am, and that's okay. But if you're not a crier, scream, scream it out. Or maybe you just did your makeup and you don't want to cry, go scream. Like literally go into a closet, take a pillow, put it over your face, because you don't want like, you know, your neighbors and your kids to think that you're losing your mind. Um, but put it over your face and scream. I mean, literally take the deepest breath you possibly can, put that pillow and scream into it until you can scream no more. And I'm telling you, it's gonna reset that nervous system, it's gonna reset you, and it's gonna make you feel so much better where you can then move on with the rest of your day. So feel those feelings because I promise you, after a while, the highs get higher, the lows don't get as low, and you kind of even out. And it's you know, it's pretty amazing whenever you get to that point. I know it sounds, you know, really far away to get to the point where you know you're you're able. To talk about your divorce or, you know, your ex without having tears or without feeling any type of way. You know, it does take time. But if you continue to talk it out, feel your feelings, and lean into everything, I promise you, it gets so much better. Hopefully, all of these uh tips were helpful to you. And uh, you know, I'll try and um try and do some more uh from time to time. But uh, you know, hopefully this was helpful to you. So thank you so much, and I will see you next time on Thrive and Decide Guide to Divorce.