Choosing Happiness After A 17-Year Marriage

The quiet end of a marriage can be the hardest to name. Kelly joins us to talk about a 17-year union that eroded not with shouting, but with distance—two people living parallel lives, choosing work and routine over connection. When she asked about counseling and heard “I just want to be done,” relief met grief, and the real work began: property disputes, a gut-punch discovery about home equity, and a custody threat that ran into the reality of a teenager’s voice.

We walk through the lessons that only a drawn-out divorce can teach. The longer it drags on, the more room there is for ugliness. Fairness is a mirage; clarity is the compass. Kelly shares why putting children first means telling the truth, not hiding every disagreement, and stepping back from running interference when a parent won’t show up. Her boys made their own choices about contact, and a stepdad stepped in with a grounded promise: not a replacement, just love and steadiness.

There’s also the rupture with a faith community that chose judgment over care. Kelly expected support and found shame instead, then later became a minister who teaches a different vision: right relationships, human dignity, and love that gives life. Grief still came—traditions that didn’t fit, an extra stocking in the box—and a therapist who named her emotions as valid, not pathological. We dig into practical tools: finding a counselor who fits, practicing radical acceptance when there’s no satisfying why, and learning to communicate without empty ultimatums. The arc is messy and hopeful: feeling fully, moving steadily, and choosing happiness without apology.

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Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. I’m your host Sarah Thress. This podcast is intended to help women who are going through a divorce, continplating divorce or have lost a spouse feel seen, heard, understood and not alone. All the beautiful souls who share on here are coming from a place of vulnerability and a common belief that sharing your story will help others. You will also hear from industry experts on what to do and not do while going through a divorce.

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Transcript

Welcome And Kelly’s Backstory

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of Thrive and Decide Guide to Divorce. We are welcome, oh my goodness, I am having a hard time talking today. We are welcoming Kelly to the show today. And she is going to share our story. And uh like I've shared before, I love it whenever people are that brave and that vulnerable to come on and they'll they'll kind of share, you know, what what they went through. And hopefully this uh will, you know, help someone and resonate with somebody as they're on their journey. So Kelly, thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here. Yeah. So I mean, obviously none of us get married and go, man, this is gonna be such a cool first wedding, you know, like I love my starter marriage. Right, right, right, right. No one ever goes into it thinking that, you know, it's gonna end in divorce. Um, so I'm I'm certain you didn't. So I'd love for you just to kind of share, you know, like the story of of that uh marriage and and then the dissolution of it.

Realizing The Marriage Was Over

Counseling Refused And Mutual Relief

The Longer Divorce Problem

Custody Plans And Teen Choice

House Equity Shock And Property Disputes

Custody Threat And Court Reality

Hiding Conflict From Kids Backfires

Ending Excuses For Dad And Consequences

Faith Community Judgment And Leaving

Theology Of Healthy Relationships

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Sure, sure. Um, so my ex-husband and I were married um right after I turned 21 years old, and I was expecting a baby, which was the big reason I think we got married. Um, and we ended up having two children, and um we had been married about 17 years, and it became clear to me that we were um not living together well. We weren't arguing, um, but he was working a lot and taking every opportunity he could to work, not because we needed the money, but because being at home wasn't loads of fun. And uh I was busy with the boys, uh, doing all the sports things. And um it just was even less than, you know, I've heard people say it it felt like my husband and I were roommates. It was even less than that. I mean, we weren't even really good roommates anymore. Um, and so I asked him if he was interested in trying uh some counseling, and I I will never forget that day as long as I live. Um I asked him if he wanted to uh try counseling, and he thought for a minute, and then he said, No, I just want to be done. And I remember feeling the biggest sense of relief. Like I realized in that moment that I was done too, but I was trying to do what I thought was the right thing and let's get counseling, let's try to save this. But I didn't love him and he didn't love me. We were pretty much staying together because it was easier and because of the boys. And so um, we decided to get a divorce, and in the process of our divorce, I uh learned the thing that I tell, I'm a minister, and so uh I tell people that come to talk to me about divorce uh what I learned from my own divorce. And the thing that I learned was that the longer the process of divorce goes on, the more opportunity for ugliness there is. And that was true for our divorce, and it has proven to be true for every friend of mine, every congregational member of mine, um, that has for some reason or another, uh the divorce has drawn out, whether it's we can't agree on custody, we can't agree on property, um, whatever it is, anytime it takes longer, even if it doesn't start out contentious, it kind of ends up that way. And for us, uh we were having trouble uh with property. Um, we had decided that I would have primary custody of the children. Uh, our oldest was uh, I think a junior in high school, and our youngest was just finishing up elementary school. And uh so we decided that I was gonna have primary custody, and he would um see mostly the youngest child um on certain days of the week. Our older son at the time had a license and um pretty much made the choice for a lot of reasons that he didn't want to spend a lot of time with his dad. Um and so in the middle of all of that um and the deciding of property, I found out that he had um taken the equity out of our house. Oh and so I was supposed to get the house, um, but I ended up and I ended up with the house, but um the house had no equity in it and it needed lots of repairs, and so in the process of all that, that kind of put a uh halt to our discussions about property, and we were kind of having to um work that out. And in the middle of all of that, I think he got mad that things didn't work out the way that he thought they were going to, and he threatened to um take custody of the children. Oh and and I just remember uh thinking, first of all, how ridiculous that was. Um he didn't have a great relationship with kids because he made the choice to be gone a lot, and um and so I remember looking at him and saying, You can you can do that if you want to, you can try to get custody of the kids, but what you need to know is that you will have to sit in a courtroom and listen to your 17-year-old son tell the judge that he doesn't want to live with you. And so I guess if you want to put your child through that and if you want to put yourself through that, we can do that. But the outcome is going to be the same. No judge is going to give you primary custody, it's not gonna happen. Yeah. And so he ended up deciding in the long run not to do that, and our divorce ended up final. Um, and you know, a couple of things that I learned on the way is that, you know, as parents, we try really, really hard um not to let our kids see us argue. You know, we don't want our kids thinking that we're not getting along or whatever. The problem with that is that when things went sideways in our marriage, it was a complete surprise to the boys that we didn't get along. Um especially to the teenager who, you know, was old enough that if, you know, he felt like he would have picked up on it. And so then when we had when we told them we were getting a divorce, they were just absolutely shocked. It was one of those we didn't see this coming type thing. Yeah. And so I don't, I mean, it's not that I think parents ought to fight in front of their kids, but I do think it's I do think that we don't do our children any favors if we don't show them adults disagreeing and working something out, you know. Um, we just never disagreed in front of the kids. We did it was, you know, and and I realize now how silly that was, um, and how detrimental it was not only to our marriage, but to kids in the long run. Um, I mean, kids need to understand that their parents are people, their parents don't always agree, but you know, there's a process for working things out and a process for being respectful um when there are problems. And we just uh didn't do very well at that. And so I regret that. Um, but both of the boys did fine. Um, neither of them have a relationship with their dad now. Um, not because I didn't try. I mean, I ran interference between the boys and him for years and years and um made uh excuses why he didn't come and get his younger son like he was supposed to. Oh, dad must be at work, dad must be um, you know, he must have gotten called in, or you know, all that, all of those things. And finally I said to my ex-husband, you need to know that I will not be making excuses for you anymore. And so when you don't show up to pick our child up, I am going to say, I don't know why your dad isn't here. Would you like to call him? And you are going to have to manage your own relationship with the boys. I'm no longer going to do that for you. And and his way of managing it was to not have a relationship. Um which is is so heartbreaking. Um, and as they've gotten older, their dad has wanted to have a relationship with them, and I have encouraged them to do what they want to do. You know, I've I'm since remarried, and uh they love my husband very much, and uh he is a good stepdad. Uh he's very much um, I'm not here to replace your dad. I'm uh here to love your mom, and because I love your mom, I love you too. And um so um I've encouraged the boys if you want to have a relationship with your dad, that's great. Know that you're not, it's not hurtful to your stepdad. It's not hurtful to me. Uh, I just want you to be happy. And um, my kids just as of right now don't want that. Um and you know, some weird things for me that happened along the way that I didn't expect. Uh, I was very active in our church. Um, I was not an ordained minister at the time. I was uh youth director, and um, I was part of a women's Bible study. And uh when I uh told this women's Bible study that my husband and I were getting a divorce, I thought what they were gonna do is support me and say things like, I'm so sorry this has happened. Um instead, the leader of the Bible study said, you know, that's against God's will. You can't get a divorce. And um, I mean, there there weren't even any, you know, there was no sense of trying to figure out um why I was feeling the way that I was feeling, or um and I just remember uh her gathering the women together and saying that they were gonna pray over me and pray that this would change. Um and they prayed and I got up and walked out of the room and never went back. Um I still worked, I still worked for the church. Um, those the women uh that were part of part of that Bible study, only one of them went to the church that I served. Um and she came to me afterwards and said that should never have happened. But it was painful. You know, I thought these women were my friends, and um, the judgment that came from that group was stunning. And so uh when I became a minister, I uh have I've just always made sure that people know that the truth is God wants us to be happy. And uh part of being happy is being in right relationships and uh loving relationships and relationships that give us life. And uh when that isn't able to happen within a relationship, then it's okay for the relationship to end. Uh most of the time it's better for everyone, including the children.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

Yeah.

Counselor Validates Anger And Sadness

SPEAKER_00 14:00

And so um, so yeah, and also I will say that I wanted the divorce, and also it was the hardest time in my whole life. It was the strangest thing, you know. I I think I thought that because I wanted the divorce, like the closer I got to the divorce, the more I would feel better. Or and I just didn't. It was uh I felt awful. Everything about my life was changing, everything about my kids' life was changing. And I remember in the middle of the divorce going to a counselor and saying, uh, and my friends were urging me to go to counselor because they felt like I was depressed. So I went to the counselor and he said, What's going on? And I said, I'm I'm here at the urging of my friends. Uh they think that I'm depressed and they think that I need some help. And he said, Okay, well, tell me. So I told him the whole story of the divorce and what was going on in my life. And at the end of it, I looked at him and I said, So, am I depressed? And he said, I think you're angry, I think you're frustrated, and I think you're sad as hell, but I don't think you're depressed, your situation is worthy of all of those feelings. Like you should be mad, you should be frustrated, and you should be sad. And the fact that you are presenting those to your friends, presenting those emotions to your friends doesn't mean you're depressed. It means you're having emotions and you are expressing them. Yeah. And uh that actually kind of validated how I was feeling because I wasn't feeling like I was depressed. I was feeling like I was feeling the feelings, and you know, I wasn't, I was still working, I was still taking care of the kids, taking care of the house. But I was, you know, in the privacy of uh conversations with my friends, I was ticked off. Yeah. Frustrated, and I was really sad because as you said, nobody goes into marriage thinking it's gonna end in divorce. Yeah.

Reframing Traditions And Moving On

SPEAKER_01 16:24

They don't. And I think that your story is is a common one where, you know, the woman finally just has had enough and decides, you know, like this is for the best. Um, you know, and and like you said, it's not like you guys were, you know, fighting or anything like that in front of the children. You just, you know, you just knew that it wasn't the right fit for you. Maybe it was at one point and you both grew in separate ways. And so then it no longer, you know, it was no longer in your best interest to stay in that marriage. And I think that unfortunately a lot of women do stay for the children. They think that it's better for the children, or they stay because they're like, well, I mean, it's it's not that bad. Like we're we're not fighting, you know, he doesn't beat me. Like, you know, so like I should just stay. Or they're so far into their church that their church is telling them, like, you know, this is not right. You should always make it work. Like marriage is for life, and you know, and that's it. And, you know, so I love that you, you know, took that stance where you were like, hey, I'm I'm no longer coming to this Bible study because clearly you all believe something that I don't believe in. And my God wouldn't judge me like that. And he still loves me. And, you know, and I I love the fact that, you know, that you just you made that brave decision also with the children, you know, also with their relationship with their dad. Like there's there's so many times that we as women, you know, trying to do the best that we can to protect our children. But at some point, you have to just let them see for themselves what type of person that that is and let them make their their decision whether they want to be, you know, a part of their life or not. So I I you know, I really appreciate you sharing this story because like I said, I think people are listening and they're like, man, like I want to leave, but you know, do I have the right to leave or should I leave? And so I think, you know, knowing that yes, you knew in your heart of hearts that this was the right decision and it still hurt, you know, like that that I think that's a common theme with women.

Nothing About Divorce Is Fair

Make Kids The Priority

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Yeah. I think so too. I think that people, um, when they're going through a divorce, sometimes when they experience those strong feelings, I think especially sadness, they think to themselves, if I really wanted this divorce, I wouldn't be sad. And so maybe I don't want this. And and I'm not saying that people can't or shouldn't change their mind midstream because that happens. Yeah. Um, but also even even people who should be divorced are sad. I mean, it is, I felt like a failure. Um I was I was sad that you know, holidays weren't going to be the same. I was, you know, and it's the it's the little things after your divorce that you didn't really expect that um that I think were the source of sadness after the initial divorce, you know, like it's time to hang the stockings and you know, your ex-husband's stocking is still in the box. Um, so what do you do with it? Um, and just things like that, and things, you know, that we did together as a family. You know, there's a part of me that didn't want to do those things anymore. There's part of the boys that didn't want to do those things anymore, and yet they were things that we uh loved to do. And so it was just a process of, you know, can we can we create new traditions? Can we can we reframe things so that we can do some of these things and everybody not just feel bad about it? Um but what I know is that there's no right or wrong way to go through a divorce. I mean, I feel like everybody just has to do the best that they can. And it's messy and it's not fun. Yeah. But there's all, you know, I I think my husband is the love of my life. And I never would have met him if it hadn't been for making the decision to get a divorce. I mean, so I think that there is a whole lot on the other side of it, but there's also a whole lot of garbage to get through to get there.

Therapy, Fit, And Radical Acceptance

SPEAKER_01 20:48

Yeah, I totally agree. When I, you know, when someone shares with me that they're, you know, going through a divorce or they're contemplating it, uh, you know, one of the first things I always warn them is that there's nothing fair about divorce. So don't try and make it fair. Not one single thing is fair. Like, even if you split everything 50-50, there's always gonna be something that's just not fair. And that's okay. Like, so you just have to continue to push through, figure out what is the most important to you. If there are children involved, your children should be your number one priority. You know, what do we do to make sure that they're taken care of, they're provided for? Um, but I think that's the biggest thing because people always want to make it fair. They're like, well, that's not fair. That's not fair, you're getting the house. That's not fair that, you know, I only get this much time with the kids, or that's not fair. Yeah, guess what? Nothing is fair about divorce. It just isn't. And so I think if you can, you know, channel kind of like you did, like just channel everything into what's the best for the boys, um, you know, what's the best for your children, uh, and just kind of going at it from there, the rest of it is just stuff.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

It's just it's just yeah, and and get some help, you know. I mean, in addition to, you know, an attorney, but like get yourself a counselor that you can talk to that will help you sort out your priorities, you know. I mean, will help you sort out what is most important here about all of this. Uh, I think sometimes we've come a long way uh since I got a divorce. Um we've come a long way with regard to mental health and self-care, I think. Um but I do think there's still people that think that somehow there's something wrong with them if they need a counselor.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

Yeah.

Communicating Better Under Stress

SPEAKER_00 22:34

And that's just not true. Um I think it's good, in fact, for everyone uh to have somebody that they can talk to and process with. And um and I think it's great if it's a counselor because that person is trained or a minister. Uh and sometimes sometimes you have to make a decision about whether or not you're gonna remain in the faith community that you've been in if your minister can't support you in your decisions too.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Yeah, I absolutely agree. I think that's huge. Um, you know, definitely finding the the person, you know, that can help you. I went to a a therapist uh for over a decade and you know, just to help get through like the whole divorce process. And I swear to you, for the first year, she told me the same thing over and over again. And it just never it didn't make sense until it made sense. And you know, and it was like, Sarah, you're just gonna have to radically accept that you know your marriage is over, you're never gonna know why. It just is, and and that's okay. So you just have to radically accept it. And I just kept saying, But I want to know why. But why? What happened? What did I do? And she's like, You didn't do anything, it just happened, it just is like so, you know, I absolutely agree. Find that one person that can help you through it, you know, find a good therapist. And it's okay if you go through a few therapists before you figure out which one is the right fit, because not all therapists are made for all people.

Feel The Feelings And Stabilize

SPEAKER_00 24:04

No, no, and and that is really, really important to find somebody that you feel comfortable with, somebody that you don't feel like you have to hide things from. Yes. You know, I mean, because that's the purpose of a therapist or counselor is to be able to like say all of the things that you're not feeling like you can say to other people.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:24

Um, but if you get yourself a therapist and feel like, oh, I don't want them to think badly of me, so I'm not gonna tell them what I actually said. No, no, you have to be able to tell them what you actually said. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Yeah, exactly. And be able to accept the feedback whenever they're like, well, okay, maybe next time you could have said this differently. You're better. Or like, how did that make you feel? You know, like all the things, but at least you're you're right. Find someone that you can be a hundred percent, you know, yourself with and transparent with and and share all the things, even if you messed up, like that's okay. Like they're not there to judge you, they're there to help you process your feelings.

SPEAKER_00 25:03

I can remember, I don't know what I had done, but I had said something really unfiltered to my ex-husband. And um when I reported it to my counselor, she was like, So, how did that work out for you? And I was like, didn't work out well at all, it turns out. You know, I think it was, I don't know, something. You know how when you I can remember this with raising kids too. You know how when you give somebody a choice and you don't like, and one of the choices you can't live with, but you're like just, you know, spouting off. I think that's kind of what happened. Like I said, you can either do this or I'm gonna do that. Well, I was never going to do the that.

SPEAKER_01 25:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

You know, yeah. Live and learn.

SPEAKER_01 25:48

Oh, yeah. And we all get caught up in emotion, and that's the thing, you know, whenever you're going through a divorce, there are so many emotions. Again, I tell people, like, it is gonna be like a roller coaster, like your highs are gonna get, you know, but after a while, your highs get higher, your lows don't get as low, and it starts to kind of even out. But you know, when you're feeling that that low period and you want to cry, cry, lean into those feelings fully, feel it, throw the biggest damn pity party you can for yourself because the next day you're gonna be able to pull up your big girl panties and keep moving, and it's gonna get easier. Yeah, but if you keep the bottled up, you are gonna end up saying something explosive to your children or your ex or somebody, and right now, right?

Parting Advice And Closing

SPEAKER_00 26:30

Yeah, and it does get easier, it does get easier. Um but it it takes time and you gotta do the work, like you have to do the things, the hard things. Say the hard things, do the hard things so that you can um get on the other side a little bit faster. Yeah, I totally agree.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

Excellent. Kelly, thank you so much for joining us. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me. Yeah, can you think of any last words that you maybe didn't get to say that you know you you just any advice?

SPEAKER_00 27:02

Um I I think the um the biggest piece of advice I have is that um you deserve to be happy. And um you you don't have to justify your own happiness to anybody. You're a human being and you deserve to be happy. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

Excellent. Thank you so much. And thank you to everyone that tuned in today. Hopefully you um got some good, you know, nuggets from this and and it helped you to feel seen, heard, understood, because that is the purpose of this podcast. So hopefully uh you got something out of it. If you did, please feel free to leave a review. Five stars always appreciated. Also make sure you're sharing this with others because the whole point of this is just to make sure that as many women out there can feel seen, heard, and understood while they're going through this process. So thank you, and we'll see you next time on Thrive and Decide Guide for Divorce.