What Happens When You’re Ready To Leave And Choose To Stay

The ground can shift under a marriage without a single dramatic blow. After a baby, our guest went from career-driven independence to breastfeeding, sleepless nights, and a new identity she never planned for. Then the bank gates closed—no account access, just “text me when you need money.” That subtle change hardened into powerlessness, and resentment took root. She met with a lawyer, cried on friends’ couches, and mapped out apartments she might afford—but couldn’t quite step off the ledge. Therapy helped keep her moving, right up until insurance changed and the copay math got in the way.

We walk through the messy middle: how postpartum strain collides with expectations about sex, caregiving, and “provider” roles; how financial control masquerades as protection; and why unhappiness alone is a valid reason to re-evaluate a marriage. The turning point wasn’t fireworks, it was acknowledgment. When she said the holidays would be separate, he finally took her seriously and offered to contact a lawyer. Then his own attorney delivered a hard truth: stop blaming mom in front of the child. That outside accountability shifted the dynamic. They pressed pause, took a family trip, and found a slower rhythm—less contempt, more room to breathe. Over time, they rebuilt trust with small actions, a job change, and eventually a new wedding band chosen on her terms.

You’ll hear practical insights on co-parenting boundaries, money transparency, and the quiet power of friends who hold space instead of trying to fix everything. We talk about the cost of counseling and creative ways to keep mental health support in reach, plus how to separate your child from the adult story while still telling the truth. Whether you’re preparing to leave or looking for a way to stay, this conversation centers dignity, safety, and agency over quick fixes and clichés.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help others find these conversations. Your story matters—and you’re not alone.

Hi and welcome to Thrive and Decide. I’m your host Sarah Thress. This podcast is intended to help women who are going through a divorce, continplating divorce or have lost a spouse feel seen, heard, understood and not alone. All the beautiful souls who share on here are coming from a place of vulnerability and a common belief that sharing your story will help others. You will also hear from industry experts on what to do and not do while going through a divorce.

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Transcript

Host Welcome And Guest Setup

SPEAKER_00 1:06

Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of Thrive and Decide Guide to Divorce. This week I have a guest who I just recently met and uh absolutely, you know, fell in love with her because she is, you know, just so inspiring. Um, but she shared with me uh, you know, a story of how she had kind of gotten to the point that she was ready to pull the trigger and um and get divorced. And and then, you know, she was able to kind of pull it all together and now they're in a much better space. And so I just felt like this story would likely resonate with a lot of people out there because I think it's more normal than you think to have those thoughts where you're just like, holy crap, I'm done. Like this is it. Uh, you know, like I'm not getting what I want, and so I'm done. Um, so I, you know, applaud you for putting in the work and figuring it out. And, you know, and sometimes that's not possible. Sometimes you put in the work and it's still the best answer to separate. And that's okay too. So again, none of this ever comes from a place of judgment. It always just comes from a place of, you know, hey, this is what happened to me. I'm gonna be vulnerable and I'm gonna share it so that you don't feel alone. So thank you so much for taking time out to come on and and kind of share your story. So um take it away.

Financial Control And Loss Of Access

Fear, Isolation, And Legal Consults

SPEAKER_02 2:28

Okay. Well, thank you. Thanks for so many kind words and for having me. Um, I suppose I should start at the beginning, maybe. Um, I think after having a child, marriage got really confusing. We weren't sure how to handle like childcare versus working versus you know, trying to find a preschool and nanny. And so a lot of things started to get challenging. Um, I chose to breastfeed, and I think that caused between breastfeeding and then we ended up deciding I would stay home for at least a little while, caused a lot of jealousy. Um, and there was just weird stuff that started happening, like a lot of weird control issues, financial control started playing a big part. Like, I didn't have access to money. Like it was, oh, well, just tell me when you need money. And it was like, well, but can't I just have access to the accounts that I need? Well, no, because you know, you might overdraft. So you just tell me when you need money, and I'll just but that got really weird really fast. You know, like I had enough going on, and I would get to the grocery store and be in line and realize, oh crap, I forgot to text to say I'm coming to the grocery store. Because I've never had to do that before. I've always had a job, you know, I I very much worked like a full-time, I was I was on a career path before I had a child, and I never expected to be a stay-at-home mom. So I think it was even as early as as as uh her first birthday that it started to be like, oh bam, I am not, I am not feeling good. I'm not liking what's happening. And I'm sure the postpartum had a a part to play. But I think one of the big breaks was the following within the next six months, there was like some major changes in the household. Like I can't remember exactly I don't there was something that really started to shift for me, and I just felt like really lost. I couldn't I felt like I wasn't being trusted, and I didn't trust him either. Like there was just such a yeah, there were so many bad feelings, and it really stuck around for a long time. I mean, I think by the time so if it started even sooner than a year, I think I didn't get serious and get a lawyer until like four and a half years, maybe five. So I was just living in this like hotel. I didn't feel good. I remember going to friends' houses and having nothing else to talk about but like my horrible marriage, and I would just cry all the time. And I don't know, I had a therapist, thank goodness, um, that I met with every week. And it was always like, Well, how am I gonna do this? How am I gonna get out of this? Because I don't have enough money to support me and my daughter, and I don't want to be without her, and I don't even know that I trust him to be with her when I'm not there, you know, and and how do I there was so many I was so scared about what would happen. And I started to try to get back into like working, but I just knew it was like I don't know that I can ever I've never my jobs have never been the big moneymakers. So how am I gonna support myself and my daughter? And so I started meeting with a I finally did get a lawyer involved. I had a a retainer. Um I can't remember how much he really I mean I think he tried to be really um neutral, which I think was good, you know, he wasn't pushing me into anything, but just trying to be there to support whatever I was deciding. And it kind of got to the point I think finally it was like holidays, and I talked about you know splitting up the holidays, and he was my husband was like, Well, what do you mean splitting up the holidays? And I was like, Yeah, we're not gonna do the holidays together. And he he knew that I wanted a divorce for most of those years, I think. I mean, we fought. We I mean I I really hated him a lot. It's like I remember just having pure just pure hate for this person, like sitting next to him made my whole body mad. Like it was pretty brutal. And I would just cry. I would like cry myself to sleep. I would like be on Zillow every night looking to see like how the heck can I afford to like get a place that's still gonna be close to her friends and close to where I want to be to be able to afford it.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Yeah. Oh, I think I lost you. Oh there you are.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Alright, how's that?

SPEAKER_00 7:58

That's good.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Okay. Sometimes my wool and it didn't help that someone tried to call. Oh. I always get calls from these fireplace people that want to come and sweep my chimney. Yeah, of course I do. Um but yeah, there were many, many years of feeling totally helpless.

SPEAKER_03 8:31

Oh, you're frozen. Oh shit. There you are.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

Okay. Okay, so I was saying I remember trying to talk to my parents about everything that was going on. My parents have been married for 50 years, and they are not at all interested in, you know, people getting divorced. Oh, and I didn't even mention I totally got married when I was in college, and that lasted about eight months. Yeah. So I actually am already divorced from so then I think my parents were really like, you know, what the hell? Like, what do you think you're doing? Like, just keep marrying people and divorcing them. But I was like, I remember really trying to explain to my parents how bad it was. Like, no, you guys, listen, this is what he's doing. This is what is happening, this is what my life is like. I cannot do this. And I was so upset. My mom, and it's terrible, it's it's terrible. I love my mom, but that what she responded with was, Well, you can't move back in with me. I was like, okay, thanks. I didn't ask. Like, yeah, it was really hurtful. Yeah, it was really hurtful at the time. And luckily, I have a really good group of friends here with me, and I got tons of support. I mean, everybody would listen to me. There was one person in my life. I had started working here and there, and I remember there was a person I worked with, and he straight up told me, like, you have to stop talking about your marriage to me. I I can't I can't hear it anymore. I'm really sorry. I know you're in a tough place, but like I can't be your listener. And that was hard to hear, but it was he's he said it in as positive a way as he could. And other than that person, people really put up with a lot. I complained a lot about it. And I think some of I I probably messed up some friendships, maybe, because it was so toxic and bad. So should I talk about the turnaround? Maybe I should talk about the turnaround.

Friendships, Therapy, And Hitting Bottom

Host Reflections On Motherhood And Money

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Yeah, but I do want to like uh I do just want to um point out a few things that um I really loved that you were saying, you know, um the first thing is like children really do make marriage harder. Like children are great, they bring so much joy to our lives, but um, it's also very, very difficult. Um, because you know, whenever you first get married, you want to be the absolute best wife you can be. And then you have children and you just want to be like the best mom. And especially if you're breastfeeding, your boobs are no longer that sexy play toy for your husband. They're like, you know, you're a cow, like you're essentially a dairy cow for your child. And so, like, you can't think about wow, I'm gonna be the sexy wife still for my husband for my husband. I am a mom, like I can't be sexy. And so I think that, you know, men especially have a really hard time understanding that because they're like, well, but I have needs too. And it's like, cool, but like also like our child has needs. So, you know, like I'm gonna need you to like chill out a little bit. And so I see that a lot. I mean, I know even in, you know, my own marriage, you know, my first marriage when I, you know, after we had our daughter, like I wasn't thinking like, oh, I'm still sexy Sarah. Like, I was just like, oh, uh, like I'm just a dairy cow that like don't touch my boobs, like, you know, like it just like it causes a lot of friction. So, you know, I loved that you made that point. Um, the financial control, that's a huge one. And I think that a lot of people that are listening are gonna really resonate with that because unfortunately, men, you know, like they've been trained to think that they're the providers and that they have to be the ones that provide everything and they have to have that control over everything, or else they're just not a man. And uh, you know, that's it's very difficult because nowadays there are a lot of women that are the breadwinners. And, you know, or there's women that stay at home. And because they stay at home, it, you know, I always say they're not working outside of the home because trust me, when you're a stay-at-home mom, I'm sure you can attest to this. You're working 24-7. There are no breaks. There, you're not going home from work and leaving your work at home. Like you are 24-7 on. And you doing that allows that man to go be the breadwinner. And a lot of times they forget that. And so they're like, oh, well, I have the money, like I'll just take care of it. And they they likely think that they're just protecting you, they're just taking care of you when really what they're doing is demeaning you and making you feel like you're not an equal, even though what you're doing, you, you know, if you were paid for every task you did as a stay-at-home mom, you would have been the red runner.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Oh my gosh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

Like it's insane to me. So I loved that you brought that up. Um, and then the other thing that you brought up that helped you was therapy. I literally could not talk more about therapy. Like, I mean, seriously, therapy is the one thing that helped me to get up off of my bathroom floor uh so that I stopped sobbing every night. Like it's, I mean, it's huge. And so I'm glad that you were able to use that to also figure out, you know, because I'm sure you, you know, like you said, you had a few friendships that likely maybe aren't as strong as they were at that point. But, you know, you needed what you needed at the time and you didn't know what you didn't know. And, you know, so thank God you had those people and you had your therapist. So obviously, all of those things um are what helped you kind of do the turnaround. So I'd love to hear about like what what in the heck happened that you, you know, you turned it around.

Access To Therapy And Cost Barriers

The Turning Point: Holidays And A Lawyer

A Hard Truth From His Attorney

SPEAKER_02 14:33

I also have to say, before we move on from that, how sad it makes me that therapy isn't more available because the only reason I was able to do therapy once a week is because at the time his job provided it was like a$25 or$30 copay. So, like, of course, yeah, of course I could go every week. But now, like ever since the job switch, I don't go to therapy and I hate that. I want, I'm like a big supporter of therapy, and the fact that I don't go kills me. But it's like, I don't know how to budget. And it feels like if you only go, so my daughter, so we actually go to family therapy now, and not because of all of this that I'm talking about, just because of her helping help helping her deal with stuff um on her own. It's like it's so expensive. So we've only been going once a month, and then it's like I don't know that it's gonna help her as much as it could, because once a month isn't enough. Anyway, so I think so the the job switch I think was a big uh a big help to our relationship. So it all kind of started, there was like a well, it was like when I talked about like splitting up the holidays. Around that time, I think he finally like acknowledged how serious I was. And maybe he because I think for a long time he knew. He knew I was scared, he knew I didn't want to like not be with our daughter all the time and that I didn't have a stable income. Like, I'm sure he knew all these things. And then maybe it finally started to click. And there was a point where he really sat back and said, Okay, oh, I he used to always say, like, well, if we get a divorce, I'm gonna make sure she knows that it's your fault, basically. Like, you're the one tearing the family apart. I didn't want anything to do with this, I wanted to keep working on the marriage because we tried to go to marriage counseling, but even the counselor was like, Oh, yeah, you're totally checked out. Like, you don't even want this to work anymore. And I'm like, What are you gonna say? Like, I'm so like broken. So, anyway, so he finally, we were like sitting together and he said, Okay, you want a divorce? I I will call a lawyer, I will get on board, we will let's do it. And I started crying, and I didn't expect to start crying, and he didn't know. And he's like, wait a minute, I thought this was what you wanted. Why are you crying? And I was like, Well, I don't know. You know, this you're like finally acknowledging that I'm hurting and that you're acknowledging that you're willing to do something that you don't want to do because it's beneficial for my health, basically, or whatever. Like it just was such a turnaround. And then he knew that I had seen a lawyer. I think, like, and after years, he has mentioned maybe he even found the papers at one point because I had papers. Like I was ready to, you know, get moving with it. Um, but then he went to a lawyer and he said, Well, I'll go. This is what you know you want. And if if we decide to slow down and work on things again, great. But you know, I'm I'm trying to support what you said you wanted, so I will go to a lawyer. It's like, okay. So he goes to a lawyer and the lawyer tells him, like, you're a total asshole if you think that you're gonna tell the daughter that that you know, anything, basically. Like, you can't do that to a kid that's so wrong and blah, blah, blah. And I was really shocked because he didn't go to the same person I went to. Like, he went to a different lawyer. So, whoever this person is, I'm so thankful that they were honest with him because I feel like they could have easily been like, yeah, you know, this woman's taking advantage and gold digger and whatever. Like, no, the guy straight up told him that it was a bad choice to um to put the my daughter in the middle or whatever. So when he came home and apologized for saying that that all those years, her the lawyer's advice basically, that was really amazing. So then on top of the him saying, like, okay, I'll go through with the divorce, and then I think I said something like, Well, I really need a vacation. I think we all need a vacation. Let's not, let's just kind of like put a pin in this. And I remember putting a lot of uh weight on this vacation, thinking like, okay, I need like sparks to fly, and I want to feel like I'm totally in love again or I'm out of this. Well, none of that happened, but we got along. And I think sad but true that you know, the kids make such a difference. And I think I really didn't want to be without her. And so I kind of just said, well, it's better. And it took years, you know, for it to really feel like like I stopped wearing a wedding ring, well, for a lot of reasons, um, including that I just didn't want to like mess it up when I was at the gym. But, you know, I it took a lot of years, I think, before I was ready to like feel like I could recommit. And we actually ended up buying a new wedding band. Um, and that felt like a really good, you know, I I felt like I could finally kind of say, okay, like we're we started laughing again together and spending time together. And I didn't want to just rip his throat out when he was sitting next to me anymore. And it took a long time. And like I still think that there are, I mean, I don't know. I I maybe it's the person that I am, and like having, you know, I try not to hold grudges, but there are still things that like kind of, you know, they'll float up in your mind, right? Like, I mean, that's normal. Yes. And sometimes I'll talk to friends about like, well, sometimes I'll feel bad if I complain about him now to my friends, like, okay, I'm not, I don't want to divorce again, but like listen to what this guy did. But then people remind me, like, yeah, but that's normal. You know, just because you don't want to divorce doesn't mean it's always gonna be happy. Yeah. So that was important for me to hear from people that, like, okay, yeah. Like it can still be a good marriage without, you know, you're not, there's never gonna be a time where I'm like happy smiling all the time.

Vacation, Slow Rebuild, And Recommitment

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. I do love um that that attorney said that though, um, to him, because like I wrote that down whenever you were talking about that. Cause I was like, oh my God, like that is such a huge thing because I hear, you know, men and women both like, oh, well, I'm gonna make sure. I think it's more men, honestly, than women. It's very few women far, you know, few and far between that I hear that are like, oh, I'm gonna make sure they know that, you know, you you're the bitch, you're you know, you're the reason why, um, or the woman, like, you know, you're the asshole that they're gonna know that. And the thing is, like, your child doesn't need to know what happens behind closed doors. Your child doesn't need to know that you, you know, that y'all fought. Like they, you know, they don't need to know all the details. They just need to know mommy and daddy love you and we're here for you, and that's it. They don't need to know anything else. Like, uh, none of the details, none of that shit. Like, I never, you know, said anything to my daughter. Like my, you know, my ex-husband was the one that came and said, hey, like I I, you know, I don't love you. I haven't loved you in years, and I think that we need a divorce. And as hard as that was to hear, I never would have told, you know, and I still have never really sat down. I'm sure at some point Addison may listen to these, you know, podcasts. Right now, she thinks I'm cringy, so whatever. Um, you know, she's she's 18, so everything is cringy. But, you know, but still, like I wanted to make sure that she never had, you know, thought badly of her dad because it's not, you know, it's not his fault and it's not my fault. Like we just we just weren't the right fit, and that's okay. So, you know, I just like I just think that's so huge that that attorney gave that information and you know, gave that advice and said, Yeah, like you can't do that because that is the most detrimental thing you can do to your child is to pit them against the other one. And like it just it's not good for either side.

SPEAKER_02 22:55

Yeah. I think it's and it was so important for my husband to hear it from not only someone that wasn't involved. In the situation, but also a man, I think that probably helped. Like hearing it, you know, from another. And just yeah, I I mean it was because that really hurt every time he would say that. Like, well, I'm gonna make sure she knows that you're you're the one that didn't want to work on it. And it's like, okay, yeah, I don't want to work on it. But also, just because you say you want to work on it doesn't mean you've stopped doing all the terrible things that you've been doing. Like you're still treating me poorly. So, like, I don't know. I mean, I'm I'm I'm lucky that it, you know, you hear it, it didn't get to a point where it was like a safety issue. You know, there are there are terrible things that I know I have some friends that probably think I should have just gone through with it still, but it's like, I don't know. I I I didn't fear for my safety. I just I was just unhappy.

Co‑Parenting Boundaries And Child First

SPEAKER_00 23:58

Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes that's that's all you need is to be unhappy, to feel like the divorce is the right thing. It doesn't have to always be that you're fleeing because you know you're getting beat or you know, emotional abuse or, you know, any of the any of the big things that you hear about that you're like, oh yeah, of course you guys are getting a divorce. Um, but like, and it's okay if that, you know, I love that you guys were able to get through it, work through it together, go to therapy together, and you know, you decided that you're the right decision for you all was to stay together, you know. But I think that even if you had decided that it wasn't the right decision, it's okay. Being unhappy uh for that long and not having your needs met for that long is absolutely okay for you to decide, okay, I'm out. I've given it, I've given it all and I'm done.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

And that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 24:54

Yeah. Totally. Yeah, it was it's hard to like think about like so many years that that were so hard. But you know, it is what it is, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 25:11

Yeah. Well, and I love too that you shared um what your mom said. Like, first of all, I can't believe that a mom would say, like, well, you're not moving back in with me. Because my mom would be like, Oh, you can move back in with me. This would be the greatest thing in the world. Um, right. But, you know, I just it also amazes me that advice, and I use air quotes for advice that you get from people when you share your story. Obviously, that was like the least amount of support that you received. Do you think, can you remember back though? Was there any like good advice that anyone gave you that, you know, you think, wow, like thank God I had that person in my life that said this?

Choosing Unhappiness As A Valid Signal

SPEAKER_02 25:56

Well, one of my best friends is a therapist, and she was pretty, she came into the middle of it. We didn't meet until I was towards the tail end. And I I think having she was really respectful of not pushing me one way or the other. Um, you know, because you have some friends that are like gonna be like, I don't know, at the drop of a hat, like, yeah, he's awful, you know, like get a divorce, like I'm done with that guy. He's such an asshole. But you know, I I feel grateful that I had I guess not so much one or the other, but like the range of advice that I got was helpful to kind of see it from different sides. Um I don't know. It's weird to think back to that and figure out like it's weird that it I mean the people that I was with back then who I maybe don't see very often it's weird to get with them now because it like I I've still had the conversation with people where it's like, no, I actually am still married. I know that's hard to believe, you know. Like, I mean, I think people definitely thought it wasn't gonna end this way. I don't know. I can't think of anything specifically.

Mixed Advice, Holding Space, Moving Forward

SPEAKER_00 27:15

Yeah. Well, I think that's good though, that you, you know, you had that friend that um, you know, whether they're a therapist or not, like it's huge to have those friends that just listen, just hold space. That is what we all need, whether you're going through a divorce or whether you're contemplating a divorce or whatever. Like everyone needs those people that will hold space for them no matter what, not offer advice unless you ask for it and not tell you what to do. They're just there to hold space so that you can get everything out of your head. Because the biggest thing is we all keep so much in our head, and then it just plays as a vicious loop over and over and over again until you spiral and you're like, oh my God, the only option is divorce. Whenever really you could talk it out with someone who's willing to just hold space, not give advice, and then you're able to go, huh? Okay. You know, a lot of times I find that, you know, very, very helpful to find those people that, you know, just talk about anything that I'm getting lost in my head about. And, you know, having those people is huge. So I'm glad you had that.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

Yeah.

Closing Gratitude And Listener CTA

SPEAKER_00 28:25

I love it. Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story. It's very hard to um share a story like that. So I appreciate your vulnerability and your openness because I am certain that someone listening today, or maybe several someone's listening today, are like, wow, I'm not alone. And that's the whole point of this podcast.

SPEAKER_01 28:48

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

Excellent. Excellent. Well, thank you so much for tuning in. Make sure that you uh like and um follow, leave a review. Um, if you follow, then you'll never miss another episode. Thanks so much, and we'll see you next time on Thrive and Decide Guide to Divorce.