How to Step Through the Doorway of Divorce with Guest Farhana Hussain

Midlife divorce rates are on the rise, with grey divorces – those of over 50s – doubling in the UK since the 1990s. 

According to the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics, women are now more likely than men to apply for divorce.

And as the longevity revolution gathers pace, this silver splitting trend looks likely to continue.

So I’m delighted to be joined by my guest Farhana Hussain, Divorce Doula and author of “She’s Not Done Yet”, to talk about how to realise that divorce isn’t your downfall, it’s your doorway.

We explore the stigma and societal pressures that still shroud divorce, how to recognise that you are stuck in your own story, and how to choose and live your new story by “turning your mess into your masterpiece.”

And Farhana shares honest and heartfelt insights and lessons learned from her own divorce journey that we can use to help navigate our own path through this potential minefield of emotions.

Connect with Farhana

 https://www.instagram.com/farhana_mydivorcedoula/

www.linkedin.com/in/farhana-mydivorcedoula

https://www.facebook.com/farhanamydivorcedoula

 https://mydivorcedoula.org.uk/

Private Letters sign up - https://subscribepage.io/mXE695

 She’s Not Done Yet - Buy the book here: https://amzn.eu/d/0dZPGo2R

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis Coach, and I know what it's like to feel stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling it like it really is. But nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So welcome to today's episode. Now, midlife can be a bittersweet mix of endings and beginnings as so many of our relationships change. Divorce rates in midlife are on the rise, with grey divorces, those over 50 doubling since the 1990s. According to the latest figures from the Office of National Statistics, women are now more likely to apply for divorce than men. And as the longevity revolution gathers pace, this silver splitting trend looks likely to continue. So I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Fahana Hussein, divorce doula and author of She's Not Done Yet, to talk about how to step through the doorway of divorce. So welcome, Fahana. It's fabulous to have you here. Oh, thank you so much, Kay. I am so excited about this conversation. Well, I know this is a conversation, this is a topic that we literally could record an entire podcast series. Well, we don't do series, I go all the way through, but you know what I mean. We could talk for hours. So there are going to be areas that we might touch on that we won't be going too through into in detail, but we're going to cover a lot here. And I think when we had our pre-chat, and we have met in the flesh as well, one of the things that I know you're really passionate about helping women with is refusing to stay stuck. Because being stuck is not a great place to be, is it?

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Absolutely. That's why my book is called She's Not Done Yet: A Divorce Dealers Manifesto for Women Who Refuse to Stay Stuck, because this is what it's all about. We can see divorce as your downfall, and my God, society absolutely supports that, sadly, still today. But my mission is to help you to see divorce as your doorway, your doorway into a life you couldn't even imagine right now.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Because I'll say I obviously I mentioned facts and figures in the intro, and there are so many surveys and reports out. I mean, I've seen, I would say about three articles in the last week alone about midlife women, a third of them saying they're happier than ever following divorce, being dubbed Gen X divorcee women, walk-away wives. I mean, for those of us, I mean, obviously, I've never married, be upfront about that, not for any particular reason, just never married. But I'm a child of divorce and I know lots of people who have been through it or are going through it. And the media, I'm part of it. I wasn't, you know, newspaper editor, but we they do like to slap labels on things. And if you're going through a divorce, whether it's a no-fault, whichever way round the situations come about, hearing things like walk-away wives, silver splitting can make something that is basically a very emotional time, make it sound flippant, can't it, when you see things like that?

SPEAKER_01 3:52

Absolutely. And I think this is the problem with um society and social media, etc., is that uh, you know, with something like divorce, you're going from one extreme to another, but it is about sensationalizing it, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 4:09

And headlines, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:11

Yeah, like you said, you know, divorce is you know such an emotional uh experience to go through. But for someone like myself, who's been through a very messy divorce, um, and for maybe many of your listeners who are going through a divorce process at the moment or are on the other side, they will absolutely know that divorce is, apart from giving birth, is the most uh, you know, the biggest transition you are going to experience in your life because it impacts every area of your life. Nothing is left untouched, no matter how much you try and compartmentalize it into, well, this is just my private, you know, relationship. It is something incredibly private, of course, but it affects everything. Your performance at work, your relationship with other people, if you have got children, um, your relationship with them, um, your finances, right down to how you see yourself and what you believe in. It impacts everything. So it is one of the most significant life transitions you are going to go through.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

Absolutely. And I say I'm so delighted that you're going to be sharing your, I not often say the word top tips, but these aren't really tips, they're kind of insights and lessons learned from your own journey which for women who are going through it, know someone who is. So we'll be touching on that later on. But first, you briefly mentioned your story then. I'd be honoured if you would share how the book came about, how you became, am I right thinking one of the first, if not the first, divorced doula in the UK. How has how have you come to the glorious woman that's sitting in front of me today?

SPEAKER_01 6:01

Okay, where do I start? Um, I think to answer that question properly, if I sort of go back to the early days back in sort of 2017-18, when um the whole world fell apart. I think if we start there, that's going to uh help you understand how it I came about to being a divorce doula and writing my book. So um I am a Muslim British Bangladeshi woman. I was born and brought up here in a pretty conservative family. So, you know, it was all about marriage, duty, honour. These were like non-negotiables for me pretty much from the day I was born. And um, that's a script I grew up with. And uh I did marry out of my culture and my religion, which was a huge taboo. And uh yeah, so I was already sort of trying to balance my inherited culture with my adopted cultures, etc. Um, then add on to that the pressures of being um married and having a family relatively young. I um was a stay-at-home mum for several years in my 30s. So had a very young family, three children under the age of six at the time, and no financial independence because I put my very successful career on pause at the time. I had the privilege of staying at home and I loved it. I don't regret that at all. We had a five-year plan, a 10-year plan, a 20-year plan. You know, we had it all planned out. We were going to be retired by 50 and traveling the world because we were young parents, and it all absolutely added up on paper. But uh was not looking at the red flags, and you know, looking back, looking back, there were many, many red flags. But you know, me and maybe many people listening to this conversation today will be able to resonate with this. Is that when you are in something, a relationship, a marriage, you just think, you know what, this is this is just how life is. This is just marriage, you know, having having a family, being married, all the financial pressures, expectations, it's it's hard. And we're told this, you know, it's tough. And uh grinned and bear it, yeah. Exactly, grin and bear it. I also had this added complexity of you've made your bed, now you must lay in it, you know. So I had that as well, which I have absolutely no doubt, having worked with hundreds of women who aren't South Asian or Muslim, that there are so many complex, nuanced layers in our relationships and why we choose to ignore the red flags and why we normalize um things not being okay and ignore our gut uh when it comes to relationships. So I continue to ignore things until well, until one day um I couldn't ignore it anymore, and I was still breastfeeding my youngest child at the time, and I discovered that um my husband then was betraying me in a pretty significant way, and it it just hit me like a freight terrain, you know, it just completely knocked me for six. And the the biggest thing for me was the shame, it just hit me, you know, more than anything else, and that shame kept me silent for a very long time. And I I I I know so many people will resonate with this because you know, when you don't talk about what's going on in your life, you start to make up all sorts of stories of what you believe this situation is, and those internal stories just become your truth.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

No, absolutely, because you've you've got no other reference point at all. You've completely swathed yourself, as you say, in your own story, and also kind of suffocated or held back by the whole what will others think, as you say, the shame. Will they think it's something that you've done? Will they think you're stupid or you're short-sighted or you're not good enough? If you'd been better, this wouldn't have happened. If you'd been more beautiful, more intelligent, more this uh stories, stories, stories.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

These are all stories, you know. And then there's a guilt of my children, my children deserve better. They deserve to have two parents because that's what society, family, culture, religion has taught us, you know, of what marriage should look like and what children deserve, all adding to the endless list of stories that we tell ourselves. But those stories, when we're not talking about them, become our truth, and we start to show up from that truth because we think it's facts, and we start to make decisions from those facts. And so, you know, for me, I'm not gonna say sadly anymore because my journey was my journey, and my journey is what allowed, has allowed me to come to this point in my life and help other women, but I hid I hid my separation for two years. I didn't tell anybody about it, so there was all this chaos in my life. I think it was kind of a self-protective thing as well, perhaps absolutely, it was to protect myself because I really believed that I was going to be completely ostracized by society, that people would judge me and say that, oh, she wasn't good enough, and that's why her husband left, etc. And that they would the the thing that I was really also trying to protect was um the pity, the pity that people would have for me and my children. Oh, look at her and her poor children, you know, etc. etc. So there was that. And here's a here's a one that people don't talk about enough, and I really want to bring it up in this conversation because it's not just me, it's what I see with my clients every single day, regardless of the context of their lives or what stage they're at. Is this a deep, very deep, hidden fear? I call it a blind spot of not wanting to take responsibility for that decision. That decision. I did not want to be the one responsible for walking away. Because then what if I made things worse, it would be my fault. Or that, you know, if my children then suffered more, it would be my fault. Or if then, you know, something it if my life was going to be worse than it already was, then that that's my doing because I made a decision to there's an element of admitting defeat as well, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 13:37

By taking that step away, you're like, there's no hope, this is it. But it can be a really impact if you reframe it, it can be such a more empowering thing, can't it? Oh, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

It is, but what keeps women stuck over and over again is they don't want to admit this, but the truth is that I don't want to take responsibility for this decision. You know, if I wait long enough, somebody else will make the decision, or it it the the circumstances will make the decision, and therefore I don't have to then take shoulder all the responsibility, and therefore the possible guilt and even more shame. These are again stories we're telling ourselves, but like just go round and round, exactly, and so that's what I was doing. You know, I you know I wasn't talking to anyone, and and so you know, fast forward a few years and things had just got you know, had hit rock bottom with my health, physical health. Um, you know, I was had a chronic insomnia, I had lost an incredible amount of weight.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

So did he leave the family home, or was it were you just carrying on as if everything was fine on the outside?

SPEAKER_01 14:46

We were partly carrying on as if everything was okay on the outside, and um, you know, luckily for me and the children, he he was in a situation where he could leave and and and live somewhere else for a bit. But it was we were still together but apart, it was just incredibly messy. But yeah, I I had hit rock bottom and I needed to, I I, you know, then finally started reaching out for help by confiding in my closest friends, etc. And interestingly, and again, this is very common. I only know this now because I'm talking about it more and talking to so many other women going through it, sadly, how not uncommon my story is. Um, but at the time I thought, you know, I was the only one that was going through this, is that once I started telling people about the situation, the the one resounding piece of advice I kept on getting from people, people who loved me and cared about me, and were were doing what they thought was the best thing was lawyer up, get some legal advice, make sure you've got good lawyers on your side because you deserve better, you didn't do anything wrong. Now I'm talking pre-no-fault divorces as well, um, where there was still this uh, you know, this space where you could put you know put the blame on somebody else in in some different categories. And you know, I was just like a rabbit stuck in headlights. But I did, I went to the lawyers because that's what everyone told me to do. Um, you know, and and I spent thousands of pounds I didn't really have, it was all my savings because remember I was obviously um but I I went to the lawyers with a broken heart and my head that was just not in the right place at all to be having strategic conversations. Um luckily for me, in a way, I like to use the silver lining, is that I didn't have that financial independence, and so I very quickly ran out of money to continue to have those conversations. Um, and I'm I'm I'm honestly I'm glad that I didn't have the money because I I could have easily burned thousands and thousands of more in legal fees, and sadly, I still see that happening all the time. So I was I was just left with what do I do now? And I knew something in me said, I can't control him and I cannot change the situation. What's happened has happened, but something in me has got to change because I can never let this happen again. Like I can never let this happen again to me. How do I stop this from happening again to me? And there was something really deep in me, and I don't know where it came from, but obviously it is my body's wisdom that just spoke to me in that moment and said, Fahana, something in you has got to change because if it doesn't, this will happen to you again. And it's one of the mottos I live by is if nothing changes, nothing changes, nothing changes, yeah, and we cannot change other people, so you're just left with yourself.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

No, that is so powerful what you just said, because I think so often the instinct is to look outside and to play the blame game and to say if it wasn't for so and so, this wouldn't have happened. But as you said, taking responsibility and looking at our own behaviour, not berating ourselves, not guilt-tripping ourselves, forgiving ourselves if and also introducing forgiveness for the other person in this as well. Because by not forgiving, I love that quote, I think it was Winston Churchill, but not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. No, it's just all you're doing is hurting yourself.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Absolutely, and that's not that's it's so powerful and it's not an easy journey, especially if you were someone like me who just kept everything in and wasn't talking to everybody, and so I was just sort of marinating in my own stories and my own beliefs, etc. But luckily, you know, I did reach out for support. And when I went to see the GP, I was offered um sleeping tablets because I wasn't sleeping at night, antidepressants, um, and referral to to see a therapist. I am not anti-medication, but for me, when I had three very young children at the time and I was completely on my own, uh, I didn't want to take the antidepressants. I didn't think that was going to help me in at that moment. Um, and so I, you know, I I went for the therapy. Now, what I found in my experience is that I saw multiple therapists because I just didn't, I used to walk away from those sessions feeling like nobody really understood me. Nobody really understood that this breakup of my relationship. And by the way, for your listeners, I've been married then for uh about 15 years or so. Yeah, 15 years, and um, and I was like, my god, this this I've never had anyone close to me die, but this feels like grief. Yeah, it did, and I and and I couldn't explain it, but I was like, this feels like somebody's died when they haven't. And so I just felt like I was really suffering from grief with grief, and I there was also the complexity of my cultural background as well, which today I see my client is not just culture, it's it's also different religions that you're brought up with, but also family culture, your family culture, regardless of the colour of your skin and your belief systems, is your family culture can also be so nuanced. And I just found that in therapy, the people that I was seeing may have been good therapists, but they just didn't understand me. So I was walking away feeling more exhausted than empowered because I felt like I'd have to explain myself a lot. But also, I just right then was in such a crisis point in my life. You know, I was at this crossroads of do I stay, do I leave, you know, how am I going to make this work? All the fears of the unknown, of what ifs and you know, how. And it was that how bit and what ifs that just the therapy side just I didn't feel supported in. Like what now? So I understand my patterns, but what now? And and so I'm not here bashing therapy, by the way. You know, I absolutely had its space, and in you know, it's just that it's not what I needed at that time. What I needed was a big sister, is how I could explain it. Like a big sister who just gets it because she's been through it. And at the time, none of my friends had been through it, no one in my family had been through it. I had um I'm very, very privileged to have people that really love me around me. And good family and friends, but they didn't really understand what I was going through when it came to divorce because, like having a baby, it's just such a unique experience. And so I needed that big sister that I didn't feel like I needed to self-censor around because I, you know, didn't feel guilty about offloading onto her because there were those boundaries. But a big sister who would give me that tough love I needed and the practical tools that I needed to help me to move at a pace that allowed me and my body and mind to feel empowered and safe to take action. So I needed something really tangible, practical, where I felt held and safe as well, with somebody with that wisdom and experience in the divorce space. I eventually found that support completely by accident. A story for another time. Another one. Because that's a story in itself. But I didn't know things like coaches existed at the time. Um when I did find out about coaches, I still wasn't convinced that was exactly what I needed. But what I did stumble upon is a shaman. I didn't even know what a shaman was, you know, back then. But I I, you know, came across this woman who um who had who had been through divorce, who looked like me as well, and she just refused to let me stay small. And it was that half love with taking radical responsibility for my life, which felt really uh intense and raw at the time, but my god, it moved me in ways that nothing else did. So much so that that transformation was so visible that people started asking me, what are you doing? For Hana. You are a full-time single parent with you know three children, you have started, you know, you you're you're working, you're juggling, everything, and yet you are, you know, you look great and you're and your kids are doing well. Like, what is going on? And people started to come to me and ask me for advice on single parenting because in my in my former career as a senior leader in schools, that was one of my jobs, talking to parents as well. So people started asking me about single parenting, relationship difficulties, and um I started to see a pattern uh of what people were going through regardless of circumstances, and I really wanted to support women and some men as well in this space, and I realized that there is a gap missing in the divorce um arena, which is not therapy, which is not the lawyers, it's not the financial advisors, all of which are helpful um and can be necessary through the process. But there was a gap in the in the divorce area where women and men were craving for that big sister, you know elder who just gets it, and where they feel seen and heard, where they don't have to explain everything because we get it, we're in that safe space, but someone who can give that real practical hands-on advice on how to day-to-day move things forward, take action, and start seeing change that is going to allow you to stop being stuck and start living the life you want to today. This is not about divorce anymore, this is about just not staying stuck and feeling disempowered and feeling like life is happening to you. And that is a space that I really wanted to create because that's what I needed. That is what I found in a pretty unconventional way. Now, not everyone's going to want to work with a shaman and can work with a shaman, but I wanted to bring something that was a lot more tangible to a wider audience. And when I so when I started my practice, having done some uh getting my qualifications in neurolinguistic uh psychology, NLP, my life coaching, yeah, and some somatic training as well. I um I started doing this work with women and I realized very quickly that it really reminded me of my experience with having a birth doula when I gave birth to my second child.

SPEAKER_00 27:26

Again, it's very much like me, it's exactly like me. I'm all about working with a coach, a doula who's been through it, because anyone can learn the NLP tactics, the life coaching skills, but to actually bring your own life experience, as you say, because you don't want a pity party, you don't want someone to go, oh, there, there, there, you don't want someone to put a sticky plaster on it. You want someone, as you say, a bit of tough love, someone who can say, right, come on then, onwards. Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 27:57

And that's you know, that's really powerful to have somebody who's got your back, who really believes in you, who can see what's on the other side for you because they've been there and done that. Now, going back to 2007, when I had, you know, my middle child and I had a home birth and I had a birth doula, an incredible woman called Sarah. She not only was saying to me at that point where I just thought, I can't do this anymore. She not was only saying to me, Yes, you bloody can, you're not giving up, but there came a point where she was like, just worked with my body. And she would just say, Stay with me and breathe. And she would get me to breathe, she would get me to bear down on her, she was getting me to do a lot of somatic things because by that time I couldn't think anymore and I couldn't hear anymore, but I could feel, and that she worked with my body, you know, she worked with my body to make my body feel safe through doing various practical techniques like breath work with me, movement, getting me to move my hips, etc. And she would she danced with me, and it was all these different processes, as well as working with the mind and helping me to, you know, to to reframe the mind, but also to integrate that and embody that into my body at that moment, which allowed me to then have this really beautiful, smooth birth and you know, be holding my baby on the other side. And I remember as we were doing these breath, these breathing exercises, her saying to me, Fahana, she was holding my vision for me on the other side. You see, she could see that beautiful baby on the other side, she could see it. I couldn't at the time because right then my nervous system was in survival. Okay, all I was thinking is, I'm gonna die, I can't survive this. And she could see my baby, and so she was saying, Fahana, there is no way around this, you know, there's no shortcut. You and I have this baby, you're gonna have to move through this, you're gonna have to move through this, and we're gonna we're gonna do it. And so, and then she stopped talking to me and worked with my body, and that is what I do with my clients, you know, it is a rebirth or the next version of you into the next season of your life, and to do that, you cannot talk your way through it. That is not enough. That is not gonna give you that, it might help to move you to a certain extent, but it's not gonna give you the long-lasting transformation that will carry you into the next version of your life in a way that you couldn't imagine if you do not bring the mind and the body on the same side. And so the more I did this work, because I not only work with the mind, but I'm also using somatic processes like breath work, like movement, sound, touch to really embody what the mind already knows. That's when I realize I'm not, I'm, I'm not a coach, I'm not, I've never been a therapist, I'm I'm a doula, I'm a divorce doula, not a birth doula, but a divorce doula. And so that is how the divorce doula came about. And yeah, I'm very proud to call myself the UK's first divorce doula. Um, it was terrifying for me to call myself that at first because I felt like it was incredibly audacious um to say that.

SPEAKER_00 31:29

Nothing wrong with being audacious, though. I mean, the title of our episode is you know, how to step through the doorway of divorce. And to me, that really encapsulates, as you said, yes, the change, yes, the the fear, for want of a better word, of the unknown, but the fact that it by moving forward, by going through the doorway, you are stepping into that next chapter, you are stepping into the rest of your life, you're not staying stuck, you're moving and you're moving forward. So I think that would be a lovely link to perhaps start talking through your insights, your lessons learned that you can share with our listeners. Because even if our listeners aren't going through divorce or or have been the guarantee we're gonna know someone, we're gonna know someone.

SPEAKER_01 32:22

100% Kate. And that's what I always say to everyone I meet is that um maybe this is relevant for you, maybe it's not, but I 100% guarantee that you are very likely to know somebody very close to you, or perhaps a colleague who is really struggling right now in some way or another with relationship, or maybe going through um rebuilding life on the other side of a breakup as well. And so you know, you will absolutely be able to help them as well. So I know this sounds really simple, and in fact, last week I was at a dinner and I was explaining to a woman what I did, and she said, Well, you know, like for Hana, like where do where do what's been the biggest thing for you? What's been the most powerful shift for you that's allowed you to really transform your life? She said, What's the one thing? And I said, It's my breath. It was returning to my breath, understanding how powerful my breath was. And she looked at me and she said, Is that it? And you know, I know it sounds incredibly simple, but the simple things in life are so taken for granted that sometimes we just forget about them because they, you know, you say, Oh, well, it's a breath, you know, I can't, you know, I'm always breathing, so I've got that. But actually, the hard bit is doing this work intentionally because when you work intentionally with your breath, when you have an intentional practice that's consistent, ideally daily, you are going to experience how powerful this one simple life-giving tool is. Because when you learn to work with your breath, you are learning to work with your body. When you learn to work with your body, you will understand when the body is not feeling safe and it is shrinking and shutting down and numbing off. I'm sure a lot of your listeners will be able to resonate with this on one level or another, or when your breath is actually empowering you because you are breathing to come back from maybe a state where you're feeling a little bit anxious, a little bit stressed, to becoming grounded again, to feeling steady again, to feeling solid under your two feet, that the ground under your feet is feeling firm.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

And when you're that awareness, isn't it? It's that awareness of oh, say mindfulness as well, just bringing being completely there in the moment now. So you're not thinking about what's happened, you're not worrying or uh getting overwhelmed by what's to come, but you're just like right now, what I need is this, what I'm feeling is this.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

Exactly, and it's that right now moment, that right now, and that next right now, that next right now, which when you just take that one breath in through the nose and out through the nose, through the mouth, it doesn't matter, just taking that breath, that pause, can change everything from reacting to a situation or to somebody to being able to respond, or maybe saying nothing at all, because that silence can can change everything as well. So I would I would say to anybody, no matter what stage you're at, what circumstance, and you sometimes sometimes people say to me, Oh, Fahan, I went to a breath work workshop, it was brilliant, it's great. Yes, I know all about breath work, I do it in my yoga, etc. That's great, and they can be very powerful experiences. But what I'm inviting your listeners to do is to actually start today a practice of just connecting with your breath, and that is you don't need a meditation um cushion for this, you don't need to go and book classes, you don't need leggings for this, you don't need anything. In fact, after this episode, I invite you for set your um timer for five minutes, switch off everything, and just sit comfortably with your head up vertical and your feet on the ground, and just breathe in through your nose and out, and that's it. And you will see how even in that moment, it how it shifts your energy. Because when you shift your energy, you're gonna feel more calm. When you feel more calm, you can think more clearly. When you can think more clearly, you are infinitely going to make better decisions, whatever, no matter how small to how big that is, even if the anxiety picks up again just after it, you can return to the breath. It's free, it's yours, nobody can take it away apart. It's like a reset, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 37:36

It's like that reset when everything is just like it's just like no, just pause, pause exactly.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

So you can use that when you're having a difficult conversation with your partner, soon to be ex or ex, you know. You can have that, you can use that tool when you're having a conversation with the lawyers, with your mediators at work, asking for time off with your children. I mean, no matter what your situation is, that tool, you are going to keep on coming back to it. And once if you can have a daily practice of it, and once you start to see the power of it, my God, you're gonna see yourself using it over and over again. And nobody can take it away from you. Nobody can see it. You can use it in the supermarket, you know, anywhere. So that's I know it's simple, but it's not easy.

SPEAKER_00 38:21

Often the best, often the best. Why overcomplicate it? I love it.

SPEAKER_01 38:25

Exactly. And I can't, you know, for me who's been practicing this for the last 10 years, I can't hear this enough. Every time I hear somebody say it in a talk at an event I'm in in a workshop, I think, oh yes, the breath. Because you just life is busy and there's a lot of noise, and we can forget. That would be my first thing I would say. The second thing I oh, sorry, the one thing I wanted to add is that if this is something that you know you think, oh, you know, I don't have the time, and my mind just goes off places, and there's so many reasons that we can't do this. I did this, and I and I really invite everyone else to is download an app that will help you to get into a habit. There's some great apps out there, I'm not affiliated to any of them, but I started off by using um, it's called Miracle Mind app, and um it's it's completely free, and it is just about they they call it meditation, I call it connecting with your breath, but it's something you can do daily, just seven minutes, um, and that's it, just breathing in and out for seven minutes, and it helps you to get into a nice practice. So there's there's the um Miracle Mind app, the other one is there's Calm and there's Insight Timer, they're the other popular ones I know, and I and I know with both of them there's free versions. So don't be don't be shy to use those. If that helps and supports you, my God, do it. Yeah, um and the other thing I would say is if you want support, ask for it. Because if people don't know, they cannot help you. Don't make assumptions that people don't want to help you, that because of your situation, that you can't get the support, because uh there is support out there, there is so much different support out there. Some of it's free, some of it's paid. But if you don't ask, the answers are always no. You know, I I asked for support at the beginning, and there were people who really gave me a huge leg up in ways that you know I could not I could not have moved forward without that support. But I asked, it was uncomfortable, it was really, really scary, it hurt my ego. But when I asked, I got the support I needed so that I could move forward. So I would say ask for ask for help. Um these might seem like really simple, they're not you know mind-blowing tips, but they're also sometimes it's these basic things that are become the foundations of what we build the next chapter on.

SPEAKER_00 41:12

Absolutely. And like you were saying about asking for help, and I I'd like to add, and like people might be thinking, oh, yeah, ask for help, that sounds great. And I was like, yeah, ask for help, but like with yourself, if if you get help and it's not sitting right with you, don't be afraid to think perhaps this isn't what I'm looking for, absolutely, and explore other things that are out there. And as you say, speak to women and men that are going through a similar scenario, find groups, you know, find your new tribe that can help you as well.

SPEAKER_01 41:43

Absolutely. And and I think what you've just said is really important is don't be afraid to walk away from something that doesn't feel right just because other people say, you know, this is you have to do this, you have to do that. Again, when you connect with your breath and start doing that daily practice of just connecting with yourself and starting to notice through your breath where you may be holding tension or how you know relieved it feels to just pause, you're going to make you're going to start to notice when things don't feel good in your body. You know, that's when we talk about intuition, the gut, the gut, the body's wisdom knows when something feels off or something feels right. It doesn't have to make sense. But when you start connecting with your body and listening to that, taking action on that, it always works out. I'll go as far as to saying that it always works out, even if it doesn't make sense at the time.

SPEAKER_00 42:44

It's giving yourself that permission, isn't it? Without the I'm a failure, oh my goodness, this is something else that is change. Oh my no.

SPEAKER_01 42:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:52

It's not right for you. It doesn't have you know, it's not right for everyone.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

There are different yeah, and so on that point about asking for help, um, you know, so one of the reasons that I wrote she's not done yet, is because I always wanted to write a book and I thought I would write it, you know, one day, many, many years from now, when I was retired and I had, you know, endless days to myself, or if I got an amazing publishing deal and someone was paying for me to ponder and drink lots of tea, none of that has happened yet, uh, yet. But one of the biggest drivers for me writing She's Not Done Yet is because there are so many women who come into my world who are not ready to do the work that I have on offer just yet. I'm not in a position to do the work that I offer just yet. Or, you know, just don't want to. It doesn't matter. No judgment at all, but they are women who uh refuse to stay stuck and are longing, longing to live a life they just feel so good about. They have tried everything and they know that this isn't it. They might not be ready for this work, but they are ready to move forward, and so that's why I I wrote the book because I wanted to be able to touch as many lives as I could through the wisdom of my own experience and through the the many incredible brave women that I have had the privilege of working with and witnessing their transformation in ways that still today blows my mind. And I talk about their stories in the book as well, of where they started and you know how they transformed their lives. And so the the book is very much there to give people that what I call that the glasses moment. The book is a is you know, uh there's a story I say about the book is you spent your whole life just squinting and things feeling a little bit blurry and off. And you know, as a child, you you you you told your caregivers or your parents, you know, I I can't see properly, blah blah blah. And they're just like, stop making a fuss, you know, nice girls, good girls, don't make a fuss. This is just how it is. Put up and shut up. And so you do because you want to be a good girl and you want to be a nice girl, so you squint your way through life and rub your eyes and blurry until one day you're like, This just can't be it, you know. There's there's gotta be a better way, and you finally pick up those glasses and put them on, and and suddenly just everything becomes so clear, so sharp, so undeniably different. And once you see, you can't unsee. Can't unsee it, no, can't, and so that's what the the book. I hope my intention is, will do is that when you read these collections of stories of other women's transformation, including my own as well. And the books also helps to guide you through that daily practice of just being able to pause, arrive, take that breath. Um, I I hope it will shift your perspective on whatever you're going through. It's is not just about divorce, it is about women who refuse to stay stuck no matter what is going on in their lives.

SPEAKER_00 46:44

No, I love that. Because I'll say one of the phrases you use, which I think epitomizes your insights, is turning this mess into your masterpiece. And I think that that that's a real key takeaway from our conversation because if you are feeling stuck, obviously we'll be giving your contact details in a little while and how people can get people, yeah. Listeners can get hold of your book, but it is about living into your news story, isn't it? And choosing to do it your way.

SPEAKER_01 47:14

Absolutely, absolutely. Um if there's one thing I want people to really take from this conversation is take responsibility for your life, your life is only going to change when you make choices, when you make those decisions, especially the ones that you are avoiding, no matter how the other person is or what the situation is, is when you take that responsibility for your choices, for your decisions, how you see yourself, your life is inevitably, inevitably going to change.

SPEAKER_00 48:07

I love that. I love that, and it's such a positive, empowering note as well. Because I say we're talking about stepping through the doorway, and I say we will be giving, I've got the book here, I've got the book here, listeners. Uh, how listeners can get in touch uh with yourself and obviously have a chat with you, get your book. But first, you're not going to avoid the three questions that I ask each of my fabulous guests. And I'm interested if perhaps this anthem has got you through the the darker times really and made you as you are now. So your midlife anthem, what is it? Is there one? Is there more than one?

SPEAKER_01 48:43

I love this question, and I've had so much fun thinking about it. Um, because immediately the the the anthem that comes to me, which is the one that was at the beginning of my journey and very much through it, was um Alicia Key's uh Girl on Fire. Oh yeah, yeah, I I I love that song. I still love that song, but as we know in midlife, we are evolving and we are moving through so many different seasons of our life. And today, as um a published author, you know, and and uh having this award-winning business, things have really evolved for me. And so today, in this moment, my anthem is about damn time by Lizzo. And yeah, it's just a really um, it's a really empowering loud song that just really matches my energy now of nothing is gonna get in my way. I refuse to stay stuck, I refuse to see women staying stuck in midlife and woman, it's about damn time.

SPEAKER_00 49:59

I love that. Now, does does that link into your second question? What is your midlife mantra? Are the two linked together?

SPEAKER_01 50:08

Interestingly, they are, they are. Um, because yeah, uh about damn time is is pretty strong, and so is my mantra, which is no is not an option, and I really live by that. I've seen what I have created since seeing my divorce as a doorway into the next version of my life, and it has always been no is not an option. That is my that is part of my mantra mantra, but also this be delusional, make audacious moves, and have faith in a force beyond you.

SPEAKER_00 50:52

I like that. Make audacious moves, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:55

Absolutely. No is not an option, but be delusional, make audacious moves, and have faith in a force beyond you, and you are gonna be winning.

SPEAKER_00 51:08

Oh yeah. Powerful stuff, powerful stuff. Now, obviously, you've written she's not done yet, but my third question is what is the title of your autobiography? So, if you were to write a different uh a continuation of your story, what would the title be?

SPEAKER_01 51:26

Love this so much. So the title of my auto autobiography is Red Lipstick and Tough Love.

SPEAKER_00 51:36

I think I could borrow that as well. We're both we're fellow red lipstick fans and we're all about the tough love. So work with someone who's been through it, who gets you, and who's got your back is such a powerful, powerful thing. Because we don't want sticking plasters, we don't want someone to go there there. You know, we don't want a pity party, we want a power, a power party. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 52:00

We want a power party, and we want to be wearing that red lipstick that says, Look at me, because if I can, you can. With a bit of tough love and some red lipstick, we're gonna get there and it's gonna be fun.

SPEAKER_00 52:12

Yes, we wear it for ourselves, we don't wear it for anyone else. So, yeah, grab that lipstick and how can listeners get in contact with you?

SPEAKER_01 52:20

Right. Well, you can come and visit my website at www.mydivorceddoula.org.uk. Come and have a nosy around there. There's um lots of uh free information in the way of blogs there, um, or offers of my group programs, my private support on there. The best way that you can stay in touch with me, and if you've enjoyed this conversation and want more of this, then the very best thing I can offer you are my private letters. So I know Kate, you're gonna put a link below uh for the private letters, but why I invite everyone to the private letters is that these are letters that I send out twice a week. They're not too long, but they are deep. I dive into spaces that I don't talk about anywhere else on social media or in my content, and they are the place that you can find out first about anything new that I'm offering, any special offers I have, and um, yeah, it's also completely free. So come and give it a go, sign up. If you don't like it, you can unsubscribe. Excellent. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:37

So that's and your book is that available on Amazon via the website? Yep.

SPEAKER_01 53:42

Yep, it's available on Amazon, so the link for that will be below. But also you can follow me on LinkedIn, Instagram as well. I'm I'm there regularly.

SPEAKER_00 53:54

Excellent. Well, listeners, I'd love your feedback on today's episode. So much wonderful information, so many insights. So it would be fabulous if you could leave a review and you can email or text me via the link in the show notes and come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group too. Again, the links in the show notes, where you'll find the website link where Fahana's got her guest profile and there's details all about me. You can connect with me there and find details of my one-to-one coaching and more. Doors are now open for it's my award-winning all-in-one coaching program. So there's one-to-one sessions with me and group sessions as well. And no self-study because I've listened to feedback, and self-study is just something that gets you even more anxious. So we've got WhatsApp. What well I put my teeth in. What more could you want? Well, thank you so much for joining me for Hana today. I really enjoyed our conversation. Thank you for being so open, so honest, because that's what Midlife Unlimited is all about. Uh, thank you for listening. Don't forget, there's a new episode every Thursday available wherever you get your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living midlife unlimited. Thanks ever so much, Mahana. Bye. Thank you.