How to Feel Sexy After 50 with Guest Dr Julie Merriman

Are you feeling more "meh" than "mwah!?

Has sexy time disappeared off your radar, and you'd rather be chilling with a good book than getting down and dirty with your other half... or finding a spark with someone new?

We don't talk about "It" enough here on Midlife Unlimited, so brace yourself for a rather sexy episode as I'm joined by Dr Julie Merriman.

We examine how the role of sex changes in Midlife, as it becomes something to explore purely for pleasure and connection.

Dr Julie shares her own Midlife metamorphosis from "living on fumes and self-abandonment" to feeling alive and purposeful - and feeling sexy in her own skin again.

And Dr Julie, author of Are We Going To Have Sex or What?, shares her insights and advice from her 25 years of clinical work for how we can reignite desire, reclaim our bodies and feel fully alive in our fifth decade and beyond.

Connect with Dr Julie

https://www.juliemerrimanphd.com/

https://www.facebook.com/people/Dr-Julie-Merriman-Wellness-LLC/

https://www.instagram.com/dr.juliemerriman/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-julie-merriman/

Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:01

Welcome to Midlife Unlimited, the podcast for women who want more. I'm your host, Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis coach, and I know what it feels like to be stuck navigating the midlife maze. I've looked in the mirror and thought, who is that woman? So Midlife Unlimited is here to let you know you are not alone. You don't have to put on a brave face and put up with it. You don't have to play it safe. Midlife Unlimited is all about ripping off that mask and telling it like it really is. Nothing is off limits because together there's no limit to what we can achieve. So welcome to today's episode. Now are you feeling more meh than mwa? Has sexy time disappeared off your radar? And you'd really rather be chilling with a good book or being at one with nature than getting down and dirty with your other half, or heaven forbid, finding a spot with someone new. Well, we don't talk about it enough here on Midlife Unlimited. So embrace yourself, listeners, for a rather sexy episode. Because I'm calling in the expert, and I'm delighted to be joined by my guest today, Dr. Julie Merriman, counsellor, educator, licensed clinician, speaker, and author to talk about how to feel sexy after 50. So welcome, Julie. It's fabulous to have you here. I am delighted to be here. Thank you so much for having me, Katie. Well, it's my absolute pleasure because sex, there I said it. Whether we're getting it or not, we just don't talk about it enough in midlife, do we? We I think we're so many taboos, we're scared, we're embarrassed. We should be talking more, shouldn't we?

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Oh lord, yes. We have to normalize it. We have to, I like to say, plop something down and poke, you know, put it on the table, poke it around, talk about it. And especially, I know, like I'm 63, I was born in the early 60s. We grew up in a very different time where there was a lot of shame. And um, oh, how dare a woman, you know, expi uh enjoy sex. Oh my lord, you know, that's not gonna happen. I mean, you think about research, it wasn't until I I think the early 60s that the Masters and Johnson research even came out, maybe it was later than that, where it really talked about orgasms and that women could enjoy sex and that it's okay, we're not gonna shame ourselves. Or it's a very natural, it's a gift. It is a gift to be able to enjoy sex, and it's not always about the orgasm, don't get me wrong there.

SPEAKER_02 3:02

But I'm just saying it hasn't we I'm glad you said that word because I was about to fling it into the mix as well. Because I think sex in midwife in midwife almost said, no, we've done that, we've been there. That's that's part of the point. So much is changing, and I know I've been from a bit gone from a bit of a goer to nah, it's me, I'm the one with the good book, because it's just I've just gone off it. I really nothing, no offense to anyone involved, and I'm sure I'm not alone, but we just don't talk about it enough, and it's not that I don't feel sexy in myself, it's it's not a body image thing. I think it's just a bit of a I don't know if it's can't be asked, I don't know if it's just not on my radar, as I said in the intro. But obviously that's not the same for everyone, and we're going to be talking because that there is no right or wrong. And I think very much in midlife as well, we're going through so many changes, physical and mental. And I think the attitude to sex, particularly as you say, I mean, I'm 57, I've just had a birthday. The the way we were brought up in terms of you know, behaving yourself, don't be a hussy, or you know, all these words that you know, don't be loose, don't be, don't sleep around, don't do this, don't do that, be you know, behave yourself. So we've got all that that's been kind of crammed into our heads, you know, not talking about clitorises, not you know, not being at one with our own sexuality and sex organs, but also the fact that now the whole in midlife, the whole reason and meaning of sex has shifted, isn't it? It's no longer about making babies, if that was what we were trying to do. It's now we can actually enjoy it just because it's sex.

SPEAKER_00 4:57

Just because it's fun, just because it's connection, just you know, a lot of things are happening to us gals over 50. First, hormones are very different than they were in our 20s uh or 30s. Um, so the way we feel in our body is very different. There's also an allostatic load, a a a years of having lived life load where we the pressure to take care of everyone, uh, be the emotional laborer for everyone, carry everyone's emotional labor, scan the environment, see what people need. Hell before they even know, before they even know they need it.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

Absolutely. Be the rescuer, be the protector, be the literally whether we're a mother or not, it's that whole mother of hen taking control, taking all the pressure off. Oh god, yeah. Exhaust.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

Yeah, yeah, uh I'll carry it. You don't worry, you know. So so we have denied ourselves to receive pleasure for a lot of years, exacerbated by hormones. We need our hormones. I see my guy monthly, you know, with that that that's an important component, but also that allostatic load for us to really look at where the hell did pleasure go? What why don't I care about desire? Where's desire? So many of us have a very um skewed idea about desire. Um, only about 10% of women, period, have spontaneous desire where they just wake up horny and go, you know, and that probably was in their 20s, if and when that happened for them. Most women, the other 90 to 85 percent of us, it's it's responsive desire, it's very contextual. And so we arrive after 50. Maybe we're in a marriage where it's like this roommate kind of marriage where you know we we look across with that and like a that pair of jeans that you really like putting on because they're comfortable, they're comfortable, like their company, but yeah, we raised kids, we did all the busy crap, and and we the relationship kind of took a back seat. And then when you're empty nesting, you look across at the breakfast table and go, Who the hell are you? And why don't you know where my clitoris is? Maybe not all in that one sentence, but the there's so much in this bag to really uh discern. But first, we have to give reverence to and hold space for that allostatic load, years of running on a cocktail of adrenaline and cortisol to keep ourselves going, pushing through deadlines where we had rather just go forget it, but no, we're the responsible one, we overfunction. Last thing I have to do today, let me push through that. And you fall into bed at midnight, and then he touches you or she, and you're like, You're just braced, like one more thing, forget it. Uh and so I'm talking about nervous system dysregulation here that really plays into how we live life. And I've been a clinician for 30 years. I um when I first and a professor, I train counselors into the field. I I run a pro, in fact, I'm a department head, I run a program at a university where it's a 60-hour master's here in the States that you know they graduate as a counselor. All that to say, when I very first started 30 years ago, uh Poor Hayes, Dr. Stephen Poor Hayes, had not done all his research on the polyvagal system and just how important our nervous system is. And I think that I, as an experienced clinician, I'm really relooking how I address mental health. I think we're doing a disservice if we just look at psychology. We have to look at physiology and we have to look at biology, all of the body, mind, and soul, if you will, it all comes together. But as we approach our 50s, midlife, then you know, that next stage, I think it's important that we really assess where are we with our mental health, body, mind, and soul, because that is showing up in the bedroom. I promise. We've lost connection, we've lost connection to desire. Girl, here's what happens our brain is so wise, so wise. And if we are in this dysregulated, really think about the pressure cooker. I gotta get this done, I gotta get that done. Oh, we've been in that for 20 years or better, and our the frontal cortex, the insular cortex, has learned, well, I've got to conserve energy. And this chick, she is in fight or flight. We're taking desire and pleasure off the table. Absolutely to conserve energy. So we so we wake up and wonder uh why don't I want sex? Well, we've taught our body not to, not not meaning to. I'm not blaming anyone. This is a uh a precious hug, if you will, that we've done these things to ourselves so we can undo these things, yay.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Yeah, and I'm delighted you're going to be sharing your top insights really later on in the episode. But I think we've we've touched on it, and I would like to explore it a little bit more because sex in midlife. Obviously, I've put my hand up and said, No, I don't really feel like it very much at the moment. Sorry, mate, you know, no offense to anyone. And obviously, I we've titled the episode How to Feel Sexy After 50. And for me, feeling sexy, it's a it's a two-part thing that we've alluded to because obviously there's the actual desire that we're going to be talking more about, and our nervous system, and how they really are so intertwined. And I'm I'm really intrigued to find out more about that. But I I'd like to say, from my point of view, that feeling sexy as well, a lot of it does play into how, and I don't mean self-confidence, I don't mean wearing revealing, you know, deep v-neck tops and that kind of thing. But to me, feeling sexy is part of how we feel about ourselves. And when I say loving ourselves, I don't just mean masturbation, although I do think that is something that now we are taking back our power a bit. Now we are getting to know this woman that we might have been put on the back burner. As you say, we've kind of like sex is if we're not too exhausted, we'll do it. If you know, orgasms, maybe we fake them just to get through the the event, shall we say? And now it is time to actually have a bit of self-love and feel sexy just for ourselves rather than feel sexy for other people, because it's about it starts here, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00 12:02

Desire starts, it's an inside job. It it's not uh uh it starts within us, absolutely it does, and you know, feeling sexy really is about feeling confident, really is about showing up as your authentic self without apology, and that uh that our brain after 50 is so it's really a unique time because we have lost the estrogen piece. Uh and estrogen has a big part of our brain function beyond reproduction function, and it really helped us have a lot of tolerance when we were younger. I mean, you know, I look back and think, how in the hell did I do that? You know, and it's I mean, I was raising two young, two young boys as a single mother, working on my PhD, holding three jobs. And I think, how in the hell did I do that? Well, I had lots of estrogen pulsing through my body and lots of tolerance of things that I wouldn't. So now, after 50, it's really the best time biologically for us to assess where our life is and change things we want to change because we wake up one day going, What the hell? Whose life is this? Yeah, I don't even feel like I'm living it. Yeah, is this all there is? That can be an identity crisis, or we can reframe it as the most exciting time to really find ours, find how we want to expand that next chapter and how we want pleasure and desire to show up. And it is an inside job. I do a lot of chakra and psychology and somatic psychology in my work. Um I'm also trained as a yoga instructor, and I went and did that just because um I found that we can be talking heads, talk these talking heads of competence that are not attached to a body whatsoever. We're just kind of floating like a balloon, trying to think our way through things. Um, and that, yeah, we pleasure lives in your body. That's a body experience. So I found if I move people, if I get them to do things at now, this was just me doing therapy. I tripped across this and I was like, oh hell, I've got to get people somatically in their body. And chakra, the chakra psychology, if I if I have my neuroscientist hat on, I'm gonna talk to you about the polyvagal theory and the vagus nerve. If I have my yoga hat on, I'm talking to you about the chakras. Girl, they are the same thing, just different language. They're running through the same parts of our body. So I found that teaching my ladies about chakras and what it feels like when they're imbalanced, not in a woo-woo way, but in a in a way it's not concrete, but it felt more concrete.

SPEAKER_02 14:58

She's got goats as well. That's all I'm saying. There are goats with the yoga. I'm coming to Texas.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

I'm coming to Texas. Please do. Frank is my baby. I just raised in diapers. He just got out of the house. That anyway, his mother wouldn't take him, so I had to bottle feed him. And uh, it was quite fun. But when we get in our body, and and it's it's it's so important because where where do you have your orgasm? It's I mean, it's a body, mind, and soul kind of thing. It's not just in your head, so it's very important to get embodied and understand what's happening in your energy centers, and have your body be a safe place to be again because for years it hasn't felt safe. We have um, and that's your root chakra. It's very imbalanced after that allostatic load of years of pushing yourself, faking orgasms, obligatory sex, not uh not having the language to ask for what you want and not believing you deserve it. That receiving peace is very big. Yeah, I think we are really good at give. Oh, huge. We can give all day long, but when someone comes to receive, and I see it, the ladies I work with, I can feel it immediately. They're kind of pushing back, even if it's a compliment. Oh, well, it was cheap.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

It feels uncomfortable, doesn't it? Yeah, it's just feeling like almost apologizing for wanting the lack of self-worth. I know we talk about that a lot. I mean, there's a brilliant phrase that well, a quote from you that I'm gonna quote right back at you because I just thought I love that. It just sums up how we can feel in this midlife time of reassessment, feeling you've secretly failed a test that no one's told you about. And I think the whole idea as well, if you add comparison itis when we look around us, especially with all the blinking social media, where everyone's looking gorgeous, they're having a fabulous relationship, their lives are wonderful. No, they're not, are they? But it just adds to that feeling, yeah. Doesn't it add to us feeling even worse then?

SPEAKER_00 17:15

Oh, absolutely. They just have good editors, that's they have good editors and good cameras, but but yes, and comparison, I mean, that's that is a disease, that's a cancer that that we really have to look at and wrap our arms around where is that coming from. We I do a lot of inner child work too, because we didn't just arrive here today. There, there's a whole history that we bring, and we need to look at that history, we need to understand what we encoded, what we put in as fact when we were five years old is not fact at 63. I really need to discern the narrative I'm running my life by because we all have it. There's a theorist, Mark White is a great theorist who developed this theory, but the narrative, narrative therapy really helps women stop and think, what am I running? What is the narrative running my life? It's such a lot of people. Yeah, yes, and how is it impacting me here and now and how I live in my body and what I believe about myself? I will even give ladies, we'll make um these little books. I mean, it's real high tech, hold some papers together, you know, and make a cover. I I'm also trained as a play therapist, I like it to be fun sometimes, but you make these little books. Yeah. Oh, the fun, yeah, we take ourselves too damn serious, and then we show up in the bedroom, which is the biggest playroom in the house, as these uptight, um, and we wonder, we wonder, but the book is called the rule book, and the the goal is every time I tell myself I shouldn't do something or I should do something or I must, or those are words to really explore. Says who those are rules we're running our narrative by that probably don't serve us anymore, that we probably couldn't say who told us that, or oh my god, that's my grandmother's voice in my head. I mean, it's it's important.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

Absolutely. No, you just hit regular listeners will know that my view on should is when we find ourselves saying, I should do this, yeah, absolutely. It's someone else's voice in your head. And as you say, you really need to say why, why am I saying this? Is it a must? If it is a must, then we put a plan in place to get it done as soon as possible so we stop wasting time thinking about it. If it isn't, get rid of it, kick it out.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

That's right. That I mean, we might even do a ceremony where we burn it, and you know that I like just really should.

SPEAKER_02 19:57

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:59

Just burn the and Ellis had a Albert Ellis is a theorist too, and he called it mustipatory. He's a CBT theorist, and I loved it. But the musturatory are those shoulds and must, and all these things we that and think what that does to your nervous system as you think, oh, I gotta be doing this. I you're dysregulated, you're not in a regulated state. So our thoughts play a big role in how we're experiencing things as well. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Now, obviously, I mentioned in the introduction that you're an author, and I know when it comes to talking through your advice, it might be sensible, sensible, I don't like that word, perhaps to base it on one of one of the frameworks from one of your books. How would that work, do you think? Because I know you've got the radiance model, haven't you?

SPEAKER_00 20:47

I I do have the radiance model. Um, it's in my book, Are We Gonna Have Sex or What? And I really build the book on brilliant title. Are we have sex or what? That, my friend, is what I said to my husband on our first date when 35 years ago. Um I'm older, I had to kind of pull him along. We had we'd flirted for about six months, and I was done flirting, you know. Yeah, a woman in the business party.

SPEAKER_02 21:19

And that's the thing. You see, now we can't find out what we want. We can it's okay to actually say to ourselves, what do I want? Often that involves asking, What don't I want anymore? Because often it's easier to know what you don't want than what you want. Because sometimes it's like going to see Father Christmas, and when if you you know, what would you like for Christmas? I don't know. Oh it's overwhelming. Yeah, yes, it's too much, it's too big a thing. Whereas sometimes, if we are feeling this kind of unsexiness, I mean I'm sorry, I'm jumping in before we get to your your insights, they're gonna be far better than mine, but I think sometimes. It's like, well, I don't want this anymore, or this, I don't want to feel, as you say, the kind of lumpy, bumpy. Am I itchy? All these things are like not feeling right on my body. It's and tell your partner that. Oh, absolutely. This is not helping you feel sexy.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

That is such a good point. I've done a lot of marriage counseling over the 30 years. I enjoy marriage counseling, and it always stunned me. And I don't know why. I've always been pretty comfortable with my sexuality. I don't know why. Because mother didn't even talk to me about sex. So I don't know. But I find it's been stunning to me couples that never even talk about sex. They've been married for years and years and years. Well, did you talk about it? Oh, we wouldn't talk about that. Well, you're you're you're having sex and you're not talking about it. There's a lot of shame around that.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

Yeah, absolutely. And I think now, perhaps, if listeners are feeling like I am, you know, we're not alone in this, we're talking about it now. It almost thinks like, well, God, I don't want it. If I actually mention sex at all, that might be like opening up the conversation. Then I've got to do something about it. It's like, uh, we're much better off not. Well, let's put something on Netflix and not talk about it at all. Let's pretend, you know, put the elephant over there. Let's not have the conversation.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

Right. And and we do that, and it just makes things worse because that elephant, it's it's not going anywhere until you talk about it. It's only going to be eating peanuts and getting fatter. It's best to have those conversations, those hard conversations. And I give some scripts in the book actually to try and help people get over that hump because there's fear and there's uh there's uh am I gonna be abandoned? Am I gonna be unloved?

SPEAKER_02 24:01

Offending someone or hurting your partner's feelings as well. That thought of if you can't find a balance, it's like it's that awful phrase, isn't it? It's not, it's not you, it's me. But sometimes that is what you need to say. But that phrase has got such an added weight to it, hasn't it?

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Oh, it does, and yeah, and brings up all kinds of cliches and and things. Um, but in the book, I give a pattern, uh, it's almost like a sandwich. Um, I've been an administrator for years, and when you're you're talking to faculty that need to be talked to, you give a compliment, give the problem, give a compliment, you know, kind of sandwich it. But uh works, yeah. But the rule also is to have those conversations clothed and at the kitchen table on a park bench or somewhere where you're not vulnerable, no, and you can not on your line, but with your legs are kimbo going.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

Yeah, I've been meaning to tell you, darling, that this isn't for me. Put my night.

SPEAKER_00 25:09

Oh god. If you don't mind, yeah, that's not the time to have it.

SPEAKER_02 25:16

Uh we can yeah, don't do it when you're listening to Midlife Unlimited, please, because that would make me feel really odd.

SPEAKER_00 25:24

Right. So yes, but but there's a way to do it where you approach it also as uh um almost like a experiment. Oh, this would be fun. Why don't we experiment about that? Oh, what about you say it's a playroom? Yeah, yes, yeah, yeah, because what happens with desire too, it needs novelty, it needs playfulness, it needs that sacral chakra to be because that's the flow, that's a water is the symbol for your sacral chakra to really release. So, yeah, play. But so the the model, the radiance model, it's the radiance reset model, and it's it's five phases. You reclaim uh separate from what you were taught is true for you now, it's reclaiming your story, your voice, and um your right to pleasure without apology. That's a lot of throat chakra work there too. We it's um I'm also well, I'm also trained in a technique called emotional transformation therapy, and it lines up with your chakras, but it as I work with ladies and whatever technique we're working in, I'm shocked with how tight her throat usually is. She has swallowed her truth to keep the peace for so many years that that throat chakra is almost like cement. It we really have to work for her truth to come forward, and sometimes we don't even know our damn truth anymore because we've lied or we've been fearful to speak it for so long, and it's it's so fun to watch her get re-empowered.

SPEAKER_02 27:01

I mean, she just walks is this exercises or is it writing how you're feeling, or a combination of all sorts?

SPEAKER_00 27:11

Uh combination, but I have her um our vagus nerve runs through our throat. So uh big deep breath, two little breaths on top, and then a loud oh out. Where if you have a room full of women doing that, it sounds like a bunch of orgasms going off. Yeah, I love that. But that really we're working for vagal tone, and you'll find even if you're starting to feel a bit dysregulated to do that will help you regulate yourself again. So um screaming into a pillow. Um, I I point out to my I have a shop out an office out in my barn out there, and I've got a punching bag out in the um in the barn. So I might have her put on the punch the gloves and just beat the pajeebers out of that punching bag, trying to move some energy through her throat as well and making lots of throat noises as as we're doing that. Uh you can do the same thing with a uh pillow and a tennis racket, just really I'm not teaching people to be violent, I'm trying to teach them. Well, it's release, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 28:20

Because I I think there's so much that we've done, and we've we've touched on this, but we we've kind of held stuff in, we've held it all together, we we've taken responsibility for things, half of which we really didn't need to take on board and take responsibility for, but we did it because it was expected of us, and of course, you know, we can do anything. Oh, bring it on, and we've held it, and in doing so, we've almost been suffocating ourselves, haven't we? We've been I mean, I'm holding my throat as I say this, I don't know why. It's a psychological thing, but we have, we've kind of stifled ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 28:57

Oh, absolutely. We've braced, we've braced and said, I'll eff and do it because who's gonna do it if I don't? Or I said I'd do that, so I'm gonna make 25 reindeer hats tonight for the first grade program. Why not? Yeah, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 29:13

Bring the yes, yeah. If I make one of the that was interesting as well, the phrase you just used as well. We've braced ourselves because I think a lot of the time we have we've prepared for bring it on, whatever it is, we're ready for it. But that just means it's kind of tensed, not just how we're feeling in terms of that constant what's gonna happen, what's gonna happen, but our whole body will become rigid, won't it, in terms of that brace for I'm thinking about brace for impact. Oh my goodness, what's gonna happen next?

SPEAKER_00 29:44

Oh exactly, and that's where that root chakra goes offline, and the body doesn't feel safe. Not because someone's gonna stab us, but because we're just so braced and ready. And think what we're doing. I I do this, I would ask the listeners right now. Everyone just bring their shoulders up to their ears and brace, brace, brace, brace, big deep breath, and with on a sound, oh release, and just feel the difference. Yeah, how long have our shoulders been up around our ears and we've been braced without even knowing it? And think what that's doing to our pelvic floor, it's braced as well. Now that means blood flow to our genitals is compromised. That pelvic bowl where blood should be flowing and rich is is it it's not happening like it needs to, and then we tell her to do kegels, you know, which is only kind of brace it that much more when desire is about releasing and melting in and softening, softening every energy center in our body, softening so we can receive pleasure, but that's very foreign to us because we haven't done it for years.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

We're so used to being tensed up, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:02

Yeah, yeah. So I might have her start um with just hip circles. Women, we hold so much tension in our hips, our fascia, you know, the issues are in the tissues. There's truth to that, lots of truth, lots of um, it could be generational trauma, generational whatever held in our tissues as well, especially in our hips, maybe birthing. I know I almost died during childbirth, so there's a lot of uh I I weigh about well, back then I weighed about a hundred pounds, and I my husband was huge. My babies were like 10 to 13 pounds, so I wow anyway. There was a lot of trauma in my body, and I'm not unique. I I'm just saying that to normalize it for all of us ladies. That that's that's a lot to it's a beautiful thing to bring babies into the world, but it's a lot for our bodies. I have my ladies start. Um, it's it's we do little incremental things, we don't want to blow the system up, so we just do little baby steps to try, and those baby steps add up, but to have her lay in a butterfly, a yoga position, the butterfly where your knees are open, yeah, to just start that fascia to open and release, or even as you as you say, I can just feel me.

SPEAKER_02 32:20

I can't get in that position right now, listeners, because I'm sitting on a chair. But the mere thought of doing that, just letting, as you say, letting your your legs flop and be open and free and exposing that area, dare we mention it, between our legs, that obviously is the epicenter of this pleasure. That I think a lot of us have forgotten what it's there for, forgotten what it looks like, if we've even dared to ever look, see what it's actually looking like. But also, good old Mother Nature, thank you, has made that all dry up a bit. It's like not functioning in the same way that it used to, and we don't really talk about that enough, do we? You when we were having our little pre-chat, you you said that wonderful phrase that if men were having a dryness of of their areas, it would be all over. I mean, I luckily we've both noticed that advertising now seems to be coming more and more obviously for menopause-related products for yeah, dry vaginas. We've said it, you can actually get stuff, they're advertising it on TV, right? It will help, but we may not, if we don't have the conversation, we may just think it's us, we may think it's something more serious and think, oh god, I'm too scared, I don't want to, or I'm embarrassed to go and talk about being dried down there.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

What's wrong with me? I just did a a podcast episode on vaginal trophy for that very reason to try and normalize it and let's have conversations about it. And surprisingly, I mean, I know um I see my esthetician, I spend an embarrassing amount on face creams. That's just I I'm gonna do it. That's amazing. Yeah. Well, but we gotta do it. Uh, but there's the same kind of creams for our vagina, not not a moisture, not for um, you know, uh um, oh, what's the antibrink or whatever? Yeah, but it's gonna be a different chemical basis for yes, yeah. But it's it's not look like lubricant to have sex, it's it's actual cream to help your vagina, the tissue in your vagina to um come back healthier, to not be so brittle and um yeah, so brittle. And think that's just an investment in yourself, and and think about the with the urinary tract infections and other things that happen to us as we get older because of these your vaginal tissues not being as healthy, and and back to the blood flow issue. Do start doing figure eight, even in your chair as you're sitting, just start moving that pelvis, stand up and do hip circles. Try to get that pelvic bowl with the blood flowing again, because that's gonna help um your vaginal change.

SPEAKER_02 35:18

No, I'm definitely gonna start doing that, even like when you're waiting for the kettle to bowl, just do some kind of hula. Yeah, hula. I'm sitting there doing it now. Yeah, I'm gonna start.

SPEAKER_00 35:25

Yes, it's it's and get a hula hoop. Just see how a hula hoop works. But but the other piece, the more we have sex, the healthier our vaginal tissues are. Isn't that kind of the chicken and the egg thing? Like, oh well, but well, if it if my vaginal tissues aren't healthy, it doesn't feel good to have sex. I you know, it's the the but you might start with a dildo, you might start with something small just to get blood flow back in that area, just to, and it's not always about the orgasm, pleasure. There's pleasure before you get to the orgasm, you know, just to remind yourself what pleasure feels like. And if you've never sat with a mirror between your legs and gotten to know your clitoris and your libia and all those parts, it's you need to.

SPEAKER_02 36:22

No, I think that is so important.

SPEAKER_00 36:24

How can we expect a man to know where our clitoris is if we can't even direct him there?

SPEAKER_02 36:30

And also, I think there is still a lot of I don't know about shame is the right word, but obviously with with pornography being more accessible, whether we want to or not, we might encounter other ladies' parts, and we may think, hang on, mine doesn't look like that. And you know, comparisonitis can creep in there as well, which particularly if we're not feeling as uh lubricated or you know, as I don't know, as comfortable in our vaginal area as we have in the past. That could be another reason for thinking, well, I don't want to look at it, let alone show it to anyone else.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

Right. And that's first we want to normalize that every look at everyone's tongue, it's different too. Everyone's a different faces are in everyone, look at everyone's noses, everyone's ears, yeah. Yeah, fingerprints, everyone's got a different fingerprint. One isn't right, one isn't wrong. It just is. And if you're up for it, look at different women's look at different vaginas. It's fascinating to see how different they are.

SPEAKER_02 37:44

It's I've seen various works of art where they've taken like hundreds of photographs or hundreds of plaster casts and things like that. And it is just like as you say it's like yeah, no two are the same.

SPEAKER_00 37:57

No, it nor are no two penises are the same. Yeah, they um I think we have and it's that narrative running in our head, we have to reframe it with curiosity and self-compassion and just radical acceptance. This is who I am. Look at how mine is. No one else in the world has one just like mine. Mine is spectacular. Thank you very much. And I'm gonna get to know her, and I want to know what she prefers. This became really popular in the 70s. I I didn't graduate high school until 81, so I was not in on therapy with therapists doing this, but it became a very big movement for women to have those times where they would sit and look at their vaginas and get to know things. I mean, it was unheard of before that. Oh, yeah. How could anyone look at that? That is probably some old, maybe even our DNA, old shame that um we can't look at those parts. Well, why would we want to?

SPEAKER_02 38:59

Because it's a you know, if we're looking to pleasure ourselves for any reason that involved just a bit of fun and admiring ourselves, saying, God, we're gorgeous. Look how wonderful we are, you know, touching our skin, feeling, you know. Yes, the the the just the I'm doing it now. I've I've got a short sleeve dress on, and just running your fingers over your own skin. When do you ever do that?

SPEAKER_00 39:26

When do you actually know that is I love that you said that. I just posted a podcast on this, also. Uh I love to research. I guess that's why I'm in the field I'm in. But there's a brand new research out, and it's called the Bliss Molecule that's in our skin. And it's starving for most people because the Bliss molecule it gets fed by exactly what you said, touching. We're made to be touched, and it's not a fast touch, it's a slow, maybe it's taking five seconds to run down your arm. And just doing that to um get that bliss molecule back online and fed. I give an exercise for couples to spoon, preferably naked, but intercourse, we're not gonna have intercourse, we're just gonna spoon. He's behind her, skin to skin, to get that bliss molecule awake and get it fed some. It really, I mean, think about all that skin contact. We hunger for that. We hunger for touch, but we we don't get that need met for whatever reason. I think it has a lot to do with us being too busy and oh my god, that's one more thing on my to-do list, I don't have time for that crap. Ooh, him, a lot of resentment comes up in long-term relationships too, and that can show its ugly head.

SPEAKER_02 40:55

Absolutely. Because that that reminds me of one of the the top takeaways I had from our our pre-chat before, which I think is a really important tip or insight to share about reclaiming our body, taking back ownership of yeah, our sexiness.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

Oh, absolutely. Being comfortable in our skins again. I I almost think as we go through our um 50 plus, as we're going through that period, it's almost like um, and I've seen it called Queen Ager, and I think that's a great name instead of teenager, quit where we're getting reacquainted with um, oh, that doesn't move just like it used to. Well, that's okay. But but to get your nervous system regulated, get out of sympathetic and dorsal state where you're in fight or flight or completely numb and dissociated from your body, to get to ventral state. That's our um social, sexy hoo-hoo, hey baby, where you want to connect with others to be regulated is eminently important on that path to reclaiming your body and knowing ourselves, not the 18-year-old or the 20-year-old. I mean, we we haven't lost ourselves, we just have to excavate her again because she's buried under years of I gotta get this done, I gotta get that done. Who has time to think about that? We arrive um in midlife with how wonderful we have. I know my kids are in their 40s, they're doing well. My grandkids are teenagers now. Wow. Um I my husband and I manage to keep our relationship where we still are each other's best buddies and we talk and we uh enjoy sex and all the things. We get to travel. We I mean, do you know? Um, if we don't want to cook dinner one night, we don't cook it. You know, it's fine. It there's a lot of really yumminess to be had by reclaiming yourself, re-having that homecoming.

SPEAKER_02 42:59

Um I I love that. I love that. I mean, you've just obviously I'm gonna put you on the spot a bit then, because obviously we're sharing your insights and your top tips and fantastic. Congratulations on keeping the desire alive. So, what what would be your takeaways to anyone listening that's like, right? I need to do something about this. If you're happy, if you're happy not feeling sexy, that's fine. We're not saying everyone's got to start feeling sexy. It's more this episode is more if you're at the stage where you think I just don't feel in tune, something's not quite right. I need to zhuzh myself up a bit so that I can reclaim sexy time, or I can go out and be if you you know, be going back on the market to go and meet someone new, that may well come into the new relationship. And so you're in the right headspace to embrace it.

SPEAKER_00 43:58

Yeah. I think and I go back to this and I believe this is very true. It's about feeling confident in your skin. It's about being able to hold your head up high and you don't compare. You don't, you know that you are you and you are perfectly imperfect, just like you are. Regardless. Pleasure isn't always about orgasm. Pleasure is about getting out of a dysregulated nervous system into a regulated system so you can even feel pleasure again. So you can feel spontaneous joy. Maybe you're watching your grandkids play at the playground and just suddenly you feel so happy and you feel your chest just expansive, and you just can't believe what a wonderful life you have. Look at these babies that came from your babies. And yeah, maybe it's uh playing chase in the backyard with your blue healer. I have four that that they're so cute, running around, and and it just it's spontaneous joy and pleasure. Just watch them, have fun. You just giggle for no particular reason. Maybe it is sitting next, and this is my second marriage. I can tell you about a horrible marriage, but I won't bore I won't bore you with that today.

SPEAKER_02 45:22

But that's done, that's done.

SPEAKER_00 45:24

Yeah, I know how to F it up, sister. I know how to F it up, but and own it, that's the thing. Yeah, but yeah, it's but this man that I just adore, and I think he really benefits because I had a horrible marriage, and I really appreciate a good man, you know. He does benefit from that. But just sitting next to each other on our sofa that is this big sectional that we can just it, you know, swallow us, and feeling uh well, I usually put my leg on his chest. Well, anyway, just feeling the warmth of his body, pleasure, just feeling his hand on my leg, pleasure. It no expectation that sex is gonna happen. That's what happens, and it takes the fun off the table. Oh my god, expectation. It's pressure, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 46:16

Then pressure over pleasure, yeah. Yes, it's whereas sometimes closeness or reclaiming the closeness, rebuilding. And we're not saying it's it's not been broken, it's just fizzled or faded or something, it's reigniting.

SPEAKER_00 46:33

Yeah, no, it it often goes on the back burner as we're trying to get through life. I mean, I don't know about you, but I remember it seems like yesterday I graduated college and I was the newbie, and now I'm the old lady. I'm like, how the hell did that happen?

SPEAKER_02 46:48

Where did that time go? My baby's 24, and I'm like, surely not. Surely not.

SPEAKER_00 46:56

But we're so busy building our life that we get to the point where the estrogen is gone and we look around and go, What the hell? And we can take that breath, and here's here's what she needs to do. I I don't care if you have sex again. I hope you do for your body, but you know, you do you, but here's the invitation. Add so much joy, so much goodness to your life that there you don't have to set boundaries and say no because it's so full of the things that are meaningful and bring joy to you. That's a regulated nervous system, and when it's regulated, boundaries are just a natural thing. We don't even have to think about it. Isn't that something? We've spent so many years fighting it.

SPEAKER_02 47:45

Well, I know there are going to be so many amazing women listening to this that like, right? I need a bit of Julie in my life, and all your contact details are on the show notes for our episode. Um, and you've got your own guest profile on the Midlife Unlimited podcast website, and I'll be inviting you to share your contact details in a moment. But before we get there, I am going to ask you the same three questions that I ask each of my amazing guests. So you're not going to escape. So if you're ready, I am gonna kick start with Okay, what is your midlife anthem? The piece of music that lights you up. Now, is it one you play in the bedroom as well? That's what I want to know.

SPEAKER_00 48:32

You know, the anthem to our life, um, and it's gonna sound silly, but it just lights me up. It's it's a Daryl Worley song, I believe. I miss my friend. And it's so sweet. Sadly, it's about a wife that has passed. This is not hanging on. It it's a beautiful song about how much a lady, a husband and wife are so connected, they were best friends, and they just are so connected. And that it just gives me goosebumps when I hear that song.

SPEAKER_02 49:07

So that's gonna go and check it out.

SPEAKER_00 49:08

What was it called again? I miss my friend by Daryl Worley. And you know, it's from the early 2000s, I think, but it's something that has meant a lot to my husband and I. And or You Shook Me All Night Long. Now that's our fun song, and he said I did that to him uh the day I asked him if we're gonna have sex or what either or ah, excellent.

SPEAKER_02 49:30

Well, I I like I like two. I like two, the flip side of the coin. So now I'm intrigued, having got to know you a bit, and I love everything about you. What is your midlife mantra, the phrase that you live your life by?

SPEAKER_00 49:48

Is this gonna matter in two weeks? That helps me so much as I reframe things, and as I look at my rule book, and as my body, because I lived in fight or flight for a good 30 years. That really helps me reframe in two weeks. Is this gonna matter? And generally it's not, and it really gives me permission to calm my ass down and set it over here.

SPEAKER_02 50:16

No, that's a good one, and it's not it's not the five minutes, it's not the hour, it's two weeks, and that gives you enough time to process it as in you know, it might need a bit of it, a bit of a bit of your attention, but really into yeah. So now the third yeah, yeah, sorry, I talked over you then. Um the third question, it's a bit of a tricky one because normally I ask my guests what's the title of your autobiography, and they come up with something that they might write one day, which never comes. We know that they're all gonna they're all starting to write it now after I've pushed them. But obviously, your autobiography is in the pipeline, so I don't really want to push you to reveal the title and spoil the surprise with your publicist or whatever, but uh I'll ask the question in a hypothetical way. Is there a hypothetical answer that doesn't overlap with what you're actually writing?

SPEAKER_00 51:09

I mean, it's it's woman with her hair on fire, is that's not the full title, but that's a part of it, and that is how oh girl, that is so my memoir. I started at 16 and um did not stop till I fell to my knees with my first book in pursuit of salt joy in my early 40s. It's in your blood, it's in your blood. It's oh well, it's it's I it's the pressure cooker, but I think it's gonna be a fun book, and I can't wait uh for it to come out. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 51:40

Excellent, excellent. Do we have an estimated date yet or this year, next year? I'm hoping December, maybe January, depending on um how well we will keep your profile updated so that everyone will know when it's coming, and I will look out for any posts, etc. But in the meantime, obviously I said all your contact details are on the show notes for our episode, and you have your guest profile on the website. But can you talk listeners through how they can connect with you, how they can get hold of your book? Over to you.

SPEAKER_00 52:13

Thank you. Yes, um, everything is on my website. I would invite all the ladies to start with my somatic signature quiz. It's in the menu at the top of my website, juliemarrimentph.com backslash quiz. You'll get right to it. But it's it really lets you know how your nervous system is impacting you right here, right now. And I give some um really nice somatic chakra psychology interventions uh via the quiz. And I've got a new program. I just I'm so excited, it's called Still Standing. It's a 28-day nervous system um intervention or intensive, if if you will, that uh at the end of the 28 days, you're a new woman. You're gonna be a new woman.

SPEAKER_02 52:55

Oh, superb, and all the details are on your website for that as well, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll make sure we put all your social links as well so people can come and connect. I'm so excited! So much going on, so much going on. So I promised you a sexy episode, listeners. What did you think? I would love your feedback or leave a review. You can do so in the links. Um, and you can email and text me via the link in the show notes as well. And come and join the Midlife Unlimited podcast Facebook group. Again, the links are in there, and you'll find the website link with details of how you can work to me, work to me, work with me even one-to-one. Um, and come and join more, my award-winning all-in-one coaching program that combines one-to-one with group programs and helped you add more life to your years. Uh, is that right? Yes, it's my brain's got I've got so much information we've talked about today. I've loved every minute. There's been so many brilliant takeaways. I look forward to doing the video podcast as well because we're gonna have even more to talk about there, I'm sure. But in the meantime, thank you for joining me so much today. It's been absolutely brilliant. Thank you for listening. I look forward to tuning in next week because don't forget Midlife Unlimited has a new episode every Thursday available wherever you get your podcasts. So here's to being fabulous and flourishing together and living Midlife Unlimited. Thanks, Julie. It's been brilliant. Bye. Thank you.