{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":2.34,"endTime":5.28,"body":"Hi everyone, and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":2.34,"endTime":5.28,"body":"welcome to the music of Life."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":5.4,"endTime":9.18,"body":"I'm your host. Karen Portnoy,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":5.4,"endTime":9.18,"body":"before I get into this episode,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":9.18,"endTime":13.38,"body":"please comment, ask questions,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":9.18,"endTime":13.38,"body":"share some of your experiences,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":13.5,"endTime":15.06,"body":"and don't forget to subscribe."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":13.5,"endTime":15.06,"body":"You"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":33.74,"endTime":37.76,"body":"I was reminded of a TV show that"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":33.74,"endTime":37.76,"body":"was on some time ago. I don't"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":37.76,"endTime":41.14,"body":"remember the name of it, and I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":37.76,"endTime":41.14,"body":"don't know when it aired, but"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":41.14,"endTime":46.0,"body":"there was a famous scene in"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":41.14,"endTime":46.0,"body":"there that you may recognize. I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":46.06,"endTime":50.44,"body":"transcribed it so that I could"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":46.06,"endTime":50.44,"body":"read it to you. But again, I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":50.44,"endTime":56.26,"body":"forget the name of the show and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":50.44,"endTime":56.26,"body":"all of that. So this show was"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":56.62,"endTime":59.56,"body":"taking place in a courtroom, and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":56.62,"endTime":59.56,"body":"there was an attorney"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":59.56,"endTime":62.82,"body":"questioning a priest in the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":59.56,"endTime":62.82,"body":"court who was sitting on the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":62.82,"endTime":67.02,"body":"stand, she asked, Why do bad"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":62.82,"endTime":67.02,"body":"things happen to good people?"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":67.92,"endTime":71.58,"body":"The courtroom contemplated the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":67.92,"endTime":71.58,"body":"priests answers about how God"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":71.58,"endTime":74.52,"body":"answered his prayers in"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":71.58,"endTime":74.52,"body":"difficult moments of his life."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":75.12,"endTime":78.66,"body":"The priest answered, Well, to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":75.12,"endTime":78.66,"body":"answer that, one would need to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":78.66,"endTime":83.72,"body":"know the unknowable the mind of"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":78.66,"endTime":83.72,"body":"God Himself. Sometimes the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":83.72,"endTime":87.44,"body":"meaning of a tragedy can be"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":83.72,"endTime":87.44,"body":"difficult to comprehend, but if"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":87.44,"endTime":92.42,"body":"one has faith, all things have"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":87.44,"endTime":92.42,"body":"meaning. She then asked, why"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":92.42,"endTime":96.08,"body":"would a loving God allow these"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":92.42,"endTime":96.08,"body":"tragedies to happen? Does the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":96.08,"endTime":100.48,"body":"Lord want us to suffer? The"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":96.08,"endTime":100.48,"body":"priest replied, I asked for"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":100.48,"endTime":104.26,"body":"strength, and God gave me"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":100.48,"endTime":104.26,"body":"difficulties to make me strong."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":104.92,"endTime":109.6,"body":"I asked for wisdom, and God gave"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":104.92,"endTime":109.6,"body":"me problems to solve. I asked"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":109.6,"endTime":113.98,"body":"for courage, and God gave me"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":109.6,"endTime":113.98,"body":"dangers to overcome. I asked for"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":113.98,"endTime":118.0,"body":"love, and God gave me troubled"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":113.98,"endTime":118.0,"body":"people to help. My prayers were"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":118.0,"endTime":122.64,"body":"answered, and while God calls"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":118.0,"endTime":122.64,"body":"all of us only some answer his"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":122.64,"endTime":126.9,"body":"call. I answered the call, and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":122.64,"endTime":126.9,"body":"it's because of this that I'm"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":126.9,"endTime":130.5,"body":"able to speak on this topic."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":126.9,"endTime":130.5,"body":"I've gone through such massive"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":130.5,"endTime":134.52,"body":"and unimaginable darkness in my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":130.5,"endTime":134.52,"body":"divorce, which was designed to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":134.52,"endTime":138.0,"body":"destroy me on every possible"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":134.52,"endTime":138.0,"body":"level. I've gone through many"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":138.0,"endTime":142.1,"body":"other dark periods in my life."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":138.0,"endTime":142.1,"body":"I'm used to darkness. I know it"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":142.1,"endTime":147.5,"body":"intimately, a life of pain,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":142.1,"endTime":147.5,"body":"heartache, wrong turns, bad,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":147.5,"endTime":153.5,"body":"decisions, hard paths, long and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":147.5,"endTime":153.5,"body":"difficult journeys, struggles,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":153.74,"endTime":160.04,"body":"challenges, failures, obstacles,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":153.74,"endTime":160.04,"body":"unfulfilled, successes and more,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":160.64,"endTime":165.04,"body":"only glimmering moments of"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":160.64,"endTime":165.04,"body":"happiness, achievements, pride,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":165.16,"endTime":169.24,"body":"moving forward and independence,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":165.16,"endTime":169.24,"body":"but just like the yin and yang"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":169.24,"endTime":173.2,"body":"of life, what goes up must come"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":169.24,"endTime":173.2,"body":"down. You can't have joy without"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":173.2,"endTime":176.5,"body":"pain, and as I have now"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":173.2,"endTime":176.5,"body":"witnessed through my healing"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":176.5,"endTime":180.3,"body":"journey at the same time, I was"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":176.5,"endTime":180.3,"body":"abused during my divorce, you"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":180.3,"endTime":184.5,"body":"can't have darkness without"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":180.3,"endTime":184.5,"body":"light. I spent two and a half"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":184.5,"endTime":188.82,"body":"years of intensely healing to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":184.5,"endTime":188.82,"body":"find the light in my life. I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":188.82,"endTime":193.14,"body":"leaned into God for help to pull"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":188.82,"endTime":193.14,"body":"me out of hell. Now, not only"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":193.14,"endTime":197.52,"body":"have I found the light within me"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":193.14,"endTime":197.52,"body":"now, I am shining brighter now"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":197.7,"endTime":201.5,"body":"than ever before, and I've"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":197.7,"endTime":201.5,"body":"discovered that I've had it all"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":201.5,"endTime":205.58,"body":"along. I was just married to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":201.5,"endTime":205.58,"body":"someone who worked so hard to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":205.58,"endTime":208.58,"body":"dim my light to keep me under"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":205.58,"endTime":208.58,"body":"his control."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":214.94,"endTime":217.7,"body":"When Dorothy clicked her ruby"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":214.94,"endTime":217.7,"body":"slippers at the end of the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":217.7,"endTime":222.22,"body":"Wizard of Oz, saying there's no"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":217.7,"endTime":222.22,"body":"place like home. I don't believe"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":222.22,"endTime":226.36,"body":"she was talking about Kansas. I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":222.22,"endTime":226.36,"body":"believe she was referring to her"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":226.36,"endTime":230.74,"body":"authentic self. And the brains"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":226.36,"endTime":230.74,"body":"of the Scarecrow, the heart of"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":230.74,"endTime":234.28,"body":"the tin man and the courage of"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":230.74,"endTime":234.28,"body":"the lion all represented the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":234.28,"endTime":238.54,"body":"parts within herself that she"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":234.28,"endTime":238.54,"body":"thought she lacked, and just"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":238.54,"endTime":241.68,"body":"like the three men who played"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":238.54,"endTime":241.68,"body":"the roles of each character were"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":241.68,"endTime":245.58,"body":"alive and well. When Dorothy"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":241.68,"endTime":245.58,"body":"returned home at the end, she"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":245.58,"endTime":249.3,"body":"realized she had all those"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":245.58,"endTime":249.3,"body":"qualities within her all along."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":249.78,"endTime":253.5,"body":"God is always working for our"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":249.78,"endTime":253.5,"body":"highest good, but it's up to us"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":253.5,"endTime":257.7,"body":"to look within and see it for"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":253.5,"endTime":257.7,"body":"ourselves. I felt lost as a"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":257.7,"endTime":260.54,"body":"young girl with my parents"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":257.7,"endTime":260.54,"body":"divorce when I was three and a"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":260.54,"endTime":265.16,"body":"half, living with my sister and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":260.54,"endTime":265.16,"body":"mother and moving five times in"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":265.16,"endTime":269.48,"body":"six years. Of course, that"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":265.16,"endTime":269.48,"body":"entailed new schools each time"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":269.72,"endTime":273.56,"body":"and having to make new friends"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":269.72,"endTime":273.56,"body":"too. I lacked stability,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":273.62,"endTime":279.32,"body":"consistency, security,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":273.62,"endTime":279.32,"body":"connection, love, reassurance"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":279.38,"endTime":283.9,"body":"and more. By the time my sister"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":279.38,"endTime":283.9,"body":"and I moved in with my dad, step"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":283.9,"endTime":287.8,"body":"mom and step brother, when I was"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":283.9,"endTime":287.8,"body":"10 years old, I felt like I had"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":287.8,"endTime":291.4,"body":"lost part of my childhood, like"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":287.8,"endTime":291.4,"body":"I had to grow up sooner than I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":291.4,"endTime":295.0,"body":"should have. I did have"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":291.4,"endTime":295.0,"body":"stability, consistency,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":295.0,"endTime":300.42,"body":"security, connection, etc, at my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":295.0,"endTime":300.42,"body":"dad and step mom's house. Yes,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":300.42,"endTime":304.14,"body":"it was hard to blend families"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":300.42,"endTime":304.14,"body":"and settle into shared chores,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":304.56,"endTime":308.82,"body":"to working parents, finding my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":304.56,"endTime":308.82,"body":"way with yet another school and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":308.82,"endTime":314.52,"body":"friends, balance after school"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":308.82,"endTime":314.52,"body":"activities, etc. My parents both"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":314.52,"endTime":317.94,"body":"worked in the same town that we"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":314.52,"endTime":317.94,"body":"lived in, and both owned their"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":317.94,"endTime":322.46,"body":"own businesses. I never"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":317.94,"endTime":322.46,"body":"understood why I had to take"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":322.46,"endTime":326.66,"body":"taxis to my piano lessons,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":322.46,"endTime":326.66,"body":"tennis lessons or Hebrew school."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":327.38,"endTime":330.98,"body":"As a pre teen, was it that much"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":327.38,"endTime":330.98,"body":"of a problem to drop me where I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":330.98,"endTime":335.78,"body":"needed to go? My dad typically"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":330.98,"endTime":335.78,"body":"picked me up after and was"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":335.78,"endTime":340.1,"body":"always late, so I stood outside"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":335.78,"endTime":340.1,"body":"waiting for him, always feeling"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":340.16,"endTime":344.38,"body":"unimportant enough for him to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":340.16,"endTime":344.38,"body":"pick me up on time, these"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":344.38,"endTime":348.16,"body":"feelings only snowballed as I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":344.38,"endTime":348.16,"body":"got older and needed an outlet"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":348.16,"endTime":352.36,"body":"to deal with my emotions. I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":348.16,"endTime":352.36,"body":"think by late middle school to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":352.36,"endTime":356.5,"body":"early high school, my parents"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":352.36,"endTime":356.5,"body":"were astute enough to realize I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":356.5,"endTime":360.28,"body":"needed therapy. I have since"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":356.5,"endTime":360.28,"body":"spent most of my life in therapy"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":360.28,"endTime":363.6,"body":"trying to resolve and work"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":360.28,"endTime":363.6,"body":"through those deep seated issues"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":363.6,"endTime":365.64,"body":"that overwhelm me as a child."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":372.12,"endTime":375.84,"body":"And while I am so grateful for"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":372.12,"endTime":375.84,"body":"being able to have that support"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":375.84,"endTime":380.04,"body":"over so many years and learning"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":375.84,"endTime":380.04,"body":"all that I have about facing my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":380.04,"endTime":385.46,"body":"emotions and healing so much, it"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":380.04,"endTime":385.46,"body":"can be a never ending quest. My"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":385.46,"endTime":388.52,"body":"therapist always commended me"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":385.46,"endTime":388.52,"body":"for going straight into my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":388.52,"endTime":393.26,"body":"proverbial fire and staring at"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":388.52,"endTime":393.26,"body":"my wounds down to the core. If"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":393.26,"endTime":396.38,"body":"there were grades given for work"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":393.26,"endTime":396.38,"body":"done in therapy, I would have"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":396.38,"endTime":400.18,"body":"earned honor roll every"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":396.38,"endTime":400.18,"body":"semester, over every year and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":400.18,"endTime":403.24,"body":"over so many years, I should"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":400.18,"endTime":403.24,"body":"have earned an honorary"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":403.24,"endTime":407.38,"body":"doctorate by now four times"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":403.24,"endTime":407.38,"body":"over, it wasn't that I was so"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":407.38,"endTime":411.76,"body":"dependent on my therapist, not"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":407.38,"endTime":411.76,"body":"at all. I found the right fit"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":411.76,"endTime":415.36,"body":"for me so many years ago, she"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":411.76,"endTime":415.36,"body":"held a mirror up to me and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":415.36,"endTime":418.96,"body":"really challenged me, held me to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":415.36,"endTime":418.96,"body":"the fire and went to the mat"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":418.96,"endTime":422.4,"body":"with me, because she knew I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":418.96,"endTime":422.4,"body":"could handle it, never told me"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":422.4,"endTime":426.6,"body":"what to do, but rather pushed me"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":422.4,"endTime":426.6,"body":"to seek the answers myself. So"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":426.6,"endTime":431.1,"body":"my psychological evolution was"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":426.6,"endTime":431.1,"body":"off the charts. I craved more of"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":431.1,"endTime":435.36,"body":"it, and she kept pushing me. I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":431.1,"endTime":435.36,"body":"think of the first Rocky movie,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":435.42,"endTime":438.42,"body":"how hard he worked with his"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":435.42,"endTime":438.42,"body":"trainer, and how it paid off in"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":438.42,"endTime":443.48,"body":"spades for him. Same with my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":438.42,"endTime":443.48,"body":"therapy, my life was never easy."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":443.6,"endTime":447.68,"body":"I never had anything handed to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":443.6,"endTime":447.68,"body":"me. I had to work my ass off for"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":447.68,"endTime":452.06,"body":"everything. I had to prove"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":447.68,"endTime":452.06,"body":"myself over and over and over"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":452.06,"endTime":456.32,"body":"again. I didn't follow the path"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":452.06,"endTime":456.32,"body":"that everyone else did. I was a"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":456.32,"endTime":459.8,"body":"black sheep in many ways, and my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":456.32,"endTime":459.8,"body":"parents struggled with that"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":460.22,"endTime":463.3,"body":"because they had their own"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":460.22,"endTime":463.3,"body":"visions and expectations from my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":463.3,"endTime":468.1,"body":"life's path. I did what I could,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":463.3,"endTime":468.1,"body":"worked hard, tried to please"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":468.1,"endTime":471.52,"body":"them, but was also a rebel every"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":468.1,"endTime":471.52,"body":"step of the way."},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":478.0,"endTime":481.08,"body":"My point for sharing all of this"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":478.0,"endTime":481.08,"body":"is to let you all know that"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":481.08,"endTime":485.46,"body":"while my life has now gotten to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":481.08,"endTime":485.46,"body":"a state of ease, peace,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":485.64,"endTime":489.78,"body":"happiness and fulfillment, it"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":485.64,"endTime":489.78,"body":"has all come from the deepest"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":489.78,"endTime":493.8,"body":"state of darkness that I've ever"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":489.78,"endTime":493.8,"body":"experienced. And I've grown up"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":493.8,"endTime":498.0,"body":"with darkness my whole life. My"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":493.8,"endTime":498.0,"body":"divorce was the mother load of"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":498.0,"endTime":503.78,"body":"darkness, evil, pain, suffering,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":498.0,"endTime":503.78,"body":"betrayal and everything set to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":503.78,"endTime":507.86,"body":"destroy me on every level. But"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":503.78,"endTime":507.86,"body":"like I said earlier, it's the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":507.86,"endTime":511.46,"body":"yin and yang of life, and while"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":507.86,"endTime":511.46,"body":"the first half of my life had so"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":511.46,"endTime":515.36,"body":"much pain and sadness, I'm"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":511.46,"endTime":515.36,"body":"coming into the next half of my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":515.36,"endTime":519.2,"body":"life where I get to enjoy the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":515.36,"endTime":519.2,"body":"ride for the first time with"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":519.2,"endTime":524.56,"body":"smiles on my face, love in my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":519.2,"endTime":524.56,"body":"heart, peace in my soul, and a"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":524.56,"endTime":529.78,"body":"glow all around me, my healing"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":524.56,"endTime":529.78,"body":"journey with God by my side"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":529.84,"endTime":532.9,"body":"every step of the way was the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":529.84,"endTime":532.9,"body":"only way I could be here, right"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":532.9,"endTime":537.04,"body":"now, standing at the precipice"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":532.9,"endTime":537.04,"body":"of the most abundant life ahead"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":537.04,"endTime":541.92,"body":"of me, fulfilling my life's"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":537.04,"endTime":541.92,"body":"path, purpose, passions, all"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":541.92,"endTime":548.52,"body":"with ease, rest, self care, self"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":541.92,"endTime":548.52,"body":"love, naps, massages and long"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":548.52,"endTime":552.66,"body":"walks with my dog, I've learned"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":548.52,"endTime":552.66,"body":"that when you follow your soul's"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":552.66,"endTime":556.8,"body":"desires, it's not about killing"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":552.66,"endTime":556.8,"body":"yourself to get there. I've"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":556.8,"endTime":561.14,"body":"learned how to balance all"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":556.8,"endTime":561.14,"body":"aspects of my life, my emotions,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":561.2,"endTime":564.68,"body":"my masculine and feminine"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":561.2,"endTime":564.68,"body":"energies, the people I choose to"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":564.68,"endTime":568.88,"body":"have in my life, etc. I've"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":564.68,"endTime":568.88,"body":"mastered turning pain into"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":568.88,"endTime":573.2,"body":"power, and I see the big, big"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":568.88,"endTime":573.2,"body":"picture of my life. So clearly,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":579.74,"endTime":584.2,"body":"if you know me, if you see me on"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":579.74,"endTime":584.2,"body":"social media, if you meet me for"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":584.2,"endTime":588.16,"body":"the first time, I'm very aware"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":584.2,"endTime":588.16,"body":"that I don't wear what I've been"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":588.16,"endTime":592.42,"body":"through on my face. You may"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":588.16,"endTime":592.42,"body":"never understand what depths of"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":592.42,"endTime":596.32,"body":"darkness I had to pull myself"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":592.42,"endTime":596.32,"body":"out of to smile like I do now,"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":597.22,"endTime":601.08,"body":"let my glow now be the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":597.22,"endTime":601.08,"body":"confirmation of. How horrific my"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":601.08,"endTime":605.46,"body":"divorce was to be the ultimate"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":601.08,"endTime":605.46,"body":"fight of my life. Literally, I'm"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":605.46,"endTime":609.42,"body":"the strongest person I know, and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":605.46,"endTime":609.42,"body":"I truly don't believe that any"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":609.42,"endTime":613.14,"body":"other person could have survived"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":609.42,"endTime":613.14,"body":"my divorce and come out the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":613.14,"endTime":617.22,"body":"other side to where I am now. To"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":613.14,"endTime":617.22,"body":"those who are at the beginning"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":617.22,"endTime":620.78,"body":"of your divorce, hell, in the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":617.22,"endTime":620.78,"body":"middle of it, or even on the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":620.78,"endTime":625.52,"body":"other side, I see you clearly. I"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":620.78,"endTime":625.52,"body":"feel you. I know what you're"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":625.52,"endTime":628.88,"body":"dealing with. I'm with you, and"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":625.52,"endTime":628.88,"body":"I'm here to be a life raft for"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":628.88,"endTime":634.28,"body":"you. Please join me every"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":628.88,"endTime":634.28,"body":"Thursday for a new episode. You"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":634.28,"endTime":640.36,"body":"can reach my website@podpage.com"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":634.28,"endTime":640.36,"body":"slash the music of life. Feel"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":640.36,"endTime":643.78,"body":"free to leave your email"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":640.36,"endTime":643.78,"body":"address. You can also leave a"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":643.78,"endTime":648.1,"body":"voicemail and share any kinds of"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":643.78,"endTime":648.1,"body":"stories or experiences or"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":648.1,"endTime":651.76,"body":"anything that you'd like to talk"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":648.1,"endTime":651.76,"body":"about. I promise I will keep you"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":651.76,"endTime":655.96,"body":"anonymous, but I assure you that"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":651.76,"endTime":655.96,"body":"whatever experiences or stories"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":655.96,"endTime":659.62,"body":"you leave for me, you are not"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":655.96,"endTime":659.62,"body":"alone, and I would love to share"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":659.62,"endTime":662.58,"body":"that with other people who are"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":659.62,"endTime":662.58,"body":"also going through similar"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":662.58,"endTime":665.52,"body":"things. Thanks again for"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":662.58,"endTime":665.52,"body":"listening. I'll see you in the"},{"speaker":"Caryn Portnoy","startTime":665.52,"endTime":666.36,"body":"next episode. You."}]}