From Darkness to Light

In this raw and deeply personal episode, I open up about the most defining chapter of my life—the journey from devastating darkness to radiant light. Through the lens of my own experiences, I reflect on pain, healing, and how faith and resilience can carry us through even the most unimaginable circumstances. From childhood upheaval to the soul-crushing experience of divorce, I share how I uncovered my inner light and reclaimed my sense of self, one courageous step at a time.

This episode is for anyone who has felt broken, lost, or buried beneath the weight of their past. I hope my story reminds you that transformation is possible, that healing is real, and that no matter how dark things seem, the light is always waiting to be found—within you. Join me as I peel back the layers of trauma, therapy, growth, and faith to show how I turned pain into power and found a life full of peace, joy, and authenticity.

Episode Highlights:

[0:02] - Opening thoughts and a powerful courtroom scene that sparked deep reflection.
[1:15] - Wrestling with life’s toughest question: Why do bad things happen to good people?
[2:30] - The metaphor of prayer and the challenges that shape our strength.
[3:45] - Facing the depths of darkness through divorce and emotional pain.
[5:02] - Childhood instability, blended families, and growing up too soon.
[6:17] - The start of a lifelong journey in therapy and emotional healing.
[7:48] - Discovering personal strength and growth through consistent self-work.
[8:55] - Breaking free from expectations, embracing rebellion, and carving my own path.
[9:40] - From lifelong pain to lasting peace—how I’ve come full circle.
[10:20] - Finding divine alignment, balance, and the glow of true healing.
[10:55] - A heartfelt message for others walking through divorce and darkness.

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:02

Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. You I was reminded of a TV show that was on some time ago. I don't remember the name of it, and I don't know when it aired, but there was a famous scene in there that you may recognize. I transcribed it so that I could read it to you. But again, I forget the name of the show and all of that. So this show was taking place in a courtroom, and there was an attorney questioning a priest in the court who was sitting on the stand, she asked, Why do bad things happen to good people? The courtroom contemplated the priests answers about how God answered his prayers in difficult moments of his life. The priest answered, Well, to answer that, one would need to know the unknowable the mind of God Himself. Sometimes the meaning of a tragedy can be difficult to comprehend, but if one has faith, all things have meaning. She then asked, why would a loving God allow these tragedies to happen? Does the Lord want us to suffer? The priest replied, I asked for strength, and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. I asked for wisdom, and God gave me problems to solve. I asked for courage, and God gave me dangers to overcome. I asked for love, and God gave me troubled people to help. My prayers were answered, and while God calls all of us only some answer his call. I answered the call, and it's because of this that I'm able to speak on this topic. I've gone through such massive and unimaginable darkness in my divorce, which was designed to destroy me on every possible level. I've gone through many other dark periods in my life. I'm used to darkness. I know it intimately, a life of pain, heartache, wrong turns, bad, decisions, hard paths, long and difficult journeys, struggles, challenges, failures, obstacles, unfulfilled, successes and more, only glimmering moments of happiness, achievements, pride, moving forward and independence, but just like the yin and yang of life, what goes up must come down. You can't have joy without pain, and as I have now witnessed through my healing journey at the same time, I was abused during my divorce, you can't have darkness without light. I spent two and a half years of intensely healing to find the light in my life. I leaned into God for help to pull me out of hell. Now, not only have I found the light within me now, I am shining brighter now than ever before, and I've discovered that I've had it all along. I was just married to someone who worked so hard to dim my light to keep me under his control. When Dorothy clicked her ruby slippers at the end of the Wizard of Oz, saying there's no place like home. I don't believe she was talking about Kansas. I believe she was referring to her authentic self. And the brains of the Scarecrow, the heart of the tin man and the courage of the lion all represented the parts within herself that she thought she lacked, and just like the three men who played the roles of each character were alive and well. When Dorothy returned home at the end, she realized she had all those qualities within her all along. God is always working for our highest good, but it's up to us to look within and see it for ourselves. I felt lost as a young girl with my parents divorce when I was three and a half, living with my sister and mother and moving five times in six years. Of course, that entailed new schools each time and having to make new friends too. I lacked stability, consistency, security, connection, love, reassurance and more. By the time my sister and I moved in with my dad, step mom and step brother, when I was 10 years old, I felt like I had lost part of my childhood, like I had to grow up sooner than I should have. I did have stability, consistency, security, connection, etc, at my dad and step mom's house. Yes, it was hard to blend families and settle into shared chores, to working parents, finding my way with yet another school and friends, balance after school activities, etc. My parents both worked in the same town that we lived in, and both owned their own businesses. I never understood why I had to take taxis to my piano lessons, tennis lessons or Hebrew school. As a pre teen, was it that much of a problem to drop me where I needed to go? My dad typically picked me up after and was always late, so I stood outside waiting for him, always feeling unimportant enough for him to pick me up on time, these feelings only snowballed as I got older and needed an outlet to deal with my emotions. I think by late middle school to early high school, my parents were astute enough to realize I needed therapy. I have since spent most of my life in therapy trying to resolve and work through those deep seated issues that overwhelm me as a child. And while I am so grateful for being able to have that support over so many years and learning all that I have about facing my emotions and healing so much, it can be a never ending quest. My therapist always commended me for going straight into my proverbial fire and staring at my wounds down to the core. If there were grades given for work done in therapy, I would have earned honor roll every semester, over every year and over so many years, I should have earned an honorary doctorate by now four times over, it wasn't that I was so dependent on my therapist, not at all. I found the right fit for me so many years ago, she held a mirror up to me and really challenged me, held me to the fire and went to the mat with me, because she knew I could handle it, never told me what to do, but rather pushed me to seek the answers myself. So my psychological evolution was off the charts. I craved more of it, and she kept pushing me. I think of the first Rocky movie, how hard he worked with his trainer, and how it paid off in spades for him. Same with my therapy, my life was never easy. I never had anything handed to me. I had to work my ass off for everything. I had to prove myself over and over and over again. I didn't follow the path that everyone else did. I was a black sheep in many ways, and my parents struggled with that because they had their own visions and expectations from my life's path. I did what I could, worked hard, tried to please them, but was also a rebel every step of the way. My point for sharing all of this is to let you all know that while my life has now gotten to a state of ease, peace, happiness and fulfillment, it has all come from the deepest state of darkness that I've ever experienced. And I've grown up with darkness my whole life. My divorce was the mother load of darkness, evil, pain, suffering, betrayal and everything set to destroy me on every level. But like I said earlier, it's the yin and yang of life, and while the first half of my life had so much pain and sadness, I'm coming into the next half of my life where I get to enjoy the ride for the first time with smiles on my face, love in my heart, peace in my soul, and a glow all around me, my healing journey with God by my side every step of the way was the only way I could be here, right now, standing at the precipice of the most abundant life ahead of me, fulfilling my life's path, purpose, passions, all with ease, rest, self care, self love, naps, massages and long walks with my dog, I've learned that when you follow your soul's desires, it's not about killing yourself to get there. I've learned how to balance all aspects of my life, my emotions, my masculine and feminine energies, the people I choose to have in my life, etc. I've mastered turning pain into power, and I see the big, big picture of my life. So clearly, if you know me, if you see me on social media, if you meet me for the first time, I'm very aware that I don't wear what I've been through on my face. You may never understand what depths of darkness I had to pull myself out of to smile like I do now, let my glow now be the confirmation of. How horrific my divorce was to be the ultimate fight of my life. Literally, I'm the strongest person I know, and I truly don't believe that any other person could have survived my divorce and come out the other side to where I am now. To those who are at the beginning of your divorce, hell, in the middle of it, or even on the other side, I see you clearly. I feel you. I know what you're dealing with. I'm with you, and I'm here to be a life raft for you. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. You can reach my website@podpage.com slash the music of life. Feel free to leave your email address. You can also leave a voicemail and share any kinds of stories or experiences or anything that you'd like to talk about. I promise I will keep you anonymous, but I assure you that whatever experiences or stories you leave for me, you are not alone, and I would love to share that with other people who are also going through similar things. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you in the next episode. You.