How to Shake Your Ex, Post-Divorce

In this very personal episode, I’m reflecting on something I didn’t fully understand when my divorce was finalized: just because the divorce is over doesn’t mean the toxicity magically disappears. What happens when you’re 14 months out from a toxic divorce and your ex is still baiting, harassing, manipulating, and trying to control you—especially when you share children?

I’m sharing what I’ve learned over the past five years navigating co-parenting with a high-conflict ex, how I’ve stopped spiraling, and the practical strategies that are finally helping me protect my peace. If you’ve ever struggled with gaslighting, emotional triggers, or feeling like your ex still has power over you—even after the papers are signed—this episode is for you.

Episode Highlights:

[0:02] – Celebrating my 60th episode and thanking you for your support.

[0:21] – What really happens after a toxic divorce is finalized—and why it doesn’t always feel “over.”

[2:34] – Why blocking your ex isn’t realistic when you share minor children—and how I filter what actually deserves a response.

[4:36] – Realizing it’s the same game, the same tactics, year after year—and how predictability becomes power.

[5:41] – The two strategies that truly work for me: ignoring and rising above.

[6:00] – Why I don’t open texts immediately—and how waiting changes everything.

[7:00] – Watching his tone shift from bullying to pleading when I don’t engage.

[7:45] – The “proverbial box” method: mentally containing the chaos and only opening it when it legitimately involves our daughter.

[8:03] – Declaring that no one will ever control me again—and what taking your power back really looks like.

[8:53] – Introducing my new 8-week mentorship program and how it’s different from traditional therapy or coaching.

[9:07] – How to connect with me, leave a message, and join me every Thursday for new episodes. 

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode. Check me out on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/caryn-levitt-8a09263a6/

Transcript

Unknown: 0:02

Karen, hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. Hi everyone. I just wanted to first tell you that this is actually my 60th episode that I'm recording for you guys. That's right, six, zero, 60. I'm so proud and happy and excited that you're all listening, that you're sharing, that you're inviting other people to listen as well, and I really appreciate the support and all of that. In this episode, I wanted to talk about what happens on the other side of your divorce after your toxic divorce is done and over, and you move on and you start a new life for yourself and all of that and how hard it is to continue to shake your ex spouse because you're still as if it were during the divorce. You're still being harassed and baited and taunted and threatened and gas lit and all of those things and manipulated. And it's still going on, and it's, it's kind of like become its own entity in your life, because you can't stop them from texting you and you, you know, everyone keeps saying to me, Well, just block block them and change your email and change your number and all this stuff. But when you share children together, you can't do that, and especially children who are minors. So it's easier said than done. What I have been able to do is filter out what's important to respond to and what's not. 98% of it is not. And while I used to respond to everything, and I would spiral. I'm talking about like once I was newly divorced. Now 14 months later, since our divorce was final, I'm much better. I still get triggered at times, but it much shorter lived. So even if I take a step backwards and I respond to something that I regret responding to, it's something that I can let go of much, much faster than I ever did before, which is great for the majority of the text messages I get from my ex. I ignore them, I don't respond, I don't give it any kind of life, because it's not necessary and I don't need the aggravation. So, you know, I'm very aware that every time he texts me, he uses our daughter to get me to respond to things, but not everything about our daughter needs to be answered. You know, sometimes he's trying to just get me to pay for things that I don't need to pay for. It's not my responsibility to pay for, but it's always about controls. So I've gotten much better, and I will share with you that the things that I've learned over time that really do work for me. One is ignoring ignoring the text and rising above whatever the nonsense is. And the other thing that I learned how to do is to not even open up his text like, you know, you see a little bit of a preview of what it's about, and I don't even open it up until I'm in a headspace where no matter what he says, I know I'll be strong enough to be able to withstand reading it and not responding to it. I mean, look, if there was an emergency, obviously I would respond, but you know, I'm not going to respond to trivial stuff, so I just I wait however long it takes me until I know that I'll be in a good place to read what he's saying and respond or don't. 98% of the time, I don't, but you know, if it's something that I need to respond to, I will, and then only the facts not getting into emotional stuff anymore. The thing that's so funny to me and and very interesting is that it's the same game that he's been playing since the divorce was underway. So for the last, oh, wow. It's almost five years. Well, this will be the fifth year, actually, in the summertime. So, you know, it's just so funny to me how it's the same game over and over again. He has not switched it up in any other way. So it's become so predictable. So, you know, what can I say? The only thing that that is. Is effective is ignoring and rising above and it and, you know, it's interesting. I have a few friends who whose exes are exactly like mine. It's, it's staggering how we all, we all picked a similar type of guy based on who we are, and we're all struggling with the same exact personality and the same exact, you know, harassment and threats and all the like, delusional, like, seriously delusional. And so I just, I keep finding that the best way to deal with these people is to either say, go talk to my attorney, or just to ignore and rise above and take your own power back. Read these texts when you're up to reading them, not because he just sent it, because if you open a text that he sends and you read it right away, you're going to be more tempted to respond right away, and that's always the kiss of death. So the longer I wait to even open his text, the longer I will wait to respond if I need to at all. But it's interesting, because the longer I ignore his tune changes in the text messages. He starts out bullying, harassing, threatening, baiting, all those things, gaslighting, manipulating. He starts out that way, and the more I don't answer, the softer he becomes as these text messages go on. So he's, you know, by the end, he's saying please. And can you please? It's like night and day. It's kind of crazy. So it's, I've kind of accepted that this is never going to change and it's never going away. And as my life goes on, and as I grow and evolve and change and do all those things and and step further into my career and accomplish more and all of that, you know, I'm going to have to put him in a box, you know, a proverbial box, and put him, put that box on a shelf. And really the only time I will take take it down and open the box is when it has to do with our daughter, and legitimately, not just like bullshit, you and that's how you take your power back. Nobody is ever going to control me again, except myself, and that's it. So those days are over. I learned all those lessons. I've mastered those lessons, and there is no way I will ever let a man control me again? So anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. I just want to say that I have developed a mentorship program that I'm offering to anybody who could use or benefit from something like that. It'll be one hour once a week for eight weeks, with texts and emails in between if you need support or you have questions or anything like that. This is a partnership. This is something that you and I would do together. Or if it's not for you, but you know somebody else who could benefit from it, please share this with them. There are a lot a lot of people out there who need it, and other than a therapist or a coach who is kind of hands off, you know, like they're involved, but they're not really ongoing support. This is where I really, truly believe my value shines. Anyway, I'm gonna wrap it up. I will see you next week. You you, please join me every Thursday for a new episode. You can reach me on my website, which is podph.com/the, music of life. You can leave me a voicemail, a text message. You can leave your contact information if you want to be anonymous, no problem. I promise to honor that. And you can also find all of my social media platforms there as well, which is Instagram, Tiktok, Facebook and LinkedIn. Thanks again. I'll see you next week. You