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Maximalist Life
This is Maximalist Life, with Brianna Gamble and Tamika Stringfellow. This unfiltered podcast is your permission slip to chase after everything you damn well desire.
Join us as we dish out no-holds-barred conversations and invite you to step into a life filled with limitless possibilities. Forget fear and embrace the maximalist mentality with us every week.
Get ready to experience piss your pants laughter, cringe-worthy truths, and be inspired to break free from living a mediocre life.
Maximalist Life
Ep 31 - Say What You Want (Before You’re Pissed Off)
Episode Summary:
We dive into the messy, magical world of expectations in relationships—because let’s be honest, nothing kills the vibe faster than a silent “you should’ve known” moment.
✨ Setting sky-high expectations (especially around birthdays and holidays) is a fast track to disappointment
🧠 People aren’t mind readers—if you want something, say it out loud
💖 Love languages matter—how we give and receive love can look very different
🙃 Trying to change people never works—accepting them as they are = more peace
🎁 Holidays have become performance art thanks to marketing—let's calm down
🎉 Create your own traditions so you’re not constantly let down
🪩 Want the celebration of your dreams? Plan it yourself, babe
🗣️ Don’t wait for the letdown—talk about what you want before the big day
📚 People’s pasts shape how they show up—get curious instead of getting mad
🚧 Boundaries are beautiful—just know that honesty doesn’t always come with the answer you hope for
Stay Connected:
📲 Follow us on Instagram: @maximalistlifepodcast
🎙️ Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify – it helps us so much!
Damn. All right, we are recording, okay, this episode. I'm going to say right in the beginning yeah, this is about expectations of other people. Whatever, can you press record on mine?
Speaker 2:I don't know what it looks like.
Speaker 1:It's not even on.
Speaker 2:It's on.
Speaker 1:No, it wasn't Weird.
Speaker 2:I had it all set up. It was just black, oh perfect.
Speaker 1:Okay, there she is, the woman of the hour.
Speaker 2:Lur-lur-lur-lur-lur.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we gotta get someone to set this up for us.
Speaker 2:You have a big yeah we just ask her to do it like this. I mean, even if it's like this is already set up and we just have to move it a little bit to make it perfect, that'd be fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean we have to come up with a tutorial for all the the tutorial, I mean.
Speaker 2:but what I'm saying is like, even if it's not like perfect, it's just like plugged in here they're all on boxes. And this is here, and just make sure everything's charged Right. That's it. What about the?
Speaker 1:wall. The wall is really the shittiest.
Speaker 2:We just have to move the wall. I mean, I should just remember to do it on Thursdays.
Speaker 1:Just have Bree, help you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, okay. Or when Christy comes on Thursdays, that's when I do it.
Speaker 1:But it sucks if she comes Thursdays, because why? Because Coral's here Wednesdays, she needs to bring, I mean, I guess, if she's a week ahead?
Speaker 2:Oh, because she's already going to come Wednesday.
Speaker 1:I mean we never really said what day.
Speaker 2:So it could be something.
Speaker 1:I mean she could come Thursdays and then she's just a week ahead, like so then she just puts the money in. Thursday for the next week. Yeah, yeah, that works. You can just do Thursdays, then Okay, and then or Whoops, or does she come Wednesday and Thursday, because Wednesday she does the stuff with coral. I had it, wow, I had it, wow, I forget, okay.
Speaker 2:I'm going to make this off the shoulder. Oh sexy, I cut this up for you. People Cute. I really like it. It's very collegiate. You're looking very studious. I need a little litter B for bitch yeah.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, you're looking very studious. I need a little litter. Mm-hmm B for bitch. Yeah, okay, here we are. All right, here we go. Are we here? Is anyone there? Is anyone listening? No, I saw that on our thing.
Speaker 2:It said like the sex one was like 45 hell, more people, yeah, yeah it's like the sexy ones and the one with the swingers that one had a lot, a lot more people.
Speaker 1:They wanted to hear about it.
Speaker 2:They were like, maybe we want to be swingers I told you I've been listening to that swing podcast, that podcast off the hook. It's kind of really silly. So I think last time we talked about it a little bit where he God. Maybe I should talk about this on the other episode. The one with the threesome episode, because it's about yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'll talk about it next time All right, fuck off. Okay here we are, welcome to Maximalist Life. I'm your host, brianna, and I'm Tamika, and Maximilist Life.
Speaker 2:I'm your host, brianna, and I'm Tamika, and today we're talking expectations.
Speaker 1:And disappointments, yeah, and managing your own, I guess you're, I guess you're just managing your own expectations of other people. Yeah, yeah, to not be disappointed, yeah, okay, so this conversation started because we had a conversation. No, not we, sorry. You had a conversation with a friend, with a friend, and they were just, I mean, they were just upset that you know their partner hadn't done something, you know, for them for Mother's Day. So that's kind of what like started the whole conversation and then what we continued. Well, so I then had a conversation with another friend the next week about her birthday was coming up and she was worried her boyfriend isn't going to do anything for her birthday or he's going to forget. And she was already mad. She was already mad about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think too. I mean, so this has happened to us too. My husband, maybe this is three years ago and we're still like a little salty about it. I mean we just like make little jabs, but my sister-in-law is both of them. We had like the worst Mother's Day and I mean it wasn't the worst, but it was like we were like you guys just didn't, you guys just don't do shit, you know. And so I mean I try to not make a big deal about it anymore. There's still sometimes just a little anger in me and I have to simmer it down, you know, because I just know that my partner you know everyone hears how much I just love Drew and I'm obsessed with him and he's so good to me, but he just is a horrible gift giver and a horrible at like being romantic and I don't know why that correlates with like special dates. Okay, like I don't know why it's like oh, you have to be such a good gift giver to have like a good mother's day.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying. I see what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Or you have to be like a like you kind of have to be romantic to have a good Valentine's day, right, you know? I don't know why it's like. You know I, I don't know, it's like I want you know, on these days, like you want them to be, like your servant.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I mean, I feel like that's what media leads us to believe and like that's where, you know, businesses like big and small, they just they target those little, like they target the emotional side of women, because we're the majority of the spenders, and they find those little things, those pain points, and they try to, you know, provide solutions to it by like, oh, you can have the best Mother's Day if your husband does this or this or this, and so you get it in your head that, like, that's what they're supposed to do. When is it what they're supposed to do? Yeah, and I get it.
Speaker 2:It's your day to feel special. Sure, right, so you're supposed to feel special. You're supposed to feel appreciated, appreciated. You're supposed to like all these things, just like your birthday, just like on all these dates, like that's what you're supposed to like, I don't know. You're supposed to feel like the queen. The problem is is like so it's hard because, like for Drew, for his birthday or for Father's Day, like he doesn't really give a shit. Yeah, so it's like it. I think it kind of goes down to like your love language a little bit.
Speaker 1:Well, I was going to say because I know that one of your top love languages is gift giving and you love to give gifts to other people and be really thoughtful about your gifts, and so it's hard when people aren't that way towards you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so, and you can't expect that, like you're not supposed to, like you know, do that Well, and I don't think it's really hard, I think.
Speaker 1:Well, and I don't even think it's really like you expect it. I'm saying you, but I mean in general, like people expecting other people to do things that match their love language. It's more just like that's what hits you the hardest because that's kind of that's that so much thought into something yeah, well and it's just like that's what makes you feel the most appreciated or the most loved or whatever. Right, yeah, so it's hard yeah, it's.
Speaker 2:It really is hard. So I mean we I have done mother's days where I have just been like pissed off in the past, you know and where I'm just like simmering and just like you know, or like birthdays, where I've just felt like God, why can't you just like do more? Or why can't you just like you know? Why can't it just be more?
Speaker 2:you know, and you know we had a conversation about this yesterday Drew and I and I mean I don't know why it's like okay to be angry about these things, but it's like Drew doesn't expect me to change and to be like this fucking clean freak. He sets his expectations to like I know she's gonna be messy, she's gonna try to keep it at a minimum. I'm not going to fight with her. I never treat her bad because of it and this is what it is, yeah, and so I don't know why then he deserves for me to not talk to him for three days, be pissed off about it. Like I can't even imagine what would happen if, like, roles were reversed about, like how messy like my stuff is, like my clothes, my closet, specifically my clothes and my jewelry. Yeah, you know, not like anything else, but so I don't you know, when you look at it in that kind of like overall thing, yeah, it's hard not to go, okay. Well, I mean so what that he's not like really super romantic?
Speaker 2:He shows like love in so many different ways and takes care of me and yeah, I mean on Mother's Day I don't have to lift a finger, he'll cook whatever I want, but does he plan this like huge thing. He'll be like okay, what do you want to eat today, you know. And then, like he'll do everything He'll like go to the store. He'll like serve me my drinks and stuff. Like he'll do everything he'll like go to the store, he'll like serve me my drinks and stuff like that. But do I typically get like a card and like flowers? First of all, I always say don't get me flowers I don't I don't want it.
Speaker 2:You know um, they just die. But do I need the card? I'm for me? I'm just gonna throw it away oh, really really. Yeah, I'm a card keeper. I can't have hundreds of years worth of cards in one place, hundreds. Yeah, I keep all my cards. I have like a few, but not very many anymore. I'm just like, okay, thanks, just throw it away, I'll get one next year if I want to keep the one next year, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think it's really hard. I think people set themselves up is the problem Like if this Mother's Day I'd have been? Like if he doesn't fucking get me something because last Mother's Day, whatever, then I'm just like having a bad day, like I'm already setting myself up to be angry and to be pissed, and beforehand I'm simmering in that Like beforehand I'm like already pissed, and then it happens and then you fucking boil over.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is exactly what I was telling this friend about her being upset that she's like I know, I already know he's going to forget my birthday. I already just based off, like other things. She's like I know he's going to forget, he's not going to do anything and I'm going to be, and she was kind of like that's the last straw, like if he doesn't do anything special for my birthday, like I'm done and I'm like look, I can tell you're already mad.
Speaker 1:You're already mad and he hasn't even forgotten your birthday yet. That's the thing is, you're expecting it and, like you said, then, you're already pissed off. So now, so her birthday is in a couple of weeks and so I'm like so you're going to have this underlying like resentment toward him for the next two weeks and then you're going to ruin your own birthday because you're going to. It's going to be kind of like nope, I knew it, you know it's like this, I told you so thing, even though you didn't tell anybody, you didn't say anything to him about it and say anything to him about it.
Speaker 1:And yeah, it's fucked up if your partner doesn't remember your birthday, but it's more so like doing like. I guess what we're saying is them not doing anything special in terms of like gifts or planning like an outing or whatever, where it just doesn't make any sense to me to. If you want to have like this fun birthday or whatever and you know that your partner is not a romantic person, you already know they're not going to plan anything or whatever. Why not just set yourself up for a better day by just helping out a little bit?
Speaker 2:And also like for Mother's Day, for example, or like whatever it is it could be Valentine's Day, whatever, if you just like set it up that one time.
Speaker 2:Like you're like, okay, for mother's day we do a brunch and then, like a tradition, yeah, you just have this tradition where you just do a brunch and then you're like every year, honey, well, let's just do a brunch. It'll make me feel special and like I'm going to tell you now. And then it could be like he could just ask you like okay, what do you think you want for brunch? And then he just like takes care of it or whatever, or or if it's breakfast or whatever, and so I think that is helpful, especially if the women typically are the planners in the relationship. So for me, like I usually plan all the outings, all like the vacations and stuff like that, so I get it. I would feel special if drew then, like you know which he has, he's like we're going to Napa this weekend. Like just tell me the place you want to go, I'm going to plan the whole thing you know, yeah, I would feel special if he did all these things.
Speaker 2:but like you just tell him, like that's what you want to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's hard because I think there's other scenarios in relationships, especially where you talk about like it's unfair to expect people to read your mind. Yes, they can't read your mind, but we don't really talk about that in terms of what we're talking about now when it comes to holidays and stuff like that, because they don't. The thing is too you have to also think about. You have to take so many things into consideration. Like I think about what was their childhood like.
Speaker 1:So what did their family do for their birthdays? Like maybe it wasn't really a big deal, maybe they were just like, yeah, we just go out to dinner or whatever. Like we don't really like do a lot of gifts or maybe who knows. Like you have to take that into consideration first and second, like we said, their love language, like if they're not a gift giver or if they're not this romantic person or they don't do their you know acts of service maybe isn't their thing either and they're more of just like a words of affirmation person. Like maybe they do get you a really nice card, but if or when they write, you know this whole nice thing for you or they tell you how much they appreciate you. But if, but for you, because that doesn't match up.
Speaker 2:You're like I don't give a shit about what he's saying.
Speaker 1:Yeah Right, it doesn't match up with what your expectations are, so it's like you have to just state I think you just have to say it up front like what you want, because they can't read your mind and they don't know, and then you're not on the same page. You're just everyone's disappointed, because not only are you disappointed that they didn't do the things for you that you wanted them to do, but then maybe they did do something. Like I said, even if they got you this card and they spent all this time writing this nice thing for you and that's not enough for you. Now they feel also underappreciated, that they're like look, I just did, you know, I just like spent a lot of time writing this thing and like pouring my heart out to you. And he's like that's not enough for you, right? And so then on both sides now there's resentment over something that was supposed to be a special day, yeah.
Speaker 2:Or like it's just like not really that big of a deal too, like you're not going to break up, I mean okay. So I mean, I think I think about this in two different ways If you're in a marriage and this is happening, or it's just like, okay, mother's Day isn't.
Speaker 1:Like you don't get a gift or whatever. It's not perfect, but I mean, are you guys going to get a divorce over this? So I damn near divorced my first husband over it.
Speaker 2:So he so I mean we were on thin ice, Right.
Speaker 1:He so the one thing, and I still kind of make jokes to him about it. So I was pregnant with my son and Mother's Day was one week before my due date. You've told this story.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was my first Mother's Day and I expected something.
Speaker 1:It's just anything you know, and so that day I like a cart or something. And again you know, at the time, like I didn't say what I expected, or whatever, right, so't do anything.
Speaker 1:He didn't even say. The thing was he didn't even say happy mother's day to me or anything and like he's like calling his mom, calling his grandma, all this stuff didn't say anything to me. And so I was like you, really like you didn't even say happy mother's day to me and he looks at me just bewildered and he's like I mean, you're not a mom yet. And I was like are you fucking kidding?
Speaker 2:me yeah.
Speaker 1:I got this whole yeah, full-grown baby coming out in a week and I'm not a mom yet like yeah, and so it just blew up into this whole thing, right, and I just always like I still give him shit. I'm like, well, now that I'm a real mom, right, right, yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't know. It's like I have like such a. It's like early on you just have to set up like the best expectation for both of you, because otherwise, I mean, I still kind of get a little angry with Drew about stuff like that. I try to keep it within myself, the way that he keeps things within himself.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So that we don't really fight Like. You know, drew, every time we fight and like we don't talk for days or whatever he's like, you're just like wasting our days. You know that we don't get him back Like, so we got to like, let's just talk about it, get over it and then we try better next time. You know, but both in these situations we both don't do better, yeah.
Speaker 2:I know, but I mean, it is one thing, okay, so I. What I was going to bring up, though, was remember when you were dating Anthony and you were had already thought I might break up with him. I'm not sure, I don't really know. I have my birthday coming up. I don't really know. It's going to be this weird thing, I'm not really sure, and so, instead of like you, you and I had talked about it and I go okay, so you could go you guys had a day planned in San Francisco for your birthday, and which, yeah he planned, like he planned a whole thing, and you were like I just don't know, I don't know I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know how I'm going to feel about it, I don't know how I'm going to just have the ick with him all day, I don't know. And so, instead of you just going like, okay, I'm just going to go along with it and just see what happens, we were just like just don't do that with him anymore. And then you plan something completely separate so that you knew you would have a good day.
Speaker 2:And I think that that is the thing is like okay for the birthday girl here that you're talking about, like she just needs to plan something so she doesn't have a bad day. You can then go and discuss these things and say like, look, I did all this stuff because I wanted to have a good day, but I would appreciate it. And I just feel like these things need to change because this is what I want. It's hard to like, okay, like we say we want all these things, but then like, are you perfect for their birthday? Are you doing exactly what they want for their birthday and what they need? Or just like you're just doing something so over the top, because you know that, like they don't do anything for you too.
Speaker 1:Or you're just doing stuff. That again it's like what you, if it were your birthday, what you would want, but it's not necessarily what they would want.
Speaker 2:Or whatever comes easy for you, like for me. It would be easy for me just to plant for Drew, like a plant a day in Napa, like that's easy. But for drew, whatever, for whatever reason, when it comes to like my birthday or whatever, that it doesn't, those things don't come easy. Whatever, I would want to expect.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So that's the thing too.
Speaker 1:I know, I know, you know I think is funny it's not funny. But sometimes I feel like if the guy doesn't do anything like how about when the guy doesn't really do anything for Mother's Day and then Father's Day is a month later, and so then you don't do shit for him?
Speaker 2:you're like, well, you didn't do shit for me and it just continues this cycle of like, but I find that the guys don't really give a shit. Yeah, they're like whatever. Yeah, it's not the same thing, it which? Is crazy, maybe because we actually birth the kids and so then people are like oh you know, it's more of a special day.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But I just don't see or maybe because I'm not in those conversations with men, I don't know, but I don't know why it's like, well, we don't have to do as much for the guys, like you know, it seems like that, yeah, like I don't know, yeah, so I don't know. It's so weird for me. I, I can't see, like do we have to do like this huge extravagant thing, like they're not expecting flowers and a card and all these things? You know?
Speaker 1:I know maybe some of them are yeah, I mean some.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I mean, I like it.
Speaker 1:I do feel like the majority are just like whatever, yeah, you is. You just say happy father's day, that's enough.
Speaker 2:They're like cool thanks yeah, I mean you think about like your grandfathers or whatever. They're just like thanks here's your tie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I could not imagine my grandpa being upset if, if no one did any crazy thing like this kind of day and age.
Speaker 2:It's just become such a thing, so commercialized, yes, like Mother's Day, and so like what were they doing in the 60s? Were they just like the dad just cooks dinner and that's?
Speaker 1:it. But when was Mother's Day created? I don't know. We should probably look that up. Was it even a thing in the 60s? I don't know. Or even just like Valentine's Day created, I don't know. We should probably look that up. Was it even a thing in the 60s? Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Or even just like Valentine's Day. You know like it's like you know, this whole thing, like the flowers and the card and then going to dinner, and I mean we talked about that a little bit it's just like yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know. I just think too, like, why does it have to be this, this? It depends on the holiday that we're talking about, but like Valentine's Day, for example, it's like I I'm not one of those people who's like, I don't believe in Valentine's Day, but I also feel like I don't want someone to just go so above and beyond and do some extravagant thing over this fake holiday, if the rest of the year you're going to treat me like shit. That's true too like.
Speaker 1:I would rather you just be like like a good partner the whole year and then, all right, maybe we do something a little extra special that day, or maybe we don't. To me it doesn't really like I don't really care about that holiday.
Speaker 2:Yeah I don't know what it is about. Mother's Day that we just like think is just like this holy grail of the holidays. For us, it's just like our fucking day. Yeah, and they better be on their knees.
Speaker 1:You know, and it's so it's different, it's weird, Like, okay, so for me, like you know, I don't have a partner. Well, and it's not even so much a partner. It's like it is a little bit different. I think when you are divorced and it's a it's a little bit of a different scenario, because divorced parents, first of all, don't always get along. I mean, luckily for me, I do really get along with Bentley's dad, but it's like when the child is going back and forth to different houses, it's like you're in this weird situation. So, for example, for his dad he's remarried. Example, for his dad, he's remarried.
Speaker 1:And so there's times where, like we used to do like when my son was younger, we would do like you know, I would make sure that he like made his dad a card for Father's Day or like get him a gift, like we kind of used to like get these little gifts and stuff. And then, I don't know, I think maybe it's just because he's married now that I'm like, maybe it's her job, it is, I feel like it's her job to do that.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that's proper to like, say that or whatever, but or to think that. But also I feel like at what point I always feel like I'm careful about things that are inappropriate where I know it's like from my son to his dad.
Speaker 1:It's not like from me, but it's like is it weird that I'm like taking him to buy a gift, that like I'm buying it for him? You know what I mean. And so I'm always like I don't know, I just feel like, as long as you, well, and it's different now, because his dad lives out of state.
Speaker 2:Right, so it's a little bit different, right.
Speaker 1:Where it's not like he's going to be at their house for that weekend or something. But yeah, it is different when you, like you don't have a partner or your kid's, like parent isn't in the situation. So, like for this year for Mother's Day, I was like I mean, I'm not expecting anything because what, who, who's going to do anything?
Speaker 1:You know, I don't have like a partner or anybody. So I was like, yeah, I mean, and I wasn't really worried about it, because to me too I feel like I mean I feel lucky that I had Bentley the whole year and so I was just like, you know, I'm just grateful for that and that like Bentley gets to live here when you know his dad lives out of state now and it could be that like I wouldn't even have him on Mother's Day and Bentley, I mean he just turned 13. So technically he's 12 on Mother's Day this year. But I mean I just feel like he'd like on his own, like did his little, like he just was like so loving towards me all day and just like didn't give me grief about you know any little thing, about the chores or whatever. And then he would be like, well, what are we having for dinner? Like what do you want? Because it's mother's day, so we can have whatever you want. And he kept saying that about everything is whatever you want.
Speaker 1:And then he like made me these little coupons you know, like the little like a little coupon, I'll do whatever like chore, extra chore or whatever, and so I just thought that was really nice, and so it was kind of nice to have, like a kid that's a little bit older. You kind of think of it himself, because I know his dad didn't tell him to do that um, so that was nice, but yeah, it's, it's weird, because I guess what I'm saying is being a mom on Mother's Day without a partner, I had zero expectations and I wasn't upset about it.
Speaker 1:I wasn't oh I don't want anyone to do anything Like I literally was just like whatever. But I know for a fucking fact if I was married or if I was, I'd be like not gonna do shit, huh. So it's just kind of weird. I don't know why we put that on them.
Speaker 2:I don't know and I think we're like. I mean we're really shitting on the guys right now. I know.
Speaker 1:And that's why.
Speaker 2:I keep trying to play devil's advocate a little bit with you know, like it's not just. I think we're trying to talk about just managing expectations, and it's funny that I just find that so many women around that I surround myself with often say like yeah, I mean I surround myself with, often say like yeah, I mean Mother's Day wasn't great Right, or like I expect this to their partners.
Speaker 1:So then their partners really have to work hard on that day.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think, it's I don't know, I don't know, it's such a weird thing and like. So, this Mother's Day I did nothing, and not in a bad way, in a good way. I literally slept all fucking day. Which is what you wanted, I didn't, and here's the thing. It worked out like that I wasn't like hey, drew and Tamiya, I just want to sleep all day.
Speaker 2:I got up. My allergies were crazy. It was the day after my party we went to my grandma's. All of us went to my grandma's for a couple hours and then we came home and we're just chilling having memos and I literally slept all fucking day, yeah. And you know, good thing drew didn't have something planned because I really needed that and he just let me sleep. He just let me sleep all day. In between, when I woke up, he'd be like what do you want to eat, or do you want to have a drink, or whatever?
Speaker 2:and I just fucking slept all day literally on the couch like a slug, and so that was perfect. And even the next day I was, I text him and to me like thank you for just letting me sleep all day and not having to do one thing right like that's what I wanted, um so yeah, I don't know, that is nice, I know and I was, I okay.
Speaker 1:So I debated on if I want to bring this up or not, a little, but, like I said before, I mean my mom doesn't listen to this podcast, so yeah, yeah, so I mean it. It this whole thing that we're talking about with like expecting things of people. It's not really like just partners, it's just like everyone in your life. It can be your parents, it can can be friends, whatever. So, like I mentioned, you know, bentley turned 13 earlier this week and we have a family group text and my family isn't like super close or whatever, so we just kind of text things like Merry Christmas or like whatever, like stuff like that. And so my grandpa had put in there like Happy Birthday, bentley, whatever like that morning. So everyone is texting Happy Birthday Because everyone lives out of state too.
Speaker 1:Like I always forget when we're on here talking like people don't necessarily know our situation, but like Bentley and I are the only ones who live in California, so everyone else lives out of state and so that's why we're texting and not like together. So anyway, my mom who does? She lives in Utah, she is out of state too, but like she just texted in the group text, just like everyone else, just like happy birthday, or you're finally a teenager, whatever, and that was it. Like she didn't call him, she didn't send a car, nothing, and I was, you know. I would like to say that I was like super disappointed, but like I kind of was just expecting that. Um, so I wasn't really upset, like I wasn't mad, I was just kind of like yeah, you know, it was just sort of a little irritated mm-hmm, yeah, and I don't know that Bentley really like thinks anything of it.
Speaker 1:I'm not really sure and you don't want to bring it up and ask because put it in his head so I don't, you know, wouldn't say anything about it, but, um, it was just kind of like that's your only grandkid, I know, and it's hard to.
Speaker 1:I think it's hard because so my grandma was just like so above and beyond for us, um, like unrealistic for most people to be able to do, I mean for a long time. Like she was retired, like kind of earlier on, and she just did so much stuff for us, like for every holiday or even things like weren't even big days or whatever. And so I think it's hard because it's like that's my expectation of a grandma and so it's hard to put that on my mom and so I try not to be like you know, like how would it have been if my grandma was here? But it's the reason why I say like I'm not really surprised or didn't really feel super disappointed. I think it's just because a long time ago I had to accept like this is just who my mom is and so like she doesn't really she doesn't call me on my birthday either. It's just like that's just the type of person she is. She's not gonna, she's not super emotional, she doesn't make a big deal out of like birthdays, holidays. She doesn't like try to make things special or whatever she just like. I think for so much of her life she was just in like survival mode and I feel like she just kind of like still in that mindset where it's like you're not really like celebrating things and worrying about this, like stuff. That's kind of frivolous maybe. And so I think when I was like, especially in my early 20s oh my God, I would be pissed at her Every time she would like not call me for my birthday or not do something. I would be so mad.
Speaker 1:And then with us living out of state, you know, it's like when I first moved away from home, it was like I was just expecting her to contact me so much Like I mean, I'm her oldest kid, I was the first one to move away, and it was like I barely heard from her and I was just like I can't even fucking believe, like I thought you'd be calling me every day, you know, and so I I remember specifically I was at work one time and I was so mad at my mom and there's this like older lady who worked with us and she was like yo, what's wrong? And I was telling her I'm just like you're my mom, I'm like I'm not fucking calling her, like I'm not gonna call her until she calls me. And I was. I said I, I want to know. Like I want to know how long it would take for her to reach out. And then this lady was like but do you really want to know? Like you know. And I was like, oh, why do you have to be this like wise old lady?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I mean she doesn't know, your mom doesn't know that you're waiting her out, she doesn't know. So she could go so long, and then I'm just getting more and more and more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it was one of those things where it was just like, okay, you're right, like I don't really want to know that my mom is okay to not talk to me for six months because, who knows, tough, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I was like okay, yeah, and I had to like kind of work on that for some time to be like and I think that's what like we're talking about is just you have like, you can't change people.
Speaker 2:No, you can't. We are ever want to be in the game of changing people.
Speaker 1:I mean, we already know you can't change people and people can't read your mind. And it's like if you want to have someone in your life at all, you you have, like you have only a couple options. You either have to just accept you have to accept exactly who they are and just like let that be and be okay with that. Or you take the risk of like I mean maybe not risk, but if it's your partner or something, I mean you could just say like say what your expectations are, kind of like set boundaries with other people, whatever, and then it's on them to like follow that or not, and then, whether they, you know, if they don't, then it's back on you to decide do I want to continue having a relationship with this person? Whatever, that relationship is Right. So I mean, those are really your only options. You don't have an option to turn them into this romantic person or turn them into this mom. That's like this you know, super grandma. Or like you just can't do that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I mean as much as like we say, like you can train the boys from when they're younger and stuff, or they can at least like kind of help.
Speaker 2:You know you can kind of help along the way of like this is what I expect. You know that's like, say, but I mean so the same thing happened, this for my birthday my dad didn't text me, didn't call me or anything. And it's crazy to me because my dad, his dad and the person that raised him and I all have the same birthday, all three of us, oh my. God, that's what's crazy. The three like most important people that were in his life whether it's good or bad or whatever, all have the same fucking birthday.
Speaker 1:So it's not like he forgot, no I mean he forgot, but like he's crazy, not like he should, I mean those two are.
Speaker 2:The two are dead, so it's just me. And so, um, he texts me a week or two later and was just like, oh my God, it's past the seventh Happy birthday and it's so just to the T of my dad and Britt just goes. Why do you just let him like treat you like that all the time? And you know, the funny thing is I didn't text back. Like I saw it, I was at work and then I just I still haven't texted him back, and not like on purpose, but also like he doesn't give a shit, right, you know, like so it doesn't really matter. Um, I mean, he's a shitty dad. I still try to be like good to him because he had a shitty upbringing, and I'm trying to like prove to him that like people will still love you, even you know through everything and even though who you were and stuff and all that yeah but I mean, and you know it doesn't hurt my feelings that he doesn't um at all like I don't.
Speaker 2:It never hurts my feelings that he doesn't call me or anything, because I know the type of person he is and I'm also just like. I mean I'm really the only person in his life that knows like him at all. Right, so I'm not just going to be like, okay, we'll go fuck off, you know. So yeah, I mean that's a kind of little bit. I mean I want to use the word abuse because I do think for me it is just like the mistreatment of him is a little abusive, but so I just feel like I just let that just slide. I just let it slide, but I also completely expect that from him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then there's no disappointment. Exactly, that's yeah, yeah, exactly, because you could have been so upset about it, crying about it, and upset, and it's like oh, it's my dad, like why doesn't he give fuck? Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's how I felt about my mom.
Speaker 1:I was just like I could have been so upset this whole week at her about it.
Speaker 1:But I was just like you know, that's just like I could have been so upset this whole week at her about it. But I was just like you know, that's just like how it is, and and I don't know, it's like I'm trying to have these conversations too, with my son without like saying, you know, I'm talking about your grandma, like just saying, like bringing it up in conversations as we talk about these things and as I'm thinking about stuff, just saying like you know, you just have to realize who people are.
Speaker 2:And do you ever say any like? Would you ever say anything to her in a joking way or in a not joking way about it, without, like just pointing it out, not really expecting her to change or anything? Do you ever say like, or would you be like, well, that's kind of rude of you not to you know, like like that, or just be like, yeah, I mean, I kind of was disappointed that you just didn't put more of an effort in, but also not expecting anything her to change, you know, in any way, do you ever say anything about these things or no?
Speaker 1:I used to, Like I said a long time ago, Because even when I was pissed at her, I only really remember one time when I was like I think I was 21 or 22. And I just like blew up at her about shit and it was like the fact that she was so surprised told me everything.
Speaker 1:Because, I'm like you're so surprised, like I don't know, and so, and the thing is so, with my mom I mean you can't joke like that. Oh, you can't. Like I couldn't, I would not joke, I would just have to tell her seriously, and I don't know, like I'm not really sure, how she would take it. I know I do.
Speaker 1:My mom is a highly sensitive person and which is interesting because she's not like emotionally and then, but like, if someone criticizes her, she's like upset huh extremely, and I think that, um, the other thing that's tough with this specific situation is, I know from my childhood, like so, growing up we all did live like my whole family extended everybody lived all together in California and so my like extended family my grandparents really took care of me and my sister too, because my mom was working a lot and stuff and so, um, there were times where, like family members stepped in to do things, like to be helpful, where my mom kind of took it like oh, you think I'm a shitty mom, like I can't fucking do that kind of a thing, and she, she would get so like defensive, so upset.
Speaker 1:So it's like I feel like she already thinks that she's like not a good mom or a good grandma or like that. I think she knows how everyone felt or feels about my grandma and that like she couldn't really live up to that even if she tried to, and so it's kind of sensitive, like I don't know how I would bring it up in a way that would be a productive conversation with her. So I just don't.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean think about it in the opposite way. The things that we struggle with, like that we you know that we wish we were better at, or that we could be better at.
Speaker 2:We see these barriers and so then, looking at your partner or whoever you're, you know, putting these expectations on, we have to be able to see in that too, like they're having these struggles within themselves to like have these barriers, like they think it's just like, so like it's like climbing a mountain for them to be able to like hit your expectations, so like they can't get there yeah, so and so when you kind of like you know, get on them about it, it's like it just makes it so much worse because they're like I knew it, like I knew that I like am a disappointment as like a partner or whatever, and it just kind of like eats away at them.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Ooh yeah Cause I think in relationships like that is like one of the biggest things is like coming at them, like looking at this person in any relationship, whether it's your parents or your kids or whatever, and kind of seeing it through their lens, and I think we often don't do that. We often just be like. We're often just like, oh, you didn't do this, instead of like, well, why didn't you do this? Why do you feel like you can't do this? Why do you? You know all these things?
Speaker 2:you know, and then kind of, it's not that we should lower our standards, but like, especially if our standards are high and we know they're high not for everything, but like a few things you know we can like be like okay, they're good enough.
Speaker 1:Well, and I do think, like if you do want to say something to someone, it's more like the way I personally would go about it instead of like the way I personally would go about it. Instead of like that, I feel I guess safer to say, instead of to say like, hey, how come you didn't do this? Or whatever is like. For example, if I were to say something to my mom, I would just say like hey, like I just want to let you know, like I felt pretty upset about this and this, like I would say like this, how I felt about what happened or didn't happen, and then go from there. But yeah, it's tricky because it could be like it could be this way with even like friends or anybody, where it's just like you can't really expect, like you can't expect every single person. I always say, like you can't expect every single person to be able to fill every single one of your needs.
Speaker 2:Right and for and because, like, everyone's not perfect, so like it's really hard to expect them to be like this perfect thing. I mean, I guess we have to pick and choose where what things are really important to us, yeah, and then like, then set those expectations and those boundaries and I think too, like, um, knowing what is like really important. Is this mother's day thing? I don't know why I keep going back to this. Is it such an important thing in your life that this one day it needs to be like this? Is that the thing, or is the thing like your daily life is like what's really important?
Speaker 1:yeah, it's like what's the core? What's the core issue here, right? Is it that you just in general, by your partner, feel under appreciated? Right exactly that could, if that's this, and then you know when you come to mother's day where you go. Well, at least on mother's day you could have done something. But maybe it's really just like a bigger issue that needs to be discussed.
Speaker 2:I think, yeah, I think that that's the thing Like you need to realize, like what's going on here. Why is this?
Speaker 1:upsetting me so much, right, right, yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's like such a tough situation to be in, I think, when you're like putting expectations on other people on how like expectations on how you see they value you because you're feeling like they don't value you in those like situations. Or they're not recognizing you, like for the birthday thing, you're not recognizing it's my birthday, but fuck, I was just born this day. You know like I mean, yeah, when you bring it down like yeah, you're know.
Speaker 2:Like I mean, when you bring it down like yeah, you're turning 40, you're doing it, but when you bring it down into the simplest terms, you didn't do anything, oh my God. So like, yeah, maybe your dad should, your dad should, yeah, say happy birthday, yeah, birthday, and all these things, but you didn't do anything. It's not your college graduation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, where they should show up for your college graduation. Well, yeah, it's like right, you don't have to say yeah, oh, my gosh, and I feel like it's also I don't know, I don't know where I was. It's like you were saying I don't know. It's like even I don't even know what I was saying. I literally it just like flew out of my brain.
Speaker 2:Okay, you know that happens. Yeah, it just like goes right out.
Speaker 1:It's like, as you were saying something, I was like yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, and as soon as you open your mouth, you're like I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 2:So I think, yeah, I think that's something to think about, and so we're, I think, specifically talking about like, yes, all these things like those are things that you should really talk to your partner about, like and or your parents, or whatever you know Um and so, and being there for you, and all those cause I do think you should set boundaries and tell them like these are the things, because you shouldn't have to like feel like, oh, mother's day is coming up and god, I have to tell him everything or I'm gonna be so upset every year. That's why I'm like make a tradition so that you don't like that he knows. Make it simple, whatever it is, so that it just I mean you would like your partner to make things simpler for you. For sure, yeah, you know. So it's almost like why can't you then do that for them?
Speaker 1:too. Yeah, and I think, and then just going within yourself to see like why, why things upset you or what things are important to you, like he's like just you have to kind of decide like what things are important to you. Yeah, like he's like, you have to kind of decide like what things are important to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if the Mother's Day or the birthday, you're like, look, this is the one time of year where I feel like I take something for myself and I don't give so much to my family or my friends, and so this is the one day where I would appreciate if you guys did this for me. I think you can just say that to your friends and family and all that stuff and you know, and so hopefully they do do what you need them to do, and if they don't, then you can decide then, like where you need to go from there, right, yeah, yeah. But don't just like set yourself up to fail and to be unhappy and to be pissed and then like throw a fit and a tantrum because that sucks Like that sucks for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to say I think like we're, we're saying like, oh, make it easier for your partner, or whatever, but really like the, the main like message I think that we're trying to get through is like, just do all this stuff for yourself to make yourself happier and not feel disappointed and feel pissed off all the time, whether it's like a holiday or not. You just yeah. I mean, you can't change people. You have to just decide who you want in your life and then you have to just be okay with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Like for my birthday this year, I wanted to throw this dinner party and like I don't expect my family to like take over that and like read my mind on, like what I wanted to look like and all these things. But I expect like when I do these things, it's like expected that everyone is so beyond helpful, that like any, and I think that that is one thing they do. They see, they start to see that I'm stressed or overwhelmed and then they kind of just crowd and go okay, what do we? What do we need to do and who needs to do what?
Speaker 2:And that's where, like Tamiya, britt, andrew, like really take control and just go, it's fine. What do we need to do?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because they've seen me throughout the years just stress over these things that I want to be done in a certain way, and then they're just like mom just has a whole fit and she's so pissed off, so like like we're just going to help and then we don't have to think about it, no one has to be so upset. And so I think those are the like little things too, that like they just see it coming and then they just kind of take over and react.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think your ability to communicate whatever your needs and wants are is super important. I mean, even at work, like definitely in the past, especially when I first started having employees, it was like I had these expectations of people and like I just didn't. I wasn't like super clear about what my expectations were. So I would often be disappointed and feel like why don't you do it this way? Or like why don't you care enough to like do X, y and Z, when I never communicated to them that, like those were the things that were important about their job or about whatever. And so over time, that was something I had to learn Like I just need to be super clear about like what the expectations are so they know like okay, if it's not, you know we're not hitting those expectations, then she's probably gonna be disappointed instead of them having to like read my mind and like guess and whatever I think that's the thing too, like people can't read people's minds.
Speaker 2:And also like even I mean it comes back to this the whole time like just because you expect it to be, like that doesn't mean that some people are just going to put the bare minimum to get there.
Speaker 2:They're not going to go above and beyond the expectation because they don't give a shit about it. Especially in situations like this, where we're talking about like work situations, people are like this isn't my life, I don't give a fuck, I'm going to do like the bare minimum, where she's going to be like okay, she got it done, but it's not going to be over and beyond that. Maybe for that person, some people, it's going to be over and beyond, and I mean I think that it just boils down to we're all human, so there's going to be things that are highs and things that are lows for some people.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And it's the reality of the situation Well, and I think what happens too, is like in any of these scenarios. What happens is you expect from other people what you would have done in that situation. And so to me, if it's like, for example, a work thing and I go, well, I would have gone above and beyond, like I would have done this and this and this and I and it's not necessarily just because like this, yeah, of course it's my business. No one's going to care about your business more than you do.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But I just look back at my past, like jobs and stuff, and I always feel like I always went above and beyond and tried to like do the best, do the most, and like that's just I, just that's just how my work ethic always was, I guess, and so, but you know, everyone is not you and so, yeah, they have different priorities, they have different, I guess, their own expectations too about what work should be or whatever.
Speaker 2:So it's just Right, yeah, Right right right, right, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:I know, it's it really. I mean everything we're talking about really like bleeds into every aspect of your life, mm-hmm. Any type of relationship that you have is affected by this kind of thing is affected by this kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think really, you know, in order to kind of maximize like your life and all that, you, I think, need to take control. Yeah, and you need to set your own boundaries on what. Like you know what you expect from people. To what am I trying to say? Like you need to like tell people basically like this is what I expect from people. To what am I trying to say, like you need to like tell people basically like this is what I expect, yeah, and then you have to decide.
Speaker 1:You just make a decision from.
Speaker 2:There.
Speaker 1:Yep, once you put the line in the sand, it's up to them to cross it or not.
Speaker 2:And what you're going to take from that or not, right, yep, and so it kind of sucks. I feel like we're all way. All of us are in some way disappointed with people or with things, the way things work out. Sure, and I mean, you got to decide on how that's going to affect you. Yeah, if you're going to be pissed or you're going to, you know, ruin your birthday.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't want to ruin my birthday, me neither.
Speaker 2:That's all I'll just do. I'd rather plan the whole thing and be so overwhelmed with planning and stressed out than feel like no one did anything for me. Yeah, I'll just do it for myself, because I know that I will do it the best way and I'll do my expectation. I will make my expectation.
Speaker 1:That's how I felt about that year when I threw my 80s prom themed birthday party. It was just like I just I want to do this and I'm not expecting anyone else to like do this for me or throw me a party. So like I'm just gonna throw my own fucking party, throw my own birthday party, and I want it to be themed and I want it to be a murder mystery and I want everybody to dress up. So I'm telling everybody this is what I want you to do.
Speaker 1:I want you to come to this party. I want you to wear this 80s prom outfit and then you know, you can come or not, you decide. Yeah, I just said what I wanted and then I just put it on and did it. And yeah, I did. I was fucking stressed about it, but it was really. I had a good time. I was like I had fun and that was all that mattered to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly yeah.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I mean just do it yourself, yeah, I know, and then just have people help you, tell them that you need yeah, yeah, yeah. I rather just make like my mom's, kind of like that too, where if I'm just like, hey, mom, come over and help me with my birthday for me, I I would have text like the type person I am. I would text her the night before like, okay, what time do you need me to get there? What do you need me to bring? My mom will just kind of just mosey on in at whatever time and just be like, okay, so I have to tell her okay, mom, these are the things I need you to get and this is the time you need to be here, and then she'll be there.
Speaker 2:If it's 7am and I need her to go to the store the day before and buy all this shit, she will do that. But I just can't leave her. I can't leave it up to her to just like do it. Yeah, you know. So I have to give really specific directions. Yeah, which that's fine, that works. I'm not upset about that. In the end, it's more helpful. Yeah, so I think it's better.
Speaker 1:I think so too. Well, I do wonder if people agree with this.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Especially about stuff in the beginning we talked about like the Mother's Day stuff or the birthday thing, especially things about your partner.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So let us know if you agree or disagree and why. Send us a DM on our Instagram at maximalistlifepodcast and we'll see you guys next time. Hope you're having fun. Tits up, Dicks out. Where the fuck is this client? Yeah, so the client didn't come huh Am I here no.
Speaker 2:Here. Let me pull up here Where's Gabby she left.