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Maximalist Life
This is Maximalist Life, with Brianna Gamble and Tamika Stringfellow. This unfiltered podcast is your permission slip to chase after everything you damn well desire.
Join us as we dish out no-holds-barred conversations and invite you to step into a life filled with limitless possibilities. Forget fear and embrace the maximalist mentality with us every week.
Get ready to experience piss your pants laughter, cringe-worthy truths, and be inspired to break free from living a mediocre life.
Maximalist Life
Ep 33 - You Can Love Your Kids and Still Miss the Old You
Episode Summary:
Brianna and Tamika get real about how easy it is to lose yourself in motherhood—and how to reclaim your identity without the guilt. 👯♀️
👶 Mom groups and playdates can start to feel like your whole world revolves around your kids (and only your kids)
🛑 Setting boundaries with your kids is everything—you're their parent, not their therapist
💭 That guilt for needing alone time? Totally normal… but totally unnecessary. You can love your babies and crave space
🕰️ Bedtime routines and clear “grown-up time” = a lifesaver for your sanity (and your relationship)
💬 Regular check-ins with your partner help avoid that slow build of resentment
⏰ Waking up a little earlier or staying up a little later can give you those precious moments of YOU time
✨ You were a full, fabulous person before kids—and you still are now
🧘♀️ Taking breaks, recharging, and doing you makes you a better parent—not a selfish one
Stay Connected:
📲 Follow us on Instagram: @maximalistlifepodcast
🎙️ Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify – it helps us so much!
Alright, here we go.
Speaker 2:patchwork, patch, pussies Do people ever do like checkerboard pussy designs, shavings, shavings.
Speaker 1:I don't know if there's any waxers out there. Has anyone asked you to do like a really weird like shape, wax it into their post-puff?
Speaker 2:A cat on your kitty cat, yeah, ew, okay, say welcome to Maximus Life, so we can keep this all in Welcome to Maximus Life, so we can keep this all in Perfect Hi. Welcome to.
Speaker 1:Maximusist life. I'm your host, brianna, and I'm tamika, and we're talking about mom's shit today, oh no boring, yeah, just kidding, okay, but like you know, I we've been starting out these with these questions yeah, fun.
Speaker 2:Okay, I have a question what color is your penis?
Speaker 1:yeah, you're probably being alright, if you were a character from a TV show. Who are you and why?
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't like TV, what? Yeah, I don't watch anything, okay, um not a good answer I know, give me a character from a book okay, I'm just kidding um from a tv show. Tv show, okay, that's like such like a general question. It's too general. No, it isn't, yeah, like any fucking tv show in the whole world. Yeah, that's so hard I would be.
Speaker 1:I think I am leslie nope from parks and rec I don't know who.
Speaker 2:That is what I mean. I know the show. I don't know the characters on there.
Speaker 1:Oh well, she's really weird and what's she look like? She's kind of like over. It's uh, amy poehler, oh amy poehler. So I mean I, yeah, I don't look like she's kind of like over it's Amy Poehler, oh Amy Poehler. So I mean, yeah, I don't look like her, but I think her character.
Speaker 2:Someone said that recently, Sent that in. They said oh, that's who you remind me of.
Speaker 1:Amy says that I remind her of Amy Poehler.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone sent it into our maximalist life Instagram. Oh this life instagram. Oh, I think it was. Maybe. I think it was maybe. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, she said that you're that's who you're like.
Speaker 1:That's funny. Yeah, I'll take it. Yeah, leslie knott from parks and rec. She is. I mean, she's like a little overly ambitious and but she's also just like so annoying, like she kind of stresses everyone out of all the shit that she wants to do and it's like trying to hype everyone up. Yeah, it's like fuck off, and then she is like kind of weird, like a little awkward yeah, that's me. I have no answer for you. I'm trying to think of one that you would be. You would be like uh I know I be.
Speaker 2:I'd be fucking Emily Gilmore from Gilmore Girls. That's me. Mean grandma, that's how I'm going to be. I already know and I'm old. I don't know what it is about Asian grandmas they're so fucking mean, or your I?
Speaker 1:can't remember her name, the Asian girl, her mom.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, Miss Kim, yeah, yeah, I am her too. Nah, she's super christian yeah yeah, she's just.
Speaker 2:She's a little too like religious for me, that is so you know, I had a client, the other day and they're like, they're telling me about vacaville and how they're moving away from vacaville because they hate this place. Yeah, I couldn't believe. She told me that, yeah, and then she was telling me about like being religious and being here or whatever. And she was like, I mean, I don't know if you're religious and I was like, no, don't worry, like she is or she isn't, she isn't. She was talking about living here and how, um, she's like tatted up. She's got the uh like holes in her ears. What are those called the big ones? Gauges? Yeah, she has gauges in her ears and she had colorful hair, pink hair and stuff like uh-huh and uh, like a little alt girl, so cute.
Speaker 2:And she was just talking about like she met a bunch of people here and they look like her and she's like, oh, we could be friends. You know, you look like your little alt too. And then she found out that they're super religious and they actually have not the same beliefs. And then she's like and then I don't want to hang out with them. That's tough. And I was like, yeah, I mean finding like your community and like being in a place where she was like I'm not from here, I was from Southern California, and then her husband was from like I don't know somewhere, like oh, he's from Indiana, and she was like which is crazy because, like he's like a california boy you know and like.
Speaker 2:So she moved here and she was just like yeah, we're moving away, we're moving to washington or whatever she was like I just can't stand this area and I was like really to move. And she was like my kids are still young, like she, her oldest. Her youngest is five and her next the oldest one is going into fourth grade. She was like so we just decided like let's just go. And I was like wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Mm-hmm. And so then I find it interesting that not just like all different kind of walks of life, don't feel comfortable here.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, I mean, if you are white and Christian, I'm sure you feel really comfortable here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she said she doesn't even like to go to any of the coffee shops here because they it's a religious agenda she feels like which I mean, yeah, I get it Whatever Most of the I go. Yeah, I mean that's why I go to Starbucks, which isn't better, but it's quick and I just don't have to worry about things. You know, I don't know, I like some of the coffee shops here. She was talking about the new one, enjoy, and I was like, yeah, yeah, I haven't been there. It is in a really hard spot for us, it's really far.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's not a good location so far, but if you live by Kaiser, great location for you.
Speaker 2:That's probably amazing that there's a coffee shop over there. Um, I see, I also like that. It's women owned, women owned. It is women owned. I think her parents own the building or whatever and then, uh, she wanted to do that, which I think is super cool, and I think that that's why she did it out there, because they own the oh shirt. Yeah yes yeah, her parents own that. I think that's what I heard.
Speaker 2:She says she owns it oh, I heard it was her parents and then they were like yeah, you could do all this stuff here if you want, but I don't know, yeah, interesting, no, maybe. Yeah, if it is her, that's I think that's so cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know for sure the coffee shop and stuff, but yeah, whatever, I always I like this stuff they post on their social media yeah, and I always.
Speaker 2:I used to use oh sure, you're all the time, but I love yeah, yeah, I think it's a great business.
Speaker 1:That's where we get all of our merch. Yeah, like our campaign.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah so, yeah, I need to go check that out, like I need to. Like I talk shit about, like the other places here that I don't want to patronize, so I should go patronize the ones yeah, we should go check that place out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, um, I know that one. Uh, I do think it's more of like a mom hangout it is.
Speaker 2:I've seen them post a lot or I see like a lot of moms groups saying they're going there yeah, because it has a whole outdoor like fenced in, kids like play area basically and I saw they were having this girls night. It's gonna be. I know I'm so mad because I was like there's two events that girls just want to have fun in.
Speaker 1:Sack is having a dinner party where it's like dressed to impress and it's that's it's when we're going weekend I know I saw another event for that weekend too that I want to. I was like, damn, that weekend is just that's the weekend and we're gonna be gone doing something hella fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're gonna have way more fun, so I know I hope that they uh, do that like another girls night event yeah, I think it'll be fun. Yeah, and we should tell all of our people that we're going and then maybe they'll come too. Yeah, it'd be fun, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1:So I don't know. I mean like, uh, I want to go check it out. I mean we don't have little kids that would hang out in the play area, but I want to check out their coffee and just check the whole thing out. Um, I mean, we talked about this before about like being a mom and like we never really felt like I mean, obviously it's much different for you because just you were younger, but like not really feeling like you fit in with, like the other moms, or just like you're not like I'm. I was never like a play date mom, yeah like I was.
Speaker 1:Not I don't want to do that, I don't. I mean I did. I did it because I wanted my son to have friends, but I was just like I don't really want to like hang out and talk and like every, because what I find is that all the conversation revolves around the kids yeah, I do feel like when I meet some moms, and especially stay-at-home moms, which if they don't care, that's totally, totally fine.
Speaker 2:I don't want to just talk about your kids all the time. So for me I feel bad that you like that's all you can come up with in conversation is like, oh, your kid did this or your kid did this, I feel like when we would go out and even still now people ask me about my kids because I don't really talk about it, because I'm like I mean that's just not my whole personality, right, and I don't want it to be about my like, all about me, and also I don't know. I mean I guess that's my personality too. I'm just not very braggy and so it just feels like I mean sometimes it's not, it's just like, yeah, I'm just struggling to find this or this for my kid or whatever.
Speaker 2:But a lot of times I feel like when some moms is just like they're just constantly bragging about their kids and I'm just like I mean I don't give a shit if your kid colored that, or like I don't give a shit that they did this thing, like I really don't care, like honestly, I do not give a shit, and so it's hard for me to like be around that so much and I don't like it Like. I always say like I'm the person yes, I have like. So Joellen has small children. I asked her about her children but I always and maybe this is bad of me and I'm not a good, good enough friend for this I'm Joellen's friend. I hope that I'm her escape from her kids and that life so that she could just be Joellen when she's with me.
Speaker 2:She doesn't have to be mommy, she doesn't have to be Nora's mom. When she talks to me you have plenty of friends that have kids and all her sisters have kids. But when it's me, it's like about joellen, right, and so like that's what I want to be and like, yeah, maybe that's selfish because that's my interest, but I just don't really give a shit about like talking about kids stuff. Yeah, like I mean, here's the thing, it's different maybe. Because like yeah, I'm like, oh, nora, this and this, I care about nora, and so I can't. But man, when I get in groups where I don't know your kids and like it's like all we're talking, about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just when it's the only thing, when it's excessive Like.
Speaker 2:I just want to hear a little bit about your kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I just want to know, like, because I think in those instances it's like like, yeah, you, maybe you made this play date or you go to these group things, and the reason that everyone is there is because you have this thing in common you're, all you know, moms, or maybe even have similar age kids and stuff, and so it's like, oh, let's get together and then our kids can play, and then we can hang out, and I think the intention is now, my kids will have a distraction, they'll be entertained by these other kids, and then I can then not be a mom during that time.
Speaker 1:I can like you know what I mean Like during conversation and stuff, I can just meet friends and I don't need to, like, get a babysitter, yeah, but what ends up happening is is you just talk about the kids and everyone's kids are there, so then it just keeps going back to that and, like you said, I just it sucks when that becomes your whole personality and that's just never been me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like a lot of people don't even know, I have Rihanna at home.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:They have no idea that I have an 11 year old at home with us every single day because it's just like, yeah, she's there, we take good care of her. We're doing this traveling tournament thing right now, but it's just not my whole entire identity. And here's the thing if that's what you want for your life and I could see why it happens too when you got especially more than one kid and you got like these four kids, like that is what you're trying to figure out, you're trying to find help from other moms on like tips and tricks and I get it that's just not the kind of environment that I want to be in really Well and I do think I mean, I do think there are a lot of women who just like all they ever really wanted was to be a mom, yeah, and so it's like that is.
Speaker 1:that is very much, which you could say.
Speaker 1:the same for me, like okay is working your whole identity, because I feel like I do talk about work a lot and I involve myself in work a lot and it's because I really like it and so yeah, I do think so I guess it's with anything this could be with anything, yeah, but it's also just like I think once you have kids, all this stuff like is kind of forced on you and then you, you just start this like slow kind of like loss of your former self, and it's like you don't really notice it at first because you're so excited you have this baby and all this stuff and so what?
Speaker 1:And like you don't realize all up front that like you kind of start talking less and less and less to those same friends who, again, maybe they don't have kids and that's why you stop doing hobbies that you really loved doing, because now you don't have the time. Yeah, you like maybe you stop like getting ready. You're not really putting a lot of effort maybe into like your hair and makeup anymore, or because you always have like kids, yeah tugging at your, and you can't even take a shower without them like screaming and so I get it.
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, totally I get it and we've both been there, but I think that there's ways that you can still, yeah, I'm gonna say something kind of insensitive and I'm not meaning this towards anyone that is meaning this towards anyone that is. So the trigger warning is I don't mean this to anyone to hurt anyone's feelings that is struggling with it, like having a baby or like miscarriages. But you are not special because you got pregnant and you're not special because you had a kid. Tons of people do that, you are not one. Your kid isn't this one little precious gem that all of us have to like carry around and care for.
Speaker 2:For them it's just like, it's just a regular thing that happens, you know. And so that's why I'm saying, like, for people that are struggling with that. I don't mean it any way to them. It's targeted to people like it's just you're not, you and your kid aren't special. There are tons of us out there, we're just regular. So I don't need to constantly just be like in this, like tornado of you and your kid. It's fucking annoying.
Speaker 2:God, I know, I know and here's the thing I have nieces and stuff and I love them and I love spending time with them and I think they're hilarious and stuff like that. I think they're so fucking funny, especially at the age that they're all at, and I care for them deeply and I want to know and I'm interested in them, but I I can't, I cannot just have it where it's just like you're just always just a mommy and well, and I do think that's part of like uh, I do like that's part of like the pressure, yeah, where, like you feel like you have to be mom yeah, all the time otherwise, like you're not being a good mom, right, and then it's just like.
Speaker 1:Or if you feel like, if you say anything negative about being a mom, like you're like oh, I'm so tired, I'm. So it's like, it's like this pressure of like you're ungrateful, like you should be grateful that you even have, you could have a kid right and it's like okay, I get it, but like right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it doesn't mean that like.
Speaker 1:I'm not struggling right, or that I don't miss, like my old self, or because you really do, like there is such an identity shift between you know in in that timeframe and, and you know I'm sure people would say like, well, no, there isn't, I'm still the same person. I don't agree with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, you are responsible, especially in that, like a zombie I call it the zombie like era in the very beginning, you're just like taking care of someone all hours, you know, just trying to keep them alive, 're not really interacting, you know, because you're not talking to the kid. It's so little right. So you're just like feeding, changing sleep and you're just like trying to get through this, also trying to like go with the pressures of breastfeeding. If you are struggling with that and stuff, and in the beginning is like so fucking exhausting on top of our hormones are going crazy On top of it, we just you know all these things happening to our body and our brains and all this stuff and we have to keep this little thing alive.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you got to keep that Tamagotchi alive.
Speaker 2:And hopefully you have a supportive husband that is like helping. Hopefully you have like a bit of a village around you, but maybe not. And then you're going through this and around you, but maybe not. And then you're going through this and then you feel the pressure of like, okay, I'm taking care of you, and then now it's just me and you all the time, and so that I get why you lose yourself. In that I totally get it, but like you have, to do some stuff for yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because also I think on social media and people post all this shit and they go so over the top with like birthday parties, the birthday parties, but even like the trips up and like oh, I'm just like, oh, my kids lunch, I'm packing this lunch I'm cutting every god the bento boxes, sandwiches into dinosaur shapes and all this shit. And then you feel like, if I'm not doing all that shit again, like, am I like kind of a shitty mom or what? Yeah, you feel guilty. Who has time to do all that?
Speaker 2:no, rihanna. Do you want a sandwich and some chips and a capri sun? Or do you want hot lunch? Tell me what you want. Yeah, I'll buy you whatever you want, but it's got to be packaged and like ready to go. I'm not making you and cutting all these star things out and you know putting your chopsticks in here and doing all these things. Like miss ma'am, you got to pick what you want or you can have leftovers from last night. Whatever you want. Those are your three options that's what's on the menu.
Speaker 1:I can't do that like I don't know, I know, and it's hard because you, uh, it kind of goes along with like the ungrateful thing. It's like a like, especially and I know, I know I realize there are people who like didn't plan their pregnancy, but me, drew always says.
Speaker 2:I can't believe people actually plan to have kids because it's such a big responsibility to change your life, change your whole life for 18 years. It's literally the biggest contract, the forever contract that you go into, not even marriage, it is the forever contract to go into and you're deciding to do this for for 18 years and then beyond. And because now we're like your kids are never moving out. Our kids are never fucking moving out. We've made it too easy at home for them just to always come back home and be with us too long, and even when they do move out, I feel like they're gonna be at our house.
Speaker 1:All the fucking time, yeah, well, so I mean, for those of us who did plan it, I I mean, I don't know, you kind of feel this like okay, well, I was the one who wanted, like, I chose this life.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know I wanted this and so how dare I like complain or say anything about it? Because it's like you wanted to have a baby. What did you think this was going to be? Yeah, and it's just like that's so unfair, because it's like I think that it's unfair to say that you can't be grateful and be happy to be a mom and everything, but also still be sad, like I think it's a it's a. What do they say?
Speaker 2:Like um, like two realities existing at the same time I forget what, the two truths or something, yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that can totally happen. You can be sad, you can even be depressed or something. Yeah, I think that can totally happen. You can be sad, you can even be depressed. You can be like thinking about kind of like mourning the loss of like maybe your career goals yeah it could be like I said hobbies, friends, anything, any life goals you had that maybe now are put on hold. It could be sad even, and that doesn't mean that you're not grateful and like happy to be, yeah, like.
Speaker 2:I had a friend say like oh my god, you guys are so lucky that you guys get to go and just like travel and do whatever you want now.
Speaker 2:Their kids are a lot older, and then I always said, like, I mean, you did that too, just like different times. I think for us, though, we kind of got the best of both worlds. I, you, I don't recommend having kids at 16, but I know there are people that want to be younger parents and see themselves later on and 45, and their kids are completely out of the house and stuff like that, which I do kind of agree with, that kind of system. Being an older parent to me I'm I mean, I'm 40 and I would be literally exhausted if I had a two-year-old right now. I would want, and I could see why they're so tired.
Speaker 2:I could see also how you could lose yourself, especially, you know, if you're a stay-at-home mom at 40, like, what else are you supposed to do at this point? You can't travel anymore. You do anything. All your friends are traveling, maybe, I mean, maybe, maybe not, but yeah, like you kind of look back and go. I can't travel anymore because I have, like you know, all these hella young kids. It's a lot harder. We don't get to be spontaneous anymore. We can't just go on these trips anymore. We can't just be like like, at least for us, like rihanna's 11, we just take her with us. We're not really going anywhere where we can't just take her and, lucky for us, all the people that like we hang out with or our family they're the same age as her, so if we go on vacations together, whatever, it's easy for us. Yeah, but like if I went on a vacation with joel and his family, it would like you know her and the kids and stuff. It would be a very different vacation for me because she has little kids right right like her, and I don't vacation the same unless we're by ourselves right
Speaker 2:so like with her and I, we would have to do a lot of things, would center around the kids, and I think that's fine. Joanne's traveled so much, you know, and so she's super. She always wanted to be a mom, so she's super grateful. But it is a mind shift, I think, in thinking like for her, like everything is centered around vacations, is like, okay, what are we going to do with the kids? Okay, we have to get up in the morning and do this.
Speaker 2:I notice that even with rihanna, when to me, isya's there because Tamiya kind of like takes like they usually sleep together and they she's usually like taking care of Rihanna and stuff I have more time just to be me, because and she's 11 instead of okay, I have to get up in the morning, I have to make sure Rihanna has her outfit, I have to make sure I do her hair, I have to make sure that she's going to eat, I have to do all these things. But when Tamia is there, tamia kind of takes care of everything. I don't have to really think about it and that even is just a tiny shift and she's 11, right.
Speaker 1:I'm going to say, you know, with Bentley, I mean, he just turned 13 and so obviously, yeah, he takes care of himself, like, um, you know, I don't have to do anything and he's a boy, so like I don't need to, like, do his hair or nothing like that, like he could do it all. But, um, even still, yeah, I mean because because of this it's different, you know, because of the situation that I'm in, where, like, I'm not, uh, co-parenting with someone who lives in the same state right right, and I have Bentley now during the school year 100% of the time.
Speaker 1:I have no family here.
Speaker 2:I have nobody we're just like a lot like a little island by yourself. Yeah, I mean, I really think that that's so tough like I can't believe that you do that like it is.
Speaker 1:I think that's why you're so crazy, well yeah, well, and then I go and that's the thing too. It's like obviously I wouldn't want it the other way, where he was at his dad's the whole school year, clearly like no, no no, but I still, and so you know I but I still like, so he he's gone now for the summer.
Speaker 1:So he went to Oklahoma with his dad for the whole summer and man, I just love that kid to death.
Speaker 1:But I could not wait for the day I I was like I need a fucking break. And because I haven't done this, like I have never had to fully 100% single mom it before Like it was always co-parenting where I would have him at my house 50% of the week and then he'd go to his dad, so I would have half the week to like do my own shit. And so, yeah, I can't be spontaneous. I can't really like go on trips without coordinating like if he's gonna stay with someone or if my family's gonna fly out here from Utah to like watch him. It's just, it's like a lot, but I feel like I I don't know. I feel like there's things that I try to like plan for myself and try to find these like little things that I can do to not go crazy, cause you have to, you just have to. And there's there's times you're like I've told you he'll. He'll say things to me that make me feel guilty.
Speaker 1:And that's not, I don't, you know that's not his intention, but he says things to me and then I'm sure you know other people, their kids, say stuff or like they don't want you to go to work and they don't, and they want you to be home all the time, and then you're like, oh man, like I should just be home with my kids and but your whole life just can't revolve around them. And I think you have to remember this is the thing too. You have to remember is like they're going to grow up one day and be an adult and hopefully a parent also, if that's what they want, and you don't want them to grow up and then have this same cycle. It's like you want them to see that you are like, having this, you you're still holding on to your whole identity and making sure you still have your all of your individual things for yourself and making sure that your cup is full, so that they will you know, hopefully also do the same when they grow up.
Speaker 2:And yeah, I think it's hard to like. I mean, you're putting all your eggs in, like this kid basket where they're going to fulfill you without having any other things. Because it's it's hard to do that because there's going to be seasons where, like, you're struggling with your kids and then if they're not filling up your cup for you, it's hard. But if you can find little like I don't know like sanctuaries in other places to help you out, it's nice and maybe that is why, like you know, I never think about it. On the other side, like they have these mom groups where they can all kind of like just vent and talk shit and just be like open. Yeah, but I mean, maybe because I'm not a part of that I don't see a lot that are hella complaining about their kids you know, and like being like I don't hear a lot of real talk when it comes to the kids.
Speaker 2:You know, I think people don't want to say like what they feel are their struggles, you know, but I think that there needs to be that like more openness about like yeah, my kid was a fucking shithead today and I want to like fucking yeah, you know scream into a pillow yeah, and and it's okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's okay, that's fine, it's okay. You had a tough day, but have a fucking glass of wine at the end of the day, or whatever. You know or don't. Whatever you want to go for a run, you know, and clear your mind. Whatever it is that you need to, you need to have these little things so that you can keep sane, because these little children that you're trying to teach to be humans are tough.
Speaker 1:It's a tough job and you can't just make it your whole life job Well and I think like it puts a lot of pressure on the kids. If it's your like, maybe they don't feel it, but like it puts a lot of pressure on the kids.
Speaker 1:If it's your like, maybe they don't feel it, but you're putting a lot of pressure on them to, like you said, fulfill you because you're like I'm, like I think we feel sometimes like, at least if your kids are old enough to talk and talk back, you kind of feel like, damn, I'm doing all this shit for you, like I gave up my whole fucking life for you and you're being a dick.
Speaker 2:I think one of the mistakes as young parents make women and I mean I'm just judging whenever, I'm generalizing is a lot of these moms. They become best friends with their kids at a very young age.
Speaker 2:It's probably a lot more single moms you know, just because they're trying to get through life and they're just like their kid's, always there to be like their friend and like I think lines get crossed and stuff. And I never did that. Like I was like, yeah, I mean, we're going to talk and we're going to be close, but like you don't get to talk to me however you want, yeah, I don't get to tell you like inappropriate things when you're younger. Yeah, now I'm kind of inappropriate, but my kid's 23. She could deal with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, the other day I was telling to me something. I was like oh, you know, your dad and I were having this issue or whatever. She was like, I don't want to hear about it and.
Speaker 2:I wasn't, I was. It was like he got mad at me for asking if he was working out. It was like nothing. And then he apologized because he was like sorry, I snapped at you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've never actually tell you like the like what yeah yeah, some issues or whatever, and so I think that's too like. She's like don't tell me these things as an adult, but had I always shared that, she might have felt like she needed to listen because I was, she's my only like friend or whatever, and I think that sometimes when you do that to your I think it happens mostly with girls right where the moms and then become best friends and it becomes a little bit like crossing the lines.
Speaker 1:I don't know. Yeah, it's fresh around the kid and then they feel like they have to grow up faster too, because they're knowing like a little bit more adult things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think that that kind of sucks too, when you don't have any friends to like talk to about your things and then all you're doing is like talking to your little kid about it yeah, and I.
Speaker 1:You know I like to read a lot of parenting books and like one of them in particular is specifically about being a mom to a boy and specifically like being a single mom with boys, and they say, like a huge mistake that a lot of women make is like, just like you're talking about with kind of being best friends with your, just like you're talking about with kind of being best friends with your. It's like you almost put this pressure on your son to like fulfill some needs that you don't have in a partner like so if they like, for example, like they don't like, there's some like you want them to be your like emotional support person, and that's not appropriate.
Speaker 1:like they're not there for you to vent to. They don't you know. They're not there for you to like, um, be your like words of affirmation, like love language, what like that's just. That's not what it's about and like you can. You can put more stress on them and pressure on them to feel like because they already feel like they need to, kind of like, take care of you, cause like they're a boy and you're their mom.
Speaker 2:They're like the man of the house. Yeah, that whole thing.
Speaker 1:So that's already probably in their head, no matter what you do, and so you just put this extra stress on them when you kind of like put them in those situations.
Speaker 2:But you know it's hard to be a parent, and then it's definitely I think this is why we struggle and then it's hard to be a human, and then mixing those and then trying to find an identity and like keep your own line and your boundaries and like yourself happy, like it's tough situation to be in you know, all around on top of the fact that we're women and our hormones are crazy like I always think about that all the time, like I think a lot of it goes back to our hormones and how we feel about things, and so I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I mean I think that people's like identity just gets lost in our kids so much, oh my God, Too much.
Speaker 1:Well, and I wonder, okay.
Speaker 2:And then like, do our friends? Okay? Here's one thing, okay, should our friends be like I mean, we can talk about other things than the kids or should you not, because they need to vent to you and be like, oh, like they, you need to like be a good friend, to listen, like what is it? You know?
Speaker 1:yeah, I think like, like should you say it or should?
Speaker 2:you not? Should you go? Okay, we don't talk about your kid all the time, or you talk too much about your kid, yeah. I feel, like okay, just let him tell me like they're just home by themselves all day. Let them get off their chest. Like when does it become too?
Speaker 1:much okay. So I think, depending on how good of a friend they like we are, yeah, how close if, if it's someone who I am kind of close with, I think that I would say like hey, you know, like I love hanging out with you and like you always can like vent to me about whatever, yeah, but like I am a little bit concerned that you're kind of losing yourself here in, like momhood and do you feel like that?
Speaker 1:Because that's the thing too. Maybe they don't, Maybe they love it, Maybe they're just like. This is who.
Speaker 2:Let me talk about all my play dates.
Speaker 1:And let me talk about all these things, fine that's fair.
Speaker 2:That's fair, I'm not.
Speaker 1:You know, like I said, some people they literally I mean my best friend growing up all she wanted to be was a mom. That's like, oh, she was just like. I don't want to work, I don't want to do like, I literally just want to be a mom and that's it, and that's like her just have little, and now she has like fucking five kids.
Speaker 2:So yeah, perfect. I love that she like fulfilled her dream.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, and she's just like that, so she's so happy, and so all she could ever wish for is to like be able to talk about her kids yeah, and she loved it, that's perfect, um.
Speaker 1:So I think you just have to like find friends who also are like that. But yeah, if you're not, and then you have a friend like that, that's how I would go about it. I think I would say like, hey, I'm just like I'm a little bit like, a little bit concerned, like our, and but then asking them like I mean, do you feel like that or right? Because they might.
Speaker 1:They might be like oh my god, you're right, like I or like I'm struggling finding to, like trying to find topics about anything except for my kid, or and then you can be, then you can help, like you can be like, okay, perfect, well, like let's plan something, like let's do some stuff that doesn't involve the kids, and then you can kind of like help them from there by by just kind of asking yeah, but if they're like, oh, I mean it again, it depends on how close of a friend and it depends on, uh, what you know about their emotional intelligence level is this right who's?
Speaker 1:gonna go well. You don't want to hear about my kids, you don't love my kids.
Speaker 2:You know, especially if it's like a family member and you're like you don't love my kids, I'm like no, I fucking love your kids so much like I fucking adore them, but like I love you too, and I don't want to talk to you I want to know about you like I love you, I you, I loved you first.
Speaker 2:Okay, so that is the approach that I think Drew and I always took is like him and I first Right and then the kids secondary. I completely agree with that, and so I think that that's the way we didn't lose ourselves in kind of our kids and stuff. It was always just like, no, we're going to have a life, we're going gonna take good care of our kids, but it's not always just gonna be about them, and I think people disagree with this, but we left our kids for vacation all the time and it made it better. Also, one of the lucky things that we had was, uh, ever since Mia was like two, um, drew's mom took the kids for two months out of the year and to montana and drew and
Speaker 2:I. There was a point where drew and I I wouldn't say we weren't connecting. But I would say, like it isn't how it is now, like we look back on it and I tell them like I don't know what, that one summer you were just like so much attention was on me that I it like clicked and it turned for me in our relationship and that was it. Like it felt again how it felt when we were 15 and like we just were so in love and the focus was me and him, instead of because we were struggling, because we were really young parents and so I. It was this weird switch and Drew was like I don't remember that at all.
Speaker 2:And I was like yeah, there are so many times in our relationship where he was like I don't remember or I'm like I don't remember, but he really was like I mean, it was probably because we didn't have kids and like we were able just to focus on each other, right, and even though we were struggling with money, like we had two less, like two other mouths that we weren't feeding anymore for two months, and it was just you and me and I was like, yeah, that makes whole sense. So I mean I think that that was huge, that we only had the kids 10 months out of the year and we had these two months where we didn't have to worry about it was crazy, unheard of, and I think that that it was really unique to us and that really helped our marriage so much and like us connecting so much in that time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's kind of crazy. I know it is not.
Speaker 1:I mean it's really nice when you have like a really good support system, and I know like everyone doesn't have that and it's tough, like I mean, so Bentley would go to New Hampshire, so go to new hampshire, so that's where his dad's, that's where his dad grew up, and then, like so, his whole family lives on the east coast and so they would they his uh, grandparents on his dad's side like they would take bentley for like a month every summer, and that was so nice and I mean we weren't together anymore at this point, but still, it was still, it gave you like a little little break, a little reset, and then, and even though you, hella, miss the kids, like we would miss the kids so much.
Speaker 2:We don't, and I'd be like I don't know what to do without you. I just don't miss you so much, you know, when we talk to her and stuff, and but it really allows you just just to be kind of like wow, what would I do in my free time here? What you know, what can, kind of little hobby can I take up, or we can be spontaneous, or you know, it's just so crazy how much kids just come into your life and your whole life fucking revolves around them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just kidding no, I was kidding no, I mean, I love my kids and I wouldn't change anything.
Speaker 2:And you know, sometimes I think about being a parent now, like you know, if I had to have kids now, and how I would do things differently or whatever, and maybe I would be the mom that would like everything would revolve around the kid. I mean, probably not.
Speaker 1:Yeah because I don't do that now with Rihanna yeah, I think you just have to, uh, I think you just have to uh say, like, like that you need time for yourself whether you're telling your partner that, or you're reaching out to your parents or their parents or like someone to just be like, even if it's just for like a day where you're like I, I just need a day where I can just like go away and not be doing all this stuff and I can just whatever. Whatever you want to do, go to the spa, go to just sit at the park and read a book, like, yeah, whatever for free to go to one of those, uh, christian coffee shops and just read your book.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I mean I do feel like one of the things about you know the religious aspect of life and stuff is they have like kind of a sense of community a little bit with the kids where, like when you are by yourself, like they really kind of rally and they're really helpful, I think. Um. So if you're into religious groups, I think, like reaching out to your community if you're struggling, if you're you know, all that kind of stuff I think is really important, yeah, yeah um also you can like come up.
Speaker 1:So when I feel like, too, if you just come up with like little tiny things that throughout the week you could do and it doesn't have to be these huge things, but it gives you these tiny little breaks and stuff. Like I remember when bentley um was a baby, like I would and well, and when he was a toddler too, like I started getting up a lot earlier than I was, just so I had like an hour I was like, I just need like one hour just have my coffee, in peace and just, and that's all it took.
Speaker 1:And then I was like set for the day. Yeah, all right, good. So then when he wakes up, I'm not like otherwise he's screaming, waking you up or whatever. And then you're like pissed off, and then you're just trying to get out of bed. You're groggy and it's like that's not how you want to start your day.
Speaker 2:It's not fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean if it makes, if it means that you need to get up at fucking four o'clock in the morning so that you have 30 minutes before your kid wakes up, or whatever the sleep schedule looks like.
Speaker 2:It is so worth it yeah, or if you're a night owl and you just have to stay up a little bit later, an hour later too, after you put the kids to bed, decompress, yeah. I mean, some of the things that I think is amazing is when people really have like their like sleep cut off, is like their kids go to bed at eight o'clock you know, and then it's like okay, you know you could probably stay up till 10, right, you know you can stay up till 10.
Speaker 2:I don't know who's going to bed at 8 if you're not getting up at 4 am, you know. So then you have a couple hours with your partner or to yourself, yep, to decompress, for you know a little bit. And yeah, it sucks, because I find that when people have those two hours, it's like I gotta do laundry for everyone, I gotta do lunches for everyone. I have to do all these things and that shit is overwhelming. It's so, but I can't do my. I mean, this is like something that we want to talk about, but I can't do my own laundry and I don't have fucking small kids and figure all that shit out. So I don't know how, like when you're taking care of these humans all day, you find time to do laundry and stuff.
Speaker 1:Man, it seems exhausting you know one thing I used to do, yeah, when we used to do that, um so me and my ex-husband, so husband number two so he had two kids, you know from his. So they would come stay with us for the summer, and so we'd have the three kids over the summer, which was really fun. But man, I was stressed out and that was one of my rules because he would because they were little too when you.
Speaker 1:They were little, pretty small, and he would want them to just stay up all fucking night with because, you know, because he didn't get to see them all during the school year and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:And so it was like, and so I had to set a boundary, like a rule, and I said, look like I can't just have my whole day, because also, this was when I was working. I was like shooting more, so I was doing shoots and stuff and I'm stressed out doing work, stuff, and then I come home and now there's three kids. I'm used to only having one kid 50% of the time, and now we have three kids 100% of the time. It was a lot for me, yeah, and um, I can't just have all this chaos going on until the time I go to sleep, and so I I was like they need to have an earlier bedtime and there's a cutoff where it's just peace and quiet for us and that's like our own time to spend, because then it was like oh, I'm not going to spend two months in the summer where you and I have no alone time at all.
Speaker 1:That's not fair, and so that was one of the things that, and it made such a difference. Just all. That's not fair, and so that was one of the things that, and it made such a difference. Just to be like, okay, they need to go to bed an hour earlier, just so that we have like our own time that helped a lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, the other thing that I did was they would come. You know they go outside in the summer, they go outside, they're playing and these motherfuckers would come in, just oh I gotta go to the bathroom, I gotta water, oh, I can't get a popsicle.
Speaker 1:And just like they never coordinate coming in together, so this is like three of them in and out, in and out, and then. So I used to just be like everybody come in, get your water, everybody go to the bathroom, and then get no one come back in for another hour. I'm literally locked in the front door.
Speaker 2:I'll fucking lock them out too much, yep that's like when kids they come down and they just like I gotta get some water.
Speaker 2:I'm thirsty I just like I'm just and I'm like no, my kids never did that. Go upstairs and go to sleep or close your eyes until it happens. I don't want to hear don't come downstairs. Like I'm such a strict, like it's always so strict with that stuff. But I mean I get it like I think that a bunch of people are gonna say, I mean, I don't know about a bunch, but if this went, went, if this, somehow this episode went viral. I know that there is going to be some ladies saying you decided to have those kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you? How could you talk about your kids like this and how could you not do everything for them every second of the day and not wanting to be with them every second of the day? That's what you signed up for, all these things, first of all, I irresponsibly signed up for it. So that's one thing.
Speaker 1:And yeah, go fuck yourself also I feel like that's totally fine, like if that's what you want, yeah you choose the life that you want to have, and so the life I want to have is I want to be a mom, but I also still want to be myself. I still want to be Brianna. I don't want to just be mom all the time, yeah.
Speaker 2:What? Yeah, it's just crazy to me, like I don't know. Let's talk about some other things I don't want to talk about, like your kid all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:so I don't know, I think, if you just I think checking in with your friends is good, um, and I think that that's the thing just because you don't want to be mom all the time doesn't mean that you don't love your kid exactly yeah you still love your kid so much and you'll die for your kid, but you know, but right now I need you to shut the fuck up please. I just need one minute of peace, please.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So there's a lot. I think there's a lot of like little things you could do schedule some stuff into your, your daily routine or your week to just kind of like keep your sanity and then keep reminding yourself that, like I'm doing enough, I don't need to be like super mom, fucking mom of the year, just to like prove that I love my kids or whatever, and just like making sure that you're still doing things for yourself and if you have a partner, like you know, you need to rely on your partner and like to give, to ask them for space or if you can.
Speaker 2:You know, I think that a lot of women feel like, because we're moms, that's just like so in our nature, that we shouldn't be asking our husbands or our partners for these things. But you really should. If you do have like a partner, don't feel bad asking well, okay.
Speaker 1:So just a quick thought is like even okay. So let's consider, let's say, the situation is that you're you're married, your husband works and you're a stay-at-home mom. So, yes, like maybe you're the one that's taking the bulk of like the parenting because you're staying at home, and so maybe you're feeling all these things that we're talking about and maybe you think like well, I'm the one who's like losing my identity and like you get to go to work and you get, and I think it like breeds this resentment in your relationship, when you also have to remember that they also are losing something, because when you're losing your identity, they're losing the partner that they chose to be with mmm so, yeah, maybe they don't have the screaming very insightful of you.
Speaker 2:It just popped into my head. Yeah, very insightful. They're losing their partner. They're losing their sex partner.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, maybe it's like, yeah, maybe they still have their individual identity because they get to go to work and they get to do these things or whatever, but, like now they're with this person who only wants to talk about kids, doesn't do any of the fun stuff that they used to do, does and and and that person you are maybe like resentful towards them, so maybe you're kind of being a little bit mean to them, and so you just have to consider that too, that like they also could be struggling in just a different way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you have to find a way to connect.
Speaker 2:I think this I could see that I mean, I think Drew and I's sex life probably wasn't as great when we, when the kids were younger and it was stressful and all that stuff, and I think and I've said this before, but really young we were listening to that sex podcast. We'd sit outside and drink and smoke cigarettes and like we would connect on, like this has nothing to do with the kids, you know, and it would give us that little time and even if it's just like once a week that you're doing that, but like it kind of you get a little tipsy and then you kind of just start saying things and then Drew and I would talk about like like oh, does he need to step it up this way, like to help me with the kids, or like I, you know, I would ask him those kind of things and we'd kind of do these little check-ins with each other, and so I think that that's really important. Even just with your partner, like you're losing your identity, but is your partner noticing it?
Speaker 1:you know, like they might not even notice too. That's, you don't know, like maybe they do, maybe they don't. But if you're checking in and saying like okay, how can we help each other here? How can we both like make this happen?
Speaker 2:And we talk about it on a sense of like. Maybe it's just like the women, but I mean there are boss babes that are going out and they're working and the husband is staying at home too. And to be able to talk to your husband, like about it, like hey, like you talking about the kids, like how can we get you out of that? And that's really what a partner should do, you know is trying to like, coax that out of you, to like let me, let's, let's do something different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because you always like as a partner, it's like you really want to be adding to that person's life and make helping that person be the best version of themselves you know, and vice versa. But like so yeah, I mean like so if you, if you notice that your partner is just at home all the time with the kids and stuff and and you think like maybe it's something you should reach out and talk to them about yeah bring it up yeah, maybe they live in a modern world.
Speaker 1:It might be the husband's at home or maybe your boss baby and your wife is at home yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever it is, yeah, yeah, whoever yeah, I think it's just about like trying to be there for your partner, be there for yourself, be there for your friends and, like they said, it takes a village. It really does, and you know, don't lose yourself in it yeah, well, uh, let us know, I do feel like there's some stuff we talked about today. I always think that their stuff is a little controversial sometimes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like the stuff that we say, I don't know if people agree, but that's okay.
Speaker 1:It's not about like I don't think that everyone needs to agree with us. I just think like this is what I think, and so I'm interested also to hear what other people think.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that that's what makes the world go around all these different ideas and all these different views on things. And that's okay. I mean, you could say whatever you want to us. You can call us ugly, or whatever, do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah it's fine, or we're bad moms or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're bad moms. Yeah, we're bad bitches, you know.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, you can say whatever mean things, we don't care no, I mean I might, I might cry about it, but then I'll get over it. Oh, no I won't cry, you won't give any fucks about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it doesn't bother me, I know.
Speaker 1:I love it actually I like to say that things don't bother me. But then I Sometimes they do. It just depends what it is.
Speaker 2:And you know what it friends and family more than it bothers me. I remember posting something and this guy commented on my thing. He's like oh, you look like a little piggy. Oh yeah, look at your face, what the fuck. And tamia and drew and pablo were just like some keyboard warriors on this guy.
Speaker 2:It was like it was. You know what photo it was. It was when we were at the old studio and I had my new backpack and it was the purple backdrop with the flowers. Oh, look at this little piggy frolicking, or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was coming on there and they were fucking pissed yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I'm just like I can't even believe that.
Speaker 2:I'm just like no, don't say anything, it's not a big deal, oh my God. And then, like for me, I, honestly, I don't give a shit damn that's fucked up, yeah yeah, I don't like that stuff and I probably would have cried, but yeah but you can say mean things to me, just put it all in the comments in the post that we're gonna put clips and just tag me like oh, you're disgusting, you're a horrible mom. Cps should get called on you. Oh, no, no, you know all these things.
Speaker 1:Whatever?
Speaker 2:I don't care.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, let us know if you have any tips for keeping hold of your identity. Yeah, all your mom in it at home and we'd love to hear from you on our Instagram at maximalistlifepodcast. We'll see you guys next time. Hope you're having fun, Dicks up.
Speaker 2:Dicks out.