Surviving a Brain Bleed: Reprioritizing Life

This is all about the blessings I have learned by my life being derailed by a brain bleed. Even in the hardest time I choose to count my blessings. I faced my fears and can proudly say I am going to be better from it. I will keep pushing forward as my health improves each day. 

I can't wish this on anyone, but you can learn lessons from my experience. I think that would be a lot easier. Slow down and let yourself enjoy life. It is ok to choose to reduce work loads and the pressure. Look at your life and see what can be reduced or eliminated. 

You only have one life to live, make smart choices.

Thank you for listening. Share this episode with a friend that you think would enjoy it.

I would love it if you took the time to leave a rating or review for the show.

Want me to go more in-depth about anything? Let me know.

Send an email with questions to skahrhoff@live.com.

Transcript

0:03

Hi, this is Shannon Kahrhoff. It's been a while since I've recorded the podcast. It's a little bit crazy around here. Today I wanna talk about how I just live through my worst fear. Many of my fears have been hit in the last two months or so. I. If you are a steady listener to the podcast, you've understood that there's a lot of things I was going through and dealing with, and I want you to really understand. When I make a podcast, it's really I'm talking to myself. I am reminding myself of a lesson that I need to learn, I need to implement into my life, and I need to take it serious. Well. I didn't listen close enough. I was on a high speed train and I didn't know how to get off of it. Pretty much, I was growing and changing and loving everything I was accomplishing on this path, but I was drowning pretty much. I was working way too many hours. I was taking responsibility for other things that I should not be doing. I was stressing myself out. I was to the point where I forgot how to relax. I could not shut off my brain. I could not let myself breathe. If that makes sense for people that are the people pleasers, the people that are constant go, go, go. Never seeing an end in sight and putting yourself last. Well, on October 8th, I think I went to the ER. I had to be helicoptered over to St. Louis because I had a brain bleed. I literally popped a blood vessel in my brain and had a brain bleed. Now, it's not really a joking matter, but one of my survival instincts is to joke about a very serious, scary situation because it took me weeks afterwards to really let myself absorb the idea that. I literally could have died from this because blood was seeping into my skull. And I don't know how many people have learned anatomy. I can't say I'm a doctor, but I've learned basic things through sounds bad, but cosmetology and massage therapy, you learn different things and you have fluid in your brain and it doesn't give you extra space for pressure for the release of blood. So something has to give. And my brain is the one that gave. So this my brain bleed was lucky. It actually stopped bleeding on its own, so I didn't have to have any medical intervention with that, but. I was still at a risky situation and my mom and my daughter were the ones who had to deal with it because I was in my own little world of not, your brain shuts down whenever you kind of do that stuff. I really have minimal memories from many of those days. So this is some of the things I wanna talk about. I went through my podcasts and I realized some of the lessons I was trying to teach myself that I didn't really take myself serious with was because, um, I literally had no idea how to stop. I was in all essence. Succeeding in my career as a hairstylist, I was making damn good money. I was booked out constantly. Trying to figure out how to put more people in without killing myself, almost didn't succeed. So that was, that's a really rough one to take. And realizing that it is okay to not make everyone happy. It is okay that I can't get them in. That I have to raise my prices because I have to let go of some people who might not, might not be able to afford me because I cannot get everyone in. I have a direction that I want my life to go in to career-wise and personally for that matter. I have killed myself building this career 29 years of standing on my feet. It's, this is a very, very hard career on our body. We're standing, a lot of times we're standing in one spot as we're foiling or blow drying or coloring or doing extensions. Literally, you're standing in one spot that is harsher on your body than moving constantly because it's just stagnant energy. I have always put everything into everything I do. I want to do everything great. I want to make everyone happy. I get joy from making great hair. I love doing hair. This is my downfall because people that don't always love doing hair, they love the money from doing hair, it's easier to say no because. You only have so much time in a day. When I get my love of making beautiful hair from extensions to colors, to cuts, when I see that I have that satisfaction, I have that joy from knowing, damn, I'm good. Holy. Cow. That is the best haircut I think I've done in a long time. Oh, that was the best blowout ever. This is my joy because it's a job well done. This is how I get myself satisfaction because damn, I'm good. Yeah, and it's okay that I say that because I've worked very hard all these years to become better.'cause I fucking sucked when I first graduated cosmetology school and I worked hard at everything I could do because I have to understand it, I have to see it, I have to feel it and see how it flows to know that I'm doing it great. It is literally an art form for me and. Because I was loving doing more extensions, more toppers, more colors, and more people. I forgot myself. I forgot that I cut down to four days a week so that I could have more time for myself. So I'd actually have that day to sit and do my bookkeeping and a day that I could go do anything I needed to do or wanted to do, or I could have a day that I could just stay at home and sit on the couch with my dog. And it was lost on me. Sadly, I forgot I was the priority. How many of you out there forget that you are the priority in your own life? There was a movie that said you need to be the main character in your own life. And it's true. I forget that I'm supposed to be living my life for myself, not for making myself happy, for making other people happy. Duh, stupid. This is reality check. So through these eight weeks of me. Getting my life back in order from my entourage that I needed to get to the bathroom when I was in the hospital to resisting using that walker outside of the hospital, forcing myself to get up and get moving because I needed to keep those muscles moving. The reality that one thing derailed my life. That health issue totally destroyed the line that I was on. I have lost all of my muscles that I took 29 years building as a stylist. The scariest thing other than, you know, not being able to walk straight. My balance was off. I was very weak on my left side. Not nothing extreme. I, I could still move it. I was normal. I just have a slight weakness on the left side'cause the brain bleed was on the right side. So I'm still trying to figure out that kind of stuff, but. My eyes, the bleed was right by my optic nerve. My eyes are my life. You try doing anything without your eyes, it's a struggle. I was highly sensitive to any form of light, from sunlight to the lights in my home to the cell phone that people were texting me and calling me. And my daughter wouldn't let me have my phone while we were in the hospital, and probably a few days after we got back outta the hospital, she took responsibility to cancel all my clients and inform them that I had medical stuff and whatever, but my vision was off my peripheral vision. Was scary. It was trying to figure out how things are working. My brain was slow, but the good thing with a brain bleed, there's no fear. That was probably the only time in my life I didn't have fear screaming at me. About everything that was wrong, that could go worse and stuff like that. That was the biggest blessing ever.'cause that was the first time I realized life's pretty easy without the fear screaming at you. The self-doubt screaming at you, it is possible. Apparently just needed a brain bleed. I do not suggest it, but that was the reality. My mom and my daughter, and apparently a lot of people were very scared. Because it is a very, very scary situation, but I've learned a lot from this experience because in that time, it was probably a month that I was super sensitive to all light. One time my mom lit a candle and I had to ask her to blow it out because it was too bright for my eyes. It wa I was that sensitive to light and it was not right in front of me. But that was the reality. So I spent a lot of time listening to old TV shows. Golden Girls was my calm down movie or show, which is kind of funny because I grew up watching it, but I know it all. I can see their faces, I can see where they're standing. I know what room or location that they're doing in this each episode, and there were times I couldn't shut off my brain. So Golden Girls happened. On my iPad or Grace's computer in the hospital, we listened to Golden Girls. She, they have good life lessons in those, those shows. So it's kind of funny, but that was the only way to shut off my brain because I was realizing slowly all the things that were a deficit for me. Hmm. I. I had my glasses. I think at one point in the hospital they realized I have contacts in, so I had to peel the contacts off my eyes. But I had glasses, so you can't see the best with glasses and different than wearing contacts. But I realized, hmm. Vision's weird. I can't focus on anything and it's like, uh, I kept calling it double vision, but it wasn't double vision. They corrected me on that. It was just wonky, like my brain and my eyes could not work together. And my balance was horrible. I had to use a walker in the hospital. I was upset to my stomach a lot. I still had a horrendous headache, from the brain bleed, the pressure, and I mean, there was a laundry list of things I realized I was having issues with and. If I had to lift up my legs one more time to show muscle weakness and stuff like that, it was, it was kind of crazy. The reality check was they asked me if I knew where I was, and I knew it was in a hospital, but I didn't know where. And it's, it's the bizarre things that you recall in all these things. But anyway, I'm doing much better. My vision, honestly, is so good right now. I can actually read in a book, which is a blessing because if you've ever not been able to use your eyes, what the heck do you do with all that time? Because it hurt to have tv. I couldn't read. I listened to podcasts. I. The house was dark for weeks because everything hurt. If I had to take my dog outside, I had to put on sunglasses, and then I put a hat on top of my sunglasses to block out as much light as I could, but my balance is better. I still have to be careful. It's not a hundred percent, but it is so much better. But in my brain, my brain focus is so much better. I still go off on tangents and I can't remember basic things like I cannot remember my apple id, which is crucial when you have Apple products. So hopefully that reconnects in the brain, so I can remember that thing. Write down your passwords, people. It's legit. Through these last weeks, as I'm getting through the funk and the uselessness and the anger of realizing the shit that I just went through, I have many lessons that I have learned and many fears. I have been off work for eight and a half weeks. Because I'm self-employed. I make no money when I'm not working. I actually lose money when I'm not working because my rent needs to be paid. So luckily I had savings and luckily it all worked out because there was no other option of what else I could do. But I also have amazing owners of the salon that are working with me with a lot of that stuff. So my fear of not being able to work and financially struggling, I can't say I struggled because I had the savings there. I'm flat ass broke now, but it's okay. I'm going back to work tomorrow and I'm gonna have to slowly build up because my energy level, my endurance is very low. But. I can work. I just cut my, some of my cousin's hair on Saturday. Cousin, his wife and son. Proving to myself, huh, I didn't lose my skill. It's okay. The energy level that faltered. The stress is what caused all this stuff, because I couldn't say no because I wouldn't get myself off a speeding train. That was outta control and realizing now. Have you ever heard of you put your ladder on the wrong wall? Your ladder is your career that you're climbing the ladder. You're getting to the next level, the next level, the next level. Well, what happens whenever you climb this ladder that you didn't even realize you were climbing the ladder, realizing that's not the ladder you wanted. It's on the wrong wall. That's really not what I wanted. Well, crap. Now what do you do? I never wanted to own a salon. But I went to a class I, I did education this year. I love the education, but when I went to the class, it felt hollow. It was wrong. I even had the biggest compliment ever. The owner of the company I went over and said Hi, and she was around an amazing group of ladies that I've looked up to. I follow on on Instagram. It's fantastic. They're very talented. I walk up and she said, oh, look at this. All my favorite ladies are here. And it felt so wrong to me that she would think I'm one of her favorites. And I was like, oh, I bet you have a lot of great favorite, a lot of favorites. And you would have thought I punched her in the gut. I wasn't trying to insult her. I don't know how to take the compliment because when you don't believe in yourself. It's shocking. It is so freaking shocking when someone believes in you and sees your talents and your skills and different things. Now, mind you, I have reached out to her with some of the things that have gone on and talked to her, and I've met her many, many times. So I feel very blessed that she thinks I'm one of her favorites because that really does warm my heart, but it's also hard for me to take compliments. Now I wanna get to the point of I love her, I love the company. I'm, I know I'm meant to be around this company. The problem was the direction that class that week went was not the direction that I feel like I want to go in. And I acknowledge that in class that. I personally never wanna own a salon. That's not what I want. It's not where, what my goal is. And they were like, well, you just don't know it yet. And left there. And I'm like, no, I'm pretty sure I know what I don't want. I've been offered help opening a salon before. Nope, not for me. I don't see that as something I personally want to achieve. I love that other people wanna own salons. God bless'em. I have a place to work. But that is not something I thrive on and realizing that whole, okay, the class was two days. The two days, I would say the first hour or two of the first day was what I was interested in. Other than that, it all went. To the direction of owning a salon and the skills you need, the details you need, the mindset you need. And I sat there and I'm like, this is not what I want. So I realized that day that something was off, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was off. I didn't even realize when people were trying to convince me. That, oh, I, I just don't know what I want yet. Of course, you want what we want, and it's great because they want like-minded people to be around them, to succeed and thrive with what they're learning because it's amazing information. It's just not for me. So that's when I realized later on, after I processed what my emotions were telling me and what I needed to understand and to learn and to be okay with not wanting what they think. I should want. Does that make sense? How many people tell you what they want you to do and you think, but that's not really what I want to go for, but okay. So my ladder kind of went on the wall where I thought I wanted this direction and I still think it's that direction for what I took the class for. I just got off the train before their, their last. Trip. I only wanted it to go to a certain distance because I have a purpose for this information, for my life, my business, but it's not going to the end terminal that they wanna go to. And this is okay, but it took me a while to figure out why. So while I'm doing this, I'm working obscene amount of hours and days at work, but my work doesn't end when I'm not at work. I'm taking phone calls and texts and making appointments and adjusting appointments and answering questions to clients and providing information on products and services and. Everything. I am a one person show and in this timeframe I had a client that I felt guilty because she bought one of my services, and I'm the only person on the Illinois side that I know of that does this service. So I felt like I was trapped with doing the services for this client. Now this client was my worst fear. She's a narcissist. She comes in super sweet, nice making friends, learning all your weak spots, and telling you how wonderful you are and how sweet you are. Check mark, check mark. Check mark. Yep. Here she's a sucker. Okay. So she's decent for a while. Every time she comes in, she talks about how tight she is on finances, how she needs her money to go towards this, but not to this. So, honey, I don't know how long I can do this service. My mind is okay. I'll treat you as my client as long as you can pay me. No big deal. It's not my responsibility to make sure that you have this service if you can't afford it. Understand, I did hold my lines, but what happened every time she came in, she was emotionally manipulating me, trying to build me up, break down my boundaries, break down my walls so that she could wiggle her way in and she thought. Work me down until I gave her one hell of a good discount or do it for free. She got a rude awakening because she got the big old bitch, Shannon, because it takes a lot. I have worked so hard on myself all these years to not jump right into the bitch, Shannon, because believe me, you do not wanna get on my bad side whenever you use or abuse me, because I do know how to hold the line when I need to. Professionally, it's a little bit harder. It takes a lot for me to slam the door closed on you, but she got to see me at my worst in my anger, and I flat out held her responsible for what she was doing, and I still did her hair. I made her sign a contract for something and she fought me on it for a half hour. I guess what the contract was about shampooing her hair once a week. That's what I made her sign a contract for. And all it said is that if she does not comply with this signature, that she's going to shampoo her hair once a week. And then I have the the right to not service her as a client anymore if she does not shampoo hair once a week. So. She finally ran outta money and got mad at me, and I don't really care what she did. All I know is that she closed the door because she realized that she could not manipulate me. She could not get me to work. My heney off for three hours. And do it at a re reduced cost win for me, because I held my line and my boundaries, which is a new thing for me, but also I'm kind of sad because I didn't fire her. That would've been wonderful for me, but I wouldn't have been able to handle the stress and the anxiety. It would've caused me for feeling like a failure because I didn't hold up my end of the bargain on the hair. It's stupid, but it's me. But I've learned there's lines and boundaries, so this is okay. It's fine, but I, I'm going overboard. I'm freaking out. I'm working a lot and the stress just keeps building up. There's a lot going on. I love being busy. I love my job, but I was doing too much, way too much. Let's go back to the lessons I've learned. So I learned boundaries with that client. I learned I wasn't going the full direction with the education that the company wanted me to do, but this is my life, my goals, I know what's right for me. So some of the, the worst case scenarios that I have always feared my health made me stop making money because. When you have a brain bleed, you can't really go back to work. My eyes were messed up, or I should say my vision was messed up. My brain was wonky, I was weak. I was off balance, and there was no way I could have done anything. So I lost all of my income. Every last dime of my income went done. Luckily, through the years that I've been working on this. Finance projects that I've been working on. I've stashed some money. I had savings accounts, luckily that I lived off of. It worked. I had to live by faith because when you don't have any income coming in, I don't have paid days off. I don't have workman's comp, I don't have family leave days. It's. You don't work, you don't get paid. The faith was knowing that I would survive. It's okay. I have to be okay to have time to heal, and I was doing great, understanding that it's okay, I have a cushion. I will survive. I live a very simple life. It is okay. I'm fine. Well, faith also came forward that I had a few longtime friends that gifted me finances. I never asked. They were very subtle. They probably would kill me if I ever said their names, but these ladies gifted me finances and that gave me a couple weeks that I got to rest and recover and and thrive. So some more of my fears is, work. How in the heck am I going to have my clients survive without me working? My topper clients have to get it moved up every four to six weeks. If they don't, they're fine hair. Could be ruined, their topper could be ruined. And I will tell you, it was a struggle. I couldn't use my vision, well, I couldn't handle being on my phone. I really couldn't focus on the words on my phone or my iPad because my vision was all over the place. My things literally moved in front of my face on my vision. I could not focus on anything. I used my company's resources of a stylist finder. My client actually started it. She found her own replacement for her topper in reinstall because her son was getting married the following week and she needed a move up, and she found one of my colleagues, I've taken classes with her. She's a, she's wonderful. And she took my clients in multiple of my clients and helped them went overboard. I know she worked more hours to get my clients in because she knew the pressure that I was under. She understood a little bit that my vision was messed up, and she went above and beyond to get my clients in and. That's my fear is failing my clients. Now I have a few clients that have extensions. They went elsewhere and it's not, extensions are a little bit easier. They might not be my same technique, but they can still be installed and the topper is different. You have to have the education, you have to have the training, especially with fine hair. And one of my clients went to someone she found on the stylist search website. And I was a little leery about the location, but there wasn't much options. She didn't wanna go all the way to another state to get her topper taken care of. So she went and she messaged me after she got done there. And I was appalled honestly by what she told me and showed me pictures. Now mind you, my vision's wonky. It took me a while to read what she texted me and the pictures that she sent me. It took me a while to focus on it, but it was awful. I mean, awful. And she went back a second time to try and get it fixed. And it wasn't much better. Well, I will tell you, the lady from Missouri wound up taking my client in and fixing it, and she, she's, she's contacted me. She's let me know what she's doing with my clients, how things are going. And it's, it's, I feel so relieved that I don't have to do this on my own. There's another fear of mine of if I can't do it, who the hell is gonna do it? I didn't have to worry about it. This wonderful stylist. And then another one that I've never met. I needed a client to do a move up with her extensions, and one of my old coworkers knows this girl. Apparently we were at one of the, um, outta state things for this company, and I never met her. If I met her, I, I don't know her, but she's. Counting down to maternity leave and I contact her about a client and she was like, well, I might have time on this day, but I'm not sure until this time, so can I get back to you? She didn't tell me at that time. She was within weeks of giving birth to her child I've been pregnant before doing this job, counting down the weeks knowing how miserable you are when your hips don't hold yourself, and everything hurts and your feet are swollen and your back is killing you, and this baby is kicking your bladder or your liver at any moment. And she took in my client now to say that you're scared. Of having to do it all yourself and realizing people that barely know you will take your clients, your valuable, loving clients.'cause we get so attached to our clients, they take them in and take care of'em because a fellow stylist that they don't even know very well or at all. And they step up and they do it. They put themselves in an uncomfortable position to help someone else, me, help me out. Another fear eliminated because they, these ladies stepped up because we have the same educational background of extensions. Unbelievable blessing. So another fear blown out of the water. Now, the scariness of your eyes. I had, I think it was the week or two. After I got outta the hospital, it might've been a few days after I got outta the hospital, one of my friends contacted me and she had her two row of extensions in and she said, so I have to go in for an MRI this day. My extensions aren't a problem to go in an MRI machine, right? They're not metal. I'm like, oh yeah, your beads are metal. They're steel. I'm pretty sure that would be bad. It'll pull right outta your head. So she had to come to the house and get it removed. Now, at this point, I'm still pretty out of it. I'm very sensitive to light, but I don't fully understand how messed up my vision is and how the simplest thing can cause excruciating pain in the brain. So she comes to the house and I make sure my daughter is there. My daughter's 23. She is been in this career field. She does not do hair. She, but she's been to hair shows with me her whole life. She's very comfortable working with hair, with me, explaining how to do things. So she's there to help out my friend, just in case I can't do it. And I couldn't because your vision has to be so crisp and clear to find this minuscule nylon thread that we stitch extensions with. And to clip it without cutting the natural hair, without cutting the extensions. So, and then you have to use the, the pliers pretty much to remove the metal beads from the hair. Not as hard. They're bigger, they're easier. No big deal. Well, I couldn't do it, and that was the real kick in the butt because that was reality. My eyes are failed. They are failing me. How in the heck am I supposed to do anything? What happens if this doesn't come back? I can't do hair without eyes. It's everything. So Grace takes out the extensions and she, she's great. It's no big deal. My my friend understood that if I couldn't do it, grace could do it. It was fine. So there's another fear of my sight. Well, guess what? Everyone told me. You always get back to normal. It all heals. The blood just needs to dissipate from your body and from your brain, and it'll be fine. So again, another fear conquered. Well, another fear that I never realized how much it affected me. I have lots of dreams of being stuck in very tight or trapped in tight spaces. But I never really understood why. Who cares? Well, I had to have another MRI six weeks after eight weeks, eight weeks after having the brain bleed. My first MRI just to kind of get a lookout and see once the blood is dissipated, I was supposed to have drugs. Well, there was a miscommunication. They do not give you drugs in an in an IV for an MRI when you are outpatient. That would've been good to know eight weeks ago. So my choice was to go through an MRI and sit still while my head was inside this machine. My whole body wasn't in it. It was no big deal, but it was my head. And they have this thing over your head to make sure your head stays still. So my choice was to cancel my MRI and wait to get medication for the next time, which it could have been weeks, or see how far I could get into the MRI to see how many levels into the brain they could get pictures of. So me needing answers and knowing I had two doctor's appointments two days later to go over this results, I decided, okay. We're gonna force yourself to go into this MRI machine. Force yourself to sit still, not move your head and try to breathe through it easy, right? Start the MRI machine and the sounds. They don't bother me. The ticks, the bangs. It's no big deal. The first time I went through it, I was drugged and I listened to Black eyed Peas, or I don't remember what I actually saw. S Oh no. Red Hot Chili peppers. That's what I listened to the first time. Phenomenal picks of bangs and ticks and clicks. All work well with the music'cause it's just, ugh, perfect. I should have done it again this time, but, um, but I'm going through it, breathing through it. Not a good idea because there's this plastic thingy, middle of your head that makes the air go right back into your face. So I fight through being. I wasn't stuck. I acknowledged I was a part of this process of putting myself into this MRI machine and being strapped in, but it was mental fight all the way through to stay calm, breathe through it, disconnect everything. Mission accomplished. I survived. Came out of the MRI machine. Had a full mental breakdown afterwards, but it's okay. I survived. They got clear visions of my brain. They saw that the blood was dissipating. It's not all gone, but there was nothing to see. So that's a win. Survived. I'm good now. I learned that life doesn't end when I can't work. God provides everything I need financially. And it's true. I have family members if I really needed it, I could have asked for finances and they would've helped, but I didn't have to. I learned how to use my other senses when I could not use my eyes, my ears, my feelings, my hands, everything. You know, you, you focus on other things and you process things a little bit different and. Probably the biggest win was I lost all of my muscles from 29 years of doing hair. So my neck is tight or was my neck was tight, my upper shoulders were tight. My lower back was horribly tight and knotted up. My calf muscles were so tight. I was getting spots on the front of my legs from poor blood circulation because my calf muscles were so tight I couldn't get them to relax. Well, those are gone. Perfect blood circulation now because I don't have muscles. So a win, I. Had to learn how to accept help from the entourage, helping me in the bathroom in the hospital to get me back into my hospital bed, to being wheeled out to the car and then helped back into the house, accepting that I was living in my mom's home for a month because it was not safe to me for me to be at home by myself. I had. To ask for help to accept it. And it wasn't bad because it was offered. I mean, so many people offered to help in any way and it was amazing to actually hear that kind of stuff, but, but it wasn't hard to accept it. Another challenge is I had to learn how to rest. The first morning that I actually got to the house and I actually was feeling decent. I mean, I think it was a cloudy day. I celebrated cloudy days whenever I was first home because sun's shining, sun shining through the house was horrible. It was painful. It was literally pain. So. When I sat down one day and realized I have the whole day that I have nothing I have to do. I mean, I'm used to having a laundry list of things that I have to accomplish every day, and I sat there and I'm like, what the heck do you do all day when you can't read? You can't draw, you can't paint, you can't do. Yeah, anything with your eyes, what are you supposed to do? That was very triggering, honestly. It's like, oh, you think how many people wish to have a full day of doing nothing? I dream of that all the time. Well, I got it, except if I couldn't do squat, but rest, I couldn't really listen to podcasts then, because it was too loud, it was too much, so I had to accept. For myself that it was okay to rest. It was okay to let myself do nothing. You know how hard that is? It is so hard to just sit there and sit there, let your mind wander to rest to heal. That was a lesson I probably really needed to learn because it was. A lot harder than you think it would be. It. It was crazy. Now, my daughter took my phone away from me since probably the first day at the ER because she had to cancel my customers. My customers were calling to make appointments and messaging, to make appointments and whatever, but she took care of it. My phone was gone. Until I realized one day in the hospital that I had to ask, what day is it? And I can't remember what they said. I think it was Friday. And all of a sudden I realized, holy crap. I have a homecoming girl down on Saturday and she needs to find someone else to go to because I can't do her hair. Oh my God, this is the worst thing ever. Now mind you, I'm in the hospital. My mom and and daughter have been freaking out on if I was gonna live. And I'm freaking out over a 16-year-old girl getting her hair done for homecoming. It's really not that life threatening and challenging, but at that moment it is because I'm letting a client down. So I message some of the ladies at the salon, let'em know what's going on. Grace texted out, I didn't have to do it, and. Sent them the mom's name and her phone number, and they were like, don't worry about it. We'll take care of it. She'll be taken care of. We got it. Now I'm self-employed. I rent a room in a salon. Do you know how much of a blessing that is? Because I have a group of people willing to help you out. Now they know me. We've worked together quite a few years now. You have good days, bad days with everyone, but they covered it and I didn't have to worry about it. I have clients that were able to call up to the salon and get their hair done. They could get haircuts, their color. They were willing to help every single one of my clients if they asked for it. It was phenomenal. A weight was taken off of my shoulders because they were more than willing to help me out, and it was a blessing. Amazing lesson because I have never felt more supported in my life than I have through this whole thing. Now, this is horrible. This is a major life changing experience that I'm living through, but it has taught me so much things, so, so many things. So I want you to understand that just because you're going through hell. It doesn't mean you're supposed to stay there. What can you learn from it? I have learned so much about myself and how many people I am surrounded by that actually care and are willing to help and did help. And I know some people are mad at me because I didn't have a way to for them to help, but. It is amazing to understand that when you're going through hell, you can look around because there's actually people that if you let'em know that you're going through hell, they wanna help and they might be able to support you in a way that you never even think is possible. Because how I, I have a hard time asking for help accepting help because I don't wanna be a burden on someone else. Well, guess what? They took the question mark in my head away because they offered it and they were more than willing to help with anything, and it was, it was intense, honestly, knowing how many people care. Uh, the other day I actually. Went out in public. Really, I've, I've gone out just very few times because the lights are still hard for me. I have to be very careful around certain lighting because the s strobing effect of fluorescent lights, so one of my cousins had her, her parents' tickets to go to a small theater here in town where the kids all put on a Christmas play and it's, it's, it's. Top notch. It's, it's wonderful. And she had extra tickets. Her parents didn't need it, so I wound up going with her. Didn't even ask what play it was because half the time I don't know what plays are anyway, but I wind up going and walk in the door. I go get my popcorn and my ski, and one of my clients is there, one of my topper clients, and she's like, oh my God, it's so great to see you. Amazing. I have a hard time in public space. I used to have hard times in public spaces because of the expectation of, I don't know how to say the right thing all the time. What if I say something wrong, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, all the fears. So I have a wonderful conversation with her, her son's in the play, and it's fantastic. And. I walk into the theater and my cousin who went in be and found a seat, she's talking to some people. Well, there's one of my friends and her sister sitting there, so I got to give her a big old hug and thank her for what she did for me. Sorry, it's an emotional one for me today, but the gratification I got from seeing two people that, one, she led the way on finding. Another stylist that she could go to, and she actually went to Jamie in St. Peter's to get her topper taken care of. She led the way for my other clients to be able to go to Jamie because she opened the door. Now, I would've messaged Jamie anyway, but not having to fight through my vision issues and the website and everything was a blessing. So these ladies. Or angels to me because of what they were able to do in this time in their own way. So what I want you to understand is even if it's the smallest thing and you think you are helping yourself more than anyone else. Eh, think again because the smallest things mean the world to so many people. I know it meant the world to me. It is amazing, the little coincidences. So I believe I was meant to go to the theater to go talk to these two people, and one, the play was so cute and it was great, but also to be there and slowly step into the world again. Because it has only been the last week that I've actually had the energy to get out of the hou outside of the house for too long to be able to go and slowly step back into the world because, whew, it's been a long ride these eight weeks. It's been rough, but it's getting better. So even when you're going through hell. Look at the lessons you're supposed to learn and learn it so you don't have to repeat it. But I will say the breaks were slammed on hard in my life with this whole brain bleed, but now I can jump back on the tracks and figure out what I want outta my life. I can remind myself that I'm the priority. That it is okay if I can only work this many hours a day or this many hours a week, and it will do what I can do, and it's okay. I have limitations. I have standards that I need to let myself have, and. Put my life back in order on how I want it. I can, I know what wall I want my ladder on, and I was reminded of my purpose that I realized two years ago that this is the, the direction I wanted, but it kind of kept being pushed back because I didn't have time. I was too busy. My schedule was too tight. I didn't have time to do this and do that, and do that and do that. Well, guess what? I got pissed off because this stylist did not do her due diligence on my client's hair, and now if she took training, I have no idea. The salon owners did I know, but it lit the fire in me that I needed to know that. What excites me. With this company and the direction I want to go with it, it made me laser focused on it again, and guess what? While I'm slowly recovering, I can work on that. I can go that direction that I need and work towards it because the wrong direction that I was on it got halted. I didn't know how to slow myself down because I was booked out six, seven weeks in advance. Some, oh, the Saturdays were booked out for the rest of the year. For months. So cutting back my hours and days was daunting for me. I didn't know how to do it. Well, guess what? It's a little easier right now because I have to, and I can put my priorities in place, remind myself what I want my life to be, what I want it to look like, and it's okay to say no. Now, I had a new client reach out to me. Actually, she reached out to me before the brain bleed in October, but I never was able to get back to her, and she messaged me again. She said, Hey, I stopped at the salon. They said you were coming back. So if you could get me in before the Christmas, it would be great. Ugh. No. So I had a messenger. I was like, look, I'm really sorry I had a brain bleed early October. I'm just starting back into work. I need to prioritize my clients that I had to cancel on first and go from there. She's like, oh, okay, well let me know whenever you have time. And had I said no without even thinking about it, and I'm like, okay. Maybe there's a reason I had to have half my memories lost with a brain bleed because now it's time to forget my faults that I had in the past and relearn what I am from now on. Don't you ever wish you could erase some of the memories from your past because they're not pretty. You don't wanna remember your faults and how you screwed up. I don't know. I am learning that I am okay with putting my life in a direction I want. I know what I want. I just have to remember, remember to say no to the things that don't guide me in the direction that I want to go. It is okay to say no. I had to learn the hard way. Man, this was a hard lesson, but it's okay. I've learned it. Hopefully this never happens again, and we'll go from here. So I hope this helped. I know I have a lot of lessons that I've learned in my life, and I'm hoping that something in here might resonate and you can understand. I'm not the only one that does this. And it's okay to put myself first and live my life for myself. So go on. Have a wonderful week. Put yourself first. Figure out what you want outta life, what you want to do, and what you wanna say no to figure out how and maybe need to put your life on a spin and figure out what you really wanna do. Make one step closer to whatever you want. Have a great week. Bye.