After School Mood Swings: A Survival Guide

In this episode of the Globally Thriving Families Podcast, host Clare O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist, delves into the topic of after school behaviours, often referred to as 'after school restraint collapse.' Clare explains the various factors that can contribute to this phenomenon, including the mental and sensory demands of the school day that lead to emotional outbursts once children are in their safe home environment. She provides practical strategies for parents to support their children, from offering crunchy or chewy snacks and allowing some quiet time to incorporating movement activities and fostering connection. Clare also addresses the importance of seeking support from school staff and professionals if the behaviours are persistent and intense. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their child’s afterschool behaviour and consider the outlined tips to help their children manage their emotions and thrive.

00:00 Introduction to Globally Thriving Families Podcast
01:00 Understanding After School Behaviours
02:00 Causes of After School Restraint Collapse
05:23 Brain Science Behind Emotional Regulation
07:14 Supporting Your Child: Practical Tips
14:20 Connecting with Your Child After School
16:09 Screen Time and Homework Considerations
19:01 Conclusion and Contact Information

Resources mentioned:

Dinner Time Conversation starters: https://www.anxioustoddlers.com/family-dinner/

Animal Moves: https://www.yourtherapysource.com/blog1/2021/08/26/animal-walks/

Connect with Clare: globally.thriving@gmail.com

Website: https://www.globallythriving.com

Connect with Clare on Instagram: http://instagram.com/globally_thriving

Book a free 20 minute call with Clare: https://tidycal.com/globallythriving/20-minute-meeting

Transcript

0:00

Are you a parent or caregiver raising your child internationally? Are you curious about how to nurture your child's development? But find all the parenting information out there confusing? If so, you are in the right place. Welcome to the Globally Thriving Families Podcast. I'm your host, Clare O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist with a passion for supporting children and their families for more than 25 years. Whether it's understanding how to build resilience to practical tips for language development, screen time challenges, and staying calm amongst the chaos, Globally Thriving Families is here to help. Join me as we explore the topics that give you the insights and guidance you need to support your children to thrive. No matter where your family's adventures take you. Hello. and welcome. Today we are going to be talking about after school behaviors. So have you noticed any changes in your child's behavior after school at all? Are they moody or irritable? Do they ever have meltdowns or outbursts? Do they argue with you? Are they withdrawn sometimes? Have you ever experienced this at all with your child? I know over the years I have at different times in the school year with both of my kids. So, whether they're little or they're teens we need to step back a little bit and think about what might be going on for our children when they're leaving school and coming home. What exactly is happening and why might they be struggling? I know as a parent, it can be quite stressful. You know, you haven't seen them all day, and then when you do, you're the one that's having to manage their big emotions and their big feelings and behavior. It's really hard to know what to do sometimes and how to help them. So, this is not a totally uncommon occurence for kids to really keep it together during the school day. And then by the end of the day, they fall apart a little bit. It's what's known as'after school restraint collapse'. Now it sounds quite dramatic doesn't it? So let's unpack it a little bit to find out what that actually really means. And I want you to consider for a moment, everything your child needs to do during those hours at school.. I'm thinking about the specifics of what is involved in the school day and their routine. So firstly, even from just getting up in the morning, if they're not a morning person, or if they're getting used to early mornings after a long holiday or just the weekend, even. That can kind of set the tone for them to just be a little bit tired or overtired. And then getting the uniform on for some children is quite challenging f rom a sensory point of view, It might feel scratchy or uncomfortable. And then there's the general routine of the day. And following the routine, managing the expectations of the different teachers that they might have to listen to, they have to understand and follow instructions. Then they're interacting with the students and navigating friendships, even managing break times. And for some children break time is a stressful part of the day. And then there's inside the classroom and in the halls, it's having to filter out noise in busy environments. If it's an older child, they're also having to find their way between classrooms for different lessons. Maybe they find sitting at the desk and paying attention difficult. Maybe they feel like the chairs are uncomfortable and their core strengths might be weak. So that makes it hard to sit up right. And pay attention. Sometimes the season can really impact their mood too. I know here we're in the middle east and on the days when it's really hot and humid. Our kids. They've still gone off to school in their blazers, their full uniform, and just the heat coming out at the end of the day is enough to make them quite grumpy So they're just some parts of the school day or experiences aside from the lessons themselves that can take a significant amount of mental energy. Added to this, if your child is new to a school or in a new country, and having difficulties with certain aspects of school life, then this can be really amplified and it's exhausting for our kids. What often happens is they really try hard to keep it together and control their emotions, their actions, their behavior. Which is why when they get home to their safe space, then it all starts to fall apart. Now it might not be a full blown meltdown. It might just start with something a lot more subtle. Perhaps for instance, it could be what you consider to be some unreasonable requests for something. Maybe they complain a bit, maybe they've got some general moodiness or they're withdrawn or reluctant to talk at all to you after school In some cases, it can really be more of an intense dysregulation crying and screaming. So to understand why this happens we need to think about the brain science. So. Firstly when everything is new to a child or a teen or an adult for that matter our prefrontal cortex in the brain has to work really hard. That part of the brain is responsible for our executive functioning system. So our executive functions are a set of cognitive skills that help us plan prioritize, remember things, organize ourselves. They also help us be flexible in our thinking such as when plans change and things, don't go our way. They help us manage our emotions and see things from other people's points of view. They also help us remain calm when we're frustrated. They really do underpin all of our child's learning and behavior. So, if you think about all these aspects to our child's school day, particularly in times of transition. So in the early few weeks of a new school term, or when someone's changing schools or they've moved schools, moved countries, So much of what they are doing is drawing upon these executive functioning skills. It's really taxing. Over those seven to eight hours, the accumulation of cognitive demands and sensory demands and holding in emotions can really fatigue the executive function system in the brain. Now as a side note, it's really important to know that the prefrontal cortex in the brain does not finish fully developing until around age 25. So we can't really expect our kids to always be able to hold it together when there are constant and increasing demands placed on them, they just don't have the skills for that yet. Remember children are not mini adults. And as they're growing, they are developing these skills. Okay. So how can we support our kids with this? Although some level of stress and dysregulation can be expected in many children and it's not uncommon. It is important not to also normalize a child being that distressed after being in school, especially if it persists. If children have anxiety, if they're neurodivergent, if they're highly sensitive, if they have sensory processing challenges, then they might feel this more intensely than others. If you, as a parent or a caregiver have noticed this in your child and it's really impacting home life and happening frequently, then it's really worth seeking support. You don't have to manage this alone and just accept that it's part of their experience of going to school. We want to be able to support our kids, to optimize their experience of school. If you're feeling unsure about who to turn to you could firstly discuss it with the teachers. To see what might be happening during the school day that's contributing to them falling apart at the end of the day. It's about putting on those detective glasses. And obviously you as the parent, you're not at school with them all day. So you don't really know the details of how they are moving through that routine. So you need to collaborate with those that are, that can maybe give you some insight into how your child is functioning in the class, managing routines, the transitions between activities. Their overall behavior and how they are with friends. So if it's persistent and intense, please start there. Now if it's occasional or less intense, here are a few things to consider. I'm going to go through four things. So firstly, when we think about right at pickup time, You need to give them a snack of some kind. At school, it's not uncommon for children not to eat that well at school or that much for various reasons. And so they could actually just be low on energy and then getting a little'hangry'. To add to that. If you're giving them a snack, give them something that is particularly chewy or crunchy. So the reason for this is the jaw movements that we use when we're crunching and biting and chewing, and even sucking through a straw, gives us what we call proprioceptive feedback, which is actually regulating to our nervous system. We also call it heavy work. So the chewing and the crunching is heavy work for our jaw. Even chewing gum as part of that too. Which is why some people chew gum when they feel anxious, because it's actually regulating. I actually like to make my kids a smoothie when they get home from school, because if it's a nice thick smoothie and they suck it through a straw, then that gives them that heavy work for their jaw as well. So that is number one, the snack number two, give them a little bit of space. So I know we're excited to ask them about their day and find out about everything that happened and who they hung out with and all that kind of stuff. I do this too. So I'm reminding myself now. But some children do need a bit more space and quiet than others when they get home. So if that's your child, let them do their thing for a little while, maybe half an hour or so, whatever they need. Maybe they want to get dressed into comfy clothes. Get that uniform off. Maybe they can have like a nice, quiet, calm, dim, lit environment in their room. Maybe they can use a weighted blanket as well. That's calming. Just giving them a chance to recharge so that then they can get on with the rest of the evening It's really about tuning into what your child is telling you through their actions and their behavior. Now if your child gets the bus home from school and you're not picking them all up, or they're not walking. Then obviously, depending on how lively it is on the bus that could offer them a nice sort of low demand kind of transition from school to home. If you have a sensory sensitive kid and the bus home is really chaotic, then that could also be contributing to a bit of depletion and dysregulation when they get home. So if they're sensitive to the heat, the noise, the motion of the bus, you know, stopping and starting in the traffic. And that bothers them, then perhaps they could use headphones or even ear plugs. It is possible to get ear plugs for kids. That help reduce noise, but still allow for conversation if they want to. So the third thing is about movement. so I mentioned when I was talking about snacks, something called heavy work and how it has a kind of calming or regulating effect on the nervous system. So other things you can do with that is if by chance you are on the way home, there's a playground or a park accessible, even a few minutes, getting in some play would be really valuable. So activities like monkey bars. That gives our body that heavy work or gentle swinging on the swing all these things can help the nervous system. Of course other afterschool activities like swimming and sports and dance are all beneficial types of movement that can give that heavy work as well. But if it's not possible to go to the park and if there's no specific afterschool activities going on and they're going straight home, then there are other ways that you can get some really beneficial movement at home. So things they could do at home could be really simple as maybe building a fort. That's got really good movement and position changes. Doing some yoga poses and stretching. Another one, I talk about a lot and I love is balloon keepy uppy. So if you want to play a balloon volleyball, if you've got some rackets at home and have some space, then doing that even just for a few minutes, it's a fun way of getting some beneficial movement in after school. Another one I love is doing animal walks and animal moves. If you don't know what I'm talking about I'm going to put a link in the show notes, which outlines some of the animal moves that you can do. Really good for nervous system regulation and whole body strengthening as well. We also have a yoga ball at home that my kids love. They just spend a few minutes, like rolling back and forth, bouncing on it, doing some balancing exercises. Sometimes when they're watching TV, they're also bouncing on the ball. So I'll put some other suggestions in the show notes, too, that you can look over. for activities that you can do at home for regulating the nervous system. And then you can just try and find something that works for you guys. Okay. So a quick recap, before we go any further. So the first thing I talked about was the snack. Eating something crunchy and chewy. Secondly, giving your child some space, third thing, getting some movement in. If you'd been able to do those three things, then hopefully your child will be in a more regulated state so that they can get on with the rest of that evening. Now the fourth part is about connection. How you connect with your child after school is probably going to depend on how old they are on what their interests are. So, if they're younger, you might actually play with them. You might join them in play. You might just be sitting close to them while they are playing. You might get them to help you with meal prep. I know some kids love getting involved in mealtimes with chopping the veggies and doing some of those chores and that's actually a really nice chance to just be side by side, without pressure. You're not asking them how their day was and looking them in the eye. but it actually might spark off just a conversation. And then of course sharing the meal together in the evening. Now I know with after school activities, and if you have more than one kid, it's hard sometimes to actually all sit down to eat together. So it may not be realistic to do that every night, but if you can, it is a really nice chance to connect. When nobody's looking at their phone, nobody's busy doing something else. You're just all sitting together, sharing a meal. That can be a really nice way to reflect and debrief on everybody's day. And if you're chatting about everybody's day, maybe you can also sprinkle in a few different questions, some creative questions. That gets a little bit more meaningful conversation out a bit. For instance, what was the funniest thing that happened to you today? Or if people are reluctant to share their day, maybe you can just start off by sharing your day. So there are different ways to spark off a conversation. I'm going to give you a list of questions as well in the show notes to check out. Before we wrap up, there's a couple more things I want to mention. We've got the four suggestions. All right. And I just want to mention, screens and TV. Now I know as far as screens go, a lot of kids, when they get home, they just want to get changed and get straight on the TV or their devices. So obviously it's really up to yourself as an individual and as a family, what works for you in your home. Personally, I think it really depends on how they would be using the screens that dictates whether it is a calming and regulating activity or not for your child. We will talk about this in more detail on another episode, but I want to just mention this. So. If your kids want to get straight into playing video games. That isn't as regulating for the nervous system as the child themselves probably thinks. So even though the kid feels like that is what relaxes them. And it looks like they're relaxed because they're quiet. It's actually very stimulating. So if they're watching a show, maybe on TV, that's probably a bit more relaxing than the game. So these intense role playing games are not as calming, as we think It is stimulating the brain. Now, the other thing I want to mention is about homework. Again, every household has different rules and routines about when kids are expected to start their homework and get their homework done. And, where it fits into the evening. Every family is different. So this isn't prescriptive. Some kids might be fine to just get straight on with it as soon as they get home. And then other kids actually do need to go through those four steps before they are in a space where they can actually focus and get on with the work or learn or complete the task. And if the child is dysregulated, if they're hungry and they're grumpy, when they get home from school, they're not going to be in a place where they can effectively get that piece of work done. Or revise. or read the book or whatever it is. Now, obviously these are all general strategies to consider, which might help to support your child when they're coming home from school. As I said, do connect with the school if you feel that your child is struggling, and is distressed and having intense emotions when they get home from school. Because, as I said earlier, we don't need to really normalize that as just being part of school life. You can also seek advice from an occupational therapist, if you really want to break down some of those sensory sensitivities or functional issues at school. Because that might help with that detective work to figure out what might be going on for your child, if they are struggling. And if there's any other ways that they can be supported. Now I'd love to know what your experiences have been with afterschool emotions and behaviors. And if you've tried any of these strategies, then please do let me know. If you'd like to get in touch, please do. You can email me on globally dot thriving@gmail.com, or you can find me on Instagram at Globally_ Thriving. Also, if you check out my website, globally thriving.com, you can sign up to receive a monthly book summary, which is a handy summary of the latest parenting books straight to your inbox. Thank you so much for listening. See you next time.