Living in Limbo: How to Stay Grounded When Change is on the Horizon.

Navigating the Uncertainty of International Family Transitions

In this episode of the Globally Thriving Families Podcast, host Clare O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist, addresses the challenges faced by international families during periods of potential transitions. She delves into the emotional impact of living in limbo, how uncertainty affects both parents and children, and the concept of uncertainty tolerance from a neuroscience perspective. Clare offers practical tips for managing stress, staying grounded, and supporting children's emotional well-being during such times. She emphasizes the importance of self-care, maintaining routines, and fostering resilience in kids. Tune in for valuable insights and strategies to navigate these uncertain periods with confidence.

00:00 Introduction to Globally Thriving Families
01:09 Understanding the Uncertainty of International Living
02:53 The Emotional Impact of Uncertainty
07:35 Children and Uncertainty
09:48 Strategies for Managing Uncertainty
14:15 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Resources mentioned in this episode: 

The Uncertainty Effect: How to Survive and Thrive Through the Unexpected, Michelle D. Lazarus, PhD

Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds, David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken

Connect with Clare: globally.thriving@gmail.com

Website: https://www.globallythriving.com

Connect with Clare on Instagram: http://instagram.com/globally_thriving

Book a free 20 minute call with Clare: https://tidycal.com/globallythriving/20-minute-meeting

Transcript

0:06

Are you a parent or caregiver raising your child internationally? Are you curious about how to nurture your child's development? But find all the parenting information out there confusing? If so, you are in the right place. Welcome to the Globally Thriving Families Podcast. I'm your host, Clare O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist with a passion for supporting children and their families for more than 25 years. Whether it's understanding how to build resilience to practical tips for language development, screen time challenges, and staying calm amongst the chaos, Globally Thriving Families is here to help. Join me as we explore the topics that give you the insights and guidance you need to support your children to thrive. No matter where your family's adventures take you. Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Globally Thriving Families. Now, if you talk to any international family, they would probably be able to tell you what their plan A, B, or C might be if their circumstances were to change suddenly. That's the kind of uncertainty that many of us exist with in the background. So today we're gonna talk about something that I know many of you will be able to relate to at some point in your journey. I'm talking specifically about the period of time when as a family there is a possibility of a transition in the works, but it's not completely certain. That limbo period where you can feel really unsettled and that can really impact our family life and relationships. There are lots of different scenarios where this could happen. So sometimes families know they have a set time period in a place, and after that time they'll move somewhere else, which they may or may not have a choice about. So there could be a stretch of time where maybe two or three new countries could be on the horizon. And then other families maybe don't have a specific time period to be in a country, but the open-endedness of that balanced with other decisions like responding to the needs of aging parents or optimizing schooling decisions for the kids means that the possibility of change is always there in the back of your mind. So if you can relate to any of these scenarios, keep listening as we're going to explore what's going on beneath the surface. You'll gain some insights into why you're feeling this way, and I'll talk about some ways you can reframe and manage this period of time to support your kids and support your own wellbeing, which is a priority at this time. Firstly, let's think about what's happening. It's natural to feel unsettled because there's an emotional weight to not knowing isn't there? If your life in a particular country is centered around one person's job, and if that job changes, it potentially means that everything changes. In many cases, changing jobs also means changing cities or countries, which means starting again with new school, a new home, a new life. One minute you're going through your regular routine. The next minute you're packing up, you're saying goodbye, you're closing down a life where you currently are, and looking towards setting up a new life somewhere else. That's big. And it's not just all the practical logistics. Having this in your mind can absolutely impact your emotional regulation and therefore your parenting presence as a whole. I am sure many of you can relate to having snapped at our kids or our spouse because of other things that were weighing on our mind. Meanwhile, since nothing is certain, you might also be trying to carry on normally to everyone around you, so your friends, your coworkers, people at school, or extended family. So it really makes sense that we feel unsettled and anxious. An interesting concept that I read about, which is so relevant for our international community, is uncertainty tolerance, which is a term psychologists and researchers talk about. Essentially, it's how comfortable we are with not knowing and how we respond to that. Dr. Michelle Lazarus in her book, The Uncertainty Effect describes how our tolerance of uncertainty is something that is both innate, so it's in us naturally and influenced by our unique circumstances. So family or work or cultural factors amongst other things, and it changes over time. We all have a different level of uncertainty tolerance. So just an example of how it might change over time is as our kids get older, the implications for changing schools or education systems might be greater, and so our tolerance to that uncertainty might be lower than when they were toddlers. If you are a family that have been living overseas for a while, you may have experienced this limbo a few times, and I wonder if the way you felt about it was different each time? Maybe you and your spouse also have a different level of uncertainty, tolerance, and that can add to the discomfort that you feel. You know, sometimes we as adults can inadvertently discourage each other from expressing our fears about possible transitions and, and that could cause us instead to feel the need to put on a brave face, be positive and upbeat, and maybe there's some shame in there too, for feeling a certain way. At these times. We can often start to neglect some of the routines and habits that are actually the most beneficial for us, like getting outside and regular movement, eating well, and just looking after ourselves. When we are stressed or there's something weighing heavily on our mind, we do often end up skipping the walk, the workout, the get together with friends, forgetting to drink water. And that actually can make us more dysregulated as a result. Let's think about the neuroscience of what is happening. So our brain is always trying to protect us, and if it detects a possible threat, which in this case is the uncertainty of a possible change, it activates the amygdala, which is the part of the brain that processes fear and triggers a fight or flight or freeze response. It has other roles too, but that's, this is just one of them. The amygdala sends a signal that prioritizes survival over anything else. And then there's also the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that operates. the executive function system, which I've mentioned in previous episodes. So that's the area of the brain that helps us use our reasoning skills to think logically, stick to those habits, manage our schedule and prioritize, and really importantly, to regulate our emotions. So under this stress, our amygdala kind of overtakes this area, which then it reduces our ability to regulate our emotions and to make those thoughtful decisions, or even take care of ourselves beyond the automatic things that we do. So anything that requires planning or effort or discipline or problem solving can actually feel so much harder in that time. Now, our kids can sense the uncertainty too. If the possible change is still at an early phase, you may not have shared yet with your children, but they might already have a sense that something is up. Our kids are watching and absorbing everything that we say and do. Depending on the developmental stage a child's at, you might decide to wait until you know for sure, or they might be ready for you to acknowledge that a possible change is coming. Whatever you decide, you don't need to over promise for reassurance. You can stick to the facts, i.e.'we don't know yet what's happening' and you can be honest.'We're still figuring it out, and as soon as we know, we'll tell you' In the book Third Culture Kids, the author David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken talk about the unresolved grief that third culture kids experience throughout their international life. So they describe several hidden losses that come with these transitions. And now whilst today I am only talking specifically about this limbo period where the transition hasn't even happened yet. it's still helpful to acknowledge these hidden losses as part of the feelings around it arise because of what we are anticipating. We anticipate these losses and we start to grieve them even before they've happened. Some of these hidden losses that they talk about are the fact that with one plane ride, our kids could be losing several things at the same time. The tangible things like possessions, routines, and their lifestyle, but also friendships and identity and their sense of belonging. These are just a few of them. Our kids don't need us to have all the answers in a time of uncertainty. They don't even really need us to be overly breezy. They need us to be present and for us to take care of ourselves. Navigating this limbo period will be a learning experience for all of us, whether it's your first time or the fifth time, it's a muscle that we're building in ourselves and for them, and as Dr. Michelle Lazarus suggests, it's an essential life skill to be able to move through this period of time. So how can we help ourselves and our kids stay grounded? Firstly, validate their feelings without feeling the need to change them. You can normalize that yes, it makes sense that you might feel sad or worried or excited, or a mixture depending on what they identify, but they may not have words for their feelings as yet. If they aren't verbalizing how they feel, you may see it come out in other ways such as their behaviors or their emotions that might be close to the surface. Tuning into your child to be that detective, which is something I've mentioned before, is really valuable. When we support our kids through these kinds of uncertain times without trying to fix everything, this is where they are learning to develop resilience. Secondly, focus on what is certain for the time being. So for our kids, school, friendships, activities and routines, keeping that consistency helps ground them in normality, and it keeps those essential connections between others. And including other anchors, like maybe Friday night or weekend routines with the emphasis on connection and fun could really help too. And actually that's really where the resilience comes from. You know, there is uncertainty and if you have an openness to letting them feel their feelings. Let them ask questions and try not to dismiss their worries then they're learning that they're capable of getting through uncertainty as well. Thirdly, anchoring yourself as a parent. It is hard. I know. We've all heard advice that if we want our kids to remain calm, then we have to as well, and it's easier said than done, but for a minute, forget what you think is expected of you. No one has it all together. We are not robots. We are not superhuman. We are messy. Uncertainty can bring about this tension and we might act differently with others. We might start micromanaging their life or our life. We might go frantically into research mode, even the slightest mention of a change or a new opportunity, and within 30 minutes you may have scoped out the schools in the area. But that's not a bad thing. That's just taking action, which might feel right in the moment because you wanna have some control in a situation where there isn't a lot of control. If you can sit in silence for just 10 minutes and close your eyes and tune in. Are you feeling any tension in your body? Where is it? You know, sometimes we feel stress and tension in our throat or our neck or our shoulders, our chest, or our stomach. So move through the body like that and just notice what comes up. Ask yourself what you need to feel more grounded.'cause this will help you think more clearly and have more clarity when the time comes to actually make some decisions. It also affects how you interact with your spouse and your kids. If you can, talk it over with a trusted friend or a coach if you have one. And as always, I'm going to suggest doing heavy work or proprioception, because that's a great way to support our nervous system regulation. So that could be with exercise, with weights, with doing pushups against the wall, with giving somebody a tight squeezy hug. There's loads of things. And then fourthly. Let's think about acceptance. If the stress around the uncertainty has affected your habits and routines, it's all right. You've just gotta get through this season. You'll come out of it the other side, and those habits will still be there when you do. The good news is that even small actions or micro habits can signal to the brain that you're safe. So choose one thing at a time. Maybe stretch on the floor in the morning or before bed. Call a friend and share what's on your mind. Write down your biggest worry on a sticky note. Give yourself permission to cancel plans. Stay in the shower an extra few minutes. Drop your shoulders. Rewatch a movie or a TV show that you know you will laugh at. These are just some small things you can do to help you along the way. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. So let's just summarize. When a move or a change might be on the horizon, but nothing is confirmed, it can really feel like you're living in limbo. This kind of uncertainty isn't just all about the planning and the logistics. It's challenging our uncertainty tolerance. From a neuroscience perspective, our brain is wired to try to keep us safe. So this uncertainty can activate the alarm system in the brain, and that's why we feel stressed and overwhelmed, and we might not be able to keep up with the routines that draw on our executive function skills. Our kids can feel it too because they pick up on our energy and our tone and our body language. We might see this through their behavior and their responses and their reactions, but luckily we don't have to have all the answers to support them or ourselves. If we can take a few moments to tune into our nervous system by slowing down a little, focusing on micro habits that honor what we need, whether it's movement or fresh air, nourishment or connection, then we can help expand our own uncertainty tolerance so that we can help our kids. And if you are in this limbo right now, I am thinking of you and I know you are capable of navigating it. You have probably navigated many of these unknowns already, so you know that clarity will be on the other side of it. Keep going and thanks so much for listening. If anything in this episode sparked something for you, I'd love to hear about it. You can find me on Instagram at globally_thriving, or you can reach out to me on my website. Globally thriving.com Also, if you are curious about parent coaching and if it might be right for you, you can book a free 20 minute call via the link in the show notes, and we can have a no pressure conversation just to find out more about it. See you next time.