Beyond Parenting Styles & What Really Shapes How We Raise Our Kids

A flexible lens for parents that considers the child, the caregiver, the context, and core values to guide your parenting. 

In this episode of Globally Thriving Families, host Clare O'Byrne emphasizes the importance of moving beyond popular parenting styles by understanding the unique needs of each child, the parent's background, the context of upbringing, and core family values. She introduces a simplified framework using the Four Cs—Child, Caregiver, Context, and Core Values—to guide parents in their daily interactions. Clare also explores foundational studies on parenting approaches and how to navigate the nuances of raising children, particularly in globally mobile and neurodivergent families.

00:00 Introduction to Globally Thriving Families
01:06 Podcast Schedule 
01:46 Understanding Popular Parenting Styles
03:02 Beyond Parenting Styles: The Nuances
04:12 Historical Perspectives on Parenting Approaches
05:51 Modern Parenting Styles and Their Implications
08:06 The Need for Nuanced Parenting
14:41 The Four Cs: A New Parenting Framework
17:11 Implementing the Four Cs in Your Parenting
18:24 Conclusion and next steps

Resources mentioned in this episode: 

The Conscious Parent. Dr. Shefali Tsabary.

The Gentle Parenting Book. Sarah Ockwell-Smith.

Brain-Body Parenting. Dr. Mona Delahooke.

Connect with Clare: clare@globallythriving.com

Get the Free 5 Minute Parenting Reset for Busy Globally Mobile Families: Website: https://www.globallythriving.com

Connect with Clare on Instagram: http://instagram.com/globally_thriving

Book a free 20 minute call with Clare: https://tidycal.com/globallythriving/20-minute-meeting

Transcript

0:05

Are you a parent or caregiver raising your child internationally? Are you curious about how to nurture your child's development? But find all the parenting information out there confusing? If so, you are in the right place. Welcome to the Globally Thriving Families Podcast. I'm your host, Clare O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist with a passion for supporting children and their families for more than 25 years. Whether it's understanding how to build resilience to practical tips for language development, screen time challenges, and staying calm amongst the chaos, Globally Thriving Families is here to help. Join me as we explore the topics that give you the insights and guidance you need to support your children to thrive. No matter where your family's adventures take you. Hello, and welcome to another episode of Globally Thriving Families. At the moment, I'm publishing episodes every two weeks as since the summer that seems to have worked out better for my life, really, and schedule, and I love doing the podcast and I also put a great deal of care and time into creating the episodes, So really every two weeks at the moment is working better for me and that's the reality of family life. Um, I have other work and other responsibilities and I would love it if you have been listening and if you have any feedback, if you could rate and leave a review, that would be amazing. So I would appreciate that so much. So you've probably heard a lot about parenting styles, for example, maybe Gentle parenting,. Conscious parenting, even FAFO parenting that has been in the news this year, Now, these labels, they're everywhere right now, particularly if you are on social media and in the mainstream media too. You know, morning shows and news programs are talking about these parenting approaches So these parenting styles can be helpful to us because they can give us some language to describe different approaches and it does get people thinking about. How they're relating to their kids and why they do what they do. But something I've noticed over the years really is that they don't necessarily help us with the complexities of daily life with our kids. So whilst they give us some things to think about and some new insights, for sure, the actual day to day of parenting is so varied and so nuanced that. It's kind of impossible to just use a particular style of parenting and apply it to all situations that we have to face with our kids. So in this episode, I want to go beyond those styles and talk about some of the layers that they don't capture. So. things like your child's nervous system, their stage of development, your own history and what you bring to, the family and to the dynamic of parenting. And then also the specific unique context that you are raising your kids in. And that might be a cultural context. So my hope is that you'll be able to see beyond these labels and use a simple lens, almost like a compass that I'm gonna tell you about, that helps you reflect on the child that's in front of you. It helps you reflect on you as the parent, the context that you're actually parenting in. And the core family values that you have., I want you to be confident in your own choices and in your ability to use your critical thinking. You don't have to rely on scripts or make your parenting fit to a certain method or compromise your own intuition and values. So that's what I'm gonna focus on today. So let's get right into it. Now firstly, so that you have some context, I want to tell you briefly about parenting approaches that have actually been studied. So back in the sixties, a developmental psychologist called Diana Baumrind from the US she studied parenting styles and basically how parents were raising their kids. And from her research, she developed three approaches. So firstly is the authoritarian approach. So that is a strict and controlling approach. It doesn't really focus on emotions and the emotional wellbeing of the child. The second one is permissive parenting, so that's more of a warm style, but with low structure and rules. So the emphasis is more on keeping the child happy and doesn't really create the structure for skill building or emotional growth. And then the third one, which sounds like the first, but it isn't, is authoritative. So not authoritarian, but authoritative. So that one is warm, but with high structure. So being emotionally responsive, but also cultivating developmentally appropriate expectations. So her work showed that it's the third type, the authoritative approach that actually supported the healthiest development. And then later other researchers added a fourth approach called neglectful parenting, which is kind of self-explanatory. So that has low warmth and low structure, and that was linked to mental health concerns, depression, high stress, and low self-esteem. Now since then, other authors and other experts in their field have described other approaches which have become popular. So I'm talking about the ones that you've probably heard of, Gentle Parenting. Which is based on empathy and respect and understanding and boundaries. And then there's conscious parenting by Dr. Shefali which emphasizes parent self-awareness and breaking generational cycles. And she talks about the need for less control and more acceptance of your child as a unique being independent of you. And then this summer there was a lot of talk in the media about FAFO or F around and find out parenting and even, articles and news reports suggesting that it is in direct opposition with gentle parenting. Now, if you're not familiar, FAFO parenting is basically letting children experience the natural consequences of their actions with minimal parental intervention. So a simple classic example of this is if your child repeatedly refuses to wear a coat outside in the middle of winter, and finally you say, alright, have it your way, let's go out without your coat. And then if they're cold, then maybe they'll think twice next time. So essentially stepping back and not micromanaging every outcome. Now, in some ways, that can be useful because. Our kids do need to learn to be able to make some decisions by themselves and see what the consequences are of those decisions. And sometimes as a parent, it becomes a matter of survival if you're so maxed out from micromanaging and considering every eventuality, but obviously as a default approach, it might not be as effective if there's shame attached to it or mocking, or if it's clearly involving real danger. And of course there are other parenting approaches that have been described by other experts and other authors. But it's a pretty exhaustive list. So I'm not going to name them all but I think you get the point. So whilst these popular parenting approaches have some really insightful concepts associated with them, there is more nuance needed to actually help us figure out how we want to raise our kids. There are deeper layers that. Once we understand them, will actually make a difference to the quality of your relationship and the wellbeing of you and your child. So I'm gonna tell you where I think we need more nuance. Firstly, it's about an understanding of the brain body connection. So when we talk about parenting styles, it's usually related to how do we get a child to do what we want or what we need them to do, and how do we handle behaviors, but. What's sometimes missing is the understanding that behavior is often not a choice of the child, but actually a reflection of their unique nervous system, their neurobiology, their brain, when they're tired and hungry and overwhelmed and dysregulated. We might see it in their unique responses or facial expressions or reactions or body language or their lack of expression. And those things cannot necessarily be reversed with a script or a reward or a threat of punishment or consequence. As the psychologist, Dr. Mona Delahooke says in her book, Brain Body Parenting, which is a brilliant book,"Our best parenting decisions aren't focused simply on our child's behaviors or thoughts, but rather on our child's body and the unique way each child continually processes, interprets and experiences the world" There isn't a one size fits all approach to raising a child, and she also says that"Once we have some insight into how a child is absorbing the interactions and circumstances they experience, we can begin to answer more personalized and more effective answers to common parenting questions". I love this. I will put the book title in the show notes. Secondly, most discussions about parenting styles don't offer additional nuance about the developmental stage that your child is at and what is actually realistic for them. Our kids are not mini adults, so our expectations of them need to be guided by their developmental stage. We really need to meet them where they are at. And of course if your child happens to be neurodivergent, then trying to fit in with a certain parenting style could feel anything from irrelevant to really stressful. Now, obviously when I mention neurodiversity, there isn't one way that a neurodivergent person presents, so we can't generalize here at all. That would be way too simplistic and unrealistic. But to give you an example of how it might differ, there may be circumstances such as with a child with A DHD, who for their particular brain needs different interactions, different levels of structure, and even a different intensity of warmth at different times, depending on the context. For example, some kids with a DHD, they don't need you to sit down and talk about their feelings too much. They might need you to talk less and be more structured and clear to help them function. And an autistic child might respond to less structure and more warmth, and then in other ways a highly sensitive child may need something different too at different times. I can't describe every situation here, but hopefully you get the point that the child in front of you has a unique brain, and if you have more than one child, you may have already realized how different they are and therefore have responded differently already, and that's because you've already attuned to them, which is ultimately what we are going for here. Thirdly, when we become parents, we bring our own experiences to this new role, our upbringing, our communication styles, our ways of dealing with conflict, expectations, patterns of our emotional regulation and our temperament. That all strongly influences the dynamics in the home. Sometimes we repeat patterns and sometimes, especially if we're aware of it, we actively try not to repeat some patterns. So our history is woven into our family in some way or another. And then we have to think about culture and context in which we are raising our kids. So the research that I mentioned earlier carried out by Diana Baumrind, that was carried out in the us. So one thing to remember is that research reflected American family life at that particular time. And so if we think about it from a cross-cultural point of view what might seem like authoritative parenting in one culture could seem permissive in another. And I know in my own friend circle, for instance, in the last 10 years, which is comprised of many different cultural backgrounds, everyone has a slightly different mindset, different expectations and different ways of responding to their children. And so much of that is grounded in their own cultural context. And lastly, when there is an emphasis on using external scripts or guidelines. Whilst it might feel helpful, maybe even comforting to have something to go off of, we might actually miss the opportunity to look inward at ourselves and the values that drive everything we do in life. Sometimes. I know that hearing the way someone might say something can give us a bit of an idea or a headstart on how to respond. And that's fine, but we don't need to rely on scripts because they won't account for all of the other factors that bring you to this place that you are at with your child at the time. So labels describing a parenting style, they can offer us, like I said, a useful insight into how we respond to our kids or how we wanna show up, but they don't fully capture the complexity of real life parenting, particularly in globally mobile families and neurodivergent families. I want to bring this all together to offer you a different lens through which you can consider your own way of parenting. So instead of squeezing you and your kids into a particular style, and instead of relying on rules, I'm going to suggest an easy framework that will make this much easier. Now I like to think of it as a compass, and also there's four words to remember and they all begin with C. So I want you to ask yourself these questions: firstly What does your child in front of you right now need? This child, in this moment, with a unique temperament and development and nervous system? So that's the first thing to consider and ask yourself, especially when you're thinking about behaviors that you're seeing. Second question, the caregiver. That's you. What are you bringing to this moment from your own history? Your own stress levels, your own regulation, because as you already know, this really influences how you show up for your kids. And not just that, but also how you feel about your relationship and even your enjoyment of parenting. Third question. It's around the context. What are your circumstances at the moment? That could be the country that you're living in. Are you as a family going through a big transition right now? How is your culture influencing your circumstances? Or are there certain pressures that you are facing that is also influencing your life? And fourth, this is the last one. Your core values. What matters most to you as a family in this moment? Is it safety? Is it respect? Is it connection? It could be a whole list of things. Our values drive everything we do, and actually being aware of your values as an individual and as a family is what is going to help you cut through that noise and guide you back to what's important. So these four Cs, child, caregiver, context, core values, they act kind of like a compass. There's no script. There's no rules of you must do this or you must do that. But they can help you find your bearings so that you can can parent with some flexibility wherever you are in the world. Now, of course, it's one thing to hear this neat little framework and say, oh yeah, yeah, that makes sense. But it's another to actually then pause and reflect and then figure out some of the answers to these questions. And although the framework is easy to grasp, it actually might take a bit longer for you to to implement. And that's where parent coaching can be powerful because it gives you the space to reflect on these questions and make sense of them in the reality of your own particular family. It's really about understanding yourself and your child and your family more deeply so that you can parent with more confidence and more clarity about what you are doing and why you're doing it. So instead of worrying about deciding what style you fit into or even justifying to others your way of parenting, try using this compass. Consider the child in front of you. What you as the caregiver bring to the dynamic, the context that you're currently in and your core values. And hopefully this will give you some direction as you continue your parenting journey. And if this has got you thinking and you'd like some support reflecting on your own parenting compass, I do offer one-to-one coaching sessions, which is a space for you to explore your child, yourself, and your family context, with some guidance., You'll find the link to connect with me in the show notes. So thank you so much for listening. See you next time.