When Things Calm Down...I'll Take Care of Myself

Thriving in Chaos: Micro Habits for Parents and Caregivers

In this episode of the Globally Thriving Families Podcast, host Clare O'Byrne, a  parent coach and occupational therapist, explores the concept of thriving amidst the chaos of daily life, especially for parents and caregivers raising children internationally. She delves into the dynamic nature of thriving, emphasizing that it's not about perfection but about feeling alive and learning. Clare discusses the importance of understanding the brain-body connection, particularly through the lens of our eight senses, including proprioception, vestibular, and interoception. She offers practical micro habits to help individuals feel more grounded and connected, despite the hectic nature of life. This episode is a guide to building resilience and nurturing oneself through small, manageable actions.

00:00 Introduction to Globally Thriving Families
01:02 The Myth of Perfect Timing for Thriving
02:14 Defining Thriving and Its Challenges
10:59 Understanding the Brain-Body Connection
18:15 Practical Tips for Sensory Regulation
24:21 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

References mentioned in the episode: 

A Socially Embedded Model of Thriving at Work. Gretchen Spreitzer et al, Oct 2005, Organization Science, Vol 16. 

Connect with Clare: clare@globallythriving.com

Get the Free 5 Minute Parenting Reset for Busy Globally Mobile Families: Website: https://www.globallythriving.com

Connect with Clare on Instagram: http://instagram.com/globally_thriving

Book a free 20 minute call with Clare: https://tidycal.com/globallythriving/20-minute-meeting

Transcript

0:04

Are you a parent or caregiver raising your child internationally? Are you curious about how to nurture your child's development? But find all the parenting information out there confusing? If so, you are in the right place. Welcome to the Globally Thriving Families Podcast. I'm your host, Clare O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist with a passion for supporting children and their families for more than 25 years. Whether it's understanding how to build resilience to practical tips for language development, screen time challenges, and staying calm amongst the chaos, Globally Thriving Families is here to help. Join me as we explore the topics that give you the insights and guidance you need to support your children to thrive. No matter where your family's adventures take you. Hello and welcome to another episode of Globally Thriving Families. It's so easy to get caught up in the rhythm of everyday life. You know, the schedule, work,. whatever family obligations, the to-do list, kids activities, life admin, maybe travel, maybe visitors, and if you're globally mobile, maybe there are transitions too. They could be big ones, there could be small ones, but there's always something. Do you ever find yourself just trying to get through that particular season and telling yourself?"When things calm down, I'm gonna look after myself, or I'm gonna do more things that are good for me, or more things that I want to do just for me." You know, we have this idea that thriving can only happen at the right time when everything else is in place. Many parents and, and even just adults who aren't parents have told me something along these lines frequently. So you're not the only one who puts their own wellbeing on the back burner. So I want to talk about thriving today. What does it mean to thrive? And what is getting in the way of it? And how can we find small, realistic ways to feel a bit more grounded whilst the chaos goes on around us? So whether you're navigating a big transition or you're just dealing with the usual day to day, keep listening. This is a conversation about building micro habits to help you thrive even if things are crashing down around you. Firstly, let's figure out what thriving actually means. Now, I'm really drawn to this word, obviously,'cause it's in the title of this podcast and my business name. And in the dictionary it's defined as meaning, growing, developing, or being successful. When I talk about thriving, I don't mean living a perfect life where everything is going well. It doesn't mean happy all the time, or calm all the time. It doesn't mean never getting irritated with anyone. It doesn't mean never yelling as a parent, it doesn't mean that everything in your life is going well. You know, there are probably some things that right now you could say, yeah, in a couple of areas in life I'm thriving, and then in others, oh my God, I'm definitely not. That's the dynamic nature of life. Whilst I was reading around this topic, I was looking at the literature. For how researchers defined or measured, thriving. In what I was looking at, things like parental satisfaction, quality of parent, child relationships, emotional wellbeing, resilience, positive psychological adjustment, they were all factors that were mentioned, as related to the concept of thriving. And someone who's done research focusing on thriving in the workplace is Gretchen Spreitzer She's from the Ross School of Business at the University of Michigan in the us and she, and other the co-authors, describe thriving in the context of the workplace as"the psychological state of both a sense of vitality and a sense of learning... which communicates, a sense of progress or forward momentum in one's own self-development". I like that combination of vitality and learning, whether you're applying it to work or family or just everyday life. You know, the idea of vitality, it's about feeling alive and learning is about making progress. And when we learn from something, we grow and we develop. So that really resonated with me too. And I wondered that when our lives get busy or stressful, are those the things that slip away a little bit, that feeling alive and the growing and the developing? You know, I know that we probably all want to feel that sense of vitality and forward momentum, but there are things that seem to get in the way of that, isn't there? Simply just juggling too much. Firstly, you know, having packed calendars with commitments, with school, with work, with family commitments, with trying to fit in fun things and social stuff on top of the things that, that we need to get done. You know, sometimes we can be on autopilot, a bit like the hamster on the wheel. We're going through the motions, of what's on the calendar. We might not actually be doing any of those things that really light us up that we're getting excited about. And then there's this sort of pressure to be calm or stay calm. And we often hear in the parenting world that staying calm is really important for our kids' wellbeing. And that's what a good parent does, apparently. You know, don't join your kids'. Chaos. Don't get dysregulated when our kids are dysregulated. And I think sometimes that lands as actually just pressure. You know, we might feel that we have to pretend to be calm and unbothered about what our kids say and do, because that's how we help them and that's what we're being told is the right thing to do. And the thing is though, that's kind of just turning us all into actors. you know, we might be pretending, but we're definitely not at that point tuning into why something has triggered us or has Bothered us so much, or you might notice how you feel, but you're judging yourself for it. And then you start feeling like you're a bad parent and then you're going down a different slippery slope there. And sometimes we just feel like we can't fit the things in that we want to do because we don't maybe have enough support around us. And for sure, if you're globally mobile, then maybe you are far away from extended family who may have previously been able to support you with childcare or just any kind of support. You know, when we don't have our usual village around us, we might practically be juggling more. Even the time zones. Um, they can be a challenge too, just connecting with close family or our close friends and the people that really get us and that we're familiar with and that we already have close bonds with. You know, if we can't connect with them that easily, then that can make us feel a bit more isolated and maybe lonely, and that gets in the way of us thriving too. There might also be some cultural variances in how much we feel we can do for ourselves, or there may be other expectations that get in the way of making certain choices for ourselves. And then also guilt can creep into our lives, you know? Do you ever find that when you do choose to do something for yourself, whatever it is that you feel you need to justify it or overexplain to someone why it needs to happen? Do you feel guilty because you think you should be, grateful for what you do have? You know, almost as though you're complaining. You know, guilt's a funny thing and it's hard to thrive when we feel guilty about something. If we are busy feeling guilty, it's hard to tune in and really connect with ourselves to figure out what we need. And if you are a parent, it often happens at different seasons in our parenting life, if not generally as a default, that we tend to sacrifice our own needs to take care of others. You know, how many times have you said or heard someone else say, well, as long as the kids are happy, as long as the kids are settled, as long as the kids are okay, et cetera, et cetera. I mean, it's a phrase I often hear, and I know I've said it too in the past. So here's what I also think thriving is just to expand on what Gretchen Spritzer talks about. Thriving isn't an end goal. It's an ongoing journey. You can't really tick it off a list because it's an ever changing dynamic. You know, thriving isn't about perfection. It's not about getting everything right and everything going well in our lives. It's about having enough mental, emotional, and physical energy to respond instead of react to the people around us. It's about the science of nervous system regulation. It's about connection with ourselves and our values. It's about flexibility and resilience to cope with the challenges of everyday life and to be able to respond with some flexibility without it completely derailing us. And importantly, it starts with noticing. When we postpone taking care of ourselves. We miss out on micro moments that could really contribute so much to our wellbeing. We don't actually have to wait for a right time, I wonder if sometimes when people do put it off or talk about later, later, later, do you feel the pressure like, oh, that's just one more thing I've gotta put on my to-do list is take care of myself. Even now listening to this, do you feel stressed because maybe you're not thriving the way you want to be, and you feel now that you have to add something else to your routine and to your already full life? The good news is, is that we don't actually need to overhaul our lives to start on the road to thriving. The thing is thriving is something that we can nurture in. In tiny moments. We can build on them, we can create new habits, and it is definitely not all or nothing. So in order to figure out how to thrive as a parent, we need to first have an awareness of the brain body connection. Now our nervous system, it really runs the show. You know, our brain and our body communicates through the nervous system, and it's guided by our eight senses. Yes, you heard me right? We have eight senses, not five. So, you know, we have sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. And then we have three really powerful, more hidden senses, I suppose they're called proprioception. The vestibular sense and interoception. I'll explain them in a minute, but our eight senses, they're sending out information that helps the brain know. If we feel safe, if we feel alert, if we feel overloaded, and when our body feels safe, we are more likely to be able to think clearly, to connect with others, to be resilient to changes or challenges. When it's overloaded, we sometimes shift into more of a fight or a flight or a freeze response. You know, for an example, thinking about like the midweek craziness, you know, when you've been working or you've been running around and you're taking kids to activities, you get home, maybe it's late dinner still needs to be made, and other things need to be done. You're tired. Maybe you're overstimulated from all the other things that have happened in the day and, and then your kids start fighting and the noise levels get higher in the house. And then all it takes is for one person maybe to ask you a question or they might say they need something for the next day that you don't have, and that's it. You snap. And you're thinking, oh my God, I can't handle this noise, this overwhelm, these expectations, and you're getting a bit dysregulated because there's too much stimulation and you might end up yelling at someone or just saying, I'm done. I'm done. I can't do this. It could also be the opposite, where you're feeling really sluggish and very low energy and not able to interact with your family the way you want to be. It's not always about that high, high energy and activated state. So thriving isn't just about feeling calm or preventing yourself from getting dysregulated. It's about your energy m atching whatever the situation is or needs to be. You know, we have a range of states that we can be in, we can of course be calm, we can be joyful, we can be focused, we can be energized, we can be content, we can be curious. We can be angry. I mean, there's lots of different things we can be in the moment. So part of thriving is about being able to move through those states as needed in our lives, and being able to be flexible in doing that, depending on what situations arise. Sometimes we move through several of those in one day, and when we are more activated, you know, our body and brain are maybe preparing for action. So that could be when you get irritated, when you get stressed, when you get angry or on edge, they're not necessarily bad states. It's simply your nervous system communicating that maybe you need a rest or a pause or some help with something, you know, and those lower energy and or maybe disconnected connected states. Can be feeling lethargic, feeling tired and flat and withdrawn, or maybe even numb. And again, these aren't bad either, but your nervous system is telling you that you need something else. Maybe it's safety, maybe it's some sensory input to support you. Whatever state you are in, tuning into your body is the first step to noticing what your body needs and then being able to take a micro action towards that. That's actually what self-regulation is. So just back to the sensory system, quickly, I told you about those five senses and then there's the other three, and let me just explain this. So part of understanding our brain body connection is recognizing how our sensory system. Feeds into that really and informs that. And like I said, we all have different builtin ways that the body helps us regulate, and it's very unique to each person. So those other three senses, there's proprioception, that's our sense of body position in space, and that's what helps us feel grounded through movement or through deep pressure. Whether we are lifting heavy or we're doing yoga, or we are getting a big squeezy tight hug from somebody. And then there's vestibular input that's from our inner ear, and that helps us find balance, basically. And it can either be kind of calming or alerting or energizing us, depending on the way that we move and the type of vestibular input that we get. And then there's interoception. You may not have heard that term before, and but it's a really Important term because it's the awareness of our internal body signals. So what's happening inside? So it lets us notice hunger and thirst changes in our heart rate or muscular tension, uh, or even the need to go to the bathroom so that we. Can respond to those signals instead of just kind of pushing through. Um, I know sometimes, if we're so busy we forget to eat or drink or we forget to go to the bathroom. So tuning into these type of bodily cues, you know, we're not just managing stress, but we're actually reconnecting with our bodies and creating those conditions where. We even have a chance to thrive. And so once we start noticing what's actually happening in our body, you know, whether it's some tension, whether it's feeling fidgety or frazzled or feeling disconnected, we can begin to build in really small micro habits that help us reset when we need to. It doesn't have to be a big routine or a perfect ritual. It doesn't have to be Instagramable, just tiny repeatable actions that tells our nervous system, you know, we are safe. You're safe, you can rest and you can be alive again. It does impact our children's nervous system too, because it mirrors the energy that we are bringing to them. It's mirror neurons and it is the brain's ability to almost catch what someone else is doing, kind of in the same way that when someone yawns, then you might yawn too. So what works for you might be something totally different to what works for somebody else. So I'm gonna give you a few suggestions now, but they're not suggestions that you have to do, or that if they don't work for you, then there's something wrong. They're just starting points for things that you can explore. So firstly with proprioception, basically anything that gives the body deep pressure or resistance can be regulating and that helps remind your, your brain, that you're safe, you're supported. That could be as simple as just lying on the floor and just being supported by the ground. Lying quietly. It could be stretching your arms up over your head when you're sitting at the desk. It could be carrying groceries, it could be, like I mentioned before, have giving somebody a tight squeezy hug. It could be getting a massage. It could be lifting weights. You know, these heavy work moments. So thinking about the vestibular sense, you know, often movement really helps shift our energy and our mood and sometimes that's something like needing some gentle rhythmic movement to calm. Maybe it's a slow walk. Maybe it's a. Swaying to some calm music or rocking in a chair or on a swing. And other times we need more alerting movement. Maybe it's a brisker walk or running. Maybe it's dancing, maybe it's stretching. And then with interoception. It's about paying attention to what your body's telling you. And so like I mentioned, really tuning into those cues of thirst and hunger and the urge to breathe deeply, or the sense that you just need to be quiet. You know, when we respond to those signals, we're tuning into ourselves and we're trusting ourselves. We're trusting our body and what it's telling us. When so often we, learn to ignore those signals or we learn to push through them We are helping to reconnect with our bodies and we are creating these conditions where thriving is even a possibility. So once we understand that thriving is about energy, it's about connection, and it's about the nervous systems, sense of safety, you know, really the next step is to figuring out what is gonna help you as an individual, build that sense of safety in small everyday ways. And these are those micro habits that help our body feel alive again. So, this is a really unique personal thing because what works from one person is maybe not gonna work for another because of our unique sensory system, because of our preferences, because of our thresholds for tolerating certain things, you know. Some people cannot stand to have someone next to them eating an apple for hearing that, uh, noise of the chewing. You know, some people can't stand the lights on at night in the lounge. That bright artificial light is really. Dysregulating to some people and sometimes the noise and the busyness and the chaos of a mall is just too much. For some people it's the clothing tags or it's certain type of clothing. Everybody is just different, right? And we can apply that information to our kids too. Um, but. In the same way that we think about our kids and their sensory preferences, we too, for sure have our own set of preferences and thresholds and tolerance. Um, so the micro habits need to be built around you. The first step is really understanding that. And then other micro moments could be reaching out to a friend, it could be joining your child in play, listening to some music that lifts you up, sitting out in the sun in the morning when you're having a cup of tea. Taking a walk out in nature or just sitting in nature listening to the birds. It could be thinking about some sensory comforts that you like. You know, you having a soft blanket or a weighted blanket, having a warm drink, making the lighting in your home very cozy in the evening so the bright lights don't bother you. It could be putting fluffy socks on. It could be, you know, a familiar scent wafting through your house. This is why it's so valuable to understand your own sensory system because that is what is driving so much of what is happening within your body and your day to day and how you cope with things and what you tolerate and and what you enjoy. So we don't need to think that thriving is about perfection. It's not about having everything balanced. It's not about being calm all the time and everything in your life going well, so that then you can focus on yourself. It's really about tuning into your body, to your senses, to your needs, and just choosing those moments and the micro habits that can help you start to feel more like yourself again. The more that we are able to do that, the more that we choose to do those, the more our children actually see in action that regulation and thriving isn't about perfection either, and that it's about awareness and reconnecting and advocating for yourself and just naming things. thriving isn't something that can only happen when life calms down. It's something that we can really nurture right in the middle of everyday chaos by having more understanding of our brain body connection and giving ourselves what we need to feel a bit more steady, a bit more alive, and more connected. If you wanna learn more about understanding your own unique sensory system to be able to create the micro habits to thrive, then reach out to me because I help adults, whether they're parents or not, do this kind of work We talk about nervous system regulation. You probably heard that term a lot, but it's not always in the level of detail of the sensory regulation and really giving our sensory system what it needs, and that is sometimes missing, but it is such a vital part of this whole picture. So the fact that you've listened to this and now you know these terms, proprioception, vestibular, and interoception, now you have the beginnings of this new insight that you can build on to create your own micro habits that are going to work for you, basically. I hope that this is giving you some things to think about in your own life in terms of how you can choose yourself, tune into yourself and find ways for you to begin thriving or continue thriving. Thanks so much for listening.