Why Is It So Hard To Keep Your Cool With Your Kids?

How your body, your past and your current reality collide in tough parenting moments.

In this episode of the Globally Thriving Families Podcast, host Clare O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist, delves into the challenges of 'staying calm' as a parent, particularly in high-stress moments triggered by a child's big emotions. Clare explains the neurobiological factors at play, including the activation of the amygdala, stress hormones, and mirror neurons, which make staying calm difficult despite knowing effective strategies. She also explores how past childhood experiences and the unique stressors of parenting in an international context can affect emotional regulation. Clare emphasizes the importance of awareness, self-compassion, and co-regulation—being present and connected with your child, rather than solely focusing on staying calm—as crucial steps in managing these challenging situations. This episode offers valuable insights and practical advice for parents seeking to support their children's emotional well-being and navigate their own reactions.

00:00 Introduction to Globally Thriving Families
01:02 Understanding Parental Stress and Child Emotions
02:54 The Neurobiology of Stress Responses
06:02 Impact of Past Experiences on Parenting
08:58 Challenges of International Parenting
15:21 The Importance of Co-Regulation
18:49 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Connect with Clare: clare@globallythriving.com

Get the Free 5 Minute Parenting Reset for Busy Globally Mobile Families: Website: https://www.globallythriving.com

Connect with Clare on Instagram: http://instagram.com/globally_thriving

Book a free 20 minute call with Clare: https://tidycal.com/globallythriving/20-minute-meeting

Transcript

0:04

Are you a parent or caregiver raising your child internationally? Are you curious about how to nurture your child's development? But find all the parenting information out there confusing? If so, you are in the right place. Welcome to the Globally Thriving Families Podcast. I'm your host, Clare O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist with a passion for supporting children and their families for more than 25 years. Whether it's understanding how to build resilience to practical tips for language development, screen time challenges, and staying calm amongst the chaos, Globally Thriving Families is here to help. Join me as we explore the topics that give you the insights and guidance you need to support your children to thrive. No matter where your family's adventures take you. Have you ever been in this situation where your child, whatever age they are, they could be two or 22, and they're having some really big feelings. They're crying. Maybe they're yelling or screaming. They're refusing to do something, and you start to feel like you are moments away from a meltdown or an outburst yourself. You can feel it in your body. Your heart might be beating faster. Your shoulders or your chest tightens, maybe your throat starts to constrict a little bit, or you get a sinking feeling in your stomach and you feel the urge as well to shout, yell, or actually just get out of there and run away. And the frustrating part about it is you've probably read the books, you've listened to the podcast, you know the information. You might know a bit about the science, and you start thinking, I should be handling this better. I should have kept my cool. Why can't I just do this? Because you've heard that for your kids to be calm, you also need to be calm. So why is it so hard, even if you intellectually know what to do, but remembering it at the time, is impossible. If any of this sounds familiar, keep listening because this episode is exactly for you. As I'm gonna be talking about what is happening in your body and brain during those moments and why it feels so impossible to do what we think we should be doing, and how can we help ourselves in these moments without feeling like a crappy parent. Because what you'll realize if you don't know already is that this is not something you are just personally failing at. If you are having a hard time feeling calm, staying calm, keeping it together, when your child isn't. It's for some really valid reasons. So let's get into it. Firstly, we have to talk about the neurobiology. So when our children's emotions explode, our nervous system immediately detects threat. It's detecting it even before the, you know, what hits the fan. Now our brains are wired for this because it's all about surviving and keeping us safe. Our amygdala is activated even before we have a chance to pause and say to ourselves, it's okay, I'm safe. Nothing bad is happening. And our stress hormones also kick in to prepare us for action. And in doing so, the reasoning part of our brain has gone offline at this point. So thinking clearly and remembering, oh, this is what I'm supposed to do right now, it's actually really difficult. And something that is interesting is our body doesn't just react once the drama starts. It can actually sense it coming. So long before your child cries, yells, or refuses to do something, your body is already picking up on the subtle cues, and it could be a change in their tone of voice, or you notice their facial expression is a little different or that sort of tense look in their face, their breathing might change. You can tell in the way they're moving. And also these mirror neurons, which I've talked about in previous episodes. You know, our brains, they synchronize with others. And so if someone in the house is really unhappy, really stressed or dysregulated, then it's hard not to let that impact us. You start to actually feel it yourself. And because we know our kids so well, our brain starts predicting, oh no, here it comes. And. If you've been in a similar situation before, then you have history with this. It could be a regular occurrence, and that prediction, that tiny moment of dread or bracing yourself actually triggers our stress response before anything has even happened. You know, it's your body saying like, I know this pattern. I need to get ready. So that's when your heart rate rises slightly, your muscles tighten It's amazing how tuned in our bodies can be, but it's also exhausting because we could be living in this constant state of readiness or being on high alert. And then also the sensory overload of the noise and the visual clutter, maybe feeling touched out by the end of the day. All of that adds to that overwhelm because it almost gets amplified when you are already at full capacity. So you can see that your brain, your nervous system is working to really try and protect you with these things. You know, your amygdala, your mirror neurons, your stress hormones, and your sensory regulation. Being able to sense something is coming in a way can be a good thing because it can help you prepare or to take a minute, but you need to be able to tune in and recognize that. Now it's not only what's happening in the moment. If we feel overwhelmed with our child, big expression of feelings, then we also need to reflect on what the deeper meaning behind that is too. Now the way we perceive or understand our kids' emotions or our partner's emotions or behavior is strongly influenced by our past experiences in childhood. Even if you grew up in what you would describe as a happy home or a loving home, there will still be patterns of communication or behavior or beliefs that give you clues about how you now interact with family members. Now, this is a really deep topic and we can talk about it for a long time. So we're not going to just analyze our childhoods right now in this episode, but it's important to mention because it explains so much of how we express ourselves. So I want you to think about these situations. How were big feelings handled in your home? Were you allowed to express a range of emotions? Were they minimized or swept under the carpet? If they were so-called negative emotions? Were you told to stop crying as a default response to sadness Were you comforted when you were sad or struggling with something? The reflection is really about gaining awareness and some clarity on why you do things, and some understanding it's not necessarily about, blame as such. If you weren't allowed to express those kind of feelings at home, or if they were met with criticism or anger or dismissed, then that could be a reason why you also struggle to. Experience that in someone else in your home. And when you have the awareness, that is the first step to being able to. Then integrate that understanding and insight into how you move forward. And how amazing is it for our generation to be able to tune into this so that we can, uh, forgive ourselves maybe for, for the things that we do as a parent and what we bring to our family, but also to help us. Learn how we can care for our kids. You know, we really are changing some generational patterns, and if you did grow up in an environment that wasn't safe or where your wellbeing wasn't a priority or include a trauma of any kind, then you deserve to heal from that, and I hope that you can get support for that if you haven't already. Our nervous systems carry those early imprints for a long time and sometimes they need some extra support to to heal. So talking with a therapist or a counselor who is trauma informed specifically can help you process what your body might be holding so that you can move forward. And now thinking about, uh, for the international families, the globally mobile families, I think it's important to name how much that context of living internationally can also affect our nervous system, too. The frequent changes, maybe the new schools, new homes, new jobs, new languages means that our brains and our bodies are always kind of adapting in some way. We're, we're trying to find safety in unfamiliar environments over and over again, and that takes energy. Even if we love this lifestyle, even if we love living internationally and we love the newness of it, that sense of ongoing adjustment can leave our nervous system just being a little bit closer to the edge. And we know that with kids that can look like more meltdowns or clinginess or sensitivity around new things. But for us as parents, it looks like having less capacity sometimes. So that's the time when you might notice that you're snapping quicker or you're really struggling to stay grounded when other people are losing it. And we are not doing something wrong here. It's because our baseline, stress load is already higher. So we are close to that edge of getting dysregulated ourselves. So every move, every change, every period of uncertainty asks our nervous system to kind of start over. And that just adds to the mental load. So if you are that person and you're noticing that regulation feels harder during those kind of transitions, um, or that everybody in the family and you are more reactive, then you're not imagining it like you're living a kind of a lifestyle that is asking you to be really flexible emotionally and to have a lot on your plate at one time. So it makes sense that your body might need that some extra grounding and structure and actually compassion during those times. Particularly. If your child is neurodivergent too, then you might be dealing with big feelings and dysregulation more frequently. You know, and obviously as I've said before, every neurodivergent person has their own unique characteristics and challenges, and so we can't overgeneralize. But whether it's children or adults, emotional regulation is a huge aspect of that that is impacted. And so if you're having to manage that frequently. And then of course your nervous system is going to be stretched and even more so you are probably tuned in and on high alert for it. And if you yourself are neurodivergent, then your own capacity for that stress and your own sensory threshold and, and your executive function, and maybe your social battery too, can make it actually really challenging to ground yourself when someone else is clearly not calm. The hard part about trying to stay calm and not quite being able to is it becomes another thing that we feel that we are failing at. You know? Can you relate to those times when you really tried but something made you snap? And then all of a sudden you find yourself yelling or saying something that you wish you hadn't, and then immediately you feel some kind of regret about it or you're like, oh my God, I shouldn't have done that. To be honest, you know, even for myself, there's been many times where. Um, I find the mornings quite stressful, particularly Monday mornings, uh, with one of my kids and I've dropped them off at school and, you know, I've, I've cried in my car afterwards because, you know, I tried to do all of the right things and say the right things and, and be zen, but, um, but I just couldn't, you know, and, and for me. You know, I'm a coach and I'm a therapist and I teach this information and I work with other parents about it. And that's an added pressure as well. Um,, I should be good at this. Um, but I'm human too, so it doesn't always work out for me. One of my kids actually said to me one time when we were in a bit of a tense moment. How can you be a parent coach? Ouch. Yeah, and I share that because it's helpful, I think, to know that nobody has everything together all the time. And even when we know the information, even if we understand what is happening in our bodies, that's actually the first step. We are still going to struggle at times. When we often hear about staying calm as though it's this gold standard of parenting. And of course, um, there are definitely times when the ability to be calm or remain calm or calm, is so beneficial for us, absolutely. But it isn't always the be all and the end all. Um, and calm isn't always realistic and it's actually not always the goal. You know what our kids really need? Um, well, what any, any family friends need is somebody who's connected, not necessarily someone who's always calm as such, but someone who can stay with them even when they're in the mess of the moment. So when we make just being calm, the goal that might make us just. More tense and we're feeling the pressure to be something we might feel the need to be fake and just act something out. That's actually why I don't love scripts. It's not because the words themselves are wrong. They could be spot on, but helping somebody when they're struggling with their feelings is what we call co-regulation. And part of co-regulation is just staying with the person and being connected and being with them. Even if you're not saying a single word, it's this power of just being there and being present. So being connected is actually. More valuable than being calm in that moment. And of course, you know, it's something that we have to practice at. It's something that every single time we get an opportunity, we are adding to our skills in that area and we can learn from how something's gone. But if someone who studies this and teaches this is crying in their car on a Monday morning sometimes, then you know that it's not something that comes easily. So I hope that by listening to this, you have realized that. It's not as simple as you just need to stay calm, because what's happening behind the scenes is our neurobiology, is our past experiences and also the context in which we are parenting in the first place. So what our brain and body is doing, what our. Childhood was like, and what beliefs and what patterns we're bringing to the parenting situation and what we believe about these emotions. And then what is that unique context within which we're parenting. If your child's neurodivergent. If you are neurodivergent, that's another layer of something that is testing everybody's emotional regulation skills. So the good news is our nervous systems, they're not just wired for being reactive and keeping us safe and detecting threats, but they're also wired for connection. And that's really what co-regulation is. It's our bodies helping each other to find that sense of safety again, so you don't have to be perfectly calm to co-regulate. You actually just need to be present to be with your child or your partner in a way that just says, you know, I see you and I can handle you in this messy perfection. And that's part of the repair. If you have had a really difficult interaction with your kids and blown up at them or whatever, so whether you're managing their emotions or managing both of your emotions, then the co-regulation is part of the repair and coming back to being connected and acknowledging that it is hard for both of you. That's how your nervous system actually learns that you can handle big feelings and that your kids can handle their big feelings too, because you're capable of rebuilding and repair and coming back to a sense of safety and connection. And if you wanna call that calm, you can, but it doesn't have to be exactly calm and you don't have to put that pressure on yourself. Thanks so much for listening. See you next time. If anything in this episode sparked something for you, I'd love to hear about it. You can find me on Instagram at globally_thriving, or you can reach out to me on my website. Globally thriving.com Also, if you are curious about parent coaching and if it might be right for you, you can book free 20 minute call via the link in the show notes, and we can have a no pressure conversation just to find out more about it. See you next time.