Not Every Sibling Conflict Is an Emergency

Navigating sibling conflict: when doing less is more. 

In this episode of the Globally Thriving Families Podcast, host Clare O'Byrne, addresses the common parenting challenge of sibling conflict. Clare provides insights into why sibling bickering is hard for parents to tolerate and how it impacts our emotional regulation. She offers practical strategies for managing sibling rivalry and conflict by distinguishing between different types of conflicts, emphasizing the importance of allowing children space to develop essential social skills. Clare also discusses how parents can stay calm and use grounding techniques to support their children's emotional development. The episode includes advice on how to co-regulate with children, the significance of post-conflict repair and reconnection, and offers resources for further support.

00:00 Introduction to Globally Thriving Families Podcast
01:03 The Reality of Sibling Relationships
02:16 Understanding the Root Causes of Sibling Conflicts
04:21 Defining Sibling Rivalry and Conflict
06:10 The Importance of Conflict in Child Development
08:20 Parental Strategies for Managing Sibling Conflicts
12:28 Repairing and Reconnecting After Conflicts
15:33 Conclusion and Further Support

Resources mentioned in the episode:

Guide to Sibling Dynamics: Rivalry, Conflict, Aggression or Abuse.

 https://www.unh.edu/saara/sites/default/files/media/2025-10/classification-of-sibling-dynamics-handout.pdf

Connect with Clare: clare@globallythriving.com

Get the Free 5 Minute Parenting Reset for Busy Globally Mobile Families: Website: https://www.globallythriving.com

Connect with Clare on Instagram: http://instagram.com/globally_thriving

Book a free 20 minute call with Clare: https://tidycal.com/globallythriving/20-minute-meeting

Transcript

0:05

Are you a parent or caregiver raising your child internationally? Are you curious about how to nurture your child's development? But find all the parenting information out there confusing? If so, you are in the right place. Welcome to the Globally Thriving Families Podcast. I'm your host, Clare O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist with a passion for supporting children and their families for more than 25 years. Whether it's understanding how to build resilience to practical tips for language development, screen time challenges, and staying calm amongst the chaos, Globally Thriving Families is here to help. Join me as we explore the topics that give you the insights and guidance you need to support your children to thrive. No matter where your family's adventures take you. Oh, siblings. We dream about our kids getting along, supporting each other, going to bat for each other if needed, and genuinely enjoying each other's company in the hopes that they'll be close right into adulthood. And so often the reality is the squabbles, the bickering, the jealousy, and the teasing, and maybe even ignoring. When I asked on social media, what was one parenting challenge you were experiencing right now? So many answered sibling issues, so let's talk about it today. What is your first instinct when you start to hear that noise that tells you it's a conflict? Generally speaking for me, I have intervened immediately to try and shut it down because I'm not a fan of conflict and I know that I've made the situation worse plenty of times. I've probably escalated it and then I get into the mix with a raised voice or dysregulation. If any of this sounds familiar, keep listening because I'm going to talk about why siblings bickering is so hard for us to tolerate, why it's happening in the first place, and how we can support or manage the situation more effectively. So before we even think about what the kids are doing, let's think about why it's so hard for us to tolerate it, and how that influences the conflict itself. So as I'm sure you can imagine, the noise, the yelling, the crying, the sensory overload of that. When that happens, our body and our brain is sensing that threat pretty quickly, and it can bring about that fight or flight response that I've talked about in previous episodes. And that's especially true if you, yourself grew up with, an unsafe environment or conflict that was regular and and maybe unresolved. Your body and your brain is trying to protect you. Many of us think that calm kids and happy kids equals good parenting. You know when people comment, oh, your kids are so chilled, they're so well behaved, blah, blah, blah, and when they fight, does it reflect on us and our ability to parent? Have we lost control? These are the things that we can start to think about, even if we're not talking about it, these things can be going on in our mind when we're already at capacity with everything else going on in our life. The siblings fighting is often the thing that tips us over the edge, and we start getting dysregulated too. Those mirror neurons have made us feel angry and dysregulated because it's contagious and there's this thing that we might be thinking as well. When we see our kids fight, we could be wondering. Is this what it's gonna be like as adults? Will they ever get along? Will they keep in touch when they're older? Have we failed as parents? You know, we start projecting into the future. And all of this makes it really hard to tolerate. So that's when we tend to micromanage, and it's not necessarily because we don't trust our kids to figure it out. We haven't probably even thought of them at that point. It's because our nervous system is trying to restore that order. So what's actually happening when the siblings fight? So it might help to define what we're talking about, because I've mentioned the word squabbles. I think that comes from a bluey episode. Bickering, rivalry and conflict. Are we actually talking about the same thing? I. I have a couple of definitions from the Sibling Aggression and Abuse Research and Advocacy Institute. Out of the University of New Hampshire in the us and they do research into sibling conflicts in the long term outcomes. So I'm going to include a resource in the show notes from the institute, which can help you determine. What type of conflict you are experiencing in your household, whether it's constructive and developmentally beneficial, or whether it's has escalated to aggression or abuse, which is such an important thing to be aware of. So please check out that information. So they describe sibling rivalry as the form of competition for parents favor and love, attention and even financial resources. And although siblings might not be mindful of each other's feelings, the rivalry doesn't harm or control. And then the sibling conflict, they describe as normal and expected. It can be very frequent, but most conflicts are mild and some amount of conflict is good for the social emotional development. And they go on to describe that during sibling conflicts, children can learn listening skills, cooperation, seeing another person's point of view and managing their emotions. They can also learn how to solve problems, consider future possibilities, and experience the consequences of their actions. So we can see from how they've defined and described it that this conflict. That mostly occurs is actually a chance for our kids to practice these all important skills, communication, negotiation, the empathy, and the emotional regulation. Kids aren't born knowing how to share or wait or compromise, and they can only learn those by experiencing the situations and trying and failing with those who are closest to them. So this friction between siblings really is that training ground for their social skills into adulthood. And of course, if your child is an only child, then this isn't the only way they develop those skills, as I'm sure you realize. They also get this kind of practice with peer interactions, whether it's through school or whether it's through community activities, and even cousins. If you are lucky enough to be living close to cousins. Now, remember kids, they're not mini adults, and what seems completely irrational to us could feel urgent and and warranted to our kids. I know I have at times in the past said to my kids because I was stressed with the bickering,"oh, this is such a pointless conversation you two are having," and that's not really the point. So yes, to me it's pointless, but to them, it's their way of figuring out what's important to them. It could be about their identity or ownership, or testing boundaries or seeing if they're still lovable, even at their worst. And so the conflict, it isn't the opposite of connection. It's really important for building the connection. And, you know, with international families, siblings can often become each other's main social anchor when everything else around them could be changing. So the more change that they face externally, the more maybe they'll test their safety internally. And change does unsettle us, even if it's not recent, the effects of change can still be felt in our body. So how can we as parents, support this valuable aspect of their development and not make it worse or, or shut it down completely. So I want you to think back to some situations you've faced recently. What are you telling yourself about why your kids fight or the way they fight? It's almost like their characters in a story is one of them. The troublemaker, the impatient one, or the people pleaser?. We might not want to admit it, but there may be times when we label our kids in a certain way and that will impact how we respond to them when they do get into conflict. When we are triggered by the conflict, our mind could tell us stories of, well, she started it or he can't help it, or She's too sensitive, and is there one child that you particularly over identify with? It might be so much easier to see that child's perspective over the other, especially if you can relate to them more or if you experienced that yourself as a child. So do you gravitate towards defending them? I have been in this situation, and actually it was a coach that helped me to see that, and once you see it, you can't unsee it. So let's assume that the conflict is mild, albeit annoying and uncomfortable. Instead of rushing to fix or stop the conflict, I want to invite you to approach it in a different way. Just a couple of things to try. Firstly, I want you to ground yourself first. So breathing in, taking another quick breath, and then breathing out really slowly. unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders. I want you to remind yourself, even whether it's out loud or silently, this is not an emergency. You can even sing it, that might help too. This is not an emergency. this isn't about ignoring the conflict. You can stay close without intervening and observing and listening to how the conflict plays out is going to tell you so much. I know it's hard to hang back, but we want to give our kids the opportunity to move through that process of how to be in conflict with each other. That is where they're going to develop the skills. So if we do intervene too quickly, we are taking away that opportunity for them. So this is why grounding yourself first and observing and listening without intervention is a good first step to try. Try not to take over immediately and start deciding who's right and who's wrong. Remember, it's not just about them practicing their emotional regulation. It's you practicing yours too. You don't have to do this perfectly. You know, later today you might try pausing and letting them figuring out. But you might only manage five seconds before your nervous system takes over. That's all right. Just keep trying next time. You might manage 10 seconds. You'll get better at this too, and only intervene if necessary. So that's why the hanging back and observing or listening is important. Obviously, if it's getting physical and someone is getting hurt or about to get hurt, um, if it's becoming verbally abusive and shaming, or if one person is consistently overpowering the other, then of course if it's escalated to that level, they're not in learning and practicing mode. Either so you can come in between them to separate them and clearly and calmly say, I won't let you hurt each other and try to say as little as possible, but get the separation and when everyone is activated and not calm, it's not going to be effective to try and sort out what the problem was at that point. So the focus then is on being able to co-regulate them, to bring them back to a more steady and calm state. And this is the thing that will make the difference. It's the repair afterwards. So once everyone has returned to a more calm and steady state, then you can try and talk about it in an age appropriate way of, well, what can we do to make this right? Listening to their side of the story. And I really believe in helping them connect their feelings and emotions with sensations in the body too. And you can model this with t elling them how it made you feel. So when you heard them, arguing, you started to have this feeling in your chest. And obviously, I'm just giving you an example. You, you can say something that's authentic to you. You know,. When I felt angry, I had this feeling in my chest and it's like this hot red fireball and it just rises and or something like that. So the more you can help your kids connect how they feel about something with how it feels in their body, the more aware they are becoming, which will help them with this emotional regulation. And honestly, if we can be doing that with our kids, we are raising a generation of kids. Who are going to have so much healthier regulation and coping skills and ways of managing conflict as adults. If you can coach them in figuring out what they could do differently next time, you know, you're helping them find their voice a little bit too. Maybe they don't know how to articulate,"I'm not finished with this, but you can have it when I'm done". If you can involve the kids as much as possible in the problem solving aspect of it, where it's coming up with a solution or an idea or a compromise, and give them a chance to have a voice in this. That's such a valuable part of the skill building too. So yes, if one of them says, let's do rock paper scissors, or let's have this timer, take on board their suggestions because that is going to do a lot for their sense of capability, that they can handle this. And like I said, the repair is the important part and the reconnection. So even if your kids are having these kind of bickering sessions daily, if you're able to. Pay attention and give this the space that it needs. The reconnection, whether that's with enjoying a snack together, having a walk, watching something that you would like to watch on tv some few moments of togetherness and safety, which gives them that sense of belonging, then that is going to make such a difference. So just to quickly recap, the next time the bickering starts, Noticing what's going on in your body. First. Telling yourself this is not an emergency, and when you hang back and you, you observe and listen, you can then decide. Do they need help being safe, or do they just need the space to practice? Because that pause is gonna change the trajectory of that whole conflict. I hope this has been helpful for you, and if you want more support building emotional regulation skills in the household, or even just exploring your own capacity for managing this type of conflict and your wellbeing in all of this, then you can contact me at clare@globallythriving.com and we can explore whether coaching is something you'd like to pursue. Thank you so much for listening and see you next time.