The Mental Load of Moving: Its Ok to Acknowledge the Hard Parts.

Moving Countries with Kids: The Mental Load, Dual Emotions, and Getting Through the Messy Middle

Host Clare O’Byrne welcomes listeners back to the Globally Thriving Families podcast after a few months off, sharing reflections from her recent move from the UAE to Canada. She describes how the mental load begins long before packing, with uncertainty, research, planning, and “project management” demands while closing down one life and starting another, all while considering children’s adjustment. After arrival, she notes there is “no autopilot,” as rebuilding systems like housing, schools, healthcare, banking, and transportation requires constant executive function and can lead to exhaustion and overwhelm. Claire emphasizes the duality of feelings—excitement and grief, gratitude and fatigue—and the inevitability of the uncomfortable “messy middle.” She recommends cultivating small “glimmers” to support regulation during prolonged stress and reminds listeners there’s no set timeline for feeling settled.

00:00 Welcome to the Podcast
01:01 Host Update and Big Move
02:46 The Mental Load Before Packing
06:01 No Autopilot After Arrival
09:05 Holding Mixed Emotions
10:09 The Messy Middle Phase
11:40 Finding Glimmers for Relief
13:20 Final Takeaways and Goodbye

Connect with Clare: clare@globallythriving.com

Get the Free 5 Minute Parenting Reset for Busy Globally Mobile Families: Website: https://www.globallythriving.com

Connect with Clare on Instagram: http://instagram.com/globally_thriving

Book a free 20 minute call with Clare: https://tidycal.com/globallythriving/20-minute-meeting 

Transcript

0:04

Are you a parent or caregiver raising your child internationally? Are you curious about how to nurture your child's development but find all the parenting information out there confusing? If so, you're in the right place. Welcome to the Globally Thriving Families podcast. I'm your host, Claire O'Byrne, a parent coach and occupational therapist with a passion for supporting children and their families for more than twenty-five years. Whether it's understanding how to build resilience to practical tips for language development, screen time challenges, and staying calm amongst the chaos, Globally Thriving Families is here to help. Join me as we explore the topics that give you the insights and guidance you need to support you and your children to thrive, no matter where your family's adventures take you. Hello and welcome back to the Globally Thriving Families podcast. I'm your host, Claire O'Byrne, and it has been a few months since the last episode. I'm so happy to be recording again, and I'm really glad you're here. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, although I've been very quiet lately, you might know that I moved across the world from the UAE to Canada a few months ago. So really, I have been completely immersed and occupied with that transition since the end of 2025. And since we've become a bit more established here, I found myself reflecting on what has made this move, all-consuming at times. And because any big move is a lot of work, practically, emotionally, and mentally, so so there are a few observations that I've made going through this experience, um, that you might recognize in yourself, too. After 25 years of being globally mobile, I know that moving somewhere new, it can be wonderful and hard in equal measure. And I've been thinking about the pressure, maybe the pressure comes from others, maybe it's ourselves, to demonstrate that we're resilient and coping and that we're positive. And I hope there's also room for us to admit the hard parts as well as embrace and look towards the good things. Now, I don't have a list of quick hacks on how you can bypass the upheaval of a big move, and I don't have suggestions for how to breeze through it. But you might be able to relate to some of these reflections. One thing that I realized quite quickly is that the mental load doesn't just start with the packing. By the time the movers had come to take our stuff, you know, we had already spent time making decisions and researching, planning, worrying, and anticipating change. It's draining. I've talked about this in a previous episode about living in limbo and accepting that limbo phase is hard and unsettling because usually before a move, there might be a period of uncertainty around that. You know, so that limbo period potentially is very unsettling. Our brain generally wants predictability and safety most of the time. Now, when you know what the plan is going to be, then you have to kick into research and planning mode, and it's almost like project management. You're thinking about the neighborhoods, the schools, the careers. There are so many logistics on both sides. You have to follow the processes for closing down one life, and then simultaneously start ramping up and initiating another one, all whilst trying to keep your current day-to-day going. So you're kind of living through three different phases at the same time, and not only is the practical stuff and the logistics, there, but interspersed with that is all the consideration of how is everybody gonna adjust, maybe bracing yourself for a tricky period in your life. And if you're- a parent, like I said, you're not just thinking about yourself. You're most probably thinking about how this is going to impact your kids too. So you have a lot of things coming at you, and I definitely found that challenging. So I'm not gonna tell anybody to think positive because it makes so much sense that there is a lot on your mind at this stage in the process, and it's born out of uncertainty and perhaps anticipating grief at what you're leaving behind and saying goodbye to. We all have different ways of approaching a situation or dealing with change, but give yourself some space to think about and listen to what is coming up for you about this time in your life, about the prep, the questions, the feeling, and write it down if that helps you tune into it or talk to somebody. Give yourself that opportunity. I remember in episode 14 when I chatted with Mika Izekor about big transitions, she shared that prior to a big move, her husband gets very into the project management role, and he gets the whiteboard out, and it's a way of the family figuring out a pathway and exploring the priorities really as a family, and that might go some way to helping you shift your brain from spinning with all the things that need to happen and being able to take action on the things that are needed at the time and maybe park some things for later. And then once you do arrive, something else becomes apparent, which I really noticed and thought about this time that for a certain amount of time, there is just no autopilot. Every small task requires conscious thought. I've talked before about executive function, and moving demands so many executive function skills: the planning, organization, working memory, attention, regulation of your emotions. In our regular lives, so many of the things that we do, the routines and tasks that we have on a daily basis, they become automatic. And obviously, life admin is part of being an adult ongoingly, and we usually have something that we're working on. But in a big transition, suddenly every part of your life is needing to be established or rebuilt: housing, schools, healthcare, banking, transportation, communication. And they're just general categories. Underneath those are even more subsections. Never mind making friends and building connections, you might spend a while just getting a credit card and car insurance. And each decision branches off into sometimes lots of sub-decisions. Even the most simple daily activities that you think would be automatic or remain automatic might just have a step in it that has to be done a little differently. The energy that that takes is because it is making our executive function system work harder. So if you feel completely exhausted during a move, even after several weeks it's for good reason. It's neuroscience, and it's really important to acknowledge this because long after you've arrived and unpacked, there's a reason why you might still be really tired. I remember a few months ago spending two hours in an Apple Store, just had to figure out... I was changing my phone to a different region, but only doing it temporarily and then changing it back because, you know, being globally mobile, it's not always a clean cut from one country to another. And, you might still have life admin in two, three, or more countries. So just not being able to download my banking app because I was in the wrong region, it suddenly became like a tech disaster. And I remember tearing up in the Apple Store and thinking, "I hate this." And it wasn't necessarily just that specific issue, although I did hate this, but because it was against a backdrop of so many other things too, and that was the moment that it brought me to tears in the mall. And in case you're thinking, "Gosh, this is negative," you know, I found myself feeling really conflicting emotions. You know? And it really reminded me that two things can be true at the same time. We can feel good about a move and also grieve what we're leaving behind. You can be happy about what's to come, and you can hate parts of the process. You can believe in the decision that you've made, and you can be scared. You can be grateful, and you can be exhausted. The duality of feelings is one of the most valuable things to remember if you are also in this situation, so that you can take the pressure off yourself to feel one way or another. When you're closing up aspects of your life somewhere and feeling sad about what you're leaving behind, you can acknowledge that and be ready and hopeful for the next chapter as well. Which brings me to another realization that I made, that the in-between part of a transition, it's uncomfortable, and you just have to get through it. The paperwork is ongoing. The routines, maybe not fully established. Maybe your shipment hasn't arrived, or you haven't found your people yet. The kids are starting from scratch in their schools and with friendships and activities. Even if you're repatriating to what you might call home, there's familiarity, but there may also be a really striking newness to it, especially because your kids are now in a different stage of life than they were previously when you lived there. This messy middle bit before you're settled, you know, this friction, this discombobulation, mixed in with excitement and good stuff, and I don't think there's a way to bypass that messy in-between stage. Even if you're really prepared, you still have to go through it. I certainly kept telling myself in the first couple of months, "This will get better. This will get easier." And I had to practice acceptance, acceptance of that discomfort and doing the things I didn't enjoy, because I, I knew and I believed that it would feel easier and better at some point. And in those harder moments, I tried to pay attention to cultivating glimmers throughout the day and the week. These small moments where you can take a little break from the thinking or the doing. Sometimes it was going out for a walk and getting a coffee, or connecting with a friend, or sometimes it was watching mindless or just comforting television. You know, we have to give ourselves a little reprieve from responsibility. And they're not just nice things to do. There's actually neuroscience behind why they can be so helpful during stressful times. So when we're under a prolonged stress of a big move or the, um, high alertness, let's say, our brain, it's often scanning for problems to solve, decisions to make, and, and the things that need our attention. Glimmers can help activate our parasympathetic nervous system, that's the part of the nervous system that we associate with rest and recovery and regulation and connection. So a glimmer, so doing something that feels good to us, that we enjoy, acts like a small signal of safety, and it reminds the brain and the body that actually not everything is an emergency. So it doesn't really change what's on your plate. You'll still have all that stuff to do, but creating the little moments of regulation in between the, the busyness, the chaos, and the stuff you don't like, it's better than not. Which brings me to my final reflection for this episode. So when life is demanding, you know, self-care can be another to-do list item, and I've talked about this before, that sometimes when we need it the most, we can't initiate some of these things that are nurturing for us. But finding even the smallest moments along the way can help you get through that busy, chaotic, and uncertain time that a big transition is. And whether it's down the street or across the world, moving and bringing your family with you and starting life somewhere else, it is an upheaval, and it demands so much executive function. There will be some sensory overload, overwhelm, tiredness, and second-guessing what you've done. But also on the other side, there may be new adventures and growing through change with your family, and good times ahead. There's no set timeframe for when you should feel settled, so no need to pressure yourself with a cutoff period, even if it's a question that everybody asks you. I hope this has been helpful to you if you are going through a transition yourself, or even if you recognize how you felt during a previous move, and now feel validated. Thank you so much for listening, and see you next time If anything in this episode sparked something for you, I'd love to hear about it. You can find me on Instagram at globally_thriving, or you can reach out to me on my website. globallythriving.com. See you