The Tiny House Tapes: I Feel Free

The Tiny House Tapes are short recordings, edited from a much longer and very boozy recording, covering a somewhat specific topic related to Alzheimer’s. 

This is Volume One - I Feel Free 

Matt's diagnosis has brought certain freedoms and benefits into his life. Awareness of his mortality has led to an openness and lust for life that many of us may never know, at least until we reach our deathbed. 

Check www.oldmanlunch.org for more details on us, Alzheimer's, and the podcast.

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Transcript

MARK VALLET: Hello, this is Mark Vallet with Old Man Lunch. Welcome to the Tiny House Tapes, Volume One: I Feel Free

The Tiny House Tapes are short recordings edited from a much longer recording, covering a somewhat specific time related to Alzheimer's.

A little context. Every year in the late fall, Matt and his wife and my family rent tiny houses at a place called We Casa in Lyons, Colorado. Usually, these nights end with Matt and I having a boozy conversation around a fire until late at night. And this year was no different.

This year I recorded it and thought it would be fun to edit it down to an old man lunch special episode, which I did. And then it ended up being about 45 minutes long, which, according to my wife, was 30 minutes too long. She claimed the ramble covered too many topics and the sound quality was not great.

I eventually agreed and edited it down further into three short recordings that deal with a somewhat specific topic. This is Volume One, the Freedom and Benefits of Alzheimer's. 
 
According to Matt, his diagnosis has brought certain freedoms and benefits. Although I hate using the word benefit, let's just call it motivation and leeway instead. Awareness of his mortality has led to an openness and lust for life that many of us may never know, at least until we reach our deathbed. 
 
 This was recorded after numerous drinks and on my phone, so the quality is not top-notch. While I have made efforts to improve it, they have mainly failed. 

 I would like to apologize for all of my noises that I was unable to edit out. I am loud, I sigh a lot. I'm gassy. My slippers are shuffling along the floor. It's embarrassing, but there was not much my limited editing skills could do about it. 

 So, there you have it. This all ended around 2 a.m. when I walked Matt back to his tiny house as he had forgotten which one they were staying.
 
 Matt Allen: You don't have control, which gives you actual freedom. It's like it's an amazing freedom. Well, then I haven't gotten to that. I will say I think I'm closer and closer because I have Alzheimer's.

MARK VALLET: Sarah had a friend who had cancer and she had like three cancers throughout her life. And like the progressively worse. And she eventually died.

And I thought about that when she was, you know, having cancer. And I said that I think when you have a disease like that or Alzheimer's, it probably makes you appreciate life and each day more than a person that doesn't have to worry about dying. She was focused on making every day a good day.

MATT ALLEN: That's exactly right.

MARK VALLET:  She would talk to Sarah about that or Sarah tell me about that. I was like, I certainly don't want to ever have a fatal disease, but I think it probably changes your life and I think it focuses you on what's important.

MATT ALLEN: Exactly. That is exactly it. That's what I have felt since I got my Alzheimer's diagnosis, which is like, okay, well, then I'm still here and so I'm going to fucking do the things that I wouldn't have possibly done. Yeah.

 MARK VALLET: And that's what I always thought about her. I think it made her freer to express herself and love to other people and be more open with people. It also probably allowed her to do whatever the hell she wanted.

 MATT ALLEN: Yeah. Because it's a, it's a recognition of freedom. It's a recognition of freedom,

A death sentence, whatever that is, and Alzheimer's is a death sentence. Or somebody says that you know, you've got six months left to live. Guess what? Those people who have six months left to live, they fuckin live.

MARK VALLET: Yeah, I don't disagree. I mean, I always thought that with her, but I don't want a fatal disease at this point.

 MATT ALLEN: Nobody wants a fuckin fatal disease, but there is freedom there. I feel it. I feel it every day. It's kind of like, all right, I'm not entirely in charge. I don't know what the fuck is going on in a lot of different directions. But I'm here. And so, use the fucking time. As opposed to most people feel like, yes, I'm going to die. I don't know when so it's just like this laxness. It's a laxness of like, I don't have to worry or think about what my mortality is about. And my mortality is in my face right now.

 MARK VALLET: Have these theories gotten more developed as time has gone on like this wasn't the case when you first got the diagnosis? 

Matt Allen: No, I was scared. But I recognize that there's a positive part to it, which is that Nobody recognizes that they're actually mortal for sure until something like this happens. Laia’s like, should we go back to Barcelona? It's expensive. I'm like, Fuck, yes, let's go back to Barcelona. Let's go, let's go this summer, let’s set it up, let's make this summer. And she's like, Yeah, okay, let's do it, let's do it. And we probably wouldn't have done that if I didn't have a diagnosis because time is precious.
 
 MARK VALLET: Time is precious.

Matt Allen: So in a way, I'm kind of happy about it. Seriously, though, the most important thing is that I feel a richness that I haven't felt before because I now know actually that I'm immortal,

which is unusual, I think. And when I share that with other people that are like, uh, uh, I don't know if I want that.

MARK VALLET: I thought about that when this woman was dying of cancer.
I don't want that, but I don't know that I wouldn't mind the feeling of knowing that things were more important than you seem to think they are on a day-to-day basis.
 
 MATT ALLEN: There's a vitality to it somehow, which is curious. It seems totally anti-theoretical. It seems the opposite.

 MARK VALLET: But I mean, you feel better about things on a daily basis. I know the Alzheimer's and I mean, just in general, life is going better.

 MATT ALLEN: Yeah, I actually feel brighter, well, I don't know. I don't know if I feel brighter than when I first got the diagnosis, but I feel brighter in the last year, year and a half, or something like that.

 MARK VALLET: Yeah, I would imagine the first year has got to be tough, right?

 MATT ALLEN: It's kind of like, What the fuck, I'm doomed. Or. Or why me? That kind of, uh, but I don't feel that way anymore. like I want to. I want to continue to travel. I want to go to places that we haven't been, I want to go to like Papua New Guinea.

 MARK VALLET: Do it!

MATT ALLEN: I know we're going to. I want to go to places that nobody goes to. I want to go to places I haven't even thought of and I was like, ok, let's make a list. So, we're making a list. I feel like it's actually grace more than disaster. It's given me freedom. Honestly, it's given me freedom.

 MARK VALLET: I know there are I wouldn't say benefits, but I mean, you know. We can probably go to Japan skiing probably because of this.
 

MATT ALLEN: Definitely. I can do anything I want right now. It's true. 
 

MARK VALLET: I know it's a benefit, although I don’t like that word, but will the listeners agree with that?

MATT ALLEN: I think they would. That's what I'm trying to say is that it's based on perspective,

 MARK VALLET: I Know what you mean, and I think there are some benefits to it. We've obviously been able to do things. I never would have gotten Morehouse out here for anything less than this probably. Or possibly Bierie and now we're going to fucking Moab and we're going skiing for a couple of weeks and we're going to go to Japan probably. 

 MATT ALLEN: It's motivational for action.

MARK VALLET: Motivation and it's also you get a little leeway. Yeah well, a fair amount of leeway actually. Or at least I seem to be getting that which is why I don't want Sarah to listen to some of this.

MATT ALLEN: I have told Laia a bunch of times I wish I had gotten Alzheimer's earlier.

 MARK VALLET: We could have gotten so much done in our forties.

 MATT ALLEN: I mean it. I mean, it's ridiculous to say.

 MARK VALLET: It is ridiculous to say. It’s ridiculous. It is good that we have that freedom at this point.

 MATT ALLEN: It provides a motivation that I would not have had probably if I was just like sailing along.

MARK VALLET: It's probably motivated me, and it doesn't really, I mean it will 100% affect me if I'm not dead.

 MATT ALLEN: Yes.

MARK VALLET: Which is certainly possible, a couple of hundred years from now, I'll be dead for sure. While your diagnosis has created some benefits, it's certainly not worth the price we're going to pay in the end.
 
 MATT ALLEN: I feel blessed and not because I have Alzheimer’s, but just because my life has been has been the way that it has.

MARK VALLET: While I haven't gotten to the level of freedom that Matt talks about, I do think it's fair to say that all this has changed me. It has made me much more aware of my own mortality and the importance of seizing the day, telling your loved ones how you feel about them, keeping in touch with old and new friends or even starting a ridiculous podcast.

 Matt and I have both benefited from a gigantic shot of motivation and a shocking amount of leeway from our wives. While this freedom has allowed us to see old friends travel frequently and get some great skiing in. I know that in the end there is a price that will be paid when my old man lunch group loses a founding member.

 Which is a great segway into the second volume of the Tiny House Tapes. We are calling this one The Great Big Ball of Chaos. Even though Matt has Alzheimer's, it could be any one of us who dies first, thanks to the fact that we have no control over anything. The only thing for certain is that one day Old Man Lunch will be down a founding member.
 
 As always, Like, Subscribe, Follow, or do whatever you do with a podcast. We are sort of new to this whole thing, to be honest. You can also check us out at www.oldmanlunch.org for more information about us and some cool merch coming soon. Let us know what you think or send us some episode ideas. Till next time. I'm Mark Vallet with Old Man Lunch.