Matt and Mark Tiny Houses - We Have No Control

According to Matt, Alzheimer’s has brought him some new clarity regarding how much control we have in this world, and the answer is zero. 

Just because Matt has Alzheimer’s, it doesn’t mean we will all be present for his funeral. Death could come for any one of us at any time, and there are certainly decent odds that Brad or I will kick it well before Matt expires.  

In the end, we honestly have no idea what is to come and while I still find that thought discomforting, Matt seems ready to embrace the fact that we have no control over anything in this world. We are living on a giant ball of Chaos.

Check www.oldmanlunch.org for more details on us, Alzheimer's, and the podcast.

Bluesky: @oldmanlunch.bsky.social
Instagram: @oldm.lunch

Transcript

MARK VALLET: Hello, this is Mark Vallet with Old Man Lunch. Welcome to the Tiny House Tapes. Volume Two. We have no control on this Giant Ball of Chaos.

 The Tiny House Tapes are short recordings edited from a much longer recording, covering a somewhat specific topic related to Alzheimer's.

 Every year in the late fall, Matt, his wife, and my family rent tiny houses at a place called We Casa in Lyons, Colorado. Usually, these nights end with Matt and I having a boozy conversation around a fire until late at night. And this year was no different. 

 This year I recorded it and thought it would be fun to edit it down to an old man lunch special episode, which I did, and then ended up being about 45 minutes long, which, according to my wife, was 30 minutes too long. She claimed the ramble covered too many topics and the sound quality was not great. I eventually agreed and edited it further into three short recordings dealing with a somewhat specific topic.
 
 MARK VALLET: This is volume two. We have no control on this Giant Ball of Chaos.
According to Matt, Alzheimer's has brought him some new clarity regarding just how much control we have in this world. And the answer is zero. 

 Just because Matt has Alzheimer's doesn't mean we will all be present for his funeral. Death could come for any one of us at any time. And there are certainly decent odds that Brad or I will kick it well before Matt expires in the end.

 We honestly have no idea what is to come. And while I still find that thought discomforting, Matt seems ready to embrace the fact that we have no control over anything in this world. We are living on a Giant Ball of Chaos. 
 
This was recorded after numerous drinks and on my phone. So the quality is not top-notch. And while I've made efforts to improve it, they have mainly failed.

I would like to apologize for all of my noises that I was unable to edit out. I am loud, I sigh a lot. I'm gassy. My slippers are shuffling along the floor. It's embarrassing, but there was not much my limited editing skills could do about it. So there you have it. This all ended around 2 a.m. when I walked Matt back to his tiny house as he had forgotten which one they were staying.
 
 Matt Allen: I'm not in any way worried about my future. I'm just not.

Mark Vallet: Well, you should be a little worried about your future.

Matt Allen: I'm not. I'm really not. I mean, you know, the whole idea is that you do die. We do die at some point, and maybe that will be young for me, and maybe it won't. But I'm not really in charge. So, the whole point is that I'm going to live as fully as I can. I'm going to live.

Laia can be very anxious about, you know, she can get anxious about we don't have enough money. We can't do this. We do. We can't do that, and we do it, and it’s fine.

Mark Vallet: Well, what does she worry about money-wise?

Matt Allen: She makes plenty of money. She feels like at some point she's going to retire and it's not sustainable. Which is understandable.

Mark Vallet: Oh, no, it I mean, yeah, I think the whole thing is scary.

 Matt Allen: I don't find it to be scary at all. I mean, we live privileged lives. We have every fucking thing that we possibly need. We can do whatever we want most of the time. All the time. So, I don't feel that way. I feel like why won't it continue? And if it doesn't continue, then we change things.

Mark Vallet: I think it'll be scary for her because she's going to have to at some point deal with you not being there.
 
 Matt Allen: She says that to me, and I say to her, we have no idea. I mean, I'm not wishing this or hoping this or expecting this, but you could die tomorrow. Like, what the fuck? That's true. It's immediate.

Mark Vallet: That's a good way of looking at things. I don't disagree with it.
 
 Matt Allen: She says, when you're gone, I'm like, you have no fucking idea whether you're going to be gone before me. It could happen tomorrow.

Mark Vallet: I've been saying the same thing myself, I could die before Matt.
 
 Matt Allen: And I'm like, I don't wish that for you, and I don't think it's going to happen. But it could happen.

Matt Allen: Don't be so certain about what the fuck you think is going to happen. Well, because I've Alzheimer's, it's like, I don't know, it's. It's kind of like I won't accept the fact that means that I have to be limited.

Mark Vallet: I don't think you're limited at all. And I don't think that anybody is limiting you currently. I mean, I'm not saying the future. I mean, who knows?
 
 Matt Allen: But I just mean when we talk about the future, I don’t want my future limited. 

Mark Vallet: It’s got to be fucked up for her.
 
 Matt Allen: I say you have no fuckin idea if you'll be gone before me. You could die tomorrow.

Mark Vallet: No, I get that. But I mean you also see her point of view too, right? Odds are she will outlive you.
 
 Matt Allen: We are not in fucking charge.

Mark Vallet: Well, that's true. Who do you think is in charge?
 
 Matt Allen: Nobody's in charge. There's no one in charge.

Mark Vallet: I was going to say, do you believe in God?
 
 Matt Allen: No, there's no God. So no.

Mark Vallet: It’s just randomness?
 
 Matt Allen: It's not even randomness. It's just what it is.

Mark Vallet: I sort of think we're living in hell right now.
 
 Matt Allen: So if this is hell and heaven is going to be fucking great.

Mark Vallet: I don't know. I worry all the about the kids I worry about Sarah, I worry about everybody's health. I worry all the time.
 
 Matt Allen: I'm so much on the opposite. I don't worry about shit. I really don't. And I have a fucking disease that's supposed to kill me within eight fucking years.

Mark Vallet: I don't know how you can be like that. I worry about things all the time. That's all I do at this point. That's why I think it's hell. I think this is the bad place because I am being psychologically tortured every day. I'm constantly worried about what's going to happen with Katie next year. I worry about Jack and Sarah, I worry about my health, your health and everybody's health. I worry about my parents.
 
 Matt Allen: You know what the answer is? You have to just accept that you don't fucking know and anything can turn on a dime.

Mark Vallet: I know that, But I can't be comfortable with that.
 
 Matt Allen: It happens to everybody. The guy who's like, got everything in the world. And then the plane explodes.

Mark Vallet: Let's hope that’s Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk.
 
 Matt Allen: We don't have any fucking control. Your every time you get on the road, you have, you really have no control over the fuck bird that runs into you at 100 miles an hour.

Mark Vallet: I don't disagree. That's all I'm saying. I worry about Katie getting hit by some asshole every day. That's what I'm saying, it's the  bad place.
 
 Matt Allen: It's a good place because we don't have control. But I'm just saying that every day there is so many things much more out of your control than there is.

Mark Vallet: That is true.
 
 Matt Allen: That's 100% sure it is. And so that's what I'm talking about.

Mark Vallet: I get that, but you have that point of view because you're in your situation. Not everybody's going to feel that way and she doesn't get that.
 
 Matt Allen: That's exactly true. But I'm not expecting to die tomorrow. I'm not expecting to die. And but nobody's expecting to die tomorrow. But you know what? Tomorrow a lot of people will die.

Mark Vallet: Well, that's true. But your wife, it probably isn't going to be one of them.
 
 Matt Allen: Probably not. I don't want to die. In fact, I don't think I will die. My guess is I will die in about ten years.

Mark Vallet: What are you now, 56 or 57?  I'm 57.

Matt Allen: I think I'm 56.

Mark Vallet: And this happened at 55, is that correct?
 
 Matt Allen: 54. Late 54.

Matt Allen: Laia will say I don't know what I'm going to do when you're gone and I’m like you have no fucking idea whether you're going to be gone before me or not. You know, and I say, I don't want this to happen, but you get run over tomorrow, and so I'm not going to accept that as has to happen. 

 Mark Vallet: More than likely she is going to have to go on after you.

 Matt Allen: You don't know. And she doesn't know. I don't know. So I can't give credence to it. And it's like, okay, you're right. The odds are in your favor that you will live longer than I will. 

 Mark Vallet: Women tend to live longer in general. She's also ten years younger than you. 

Matt Allen: I get that. I mean, I think about that. I know, but we're not in charge. We are all liable at all times.

Mark Vallet: As I edited this, I thought about some of the things Matt had said. Logically, I can understand the freedom that comes with accepting we have no control over anything and the possible joy of just letting go and embracing the fact that we are living on a giant ball of chaos. Unfortunately for me, I have a hard time accepting that theory. I still like to think I can control some things and that brings me a little comfort. However, I will admit that lately, when worried about something probably kid related, I have thought I have no control over this, so why worry about it? So far it hasn't brought me much peace. But I will keep trying.
 
Mark Vallet: As always, liked, subscribe, follow, or whatever you do with podcast. We are sort of new to this whole thing, to be honest. You can also check us out at www.oldmanlunch.org for more information about us and some cool merch coming soon. Let us know what you think or send us some episode ideas. Till next time. I'm Mark Vallet with Old Man Lunch.

Matt Allen:
I just can't buy into the fact that we have any control. We just don't. We really actually don't. We really don't.