Hey, welcome back to Breaking Jaded. I'm your co-host, Chloe. This is my mom. Hey, mom Kendra aka mom.
Speaker 2Kendra aka mom.
Speaker 1Co-host of Breaking Jaded Yep. So we sorry about last week. Due to the weather we had some technical difficulties and couldn't get an episode out, but this week we promise we will we're going to get this out on time, right, it's been crazy here.
Speaker 2We had a tornado in Santa Cruz.
Speaker 1And before that didn't you have an earthquake or tsunami or something.
Speaker 2Yeah, we had an earthquake about a week, two weeks ago, and we had a tsunami warning. They cleared the beaches. It was really funny watching the cops and the firemen running up and down the beaches pulling the surfers out of the water.
Speaker 1Just for there to be no tsunami.
Speaker 2About a half an hour later they're like oh all good, just kidding.
Speaker 1I would be so pissed.
Speaker 2I mean, it was a 7.3 earthquake right off the coast of Northern California. So I mean, you never know when that's going to create a huge wave, I guess. So that's what they just had to be had to be safe. But yeah, and then this week we had a tornado rip through Scotts Valley, which I mean no one's ever heard of a tornado in california, I don't think, definitely not in this area, and that's literally like five minutes from me, and it was crazy. It flipped cars. I mean it was a serious tornado that's insane.
Speaker 2It was a full-on funnel coming through the town came right down, like the main road of scotts valley. It was a trip I like that.
Speaker 1I moved to tennessee, where we're supposed to have crazier weather, but right when I moved out of california, all you guys get the crazy shit. That makes no sense, right weird that's really weird um it is. How are you doing, mom?
Speaker 2it's been a minute since we caught up. I'm doing good, I'm doing really good. I'm ready to move. I may be moving to San Diego as soon as this weekend. Really, did you find a place? Yeah, I did, yeah, yeah, okay, wow, so now it's wait. Probation has to approve my move, but I talked to my PO today and he's all for it, so he's excited. He's just trying to get the approval pushed through. Oh, that's great news. I was excited, yeah, very excited.
Speaker 1Lots of good things going on in our failed episode last week we kind of went over the fact that it's really hard to rent in this economy right now for anyone, nevermind someone fresh out of prison with no rental history. You I mean you have the funds, um, but a lot of you didn't for a while and you need like three months rent first and last. All this, all these roadblocks, and it makes it almost impossible, nevermind Southern California, to rent an apartment or even just a studio. So I mean you have a really tight circle of supporters that are helping you, Thank God, yes, yes, but last week you were not in a good headspace because you were freaking out and we were all freaking out how the hell are you going to move?
Speaker 1when you got to move, you know.
Speaker 2Yeah, I was kind of full of fear and feeling defeated because I mean, I just I didn't think anyone was gonna rent to me with my history and it's like, how do you prove to them I'm not my history, you know, like that, that is in the past that's not who I am, and you know, trying to get a property management to give you a chance is very difficult but, like it just goes to show, when you trust the universe and you and you just walk through your fears and you walk through that hopelessness and and you just trust that you know what this God and this universe is more powerful than anything. And look what happened. I applied for this place and my they did a background check and it came back clear, like completely clear. I have no criminal record.
Speaker 1apparently Someone's getting fired.
Speaker 2I mean no, because it's it's going to work out just fine. I mean no because it's it's going to work out just fine.
Speaker 2It is Even if I, even I even offered to pay them up front, but no one wants to. Let me do that. It would just make life easier. Just let me pay for the lease up front and I'll be good. Then you don't have to stress about your rent and I don't, you know, but no, they don't want that. So it's fine. But, um, but yeah, like it's, so it's going to work out fine. No one's you know.
Speaker 2But I don't know what kind of service they use. But apparently that service, well, at least maybe they don't check the feds, I guess. Yeah, so that's what I'm guessing. But I mean, I was honest on my application too, you know so. But um, I do have evictions that are way over 10 years old. So you know those, I guess, don't show up because they're so old. And you know, back when my life was a mess, you know that it's just all sort of the wreckage of our past. You know that's what. And it's painful and it's hard to look at when you're going through those things, because it's just like oh, what the fuck is wrong with me.
Speaker 2You know, like, how could I make all these mistakes? But I, you know, my credit is is going up monthly and that's cool. Like they saw, that I have no delinquencies, everything's paid on time Like never had that in my life, you know. So it's really really cool. That was a good feeling, you know like, cause I've worked really hard on that since I got out and um, so, yeah, it's, you know, and just to see like a cleared record was the best feeling in the world and that told me, okay, that's an absolute miracle. I don't know how that happened, but it's interesting that the universe has my back, no matter what right, and you never know what can happen. Things like that can happen just when you think it's going to be awful and they're going to refuse you. But if you don't walk through it and take the chance, then you're never going to get anywhere.
Speaker 1I'll find his name. But he said life is 90% showing up because if you just show up, if you just try, it might work out. Something will happen. Something will happen if you just show up, rather than, like you said on the phone with me the other day when we were talking about this, just one-on-one, when you saw all those roadblocks in front of you, like, hey, you need this, this and that to get an apartment and you can't be this, this and that if you want to be qualified, and you just shut down for a second because it brought you back to that place of like, I can't do this, I just want to tap out, forget it, it's too hard, I don't even want to try. And your friend Ryan was like, hey, get your ass out there and fucking try. And you did.
Speaker 1And sure enough, it worked out and then apparently now this is news to me that you are qualified or you got accepted or whatever.
Speaker 2Like it worked out or it's in the pro, it's in progress.
Speaker 2So that's all because you showed up, you kept trying, you were persistent and yeah, you didn't fucking give up and that's such a valuable lesson it was a really good lesson for me, right, it was a huge lesson for me that what, how, what pays off when you do show up, you know, when you're authentic, and you say you know.
Speaker 2And I talked to the property manager, I said I know my application is far from great, right, you know, because I was honest on it and so, but, um, that that I'm not that person anymore. You know, and if you give me a chance, I will prove to you that you know I'm, I will be a good tenant, and so that's just what it's all about. You know, and there's people, there's good people out there that are willing to give people like me a chance and you know. So it and it also just worked out because you know I'm building a non-profit for re-entry and it's like, so it's so cool that I get to like share my story with people that we're going to help and say I know firsthand how fucking difficult this can be.
Yeah, right, and so if we can make it just a, little bit easier for people because, you know, I don't want people to fail, I want them to come out. I hate the incarceral system, you know, and I want it to change and I want, I don't want people to go back, and so if I can do anything to help people walk through these things, I'm going to do it, and so I'm really excited. I just told you earlier a little bit about all you got a lot of stuff on deck.
Speaker 1I know she was trying to explain. We can't really talk about it yet, but we were. She was explaining to me her newest idea and I was like wait, what? I was like damn mom, you're. You're fucking smart, because what the fuck like? Shit doesn't normally go over my head, but that kind of went over my head, it went over your head.
Speaker 1Yeah, you're pretty smart, mom, you're very smart I always told people you were the smartest person I knew you are very smart, you have a high iq and a very high eq. So yeah and I I got some of those genetics from you. Are you good at math or no? We've kind of been over this.
Speaker 2I know we're not gonna know like no, you, are you good at math or no? We've kind of been over this. I know we're not good at math. No, I'm not very good at math.
Speaker 1Does that make sense?
Speaker 2Six is 12.
Speaker 1I'm going to put the 12 times six is four.
Speaker 2I'm just going to pop that clip in there real quick. Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 1Just had to remind the audience that we are not good at math.
Speaker 2But yeah, like, give me a calculator, I can kill it.
Speaker 1Right, same yeah. Chat GPT in a calculator.
Speaker 2I can do probably anything. I'm very I am very analytical thinking. You know like I think very analytically.
Speaker 1Same and logistics, and I can figure it out.
Speaker 2But and I think reason why I wasn't ever good in math is because of my ADHD and the focus and the time, like I would stress more over the time than I would over the question. You know, reading the questions Cause out here in my brain I'm like oh, my God speaking of that. And then I'm looking at this person and that person and I'm getting distracted all over the place. So because of my, you know if they have the services now.
Speaker 1I mean, I had a five Oh4 in high school. I got extra time on tests and I think that was the only accommodation they gave me. I deserved more, but you share the good news that you just you're starting school.
Speaker 2So I'm going to school yeah, I'm very excited about it and they have given me. I didn't even know these resources existed, but when they saw my disability letter that I have ADHD, ptsd, head trauma, things like that they're like okay, what can we do to help you with your schooling? And they gave me more time on my classes. I get to take breaks in my classes, I get my books on audio and so I don't, you know, have to read them three times before it soaks in. You know, things like that, um, amazing.
Speaker 2I didn't even know they do this stuff, but if I wish they did that when I was younger I would have probably stayed in college because it was just too overwhelming for me with all that stuff. But, um, yeah, so I. I mean I like I did all the accounting for a public software company for years, right? So can I do math? You have to know math to do accounting, right?
Speaker 1But um, it wasn't it wasn't it doesn't mean you're good at it.
Speaker 2You have tools, then right, you have. You have the you know accounting software that you're using that does math for you. You have spreadsheets that you set up formulas to do the math for that you're using that does math for you. You have spreadsheets that you set up formulas to do the math for you and you have calculators. So with those things I mean I can problem solve. No problem, right, it's just yeah. So I don't know.
Speaker 1Well, congratulations on getting into school.
Speaker 2Getting into school. Going to transfer to USD next fall University of San. Diego next fall.
Speaker 1My friend Deanna goes there, so you'll be going to school with my friend.
Speaker 2Deanna, oh really, I didn't know that yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, she transferred out of community into USD. So you will be there with her. The School of Nerds it's the School of Nerds, I think it's like university socially disabled or I forget what it's called. I forget what it's called, but it's something about how they're mostly nerds and they don't party in their frats and sorority. They have a big law school.
Speaker 2Well, I mean, they're smart as hell, like probably the smartest, but yeah that's what I've heard compared to like san diego state.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, that's what I've heard. Compared to like San Diego State. Yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's not a party school.
Speaker 1Socially. Sorry, don't come for me after. I just said that. Sorry, I don't. That's what I first I mean USD. You know who's going to come for you is.
Speaker 2Ryan, the whole school's going to come for me.
Speaker 1All the nerd. This is going to be like a 45 minute episode. I want to talk about breaking generational trauma. Um, okay, because that's what you and I are doing, and along with because I've also seen it all over the internet. It's like becoming a thing, is, or?
at least a well-known thing is breaking generational trauma, and it all starts with awareness, which a lot of people skip. They don't once, you can't. You have to hit step one, which is awareness and knowing, like identifying the toxic patterns like addiction, neglect, emotional suppression, like all that kind of stuff, and then, but a lot of people just don't ever realize that they're carrying what their mom had or what their grandma had and what has been passed down to them, like, for example, me with anger issues and my dad.
Speaker 1Like that I have that. I have his anger, I have his depression, his manic episodes, your manic episodes I have, like both of my parents obviously have a lot of mental shit and I have a lot of it and I am always hyper. It's kind of a blessing and a curse. I'm hyper aware of what I have because I have this really strong urge to become the I've talked about this a million times the best version of myself that I can be, and I also, if I ever do have kids, I do not want to pass it down to them, I want it to end with me and thankfully, my mom his generation or two above me wants to end it too, and we're working One generation above you.
Speaker 2You're what? I'm your mom, one generation above you. I'm your mom.
Speaker 1But doesn't it go Gen Z, millennials, Gen X? Oh, okay, I thought you meant like oh, you're my grandma. No, no, no, no, I'm talking. I'm talking like yeah, technically you're a generation above me. I am the generation above you. Okay, you are not, so you're kind of a young mom actually.
Speaker 2Um, yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, so the first step is becoming aware, which you and I are beyond aware, and we're educating ourselves constantly, like with me on um. Instead of doom scrolling, I'm mostly micro learning on the internet and a lot of it is EQ related stuff, like becoming aware of all the possible toxic traits that you could have and working on them, and but a lot of people can't even be aware because they're too afraid to look inward, they're too busy looking outward and blaming everyone else and all. My mom, I have my dad's anger and that's just how it is. Like I am my dad, I am my father's daughter and this is this is. It's a fucking excuse. Like, do you want to be that way or do you want to work on it?
Speaker 2Yeah, I mean it's, it's something that's embedded in you but you do you, you work on it. That's what you can do is just work on it. You're aware of it and so and I mean it's part of your genetics, so you know that's. That's something you can't change, but what you can change is your awareness of it and then how you work on it. So what is it you need to heal? Right that? And then what are your? What reactions can you control?
Speaker 2You know, and a lot of that is just in letting go. I guess, because I've been through so fucking much, you know, like so much, and in prison, like in the beginning, I was just like fighting that wall of fighting this, fighting that, fighting that. And then I just finally said you know what? Fuck this, like I just want to have internal peace, right, inner peace, and so I have to let go of everything Like my. I have to let go of using, I have to let go of being scared of how much time I'm going to get. I just have to let it go and trust. And from that point it was so strange because literally nothing bothered me. Right it, I, it was very hard to get me upset and and toll. You know, all of the abuse happened later on and that was very, very difficult. The retaliation was so horrific Then. Then I got mad again.
Speaker 1Then I got it, I took it all back and I got really upset.
Speaker 1It's okay to get angry you know, to just be an angry person and like especially when it's deserved, you were being a retaliating that's not just that story fully warranted anger. It's okay to be angry. Anger comes from a place of knowing you deserve better and you're not feeling valued enough and that anger isn't being valued. So with just being an angry person like, for example, my dad we all know one person or multiple that is just angry all the time, or sad all the time or pity me all the time, that's generational trauma that will never get fixed until it hits someone that's willing to recognize it, discuss it, talk about it, understand why they are the way they are and then realize that they have the power to choose.
Speaker 1Just because your dad and mom and grandma and everyone gave you those genetics and those traits and passed it down to you doesn't mean you have to be that way. But you do have to do the work, you have to let go, you have to work on it, and also seeking external help is important too. You know like you don't have to always do it alone. So that's why I'm so grateful that I'm not the only one in the family. I was for a while before when, when you and I were pretty disconnected or far from each other. I was. I felt very alone and and they always say the on the misunderstood one or the black sheep of the family is the one that's usually breaking generational trauma, because you have to distance the people that. Oh, it was perfect, I'm always.
Speaker 1I always know the right quote and then I can't relay it verbatim, but you can't expect support from those in your family that aren't willing to recognize or break the generational trauma. So, for example, if you have a narcissist in your family and you're trying to break those habits and stop it, you can't expect them to support you. You can't expect them to be there and understand it. You can't expect them to support you. You can't expect them to be there and understand. So that is where you create boundaries. You have to set boundaries with those people. If you want to break the trauma, you kind of have to step away from the people who caused it, at least if they're not willing to work on it or if they're not even willing to recognize the damage that they've done or continue to do.
Speaker 1So that's the other thing is like. Really it's the power of choice and as long as you are doing your best to work on it and to be aware of and practice with how you're treating people and see the difference, compare all this, just being yourself productive in working on it, you might not ever be a perfect person. It's okay to have issues. We're not trying to aim to be perfect, it's just the the world will never get better If there aren't people like us who are want to be better and are trying to be better. You know cause?
Speaker 2it's just that, ignorance being an example besides you changing yourself, but you're being an example. Yeah, besides you changing yourself, but you're being an example. So, right, yeah, yeah, see, speaking of, I wanted to bring something up real quick. So I was thinking that, you know, now that you're far away and I'm going to be far away, I know we're going to visit each other a lot, but one of the things that we did while I was in prison was, you know, we got our 15 minute talks, because that's how long I could talk for a phone call, but I, I miss doing that and I think it's important that we do that so we help each other walk through this stuff.
Speaker 2I was, you know, talking to someone the other day and I'm like you know, what's different between like me and her and her teenagers is like, because, even though they live in the same home, they don't talk, right, they don't, they don't. It's interesting, but they don't actually take the time where, with you, over the last five years, while I was in prison, we had 15 minutes. We knew that's all we had, and so we went deep on your stuff, my stuff, everything.
Speaker 1We always got straight to the point because you had to Whatever happened in the last week, how deep and detailed we had to get yeah and if for some reason like that was why it was so painful.
When you know, they retaliated against me and took my phone calls Cause I was like I need to talk to her every day, I need to talk to my daughter, and they're like, yeah, too bad. So but I think that that you know the closeness and relationship we've built over the last, you know, five years because we had the time, even though we didn't have the physical time, we did a lot more. You know talking and going deep connecting a lot of mother daughters.
Speaker 2Do you know in at your age? They're not really. They don't really care to talk to mom too often right, right, or go deep with mom. Mom's just in the background. She's always been there and so it's just something they take for granted. Right and same with parents. They don't know how to get in with their kid and so they just kind of like walk along in the same home, or even you know, when they go to school or whatever. They're just not connected.
Speaker 1Living together does not.
Speaker 2What I'm saying. I don't want to lose that with us, no, especially now that you're far away. So I want to make it so that you and I have our daily phone calls, and now we can FaceTime, which we couldn't before.
Speaker 1And we have this once or twice a week where we have a really nice catch up too.
Speaker 2We do have this, which is really important. There's that as well, yeah. But I get it because but we need to take more time.
Speaker 1There have been days since you got out. There have been a couple times that we've gone like I don't want to say four or five, but maybe a couple times in there that we've gone four or five days without talking and shit's gone down with me that I normally, when you were in prison, you would have called and I would have talked to you and immediately felt better. But I also know that we're both busy.
Speaker 1We've both had yeah, life happens life happens and we're both having a lot of changes recently, big, drastic changes and but we, we can't forget that we are each other's support system. We are like you are my, yeah rock, I am your rock. We need each other. So, yeah, you know, you know what's so? Yeah, well, let's just do a 10-15 minute talk every day, no matter what, even if we already did yeah, yesterday. Let's just get back to that, because that makes me happy.
Speaker 2Yeah, and that's that's and it makes missing you easier. You know, right? Yeah, exactly because I don't. I mean, at least I know what's going on with you, I know you're okay and all that. Yeah, I may still miss you, but it it gives us that connection that we don't lose.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, and I'm I'm grateful because not, I mean, I didn't have you for most of my life but I always knew you were my mom and I loved you as my mom and I was proud to call you my mom. But not a lot of people have that. A lot of people don't have like you. For example, a lot of people do not have healthy mother-daughter relationships and they don't even have a healthy-minded mom and with breaking generational habits.
Speaker 1It is important when you do the work on yourself and reparent yourself, it makes forgiving them and understanding them much easier, them much easier because you realize the work and strength and discipline that it takes to reparent yourself and to change and be better. And you look at that person, you realize how far gone they are, how lost they are and it just you can't help but feel compassion for them, cause. It's like I want to help you. It kind of it's literally makes you feel compassion Like damn, you are so far behind. You just don't understand. You're so disconnected, but I love you and I wish I could help you rather than like cause. If you are doing the work on yourself, you're not resenting people. You know you're more understanding. Yeah.
Speaker 2No, like all that betrayal and stuff and bad shit I used to feel is all gone. You know, I don't feel any of that anymore and I didn't want for you to feel that either. Right, that was my biggest thing is I wanted you to be able to work through your pain, you know, so that you don't feel resentment and anger because you can't. That makes you just stuck completely, completely stuck Right, and I don't want you to ever feel that and, um, so yeah, I don't you to ever feel that and um, like so yeah, I don't, I don't have that anymore for any of my family members or anyone in my life for that matter. I've been able to walk through all that stuff and just let it go well, along with compassion comes self-compassion.
Speaker 1So, not only being compassionate for others, but you have to be patient with yourself and you have to be compassionate with yourself. Like understand, don't be, hey, easier said than done. Don't be so hard on yourself. When you are being harder on yourself, do your best to remember that you are doing your best. You are a good person because bad people don't care about being better. People don't care about being better, they don't care about being better for others or themselves, and all you're worried about is how you can be better. How can you respond better? How can you drop that toxic trait? You are a good person and cut yourself some slack. You are trying, like I said, 90% showing up. If you are showing up, doing the work, trying your hardest, that's all that fucking matters, because you might die tomorrow and you're going to wish that you did your best and tried your best.
Speaker 1Point, blank, period, that's it, right, okay. So I wanted I was today. I was going through all of our SD, all of my SD cards and some thumb drives that I've had since like eighth grade. Okay, right, and I, we have 20 minutes, oh, okay, and one of the thumb drives that I haven't opened since I put stuff on it back in eighth grade eighth grade as in when you and I were not talking um I found some quotes that I had screenshotted and put in there for future me and I was like damn, it's sad and it's triggering.
Speaker 1I'm warning you and I'm warning the viewers, but mostly you. Um, I'm just gonna go through them. But it's crazy that we are talking about all this now and I was feeling all this and saving it for future me in a thumb drive that I don't know. Just the full circle of it is kind of insane, okay, okay, so the first one, and I'll put them up on the screen too. I'm like getting that thing where I talk from my throat. Sick of that. No more of that Belly belly breathing breathing.
Speaker 2Yeah, oh, okay, breathe in to a count of four and breathe out to a count of four.
Speaker 1Okay, all right, nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start to get to gay, really, okay, nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. Okay, that's one. Okay, I didn't put these in order, so it's going to go from really depressing to really not depressing. Second one An alcoholic will steal your wallet and lie to you. A drug addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it what the fuck? Okay your wallet and lie to you. A drug addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it. Okay, this is eighth grade, 13 year old, chloe. Okay, all right, okay. Next one it's literally gonna go like this, I'm sorry. Once upon a time you were a little girl with big dreams that you promised you'd make real one day.
Speaker 2Don't disappoint yourself oh, oh, that's cute.
Speaker 1Okay, next one. We don't need to prepare for the fight. The fight will intuitively come. We need to prepare for. What we need to prepare for is the letting go. So what? You were just talking about Next one Addiction the disease that makes you too selfish to see the havoc you created or care about the people whose lives you shattered. That's it.
Speaker 2That's yeah, I don't necessarily agree with that, because the addict never stops caring, like in there. It hurts so much I can't tell you. I can't tell you that it's. It's never about it Not caring. Okay, yeah, I mean it. It does make you make decisions, bad decisions, right Like that, but you never I mean never stopped caring.
Speaker 1It was so interesting for me to see this today because I forget that I'm human and I was a kid with no mom or dad or family and only living with a narcissist. That wasn't family to me. I didn't consider family. So I remember now seeing these, that I did hit those moments where I was like oh yeah, you were angry, resentful and angry yeah, I know, I mean you always say I never.
Speaker 2You try to say I never was and I'm like, yes, you were and you, but you know, like, but you wanted me back so much that you would never admit it to me, like except for when you, when you were like 11, 13, right after your dad died, you were really angry with me. You wouldn't even talk to me. Yeah, which is understandable Totally, like all of those things are understandable. I never once felt like you know, I did. I feel worse about myself, absolutely, but I never felt like you shouldn't be angry with me. You had every single you know, justification in the world to be angry with me.
Speaker 1Well, on with that point.
Speaker 2The next one.
Speaker 1Being a drug addict isn't nearly as bad as being sober and loving a drug addict. Whether it's a family member, spouse or friend, nothing will screw you up more than being associated with a drug addict. You can't save them, but they can sure as hell destroy you, and they will. Yeah, next one, that sucks, the next one, hey, it's getting real. Dude, to love an addict is to run out of tears.
Speaker 2I was a sad kid, damn so sad. Yeah, you were very sad when I'd call, you would cry and cry and cry.
Speaker 1So here's the thing is I would feel those emotions of like resentment and anger and all these that I'm saving now, or that I saved, but once you answered the phone or once I was with you, all of that would fade because I was back with my mom.
Speaker 2Well, you never called. You, never called me, but I called you Rarely. Yeah, rarely, I know, I know, I know Like very rarely, but yes, but that's the only time we talked was when I called you, and I don't know why if she wouldn't let you call me, or a lot of times. I mean, there was one point where I think every single 619 area code was blocked and so I had to create a fake Google.
Speaker 1Yeah, I don't know if it was her or just the fact that you had multiple trap phones, but there were. It was always a phone number changing too, you know, like your phone number was always changing.
Speaker 2Yeah, but I couldn't call from any number, so I ended up creating a fake Google voice with an 831 number where you were, and that's how I was able to call you.
Speaker 1Yeah, or Facebook. That's the only reason.
Speaker 1I ever had Facebook. Okay, next one. Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason. I love that. This is eighth grade, chloe, and this is everything that we go over now in this podcast. It's crazy, so cute. Ooh, I'm not going to read that one. That's fucked. That one's fucking sad. I'm thankful for my struggle because without it, I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength. I've been like this since day one I've been known. And then here we go. Last one Stop beating yourself up. You are a a work in progress, which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once. Right, that's crazy that. What's the one you didn't read? I don't want to end it on that. Okay, fine, we're being real here and this is us healing, right?
Speaker 2yeah, we're showing the world that it's possible, how you felt, yeah, yeah, and for another child that might feel that way right now, all right ready.
Speaker 1My mother left when I was nine. She chose her drugs, her alcohol, her smoking over me. It wasn't good. I wasn't good enough to make her stay. It's just real, dude. That was, those were real feelings. But you see, did you see how I would fluctuate?
Speaker 2yeah, you know, like yeah, I'm being strong and between being strong yeah so it's so. You did think, you know, and I know you thought how can a child not think that a mother chose drugs over her?
Speaker 1you know well and when the whole like I've been over before the, the, the narcissist that I lived with and all my therapists that she would go talk to first, like everyone around me would convince me of that is that your mom is mentally ill. There's no coming back from it. She's permanently brain damaged. Um, sometimes I'd be told that you don't love me. I'd always be told that you chose drugs over me and there's no helping you.
Speaker 2So, yeah, I was, but I was always mentally fighting, mentally ill stuff, you know, and that is all true. Right, the brain damage, you know was was true, but that does not um anyone that what they should have been doing is helping you to understand addiction. So you didn't blame yourself, you know, and so you understood their sick twisted way of thinking they were helping me.
Speaker 1Not blame myself by blaming it all on you and saying she's mentally ill, forget about her.
Speaker 2But I'm like yeah, but how are you supposed to feel when they tell you that I just chose or that, or that I just chose it over you right, it's still dehumanizing you the way they would go about it.
So yeah, but yeah anyway. So I just had to be really real there for a second because I found those less than an hour. I think it's good that we're doing this yeah, I found those literally less than an hour ago, so I it's so interesting how that was makes me sad.
Speaker 2What's? 22 minus?
Speaker 1that is 13. God here you go 11.
Speaker 222 minus 11. Don't start trying to do math, it's 11. Are you fucking serious?
Speaker 1What the fuck? Okay, you know what. So that's also my problem. I think too hard about everything.
Speaker 2Something so simple. You say that's everything. Yeah, I do too. Yeah.
Speaker 1Every fucking thing Right. Four times four is wait a minute 16. Like I always have to have that stuff. I mean again blessing and a curse, because no matter what I say, I always question it. I have the humbleness to know that I could always be wrong I guess that's a way to put it, but I always question myself. And so with math, something as simple as fucking 22 minus 11, I'm like, and that's why in my actual math class in high school I would do my page, I would take up half of a notes page, with one problem, because I would redo it 17 times and then get confused. Yeah, so that's another thing I have to work on is second guessing myself.
Speaker 1And that comes with confidence, which is a work in progress. Yes so life is just a work in progress. It's 90% showing up, it's 90% how you react to things, 10% how what happens to you.
Speaker 2Okay, and one more thing that I want to express, because it goes hand in hand with all that stuff we were just talking about and situations now. But it's a big part besides just showing up. It's asking for help when you need help right, because in my addiction I always wanted out right. I wanted out so so badly and I didn't know who to ask or where to go for help and I wanted to. So that's huge.
Speaker 2I think if you're an addict out there and you want help, reach out. There's resources, shit. Find me on Instagram, kendra Drysdale on Instagram and I will find you the resources you need to get help, because I know what that feels like to be stuck in your addiction, to want to be home with your child, to have, but have no way to get there and no way to get your child back. And there are ways and there are resources and I'm working to create more resources right now. But I will do anything I can to help another addict because I know how that feels. But I will do anything I can to help another addict because I know how that feels. So and if I had had someone reach out to me and say I can help you get clean and I can help you get back to your child, because that's all I ever fucking wanted.
Speaker 2Anyone that knows me, you've met a bunch of addicts that knew me then and they're like, oh my God, like this is all she fucking talked about. You know, through my whole addiction that's all I talked about was wanting to get back to Chloe, you know, wanting to be with you, and so it's cool that you've got to meet them now and and know that you know, like I I never lost that, I just was. I just didn't know how, like I didn't know how I didn't know where to go for help. So I know there's a bunch of addicts out there. I know there's a bunch of.
Speaker 2I hope this helps people understand. Children are hurting, right, your children are very badly hurting and not understanding, and hopefully you can help them to understand and not hurt so much and then hopefully I can help you know, or we can help addicts that need help to get back to their kids, because it's so important. Like I can just tell you that the hole that was in my heart for so long is now fulfilled. My heart feels full because I have my child back in my life and she's forgiven me and we have such a good connection, and so you can have that too. We love to help.
Speaker 1My camera keeps dying. Yeah, you never have to go through anything alone. I call it what you want, call it Scorpio moon, call it used to it. But I went through everything alone because that's where I felt safe. Unfortunately, in my family, I was the only one I felt safe with and understood and cared about, so I went through everything alone and I mean, granted, it made me super hyper independent. And I mean, granted, it made me super hyper independent. I still crave that attention and love from loved ones, but I still struggle with asking them for help on my problems. I struggle with even telling them about what I'm going through. I just kind of have a hard time. I have a really good poker face, so I have a hard time. Like I don't, I don't know. Yeah, hard time. I have a really good poker face, so I have a hard time. Like I don't, I don't know, yeah, but I'm learning now that it's okay, especially with this fucking podcast to be vulnerable and talk about shit, because there are people.
Speaker 2I mean not only reaching out for help you never know who you can.
Speaker 1My my best friend, taylor, also Scorpio moon. I don't know if that is a coincidence or not, but she and I have pretty not like. We have similar backgrounds and I've never in my life had a friend with any sort of similar background compared to me and Taylor.
Speaker 2So her and I connect. It's really helpful to have someone that can connect with you on that.
Speaker 1It is really important to feel understood it is very important to feel understood and that you are who you surround yourself with. And the thing about Taylor is not only do we relate on so many levels, understand each other on so many levels we support each other and hype each other up and hold each other accountable like nobody's fucking business, Like holy shit. She she's the hardest worker I know and she motivates me to be the best version of myself, to keep working on myself. When she goes through a really dark place, which she has been recently, she feels safe to come to me and I feel safe to go to her when I need someone. Um, yeah, so it's really important to have friends and people like that, even if it isn't coming from family. So, um, just be very aware of who you surround yourself with, because you are who you surround yourself with. Like your circle is a direct reflection of who you are. So I am so grateful for you, Taylor. If you're fucking watching this, I know you are, Um.
Speaker 1I love you, I appreciate you I don't know what I would do without you, and you have taught me so much about myself and life and you have just mainly showed me that you do not have to walk this life alone. So appreciate you so much and I love you. I love you, dog, and we have the same sense of humor and same music taste. It's fucking awesome.
Speaker 2Like she's just great, that's great, yeah, okay, I have a question. What is in your ears? They're little swords cute. They remind me of your dad. Yep, me too. He collected.
Speaker 1He collected swords and knives yeah, I don't think I said this. Did I say this, maybe on a failed podcast, but there was a. My dad was addicted to crystal meth one of his many hobbies and when you are addicted to crystal meth, it makes you addicted or hyper fixated on something. So I went over to his house for Christmas, um, for like seven to 10, seven days, eight days, I don't know. And he spent we did talk on the.
Speaker 2I don't know if it was on the air though.
Speaker 1Anyway, whatever, I think so Maybe not.
Speaker 1I'll make it short. But yeah, he, he got so hyper fixated on sharpening this machete that he had in the garage. He spent my entire like eight to nine day vacation there. He was in the garage and I was not allowed to obviously go in the garage because that's where he did his drugs and his sharpenings and all that stuff, so I didn't even get to spend time with the guy. Whatever, let's hope I'm in focus, okay. So anyway, I went.
Speaker 1I went into the garage. He's like come on, kids, come in, come and look at this. And he stacked up 10 cardboard boxes on top of each other. He got up on a step stool, dropped his machete and it just clean, sliced through all 10 boxes and hit the ground. That's how long he had been sharpening for and he claimed he was selling it to a buyer, a client. Oh my God, no, he just needed something to hyper fixate on and he loved knives and swords. I found that out. I realized that years later because I was just super sus. But yeah, I was selling it. Yeah, I'm selling it. I'm selling it. Yeah, okay, okay, sounds good. Whatever, dad, good story yeah.
Speaker 1I forget why I brought that up. Oh, knives, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I asked about the earrings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love them.
Speaker 2They're cute, that's cute. Dad would be proud.
Speaker 1I think we've established that he was a hitman, we don't know who for, but he preferred to use knives, so over guns or anything else, so, anyway, anyway, what a good episode, right, let's, let's. I have to go to work in like three minutes, but yeah, that was a good episode. I hope nothing went wrong except for the second camera, but it's okay.
Speaker 2I get to go speak at a treatment center for women tonight. I'm really excited. It's actually transitional housing, so they're coming out of prison and to transitional living into a program and I get to go share my story. I'm really excited, yay, mom.
Speaker 1Let me know how it goes. I will. You're a professional public speaker, motivational speaker, now I do a lot of it, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2Okay, great, a lot of it All right?
Speaker 1Well, thank you for watching. If you, if I know you, I love you. If I don't know you, I love you too. We love you, right?
Speaker 2Yes, we definitely love all of you and hope we taught you something or you learned something from our nonsense.
Speaker 1We hope we at least made you feel something, because feeling is good, yeah, all right well I'm glad you shared that with me, chloe, even though I know you don't like to because it was deep and uncomfortable, gonna hurt me. But yeah, but it's not random.
Speaker 2I already know how much I hurt you and I can't change it.
Speaker 1I can only change today yeah, right, well, thank you so much for everything, mom, and I'm really grateful where we're at now, so I am too.
Speaker 2We're just showing the world that it's possible.
Speaker 1I love you so much and I will talk to you again tomorrow. Okay, and for the viewers, we will see you. Bye, everyone. We'll see you next Friday. Peace.