It Starts at Vagus: Holistic Tips to Manage Stress and Anxiety

Melissa K.'s Stress & Anxiety Journey

• Emily Feist • Season 1 • Episode 21

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The path to healing often begins when we feel safe—when our nervous system can finally relax and let down its guard. In this intimate conversation, I sit down with my dear friend and fellow massage therapist Melissa Kary to explore the transformative power of therapeutic touch for trauma survivors.

Melissa opens up about her own unexpected battle with anxiety. Despite being a wellness professional, she initially fought her diagnosis "tooth and nail," believing she had nothing to be anxious about with a solid marriage and thriving children. When medication left her feeling numb, she discovered something that changed everything: vagus nerve reset techniques.

"I did what you asked me to do and listened to your podcast... it worked instantly," she reveals, describing how simple three-minute exercises helped her regain control of her nervous system when nothing else worked. Now able to focus on reading, enjoy family time, and be fully present, Melissa's story illuminates how we can make anxiety "work for us" rather than against us.

Whether you're struggling with anxiety, processing trauma, or simply seeking a deeper understanding of how our bodies respond to stress, this conversation offers practical wisdom and hope. The vagus nerve—our body's built-in reset button—provides a pathway back to ourselves that requires no special equipment, just a few minutes of intentional focus.

Grab my free vagus nerve reset video in the show notes to experience the simple technique that's helping people find calm in just minutes a day. Your wellness journey starts at vagus.

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Emily Feist:

Welcome to It Starts at Vagus, where holistic health meets modern living through the lens of a massage therapist and that's me. I'm Emily, and I am a neuromuscular massage therapist who works directly with the nervous system to help people relax their muscles and calm their minds. I'm here to guide you in unlocking the philosophy of the vagus nerve, the body's ultimate key to calm, connection and overall well-being. If stress, anxiety or burnout have you feeling stuck, you're in the right place.

Emily Feist:

Before we start, if you could do me a huge favor and hit that subscribe button. It encourages me to continue to make podcast episodes and I can't tell you how much it helps when you hit that like and subscribe button. We currently have listeners in over 130 cities and as the show gets bigger, we can expand the podcast, bring in guests and continue to support your wellness, because I want this podcast to continue to be worth listening to and help people all over the world get stress and anxiety relief. Naturally, thank you to everyone who has already subscribed. I truly appreciate it. Now take a deep breath and let's explore how we can use our nervous system to support our bodies.

Emily Feist:

Today we have a fun special bonus guest, and that is my dear friend, Melissa Kary.

Emily Feist:

Hi everybody, hi Emily, hello, hello.

Emily Feist:

So Melissa and I met back in massage school long time ago it was. It was so much fun and the funny part was I don't feel like we really connected in school, not really, no, no, it was after

Emily Feist:

.

Melissa Kary:

It was very much, well, not very much after, just like a couple of months after, I think. Yeah, mm-hmm.

Emily Feist:

Yeah, but it's just been so fun to see our careers blossom together and then separate, and yet still connecting.

Melissa Kary:

Very much so. Yeah, it's been a fun ride. A little bumpy ride, personal, but more fun than anything. Learning yes.

Emily Feist:

Yes, it's super fun. So why don't we just start out by telling us about your massage therapy journey?

Melissa Kary:

Okay, Well, it started with Emily. Actually, we were business partners, we worked opposite each other and I think, beginning I was pretty awful, like as far as touch went. And then the building part. I guess I wasn't really prepared for the building and how hard I thought, like you know, if you build it, it's gonna come, it's gonna happen. So it was very probably like an emotional roller coaster. You know, like you had to prove yourself and that did not come easy to me, especially um 16 years later. I love it and I I absolutely like every not every day, but like as time goes on, I love it. And I absolutely like every not every day, but like as time goes on, I love it even more. That's so awesome.

Emily Feist:

It's so helpful to calm down the body and mind. Yes, and just so we can get some clarification for people who don't know you, you are talking to building your massage therapy practice, not just like building, building, yes, yes, my practice talking to building your massage therapy practice, not just like building.

Melissa Kary:

Building, yes, yes, my practice.

Emily Feist:

No, let's go who do you help?

Melissa Kary:

Who are your main clients? So my main clients are people that have a lot of chronic type of pain or ailments like MS, that have a lot of chronic type of pain or ailments like MS, fibromyalgia, arthritis, not so much cancerous patients, automotive accidents, people going through touch therapy because of trauma, sexual abuse, sexual history. So I work with a lot of psychiatrists in reference to rehabilitation for kids and adults as well.

Emily Feist:

Yeah, that is a lot. You have a lot of different people, a lot of different people.

Melissa Kary:

It is, it's a very broad clientele so it's very different with person to person.

Emily Feist:

Very personalized, yeah, yes, so I'm just going to again back up a little bit. So you work with some clients that really have to relearn what a positive touch is yes, yes, and I feel like that, especially working with sexual trauma that you really do need to relearn and rediscover in a safe area. Again, we're going to talk about how to calm the vagus nerve, and one of the vagus nerve tips is to do something where you feel safe and can do it repeatedly so that you can get comfortable and put your guard down, and I think massage therapy is amazing for that.

Melissa Kary:

Yes. So we start with a 15 minute session and then we work on maybe just like the hands or the feet, and then we just kind of ever and then like 30 minutes and kind of gradually increase our time frame, gradually increase what area of the body that I'm working on? At first it's fully clothed, it's a lot of talking, building confidence and things like that. Trust, of course. So, and sometimes, like if it's a child, their parents can come and sit in the room. Sometimes they ask not to, which is a very fine line. Again, sometimes we have to take a little bit of not so much risk, but, as far as comfort goes, we kind of have to work outside of the lines when it comes to, you know, that kind of stuff, because it's about the person, not about me or their parent at that time, but it's really about the person.

Emily Feist:

That we're working with Absolutely, and especially for working with other professionals where they're like this. Let's just say, a child needs protected in a certain way and we can still take other precautions. Again, when you're starting out, if they're fully clothed, you know the door open. It's very safe, secure and still allows the child to feel comfortable.

Melissa Kary:

Yes.

Emily Feist:

Yes, it's working within the parameters of reality, it's true. It's true. Oh yeah, there's the ideal way, like in the perfect cookie cutter spot. This is where it'd be, but other times it's just like, well, okay, that's ideal. But if, yeah, let's say, a person doesn't want the door closed, maybe that makes them feel claustrophobic. Okay, well, here's some options that we can work with it. So it's really just learning how to make the person feel safe and secure so that their body can rest and relax.

Melissa Kary:

Right, right. And then sometimes they're concerned about if other people, like within the office, do they know why I'm here? Yeah, you know, or am I going to be talked about, and things like that? No, they don't, because they don't need to know. But so I just make sure that I'm very upfront about what we're going to do. If we're going to talk, you know things like that, and if they want to you know, yes, so that's.

Emily Feist:

The other thing is, when we build that communication, we can say, hey, this, this is what we plan on, but you can change it, like, if you decide to stop early, that's fine.

Melissa Kary:

Exactly, yeah, yep, yep, that's true, yeah, and some people have and even like small things to like adjusting the music. You know, maybe they want to listen to their type of music. I mean, I've massaged to ACDC, which was hard because I know all the songs and so I wanted to kind of like dance or sing, and you can't do that sometimes, but I wanted to, you know. So I had to remind myself okay, slow down. You know, there's a reason why we're doing this this way, which is out of my element. So it can be kind of fun sometimes, but just kind of like repurposing what I'm doing.

Emily Feist:

Absolutely. And again, that's just working with a client and it teaches the client how to advocate for themselves. That's a hard skill to learn sometimes.

Melissa Kary:

Yes, very much so, especially for young children. You know, they think like I'm adult so I know everything or whatever. And that's not true. You know and you know and they ask me why. But I can also ask them why and things like that. But we do talk about boundaries and things like that. So that's why when we go into the session there, it's very like upfront, there's no surprises, and things like that.

Emily Feist:

Absolutely so. I agree with you on all that. Tell me about how they feel after their session.

Melissa Kary:

Sometimes I can feel a little bit emotional because, or like they've kind of put themselves in a vulnerable position and I'm still technically a stranger, so just kind of they feel like I can't believe I let you touch my hand or my arm, or you know what I mean. Although we do baby steps, sometimes baby steps are still too fast, so they can be emotional. Sometimes they're upset. You know, like I had one person just kind of start using profound language and I was like you know what? That's cool, you can yell all you want, it is okay. But I'm just going to sit here and I'm just going to let you or just kind of absorb whatever you're going to throw at me right now and I'll say something like you know what, I will never make you cry, but I will sit here and cry with you, because that's pretty much that's what I do anyway when somebody starts crying. So, but so it just kind of depends.

Melissa Kary:

You know, we kind of change as people kind of change and open up and things like that, or they ask me personal questions and before I used to be like no, no, can't bring my family into my office, you know things like that. And then I thought why not? You know, yes, I have children. So that way it thought why not? You know, yes, I have children. So that way it's like it's not really indulging of personal information, it's connecting it is.

Emily Feist:

It's all about connecting, and that connection builds trust. It does.

Melissa Kary:

Yes, so. So again, some people are emotional, Some people get angry and some people were like why was I so? Why did I have so much anxiety? Or why did I didn't want to do this Like this is a comfortable environment. I feel safe. I never thought I would feel safe or comfortable with another person, especially somebody they didn't know, you know. So they're very surprised in their reactions. Yep.

Emily Feist:

And it's kind of an area where everything, any reaction, is an okay one, because if they walk in or they come out and they're just chill and calm, you're like, yay, you're relaxed. And if they're processing through some things on, why do I feel better after being touched by pretty much a stranger? Yeah, no, it's just, it really depends on how traumatic and how deep it has to go through. That's true For general speaking. I think most people just feel relief, yes, that they can feel safe, that they can have their nervous system settle down. So, yes, there are the more extreme ones, but it's very common to have that sense of just being Right when they get, to start feeling like themselves.

Melissa Kary:

They do yeah, like yeah. And how quick sometimes, how quickly it happens. Yeah, yeah, like yeah. And how quick sometimes, how quickly it happens. Yeah, you know that they don't have to have, you know, 13 or 14 sessions, that usually within the first three sessions they're able to kind of come in and relax and be like, okay, I'm ready, let's do this. Or I had a little boy come in once and he comes in and he's like I'm ready for my massage. Melissa and I said, okay, he was so excited and so I told him what to do. I let he laid down on the table and he's like I'm ready for my massage. Melissa and I said, okay, he was so excited, and so I told him what to do. He laid down on the table and he puts his arms back and he crosses his legs and he's like all right, I'm ready. And I'm like cool, he's ready. I love this kid.

Emily Feist:

He's ready, he's going to be amazing at being able to talk about his body, talk about his feelings, like he is connecting with his own self. Yes, that is so fun. Yes, yes, it was a good time. That's a great, that's a great one. Yeah, yeah. Well, I've previously shared in my own personal journey about times where I'm anxious and how I just it surprised me that I'm anxious or stressed Cause I'm like I'm a massage therapist, like we sit in a dim lit room with nice sounds Like. Why on earth am I the stressed one? Yeah, yeah, and it's because life. Yeah, I just wanted to open up the door to see if you wanted to share your personal experience.

Melissa Kary:

Well, anxiety is a crazy thing. I was actually just diagnosed with anxiety. When was it? About a year and a half ago?

Melissa Kary:

And I was shocked when the doctor came and said have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety? And I said no. And he said well, do you with anxiety? And I said no. And he said well, do you have anxiety? And I said no. And he said tell me why you don't have anxiety. And I said because I know what anxiety is and I know people that have anxiety and I've never had any of those feelings or thoughts or emotions or anything remotely close to what they have experienced or anything remotely close to what they have experienced. And he said let's stop talking about other people and start focusing on you and the way that you're feeling. And so I kind of started telling him. He said you explain heart palpitations and I said yes. And he said when did that start? And I said as long as I can remember, probably into my childhood, and he said what does it feel like? I said I wake up and I can feel my heart and it's beating very quickly and there's no reason behind it. So that can't be anxiety.

Emily Feist:

No, not at all. Not at all.

Melissa Kary:

And then he said okay, tell me another reason why you don't think you have anxiety. And I said because I have nothing to be anxious about. Me and my husband have been married at that time 27 years. It's in the best position it's ever been. I said I have three kids. One was just about getting married, one was married and the other one was graduating high school. So these are prime times in their life. I have nothing to be anxious about. I'm excited for them, for what's to come, okay. And so we kind of talked about other things and it was like I didn't even want to listen to him. Yeah, I started getting kind of upset, like how dare you tell me I have anxiety? It took me conversations with you, conversations with my family, things like that, to realize that I do have it and I've had it a long time and I didn't want to. I fought it tooth and nail.

Melissa Kary:

I became very, almost like a different person Very secluded. I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to be around people, I didn't want to go out to eat, I just kind of wanted to lay around and sleep because I didn't want to think about anything else. I started worrying about things my 80-year-old parents could possibly be worrying about. Were they worrying about them? I don't know. I was worrying about what they were worrying about. I had feelings of unworthiness, like I didn't deserve things, that I wasn't a good person. I wasn't a good mom, wife, massage therapist. I didn't deserve this clientele that I had built. It became almost not impossible to go from day to day, but just very evident that I was changing. Yeah, and there had to have been a reason why I was changing. And it was because of that dreaded word that, to this day, I do not like, because it makes me very uncomfortable. Yeah, I also feel like I am sometimes. I still feel unworthy, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to make anxiety work for me. Hey, because why?

Emily Feist:

not Exactly, why not Right?

Melissa Kary:

Like I've already tried the medication route. Yeah, it made me very numb and I honestly liked that place because I knew the alternative. However, it was.

Melissa Kary:

The numbness was good until it wasn't Like I wanted to feel. But I couldn't feel. It just wouldn't allow me to feel. And that's when I reached out and they increased my dose, which was not a good fit for me either. It was like this little girl inside of me was screaming to get out and I could not listen to her. So again it was me against me, and so I took myself off the medication as per doctor's instructions, like that every day, every other day, that kind of thing and got off, and still it takes a while for it to kind of get out of your system.

Melissa Kary:

The symptoms came back more quick than I wanted them to. But there again it's like concept of thinking and you and I have had a lot of conversations in reference to self-talk and self-care and things like that, and again it's like okay, if I have anxiety, I need to make anxiety work for me. Mm-hmm, it's a bad place to be in. It does affect everybody around you because they know they see it. They see your change. I didn't see my change until I did, and it wasn't a good change, you know. So I started.

Melissa Kary:

I think you and I started communicating a little bit more during that time and I started communicating a little bit more during that time, almost daily, I feel like yeah, for a while and kind of what to do and and things like that. And then you and I had talked about the vagus nerve just very recently actually, like just before your podcast started. Yeah, and I did it. Yeah, did I did what you had asked me to do and I listened to your podcast and I did the techniques and it worked instantly. Isn't that just so cool? Yes, like so cool.

Melissa Kary:

And then I started reaching or researching the vagus nerve. Yes, because nobody ever talks about it. No, and then I think why isn't this in the headlines, you know? Because what isn't the vagus nerve responsible for in the body, I know. And then I wanted, I wanted more. I became almost obsessed with it and I wanted to see how else it could help me. Be me, do I still have anxiety? I'm going to say, yes, yeah, but I know how to control it. Yes, in my benefit, because it kind of makes me be at peace to know that I am my own worst enemy.

Emily Feist:

Yeah, right, aren't we all?

Melissa Kary:

Yes that nobody that I know of sometimes dislikes me more than me. Nobody pushes me more than I push me. So the expectation is high and the bar is high, but I also know that I can do it. You can and you are and I am, I am. I am living proof that I am yes.

Emily Feist:

And now you can feel those feelings and you can feel life, and it's it's not a numbing effect, no, it's not. It's pain-free, it's just, it's so. I don't. I don't want to say like magical, but it's just so. I can't even think of the word. That's just on the tip of my tongue. How amazing it is when you can just hack into the vagus nerve it is yes and like to be.

Melissa Kary:

I know people say, oh, pleasure, it's such a bad word. You know what it's not. It's a very good word. To be able to feel pleasure is amazing it is and to give yourself pleasure is amazing too. By learning more about yourself and just to know that you're perfectly capable of doing these things on your own, on your own time. All you need to do is just set aside just literally like less than three minutes of time to prove to yourself that you still got it inside. Yeah, isn't that just so fun yes.

Melissa Kary:

It's just right there. It is right there, and I'm a you know me, I'm a big person about like want to do something, while it's like, do I have to put pants on Cause I don't want to put pants on, and you don't even have to do it with pants on. I mean, it's not a requirement? Oh, it is not a requirement. So that's why I was like all in, you know.

Emily Feist:

That's so funny. Yes, yes, it's kind of like once you get your pajamas on, you don't like your home and your set you don't need anything else?

Melissa Kary:

Yes, yes.

Emily Feist:

It is good to be home. It is, it is. So let me ask you what is one of your favorite ways that you reset your vagus nerve?

Melissa Kary:

I love doing the exercises that you taught me, and the very first one about laying down and doing the eye movement. Yeah, our focusing um, that one was my favorite. I think I did it every day for one week, yes, yes, and then stretching, but my calm down is reading and I read. I'm able to focus on a book now, which I haven't done ever, ever so right away when I get up in the morning, I read, and then right before I go to bed, I read again, and so it's just kind of like me getting out of my own head into this world of, I don't know, mystery or whatever I'm having. I love mystery, so it's a mysterious world and you can kind of take your brain wherever it wants to go in that moment because of a book.

Emily Feist:

yeah, yes, guiding it, I am guiding it, yes, good, but being able to focus, that's a big thing, because brain fog is a very real thing. That is terrible it is, and for me it's usually like going in and out of a room and I'm like I either completely forgot or I got something else and I thought I grabbed it.

Melissa Kary:

Yes, yes, my mom was here. She's 81. And she goes. You know what I just started doing? I just started going into a room and can't remember why I went. And I'm like I just started going into a room and can't remember why I went, and I'm like I just started doing that. What do you mean? Wow? I've been doing that for a while. Yeah, you just started, okay.

Emily Feist:

So, so, yeah, it's just funny. But yeah, to be able to read and concentrate, it seems so, so simple. You know you're like, well, now I can read a book and that sounds just like the easiest little thing. But when it's not there, it is yes.

Melissa Kary:

And then being able to like my. One of the things that I still kind of hinder in the back of my mind is being able to focus. My daughter just got married about almost well, it's a year and a half ago and I was kind of going through that time in my life where I didn't feel like I was enough, so I did not get to have a lot of joy during that time or be present. So I kind of you know really hard on myself about that. But now I probably tell myself at least 60 times a day, even during massage, like be present, be present, please, let me be present, and I still do that. So a lot of self-talk.

Melissa Kary:

But I'm able to enjoy like family time where before I always felt like I was disassociating myself, I wasn't worthy of this family time or laughing or this experience or love. You know what I mean. And so now I can sit there, have a conversation, remember the conversation and be fully present and just take these moments because they're going so fast. I'm so happy for you, thank you. I'm so happy that you and I still maintained our friendship and we're both going down different avenues but we're still coming together. I know it's so much fun yes.

Emily Feist:

My friendship with you.

Melissa Kary:

It's been.

Emily Feist:

It's been so much fun because, for those of you who don't know us, we had our massage practices in the same room. We shared a room and then you moved to Arizona for a while. I stayed in South Dakota. Right about the time you said, hey, I'm moving back to South Dakota. I'm like I'm moving to Arkansas. Yeah, it's just been a really fun friendship. It's been so much fun. What's your favorite self-care thing aside from Vegas? Nerve.

Melissa Kary:

Taking at least 10 minutes a day for myself, whether it's just laying on the table between clients and just listening to music. Sometimes I do like a hypnotist podcast and just lay there. It's just it kind of refocuses and recenters myself. Self-care means different things to different people, so finding what really can make you smile or just kind of what makes your heart happy, whether it's gardening or whatever but those are a couple of things that just really speak to me. I'm putting my phone down and just kind of disconnecting with that space. So when I'm laying there I'm actually disconnecting with all the space. It's just me in my dark room with music that I really enjoy listening to. So that is kind of my go-to.

Emily Feist:

You have like a little mini break, when possible.

Melissa Kary:

Yes, definitely yes. So it used to be eating probably like six cookies in a row. Um used to bring me great joy, but not. I can't do that anymore.

Emily Feist:

I was sitting in a dark, quiet room by yourself.

Melissa Kary:

Yes, I guess I've become or transitioned or whatever you want to say, oh, that's great.

Emily Feist:

Yeah Well, thank you so very much, Melissa. I really appreciate you taking your time and sharing your story with us.

Melissa Kary:

Absolutely Always. It's great to be here. I'm so excited for this and, yeah, my wish came true and yeah my wish came true.

Emily Feist:

All right, well, thank you everyone for listening. I really appreciate you taking your time throughout your day. Yes, and breathe and do something that makes you feel happy.

Melissa Kary:

Yes, thank you so much, emily, for asking me to come. Happy 20th video or podcast.

Emily Feist:

Yes, I just did that.

Melissa Kary:

Yes, and April is stress awareness month, so it's yeah, great to drive.

Emily Feist:

dive into that. Thank you for being my first guest and talking about your stress and anxiety Rollercoaster. Have a great day everyone. Thank you Bye. Thanks for listening to it. Starts at Vegas. New episodes are released every Tuesday. If you liked this episode, go ahead and give it a subscribe button so that you get notifications and don't miss out on what's coming next. If you'd like a step-by-step video on how to do a pain-free and easy vagus nerve exercise, grab my free vagus nerve reset video in the show notes. It's what I do when I feel like I just not like myself. Until next time, remember, wellness starts at vagus.

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