Why Modern Relationships Struggle With Expectations

Join Dr. Pete and Aaron Gilbert as they explore the demands placed on modern relationshps. Aaron has spent years helping people navigate relationships, communication, and emotional connection with honesty, compassion, and insight. Aaron Gilbert is the founder of Boston Evening Therapy and a respected voice in the world of couples counseling & modern relationships.

Whether he’s helping couples reconnect, guiding individuals through life’s challenges, or sharing practical wisdom about emotional health, Aaron brings a thoughtful and refreshingly real perspective to the conversation. 

Learn more about Aaron here: 
https://bostoneveningtherapy.com/therapist/aaron-gilbert-licsw/

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Hello and welcome back to On Air with Dr. Pete. I'm your host, Dr. Pete Econamo. And as always, it's a pleasure and thank you for being here. Today we're joined by someone who has spent years helping navigate relationships, communication, and emotional connection with honesty, compassion, and insight. Aaron Gilbert is the founder of Boston Evening Therapy and respected voice in the world of couples, counseling, and modern relationships. So we are here today to talk about that. And what he does is helping couples reconnect, guiding individuals through life's challenges, and sharing practical wisdom about emotional health. So Aaron, welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_02 0:52

Thank you, Dr. Pete. It's a pleasure to be with you.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

So we often get asked to do more shows on couples counseling, especially lately. You know, I think it's post-COVID. You see it, we see a lot of this. So I'm really excited. So

Why Couples Therapy Is Surging

SPEAKER_00 1:05

share with a little background about yourself for our listeners.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Yeah, um, well, I started uh Boston Evening Therapy Associates 20 years ago, and we've grown into a Massachusetts-based practice. We serve clients across the state, and we have a large number of clinicians now with us with all different kinds of specializations, uh, areas of interest and focus. But um, but absolutely 100% dedicated to providing the best and most meaningful uh psychotherapy and counseling possible.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Amazing.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

Um, yes, there has been uh I have noticed a tremendous uptick in requests for couples therapy.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Uh what drew what drew you to working with what drew couples?

SPEAKER_02 1:55

Well, um I work with uh all wide range of of people, and couples are relationships are often really primary in what people are looking to improve and looking to find more peace and um understanding in their lives. So it's a natural kind of progression to I think individual therapy as well.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 2:21

I don't see them necessarily you know, it's interesting. I don't I've come over the years to not see them as being very distinct, very separate. Uh I think that couples therapy is really it's about the relationship, of course, but it's also I think it's more about two individuals with individual expectations, individual needs, and individual strengths and weaknesses and fears and hopes. And so, you know, I don't we all bring ourselves to any relationship we're in, right? And of course, the most important relationship we'll ever have is the one we have with ourselves because it most greatly impacts our quality of life, and it also

Social Media And Relationship Pressure

SPEAKER_02 3:09

most greatly impacts our how we relate to others.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

How do you how do you think the modern life has affected relationships? Modern life like social media, technology, all the things that's kind of changed over the 20 years that you've been in practice.

SPEAKER_02 3:23

Yeah. Um well, yeah, I think that there's maybe a lot more sort of expectation of kind of immediate gratification, or things should work out naturally, that there shouldn't need to be a lot of sacrifice or compromise necessarily. That I think social media is clearly shows how everybody else is doing it right, and what's wrong with you that you're not doing it right, as great as as we are in our 'cause my relationship is awesome, and I'm gonna post my vacation, I'm gonna post how much I love my partner, all that stuff, yeah. Yeah, we renewed our vows in the south of France, and why aren't you doing the same thing? Uh so yeah, so I think there's a lot of that for sure.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

What are some of the issues that you see? So like are there like specific issues that that typical typical couples present with these days?

SPEAKER_02 4:21

You know, I I think that um the kind of the well the the kind of kind of joke I tell myself a little bit is or sometimes to the couples too, is that um I I want to always be alert of this kind of framing where uh it's not gonna be said this way, but just to make a point. You know, this person is supposed to make me happy, I'm not happy, so what's wrong with them? I think that yeah, it's it's a it's a it's usually kind of presented in the focus of poor communication or lack of trust or shared vision. But I do think that in working with couples, I I I try to focus in on what each individual needs, what each individual is lacking. And I I also am curious with asking couples, what can they do for themselves to make the relationship better? Not necessarily what they need to change, but what can they, what perspective shift might they initiate without the need of the other person doing anything different to help make things better, to help make their sense of the relationship more solid, more healthy.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

Is there a theoretical framework that you you know think about? I hear you talk a lot about the individuals, I keep thinking about EFT and wondering if there's like a model that you use.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Yeah, yeah, I like uh emotional freedom therapy, uh the the idea

Your Partner Is Not The Fix

SPEAKER_02 5:58

that of looking inward and finding finding freedom within ourselves, and that that is I do I do believe in that quite a bit. Yeah, I I think that I would say it's it's clear, largely a question of expectations. You know, what exactly are you expecting? And I think that, as I say, that's the part of the joke, is like you're this person is supposed you're supposed to make me happy. No, it's really not. I like to think of a great relationship as being like a you know, delicious kind of a great spice or sauce or something that's added to the entree, added to the meal, but it's not the meal itself. You know, we all have a responsibility to, you know, to be our best friend and to be our best support and to make ourselves as happy as possible. And, you know, the person we're with, I think that the thing that I love about that is uh maybe some people are listening to this and hearing that as well, that's kind of defeatist, you know, that's kind of like that's not a very high bar, and that's not expecting much of a relationship. I think the irony is that when you have fewer expectations of like, you know, like this person is supposed to make me happy, that's a pretty high expectation. If you don't have that expectation and it's much different, it's much more attainable, then you're much more able to find the joy in the small things or in this, in the in the limited times in which you feel completely in sync with this person.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:32

You know, if I'm looking to if I'm looking for this person to give me everything I need, then I'm pretty much gonna have the expectation that we're gonna be right in sync all the time or almost all the time. And that's gonna, that's a recipe for failure because that's not gonna happen. Yeah, but if I don't have that level of expectation and I know that I'm already able to give myself what I need, then even if we're in sync a minority of the time, that I can find the joy in that much more.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you focus a lot on expectations, kind of syncing people up together. One of the things for EFT emotionally focused therapy from Sue Johnson, kind of thinking about like attachment styles and some of that

Change Starts With The Individual

SPEAKER_00 8:18

type of stuff. So it sounds like um I I it brings a question to mind. So do you think people can change? You think people have the capacity to change within a relationship?

SPEAKER_02 8:26

Yeah, I mean, I think that that's critical. I mean, uh it's it's I think that it's it's necessary. And I think that that first idea is to be able to understand how they can change in relationship to themselves, to each each person to themselves. And as that change happens, I think change in the relationship will naturally ensue. I I think that, you know, because you working backwards, if you don't, I mean, if there's no change within me, but we we agree to change certain dynamics in the relationship. I'll do this differently, you do that differently, um, you say this when you come home from work and not that. If we make these little behavioral adjustments but don't make a change internally within each of the pr each of the individuals, then that's that's not, I don't think, going to have to work. Yeah. Over the it's it's it's going to it's going to fail because what we're not looking yeah,

Deep Listening That Heals

SPEAKER_02 9:35

we're we're looking for a change in how we experience the world and ourselves within the context of the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 9:41

I always find that like listening is a skill and something that I work on a lot with the clients that I I work with. And I wonder, like, what do you think about listening as it pertains to working with couples for one couple to the other, or just even the role of the clinician that's kind of helped navigate the the couple?

SPEAKER_02 9:57

Yeah, I think that's a great um that's a great point. And I do think that in general, in therapy, listening is is the most important piece. And you know, again, I'm I'm sort of putting myself in the shoes of somebody in your audience, and they might say, Oh, that's what is yeah, duh. I mean, that's listening. That's not that what is that? Yeah, what's the significance of that? But, you know, there's listening and there's listening. I mean, it's I think the the greatest thing that can come out of therapy generally, not just couples, but is to have a person feel that they've truly been deeply and fully heard, that their story, their perspective has been fully taken in and understood and been considered deeply in a non-judgmental way. And that's uh and that's where healing really starts. And I guess you can model it in in couples therapy as well. You can having the one inside of the couple experiencing you listening to them for the first time and hearing their story, even if you've heard it a million times. Yeah. But having you hear it for the perhaps for the first time, giving it uh in in and framing it in a new way and with a new perspective can be illuminating, I think.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

Yeah, it has a big impact on,

Small Practices For More Connection

SPEAKER_00 11:23

you know, that's why it could be such a small thing. So I'd love to hear you say that. One of the things we like to do for listeners is to give them some kind of tools or tips. Um, I wonder if you have any small practices that couples could work on to feel more connected.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

Well, again, I guess I'm a bit of a broken record on this, but I think the first thing that I would say to each person who is considering couples therapy is to have the relief immediately to know that as they're working on themselves, they're working on the couple, on the relationship. So that, like if you have a couples therapy session coming up for the first time and it's coming up in a week, you might ask yourself, you know, what can I do for myself to put me in the best place to benefit from this session? Yeah, not like what, you know, is my partner gonna do anything positive so that we can go into this in a good frame of mind, you know, or what can I ask her or he to do to give us a better chance to have this work? You know? Yeah. What can I give to myself? How can I how can I increase my own emotional well-being, you know, 10% in this in this week?

SPEAKER_00 12:41

What would be some strategies around that? Like so for me, it would be like some kind of mindfulness thing, some self-care, some strategy that helps you improve your well-being, because ideally that's gonna the more my well-being is improved as an individual, that impacts my you know, the couple. So, do you help people kind of determine what things might improve that?

SPEAKER_02 13:01

I think, yeah, my suggestion would be, and it sort of comes individual by individual, but like examining what are the what are the focus points in my life that I know to be genuinely good? How can I accentuate those? What are the things, what are my values, what do I think are the things that make my life meaningful? What are the things that I like best about myself, or what are the things that I know to be healthy in my life? Identifying just, and that can be for different people, that can be different things. Like it might be going to I know going to the gym is a good thing for me. I know that taking a hike in the sunshine with my dog is a good thing for me. It's it I don't know how how important it is in the scheme of life. Am I saying it's more important than my marriage? No, I'm not saying that, but I'm saying that I know it is a positive for me. Let me do, let me make sure to do these positive things. Exactly. I know I may also know that the way I talk to myself in my mind is can be very negative.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

And I know that that puts me in a bad frame of mind. Can I address that? Can I can I consciously do less of that? Can I change some of that narrative this week?

SPEAKER_00 14:29

Yeah, I love that idea. One of the things that comes to mind for

Conflict Without Trying To Win

SPEAKER_00 14:32

me as you're saying that is people probably listening at home think if they argue it's like a bad thing, or I see that a lot in my work. I wonder what you do to like help people find healthy ways to navigate disagreements and uh partnerships.

SPEAKER_02 14:43

Yeah, I think that yeah, that the that well, that's that's tough, and that gets into the place where, you know, and there's two different things in couples therapy, too. There's the aspirational things, like how can we make this better? Um, and then there's the crisis things, like where we're in this horrible fight, and all we just need to find a way to have détente or to to a little bit of cooling down. So it gets to be, you know, if it gets to be sort of close to a crisis, then you're in damage control. But I think that again, a way to think about conflict is that to remind ourselves that like all I'm responsible for in this conflict is what I bring to it, how I deal with it, how I respond to it.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

Some like some got some Gottman method stuff, like where you kind of use a lot of first person, making sure people identify their role in the dynamic.

SPEAKER_02 15:44

Yeah, yeah. And that's I I am not responsible for what comes back. And how can I come away from this feeling good about myself? You know, sometimes going into a conflict, or as you're feeling a conflict evolve, merge, there's an immediate sense of like, how can this come out that I either win, quote unquote, quote unquote win, right, or get the other person to understand and agree with what I'm saying, get them to see the error of their ways, outcome focused.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

That's you have no control over that. You have no control over that. So I think a better way is to come away with saying, like, how can I come away from this feeling that I comported myself as best as I could, I brought my best self to this as much as I could. Obviously, we've obviously we always come up short of that, but that's that's our mission. It's not to get the other person to change their mind. Yeah, although that feels like what needs to happen. I need to prove this person, I need to prove she's wrong. I need to teach her so that she understands, I need to have her have an epiphany

When A Healthy Breakup Helps

SPEAKER_02 17:02

that, like, you know what? Yeah, I didn't think of it that's a good idea.

SPEAKER_00 17:08

No, that doesn't always happen. I, you know, one of the things from grad school, and one of the things I do in the classroom training people in psychology is uh, you know, couples counseling historically was seen as successful if couples remained or if there was improvement. But a lot of times I think the biggest misconception is that some successful couples counseling could be helping people split up in a healthy manner. And I I wonder if you would agree with that.

SPEAKER_02 17:29

I would agree with that. I would agree with that, certainly, generally. On the other hand, I do think that a lot of relationships can be salvaged with some of the changes we've been talking about, because I think that with managing expectations, with understanding our individual role, because what you don't want to do is say, okay, let's agree to split up. I mean, sometimes, of course, you absolutely agree with you. Sometimes, of course, that is the definitely the right course of action. But if people split up without internalizing their own role in things and their own role in making themselves happy, then there's a high likelihood this is just going to repeat in a future relationship.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

So you still have to work on that. So even though, yeah, that's a really that's a really good point that it's not gonna just go away in the next relationship if you're gonna help somebody kind of split up in a healthy manner.

SPEAKER_02 18:29

It's not like you don't want a person coming away with the only thing is like, I just need to find a better person. You know?

SPEAKER_00 18:35

Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

This person just wasn't quite good enough. They were good, but they just weren't quite good enough. So the next person's got to be better.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

It's like child counseling in a way, where they're like parents drop them off and say, fix them. It's like, no, it's the whole system together. Yeah. Aaron, thank you so much for this.

Resources, Contact, And Closing

SPEAKER_00 18:50

You know, I I think it was really helpful for people to learn a little bit about couples counseling. Uh, I know that we like to bring topics that are really relatable, and today's world is full of challenges. So, where can people uh learn more about you and your practice that want to find out about that?

SPEAKER_02 19:04

Yeah, we have a very active website. We serve Massachusetts, but of course, anybody anywhere in the world you know can come to our website. We have a lot of good uh material. It's BostonEvening Therapy.com. And anyone can also reach me directly if they'd like at Aaron A-A-R-O-N at BostonEvening Therapy.com.

SPEAKER_00 19:23

Wonderful. And we'll have all of that in the show notes. So, Aaron, thank you so much for being here today.

SPEAKER_02 19:29

Thank you, Dr. Pete. It's been a pleasure to talk with you.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

And thank you again for listening at home. We appreciate all your feedback and keep those topic ideas coming. We will see you here next week, and until then, spread a little kindness and stay well.