The two weeks had come and gone, and my dog and the two bozos were still in the basement. Tom still hadn’t got the documents, and now the boys were getting upset. I was tempted to try to get Dan out, but I knew that as soon as I started unscrewing the two-by-fours the boys would hear it and burst through the door. If Dan wasn’t so fat I could have made a hole in the door big enough for him to squeeze through, but his roommates were skinnier than him, and they would have gotten through it too. I also had a feeling that he probably gained weight since he was with them.  

Then Delilah showed up out of the blue at about 2 pm in the day. It was quiet downstairs, but that didn’t mean anything. They could be loud when they wanted to be. They listened to a lot of music to keep their sanity, and when they played it, they played it loud. Also, Melvin was feeding them a lot of weed to keep them quiet. I didn’t like drugs in my house, but I was willing to do anything to make things easier at that point. The only problem was that the house reeked of it. If someone came in they would probably think I smoked more dope than Cheech and Chong (they were a dope-smoking comedy team back in the seventies and eighties if you’re not old enough to remember them). 

I was excited to see her car pull into the driveway, but that didn’t last long when I remembered that I couldn’t let her in the house. I was standing in the kitchen in my underwear and rushed into my bedroom where I nearly tore my closet apart trying to get clothes on to beat her to the door. I did manage to get to the veranda before she did, but I was limping. 

“Are you okay?” she said when I met her in the driveway. “You look like you’re in pain.” 

“I am,” I said. “I just stubbed my toe on the corner of the bed.” 

“Ouch, I know how much that hurts.”

“Yeah, but I did it again on the porch door.”

“Good Lord. I hope you didn’t break it.”  

“No. We should go for a coffee,” I blurted, heading towards my car before she had time to answer. 

“No thanks, I just had one. If I have another I’ll get jittery. I hate that feeling.” 

“Decaf it is then,” I said, opening my car door.

“Decaf still has caffeine.”

“Tea?”

“Tea has more caffeine than decaf.”

“Okay, hot chocolate.” 

“Chocolate also has caffeine.” 

“Well a bottle of Coke and a bag of chips then. I’m bored. Let's go.” 

“I’m not sure I want to go anywhere with you dressed like that,” she said, laughing. “What in the name of God are you wearing? I’m not sure dress pants, plaid jack-shirt, and rubber boots really go together. Plus the fact that you’ve got your shirt on inside out. I can see the tag. If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were going mummering.”

 “This is what the kids are wearing now. Park dresses like this all the time. I’m trying to get used to the new styles if I’m going to take the vaccine.” 

 “I’m not so sure,” she said, still laughing. “What’s wrong? Am I being too forward just dropping by like this? Should I have called?” 

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not always the best at keeping the house clean, especially now that Melvin is staying with me for a while. I’m too embarrassed of the state I got in there to let you go in.” 

“Oh, please, I’m sure it’s not that bad,” she said, stepping onto the veranda. “We all have our untidy days when we’re busy.” 

“Oh, but it is,” I said, limping back towards her. I really wondered if I had my toe broken.  

“Don’t be so foolish,” she said and made to open the door. “I guess I should cover my groin now? Where’s Dan?” 

Truth be told, I almost felt like reaching out and grabbing her, but that might have scared her away.   

Melvin was home, but still in bed, and fortunately everything was quiet downstairs for now. The only problem was the two-by-fours screwed across the door that led to the basement. 

“I’m re-doing the stairs,” I said, “so I don’t want someone to open the door and step into an eight-foot drop. With the way my mind is lately I could forget and do it myself.” 

“You and me both. Couldn’t you just put a sign there?” 

“Park has his friends over a lot, so I didn’t want to take any chances. I’m a bit overcautious with that stuff,” I said. “Better safe than sorry.”

“It’s not that messy in here,” she said, looking around the kitchen. Luckily, I did have a few dirty dishes on the counter, and the porch was a bit messy with coats and boots, so it didn’t look like I was outright lying.

She looked around, maybe a little more than I was comfortable with. “You have a lovely home, I must say,” she said, strolling into the living room. “How long is Melvin home for?” 

“Just a while. He still lives in Ontario.”

She sat at the kitchen table and stared out the window. I thought about going outside and throwing a letter in through the basement window, begging them not to make noise, but with the way things were going lately, I daresay they would have made a racket on purpose. They might even yell out for help. I mean, yes, they were being held against their will, but that was no reason to take it personal and cause trouble. 

“Are you warm?” she said. “You’re sweating.” 

“Why don’t we go for a walktalk?” I asked. “I’ve been in the house too much lately.”

“A walktalk? You planning on talking about something illegal?” 

“No, I just got a habit of saying that,” I said, and realized I was telling on myself even more, but the words were already out of my mouth. “Melvin says it a lot. That’s where I got it to.” 

“Why, is he into illegal activity?” she said, smiling. 

“I’m sure you can remember what a hard case Melvin was in school,” I said. “He could be into anything. And everything under the sun is illegal these days anyway.” 

“I do remember, but I still liked him. He wasn’t a bad kid, just reckless and carefree. I guess he got it from his mother’s side.”

“Well, it’s in my family, but certainly not in me.”

“True. Your brother was a bit of a hard case though, if I remember correctly.”   

 “A bit? He was in more fights than Mike Tyson. But thank God for that. He was probably the only thing that kept me from killing myself in high school,” I said, laughing, but Delilah didn’t laugh, and I realized that mentioning the fact that you used to want to jump off a cliff is not something that most people find funny.

“I remember how the boys treated you,” she said. “I probably wasn’t very nice either. I’m sorry.” 

I laughed. “I don’t remember you doing anything. Whatever, we was kids. I don’t think about that anymore. Come on, let's go for a walk.” 

“If you promise to change what you’re wearing,” she said, giggling. “I’m not sure dress pants and a jack-shirt are a perfect ensemble.” 

That was when we heard a 250-pound hungover gorilla stumble into the hallway, with a nice roaring fart to greet our company. He walked straight into the kitchen in his camouflage underwear with nomad bed hair, scratching his big hairy belly, and eyes like the fill-holes in a rusty car battery. You would think once he realized we had company he would have turned around and gone back to his bedroom in embarrassment. Nope. It looked like his eyes were almost closed anyway as he stomped past Delilah and I, but I guess he must have been able to see where he was going. We just stared at him with me slowly shaking my head, and Delilah grinning and embarrassed. Truth be told, a bear might have made less noise filling up the kettle and getting pills from the cupboard. More thunder rolled out of his arse as he shambled back into the hallway again. He was the real thunder-chief. At least this time he had the common courtesy to say “’scuse me,” which told me that he did notice we had company. Not that it made him act any more civilized. 

But as soon as he went back into his room I got a text from him on my palm. 

                               WTF!?

                               She showed up out of blue. I’m trying to get her to leave!

                               Make up something goddamn it! If she hears those morons                                           down stairs we’re finished.

                               I know I know. We’re going for a walk.

I don’t know how it happened, but we managed to get back outdoors without the hostages making a sound. Oh, I remember why. It was 11 a.m. They wouldn’t be out of bed for a few more hours.   

“So where are we going?” I asked, heading to the car. 

“I thought we were going for a walk?” she said. 

“Here?” 

“Why not? You’ve got lots of land here to stroll around. We don’t need to go somewhere. Let's walk down to the beach. I think the tide is low.” 

“I noticed your house isn’t for sale anymore,” she said, as we headed down over the garden to the path to the beach. 

“Yeah, I took it off the market.” 

“So you’re not getting the age shot now?” 

“I’m not sure what I’m doing,” I said. “I’ve got a lot in savings so I might just use that.” A lie of course. 

“You know I didn’t picture you to be frugal, but I guess you don’t really know people until you start spending time with them.” 

“Frugal as in cheap?” 

“Yes, but cheap sounds negative. Frugal is wise.”

“My father didn’t have a clue about money, so I always watched mine. Didn’t want to end up like him. And me and Amy was never making any big money, so we had to be careful with it.” 

“Of course.”

Neither one of us said much for a few minutes. The wind was up and the trees were rocking against one another. 

“What are you like with money?” I asked. 

“I’ve always had expensive taste, but that’s going to have to change. My pension helps, but things are so expensive now I have to be careful. I need to get out of that house as well. It’s too big to maintain on my own. Especially with one pension. I think I’m going to put it up for sale.” 

“Where will you go then?” 

“Maybe some townhouse retirement complex? I don’t know —Hey, have you been watching the news lately?” 

“No, why?” 

“A lot of countries are already talking about drafting legislation concerning the de-aging treatment. Some people even want it banned. There’s protests all over the world. You seriously haven’t heard about it? And then others are saying it’s not even real.” 

“I don’t watch the news much, except what pops up in my feed. It’s a job to know what’s real anymore anyway. Why, what’s everyone all upset about?”

“Gil, do you realize how much this is going to change the world? This is the biggest invention since…well, since ever. It’s the fountain of youth.” 

“Yeah, but I still don’t understand why they’d be angry.” 

“Who do you think is going to be the first to get the treatment, Gil? Do you think it will be the poor and middle class?” 

“Probably not,” I said. “But I daresay it’ll get cheap after a while, like everything.”

“Maybe…maybe not. It’s not a palm, it’s a drug. In some places drugs are never cheap if you don’t have insurance.”

“Is it a drug? I thought it was like little robots that’s in the vaccine.”

“I think it is. Nanotechnology. But that doesn’t mean they won't classify it as a drug.” 

We came to the beach, and the tide was low. A small, rusty-coloured crab was scuttling across the rocks and sand. 

“I wonder what those little robots look like?” 

“Probably something like that crab. Do you want a million robot crabs crawling around in your blood?” 

“Why not? Crabs are pretty tough.” 

I didn’t have the words out of my mouth when a seagull swooped down, turned the crab over, and started pecking its guts out, alive. 

“Maybe not that crab.” 

I hurried over and shooed the gull away. 

“I think it’s okay,” I said, but when I put it in the water, it turned upside down and sank to the bottom like a rock. 

“Maybe not,” I said. “Poor thing. It never had a chance.” 

As I stared down at it, I felt Delilah’s arms wrap around me from behind, and her head lean against my back. 

“You’re a kind, decent man,” she said. 

I was so surprised that she had her arms around me that I found it hard to respond. 

“But you’re awfully stiff,” she said, leaning back a bit, “do you want me to let you go?” 

“No. I just wasn’t expecting it.”  

“Good Lord, it feels good to hold someone. Even if you are as stiff as a fence post. You know I literally haven’t hugged another person since Randy’s funeral?”

“You can pay a professional.” 

“What?” 

“Nothing. That’s one good thing about owning a dog.” 

“I never thought about that. I guess if someone is lonely, having a dog around must really help. It’s not a person, but it has emotions, and it's big and warm. Well, Dan is big anyway.” 

“Dan is fat. And yeah, they’ll never push you away, that’s for sure. Dogs don’t get sick of people, especially their owners.”

I didn’t want to move because I didn’t want her to take her arms away, even if I was stiff. Not stiff in that way —you know what I mean. Truth be told though, I felt guilty. I felt good, and I felt guilty. I wondered if she was waiting for me to turn around and kiss her, but it didn’t really feel like that kind of hug. But what did I know? Amy was the only girlfriend I ever had. The only wife too. 

So I just stayed there, staring out at the bay, while she hugged me. When she let go I was sad. And relieved. 

“Did you know I had breast cancer when I was thirty-seven?” she said. 

“Yeah, I remembers that. I had it forgot about, but I remembers it now that you said it. I can remember signing the card when you was in the hospital. A student brought it to me. I even mentioned it to the minister so he’d say a prayer for you in church.” 

“Really? Oh wait, are you the one who wrote, ‘We’re praying for you’ in the card? I couldn’t pick out the signature.” 

“Yeah, that was me.”

“I wasn’t thirty-seven then, I was in my mid-forties when I got that card. And I was getting my tonsils out. I thought your message was a bit over-the-top. I was like, why is he praying for me? Is this procedure more dangerous than I’m being told? I even asked the doctor about it.” 

“Tonsils? Oh my God, I’m sorry my dear. I got the impression your cancer came back.”

“Oh my, now that’s funny.” 

“I do remember when you got the cancer though. I can even remember telling Amy while we was having supper. I’ll never forget what she said.”

“Which was?” 

“Pass the butter.” 

“Oh…”

“I remembers I said, ‘Is that all you got to say?’ And she said, ‘Well, I don’t know the girl. I feels sorry for her, but I don’t know her. It’s hard to be concerned if you don’t know the person.’ And then…”  

“And then what?” 

“Never mind.” 

“And then what? What were you going to say?” 

“Well, Amy could be an odd stick sometimes.”

“What did she say, Gil?” 

“She said you was a snot. A snob. I’m sorry, Amy didn’t take to just anyone.” 

Delilah laughed at that. “Maybe I was a little bit. Isn’t it weird that they’ve cured aging, but they haven’t cured cancer?” 

“Yeah, I was wondering about that. If you have cancer, and you get the shot, does that cure the cancer?” 

“No, from what I’ve read it would speed it up. It would become more aggressive.” 

“Speed it up! Judas…” 

 “Who knows? Maybe it causes cancer. We don’t know anything about it really. Corporations don’t exactly have a good track record for honesty. And if anyone trusts that Aron Bekker they’re being very naive.” 

“Well wouldn’t that be something? Makes you young, but gives you cancer. Sounds about right. I’m starting to wonder if I was really even talking to Aron. I haven’t been able to get hold of him since. It almost feels like it was a dream or something.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t a prank?” 

“I was sure, but the more time goes on the more I start to wonder.”  

“But you’re still going ahead with it anyway?”

“I can’t stop now.” 

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.” 

“It’s your decision, but I don’t think you’re prepared for how much your life is going to change. It would be different if everyone were doing it, but you’ll be the only one around. Maybe you’ll be the first person in Newfoundland. You’ll be alone.”

“Alone? How will I be alone? I’ll still have my family.” 

“Yes, Gil, but you don’t understand. You won't be the same person, and they won't treat you as the same person. You’ll be this strange young man that they never saw before. Even Melvin won't remember you looking that young. Doesn’t that scare you?” 

“I guess I never really thought about it that way.” 

“And what about your friends?” 

“All my friends are dead. The only sibling I got left is my sister, and she hardly ever contacts me anyway. She and Amy didn’t get along.” 

“Who did Amy get along with? —I’m sorry, that was disrespectful. I didn’t know her. Forget I said that. To get back to what I was saying, I just don’t think you’ve really thought this through.” 

“Perhaps I haven’t. I guess I just don’t want to die.” 

“None of us do, but if you believe in God, and I know you do, then what’s to be afraid of? All of this will be a joke when we get to heaven.” 

“Nothing to be afraid of I guess. Are you trying to talk me out of it?” 

“Not at all. I just think you should think about it more.”

I told her I would, and I even told myself that I would, but truth be told, I had made my mind up, and nothing was going to change that. Maybe I’m not the smartest person in the world, but when I decide I’m going to do something, I don’t back down. Well, sometimes I do, but usually I don’t. I wasn’t going to with this anyway. Most likely.

When we headed back to the house I prayed that she would not want to go in again. I got very lucky the first time, but there was no way I was going to let her go in again. I don’t like to lie, but I would have to tell her flat out that I wasn’t comfortable yet with another woman coming into my home. 

But she didn’t want to go back in. She went straight to her car and drove off. She was acting weird on our walk back anyway. She didn’t say much, and when I asked her questions all I got were one-word answers. I figured she must be angry at me about something, but I couldn’t understand what. It was only a half hour ago that she told me I was a good man. Oh well. I had worse things to worry about anyway. 

“I feel like I’m surrounded by dummies,” Melvin said when I went back in the house.

“She went straight to the door,” I said. “I couldn’t very well tackle her to the ground. What was I supposed to do?” 

“Anything! Tell her the goddamn sewer was backed up. Jesus, anything.” 

“Well, I’m not so quick as you with coming up with lies.” 

“That you are not.” 

 “Good for you. You’re a pig too. Judas, you couldn’t hold in a fart? You got that much pressure backed up down there or what?” 

“It’s not healthy to hold it in. You think an old woman like her never heard anyone fart before? She probably farts more than the two us combined.”

“I never heard her fart before.” 

“Well if she got a loose asshole, that’s nothing to brag about either.” 

“Judas, just listen to him! You gone off your palm or what? Talking about a smart elderly woman like her like that. She was a teacher! You needs to wash that mouth out you filthy bugger.”

“She was a teacher, Dad, not a nun. I’m sure she knows what anal is.” 

“Anal! Anal? I don’t care how much she knows about anal. She’s my friend and I don’t want you talking about her, or her anus, like that again.” 

“I’d say you just said “anal” more times in the last ten seconds than the previous fifty years.” 

“I hope.” 

“And a friend?” Melvin said, with a big greasy grin. “Is that all she is you ol’ stud?”

“That’s all she is.”

“I won’t lie. She was a rocket in her day. Probably the best-looking teacher in our school. How in the name of God did she get tangled up with you? Oh right, church. Poor thing, she must be lonely and desperate.” 

“She must be. And speaking of desperate women, when is yours coming for a visit?” 

“Who knows. That cult she’s in decided they’re not going to be a secret anymore. They’re inviting anyone who’s interested now, and they’re using her as one of the recruiters.”

“I watched some of Norm MacDonald’s comedy online. I don’t get what was so special about him. I used to like that fella with the puppets —I can’t remember his name. One of the puppets used to always say, ‘I keel you!’ That fella was some funny.”

“Don’t have a clue who you’re talking about. I wouldn’t know anything about Norm MacDonald either only for Audrey. I never found any of those stand-up comedians funny until I saw a few in person. It’s different in person. I don’t know why, but it is.” 

There was a knock on the floor beneath us then. This meant that we had to go to the door or the window for some request. 

“You go. I’m sick of talking to those fuckin morons.” 

I sighed and went to the door, asking what I could do for them. 

“We’ve decided we’re going on strike,” Number 3 said. “Everything was supposed to be straightened out by now.” 

“It’s not the Reverend’s fault. There’s been problems and he’s doing his best to try to get it all figured out. Don’t mean to be rude, but we explained all this.” 

“We’re going on a carb strike.” 

“A what?” I thought they said car strike. 

“No more carbs. Fruits, vegetables, and protein only. If you give us any carbs it’s going straight to the dog. Don’t even bother to try to talk us out of it. We made up our minds.”  

Melvin got a kick out of that when I told him. 

“I wish they’d go on a weed strike,” he said. “It’s starting to get expensive.” 

“I wonder is that why they didn’t make any noise, because they were too high?” 

“Yeah, probably too much trouble to get off the couch. I’ve been crackin’ that Scandinavian Skunk to them. That’d make a pervert in a whorehouse lazy. It’s hardcore indica.”

“You orders it from Scandinavia?” 

“Fuck no, they just call it that because it sounds cool.”

“Where’s it from then?” 

“Tickle-Arse Bight, not far from Dildo.”

“Tickle-Arse Skunk sounds better than Scandinavian Skunk.” 

“They already use that name, but it’s a sativa. Big seller.” 

“I don’t know sativa from Geneva, but I do know one thing. If they keeps smoking it I wont be able to sell this house for one dollar, let alone a million. The stink was that bad last night I almost started to gag on it. We needs to get them out of that basement.” 

“You don’t need to tell me. I wants more money. It’s all on Tom.” 

“Do you still smoke dope?” 

“Oh will you stop calling it dope. You’re going to be a young man again. You’re going to be around it all the time. Why don’t you try it? It doesn’t say anything in the Bible about smoking weed does it?”

“It don’t say anything about having a glass of wine either, as long as you don’t get drunk.” 

“Well, there you go. Try it.” 

“I got no interest in it. It’s bad enough that I drinks more than I used to.” 

“Oh, you do do you? Like how much?” 

“Oh now, I don’t drink it by the liter like you. It just…helps sometimes.” 

“Oh it helps alright. Weed can help too.” 

“Well you can forget about that. So what are we going to do about this carb strike?” 

“Phone Tom and tell him to not have any meals that have carbs I guess.” 

“What kinds of foods got carbs anyway?” 

“Bread, starchy foods, pasta, sugary foods, jiggs dinner, stuff like that.”

“No jiggs dinner? How will they live? Maybe we should see what their demands are.” 

“Demands? You already know what their fucking demands are!” 

“Yes, but my God, no carbs? They’ll pine away to nothing.”

“Well it wouldn’t hurt if Number 3 lost a few pounds. Have you noticed his gut lately? If they keep going the way they’re going poor ol’ Pepe won’t be able to recognize either of them.”

“He’s getting fat? I didn’t notice.” 

“Well, he’s not pregnant.”  

“They eats more homemade bread than you can shake a stick at.” 

“That’s carbs.” 

“Oh.” 

So I phoned Reverend Tom and told him we need to do another walktalk. He was over in twenty minutes. As we walked down the same path Delilah and I walked earlier that day I told him about the carb strike.

“I’m not sure Jennifer knows how to make non-carb meals,” he said. “Did they have any demands?” 

“Nothing other than to be set free. How are you doing with that anyway? Poor Dan is going to go foolish if he got to stay down there any longer.” 

“Making contact with these people is not easy. It’s not like I can do anything digital. Everything has to be analog, and I’m only allowed contact once a week.”

“The cops don’t pick up on it?” 

“Not yet. I already sent my message for this week, stressing how important it was that we get this done.”

“I don’t know how much longer we can keep them down there. The constant supply of dope, booze and food is starting to get expensive. They’re smoking an ounce a day according to Melvin.” 

“An ounce a day!” 

“Is that a lot?” 

“Yes…from what I’ve heard.”

I stared at him. 

“At AA Meetings I help organize at the church. Ahem, the important thing is that this needs to be done. I have to wonder how long they will hold out before they tell Pepe to report us. I wasn’t going to tell the Elders what happened, but I felt I had no choice, so last week I explained the situation with the drone.”

“What did they say about that?”

“They were not pleased. I swear I could hear the anger in the dots and dashes coming through the radio when Elder Branston responded. Which doesn’t make sense because it was in no way our fault. It wasn’t even Melvin’s fault. I’m wondering if he’s doubting my competence as a leader of the church, and our program.”

“Dots and dashes?” 

“Morse code. That’s one of the ways we communicate.” 

“Why, what did he say?”

“Do you want to hear what it actually sounded like to my ears?” 

“Okay.” 

He took a deep breath. “Dot dot, dash dot, dash dot dash dot, dash dash dash, dash dash, dot dash dash dot, dot, dash, dot, dash dot, dash – pause – dot dash dash dash, dot dash, dash dot dash dot, dash dot dash, dot dash, dot dot dot, dot dot dot.”

“What do that spell?” 

“Incompetent jackass.” 

“Judas.” 

“Yeah, well, Judas betrayed the son of God, but no one called him incompetent. The Program brings in a lot of money. If we get caught this would be as bad as it gets. It would probably destroy the church, what’s left of it. I’ll admit refugees are starting to fill the seats, and perhaps in the future we won't need the program, but for now we would be lost without it.”