Healthy Wealthy Relationships 💖

Love, partnerships, and finances—how do they all connect? 🤔 This Valentine’s edition of The Stellar Talk Show is all about building healthy and wealthy relationships—because success isn’t just about career growth, it’s about nurturing strong, fulfilling connections too!

✨ Join your host, Stella Ram—Realtor, entrepreneur, and firm believer that thriving in life means thriving in all areas, including our relationships. We’re diving deep into:
✅ How trust & communication shape lasting partnerships
✅ The connection between love & financial success
✅ Smart strategies for couples managing assets together
✅ Building strong romantic, family & business relationships

💡 Special Guest Alert! We’ll be joined by Sukaina Nathoo, a highly experienced registered psychotherapist and clinical director with over 15 years of expertise, sharing insights on how to create relationships that are both financially and emotionally rewarding.

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Stay inspired, and see you soon on the next Stellar Talk Show!  

Transcript

welcome to a special Valentine's edition of the Stella talk show I'm your host Stella Ram a mother realtor entrepreneur and someone who truly believes that success isn't just about what we build in our career but also what we nurture in our personal lives today we are celebrating love connection and the foundation of truly healthy wealthy relationships just in time for Valentine's Day whether you're in a relationship happily married navigating challenges or even single and preparing for that special someone this conversation is just for you because let's be real love isn't just about emotions it's also communication mindset and even Financial well-being as es perel says the quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships and today we are diving deep into what makes a strong lasting and thriving partnership to help us explore this I'm joining with an incredible expert sukina natu a highly experienced registered psychotherapist and a Clinical Director with over 15 years of experience she has helped countless individuals couples and professionals navigate life's challenges working with top Healthcare organizations in the United Kingdom and also in Canada before founding purposeful change Psychotherapy a practice dedicated to empowering clients through meaningful lasting transformation soen welcome to the show hi Stella it's nice to join you today amazing thank you for taking the time to join with us so let's start with this what do you think is the biggest misconception people have about love and relationships and how can we shift our mindset for a healthier more fulfilling connection wow we're really diving in that's such a good question it's such a big question so I mean when we talk about misconceptions about love and relationships of course we do have some data about major themes that show up for people as they're seeking love and relationships what I'll do today is I'll just talk a little bit anecdotally about um some of the research I'll reference some of the research but I'll also talk a little anecdotally about my own experience working with couples over the years and so when we talk about the the themes that I'm seeing in the therapy room um and the misconceptions that often come up with regards to love and relationships I'm really reminded of Sue John 's words Sue Johnson is this wonderful um Creator and founder of emotionally focused therapy and we actually I actually use emotionally focused coup's therapy in my own therapy with my clients because we know from the literature it's the gold standard I can talk a little bit more about that in a few moments but I'm reminded of Sue's words when she says famously love is not a bargain it's a bond and so I would say the major misconceptions as we're pursuing love and relationships is that that it's transactional we think we can argue our way out of an argument and and and sometimes people really believe Truly Deeply that things need to be fair that we can negotiate love and connection and that it will it will offer resolution to our challenges in a relationship actually the research does not support this the research actually tells us that a transactional view of love and relationship ship actually results in disconnection and so let let me give you an example I mean many of us including your viewers will have um in a relationship experience feeling upset with their partner feeling their Partners perhaps upset them in some way and we might say you know I'm really upset or they might say what's wrong and you say you know you you did this to hurt me you should apologize and then your partner says I'm sorry and yet you sit there going why don't I feel better and I think that's a really great example of the fact that transactional approaches to love and relationships does not make you feel more connected that's true that's true it's that different stages in life that you go through different different emotions and mindsets and what you mentioned there is something that you know I have witnessed myself as well navigating with couples and families in real estate um and still so I definitely agree with what you're um sharing there and when it comes to um the key ingredients of a healthy and thriving relationship what do you think that is so as I mentioned I use emotionally focused couples therapy I use emotionally focused therapy in all aspects of therapy that I do with um our clients and so do the the the team um I'm I'm a big attachment theorist uh what that means is that we lean heavily on the attachment sites that we have we have decades if not more of research that tells us how we functions as social bonding mammals humans are social bonding mammals and so connection is just as important for our survival as food water light um and so sure the key ingredients of a healthy and thriving relationship from an attachment lens is described as secure attachment having secure attachment and the key ingredient the key variables that we look at when we look at what makes up secure attachment is safy and security and so uh there's a famous study by Mary answorth and and and some of the viewers may have heard this through articles or other podcasts that there is a child in the room and a mother figure and they have the mother figure leave and they watch observationally the child's behavior and so what we know is that that disconnection or distance from your attachment figure perhaps a parent or a parental figure um creates distress for us and the more distress we have the more disruptions we have to that secure attachment the less securely attached we become so the key ingredients to a healthy um relationship a relationship that can be nurtured and Thrive is safety in the connection and Security in the connection safety SEC yeah Safety and Security are like it's important to understand what they are um because of course these words can be used in a number of different ways so let me share for your viewers clinically what this means when we look at safety we we're talking about um what Balby who's uh uh heavily influenced attachment science um we we talk about s safe um we talk about a safe base and so um a safe base is I can go out into the world and through age we develop a mental model of ourselves and other people so you might go out into the world and you might hear your brother's Voice or your father's Voice or your mother's voice your grandmother's voice in moments that we need them so as we age we take those voices with us into the world but but of course we develop those attachments at a young age and so a safe base is saying I've got this home base I can go out into the world I can take risks I can be myself I can do things but then I have this safe connection that I always can come back to and security is the consistency it's predictable I know that there's someone in the world I can call and I have a sense of what they might say and I know that they'll be there for me so there's safety which is a safe Bas and a secure connection yeah that is very important in a relationship I completely agree and um when it comes to couples uh you mentioned about attachment the theory there uh so when it comes to couples uh connect and communicate what does what does that have to influence with the attachment therapy so the way that we work with our couples in the therapy room is a little bit well I would say significantly different to other types of therapies other therapies traditionally focus a lot on communication and it's not that attachment science or specifically emotionally focused therapy does not touch on communication of course we're helping couples to recognize dysfunctional patterns of communication and to model healthy communication but the focus is not on that top surface level of communication what I said earlier was that we think we can argue our way out of an argument it's very transactional it's very cognitive and what we know from the research and what we know in our relationships is you can say what I'm asking you to say to me I can ask you I can tell you to apologize for that thing you did that hurt my feelings but somehow I just don't feel better I don't feel closer to you I still feel a disconnection so when we talk to our couples about Communication in emotionally Focus therapy we're asking them to and we're actually teaching so actually let me tell you a little bit about this because this is a unique perspective of a therapist in coup therapy I actually tell my couples I'm I'm neither one of your therapists my my client is actually the relationship and so I actually act as a a relationship consultant or the analogy we use in EFT is is a a dance instructor you both are perhaps dancing in a way where you're stepping on one another's toes and I can help and model and adjust the dance so that you can be in in in synchronicity your emotional music is similar and so you can sets you up to dance better so commun ation comes in because we're not just sitting on the surface which is what most couples do of talking about the content of an argument the content of an argument is you did this and then this happened yes but this happened and then this happened 5 years ago and it's not that I'm bringing up for the first time you've done this multiple times I have reasons not to trust you so we're sitting in the content yeah of an argument and an EFT therapist is training to see through all of that a lot of the coaches or therapists might make the mistake in my opinion of staying in the content and trying to negotiate who did what who's worse and that never works and so PS the argument a little further exactly so Communication in EFT or attachment comes in where we're helping the individual client so there's two partners the individual clients need to learn how to emotionally regulate so be able to tolerate understanding what they're feeling and feeling it going inwardly into their intas psychic experience making meaning and making sense of what's happening for them and then to be able to share that with their partner what that does is we go from sharing a secondary emotion into below the surface and sharing our vulnerability and our Primary Emotion that's amazing that's amazing like you know um lot of things that you were saying I was thinking in my head like oh my God that is so true like you know in everyday life when you're talking to your partner your kids or your family these are like know stages that we go through and you know definitely having that kind of knowledge and you know reaching out for the um the experts to get the therapy when they need to like secure and transform that relationship into a different level that is very valuable information that you're sharing there I appreciate that um you mentioned about um Comm emotional patterns um in um in what you were discussing before so uh when it comes to Common emotional patterns that create distance in relationships and how can couples break them yeah so I want to I I love teaching so I want your audience to have a chance to be able to take this episode and actually kind of assess for themselves like which one does it feel like me and my partner are and that might help wom in seeking support you know of clients that call uh purposeful change Psychotherapy say me and my partner need to work on communication and that already tells me a little bit about the pattern that might be happening in their relationship because here's what I say to most people I'm not sure you aren't good at communication I can I imagine if I speak to you just for a few minutes you're actually really great at Communication in other parts of your life particularly work uh at purposeful change psychotherapy we specialize in supporting professionals and so I already know that they're coming through the door with a an at least an intermediate skill set in communication and so it's usually not those things in a relationship so when we talk about um the patterns that show up we talk from an attachment lens we talk about pursue withdraw withdraw withdraw and attack attack and Sue Johnson again has just done such a beautiful job of helping um individuals be able to make sense of this without the clinical language so she's defined three major arguments that happened and they're called um find the bad guy which probably doesn't need too much explanation this is where where it's like a tennis match or you did this this it's like find the bad guy who's to blame so that's one pattern that shows up the second pattern Sue Johnson describes is called uh protest paa this is where a partner is protesting so again coming with a complaint or a protest to the disconnection and then the other partner will try to defend themselves and justify but then they go into withdrawing so it's pursue withdraw yeah and then the third type is freeze flee this is where I have a few times in my career a fair few times had couples who come through the door and either say everything's fine and you can cut the tension with a knife or they're just not talking um there's really no argument in the room and no protest and it's because they're in Survival Mode they've shut down to protect themselves and it's too dangerous to show that they care they don't know that their signal uh for vulnerability will be responded to yeah so the stress and the conflict um you know that stage is very vulnerable I completely understand I know it's a sometimes you know based on what the relationship has been in the beginning and to why it led to that situation the the story line can be very um interesting and maybe like empowering to revisit where they started um to understand hey like why that you're in that relationship too right because the healthy relationships actually create the a healthy lifestyle as well right um so it's very important to understand hey like if something is coming up you need to reach out and definitely talk about it with each other but if that is not the stage that you in then you know reaching out to the um the experts the professionals to give you the guidance that you need so when it comes to um like life we go through different stages in our relationships with different people right um when it comes to a couple situation communicating effectively about finances um career Ambitions and their life longterm goals um why is that important suena and why that it should be you know happen on a timely basis to be on the correct path so many good reasons to have that conversation right um firstly I can imagine we'd want to be clear about the expectations in a relationship that we want to pursue perhaps long term um in my opinion as a therapist and I'm prefacing this my opinion um I there are countless individuals and couples I've spoken to over the years that say I didn't know that my partner wasn't okay with this I didn't know this was a deal breaker um you know we just can't get past this we cannot negotiate through this we are in two polar opposite positions on this issue now I don't think that you can talk about everything when you meet someone there are going to be some things that evolve naturally in life um an example might be fertility you know you might meet someone and say yep we want to have children that's important to both of us but that might change organically your opportunity your ability to create that in a you know in a particular way um might change and that might be much harder to navigate through for a couple um and they weren't able to sort of predict that beforehand of course you're always going to have those scenarios that you can't plan for but I think conversations around Finance are so incredibly important I think it's an important area in my opinion around compatibility as well I think when you're going on a date or you're first learning about someone you look for certain things like you know um do they have a sense of humor are they kind are they family oriented not that I'm saying these are everyone's values but whatever you're looking for in a partner and I think we shy away maybe because of fear around perception to talk about certain topics such as sex and finance and Family Planning um and so again I've spoken to countless couples over the years who didn't have those conversations and they're finding out in the course of a committed relationship that they actually are on very different pages and neither one is willing to negotiate um on on their needs um so that that becomes a little bit trickier so absolutely I think these are convers healthy conversations to be having um early on I do want to say Stella it's not an easy conversation to have it's not that I'm expecting these conversations to feel comfortable particularly if you didn't grow up in an environment as a child whether that's your home or school or Society where those conversations were comfortable or modeled for you yes yes so that's true like you know when we enter different different stages of relationship uh we are not entering as a brand new person we actually carry what we have traveled through our life with us and we are the person we are today because of what we have gone through in our life so that is very important uh to keep in mind as well when we are navigating relationships keeping in mind the differences that you have with each other and you know respecting where that is coming from right um and you know especially and also with um in my experience as a realtor when I'm working with families um you know I work with different stages in a relationship so there are people that who are um first time home buyers they are buying their first Nest very excited um talking about how we're going to do the mortgage you know okay this is me this is him um and also then I I'm working with people like who are good into retirement now they're downsizing they want to think about hey how am I going to manage my funds and things like that oh you know having oh people are now expanding they want to upsize because they are having a big family new babies are coming into coming into the family um so these changes navigating these through these changes uh finances Life Changes like retirement itself is a big change or like you know transition people yeah living separately and now coming together to create a family is a big stage or like you know now being a couple expanding into having kids is a big stage so when navigating those um life stages like what is that more effective way of um communicating planning you know what what have you seen in your experience I would say that what I've seen is that people don't talk or they think they're talking but they're not really sharing the the underlying feelings so I think again as I said earlier people tend to share the content M um and they don't share the feeling and bonds and connections and emotions are nonverbal people actually don't know this Stella your emotions your feelings are nonverbal they don't come from your head they're actually physical Sensations in your body which we then have to slow down to make make um conscious we have to then make meaning of it and then we can use language to express what we're feeling so people don't slow down people aren't having the conversations that act are under the surface uh emotional conversations so my number one takeaway for anyone always is have a check-in even if it's once a month put it in your calendar put it in your joint calendar put it on the fridge and okay life happens and it gets busy if you have to flex and change that date and time do it like change the date and time don't just say oh we didn't do it it's okay to move it but move it and make sure it happens the the reason for that Stella is is that the more the more effort we make the more time even if it's small moments of time that we make to come together to collaborate the better you're going to be able to work together and partner on these projects that's true yeah because when you're when you're a couple it's not a single person's game it's a team play so you need to have a common ground on both ends to have a successful result right um so I completely understand and agree with what you are saying um and it is um you know when I'm thinking about it in reality it's so funny like we talk about things but we don't talk about the feelings that involves in it so when you mention like you know having that deeper conversation about hey what does that really mean for me like and understanding if that's the same for the other person what they are expecting out of it you know it's very important and being part of each other's you know journey and goals and relationships no matter where you are at your life stage is very important yeah when there are transitions you were talking about transitions things that change the key area because I work with families as well the key area that I see this outside of a romantic relationship and if we talk about a family unit for a moment is where you now have children that have gone have become teens this usually is a time if anyone is is uh in my age bracket they will remember some years some years ago being a teen and we often talk about our teen years as being the ones where we perhaps had the most familial conflict or conflict with our parents so when I work with families and there is a transition happening such as having now teen children who are like many adults right the rules change whether you want or not the Dynamics will change and if we don't check in remember I was talking about romantic check-ins well even in a family or any relationship if we don't check in and review our expectations contract it's not going to work the contract's outdated you know you all know this Stella as a realtor if any variable in a deal changes you've got to review the contract I don't think we do this in our relationships yeah no I think because um that's the that's the uh disconnect that we have in relationships that we are trying we should try and you know pie it together in other words right um because we don't think that deep so when you mention hey like when when kids grow into teenagers I have a my daughter she's nine years old she's already acting like a teenager so I'm thinking oh my god when she's an acual teenager what's this going to be so um even as a mother there are different stages that I have to modify my role being a mother to be there be present for my child so same in any kind of relationship even if it's with your parents or your spouse or your your partner what whatever that relationship is like depending on the stages of your life that you're traveling if there are different roles that you have to take as an individual no matter you know you know are you a female or a male or which cultures that you're coming from you need to adapt to that to make it um a relationship that is sustainable and wealthy and healthy for a long time yeah absolutely absolutely defin definitely definitely I want to also um touch Bas on um the the the deep conversation like the financial conversations when it comes to a a couple relationship um so like lot of people um even when I'm talking to um couples on a real estate standpoint they ask me so is it a good idea to like do it together like is it good to have merge our finances together or is it good to keep it separate what is your take on that I love this question because I have been asked this so many times throughout my life as people find out I'm a therapist even in my personal life I'll have people say do you think you know money should be kept separate or together in fact I would say the assumption is that the expectation is is that money needs to be joint or there's something odd happening in a relationship I'm going to keep it real for a second because I do I do pride myself on being a relatable therapist I like to keep things real do you is my advice do you whatever works in your relationship as long as you're talking about it and you and your partner have are able to be on the same page or negotiate your individual needs or expectations in a relationship and you're happy with your your contract with one another do you I don't think that there's a one siiz fits all and I think that approaching relationships on any angle particularly a financial one and saying that it needs to look a certain way is redundant and it's archaic and we do not live in a time or a society or a a a lifestyle that fits the cookie cutter so as long as you and your partner are happy and have talked things through and are on the same page do you there you go it came from a therapist do what works for you what works best for you that's true that's true I agree with you on that um it is very interesting because you know people some people say hey I'm going to keep it separate because you know it's good for many given reasons and then I have seen couples say no we always keep it together because we are a team we are in it together so as you mentioned whatever work for you because both works amazingly if you have the same mindset and work together yeah absolutely um and I have couples that jokingly talk about couples that have decided to keep their finances separate but they collaborate on expenses in their life so their their income may come separately into their bank accounts but they may have joint responsibilities in life it's like one partner's covering the utility bills one partner's covering child expenses so I have seen in couples where they choose to keep their finances separate they're still collaborating financially and you know some of my couples jokingly comfortably with one another you know say um my money is my money and they're my money is my money so I think in some couples in some couples you can see the the the joint um the collaborative approach and that they you can see that they've got a comfortability around talking about it and those are the couples I know that aren't uh are have have taken the time to have these conversations with one another because you can see a comfort around it that's you know that's true that's amazing thanks for sharing that um in time because we're doing this in time for Valentine's Day um I want to talk about uh Conflict Management because that's one thing because you know we are coming from different we're two different different people coming from two different backgrounds two different you know lifelines in other words and now we are trying to to merge together and build a relationship especially in Valentine's you're going to think about you know you know buying that special ring you know taking that next step you know how am I going to do this so it's always good to have a plan on U you know hey if this happens how do I how am I going to manage this what's my what's my um game here when it comes to Conflict Management right um in your experience based on what you have seen and coached what are the best ways to resolve conflicts in a healthy and a constructive way in a 

relationship so I model teach and talk to my clients about having a bonding conversation bonding conversation what do you mean by that yeah a bonding conversation is made up of all the ingredients that lets you feel close to one another connected to one another sometimes I use the analogy because I'm a visual learner so I like to give analogies so I often say my clients is the Wi-Fi signal strong there is a there's um I think there's an assumption that we have that we must be getting along on everything in life and it's only a good conversation if we can agree I don't think that that's realistic but if the Wi-Fi signal can be strong even very good um and we I think that that makes a difference mm as to how we feel in our relationship even if we aren't able to agree I think that we can partner on things that we agree on and you can also learn to partner on things that we we haven't quite resolved we haven't we don't quite agree on in fact some of my clients who have come to couples's therapy over the years have in the course of couple's therapy come to realize they are aren't wanting to pursue the relationship anymore in a romantic way and it's a beautiful process actually Stella to be able to support because they came to couple's therapy to partner in the relationship and even when they can't agree on that we're beautifully having bonding connecting conversations and partnering as they transition out of that relationship so when I say bonding it's the Wi-Fi signal is high the emotional connection is there there's a vulnerability as we share as as I as I build trust with this person that I can be vulnerable I can show them my inner emotions I can tell them the things that I'm worried about I'm scared about what happens inside of me it might not be based on here and now but it could be something from your past but as I hear this a part of me gets scared and when I get scared I start feeling all alone and I worry you won't be there that's a bonding conversation that's a very different conversation than we usually typically have with our partners now of course each partner as your if your partner is being vulnerable and sharing with you we have an acronym and it's called r a r e so the emotional music that plays for humans is a bid for connection your emotional music plays on the inside and it says are you there are you there are you there for me so what we want in a secure attachment we want to all practice and learn and get better at is being a it stands for being accessible to your partner when they turn to you responsive when they share their vulnerability and engaged and if we can each learn to be more AR that already Fosters the trust and vulnerability to have a bonding conversation that's amazing wow that's uh I never thought looked at it like that but um definitely communication is a big part for a healthy wealthy relationship even if it's the smallest thing if it bothers you having that open Communication open dialogue about how you felt in that moment and how would you like to feel next time to avoid those kind of circumstances in the relationship is very important as I'm hearing you talk I'm mindful therapy hat switches on and I'm mindful that you know you and I don't know who's listening to this episode and we don't know what their lives look like and we don't know their history and we don't know what their relationship looks like so as a therapist I feel the need to add a caveat I am not suggesting you bid for connection show your vulnerability um and take these risks in a relationship where it doesn't feel safe and profession comes first yeah whether that's physical safety or emotional safety we we might you might listen to this episode and and you know part me gets worried that somebody goes right I'm going to go do this with my partner and your partner and you have never danced this way before and your partner is therefore not aware of what's happening or set up to be ar to you and what happens you put yourself out there and your partner can't respond is you're likely to have more of an attachment injury in that relationship that risk taking injures the bond and that's actually quite that's very important to know for your viewers so that they can make the choice with their Partners to work on this with a professional also if your partner's not open to therapy there's there's nothing suggesting you can't do individual therapy um there are lots of wonderful therapies and EFT or emotionally focused therapy can actually help individ uals show up differently in their relationship and that can also improve it it doesn't always have to be coup's therapy if that's not an option no option for you no that's true that's true that's no I'm glad that you actually brought that up because you know the goal of this conversation is not to tell you what you need to do it's just showing you the path as to who you can reach out to if you are going through a situation like this and giving getting the guidance that is personalized to you and your situation and your partner most definitely thank you for sharing that um it's it's very important because you know the reason I was trying to talk about it before is I have seen in my friend Circle um there are a lot of different relationships that you witness and you know most of the time like you know if it's B one person and not the other person we we're not going to talk about it uh we're like okay it's not going to happen next time you just shove it and we move forward sometimes it builds up uh so it's always good to have those Communications on time so we can actually save the path clearly for both both of us in the relationship for a clear future because that's very important in my opinion um because if you're not doing that you're just putting things under the carpet um and it's just going to get piled and piled and piled and as you mentioned that bonding conversation maybe it will not even give you that opportunity for the bonding conversation so as sukina was mentioning hey wherever you are in in your life your journey with your partner um we're not telling you what you need to do what we're telling you is to reach out to the professionals um who can guide you in your relationship in your um stage and give you the advice that you need or you deserve for a better future with your relationship yeah practicing it in a room that can feel safer um is a great first step most definitely yeah safety comes first most definitely um I want to ask you um what are one of the some of the small but impactful changes a couple can make today to improve their relationships

SOA I think I mentioned um check-ins that's my go-to so I would say just start anywhere start with one checkin whether it's before bed or on a walk or at lunch or um whatever it might be in fact for families who have young children I often hear the couple say that it's incredibly difficult to get any time together and when we do once the children in bed we're exhausted and so if that's so for relationships where that is possible MH go ahead and start having check-ins even try it out do an experiment um see if it feels useful for your relationship um I often say to my clients I'm not giving you homework I don't believe in homework um but let's do experiments experiment this because everyone's different one client might find it helpful and another client may feel it's not helpful so let's experiment so experiment with check-ins for families who have young children or children or um aren't able to easily make time for those check-ins I would say make it a family interactive uh conversation whether that's at the dinner table or again on a walk or a road trip or a car ride there's some creative questions to make it familyfriendly um something that I often teach my families and my couples we have slightly different analogies but for families we say rainbows and thunderstorms and uh some of my families have added Vis visuals to this over the years like butterflies so the the rainbow is something that felt good we never we never really talk about um what went like well or something that like sucked in your week we try to Veer away from negative language but something that felt good again the emphasis on identifying your feelings and modeling this for your children how to have those conversations in a bonding way like over a meal whatever it might be so my rainbow is something that went well or something that felt good and then my thunderstorm is something that didn't feel so good or something that was a challenge in my week and this helps the adults and children learn about one another you might hear your partner say what their thunderstorm was and say oh wow I didn't know that happened or your child might say what the thunderstorm is and you might say Oh I thought it would have been that test you had and actually it was this interaction with a friend in the playground so you get to really learn and you get to give each other the time and attention and each member feels seen and heard and your practic iing and modeling how to share in a positive way so for individuals who don't have children or they do have time romantic check-ins like like romantic relationship check-ins what's working well in our relationship what's something we want to um focus more on next week or next month and for families rainbows and thunderstorms is a beautiful interactive game to play that models and teaches safe and secure connection yeah that's amazing I love that theory like um rainbows and thunderstorm and even especially with kids too right um because when you are in a family situation a father mother and kids whatever the father mother goes through that's what the kids are going to witness and you know um Envision for them in the future so that has to be a very healthy and safe environment for them um this coming up with that game of rainbow and thunder that's really wonderful maybe I'm going to use that in my household going forward yeah thanks for sharing that yeah absolutely feel free like my like I said my families have added imagery to it over the years somebody came up with um the caterpillar that cocoons into a butterfly and this um this represented something that turned out different than what you expected so this is like a child saying I didn't want to go to the birthday party I thought I'd be all alone and I I felt scared and I had so much fun that turned out different than what I expected this is a great cognitive strategy for us to slow down and actually tell our brains to pay attention when the feeling is not a fact it's an important signal but it's not a fact and things can turn out different than what we expect yeah that's amazing oh I love that I love that um let's talk about um um what is the biggest lesson you've learned um from counseling couples over the years oh that's such a lovely question

I think our what I've learned is that our humanness is our strength our vulnerability is our strength and when we have someone to stand by our side and teach us how to do this how to understand our humanness it's beautiful and it results in connection and and and empowerment um but a lot of people perhaps didn't have someone to teach them how to do that and I love being able to be part of that process of helping people change their attachment the great thing about attachment is whatever style you grew up with or adapted to Growing Up we know from research and in in therapy that attachment can become more secure one of the ways is through therapy so what my couples and therapy has taught me um over the years working with people is that our humanness is our strength oh wow that's that's magical you know it's it's great because end of the day we are all humans and you know being just you with your partner and you know able to share the you inside you with them that means everything yeah most definitely most definitely wow that's amazing that that blows my mind well what's like for the audience today um everybody who's listening watching this uh what's one piece of advice every couple should hear about building a healthy wealthy and a happy future together I think we've talked about some wonderful key takeaways today for secure attachment for bonding connection slow down we go so fast you know I think uh Stella at the start of the podcast episode today you shared that we're so busy we're doing so many things I think it would

be it would be an error on our part to normalize that that's how we're built to live I think we're doing it I think we're juggling 50 balls in the air I think we're busy professionals

having relationships having children maybe or maybe that's not on the cards or you feel like that's not you can't do it either you feel like you can do it all or you feel like you can't do it all either way I think you're in the same boat we're living in we're choosing to live in a society where the expectation is you go a 100 miles an hour and I think it's an error to believe that that is the way we designed to function we know when not we have researched that tells us when not yes so slowing down people think they're slowing down they're really not like take what you think slowing down is and then like take it down another like 50 Notches at least like slow pace like slow it down and the reason I emphasize slowing down is because when we go fast we're talking from our logical mind yes which we're taught and nurtured in this Society all the way from school right to professional adults we're taught that's that's what you need but it's not true as humans we're emotional beings and emotions are really powerful signals you can really misinterpret a signal if you don't slow down to receive it and make sense of it so slow down slow down these important conversations make time I often say to to my clients I don't have a magic one to give you but there is an important decision to make mhm you're either going to slow down figure out how to slow down and I can teach you that in therapy and you're going to choose to nurture and take time for this relationship that you're telling me is really important to you or you're going to come up with all the reasons you can't and the relationship will continue the way that you're telling me it's going so wow what an incredible conversation um this is amazing amazing insights that you are sharing um and I thank you so much for doing that with us on this time um we've explored the key ingredients to building a healthy wealthy relationship trust communication Financial alignment and most importantly a shared vision for the future huge thank you to suena for sharing such valuable insights at the end of day you're most welcome at the end of the day the relationships whether romantic business family are built on connection exactly as to what you were mentioning before and just like in real estate or business success any kind of relationships comes from being intentional making smart decisions and informed choices and that's exactly what you know break down for us today if today's episode resonated with you be sure to share it with someone who might need to hear this on their end and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode at the sellout talk show until next time sua thank you so much for your time remember build strong foundations invest in what matters the most and create a life filled with love success and purpose Happy Valentine's Day to everybody and I'll see you in the next episode thank you thank you thank you for spending your time with us on the Stellar talk show we hope you found value in today's episode and gained insights to help elevate your lifestyle if you enjoyed the discussion please like subscribe and share it with anyone who could benefit it means the world to us until our next episode stay inspired and I'll see you soon on our next Stellar talk show