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The Public Nuisance Podcast
Host Sean McComb interviews various guests
The Public Nuisance Podcast
The Public Nuisance Podcast #046 Barred from Every Pub in West Belfast with Aaron Smyth
Welcome to a new episode of The Public Nuisance Podcast with me, Sean McComb.
This week we welcome Aaron Smyth to the podcast.
We cover football highs, West Belfast childhood, Young Player of the Year, drink and drugs before matches, 16 years lost to addiction, barred from every pub, suicidal lows, finding sobriety, reconnecting with family, and much more.
New episodes every Tuesday.
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Sean McComb
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Killen Studios
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That Prize Guy
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The Public Nuisance, sean McCullough, welcome to this episode of the Public Nuisance Podcast, brought to you from Killin Studios, right here, where you can get all your content on Videos, photoshoots, podcasts tailored for you. You name it, it's here. Big shout out to that praise guy, my sponsor. Big shout out to that praise guy, my sponsor, doing thousands of pounds and praises everyday watches. Luxury holidays, luxury cars, classy cars, who knows? Get yourself involved in the draw and you could be a lucky winner. Arne Smith, pleasure to have you on, mate. Good to see you, sean, been a wee while it's been a while, hasn't it?
Speaker 1:yeah, it's been a wee while. Eh, I'd say, probably the last time you were probably on the car.
Speaker 2:Is this why?
Speaker 1:Probably, probably. That's a good sign because you start. That's when you know you're doing well, when you take a back seat and you disappear from society and all the surroundings.
Speaker 2:That probably will pull you back into. I do drag you in. You know it's easy. It's easy just to be caught up. You know, for now, for me, now, I just stay out of it. You know what I mean. I stay out of trouble and try and just stay away from any temptation. I have to, I have to. You know what I mean I do our Liam, we were just talking before.
Speaker 1:He's obviously a lab monster, your Stephen they're working the car they're funny they're caring, aren't they?
Speaker 2:I give him about 10-15 minutes and I have to leave again. He's fucking nuts, he is he drinks about 17 coffees a day as well our names are the same.
Speaker 1:It's obviously like it's just a substitute, it's an addiction addictive personality, even Stephen's eating.
Speaker 2:He fucking he always does he always does his eating, like every time I go in their house, he's a 10 or 9 o'clock, he does.
Speaker 1:He does some eating, but he's. But, like you say, the addictive personality. Like I was speaking about this a few weeks ago, I had mates I grew up with who, like would cut out one thing and just go on like say like smoking weed flat out, and then try and stop smoking weed and would just start taking coke just swabs to something else.
Speaker 2:There was none after a while. It's just a comfort, you see or like gambling.
Speaker 1:It's just the comfort. You see, I didn't start booting or gambling.
Speaker 2:It's just the comfort, it's just any way of avoiding a discomfort in yourself or me. Anyway, I had this self-hating for myself. I hated who I was and even though I didn't like, I hid that well, when I was younger I was quite popular. You know what I mean. I always said I almost played football. I was quite popular, but underneath it all I was fucking squealing inside. You know what I mean. My incis were turning inside out all the time and I had no confidence, even though I played football. No confidence whatsoever. And all that stuff drugs, women, cars, even money it was all just a void. It was just for me to feel better like if I had a woman by my side.
Speaker 2:I felt like, oh fuck, I can not feel better. You know what I mean. Look at me, look at me, look what I'm able to do. And it was all ego.
Speaker 1:It was all just pure ego, well like because you grew up in a house with five older brothers.
Speaker 2:You're the youngest. I was youngest. What was that like?
Speaker 1:it had to be like, it must have been like, obviously. I have a few older brothers, like I have. Liam Dee Ger. I have a younger sister.
Speaker 2:I have a younger son your house probably was a bit like mine. It was fucking chaotic. You know what I mean. Back in them days, sean, people didn't come and give you a hug when you were crying, you got to slap around your ear and totally get out the door. You know what I mean. And you just got the same treatment. But like I've been doing a bit of writing, obviously in the programme and stuff like that, and I've been able to piece, I was in the house that morning Trauma, trauma, 100%. And so I was in the house that morning and I remember all the the fellas coming to the door and just flicking my man to his side and trailing Gab down the stairs and taking him away. And From that day forward I think the dynamic in my man's house Changed. It changed completely, like Like my dad. You wouldn't know my dad as a drinker, but but back in years ago I can remember my dad got through a period where he was fucking. I watched him stumble and fall over the street and all he didn't come home for days himself. Yeah, like his way of coping was probably going to drink.
Speaker 2:And I know that because the work I've done, that I couldn't cope. I couldn't cope with general life Like the simple wee things used to set me off and all I wanted to do was drink. I couldn't cope with good feelings Couldn't. Couldn't cope with bad feelings, anything at all. If I felt shit, I wanted to use. If I felt good, fuck, I was burning straight in the bar after football. I mean, that's just the way it was. But growing up I was a bit mental. It's only now that I'm able to piece it all together. I don't know why. You can never really say that's the reason I ended up addicted to substances, right. But what I do know is that surely might have had an effect on me, because it wasn't just Gavin. You know what I mean. Gavin got shat or Gavin got beat when he was 16, he was the youngest punishment beaten in West Belfast and then after him he was beat about five or six times and then Seamus was shat, and then after Seamus, wayne was shat.
Speaker 2:And when we had more rain I used to go to youth club play football, trying to be the best kid I could be. I used to get a call from youth club to go up and have the wash and clean the rain and all. Do you know what I mean? And I'm proud to say that I was able to do that. See, if you asked me to do that two years ago, sean, I wouldn't have been able to do that because the progression of bad that I wasn't even functioning. I couldn't function a normal daily life. You know what I mean. Every single day was a struggle to me and I hit it well, I didn't show it to anybody, but when my kids like I said I spoke about before when my kids were all around me, I was just just ready to blow all the time, or else, if I wasn't ready to blow, I was constantly crying, even when I was on the drink.
Speaker 1:I've seen you as well. I feel like a lot of the like trauma that's stuck in Seiji comes out when you're drinking or when you're using because I've seen you and I've seen you talk about stuff and I've had to myself, like I'd be sitting sober a lot of times. I would call the Lawrence the next day and I the stuff you're saying I'm going.
Speaker 2:He's like struggling that's his way of talking, the way I was trying to speak.
Speaker 1:He's confident.
Speaker 2:I was saying it because everyone else is on that level of like talking personal shit and you're saying stuff, and you can see, and I'm going, I was like but look, when I look back, it was some sort of feeling that I was feeling inside that I didn't understand, because back then I had no understanding of what the fuck was going on. I just hated, hated everything, hated everything about me. I hated the way I was. I hated being insecure. I hated being so emotional. You know what I mean. You probably see me crying. You probably see me crying fucking all the time. You know what I mean. Me and Martin had an argument and I'd put's just the way it was. I was just so sensitive and overly emotional, fucking, very insecure and like the football. The football for a while sort of made me be able to channel. That football gave me a freedom like and I've been doing like I said, I was doing a bit of writing and I can take football right back to my fucking early days when standing at the front door and just bouncing about and happiest times and like. I don't remember none of my childhood, sean, for some reason and I'm only starting to realise that I can't remember none of my childhood my ma's the best ma that you could ever have hoped for. She gave me everything I wanted. You know what I mean and I can never remember good parts, like I always remember all them big, massive traumas, poor Mildred's coming to the door, like poor Mildred sent a funeral car to my mad's door one day and I answered the door to the hearse asking for the body of my bro. And my bro wasn't even dead. You know what I mean here and my mad has passed out. My mad has fainted, passed out and I was like what the fuck do I do here? You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:And then, obviously, I progressed for years, like I watched my ma Go through multiple and multiple breakdowns and, to be honest, that was the hardest part Of my upbringing, that that I don't really and haven't really spoke about Watching my ma, me being the youngest and me being the closest to her. Probably at that time Watching her suffer Was so hard for me. And Now that I've done all the work, I can understand that I had this Felt, this responsibility Growing up and this responsibility growing up, and I didn't know what it was at the time, but I felt like I had to be the one to change, to change the dynamic in my whole family or else make my ma happy. So I spent my whole life then trying to please my ma, make her happy and give her everything she wanted from a young age. Like it's traumatising for anybody younger through ya, but listen, she's still's a fucking strong woman for what she's been three weeks as a ball.
Speaker 1:I think they're all.
Speaker 2:They're all built that way, built that way, like they're all, like. Your family was the same. Your family was mental as well.
Speaker 1:I think, like cause, when you were younger like obviously you were older than me and I always like looked up and seen all you, like you just always had a football, you're free constantly and then you go. How does this happen? How did it change? Because you would Like you would never know it, like you wouldn't have known Back then that you were like Going to Doing that road Because you.
Speaker 1:Like. You didn't Like when all your mates Were probably standing Drinking in the street. You were like me. To be honest with you, I didn't like you wasn't a drink when all your mates were standing in the corner drinking. You know what I mean. Like even like Gahan, and all were standing drinking and all Emonds were. You were, you were.
Speaker 2:I didn't, and that's like even.
Speaker 1:So, you go like wonder when it just goes like like that. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:See, to be honest, like so, even quickly bailing, that I wasn't comfortable. I wasn't comfortable being going out because first thing that happened I got a variety and straight away it made me feel that's it. It made me feel tiny, so I stopped going out. And when I did start going out, I used to sit in a corner and get one of my mates to go to a bar and I didn't like drinking for some reason, from the very. I'll tell you a story the first time we ever had a drink, I was down there up In the East 30th streets and I spotted Stephen drinking and I must have been About 12, 11, 12, and Stephen came around and grabbed me by an arc and made me drink 2WKD, so couldn't turn on.
Speaker 3:You were drinking when he was drinking, yeah yeah, so couldn't turn on.
Speaker 2:I mean, and after that I was drinking. I used to be sick. Yeah, I had this thing where, even at that age, as soon as I drank, I wanted to guzzle everything. I wanted to drink everything all at once and it made me constantly sick. And I got to the point where, obviously, I tried it when I was young and it didn't really because I was constantly being sick. I stopped it and then I trained. I trained like a freak, like addiction. I trained like an addict in the gym, you know what I mean. Even running me and Martin were running one day as well and he was doing about 10 sports at once gaelic football, boxing and I thought he was going to blow me out of the water. And I used to do. He used to do his runs at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning and he used to sit and watch TV Doing sit ups. No, I was just freaky. It's not normal to have a childhood Like that. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Just driven, obviously driven in a way, but like.
Speaker 2:It's a void.
Speaker 1:It's something that you're trying. You're black and sub-nude.
Speaker 2:Black and sub-nude and I Didn't really notice all that Until only now. You know what I mean. Yeah, and like that, obviously, that rave. I had that rave in me. See, when I went to Climbo. I never believed I was good enough, sean. I didn't think I was the best in my age group in football levels. I never played for the World Cup teams. I didn't play for Northern Ireland up until I was nearly 16, 17. And then, 16 years of age, 15, sorry, newhill, I won play of the year and players play, and I didn't turn up to the presentation because I didn't.
Speaker 3:That's just my main tells me all the time that.
Speaker 2:I'm not good enough, so I didn't go to the presentation, and then I ended up winning two awards Players' Player, amateur's Player. Once you get Players' Player, you're respected.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:The year after again, kirkley Graham was selected to go to a Clivenville select team to go to America and obviously me and him playing the same team. He was picked before me so he joined Clippenville in that pre-season and he goes to me. Come up for me. No join. I was like I won't get on, I'm not going up, I'm not going up. Same for Clippenville, again under 16 one play of the year and players player. So I was two years and then you start to believe we would have met developer.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. But I started to believe fuck me, I'm capable of playing here.
Speaker 2:I'm not even just capable of them like so quickly I progressed that quickly, I was more than matching them, you know what I mean. And then under 16, clive Mill, obviously 17s, clive Mill under 18. And then I won player of the year and players player again and within, for some reason, there was players playing in front of me in the reserve team that I didn't think were better on me at that stage and he ended up. He believed that I was too small, so I played one reserve game and only played one or two reserve games, bang straight into the Climbwell first team up training with him and that third time. Again, like I spoke to you about the freedom, the freedom I had when the name early days after my debut, me and my debut in my 17th and I remember phoning Kurtie Bailey Martin, obviously, and then saying to him listen, I can play at her level. And that was the truth of that.
Speaker 2:I believed that I could because finally, I was feeling like I was matching people not even matching them, but I was doing things. You know what I mean just level, like obviously, like, like it's even for you boxing like people, what do you call? People mature at different ages oh, I was the same.
Speaker 1:I was a late developer, like I said, and I was just talking about that today with someone, but I was doing pads up in the, I was doing positive big downer and we were talking about like kids when I was I didn't my first, I was till I was 15. And then every year after I would see every year before it, I finals get beat by people who were just more mature than me. Rd was winning from the weights.
Speaker 2:From the weights I remember D 12,.
Speaker 1:RD won them when he was 11, and they were just winning the highest titles, and they used to slag me, torture me, be like you're a shit, so are Stephen, so.
Speaker 1:I got tortured every night in my house going you're shit, you can't even. I was only one at that moment. So I was like fuck, that was like my driving or proving wrong when I won the first one. It was like one fuck, you can't win, that's easy. And then they won five in a row or something and I was like I'll win more and I just I'll win more and I'll win more and from there I won year at every level right up to elite.
Speaker 2:I think it must be like a belief system in yourself too that helps you progress. Because when you constantly have the same doubts which I fancy know, which made me, like you were talking about the how I ended up that way earlier on, when I sort of went off to half a year, but alright, so when I was, what does drinking start it for me? See, we're clinical around Liverpool around. At that time Eddie Patterson was the manager and he was on my case constantly. I had just one young player a year I was in team of the year for the Irish League and that's a big achievement.
Speaker 1:See, if you've done that now for, like Linfield young player a year or something, you'd probably be able to cross water in a year, in a period of 10 years didn't go across the water.
Speaker 2:But again it comes back to that belief. Gerry Corley was only a football agent, he'd only been coming through and he asked me did I want to? There's a couple of trials set up for me. Would I go? And I said straight up no. And he was like why? And I says just not good enough, I won't go. But that was game me. My head just constantly tells me that I'm not good enough. And and I stayed.
Speaker 2:And after winning young player of the year and team of the year, and then the next season, and we were playing Copenhagen and all in the Champions League and I played left wing, just chasing players about, and I ended up going to Eddie Tommy Braz, in God rest him, he's dead now and Braz, he was assistant. And Braz, he came to me and says you've played the least. And just letting you know and obviously nudging me, you need to speak up for yourself here. You're just one young player of the year and you've played the least minutes of every player in the squad. And he nudged me to more or less go and speak to Eddie. And I went and spoke to Eddie at that time and asked him why I've played the least minutes and why I'm playing everywhere else, but the position of one young player of the year, somebody else going to play in front and, to be honest, I didn't mean that because I was still going to play, but the attitude towards me.
Speaker 2:Eventually, sean, it got to the point where it destroyed me right and the freedom that I got playing football had gone. Yeah, when I was going to play, all I thought about was he's going to call me names, he's going to do this, he's going like. When I look back sometimes, when I look back, I go to myself you should have been stronger, because to be any sportsman, as you know, you have to be mentally strong. See, at that age it only took one thing to send me off the rails, and obviously the traumas and the upbringing probably didn't help the situation either. But once that happened, there was no in between, so I'm bang as soon as I started drinking from there I was blackout drunk and blackout drugs for 16 years now, liam, and the whole 16 year period.
Speaker 2:Not once have I ever been home Like one night. Oh nah, do you know what I mean? Never in my life, I'm sure you've. You know what I mean. Many times you've seen me sitting, even sometimes, when you used to come in, everybody was sleeping.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I was just dabbling about the house. You know what I?
Speaker 3:mean I'm young, where is?
Speaker 2:everyone and everybody's like zombies Just fucking laying all over the place and I go to myself. I used to go. How can fucking? I used to think, how can a wee man like me take so much drugs and take drinks so much? 100%, and it was clearly because my mind was built to complete, to avoid myself as much as possible, so it didn't matter the amount of drugs or drink I took. I was still chasing another high you know what I mean and that kept me going for so long, like five, six. I was able to stay awake for six days at a time you know what I mean which is insane when you think about it.
Speaker 1:It's mad. Where I developed from you've ever. Obviously you do your 12 step program and everything else and you're like your friend.
Speaker 1:It's great to see it's refreshing to see it's like the new, it's class to see and I love like see our Liam. A year and a half ago I couldn't speak to him. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was just like he's too far gone. I just don't want him near me. He's too nice. I just every time he spoke to me he wrote me. He wrote to me 10 o'clock it was always just after 9 or beyond that, he was probably on the rip he was on the gear every night and he was texting me books slapping.
Speaker 1:You have a fucking damn issue. You know, and I was going. We lived in. We grew up in the same household. I know every single thing that's going on in your life and you know everything that's going on in mine. We've literally lived the same life like no one see people who are sick.
Speaker 2:I mean, that's you, that's you telling yourself, sitting out of your head, fucking see, even Liam back then didn't know he was sick, but that's one of the defects he has.
Speaker 1:I mean I've seen that he gave me back to my man at 60 or 40 all day right and I'm going to the one of the roll or having a drink and he said tax me, how's it going? Because I was at the Feds and I went up late and he wasn't there and he said, sean, I had to get out of here ASAP, like my social anxiety was to the roof. He's like that's my wake up call.
Speaker 1:He's like I'm 11 months sober and you're never really like, you're never really rude he knows that, he says but it's a like that was an eye opener. Never drank again. That is insane, he's like and you always told me how hard it is to win the company sober because I've always done it loads and loads and I, just, like you, need to learn to just put the blinkers on. Just people always tell me how do you do that?
Speaker 2:and it's even harder than having people know you like, you're comfortable like I. We spoke before before the podcast started there, and I was saying to you about, like the things you do, you're comfortable in yourself like people who aren't like. For me anyway, it took me to do all this work on myself before I was able to walk in the room. I walked in the room and I thought everybody was staring at me and everybody hated me and everybody was talking about me straight away. That's the way my head went and that's the disease of addiction. Addiction, addictions, um, you can't tell the difference from reality. Yeah, and insanity. You know what I mean. And every time I walked in the room I felt like all eyes were staring at me and everybody was talking about me and saying but we're lame, even Stephen and all too.
Speaker 1:People don't even know their true potential or their true, their true selves, until it gets over our names when we start and like learn who he is now and you were ashamed.
Speaker 2:You were probably going like what it takes time it's all in me uncomfortable things that I used over. You know what I mean, like even though coming here and you'd be a bit nervous, like I. Now know that when I'm nervous it's just my body's defence to tell me something's wrong or something's happening. You know what I mean, and before I was like fucking something on me that I now sniffed it to take it away or something.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean. Just something that just level 8.
Speaker 2:Just to take the edge of it, level 8 like even see Liam, like it's the thing where me getting clean as well, like I never expected, never expected to help so many people. And like to see Liam. Stephen, like you say, it seems they've changed something on Turf Law, not just me doing it, but I mean for me anyway, people around me I can see that me getting clean it doesn't just help me, it benefits so many, so many other people look like Arlene.
Speaker 1:Just a perfect example Arlene going. You don't know what I've been through. She's the only one in that position. I brought Arlene to the AA. That's her whole story. She says you're going to the AA and I listen to this boss, no more, you're not, don't be taxing me again. You're going to the A. He's like I'm not going. I mean, you fucking are. He's like I'd love to, but I'm not going. Next day I phoned him he's at work because he never fucking answered the phone to me during the day. He was sober.
Speaker 1:I rang him, rang him, rang him. He said I was at the phone. I mean by their uncles and dads and they were fucking.
Speaker 2:They were living in the street.
Speaker 1:People living in the street yeah, Alcoholics, and they're doing well for themselves. They're 10 years sober and I'm like what?
Speaker 2:He's like that's a real outlier.
Speaker 1:See, you thought you think you have problems in Ireland and see, from that day he's never drank anything.
Speaker 2:See, that's like, like you said, he goes self-pity story and that's a part in the rooms that I go to as well. You hear somebody else sharing their story and so much of it you can identify and it changes your whole mindset, like when I first first meeting I ever went to. First meeting I ever went to there was something like 85 people in it, all Americans over. I was just absolutely Shaking myself. So when I just sat down and just bawled my eyes out, I cried for the full hour and cried for about, cried for about six weeks Straight after it, just constantly, constantly cried, and a lot of the time I didn't even know why I was crying.
Speaker 2:But obviously it was a release, just a release that I probably needed to. But it's metal. Like I could never have thought that me getting clean and clean would have helped and branched out to so many people. You know what I mean Seeing Liam, even Steve like I said earlier on, our Steve's household is the happiest house he'll ever walk into, you know what I mean Singing, singing at the top of his lungs.
Speaker 2:It's insane, like it's metal, but it's a happy house and even his kids, his wee girls, are smashing football aren't they. That's her meaning. All that falls away If he doesn't, I know, if she doesn't have A safety place to be in and all that stuff. But it all has an effect and thankfully he's doing his flan.
Speaker 1:He's flying, he's going well. Is he a year yet? He'd be a year now.
Speaker 2:He'd be coming. No, he's coming up to a year.
Speaker 1:He's like a few weeks Before Liam. Because, he was two weeks or three, name our name's 11 months, yesterday or two days ago. So, steven, we come up, maybe next week a year like he was, like a good man, that's like, like that's him, like, if him too can just stick the guy like there's a week, because killian all for me the other day and he's over, and he's telling me about it, and then you know what?
Speaker 1:see the smell that puts my face just seeing like people from here who were like smoking crack and fucking gone, and I have family members in the same situation and I'm going like. I wish these cops would just open their eyes up and go. What am I doing like?
Speaker 2:sometimes people don't say, like information and seeing, I just didn't like, didn't believe, like. I kept telling myself and promised like even all the actors and all the stuff with kids and all the stuff with Kismaz and all was with I promised them every week that I wasn't going to do the same things that I'd done. And to you, I fucking man, this is the thing, but I believed that I was. I meant this. You know what I mean. I'd said it in Finnish and let go back near it.
Speaker 1:A couple of days and if someone tells you You're sick and home and you're not, I'm worried. Back on.
Speaker 2:Tuesday, back on Tuesday. So I used to get periods, it doesn't matter, I was able to get these long periods Off the drink and then, like, get football back together. Like, obviously we're Climbing ball, losing the career, not the career anyway. Back to McCracken's.
Speaker 1:Back to McCracken's.
Speaker 2:I left Climbing ball, left Clive Ball, and then I thought Went to Lisburn and Stirling the drinking and all Was just continuing Recklessly. And then I was saying for Cag Rangers, a year after that again and this is an Irish story, like I don't know how I've done that I played a game, sean. I was out For three or four days Straight Went out a day before A day, two days before Christmas, and the game was the day after Boxing day and I was taking.
Speaker 2:I was taking Easy for fucking Every single All M days. 27, 30 easy. So I probably took All M days and I took the last one On 11 o'clock and the match kicked off At three and I played. I turned up to a match With no boots, no boots, no tracksuit. Jodie Lynch of all people.
Speaker 3:He's clean now as well.
Speaker 2:Let me his jacket and I had a cheek to turn up and play and I played 75 minutes madness, it's a heart attack waiting to happen and I played. I played 75 minutes. Couldn't believe I got through it and I'm just mental.
Speaker 1:I can't even do shit like I don't know it's when you look back, you go fuck me, I could write a book, I could literally write a book it's insane.
Speaker 1:One like that happens. Probably that's going to happen to 90, 90% of, probably more than that. If you look at like 90% of people who run around in a group of people from like the likes of Turf Lodge or like a working class area, that's what's going to happen to 90% of them, people going up like 95%. You know what I mean. Like if I look at every one of my mates I grew up with, I would say I'm probably the only one that's not in addiction to drugs.
Speaker 1:I'm talking Spoon Neko all the lads I grew up with, I think, turf Lodge as well.
Speaker 2:Drugs are everywhere. I've done that conference on Friday or two and one of the guys he was from the country and says how do I protect my kids from an ISIS? Realistically you can't. You can't hold kids in arms 24 7. You can't do it like you can guide them. You can try and give them awareness. You know what I mean. Like I'm speaking about now. I speak about it and people have people watch the other podcasts I've done and it helps them. It gives them some sort of awareness of what they're going through. But for me it took me like I should have known from the very start. I had an issue because early days of Climbal managers were pulling me about. The drink was a problem. They were hearing stories of a party the night before night every year. So Solitude, or Cleveland Crusaders, is a derby every boxing day and I was in the Strony Laws every Christmas night and then get up and just left and straight to the match. Didn't even sleep, just used to go and play the match sometimes and fuck me.
Speaker 1:I know I'd say like, if you think that's you in a sport career like playing football at a high level and doing that and there's people who work at 9 to 5 they're definitely going to be doing it you know what. I mean 9 to 5, and they're finishing Friday. What else are you going to do?
Speaker 2:see the consequences of me using had started right away, and it took me 16 years, sean, to notice you know what? I mean everybody else around me probably noticed you probably going there's fucking. Like I said, you probably wouldn't know who's man. There's something wrong with him, like you know what I mean. You probably seen the states I was lying and you looking at me. You knew right away there was something wrong with me and, like I said, the way I even spoke in the parties and all that.
Speaker 2:It was just you knew like it was trauma, heart to heart he's getting deep shit.
Speaker 1:He's getting a release here. He's getting something off of his chest, that he wants to off his chest, like now, but he won't. He won't do it sober and then it's. It's forgotten about again and then it's like people, I don't know it's. It's smart, but it's.
Speaker 2:It's obviously just something that you just keep doing, because it's like you've probably told 100 million times and 5 different parties over fucking 5 weekends it got to a point for me where sometimes I was thinking that I was helping, like I don't know where my head was at, but I think you were nervous?
Speaker 3:I was you were nervous.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I couldn't help myself and I thought I don't know, I think my mind, I thought I was. I'm obviously scundered just experienced.
Speaker 3:I'm trying to help somebody that can't even f***ing f*** their way home.
Speaker 2:Three days before me I was giving them advice and Harry gets off. Harry helps himself and gets off it, and I'm still sitting there four days later. You know what I mean? It's insane.
Speaker 1:Well, it is, it's just the way. I think it's just the way. Like you know what I mean, I would say see what you were saying, a little bit of shame. I'm a I have like I, I firmly believe what he happened was he was like depressed, a way like oh, he got divorced and all and he he was. He was obviously he was taking drugs and all he was still in court and everything else.
Speaker 1:And then I think he got himself. He was, he was, he was so excited. He speaks about this in a podcast and stuff with James English or something and he he talks openly about it and he's very. He says like I had this thing where and this is an old thing, like he was world champion, I can't was worth like say 40 million loaded, had everything. And he says for like weeks on end working, maybe doing pundit, even after I retired I wasn't seeing my mates for like two or three weeks and then I'd always had it in my head subconsciously they probably think I'm getting too big for my boots. So I always nip back to the bar to see all the lads and then have a drink. And then that's when the addiction was starting and I was sniffing gear with all I'm still.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to tell him I'm not too big for my boots he's still trying to be somebody else, there being his authentic self, alright.
Speaker 1:I am a wee bit better than just sitting in this bar now, because I'm fucking multiple weight world champion.
Speaker 3:I'm unified it's like peer pressure only for an adult.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. He was a skirt. Know what that comes from people saying you're too goofy, or you know that comes from like small minded people. And see if someone says that I used to say this then and every year. If someone says me now like I have family members who say to me you think you are someone now as a joke. See if you say it, meh, I go.
Speaker 2:You know, you know but you, you notice now the baroller, you notice anybody who steps away from crowds and stuff like that. They seem to be doing it well for themselves the other ones like they set boundaries and the other ones just step away from trouble, hassle and shit most of the time. Today's the Saturday, so shit, you know what I mean. You go down, bump into somebody in the street and that's one thing I noticed as well. Getting clean that fucking, fucking uncommon.
Speaker 1:Most people all the people I and Killian, a bit on the phone the other day, was telling me about it. He's like I was bummed on the social. He's like I have nothing to come around. And that's me. All the people I grew up with. Like that's why I started running about in St James's Not my amazing turf on the Paragines Like none of them like. You look like London Spoon R, stephen Marty Brannigan, all the like all the lads was, and you're Martin. So we're running about with Sean Nolan. Now me hijacked him off him. So he's mine. You run about with us, but it was probably only me and Nugget.
Speaker 1:We were the only two people that would go out for a beer when we were 18. Up the court in the morning around 8.30, 30 night project. No one else or my mates owned a pair of jeans. I was all. I'm probably still doing it now. You know what I mean. Fuck this. Every weekend I'm standing in the street drinking at 18, 19. I've been doing this when I was 13 and we're still doing it. And I'm 18. I'm legal to go into a bar. Fuck this, I'm away at that age.
Speaker 3:Hang on, you're trying to touch my new bird though you're not going to get in the street, nico, get me. I'm not going to get in the street, nico. I'm not going to get in the street, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Get me out of here, the fuck's right. I started running about Down St James and then you were going out and having a swall and you're on the way forward and then you started.
Speaker 2:It opened your, it just opened your mind About the other places, other homes. You know what I mean, and it's like, and then that's the thing when you're strong and you're your own person, like you leave people behind. You know what I mean. You have to like for your own benefit you're on your own venture.
Speaker 1:You're on your own venture.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. You have to learn for yourself. You can't just be stuck with the same crowd or doing what they do just because they like it. You have to like it. You know what I mean. I wanted to be with the crowd. I actually hate it being on my own, to be honest. So I'd sit with anybody. That's because it's true, but now it's different. I obviously can sit on my own, but in the past I hate it. I hate it being on my own because, any time I was on my own.
Speaker 2:I just needed to go somewhere, call and see somebody a lot of times.
Speaker 1:I've always been on my own. I see him still this day. I'll go for a. I would go and sit. I go to Amsterdam train. I would go and eat on my own, go to a coffee shop on my own, just sitting people watch. I love it I love that.
Speaker 2:I love that now so much going on in my head. I hate it, but on my own. Do you know what I mean? I I be scared of my own thoughts and obviously towards the end, for me my thoughts were so, so. So you know, like I used to have this thing where I thought I wish some car hit me, like I be going driving to work, everybody else around me you know what I mean and to get myself away from drinking drugs all the time, because it was just a face of circle, it's probably just like like shame.
Speaker 1:It's like I was saying, like what you had him clean and then he was sweet, then phrases and he done that dance on ice and all and he was going around with Claire Sweeney and all this carry on.
Speaker 1:He relapsed here and I'm like that's why I say relapse is the worst thing that happens to people, because it's so like, you're so ashamed of what you've done you're so ashamed you feel like a loser, like I can't even, like I've told all these people have been helping me and I'm just broke and I'm sitting here on my own and he's probably just went fuck it and the shame and guilt stops you from going and getting that help again, because you feel like you've let everyone down and I've watched people all the time see the way it's happened.
Speaker 2:See the people who went out and relapsed. See their next, their next period of using drugs. It's nowhere near what it was before, but it's a hundred times worse. Like you can't take as much drugs. Now they have an understanding of why they took the drugs in the first place, because what was going on in their head and stuff and every time they take it, all they can think about is I should? They know now they shouldn't be doing it. They know they shouldn't be doing it Before they even do it. Before they do it, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:But once they do it, they're scared away from it just by using all the time and you see, as Ricky had, and I didn't know if his was his well, I was speaking to a fella from Manchester who's friends with him and he phoned me before it was even out in the news. He phoned me and he was like yeah, ricky, he cut his thumb off. And I was like what see?
Speaker 2:when I see like because the thing is we're dicking, you're never out of your woods, like my thing is, no matter what. I struggle to cope with feelings, right, obviously being that emotional and insecure and all that stuff. It stays with me, but I learn to cope with it better. Do you know what I mean? And at any given day when I'm feeling sad, that thought of using the game comes back into my head. Do you know what I mean? So even though I two years clean here like I'll still still are.
Speaker 1:You're a dick of fervour. You're a dick of fervour.
Speaker 2:You're a dick of fervour you'll still come on. You're just fighting with the temptation, but that's the thing where you get support, support fucking like good connection with people and it keeps you in the loop of when you're not feeling great, you'll be able to just feel the same like everyone else they're obviously all feeling the same, so you can all help each other.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean, but as soon as, as soon as my experience anyway, as soon as I've or I'm feeling a certain way, now it is, and I tell somebody, even you, when I told you come round, I was nervous, it may settle me, settles me straight away, because now I don't feel like I have to hate, I'm nervous because of what I told you.
Speaker 1:You know what? Like, you're nervous for a sweat now, are we?
Speaker 2:but like, and that's how it will be when it happens. I feel like.
Speaker 1:I'm very honest about stuff, no, like I don't care enough of what people think, so I just tell them I have, like I'm sure I'm a sufferer.
Speaker 2:That's another big thing it drives people too. You see, like I say, they walk in the room and I can thought everybody was staring at me, talking about me or watching me. Like everybody, everybody has them thoughts. Not everybody thinks or worries about what everybody else thinks. I know, like I see, it's about that peer pressure and all to you, that's one probably where I.
Speaker 1:I'm good that way, like like Derval, always like comment on it, she's like you just don't care what people say, I go, I don't care, like for me, I look after myself, I'm clean, I dress alright, the way I like to dress and I'm like I'm not saying, well, don't think for an uncertain guy looking, but I don't care what people think about looking and I don't care what people think of me.
Speaker 1:I don't know where I'd have developed from my dad's. Very like my. My dad doesn't care about anything, like he just seems to have that. He just doesn't care what he says to people. He's very cheeky. He doesn't care who he insults. He's like and he's just. That's the way he is and he's like, so what?
Speaker 2:But it's strong man Like for you being a. Obviously, like I said to you, I sometimes think I should have been stronger.
Speaker 1:Yeah, eddie Patterson, you could have spoke and told him.
Speaker 2:you know, do you fuck off, or even when I want a transfer, like when things weren't going well, I should have been able to stick it out. You know what? I mean where I just straight away turned to once that football started to slay it a wee bit and the enjoyment was coming out of it. Then I turned straight to drinking drugs and then, obviously, I know you have to be mainstream if you didn't have that inner self belief in yourself. How do you get back exactly? You know?
Speaker 1:what I mean. Growing up, I showed up at the Olympics in 2016. I fought Albert Salmo, world champion at the world championships. He's a legend. He's the only fighter that ever beat Lomachenko world champion. I beat him 100%, beat him to give it to him 2-1 split and I was like that was my chance for the Olympics and I was heartbroken probably for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, heartbroken. But I was like, what do you do? Back on the saddle, go again. And then there was loads of wee things happening me throughout my career, like big fucking opportunities, like Olympic Games was something I dreamt of my whole life. And at that, olympics so to come off games here and then going pro. And then you go to america and you're fighting arnold barbosa in front of 17 000 people at the barclays center pay-per-view. And then people go fuck me. Now people are saying me like I think, like a couple months ago, or like are you gonna fight again? Are you you're gonna give it all?
Speaker 1:because you had that break I'm trying to get a fight. I don't know, I'm trying to fight and fucking can't get a fight, and then, nah, I'm fighting again, I'm back, fuck, I'm back. I didn't stop boxing. I still trained that whole year. I just couldn't get a fight because you weren't in the loop because you weren't fighting and period. And then I'm back because it was irrelevant that's the way it is.
Speaker 2:You know what I?
Speaker 1:mean so anyone else would just go to like I was speaking. There was a friend of mine. He was on this podcast. He's a therapist and he helps loads of people with trauma and drug addiction and he's fucking. He's a brilliant fan. I've been speaking to him and he's like you've almost like in a way, because I was drinking every weekend and all and just having like going out for dinner and having a few beer. Same again Sunday going out for dinner, a few beer, having on for over a year like drinking for Saturday and Sunday. We're like I'm not saying it was really bad, but I the way.
Speaker 2:I stand my standard and you can't do that but I was going to no fights.
Speaker 1:I've no one to fight, so what's what's the point? So it was like Saturday dinner. An excuse. I'm going to go for dinner Just so I can have a few pints. I wasn't out every weekend With a lads fucking party, and the way he was Sitting for the Fucking score and I was. And I was going to myself. This is doing my head and I'm stuck in a rut here Ranging out for dinner Friday, saturday, sundays. Drinking Friday night Saturday night Sunday.
Speaker 2:And before you know it, you're cracking and I'm just.
Speaker 1:I was in that rut every weekend for about fucking a year and then he was saying to me like you've almost, it's almost, as if, like you've accepted that, you're retiring more or less because you weren't getting that fight because you're not getting fights. But why are you not getting fights? And he was like he made it all make sense and it's almost as if, like, that's what me, when you're fighting, and I was going fuck it, god knows.
Speaker 2:God knows, it's a way of avoiding. Ah, because obviously that obsession hurts you, that you're not fighting. You want fights and you can't get them. See, you're boxing to your identity. Part of you, boxing is part of you. When you don't have it and people are coming to you every now and again saying, well, you're not fighting no more and thinking you're retired.
Speaker 1:You're losing your identity. Morning I was calling people out on twitter and they were probably going.
Speaker 2:Fucks sake he's hit me a few times. Big stories, big stories. Who you slaver do? I'm going to break your neck and I'm going to leave.
Speaker 3:That's just the way it goes he made me understand.
Speaker 1:He's right, he's going. You need to look at yourself like a world champion. He's right, he's going. You need to look at yourself like the world's happening and I am, but it's a mentality as I say, all the best footballers in the world.
Speaker 2:They have this mentality. As soon as anything bad happens, they come back. You know what I mean. They come back with any sport in the world. No matter what sport you play, you need to be strong minded. You know what I mean For sure, because, no matter what happens, a lot of the time negative things or bad things happen for a reason For you to become back strong, become a better person. It's a test of character isn't it.
Speaker 2:It took me to nearly be, to not want to be here no more. Yeah, until I was brave enough to ask for help and change my life. You know what I mean. If I didn't suicidal so, I would never have reached out and got help because I'd have got three or four days clean again and I went I'm alright, fuck all around me. You know what I mean. And then a week later I'd be like oh, cram, is it? You know what I mean. Like what do I do with my life? You know what I mean your life's falling apart around you and I just wasn't able to see it. But it's just a mentality thing and so a lot of people don't have like me. I don't know what it was for me it took just that football thing was enough to send me completely gone. You know what I mean I. So I sometimes go to myself I should have been stronger, but should have been. I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean, if that's the issue, we're, we're clearing in on the no mean the person you are, and I didn't know all this other land stuff of like trauma like I say, I was a late developer too and in that age group and there was me, and then, like me, I was just like a fucking child. And then the next one to me was about five years difference, so I had to carry myself as arrogant, cheeky, and I played football and I was aggressive, like I was really, really aggressive you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I smacked people all over the place and on the pitch I felt like I could match people. But in the chains room, fuck, I was shaking like a dog's neck the whole time. You know what I mean, and even the first time I ever walked in that Klimval chains room too. Do you ever remember the big rockport boots I used to have a?
Speaker 1:big. I used to have a.
Speaker 2:I had a big pair of black rockport boots, a suit on pair of white socks and big white stripes along the rockport boots at the bottom, I getting them binned. And my ma bought me black neck ones wearing herb up on them black neck boots, you know what I mean. I was wearing emmer suits and all so I was fucking that, even slagging, even getting slagged like that about that wee stupid stuff, insane.
Speaker 1:I was insane.
Speaker 2:I was fucking squealing.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean, couldn't handle it like you were saying earlier about growing up in a household with five older or the youngest I was the youngest too, but my household we just slagged. We were all thick skinned because we just slagged every single day. Even still, to this day, all we do is slag each other as soon as we see each other, it's not like. It's like what the heck? You're a her go ahead crowbar team it's just pure slagging, and it doesn't stop.
Speaker 1:It does not stop see like we were she, like I was on a bed and D and Liam would be in that room, me and Ger would be in that room.
Speaker 3:Someone would knock a wall like that, I go. What, oh, and Liam would go, did you shit yourself and just shit stuff in there, shit a wee and I'd go fuck you up, and then what? And then just keep knocking on the door let him stop and go to sleep.
Speaker 1:He's going. Hey, sean, what? What's your? What's your?
Speaker 3:put him in there, he's going fuck me. Well, our house is the same.
Speaker 2:Even our Steve, our Steve, even me and our Steve were drinking again. He used to do my head and there used to be a crowd of people sitting in the party and he says, alright, I'm fucking fucking firebat out there doing football, stephen. Stephen was a good footballer. He slacked a few native school of actions when he was under 10 or something and every time we were in a party he'd come up serious, I'm fucking firebat, aren't you? What do you mean? I'm firebat, aren't you? He'd be cracking up and all that. I was going, stephen, I play ice league football. What have you ever played? It's your. I mean, I can play that. No shit, I'm the cunt. I'm as serious as fuck. Jesus, the amount of times I had to go. Do you have my head on? Let us shut up. Or did you say?
Speaker 1:People go to me. Who's better? People do this to me and D. Who's better? Like, tell the truth, I mean me and D go, you're bored. I slapped my head on you. I go. No, you wouldn 18 and you were running a couple of hours. I mean you didn't even go anywhere near the level. I've boxed it. I mean this is the thing. You're talking shit because you didn't make it anywhere near the level that I did that's what I used to say to him as well.
Speaker 2:I mean, football doesn't matter. 11, 10, 11, 12 years of age.
Speaker 1:That's when football matters, you start with a sample season, because when you're a kid playing football, you may have been a cracking footballer, but you're just running all up this.
Speaker 2:But even usually the bigger ones were always the best at that age, you know what I mean and I go and full people and a party full of people and I go. What age did you stop at? How can you be better?
Speaker 3:I mean you stop playing.
Speaker 1:See your Stephen For being Like he was. He's small and all. He was very mature when he was younger. Cause I remember like Like he would have Ran about with Dan and Paul and I was married with him. Like people being afraid of him, loads of people being afraid of him.
Speaker 2:You know what?
Speaker 1:I mean, I was like fuck me.
Speaker 2:But I Cause, when he was small I think it's just in some of us too Stephen obviously suffered as well with a drink. You know what I mean. But his way of avoiding who he was was the drink. And then, even younger, he just. I was that scared of people attacking me. I had to be the one to be cheeky and arguing first. You know what I mean. Even in a party, I always felt like it. I always felt like I'm going to have to slag him here before he starts slagging me leg of me and then a last leg of me, and that's I was obviously. Stephen was the same way. He obviously felt like he had to be on the boat being a wee bully boy to keep people away and protect himself. But that is a way of protecting yourself. You know what I mean. Just be aggressive.
Speaker 1:I didn't do. Fuck wires that day and I just get name and Davey, and that's the only thing that I can sort of do your house must be a mad house too if I get in a fight. I remember I was fighting with one of my mates, ricey, before he took his hat off and was fucking about throwing his hat about and he just thundered me right, just turned around me, we were all throwing his hat about and he was running boom and just hit me right there, right in the eye, right in the blue eye.
Speaker 1:What was that? Me and him were scuffing fighting phrases. He was nagged. I remember fucking, having him there and punching at him and then it all broke up and I went home. My dad went. Who the fuck do you think you are?
Speaker 2:Oh, your dad's in this.
Speaker 1:Oh I.
Speaker 2:Fuck man, Was that because you were boxing?
Speaker 1:I don't know he goes. What Fuck? I mean, he fights every week. How?
Speaker 2:many other words do you have? He still fights every week. He still fights every week. You know what?
Speaker 1:My dad went, nuts, I just want to take him back.
Speaker 2:But like see, yous are all, yous are all respectful.
Speaker 1:Know what I mean, even though you don't go anywhere to beat people, no matter.
Speaker 2:Brad's D loads of times going to hit people because they hit somebody else.
Speaker 1:Know what I mean. He's like trying to bully the bully. The bully. D was always like that. I know, now I'm a D room and D's away slapping people's ears him and fucking like, oh, they were in cafes and it was the night I actually got arrested, right, so I got I got done for fucking assault the police officer, disorderly behaviour and resisting arrest over us, right you morphed into Dane Liam for one night we went out.
Speaker 1:We only got back from the world championships me and Mac Callum Mac Callum wanna go Maddlin off. We done like a wee bus tour and all like open tap bus went the way. Four rock bar, all different bars ended up in cafes, ended up rolling in our day when I said fucking Laco, slap rubber neck. Ginger aw day ended up slapping Laco. Laco went. He's fucking scum back, he's a housebreaker or something like that. So fuck you wouldn't slap me like that. And Laco went what are you even caring for him? And Laco ended. I was trying to break it up. Caps had day and I had a cap Chased me.
Speaker 1:Caught me, I ended up with sales all night and then got charged with it, Fuck's sake. So I was going the next day I got a sales lacquer from me. He was like your day fucking still rang me. You're looking to meet me for a fur day. I had a phone day. My butt's cracked. I was like why are you ringing that? Like I don't have my fur leg. Didn't care what I mean, why I mean that was my mate.
Speaker 3:I don't care.
Speaker 1:I mean you don't care. I mean why were you fainting him for?
Speaker 3:because he slapped rubberneck he actually caught himself on. He started laughing. Laughing, didn't he?
Speaker 1:like you know what I mean. Like look do you? Know, what I mean nothing to do with, but you's all.
Speaker 2:You's all have it in you. You know what I mean. He's don't like to see a bully, but it's a good trait. You know what I mean. He's a good lad. He's a good person, he's a real good lad. As mad as he is, he's a good cunt.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean, I teach you to his fight. To Windsor Park watching Lewis Crockett fight. And I had a spur ticket, ring say ticket. So I phoned him. It was my mass 60. I thought now it would sound lame how to leave. So I phoned him and says hang on to his fight. Do you want to go have a spur ring say ticket? Go down and watch the fight. He's like no, sean, I have a friend, he's Ron that does a lot more than Ron and I. He was my wife and I didn't want to see Mila do it anymore and me. So what? Should you come down here and fucking go watch a fight? She's like no, I'm not drinking, I'm not drinking, I'm over drinking, just watching the fight, you're allowed to. And he's like no, I'm going to go up and show my face to my ma's party, throw a card in, drop my shoulder, get a pizza with kids. And he tells me right now, sweat. Should we change our mind? You know we're on Sat there anyway. The fight was over, jumped in the car, flew up the court in the morning I showed my face myself, walked in, looked through the dance floors RD upside down headstands here's
Speaker 3:me fuck 20 females. He's not doing anything, he done it.
Speaker 2:I don't know. Hey guys, I'm in the new over 35 and I know you're sure, are you playing? Well, I played one game or something this summer.
Speaker 3:I'm not allowed to play.
Speaker 2:I only played one friendly game for them in the summer and I think I've seen in the chat that he done that run. The next day he's out doing. He's doing some running now too.
Speaker 1:He phoned me and he was doing 18 mil and he was on the drinking night before and I didn't know. And he phoned me where are you? And I was like fuck, I'm. I'm in Calf here, man, getting something to do Sunday morning. He's like Sean, my fucking my phone's on 1% here and I'm running down what do you call it? Down to Connistown. He's like I ain't gonna faint my mouth is like fucking Gandhi flip flop what was he running, or was he he was?
Speaker 1:out he done an 18 mile run. I had to run the rip to 5 in the morning oh jeez, I got up at 7 and done an 18 mile run. When I had run a clue, he phoned me have you money here. He was drinking, ready to die. He's like, in case I don't make it to the shop to tap my phone. He's like, emile, stay here. We don't need bowling in the cafe. Smell the drink I'm sweating 18 million.
Speaker 2:I couldn't run 18 million myself.
Speaker 1:I'm fit enough. I couldn't run 18 million with a pair of rollerblades on all down hill.
Speaker 2:He's doing the marthens as well, trying to go to Boston do the Boston Marathon.
Speaker 1:Whether he gets a ticket or not, it's an orhing because it's hard to go into. Boston Marathon is one of the main ones, like Aftermath and Bombing so he gets in there. It's something. What about football? Are you going to go into coaching? Are you going to obviously, like all them mad years of your life? It's good to say you've done it and I'm like you've come out the other side of it and you're still going to continue, obviously, fighting to stay on the other end of it.
Speaker 2:But if you want like going forward, like any ambitions of like giving back to football or something that's going to, well, I was like I always thought I'd get a lot to give to coaching, obviously because of what I was through loss of confidence and all but I always thought I had to give. But that's the thing that held me back again the fear of standing up in front of people you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I've done that thing on Friday, but that was my life's biggest fear, see standing up and public speaking. So up to now I've done my level 1 coaching about 10 years ago and I get different now. Now I'm a wee bit more comfortable with myself and I'm learning more about myself. So even getting them conference, even coming on here, it shows that I'm growing up a bit. You know what I mean. I'm maturing. It made me a bit more comfortable.
Speaker 1:The central nervous system actually recognizes stuff like this you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:It starts to go like that was alright, I'm still playing that I mean, while I'm still playing, I don't think I have the time for it. Obviously, my wee girl, clora, she's living me in all as well now. So, and I have Alex, like I was saying the other day every day a week so.
Speaker 2:I don't, I don't think I have the time. But when I stop playing I keep telling myself better still, I'm going to say it now. I am going to do it because obviously that fear is going to be out. But the fear isn't the same for me anymore. I know now, when fear shows up, I can push through it. I know it's only fear it's not going to kill me.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. It's only normal for everybody to get scared of doing stuff in the US, so I'm definitely going to do it. Maybe if I stop playing this year I'm doing alright still. That's the thing. But why, lisburn Readers, be the Swift Street?
Speaker 1:Swift Street is in the cup that's a tough draw for both teams they're work outside as well, so are you.
Speaker 2:So are you but, you've had loads of money anyway yous have yous have, yous have probably.
Speaker 1:Yous were probably the draw, the hardest draw to get, like I would say, looking across the board, it'll be a good game too, but that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I missed the whole of last year.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then I was thinking that's me done, I'm not even going to try and get back. But my weight went up. To what am I? My weight went up to 76kg when I didn't play all last year Because of the injury. I did try and play but it wasn't, I was goosed. And then the last In April, the last three games of playing and, like I said, my weight was 76 kilo. So then I knew if I was going to play this year I needed to go in and do some wee bit extra and try and get the weight down. Started doing spins twice a week earlier just to give the ankle a break and then back in the pre-season, done the running and felt dead on. I was like still smoking on the younger ones. You know what. I 70,. I was 71.8 when I weighed myself today, oh, powerful, and for me, like I probably I was probably that weight 10 years ago. My weight doesn't really fluctuate, obviously because I didn't eat much.
Speaker 3:I only had two days a week, so it was alright, but I went away myself.
Speaker 2:That's obviously why the ankles give me, not give me as much jib. My lower back goes much, not caring that we've got to wait. But as soon as people, as soon as I think I'm embarrassed myself or people running past me, I'll stop.
Speaker 1:But at the minute it's not like it and even, obviously, see, when you think about it. See, even like Lesbian Rangers, it's a good level. It's still a drop down of what you're still that's it.
Speaker 2:The first couple of yards are in your head anyway. So obviously now I wear me a clear head. Sometimes I can cruise through games and not have to do any running. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Just about being in the right place obviously just experience, you know what I mean, just experience just be in the right place at the right time and just do the simple things, where my game is always hour 50 times a game. But obviously it can't be like that, no more. But the thing is as soon as if people are standing me up and taking me on and going past me all the time. I couldn't handle them.
Speaker 1:I couldn't handle them.
Speaker 2:I would just kick somebody and walk off, but it's not happening at the minute it's not happening. It's seen to be doing alright still. So as long as into the coaching. But see, the thing with recovery Sean is as well. I didn't plan the first time I done that podcast where we were on. I don't know I had this sense of there's a purposeness. You know what I mean. Like a lot of things today for me, if I can help somebody, like doing these or speak up about something, it makes me feel good. I feel good doing things for others. You know what I mean and if I get the chance to do that, I'll do it. And coaching's going to be that thing too, like coaching. I know from what I've experienced lost at conference. I can spot a player straight away when he's low on confidence. You know what.
Speaker 2:I mean, and I'll know how to hand him.
Speaker 1:Because I'm a 3-1-3, you'll know he needs a hand wrap. You can Some pairs needed it.
Speaker 2:Balligan, I was one of them, players that didn't? He fucking shoot at me and I just Couldn't look at the ball.
Speaker 2:Obviously, that's what happened. We were at, we were at Climb all the time. It got too much. There was so much of it, do you know what I mean? And we were in Falls Park training. In our story, we were in White Rock training. Well, the first team got the, had a match in the Falls Park and I obviously went up in the changing room at half time. We played in the Falls Park and went up in the White Rocks changing room and obviously the first team manager, eddie, gave me a night off and I went down there in the changing room. The reserve team manager was down there and he was like what the fuck are you doing here? And I pulled the tap and all of a sudden I right down there the way and we started playing the second half and 15 minutes later Eddie Patterson turned up the CD pitch. Arne Smith, get off the fuck. Two weeks wages.
Speaker 1:Fane straight away McCracken's. Mccracken's had some team like some good players, just full of head just picking people off a street jump the end he's a flat out in the knee. But have you ever just look flat? If you have football boots, jump in there's people there who could play football.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean turf laws there was.
Speaker 1:There was loads of good footballers and obviously, a translator a translator over in the Gillie and. Gerona and Touch even Touch, like people who just knew how to play football, just jumped in the back.
Speaker 2:Just jumped in the back footballers always make even the lad by the ball at their feet. I couldn't run a man. No, and Gillick men absolutely hated that. Because you can't slide that guy, you can't do nothing.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean, and you can't lift the ball or anything.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. So it was harder for him to play, but even the Kraken's I loved playing.
Speaker 1:I loved. Aw, it was good. I used to go down the mats and Big. Muckie and I was in the side lane With Bike. Busters Big Muckie aye and John Finnegan, though we were all standing Drinking Bike Busters In the side lane, fra Foster and all. And then it was Murder, ardine ones and McCracken ones, and he fucked me. I mean really.
Speaker 2:McCracken's. Aye, there was some Players, even Arshamus.
Speaker 3:Arshamus played right up running about versus.
Speaker 2:Archie has had a limp. I remember when he was playing he ran the weight with a limp. Archie never won a play. The team was you know what I mean? Just a team full of straight hooligans.
Speaker 1:Get them on the van. Get them on the van straight, just fly about, not bagging many, but jump in, get them on the van. He's a man of the birdies and turf but what I know, I was going to coaching with boxing. I'll go into Holy Trinity first.
Speaker 2:Obviously that's when he volunteered did you ever find a difference or discomfort in coaching? Obviously you spoke about how sure yourself you are. I've never had that. It's alien to me. So doing all this here, it's all new. It's the only take me probably no-transcript.
Speaker 1:The way social media's going and the way you get your name out there and your story, like, see your life, it's a good, it's a fucking great story and it's so relatable. There's so much to it like we all love a swa. He doesn't. He doesn't love a swa, but that's the problem. You love it too much, you love it too much. That's the problem and I'm well aware of that. But, like it's a good story and, as I say, there's a whole, there's a big word out there. Like now, social media is just like it's people, the amount of people who stop me and go. You're your man, tiktok. Are you your mom?
Speaker 3:on the podcast didn't he know you from?
Speaker 1:boxing boxed 25 years. No one even knows me but that's social media.
Speaker 2:It's open to everybody. That's what I'm saying it's just open to everybody. But again it comes with some pressures as well for people. I'm not one to scroll, I don't do none of that.
Speaker 1:I don't scroll either. I actually don't because people go to me on the podcast. I go like don't look at me, just get him on. I go, fuck that, I go. Obviously you know him, I go, don't, I don't know.
Speaker 3:I feel like that as well.
Speaker 2:I don't score you know what I mean. You've enough going on in your own life, you don't need to. I don't anyway compare and try and get involved in other people's you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:I have enough going. I'll definitely go into coaching and I'll volunteer and reach in there for a while and something with me like professional coaching separate to like like one to one, because when you take on a professional boxer, I wouldn't take on someone if I didn't think they'd be a world champion oh, you mean like I wouldn't just go in and just coach people that won an Irish title or British title. I would like I already know I'm a lethal coach.
Speaker 1:I already know no one. I don't believe anyone has a better box than me, like not necessarily than me, really and like my coach, pete Taylor. He's Katie Taylor's dad. We work very well together, so maybe I'll do some work behind the scenes, but that, that mindset, that'll always carry you.
Speaker 2:Anyway, you know what I mean, that belief you have in yourself.
Speaker 1:I have confidence, I've been in, donald, I've experienced. There's no reason why I can't. You know what I mean, and that just comes from just hours and hours and hours doing the same things different styles, being in world championships, europeans I've seen every style of boxer Kazakhstan but that doesn't, that just just doesn't come.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean? You have to. You have to build resilience somewhere along the way for you to be able to keep going. I don't care what happens here, I'm still going to be the best.
Speaker 1:I'm still going to be good, that's what happens now, like see my mate Jazza Jazza Dickens. He's world champion now right, he's a scouser. He trained with us in Dublin in the second round and then he rebuilt his career, fought for world title again there a couple years ago against kirk gallagher, stopped again, pulled himself up again, won like an ivy world title it's not really recognized and then we went to the vibes in his corner. Now I get knocked out. He was winning easy camp friend got knocked out training again.
Speaker 2:He's like I don't care, I just want to make it, I just want to keep going and he just kept going and kept going.
Speaker 1:Last year, or about four months ago, I won a world title, wi world title and he was like so we were all putting in chat. Gpt's, you can go on. You must be the longest person to not win a world title, so like it took him 14 years as a pro and he kept at it and he kept going, kept going kept going, he was a world champion, that's for sure.
Speaker 2:People. Setbacks usually make people, you know what I mean. Like I say, any sort of traumas in your life, like you get to the point when you're at your lowest.
Speaker 1:I ain't gonna get him on the podcast, but you wanna see his life from me mental you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:There's success stories. People just need people. Sometimes people need to rock bottom to change their life. You know what I mean. If I'd have lived mediocre and like, say, if I hadn't got as bad as I got, I'd have kept convincing myself that I was alright, you know what I mean. But it took me to get to the point where I was completely suicidal, or else I'd have never changed. Like the thing was, I couldn't live another day the way I felt. I didn't want to live another day, so it forced me in and I couldn't even use any more in there. I had. Every time I went somewhere I was pouring it out of my head. I was getting it every single time, and I was barred from every bar in West Belfast as well. I wasn't allowed into no bars in West Belfast.
Speaker 1:I obviously had a couple of death threats sitting in a small park reborn now and then feeling like feeling that way.
Speaker 2:That's when the bravery came for me to reach out and get help. You know what I mean, and it's not easy. That's what I mean people need to be.
Speaker 2:That's the hardest step hardest step once you do that people just guide you and people help you and people guide you. But it takes, that's what I'm saying. People who are hit rock bottom usually turn out success story, and even for me I'm proud of myself. Now for what? For where I've got to, where I've came from, and even just when I first came into recovery, my wee girl for the first six months came over and more or less stayed with me every night and I used to say she was my guardian angel. And now there's a year and a half, nearly two years down the line, she's living with me. Now, do you know what?
Speaker 1:I mean Eddie, before was that before I was?
Speaker 2:the kids were just a burden. They got in the way of me using or doing whatever I wanted to do. My main set was obviously back to front. So things that were important to me was looking forward to this weekend, partying and drinking and that thing about addiction.
Speaker 2:There was times where when I was able to like not to drink during a week and obviously a lot of time I didn't, but my mind, I wasn't happy until I got that next drink and I can't see what I thought about it. And when I had my kids it was agitated, frustrated, angry and oh, I just can't see. And the only thing that made me happy was drink. And only now when I look back going, that fucking bastard thing was the thing that near put me in an early grave. And now I different things in my life, even the small, and I guess it may sound stupid, but if I go in the wee there's a big green field, nothing in it, pure bare. It looks different and I can sit in my own and just breathe. Just just breathe. Sean, I'm not joking and I go to myself fuck me, this is lethal. I mean this is lethal, but in the past it was always. That's a gratitude.
Speaker 1:That's a sense of gratitude to be like in peace. You know what I mean contentment, it's just like and not suffering, and not suffering half as much. The only suffering I do, the only suffering you do now is against your addiction. Yes or no?
Speaker 2:and it's just just no, just convince yourself, it's a no, that voice in your head now becomes Like the desire to use, can't start a real life anymore. Right see, the desire to use. To be honest, sean, when I first went to the meeting it was that bad for me and the desire to use near enough left me right away. But I started to learn that whenever I was feeling sad, unhappy, any of them feelings at all like my first thought, my thinking was I know, it'll take it away, I'll go and use drugs. You know what I mean. And today it's not like that.
Speaker 2:Now I have other coping mechanisms to go, phone people, connection with people, people are in the same boat, to speak to him straight away about it, have a sponsor and all that stuff is that makes difference, even when them thoughts come up. Now I'm obviously wising up to go. They don't need thoughts now you know what I mean, but in the past I didn't. I didn't want any different. I fucking wanted it and I went and got it. You know what I mean and even see, I remember you were. I think we were fighting in the Odyssey. You were at Odyssey and I was 30 days clean on the night that you were fighting, that's right.
Speaker 2:I fucking cried my eyes out at that thing that night, sat in all behind me and for a period of weeks guys came over and sat beside me and was like you're alright? And my whole body was, because I'd been the first in the environment that I'd been out in an environment.
Speaker 2:That wasn't good feeling in that atmosphere as well. And I asked because we on a ticket. I I asked him could he come and go? And he says no, he didn't want to go. And I had to persevere and stare but my whole body was shaking and I didn't see the update on. I had doubts whether I was not acting or not. You know what I mean and that and he proved it to me proved it. I sat and cried, sean, watching your feed, and we all was like what's the matter? What's the matter? And I was like, nah, persevere and just stare. You know what I mean, but listen, they're all All part of learning. You know what I mean, it's all part of learning 100%.
Speaker 1:Well, look, listen, I'm pretty anyway, aren't.
Speaker 2:I Appreciate it, sean. How do you?
Speaker 1:We'll wrap it up here, but I'm glad you came in and shared your story. I'm sure there's probably More people that relate to it and hopefully it does well, because I missed the Hopefully somebody gets something from the show.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. Obviously, your bar and my bar are both clean. Now you know what I mean. It branches out, it helps other people and that'd be me. It'd be somebody else telling their story and it'll help someone.
Speaker 1:But I appreciate being on. Thank you, see you guys coming on Thanks.