50. Turning My Nikes Into Slippers with C.R. Herro | Self-Care, Boundaries, & Community as Pillars of Happiness

This is my most vulnerable episode to date... My ex and I discuss why we live in different states and explore three pillars of happiness: self-care, boundaries, and community. 

I also share insights and stories about how I felt as if I'd fumbled the gift of our relationship and decided to start ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. 

We explore... 

• Self-care, boundaries, and community as pillars for mental health, happiness, and well-being
• Healing past wounds to build healthier relationships
• Attachment styles and how they can influence our behavior and how we form or maintain relationships
• How past experiences can influence our tendency to gravitate towards chaotic or avoidant relationships
• Communication of emotional depth 
• Making conscious choices and actions for personal growth and fulfillment.
• Reparenting and inner child healing 

Chapters

00:00, Introduction and Catching Up

03:39, Life Transitions and Personal Growth

08:18, Exploring Attachment Styles

17:32, The Three Pillars of Happiness: Self-Care, Boundaries, and Community

23:02, Conclusion and Takeaways

28:25, The Fantasy of Wanting Someone to Want You

32:23, Emotional Communication in Relationships

35:35, Making Changes and Pursuing New Paths

38:35, Self-Discovery and Healing through Ketamine Therapy

48:16, Developing a Personal Therapeutic Model

50:36, The Importance of Reparenting

52:29, Addressing Mental Health Education for Young Adults

55:48, Looking Towards the Future

Connect with Kristin:
Website - https://www.kristinbirdwell.com/
Instagram - http://instagram.com/kristinbirdwell_
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@sexdrugssoul

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Transcript

Kristin 0:00

I'm Kristen Birdwell and this is Sex, Drugs, and Soul.

unknown 0:08

Hi.

Kristin 0:09

Hello. Hello. Can you hear me?

SPEAKER_03 0:15

What you want, girl?

Kristin 0:18

I'm watching you right now.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

No. I'm wasting time waiting on you.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Okay. What was that? Was that Ghostbusters?

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Oh, it was uh it's just Facebook, uh, whatever those things are.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

Like that's uh two bears in one podcast. Two bears in one cake. So it's just a run of weird stuff. The song is oh uh you little booth. I'd have to Google that to find out what it is. It's on all the TikToks, girl. It's on all the TikToks.

Kristin 0:54

How are you?

SPEAKER_02 0:55

I'm good. Let me settle in. I was uh waiting on you.

Kristin 0:58

I know, right? I like I liked being a peeping tom for a second. I was like, hello. Could you hear me when I was talking?

SPEAKER_02 1:06

No, because I I had you minimize, so I don't know. Well, welcome to you, peeping tom. Um, nice flannel, by the way.

Kristin 1:16

I know. Well, it's a cool 90 degrees here in Austin, Texas, so I thought I would wear it and open up our podcast with our cute little story.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

Okay, you ready to get going?

Kristin 1:28

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

Okay.

Kristin 1:30

Yeah. I've already cried once, so why not?

SPEAKER_02 1:33

What are you crying about?

Kristin 1:35

Uh I just feel a little raw. Um, low sleep.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

I can relate to that one.

Kristin 1:43

And I don't know where this conversation's gonna go.

SPEAKER_02 1:47

And so well, you feel pretty safe. I love you and I want you to be happy, so it's fine.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

I know I love you too, but it just like gives me emotional. Okay, and I want to speak into it.

Kristin 1:59

I feel a little raw, and maybe not on my like a game or you know, I have searched up and down in like open and closed drawers for to find my fucking microdoses and I can't find them.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

I don't know why I hid them from myself. I moved them from the place that I normally keep them and I can't find them. So it's me, you and caffeine.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

I think raw is the bravest thing you can be. Um I'm learning to appreciate being able to access emotions and name them and sit with them and uh tame them a bit, right?

Kristin 2:33

Yourself? Are you um No, I mean, this is all the clinical work, right?

SPEAKER_02 2:37

But yeah, I mean, there's no way that the clinical work doesn't rub off, right? We'll talk about it.

Kristin 2:41

Well, yeah, because I used I know, but I used to call you the duck because you was, you know. Yeah. Anyway, uh no, so I wore the shirt because I think it's funny that um I hijacked the flannel that I loved of yours whenever we were living together in Arizona. And I said something.

SPEAKER_02 3:01

Are you starting the podcast? Is there a counting or is there anything?

Kristin 3:03

There is no that I'm just it's uh I've been liking where that's just a conversation uh and you just lead in.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

That trails in. All right. Well, cut out the piece of me staring blankly at another screen.

Kristin 3:14

I'm gonna try to do that. Editing video is a little harder than the just the audio, but I'll try. But then me calling you though to get your fucking attention is kind of hilarious. The man who could so all right, yeah, we've been started. Oh for we've been going for four minutes now.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

No, you're gonna cut all that stuff out anyway.

Kristin 3:36

Not all of it.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

4321. Hi, Kristen. It's nice to see you and all your big emotions.

Kristin 3:44

Yeah, they they just keep getting bigger and bigger. That's not a bad thing at all. No, it's not, it's a beautiful thing. Expanding the capacity to feel. I think that's part of why I'm here on earth is to help other people do the same. They get to scare me a lot. Um, so it's when I say I'm emotional and raw, it's just that that's where I'm at. I'm feeling tender.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

I like that some days though.

Kristin 4:07

Yeah, I know it's beautiful. Um but it's you know, it's just a little contrasting or contrary to the image that I had of being fully rested for this conversation with you know, a lover of mine and soulmate.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

And I tried to put this fucking necklace on so many times, it pissed me off. So I was like, it's going on as a fucking bracelet.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

Well, since the last time we did a podcast, there's been a ton that's happened.

Kristin 4:41

Yeah, we were gonna do a post 30 days of living together.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

Yeah, yeah, we were.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Did we make it 30 days?

SPEAKER_02 4:54

Close.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

No, we made it more than 30 days.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

Oh, yeah, no, for sure we did because you didn't go back to Texas for a while.

Kristin 5:02

Yeah, for sure. I went to air, I drove from Florida to Arizona and then back to Texas. So you've been you've said back to the shirt.

SPEAKER_02 5:12

You've been in multiple countries, we've lived in multiple states. You find me currently in Arizona, I find you currently in Austin wearing my favorite flannel.

Kristin 5:25

It's also my favorite flannel. Coincidentally, yeah. I get lots of compliments on it. Um like um anyway, but I remember you asking, I was like, I thought guys liked girls or women wearing their shirts and being in their clothes. And do you remember what you said?

SPEAKER_02 5:45

I remember exactly what I said. I said, it's super sexy if after having sex all night she's up in your shirt making eggs for breakfast, it's not super great when she's packing to leave for Texas.

Kristin 5:59

Yeah. Which I thought it was funny, but also true, by the way. We have and I think we had an interesting process in that.

SPEAKER_02 6:11

Yeah, so I mean, uh, you know, the big catch up is the last time we uh had a conversation on a podcast, we were uh a couple, and you were moving to Florida to put a toe into the great waters of uh um St. Pete. And um I had this beautiful house with owls in the trees and a golf course and uh 80-degree temperature inside, yeah, and air conditioners that barely made it, air conditioners that barely made it, and an OCD-like tendency to want things neat and clean. Yeah, that's you.

Kristin 6:56

Yeah, that is me. Um, and where are we today?

SPEAKER_02 7:02

You live in Austin, you have an exciting life.

Kristin 7:07

You where are you today?

SPEAKER_02 7:08

Yeah, lots have changed for me, right? So um I was the CEO of the largest luxury home building company, and and and it was full ego and and lots of service, right? I I love my team and I love my staff, and it was uh very fulfilling. Um, but I got the opportunity to um transition. And I always knew since I was 20, and I think we talked about this when we first started dating, that you know, my long-term potential was to go help kids um in the transition from being kind of an adolescent to an adult. It's a really difficult transition. And I experienced that transition, and you experienced that transition, and it never goes smooth. And so much of the difficulty is is our weird beliefs when we're 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, right? Like we just like we think we're supposed to have our shit together, we think we're supposed to understand how the world works, we think we're supposed to understand our relationship.

Kristin 8:01

We think we do. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

And and so, you know, I've great empathy for being 17 and miserable, and most of it being your own damn fault because you think you're supposed to have your shit together, or you're you're supposed to know, or like you're supposed to be cool, or you're supposed to have a clear career path. And when you get yeah, when you get past 30, you're like, oh no, we all just had no fucking idea. We all just made it up, and we tortured ourselves, like we literally tortured ourselves throughout like our late teens, early twenties, because there was such a gap between what we thought we were supposed to be and what we were, yeah. And I think that's with social media getting worse.

Kristin 8:42

Um not only are you comparing it to where you think you should be and where you are presently, and the distance in the space between that, but you're also looking at all these examples of majority of people posting like highlight reels or good moments where I feel that there's some pockets of like vulnerability and authenticity online, but it's it's sparse. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:02

So And then you talk to them and they're like, you know, they're putting up pictures of themselves on bikini leaning against a pond tree in in in Venezuela, and you talk to them, and most days they're curled up in their pajamas eating ice cream depressed, but they do a really good photo shoot once every four months and pretend they're having the life, right? And then everybody believes that that's the life we're all supposed to be living when the reality is is it's a struggle no matter how pretty or handsome you are. I mean, so I started uh yet another graduate school, so I'm collecting graduate degrees um in uh counseling, and I'm working on my uh professional counseling uh certificate, and I started work with one of the best mental health facilities in the country, helping adolescents. And so it's been brilliant. It's I'm so grateful for the transition. Um, you know, I spend these long days with adolescents with addiction and trauma, and I try as patiently as I can not to act like a therapist and to listen and to hold space and to help them feel safe and help them be in a space where they can do the hard work because we do this amazing work at this facility. And, you know, they're in for 45 to 90 days working on addiction and trauma. And um, you know, some of the best things you can do is just avoid all the distractions that normally keep us from looking at the hard things that we're working really hard to ignore. So my life has been very much, you know, switching from running companies and being analytical and very scientific, and it's all about engineering and physics and municipalities and permits to your world of feelings and and and uh and coping mechanisms and you know alternative modalities and family structures and and you know, it has been incredibly, you know, things I never thought to think about, um, but also uh incredibly rewarding in a completely different way than running companies. So I'm very, very grateful and I'm having an amazing life right now.

Kristin 11:04

Yeah, I know we're gonna dive into some of those emotionals and alternative modalities for sure, because there's a story or two in there that I want to get peel back the onion layer.

SPEAKER_03 11:13

Thanks for bringing up the sets of shoulders, by the way.

Kristin 11:15

Yeah, we're wearing the same color. That's interesting. Um, but it was getting a little toasty. Yeah. Um so yeah, where so what do I do? Where am I? Where am I today? Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

Where are you today? Since last we talked. You were last we talked with the intuition air conditioning.

Kristin 11:34

You know, and well, and I backed when I was living in Arizona with you and I backed out of the garage, and it's about 4 a.m. or so, and I was driving down the highway, and um I'm like listening to like really awesome 90s country, but then I flip over to this damn book on attachment styles, and so I'm driving down the highway, and I'm listening to this book on attachment theories and stuff, and it's like going into you know, anxious or avoidant or disorganized or secure, and I have a thought, I'm like, is this what I'm doing?

SPEAKER_02 12:14

Literally, as I'm driving today's podcast is brought to you by Nike.

Kristin 12:19

Yeah. Um, so today I'm working on uh turning my Nikes into slippers, um, and really by just taking a magnifying glass and uh looking at patterns and behaviors or narratives that I was creating.

SPEAKER_02 12:39

Um let's peel into that because a lot of people are.

Kristin 12:41

Well, and I'm also I'm not done yet. I'm not done. And and so driving back to Texas, and I love Austin, and I love my community, so I am here.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

Um, and it's also a lot easier here for me to isolate and be on my little island and know where I'm safe, which I would totally love to get into like the little combo we had about I feel safe, I feel connected.

Kristin 13:10

Um and and so like I love love my life that I've created here. Um, I answered an uh the call to go to Egypt and have this powerful experience here. Like the woman that went to Egypt is not the woman who came home in a myriad of different ways. It's like I had to face a lot of fears and get right with myself to some degree before even going on the trip. And there's just been even more so in many layers that and things and I've said yes to since then. And so um Egypt was really fucking powerful, and then I come back and I have all these beautiful aligned clients, clients now across the globe. Like I was on a walk this morning listening to my affirmations and like with the sunrise, and hi Bubba, and yeah, and I um I had a thought, I was like, wow, it's really cool. I have clients on three continents right now, and I'm not an expert at the time zone mastery, but it really just feels like there's an alignment of the people that I'm working with and the integrity and where their hearts at and the stories that they're wanting to put out into the world, or that they are putting out into the world, or that they're hibernating and getting ready to put out into the world. People are in different phases of the writing process. Um, I also like literally today um release part of the clasp of golden handcuffs with BMW. Like I sent them a message um that I no longer unless you know an agreement can be reached where I'm paid at the product expert rate, which is 25% higher than what I'm currently being paid at. I don't feel um, you know, comfortable committing for the rest of 2024 because they said we can you know agree or do the come look at our agreement or contract for in 2025. I was like, well then for the rest of the year I don't want to commit.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

And I was like, I believe that contracts and agreements can be amended because they can because they can't, and like that's some fucking bullshit, and and it's not BMW, it's a uh I don't want to name an agency that I'm working with, but it it's just the well and I I've seen you, you know, I've seen you do the research and prepare for and be a crazy subject matter expert on the new products, and and for them and for them to treat you as a pretty face instead of that. I I totally agree with you.

Kristin 15:35

So it's an exercise in expressing and holding a boundary for myself, and which I totally want to touch on our three pillars today of self-care boundaries and community. Because those are the three things that I have immensely grown, and that's been part of the things um before and post-Egypt and for the rest of my life. So there has been um leaning on people and for support, whether it's like my neighbor giving me a ride to the airport and helping me that way. I have also um, you know, I have a beautiful life that I've crafted, but there were certain pathways like and things that I was thinking when I was pulling into my driveway that was very like um alarm-inducing or like self. Um I just I didn't have my best interest at heart. And so I was like, okay, this, you know, and I and also coupled with the guilt of feeling like that. I self-sabotaged or fumbled, the best gift that had ever been to give it to me.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Bubba? Was it Bubba?

SPEAKER_00 16:43

It's fucking messy.

SPEAKER_02 16:45

Yeah, middle child's always the best. Let's talk about a test. So yeah, so much to talk about.

Kristin 16:52

I began ketamine therapy. That's where I'm getting to that. So, and I'm also and like I'm have beautiful friendships and all these things like that. But that's okay. That's it in a nutshell, sort of nutshell.

SPEAKER_02 17:02

You but well, let's we're gonna dig, we're gonna, we're not gonna nutshell this. We're gonna dig because we got some time.

Kristin 17:07

So let's leave. I have about an hour.

SPEAKER_02 17:09

Come on. So you one, you to me feel much more grounded and much more self-aware and much more in self-care than I've seen you in a long time. So I think you're doing great.

Kristin 17:25

I am. You are I am doing great.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

So you referenced two things that I think are worthy of of circling on. Yeah. So one was uh we had a conversation leading up to this, and we talk all the time. We're still yeah, I still very much love you.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

Writing a book, I very much love you.

SPEAKER_02 17:39

We're co-writing a book, we're still very much in some sort of relationship.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

Um and, you know, in doing this clinical work, I've I'm slowly distilling my own theory of mental health and constructs to help people in addiction and trauma. And and and one of the constructs that I'm I'm solidifying on, and I'll let it out into the world because Chris and I were talking about it, is you know, I'm really solidifying around the three-legged stool of happiness and mental health and dealing with life is really these three pillars of self-care, which is really hard. Like so many people with addictions don't like are so shameful of either their trauma that's happened to them past or that or being an addict or the mistakes they made because they're an addict, or that, or the paths they chose not to take so they didn't feel strong enough, whatever. There's a lot of personal shame, and that leads to a lot of poor self-care and explains a whole lot of shitt relationships you put up with and self-sabotage and all sorts of things. So there's this big pillar about if you can get to the point where you're on the list of people you take care of, you're in a good spot. So self-care is one. Um, the other one is boundaries, and and so much of who we are as people is interpersonal and interconnected and interdependent. Like we are we are so woven as a species, and so we need people, and we should have some the time we were three on, been coached on boundaries and what is a healthy relationship, and what does it look like for mutual care and respect? And what does it look like if you're a bear or a wolf? And I think we talked about that on other podcasts, right? So I don't won't go down that rabbit hole. But you know, the wolves believe that there's always so much, and so they they're not bad people, they're just takers, right? They just like they they think there's not enough, and so they're it makes sense.

Kristin 19:40

I look at a a wolf sometimes as sometimes a lone wolf goes out and finds things and discovers things and brings it back to the pack or the community. But that's not the wolf that we're talking about or referencing right now.

SPEAKER_02 19:52

Different analogy.

Kristin 19:53

Yeah, I know. But I just like to say, because there is an element of the wolf that I like, because I do like my solo expeditions, and I just wanted to say that.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

Yeah, yeah. So there's so many allegories that involve a wolf. Like, let's not get confused. The way I talk about wolves and bears is wolves believe in a zero-sum game, which means that there's a limited resource of love, money, time, everything. Bears believe in creationism and that they can create what they need, and there's plenty of love, there's plenty of time, there's plenty of money. Don't worry about it, give it away. And I'm a this and you're that. And we interact with these. But the the boundaries conversation is just motivations are really important. And most people are immature and scared, and and that makes them very self-focused and a bit narcissistic. And relationships are really tough when you're a scared narcissist. And most of us are. And so we get into these very I want, how do I negotiate to get what I want? How do I pretend I'm gonna give that person what they want so I can really get what I want? Right. I mean, some pretty superficial, unhealthy interactions, and so boundaries get really blurry and really crazy. And so getting to the point where you hold space where you're clear what you deserve in a relationship, and you provide that to other people because you want a healthy relationship is really difficult and requires a lot of awareness and understanding of motivations, your personal motivation and empathy for other people's motivations. But creating healthy boundaries and holding those is the second pillar behind self-care. And the third, and I'm kind of surprised because you and I are very um isolationists and we're very intrigued, is community and how important it is to have people that are um people with the right motivations that love you, that you love, that show up for you, that want the best for you, that you want the best for, that hold so much of the capacity to self-regulate and to care for yourself and hold boundaries, right? That the the ability, because so much of emotional regulation can happen outside your body, right? It can happen through the people that are your in the circles that you love.

Kristin 22:12

Yeah, being witnessed, supported, um, listened to, heard. Uh yeah, I was actually chatting with a girlfriend this morning, and I use the story as like I've, you know, my default is being the island, but through self-care, through boundaries and expression of desires and all those sort of things, I am being selective about who I invite to my island, and then we can throw a party. And some about some people, some people gotta be put in that boat and sail away. Um, and other, I'm like sending smoke signals and GPS coordinates to drop in and parachute in.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

Yeah. Yeah, selectedly selectively, yeah.

Kristin 22:57

No, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

So yeah, so so I I think, you know, I think a lot of those references are important as we, you know, you use this podcast to help other people. I think that is absolutely what happiness looks like and what good tools look like. And there's a ton under each of those pillars, but I think it fits into those categories really neatly. And then you talked about attachment style, and I I think that let's let's not run on that. Like, so for the people who aren't worth it, it's really worth a Google search to understand attachment style. And um, you know, you can just tell how immersed I am in psychology right now, right? So attachment style it very much reflects your ability to feel safe, and you will do whatever feels familiar because it feels safe, even if it's fucked up.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

Yeah, and chaotic, right?

SPEAKER_02 23:41

Because it's it's useful, and you know, so I think we've talked about this, right? You know, I had a bunch of childhood abandonment when I was a kid, and you know, my parents, yeah. And so, you know, and then I looked at generational, my mom was abandoned, and my father's uh father was abandoned, and so there's just this intergenerational stuff where you know, this the fun way to think about it is you abandon and then you date a narcissist. Right? It's it's right, and so there's this this uh there's this thing with relationships that either you get receive sufficient attachment, and so sufficient attachment doesn't feel like what you're used to and doesn't therefore feel safe, and so you either gravitate towards some chaotic because you're used to not having true connection, or you're you you unfortunately you know form, you know, had a relationship with narcissists, and you're used to this giver-taker interaction. Um, so these avoidance, these chaotics, these different attachment styles, um, feel safe and create patterns, and you look for it because you recognize the pattern, and you're like, I know how to do this, I know how to have human interaction because this pattern I'm used to. And so you get into interactions that don't serve that the three legs of the that healthy stool.

Kristin 24:59

Um and I'll speak into mine or a little bit. I want to add drop in. Like, I was chatting, I was on a hike with a friend the other day, and we were talking about he's like, I don't know if it's his theory or something he read, or somebody, some psychologist um has like a large percentage, if you've experienced a lot of trauma in life, there's chances are that you have a dis uh regulated nervous system and or disorganized um attachment style too. Because I was telling my therapist, I think I've told you, um, that you know, there would be moments in the relationship where if I if you didn't answer a phone call, or if if I, you know, something or something else, I would get that fl flurry heart feeling. I would go to like, he's changed his mind, he doesn't want to be in a relationship.

SPEAKER_03 25:41

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kristin 25:42

He doesn't want to be with me anymore. And then like, you know, you'd call back and you would have been on a work call. But or like walking the dogs or something. Um and um then they also the avoidant where it's like I I yearn for that deep intimacy, but on some level or degree, like they're it makes yeah, it doesn't feel safe. And so a girlfriend of mine actually, because I think the real life personalized examples land a lot more too, um, with people, um, or relatable, and there's a lot of medicine in that too. She uh said something about one time about that she was only really able to fall in love when she knew she was leaving. And when she said that, I was like, huh? Or like um I was like, like she meant like on vacation she was able to or whatever. Well, when you and I were together, like I was primarily on tour, always going to the next location, always um, you know, have always moving.

SPEAKER_02 26:39

And so I think that that maybe created like a sense of safety in some ways to be in that partnership until also when everything got still and then settled, I'm like, ah, there's so there's a beauty there too, which is you, and you know, we captured some of this on previous podcasts, you provided access and felt safe enough to have a really credible relationship with me because you could feel safe because you were leaving. So I think I got access to you in a way that I wouldn't have if you were just a pretty girl across the street, right? I think you would put all sorts of fences up.

Kristin 27:15

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:18

I think you would put all sorts of fences up and wouldn't have allowed us to have kind of a really beautiful um early relationship, but you did because you had an you had a rabbit hole to run down, which is I'm gonna be in a different city next week. And you know, maybe there was something beautiful about that. Now maybe not healthy, but pretty beautiful.

Kristin 27:38

Well, there were yeah, I mean, I feel like our relationship in my bones is the healthiest one that I've been in today.

SPEAKER_02 27:46

Yeah, no, we I think we have done a really good job being honest and available and caring for each other. And you know, my version my version of love is to want somebody to be happy regardless if it makes you happy, right? I I think and I've tried to hold that space with you the whole time, right? What I wanted and what you wanted weren't always the same thing, but I always wanted for you what you wanted for you. Hence you leaving with my favorite flannel to go to home.

Kristin 28:13

I think a part of me wanted you to be like, stay, you know, or to be expressed that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:23

So this is an awkward transition, and I'm sorry for it, but it just my mind.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

Okay, great.

SPEAKER_02 28:30

It's a real awkward transition. Hold on a second.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 28:33

Is is there is a common female fantasy about rape.

Kristin 28:38

Or rescuing.

SPEAKER_02 28:41

Different.

Kristin 28:41

So, so so in the rape is is I'm thinking pretty woman, uh, white limo, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roses, bouquet, coming back. I'm working in my life.

SPEAKER_02 28:51

We're going down this path anyway. So that that fantasy is about wanting somebody to want them that much that they lose control. It's not about rape, right? So, you know, so I think there's a lot of people like, oh, that's unhealthy. I wonder what sort of work I gotta do. It's healthy in what you're truly asking for, which is I want someone so attracted to me, so passionate about me, so in love with me that they become a rational, right? That and that's what you're kind of like like that, because I would never do that to you. I would never because I don't believe that that I could possibly love you and be selfish at the same time. I would never ask you to do something that wasn't in your best interest, even if I it breaks me that that I I wish for that, right? I could never and and yet in a way you want me to do that because you want that expression of I don't give a fuck if you're happy. I want to be happy, you be with me.

Kristin 29:44

No, I would want it, I want the communication of the emotional depth that is being felt. Uh and so um, yeah, it's like I think I don't know if it's just me or women or people in general, like we want to know that we're loved or that you know my leaving, you know, mattered. Or um yeah, or if it was just another Tuesday.

SPEAKER_02 30:14

And you had every and if you didn't feel that, then that's totally on my and I am I am very much self-contained, right? Because I I had abandonment issues, and and therefore I I my defensive posture is to be incredibly independent.

Kristin 30:31

Yeah, this is what happens when a stoic meets a fucking emotional mystic.

SPEAKER_02 30:36

Yeah, very much. And and and so uh, so you know, I mean, just as much as your defensive posture is ho, oh, this is stable, I gotta run. I'm a duck. This is what that meant, by the way, for those who didn't. Like, I'm a duck on a pond, which is above the surface, I'm stoic. Like I am smooth water, I am just sitting up, but my little feet underneath the water are kicking like mad. And you know, I try to give you glimpses of those those little feet kicking because we're in a relationship, we deserve to have that. And I probably didn't do a great job, right? I probably didn't have to.

Kristin 31:09

Oh, yeah, I wanted more because I mean, I think I shared this with you, but part of whenever I I was less beating myself up and you know, either looking for I was like, okay, well, did we have that lasting partnership? Because one, I still do hope for us to uh ropes to entangle one of another again, like you said the other day, that was so beautiful and poetic about frayed ropes intertwining. Um I I was like, there was an emotional communication or depth that I longed for to be communicated from you. And then the other day you told me that you're now in touch with your emotions and that you may get emotional on the podcast. And I was like, what? I was because that that was my like okay, I may have ran. Yes, I'll take accept you know, responsibility for that, and I'm and I'm making conscious choices and actions to become or um lean into that deeper sense of wholeness, right? And so that's like two whole people coming together on this journey versus like feeling dysregulated or discombobulated and and try and try that sort of way. Um and so that was like, well, you know, I did really long for that, so and deserved it, by the way.

SPEAKER_02 32:29

And and and I absolutely um and and I'm still working through that. I absolutely would have been um withholding of my of access to my tender little heart if I didn't feel safe, right? And so when we were a little chaotic, I would have put up those walls. And um we were chaotic a bunch, right? Because you spec on those Nikes a lot. And and so, so yeah, so you didn't and and I what I what I think I'm learning is is I can be safe and emotional with myself, even if the world around me isn't perfectly safe.

Kristin 33:09

Yeah, and there's a question that pops up for me. It's like, would my Nikes have wanted to come on as much if there was that emotional communication? I don't know. Yeah, I mean but now you're in touch with your emotions, and I'm shopping at Costco, so isn't that a curveball?

SPEAKER_02 33:27

Together, we're coming together. Costco's the best. It really is. This section of the podcast is brought to you by Costco.

Kristin 33:35

Yeah, can I get some fucking scholarships, man? I'll I'll try to bleep out my F-bombs if needed.

SPEAKER_02 33:46

So, um, so the the big journey, um, because I think you and I are talking a little bit in shortcuts because we know the story. Um, so we were together, we had a very, very amical discussion about what's best for Kristen Birdwell, what's best for CR Hero. And um, what was best for you was on those three pillars was to go back to a community where you felt safe and integrated because you had some work you wanted to do and you had amazing opportunities um in literature uh and and editing. And you had every reason, and it's why you didn't see me fight. Um, you had every reason to go back to Austin and put some roots down and to get some things you needed at the community level, right?

Kristin 34:32

Oh yeah, like I didn't want to start over. I mean, like it wasn't appealing to me to start over, like friend circle-wise, especially being as introverted and and that sort of thing. And I just love the wellness community in Austin and the nature vibes. Um, so there was that aspect of it. There was the aspect of that I didn't, you know, I I fear, and and I think this is somewhere in the attachment book I listened to, but that I fear the loss of my independence. And so I kind of felt like I was acquiescing to your life and your lifestyle and your home, and I didn't have all of my things and my belongings, and um, and so that played a role too, or like it was a decision my or a factor in my decision-making process. And I got I totally or the or the looking for reasons to to match my narrative of not feeling safe.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

I mean I think we both good self-care. Some of it was community, yeah, and some of it was uh uh you run it away.

Kristin 35:33

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:33

But you know, I I don't think it was all one or the other.

SPEAKER_00 35:36

Trifecta.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

And so you did, and you took my you took my flannel with me with you.

Kristin 35:44

I s I bought you one though, and I shipped it. It's a lovely orange color. It is a lovely orange color. I was actually curious if you were gonna wear that one.

SPEAKER_02 35:51

Um, I'm in Arizona and it's 112 degrees.

Kristin 35:53

I know, but I mean there's AC. I don't know if you know of this invention, but but come December.

SPEAKER_02 36:01

Come December, I'll I will probably be flaunting my orange flannel.

Kristin 36:05

Yeah. Okay. And so I so I have taken like steps and those three pillars, right? The self-care, the boundaries, and the community. I'd love for you to share some of the steps or personalize the what you've done with those pillars too.

SPEAKER_02 36:21

Yeah, so um the big one was I was always curious what I walk away from my ego, right? I, you know, and not not to sound like I had an ego, but you know, I had, you know, I was the CEO of a big, big brand and and made a ton of money and drove a nice car and lived in a nice house and was like 10 of them, be real. Yeah, and you know, was kind of held up in the industry as somebody important, and it it it petted my little ego all the time, and it felt really good.

Kristin 36:50

Um and it was sexy for me too.

SPEAKER_02 36:53

And um, I also knew that it was something that um could be shallow, and I don't want that life. Um, I don't want a shallow, materialistic, ego-based life. But I didn't know if I could walk away from it because it was it petted my ego very nicely and it and it provided excellent compensation.

Kristin 37:16

And you like one-click Amazon shopping?

SPEAKER_02 37:18

And I do like Amazon shopping, and so uh so that the opportunity came for me to go be poor and go from very competent to very incompetent, and it all feels like I've gone from you know, kind of the perfect life that people would say you should have to being 25 and and starting over again. And it was interesting to me before I did it. Would I have the balls to do it? Like, would I give all of it up to go do what I believe in, right? Do those ideals hold? And uh those ideals hold. Yeah, and I think it's like I I'm now poor and incompetent, and uh I I'm at the vi very bottom of the mental health totem pole and learning and developing skills that you know I've got a lot to work on before I get there. Um you know, I've got great hope for uh my ability to contribute going forward, but right now I'm poor and dumb. And uh it feels amazing, by the way. It does, it feels amazing um to learn, it feels amazing to contribute in a completely different way. Um I'm super excited about the future because I can kind of come in without, you know, I look at these, and I don't mean this pejoratively, but I I look at these 25-year-olds who are going into mental health that are at my level, because I'm 25 again, and they're working on their own shit and they're trying to be important and they're ego-based, and they talk about themselves instead of the patients, and I don't give a fuck about this at all. Like, I just want patients to be healthy, I just want patients to be happy, I just want them to do the hard work to get the tools, you know, especially when you're 24, like they've got the potential to have an amazing life if they do the hard work now. And I don't need to like prove to myself all the stuff that I've already proved myself, and I don't have to chase dollars, I don't have to chase ego, and I don't have to chase any of it anymore. Yeah, and so I'm super grateful for that. Like I'm super grateful to be able to sit in in service.

Kristin 39:15

I think it's amazing what you're doing, and I think one of the most beautiful things that I loved about our relationship was our visions of co-creating together um and being in service together. I um I wouldn't call you poor, I would call you rich in many ways because you're aligned with your integrity. You have a house that's paid for, like you have a lot of like you know, privileges and things that are going on that are. I'm fine. I know, but I'm just saying, like, I just want to for people that are listening to this, I'm like, I wouldn't call you poor.

SPEAKER_02 39:44

We should still start a funding campaign though. That was got expensive taste.

Kristin 39:50

Me too. Uh I'm chatting with my um oh, I'm gonna be leading Egypt retreats and our adventures. I don't know if I'd call it a retreat exactly. It's an adventure.

SPEAKER_02 40:01

Well, you're gonna put some some of the things. No, oh, nurturing, meditations and circles.

Kristin 40:08

Yeah, which it's a retreat and adventure, and you know, you choose your own cup of tea and like what you want to put into it. If you don't want to go partake on this little expedition one day, it's fine. But I have a call um tomorrow with the person that I'm co-leading it with, and our um other the other person in our tripod that has his travel agency in Egypt. And um, I'm excited about that. And when I first had a chat with him, he was like, This is not gonna be cheap. I was like, Well, lead, I know I have expensive taste, but but I'm doing it at a time of year that may make it a little more uh accessible for more people. You just might have to bring a little dewy cloth. Anyway, um where do we go from there? Where do we go from there?

SPEAKER_02 41:03

Um, so we do we talked about hey, where are we at? And so, you know, I think I massively upheaved my life um in the best way that I'm so grateful for. And I'm starting over. And you are you kind of have you kind of just nut nodded at the fact that you're moving away from brand ambassadorship towards doing a little bit more soul work and doing a lot more authorship and ghostwriting, and you may be opening you may be opening an edit editing company.

Kristin 41:32

Yeah, publishing out. I was sitting, I was, went to a friend of mine's wedding in the Dominican a couple weeks ago. Actually, I guess it was about a month now, and I sat next to this woman on the plane. She told me the story of how her uh one of her favorite co-workers that she worked with at um a rental car company that uh they worked their way up, anyways. He got cancer and died within two weeks, and it was very illuminating for her because she was not um happy or satisfied with her job. She had also climbed like the corporate ladder and all those things, and so she really took a step back to look at her choices and actions and weigh out her the consequences of those and got clear um that she wanted to start a travel company and go all in, and she named her traveling company All In Traveling, um, because she used to play poker and they used to call her all in Alicia and she would, you know, put push the chips in and go all in. And I was like, yeah, I um being the mystic that I am. I'm like, I hear you. I am totally getting the the medicine, the nudge that you are giving to me right now. So I told myself, I'm like, all right, I'm gonna do my farewell tour and I'm gonna be paid to go to some really cool places. And but come October, I'm going all in. And then so even this last little thing that they asked me to hold a weekend for felt a little bit almost like a test. Like, are you sure? Um, and so me sending that message today was like, I'm sure. Like, if it's not at this rate, I'm sure, but I'm still sure that I'm super proud of you for that, by the way. Yeah. And um, I'm either the whole world is opening up and a lot of healing going on with the ketamine therapy. I'd love to hear about some of your self-discoveries in from some of your classes, though.

SPEAKER_02 43:23

Um, I know So in other podcasts, have you talked about your ketamine therapy, or can we do both real quick?

Kristin 43:28

I've I've talked a little bit that I was going to do it. I know, I don't know how that I I'm running on four hours of sleep.

SPEAKER_02 43:36

And apparently you you go to New York when you run on four hours of sleep.

Kristin 43:39

Yeah, maybe that's a past life coming out. I I talked. Um, I mentioned that I was exploring it. Um, I don't think I have expanded on it um or given any details about the what I've felt so far. Um, because I also wanted to integrate the learnings and um things that have come to the surface as well, or maybe get like another one underneath my belt before I share everything because I've only had one session, but I have another one tomorrow. Um you can have the same personal space for you. No, mm-mm. I have discovered that I loved having my mom. Um I I prefer to have someone that go that is there with me and then goes back to their space because that 72-hour window of neuroplasticity is so critical, and you want to be very calm conscious of what you're putting into your um your new soft brain. Yeah. And so there's just some, you know, just a couple things that were said that um I didn't want in my 72-hour window. And I think it would just I'd prefer the self-nurturing time to like reflect and journal and read and um or go box because I went and hit the shit out of a bag on Friday. Nice. And I and I kind of felt like I had to be there also as like a tour guide, not a tour guide, but like stay when I really wanted to like go to yoga or boxing and stuff like that too. Even though I know my mom can, you know, be her own. Um she can occupy herself, but it I just that was a discovery.

unknown 45:23

Good.

Kristin 45:23

Yeah. Um, and this is a beautiful woman that I've met, and she's also she's a trained sitter and um went um did two years academy therapy herself.

SPEAKER_02 45:36

So good. Yeah. Um, if I can serve you in those next seven to hours, don't don't not reach out. I'm happy to be because I I I don't work for the next two days, so okay.

Kristin 45:47

Well, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 45:48

Um, so uh, you know, there's you know, as you can imagine, going through your um LPC, uh it's it's a tremendous licensed professional counselor. Um it's a tremendous amount of information, and I'm kind of between you know working with adolescents professionally and going through the school, like I'm just ingesting a ton of um techniques because what it you know, the first thing it did is it just stretched my brain around how people internalize trauma, right? Because I have my experience and I know how I internalize trauma, and I know how I'm you know, I'm super cognitive. And and you know, so now I meet dozens and dozens of people who internalize trauma in very different ways. The analogy is the best thing that your brain does for you is you burn your hand on the stove and you're scared of it, and then you learn that it's dangerous to protect yourself, and then you kind of learn the rules and you generalize around other hot things and you become more self-protective from that traumatic event of burning your hand on the stove. That's the healthy version. What can happen and often happens, especially if you're not in control. So if your mom burns your hand on the stove, or you internalize it as you weren't in control and somebody burnt you, you start developing pro internal regulations to prevent yourself from being hurt again. But because if you if you internalize it as I wasn't in control then, now you're going to avoid it. Okay, now I might be afraid of women. Or now I might be, or I'm going in order for me to be uh in control, I'm gonna be attracted to being burnt, right? Or I'm you know, my mom was wearing white pumps. I'm now I have a I have an emotional opinion about people in white pumps, right? I mean you develop these coping mechanisms, yeah, and and I'm still working it out, but but so much of it feels like the trigger is were you were you an agent? Like if you're an agent, you learn. If you don't feel you were in control, if you're a victim, you have to develop something to control your environment in a secondary way, and that's been incredibly interesting. Um, because those processes, because it's all the stuff we talk about, make you feel safe. Those secondary compensating mechanisms get embedded in this is what I need to be okay. And some of it's heartbreaking, some of it is I'm gonna control my dietary intake and become anorexic in like the rabbit hole that I've watched these poor, beautiful women starve themselves to death to be in control.

Kristin 48:24

Well, I mean, you do you remember whenever I first went on tour? Whenever um, I think you met me then, I was like, I were or maybe I was stricter keto because it was the one thing that I could control in an ever-changing and environment that was unknown and I didn't know what was coming. I was like, well, at least I can control my my food and what I'm putting in my body.

SPEAKER_02 48:48

And once that gets spinning, it can do incredible damage. So, yeah, so so a big piece is you know me well enough to know that I'm going to look at the body of psychiatry critically. And so I'm taking the things I like, but I'm gonna develop my own therapeutic model, right? It's just who I am, and so um I'm I see things I disagree with and I'm watching to see what merit they have. Um, but I think you know, the field of psychiatry and mental health is um certainly not perfect, and so I'm really looking for what does better look like and how do we transition to better. Um, but then internally, like you run into great stuff that is stuff that in order for you to put into place with your clients, you you do yourself. And so we had talked offline about this thing called a gram. And a geneogram is four generations of your relatives. Here are my parents, here's my siblings, here's my parents' siblings, here's my parents' first wife, second wife, and fourth wife, here's my grandparents, and here's, you know, here's their parents, and here's their country of origin. And kind of you put this generational map in context. Here's who are alcoholics, here's who are drug addictions, here's who were divorced, here's who were codependent, here's who had tough relationships, and you graph all this out. Like, here's child molestation, which is terrible, and you know, but you know, so I've you know it in here's alcoholism, and here's recovered alcoholism, here's drug addiction, and here's death because of drugs addiction, and then you you draw this out and you it changes whenever you write, and you know this because you write, knowing something is interesting, writing it down changes it for you. And so when you sit down and you write down where you come from and what you've experienced and what your child experienced and all the rest of it, and you step back, you'll see patterns you never even thought about, right? So when we talk lightly about, you know, my family's pattern is just abandonment and bear and barian narcissists. No, no, for generations it's abandonment and baronarcissism. And you're like, who leaves their children? Like that's a like every generation parents left their children, like and you're like, oh fuck, a that's not okay. Like you realize, oh, what I experienced when I was six years old is not okay. And then you look at, but they did too, and then they did too, and you understand like they don't have the tools and they don't have the resources and they don't have the concepts around what it looks like to do the hard work to nurture your offspring, right? And so, you know, some of the good news is because I've I've seen so many people's grams, uh, you know, in class and in professional settings, is you do see progress generation, you know, you see died an alcoholic, was an alcoholic, you know, but went through recovery, is not an alcoholic, right? May have the tendencies to addictive personalities, but you know, didn't want to be what they saw in the generations before them. And you know, I I can say this because it's it's anonymous, but um, I saw somebody whose grandfather molested his children and his grandchildren, and then that person molested children, and then that person did the work and stopped. But like the fucking therapy and the trauma and hurt people hurt people. Um doing that work to see yourself so you can make a different choice is so fucking important. Like 90% of the world should be in therapy.

Kristin 52:26

Like every teacher should coupled with somatic practices and exercises to release the stored trauma in the body, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 52:35

And every teacher should go through a counseling program. Like, you should not get to 18 and not have the tools to feel your emotions, name your emotions, and understand and and and manage them. You should not get to 18 without the ability to um have crisis and self-soothe. You should not get to 18 without the ability to regulate yourself, right? We do once again, so I'm so focused on adolescence, is we launch people that are adults into the world with nothing but mismet expectations and being raised by narcissists and people who had their own trauma and and expect them to do okay in college and and are relatively surprised when they're promiscuous and they hurt themselves, they jump into drugs, they jump into parting, they fail out of school, and then now they feel they're bad and they're guilty and they're shameful and they're broken. No, no, you just didn't get a couple key lessons that you should have gotten. Um, you can teach you can tell how passionate we're getting about all this stuff, right? There's there is um such simple fixes um to avoid the incredible harm hurt people do that hurts people.

Kristin 53:58

And then, so did you whenever I'm curious, I'd love to go more deeper into like your personal experience of it, like looking at it and looking at the mirror and reflection and um like the interior life a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 54:13

You want to talk about my little feet kicking over the book?

Kristin 54:17

I'm trying to see if you're open and available for it. I understand for sure I am, for sure. Um and I also have another question for you if you've read the book Getting the Love You Want Yet by Dr. Harville Hendricks.

SPEAKER_02 54:31

I have not, but I will get it.

Kristin 54:32

That's top three most transformative books I've ever read in my life. And it's okay. You'll I think you'll it'll probably be assigned reading at some point.

SPEAKER_02 54:39

Well, send me the title again because I'll me and Amazon are still tight.

Kristin 54:43

It basically says that we subconsciously choose partners um based on the positive and negative attributes of our primary caregivers.

SPEAKER_02 54:52

So we've been saying daughters marry their their fathers for years. And there's there's very big elementary there, right?

Kristin 55:01

Yeah, yeah. Um, I and some marry their mothers. Yeah and mothers.

SPEAKER_02 55:09

So I I can I can be super accessible if you wish. Um I I always think that it's boring, but I'm super happy.

Kristin 55:16

No, it's not. You can be like me in my ketamine therapy uh session. I'll I there was my inner critic and ego was was being dragged by my higher self onto a new neural pathway. Um my ego, my inner critic and like harsh self-judgment. And she's like, we're gonna go over here. But inner critic did not want a bunch. And my therapist actually said I was giggling a lot, and like that image that I had uh on ketamine, it was humorous to me. Um but and wonderful. Yeah, beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 55:51

But yes, of course I want the yeah, so the good news is like I'm a seeker, right? You know, like me being um a stoic is because I'm a seeker, right? I I absolutely want to understand the things I that are under my control, except the things that are not under my control. You know, I'm a biologist, chemist, engineer, philosopher, psychologist, right? So it's me being very curious about the world.

SPEAKER_00 56:15

And that's always very sexy. Okay, keep going. I don't think I'm talking to you.

SPEAKER_02 56:22

Um, and I've turned that mirror inward my whole life, right? I've I am I am pretty self-aware. I'm pretty self-aware, analytically cognitive of my circumstances, and that I had a tough childhood, and that I wouldn't do that to my own child. And like, so I so that has always been there. The piece that has touched me the most, um, uh, we call reparenting. And so a big part of the mental health facility I'm at is we do a week of reparenting, and it just it is the worst week of anybody's life, it tears you apart and then puts you back together again in the best way. But it is a very, very tough week. What's and so that reparenting is looking at your childhood, arm's length, seeing what you were, what you needed, what you wanted, and how those needs and wants were met. And it just, you know, I've never allowed myself pity, I've never allowed myself any of that. But when I look at what I was as a five-year-old, as an eight-year-old, and real significant abandonment and real significant lack of care um and attunement. And um, you know, there's some really rough stories that I'm aware of, I don't even remember experiencing. But when I was little, um, I they I'm pretty fucking smart. They thought I was special needs because I had so little human contact that I didn't learn to talk. Right? That tells you how unattached my parents were to me. Like I was just left in the crib and fed. And so I never learned to talk and work. I just could speak full sentences because I could hear it. I just didn't interact with anybody. So I've never, you know, I've never gone back and looked at that kid and said, This sucks for you. You don't deserve it. Um, I would do better for you.

Kristin 58:16

Like I've got you now.

SPEAKER_02 58:17

I got you now.

unknown 58:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 58:18

And so that's hurt that really hurts. Um, and it's nothing I've done for my. Yeah, I've never allowed myself that self-pity. So it's not self-pity, but it's a recognition.

Kristin 58:30

I think it's self-care.

SPEAKER_02 58:31

Well, it's a recognition of, you know, uh I had a tough childhood, um, but also recognition with I totally take care of myself now. Like I'm I'm a great caretaker of me, as you know. Right? And so I'm pretty great.

Kristin 58:49

I mean, you take care of yourself at the same time. Um, didn't someone give you a book like with penguins or something to remind you to take care of yourself or be on the list of being, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 58:58

No, I mean, I think some of it is I work really, really hard, and that's just because I I see a clock, right? I mean, we get a hundred years and I want a thousand, and so I'm cramming as much into my hundred years as I can. Um, so yes, I I I certainly from the outside work myself really hard, but from the inside, like that's totally good, right? That's that's um that's absolutely me um sucking the marrow out of life.

Kristin 59:28

So, so no, I I but but it is And also maybe you feel comfortable and safe when you're going and going and going and going and going. And so if you're still and you have to sit with yourself and you have to sit with your emotions, and that little boy speaking up and being like, Hey, I need a little extra TLC today. Um or maybe the little boy is acting out in the form of self sabotage then or you know, or like neglect or whatever, then that sort of thing. You can ignore it a little easier. You can go and go and go on. Um, yes. I speak from experience, by the way.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:04

And I will always look for that, but my experience in the last decade would be I will still grab a cute girl from Austin and curl up and take a weekend and lay in bed all weekend.

Kristin 1:00:15

I'm still waiting on that weekend. Um and you know, it's like the inner child thing, like that's a moment in ketamine therapy that resonates with me because there was I uh my inner child was kind of curled up in a ball like this. And she had the cutest little home haircut. Thanks, Mom. Um but I I it was like an opportunity to say it's like it's safe to come out now. Like I've got you, I'm here. Um and so I ate some cereal later that day too. We we ate some cereal, good go. Yeah. But um, I think that that inner like nurturing your inner child is important and a beautiful part of self-care. Agreed, agreed, and then I you know now, and then now I'm hearing about this damn inner teenager.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:04

Listen, your inner teenager has plenty of fun. Yeah, you get her out of the field and back to school.

Kristin 1:01:11

I've actually been weighing that out too. Um, or toying with that idea, there's a deadline in October, but because of course there's pepperdyne.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:25

Pepperdine is a good school.

Kristin 1:01:27

We'll see. I've actually I was actually chatting with my neighbor yesterday, and he got um, we may start volunteering at this place that does equine therapy in Austin and they help out with disabled children and special needs and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:42

We do a ton of e-coine therapy, and it is magical how much horses can attune to your emotions.

Kristin 1:01:49

Yeah, and apparently you use every muscle of your body to ride a horse or something.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:53

No, most of equine therapy you're not riding. Like here, here for anybody who has who's interested, like you'll take your that you'll halt to the horse, you'll take him into the you'll walk with them, you'll take them, and you'll tell them your secrets. And then you take a walk. And that and you and that just the the way the horse follows or doesn't or leads or interact, like it is so connecting and and there's so much um energy work there um that horses are capable of, but it's very rare you ride them. Like it's much more about they're on a halter and and the two of you are gonna take a little walk and have a tough conversation, and it's really beautiful.

Kristin 1:02:37

I'm I'm looking into it. Um, they have internships and some kind of certification thing too that you can do.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:46

Equin therapy, oh yeah.

Kristin 1:02:48

Yeah. Um, is there I know we're a little over an hour now, and I wanted to kind of keep it to we're gonna nip that first whole three minutes off. So no, but I was like, what where did we want to go that we haven't gone yet? I'm looking at my notes.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:03

We haven't talked anything about the future, but I think we should do that.

Kristin 1:03:06

Community and community in the future. Let's no, we can totally talk about the future. That's probably why I only got four fucking hours of sleep last night. Because I knew I was chatting with you today. And um, so I lived crystal in um Egypt in a birthing chamber. It was very symbolic because it was the one you gave me when we first met of leaving people, places, and things better than we find them. And I'm okay. I now I know and I am firm in the truth and trust in myself and like the faith in myself and in spirit that like I can handle whatever situation, scenario, whether we're together one day or not.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:53

But there is a piece of me that does hope that we're together in the future. I don't know what that looks like or when, but I do have that. I'd be lying if I I don't have don't express it.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:05

I I think that's beautiful. And and if it served you at some point, I'm very receptive to that.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:11

Right? If it's in your best interest.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:14

Are you receptive to that?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:15

I'm very receptive to that.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:16

Are you are you desiring of that?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:21

I've I've I've got a gate, which is I've you know, it's gotta be good for you before I would allow my little my little chest to open up. But um, if it's good for you, I'm very receptive to that. Why don't why don't we do this one? Why don't um do you we'll let's talk offline about jelly roll?

Kristin 1:04:40

Oh my god, yes. I got tickets and a bottle with my Hilton Points, diamond status. What what? Thank you very much for going with it.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:47

Let's talk offline about jelly roll and maybe we'll do uh uh community and futures in person in Austin.

Kristin 1:04:54

Yeah. A community and futures in oh together on the podcast. Oh, I'd love that. Um, yeah, that'd be beautiful to talk about community in person with you.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:06

You've got my scare buck.

Kristin 1:05:08

I've got your oh you do, and it's a beautiful one. I've got well, I've got your beetle in multiple forms and oils. I have all the things.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:20

So it was lovely to talk with you. Um, we talk all the time, just for context, but it was nice to have a conversation that we're putting something out there for everybody else as well.

Kristin 1:05:29

It feels beneficial too. It feels beneficial for the world and how we want to contribute and show up for it um to make positive influence and save the kiddos, both ourselves and the ones that are growing up right now. In the world of social media.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:48

Oh we could do four podcasts on that. I know it's just if I was gonna design something to destroy 15-year-olds, I would fucking design TikTok.

Kristin 1:06:00

Yeah, it's that's what you know that they specifically tell me not to get on social media for those 72 hours.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:07

You know, and it's not the people who designed its fault. Sorry, soapbox. It there's a wonderful um documentary about this. Yeah, if they designed an algorithm to give you whatever holds your eyeballs, and we're just so poorly evolved at this point in our evolution that the things that hold our eyeballs are such narcissistic, damaging uh whatever bleeds, leads, right? Holds our eyes.

Kristin 1:06:45

And like, or the part that I liked about it is because it feeds like that desire for knowledge too. And so what it's like a twofer, it's like you also you're you're kind of you're disconnecting in a way, um, or maybe potentially avoiding like feelings or you know, whatever. Um, but for me, whenever I'm on there and I'm scrolling and it's like something that I'm learning, it's about psychology, it's about spiritual things.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:08

Well, I go down amazing rabbit holes. Yeah, it is so it's like with this, it has amazing potential. So so the the the most apt analogy I can have is one of the best political configurations ever conceived of was um communism to the person with the greatest need, right? Um from the person with the most capacity to give. Like it's it is beautiful and like like if you read it like uh you know, scripture, it's an amazing thought and absolutely prone to such amazing corruption and and divisiveness and hierarchies that it is in practice an untenable political structure. Not because it's not beautiful, it's just because we have not evolved to feel safe enough to not hoard, to not need to, you know, differentiate myself through displays of wealth, to gather power just in case I need it someday, right? It we're just that we're just that people right now. And and TikTok with some guardrails, like the whole entire internet is a source of amazing knowledge and inspiration. They just they they're they're pursuing eyeballs for market share for advertising space instead of the exploration and inspiration of man.

Kristin 1:08:38

Yeah, and expensive.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:39

And you know, I I don't know how to fix that because things that pursue eyeballs will win over the exploration and inspiration of man.

Kristin 1:08:47

Well, maybe we just get on there and allow ourselves to be seen by the eyeballs, and maybe I can make a contribution and in some form of fashion. And by the way, this is probably you're probably watching this with your eyeballs on YouTube. So like, subscribe, share.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:08

Fair enough. So I will see you soon.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:10

I'm gonna go to my channel.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:12

I will come to Austin when you're uh a famous YouTuber, and we will we will follow up with the stuff.

Kristin 1:09:18

I don't know about famous, I don't care about that, but it'll reach who it needs to reach. Yeah, you know, but well, that there is a desire to be known coupled with the fear of being seen, but I've released that. I really just want to serve and lift up and uh raise consciousness so that you know we stay around for a while and have a peaceful, more peaceful, loving earth and a good time while we're here. Party on our island, babes.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:42

We absolutely could if we choose to.

Kristin 1:09:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:46

I love you. It was good to see you.

Kristin 1:09:47

I love you, it's good to see you.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:49

I'll talk to you soon.

Kristin 1:09:50

Talk to you soon.