47. Booze, Relationships, & Integrity with Ella Parlor

Ella Parlor is a marketing powerhouse whose campaigns have yielded over a billion dollars in sales globally. She is a Founding Partner of EP Consulting, podcaster, speaker, real estate investor, and the author of the best-selling book “High Tolerance.” Ella’s SEFPh[pronounced seff] Philosophy encourages and empowers leaders to find success across multiple dimensions in life: Spiritual, Emotional, Financial, and Physical. She dives into the nuances of building success in her podcast, ‘Eavesdrop with Ella.’ 

Takeaways: 

• Questioning our relationship with alcohol and being mindful of our drinking habits is important.
• Having open conversations about alcohol can lead to a better understanding and healthier habits.
• Books live on and spread a message even after the author is gone. Writing about personal experiences can be challenging, especially when it involves family members who may have different perspectives.
• Being open and authentic about one's faith can lead to backlash and judgment, but it is important to stay true to oneself.
• Understanding and accepting different beliefs is crucial for fostering empathy and compassion.
• Integrity and self-awareness are essential in navigating life and establishing personal boundaries.
• Trusting one's gut and recognizing physical well-being are crucial for making sound decisions.
• Humility is important in acknowledging our limited knowledge and understanding.
• Monogamy and polyamory are personal choices, and it's important to find what works best for you.
• Attachment styles can change depending on the person and the dynamics of the relationship.
• Being authentic and honest about our experiences can help others feel less alone and navigate their journeys.
• Our sex lives have a significant impact on society, and it's important to consider the consequences of our actions and make choices that prioritize kindness and empathy.

Chapters:

03:08, Questioning Our Relationship with Alcohol

05:56, The Power of Open Conversations

12:57, The Challenges of Writing, Editing, and Publishing

34:51, Creating Effective Change in the W

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Transcript

Kristin 0:00

I'm Kristen Birdwell and this is Sex, Drugs, and Soul. Man, if only we had been recording some of what we were already chatting about, some uh about our mattress on the floor and black toilet and other red flags when we come to husband pre-qualifying rounds. So my guest today, Ella Parler, is a marketing leader who has driven billions, billions with a B in revenue for companies and brands and now helps people build the lives of their wildest dreams. She is also the hilarious and honest best-selling author of High Tolerance. Welcome, Miss Newly Engaged Ella Parler.

SPEAKER_02 0:43

Hi, how are you? I have been so looking forward to doing this for months. So I'm so, so excited to see your beautiful face, your beautiful smile, hear your wonderful voice. It's like honey to my ears.

Kristin 0:55

Thank you for your patience. Uh, through my ups and downs of burnout and just recollecting my thoughts and ponderings of how what direction I want to shift this next season. So I'm just happy that you're patient and grateful and waited until I was ready for round two.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

Oh no, I'm I'm really, really excited to chat with you. And I I'm I love your podcast. I love everything that you're doing. I love everything that you do. Like I just I do. I love how you are, how you show up in the world. So I'm really excited to see where this conversation takes us.

Kristin 1:27

Me too. And I already loved um a couple of notes that you had mentioned when we were chatting before we pressed record, and so I may circle back to a couple of those.

SPEAKER_04 1:36

Okay.

Kristin 1:37

Um, but I would love to just share and dive in about your idea for your book or like where the idea came from before your book, high tolerance.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

I mean, I think, and we see this a lot with a lot of you know, businesses that start or great ideas that come, it really comes from a place of seeing someone else not do it so great, and you're kind of frustrated. You're like, I think I could do this better. I, when I relocated, I moved from Southern California to Texas, literally to find a husband. But what I should have congress anyone can do it. If I could find someone, anyone can. Texas, the land of men. There's hope. But um when I moved here, I didn't have a job, didn't have friends, family, right? All that, starting a whole new life, really from we'll say scratch. And so what I did when I first moved here was I had was having a date every single meal. So breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I was having a date. And then sometimes like an after dinner date, like a late night, like happy hour dinner. Because I had nothing really else going on. Like I was applying for jobs, yeah, but I wanted to get to see my city and know my city. And while I love Dallas and it's known for its brunch, the drinking here is unlike anything I've experienced anywhere else in the world. You have New Orleans where there's this high period of drinking, you know, specific to Bourbon Street and specific to Mardi Gras, yes. But the New Orleans culture in general, like they're not drinking all the like that's very specific to a tourist area. But like in Dallas, my Bible study serves wine. Like that's very strange to me. I personally don't participate. I don't judge that people do it, but it's kind of everywhere. And so I found myself drinking like five nights a week, six nights a week, seven nights a week, going, wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm from California. Like we go on a first date, you're taking like a hike, you're doing something active, you know, no alcohol. A lot of first dates have no alcohol. And I just felt like so much of what is socializing in Dallas is based upon alcohol. That's all well and good. I'm a marketing, you know, I'm a marketing executive in the alcohol industry. It's really interesting to me. But I don't want to drink that much. I don't like it. And yet I found myself like kind of getting sucked into this culture of drinking. So I started immersing myself into various literature, popular books about drinking. Um, my one of my favorite books of all time, a beautiful love story, as it's called. It's called Drinking, a Love Story by Caroline Knapp, is this beautiful story about her very tumultuous relationship with wine. And then I read Holly Whitaker's, you know, Quit Like a Woman. And I started reading other literature about alcohol and drinking, but where it didn't connect with me was that these authors all um identified as alcoholics. So they're the narrative typically is you're a drunk, you're an alcoholic, you need to get sober immediately. And then the undertone of that is everybody in the alcohol industry is evil and wants you to suffer and die and take your money. And they're evil, don't give them your money. Well, those messages don't resonate with me. I know I'm not an alcoholic. I just want to be more mindful about my drinking and be mindful about why I'm having that third, fourth, fifth cocktail, why I'm drinking four or five, six, seven nights a week, why it becomes a social social lubricant. Um, and as someone in the industry who really prides herself on being a healer and being loving and kind and warm, I absolutely do not identify with this idea that we're a bunch of evil people that want the world to get drunk and suffer and get behind the wheel of a vehicle and plow into a family of five. Like, we don't want that. We we really don't want that. I know it. Um, and so I wanted to offer just a different perspective on this social lubricant that permeates American culture, American history, American pop culture in a way that I'm not sure everybody understands. And so I just wanted to offer a different perspective because there was nothing on the market like that. So, what my book offers is look, I have made a great living promoting alcohol for several years. Let me tell you the things that I'm seeing. Let me show you the trajectory of the things I'm seeing. Let me show you the changes in laws that I'm witnessing. And then, furthermore, I invite you with me to just do an inventory on why are we drinking? When are we drinking? And is it maybe an opportunity for us to take a step back and go, is this too much? I'm not here to call anyone an alcoholic. I am not a sober coach. That is not my, I'm not a psychologist, that is not my background. But I can say that like we in this country are drinking more than ever. We as women post-2020, for the first time in civilization and history, we as women are dying to our alcoholic tendencies in the at the age of in our 40s and 50s for the first time ever. Why? We're succumbing to our drinking because we're trying to keep up with our husbands and our boyfriends and our fiancés and their drinking. And as a whole, we are all drinking more. I see the numbers, I see the sales.

SPEAKER_04 7:05

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

And I'm like, okay, is there an opportunity for a course correction or at least opening a dialogue that gives a different perspective? Um, and so this book was supposed to be like a breakup letter, like, dear alcohol, you have broken my heart in the following ways. But what it ended up turning into now that it's been out for about seven months now, is that there is a rallying cry, there's a desire from I think all of us to have new conversations. Maybe we don't point the finger and call someone a name, but maybe we just kind of go, why am I too afraid to to talk to Sally about the fact that she had one too many cocktails after dinner? And why might she be having, you know, just kind of thinking a little bit more with intention, um, drinking with intention, abstaining with intention, not with the idea of, oh, let me stop drinking for 30 days so I can lose weight, and then on day 31, I pound, you know, go to pound town again. Um, and so I think that's where I wanted to write the book, and I think that's where it's resonated. Um I never expected that three people would reach out to me and say that because of reading my book, they put themselves into rehab. I did not expect that. Like I that's not what I I kind of expected that um, you know, people in the industry would say, okay, screw you. Like you've been in this industry 16 years and now you're just gonna say, sound the alarm. Come on. But I think again, even in the industry, my book has resonated because we all want to have real conversations about what's happening to our families, our friends. And it's just a fact. I don't care who you are, you have a relationship with alcohol. Even if you're abstaining from it, you know an alcoholic, you love an alcoholic, that is a relationship, you have a relationship with someone who is addicted and dependent to this substance. And so I want to just offer more, I guess, perspective on that, if that makes sense.

Kristin 9:10

Yeah, I love it. And I it's I've definitely been a part of like a journey that I've gone on and that resonated with me too, is like shifting the intentionality or just looking at the relationship with a bit more curiosity. Like last year, I was like, you know, I'm I went like I'm like, I never thought that I would be like a teetotaler or like completely, you know, say no to alcohol again, because there are occasions where I'm like, oh, that red glass of wine is speaking to me, or a nice little sip of a tequila. But look, just taking a step back and being, um, I'm not just gonna drink to drink. Um, I'd like what is my intention behind it, uh, or for sharing this drink or having this shared social experience with someone. And it was very interesting to me, like the people that were accepting of that shift, or the people that maybe um shifted it and looked at it as a judgment into their relationship with drinking. I'm like, I don't care if you're not drinking or if you're drinking, but I this is just a choice that I'm making for myself right now. So why are you still pouring me that glass of wine? And so um that was an interesting scenario that I ran into once. Um, and so I was curious, so um, and I don't recall all the details, but did your relationship shift during the process of writing it before or all of the above before during after?

SPEAKER_02 10:30

Or yeah, I mean, I will say, and I talk about this in my book, I don't outside of maybe drinking a little bit in my after turning 21 and going out to nightclubs for the first time, but I've always been someone who doesn't like to be drunk. Um, I like to be in control. And so, you know, working in the industry, you gotta be able to say no, because you're around it all the time. So you have to know your limits, you have to be aware, you have to keep your faculties about you. Like it's a different type of pressure. And then, furthermore, like outside of moving to Dallas, which was the first time in my adult life where I could go to a bar and nobody knew who I was, when you're in the industry, like I would go on dates in Southern California, and then I'm getting a text message from the general manager saying, Hey, are you on a date right now? You know, like so there's always this idea of like eyes are kind of watching you because you're in the industry and you know that like anywhere you're drinking in a public space, like somebody you know might see you because you're work at these bars and restaurants and grocery stores and liquor stores and so forth. So there always was a big sense of responsibility in my drinking. I have never ever um pressured anybody into drinking alcohol who didn't. And in fact, even in high school and in college, I felt this vigilant desire to protect someone so they didn't have to succumb to peer pressure. I never felt pressured to drink, and I had no tolerance for anybody pressuring other people that I would like give a fake water shot and say, like, take this girl, I made you a vodka shot, you know, like and I was doing stuff like that. I mean, and and I would fake drink in college all the time because I was D D and I didn't want to explain why I wasn't drinking, so I would just like fake drink and then hop in my car and be completely sober. And you know, I I never cared about what people thought, it was more just like mitigating the awkwardness. Um, so I think I've had a pretty healthy relationship with alcohol overall. Where my relationship is toxic and confusing is that I work in this space. Yeah, right. So it's like this entanglement of the work-life balance doesn't exist when you're in the alcohol industry because it they so bleed into each other that it's kind of hard to know when you're working or when you're having fun, because when you're having fun, you're thinking about work, and when you're working, you're thinking about ways that you could make it fun for other people, your consumers, your customers, and so forth. Um, so my relationship is more changed in like from a financial standpoint that I'm working now, you know, this what was supposed to be this like breakup letter, you know, turned into kind of a love letter and a rallying cry where smaller owners who work in the space like want more advocacy and understanding from a marketing standpoint. Um, they they want to be a part of the positive change that maybe the bigger conglomerates, you know, are just don't have the ability to do at that scale. And so um working with smaller business owners has been really inspiring and wonderful. And again, back to my desire to heal. Like, I don't believe that you heal through alcohol. Um the same way that ketamine can't heal you, right? Like there has to be an intention in how we're using something. Like it can't just be like this prescription. It's like, no, let me think about what I'm doing, let me be intentional with what I'm, you know, how I'm showing up in the world, how I'm consuming things and putting them in my body, altering my mind, opening up my mind. Um, and so being able to have more open conversations about that in the space is really interesting. So it's less about my consumption and more about like the just cognition, the intention of the conversations around it. Um, and being a little bit more real because in the industry, we don't talk about alcoholism, we don't talk about DUIs, we don't, we just don't, we don't want to, it's like we don't want to know about it, we don't want to talk about it. We just kind of act like put our blinders on and act like it doesn't happen because it's too uncomfortable. Um, and so being able to instigate those conversations, and you know, a lot of us in the industry are suffering. It might be burnout, it may not be alcoholism per se, but it could be burnout, it could be um societal pressures about other things, work-life balance, all that kind of stuff. And so just being able to have more open conversations about what does health look like in this space and is it possible? And can we change the conversations? Um, I think bartenders need a lot of empowerment. Um, they don't even have medical health care, you know, as a whole. And um, you know, there there isn't a lot of job growth within bartending, unfortunately. I think the industry really leaves them kind of to pasture, like to the side. There's not like a growth of like, okay, well, let's get you into bar management and then from bot becoming a buyer, we can get you into trade development. Like, there isn't a really a success path for people who are in bartending, even though they're the number one gatekeepers in the space. So kind of opening up to those conversations um has kind of changed my relationship with the industry. Um, as far as my drinking, like I've been doing um 60-day cleanses, like two 30-day cleanses every year for a few years now. Um, it's always important to me that when life is stressful, when I'm going through something particularly traumatic, I abstain from alcohol. Like that's the first thing I cut because I don't want to escape, I don't want to numb, I don't want to become dependent. Um, and I just want to feel it to truly start the healing process. And so for me, I'm like, if I'm going through a breakup, um, alcohol gets cut. Like it's like let's and it used to be the opposite. It used to be I'm going through a breakup, I deserve this. Let me take a shot. So just having like more shifts, but that's less about the book and more about um overall just having more open conversations about our relationships with alcohol. So we can again make sure that we're just being intentional with what our use may or may not be.

Kristin 17:02

Yeah, and I think intentionality is so important in anything, whether it's alcohol or the way you're approaching relationships or life or business. Um, and I what a great icebreaker is to have a book. Um, I'm curious how long or what your writing process looked like for the book, too. Um so you like had the idea, like how long did it take you to write? Or did you have any, you know, spurt? Did you work best in spurts? Like, give me a little sneak peek or behind the scenes into what it looked like to birth this book, baby.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

Oh, if I had to be technical, it started in 1997. My parents Oh wow. Yeah, my parents went through a really messy divorce. And I was a little child. I always say, like, God gave me gray hair to show the world that I'm smarter than everybody else, that I'm more wise. But I started going gray when I was seven. And that's why I color my hair light now. Um, to kind of mask the grays a bit, because if my hair is dark, you'll really see them. And and I'm not leaning into the gray as much as I thought I would, since I knew they were coming. Um, my dad went gray at 30, so I knew it was coming, but I'm struggling with it more than I thought I would by now. Um I don't know. I just I'm not the aging is is bothering me more than I would have given myself credit for. But um, I had these big thoughts and big ideas and big feelings and big questions. And um, my parents encouraged me to start journaling. So journaling and writing down my thoughts has really been second nature for me for a very long time. And then when I was going into college, my aunt, who had just graduated um uh from getting her law degree, I think it was her undergrad law degree, or maybe it was her law, I forget law school or undergrad, but either way, graduating when my freshman year of college, she gave me the phenomenal advice of um taking note of any projects that you do. So if you have a professor that gives you a high five or an accolade or says you did a great job on a paper or says you did a great job on a project, forward that email into a little folder. I call it feedback, my feedback folder. And I started collecting different stories, ideas, things that just happened in my life that I thought might be worth noteworthy into this folder. I didn't know what I would ever use it for, except maybe like a brag box. Um, but I would say to anybody, like writer or not, I think having a brag box for yourself, perhaps your kids, of like just cool things you've done, it's really nice to go back into that and quickly scroll. And so that really set the foundation for me to be able to retrieve a lot of these old memories of things that have happened because I have archives of my highs and lows. Um, things that I'm really proud of that I've done in my career, things that maybe I didn't handle as well as I could have, things that didn't feel too good. So, like sometimes you don't want to go to HR and complain about a boss, but you still want to just document it in case it comes up again, or in case you want validation that this is a pattern. And so, like just documenting those off weird things. Um, so the bad boss I talk about in my book, like I had emails about those circumstances. So then, like in reading them and reading those notes, I'm like, oh my gosh, oh yeah, this is how I felt. This, and so it started coming back to me. Um, and I'm such a believer in if you need to tell a story, just tell it in the order that it happened. Um, don't worry so much about becoming Quentin Tarantino and trying to chop it in a momental style. Yeah. Just go from A to Z. And then from there, through the help of editors, you know, that's I it was frustrating. Um, you know, my book opens. The book is about my career, my my proudest achievements, like things that I've done in my career. I'm very proud of my career. Um, and a long time ago I had a dating blog and I used to be really open about my dating life online. And then just because of too much visibility, I decided to scale that back. And so I stopped talking about any relationship ever online up until this current fiance. Um, I wouldn't talk about, I wouldn't post tag things like that, um, past relationships because I didn't like the visibility. Um, and so because I made the mistake uh in 2010 of kind of putting my brand positioning as like a girl who talks about dating. Um, and I'm sure you can relate to this, when you talk about dating and sex openly, what can sometimes happen is you have a man who's interested who thinks he can do research on you, and then he's learning about you in a very inauthentic way. Yeah. Um, or worse, he misinterprets you, or worse, you reject him. And so then he thinks he's doing research on you to then weaponize your own words against you. And it just got so sticky, I didn't like it. And I was very disappointed because I write this story about my career, and in it, I talk about a breakup. I had a boyfriend, a partner who I loved, um, who was an alcoholic. And I talked about this duality of working and celebrating the fact that I had, you know, designed a new gin brand and it was doing really well, and we hit$400,000 in revenue. And then I go home to an alcoholic boyfriend.

SPEAKER_04 22:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:44

And that duality of like, here I am celebrating the sales of alcohol, but then I'm like begging this person to stop drinking. And of all the alcohol trainings I've done on sexual harassment and how to get people to drink more and all these marketing tools and how to empower your teams. I've never once had a training on asking someone to stop drinking or how to talk to someone about if they're drinking too much, or how to navigate, like, you know, hey, this might be a problem. And so I, you know, and I talked about that in my book, and my editors moved that chapter from the end right to the beginning. Like, first off the bat, talking about this personal breakup. And I'm like, wait a minute, I don't want that buried in the back. Like, that's it. I was hoping people wouldn't really see that part, and it would just get hidden. Like, oh, most people don't finish those last few chapters. That's why my last few chapters are like the most gnarly, because I'm like, ah, people won't read those ones. And my editor was like, nah, this is the gravy, this is the gold, this is the hook. People want that dirt about the love and the dating and the breakup and the crying. And so, yeah, this book kicked off with the br and that's not how I wanted it. And so I think writing a book is in three pieces, and people get so caught up on that first piece, which is the writing, that you as a ghostwriter can appreciate that I say it's the editing that takes just as much, if not more, effort.

SPEAKER_04 24:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:18

Because now you have to take your words and face a mirror, an editor, a peer who tells you and reflects back to you how your words are coming across and then wants to change them. And you can't hold them precious anymore. You have to accept the fact that your words are now out there for other people to grab onto, regurgitate, take what they want from it. I've had people quote my book back to me, and I'm like, that's not really what I meant, but that's how they interpreted it and that's their prerogative.

Kristin 24:48

Yeah, it's how it landed with them. It's their truth of your words.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

Yeah. And you have to let go of that. You have to you have to relinquish and surrender to that process. And editing is the first part of that of like, that's not what I meant. I do not want my break. Like, why does he get the first page of my book? Like, you know, and so kind of going, all right, rearranging my words, that is really painstaking. And I think that that doesn't get underscored enough when people think about the writing process. And then what happens because they're not expecting it, is they don't want to work with editors, and then their book doesn't yield the sales they want. The average book that's published sells 200 copies in its lifetime. Why? Because we don't want to lean in on, you know, our editors and the professionals, and we want our words to be done our way, and and we're holding these things so precious, and then we're amputating our own efforts. And then the third piece is the publishing. That's the piece that you know. I have this workbook that I I sell online that I made for myself. Um, because so many people are like, How do you make a book? How do you make the publishing? That's a whole other world of like unwritten rules about, you know, um publishing is one of the, if not the oldest industry in the United States of America. You want to talk about gatekeeping? You want to talk about unspoken rules? Like publishing, it's like the slightest thing, like your cover page, the the contents page, like all of these formats that we just take for granted because we're not you know publishers, so to speak. Like these unwritten rules flag you as a novice, as an independent writer, as less than, as inexperienced, and you don't even know it because you don't know the rules of the game.

unknown 26:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

And so having your layout. Yeah, yeah. And you could try to copy a book and think you know what you're doing, but then you forget the ISBN. You know, and so there's just all these little tiny rules with publishing that um I'm really grateful I had a publishing partner. But I think that those are the two the editing and the publishing are the parts that really don't, you know, the writing, you'll write it. Just write it. How do you write a book? You sit down and write it. Yeah. And nowadays, and I don't know if this is controversial to say, it's never it, you can yes, you can dictate. You can literally just sit down and talk to yourself and dictate. Yeah, it's never been easier to write a book. I mean, the I'm not saying it's easy to write a book because I mean, look, it your writing is so beautiful. Like, I mean, you the way that you piece words together is so poetic and so melodic that it's it's just incredible. My writing is a little bit more satiric satirical, paradoxical. I love your style. Really? Oh gosh. I like it less the more I read. I used to lie, I used to think I was a good writer until I started reading more.

Kristin 28:00

I loved it one and I could hear it in your voice too. And like I just love like and then the humor elements woven in, like the literally were moments where I'm like laughing out loud. I'm like, that's what so see, like I would probably say I would even write my book differently today than I did whenever it was put out. And I think that I you I could say that probably at any point in my life. Um I'm like, oh, I'd probably weave in a little more self-compassion or a little more humor, a little more. And so I think that's an interesting piece too, is like we have living, breathing um, you know, time stamps or some, you know, it time capsules living out in the world. And we, you know, have we may or may not change or have we have permission to evolve uh from what we write too. So I think that's just an interesting component that our child is out there living and breathing on its own.

SPEAKER_02 28:51

Yeah, I will say in some ways, my life feels complete. Like I, in the sense of that if heaven forbid anything were to happen. Look, I'm a Scorpio. One, I'm a Scorpio, two, I was born in the year of the snake. Three, I'm just a gothic dark person on the inside. And for whatever reason, I have this cheery disposition that I've learned over the years that makes me a little bit more agreeable for people. But like on the inside, I am very much a Wednesday Adams.

Kristin 29:19

Oh my god, I literally wow, I literally, I'm gonna have to send you this post. I literally was texting something to someone this morning about the Adams family.

SPEAKER_02 29:29

I am. I'm just I'm dark and I'm always thinking about death. And as Scorpios, that is death is a big theme for us. Um, we don't fear death, we embrace it and we obsess over it. Not just the death of like our physical beings, but death as in the end of a chapter because we crave the renewal, but we really relish that death. And so I think part of it is because I have had a myriad of health issues, I've had several surgeries, I've had several cancer scares, I've spent a lot of time in hospitals, I've had treatments, I've been surrounded by cancer patients, although I've been blessed enough to never myself have been um diagnosed with cancer. Um, I've spent a lot of time in treatment centers where I'm getting treatments uh to prevent getting cancer and make sure that I don't have cancer, and then um, you know, have these surgeries. So I'm sitting next to people who are struggling to live. And I've spent time in hospitals, so I've contemplated my mortality. And I think between that and my just natural nature of being more death-oriented, it gives me a zest for life because I have a taste of that bitter to really relish the sweet. And I do have this sense of completion that, you know, if I were to die tomorrow, my words of my book will live on forever. And the message that I'm hoping to convey, which is we all want to be loved and we all need to be loving and numbing ourselves ain't gonna get us there. But, you know, ultimately that message I hope will echo um after I go. And if I'm honored and if I'm have the honor and blessing to write books number two and three, like I hope to do, um, that'll be awesome. But just the fact that I completed that one because I don't have a baby, I don't have a child, I don't have anyone else to kind of spread my message, and that book will live forever. I mean, there's no taking it back now.

Kristin 31:30

Yeah, that's beautiful. I do, I feel a little um or like resonance with that too in a couple of ways. Uh, I'm a Scorpio moon, so like that death, rebirth um is definitely like a baked into my being. Um, and then I'm like, but I did experience, and I don't know if you have had any of this, like a now what type of thing. Because like I had built so much of my hopes and dreams on okay, I'm gonna publish this book. I want to oh, or like that yearning. I wanted to write a book and share my story and put it out in there in the world and have like healing, rippling effects. But then I had a moment of okay, I did the thing, now what? Did you have any of those kind of like thoughts or feelings?

SPEAKER_02 32:13

Or no, I have two books I want to write. So what I struggled with was like truncating that first book to not to maybe give little Easter eggs and we'll say even foreshadowing for books two and three. Cool. Um, but because I still don't know what books two and three are gonna exactly be. The same way I didn't know what book one was gonna be. I had started book one ideating, you know. Again, I had all these journals, so I'm going through like I was trying to decide am I gonna make it about work or am I gonna make it about love? Am I gonna blame my career for my lack of my love life? Am I gonna talk about all my love stories? And then ultimately, because I ended up in the hospital and was just really contemplating the meaning of my life, I realized that my career is so unique and unusual that that was the story I wanted to tell. But it took that hospitalization for me to get there. And then um, you know, so books two and three are very much gonna, they're gonna be a lot deeper. They're not gonna be book one was kind of my toe in the water. Like, okay, this is how you do it and this is how it feels. Are we ready to dive in and actually tackle like personal topics? Because my book wasn't personal. Yes, it is personal. I share personal stories, but they're pretty detached from me because they're just matter-of-fact. But when you start getting into the existentialism of my background as a black woman, a Latina woman, a woman, a survivor of sexual assault, um, a woman who has a lot of thoughts about sex education in this country, in this world, um, a woman who's traveled the world, I speak multiple languages, I've studied even more languages, you know, all of these other things, you don't see that in my book. And so to tell stories of my, you know, acts of violence that I have been, you know, on the receiving end of and like some of the more painful stuff that I didn't include in that book, now I know, like, okay, it's a process. Like, if I'm gonna go there the way that you did, um it's a it's a it's a big process of making sure that I'm really healed so I can face a lot of the difficult questions that are gonna come my way. And then also knowing that, like my first book is is my story, but again, like that second book, which I know you and I have talked about, in telling my story in its full authenticity, I'll be telling my brother's story, my mother's story, and my father's story. And are they ready for that? Like, are they really ready to hear my reality, my expectations um, or my interpretations of my experiences and how it may impact them that now their personal life is out there in the open. And so my family and friends were really shielded in that first book. So there's so much more that I want to do to actually create effective change in the world. The first book was kind of like a very shallow version of what I'm hoping to do.

Kristin 35:15

Well, I can't, I'm so curious to read your second one or like dive into it. Um, I will say, like, yeah, it's that's been one of the most challenging things. Um, is you know, in some ways, you know, having so many people that read my first book die being dead, it's a lot easier. There's a lot more grace and freedom in that aspect to write about. But I will say with my mom, it was challenging because, you know, she's like, I it was kind of like I had told some things to my best friend, and then she writes a book about it. And I'm like, oh, so there, you know, and there's aspects of our relationship that were still healing from it being out and open, and you know, me feeling that she didn't share it as much as she would have shared a project of my siblings or something like that. And she had to say, well, you know, it took me a lot to even share it once. And so it's it's it's been challenging at times. Um, so I'd I love that you're going into it with like a level of awareness and depth and reverence for the people involved, too.

SPEAKER_02 36:16

My my intention with my book, with the second book, uh first of all, I have to know the direction I'm gonna go if I'm gonna talk about sex or I'm gonna talk about love. Um sorry, or race like race. So I really want to do a book about race in America, just because I think a lot of the conversations we're having are so messy and wrong, and I don't like them on any side. I just think people have a really twisted grip on it. Um, and then sex and love, right? And so in both of those, like the race one would probably be easier in terms of my family, because like there isn't a lot of trauma that my parents inflicted upon me, right? They would just be reading about my trauma that I've experienced outwardly. The sex stuff, it's like, yeah, that's gonna start going into how their relationship with each other and how they talked about sex and all these things like impacted how I showed up in the world. And so the level of accountability and responsibility, I think the way that I might approach it to prevent what you're talking about and making sure that they're on board is making them a part of the process, like during it. So sitting down and outlining, like, and I've started doing this with my parents, and it hasn't been easy. You failed me in the following ways, and we need to talk about this. This is where you failed me. This is where you didn't protect me, this is where you missed the mark. And I'm not here to berate you, but I need this for healing. And yes, you could die tomorrow, and I still have to work on this healing. But if you can hold my hand and walk me through this and just kind of face your shortcomings and not make it about being defensive, but just meeting me where I'm at as an innocent child that was a victim of your ignorance, then maybe that will help me get to a place that I can share my story and empower other parents to do better for their kids. And what a beautiful way, right? But I think without that piece, just knowing my family, like it it could really, I wouldn't want to destroy my family. It's already like a nuke bomb hit us anyway. So the last thing we need is more distress in in my family dynamic.

Kristin 38:27

Like pulling the pieces together. I think that's definitely um a conscious and intentional and beautiful way to approach it. And I will say, like, you know, even though I did share my pages with my mom, um, and so there was never any um she wanted to she gave clarity around some pieces that were maybe like a distortion that I rem are how I remembered it from what actually happened. Um and then, but they she never discouraged me from sharing it. And so I do, I do appreciate that, even because there's a lot of courage and strength within that, um, too. And so thanks, mom. I know you'll probably listen to this.

SPEAKER_02 39:06

I love that. No, I mean that's that's I mean, that's a that's so beautiful and amazing. And the fact that she can be honest about her hesitation and apprehension, that's not a reflection on you. That's not a reflection on the words, it's just about again, a healing that needs to happen for everybody.

SPEAKER_04 39:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:26

And that's kind of like ready or not, here we go. Yeah. And sometimes you have to, someone has to be that person. Um, to kind of just you gotta get everybody on board. Yeah, just get them on the train. So your ability to share again is so healing. And look, I mean, I don't we I I can't speak for, I won't say I don't think anybody, but I will say I didn't walk away. I walked away from your book truly thinking how strong your whole family must be for you to even be in a place. That you can share it. I know so many people who should share their stories and they never will because of the level of shame from family members who inflicted pain on them. So just that ability says a lot about your family, even if you just trash them and showed them in like the worst, worst, worst light. There's still that, but she felt empowered enough to be able to share the story. And I know most people are not empowered to share their full truth like that, myself included.

Kristin 40:28

That's a good perspective.

SPEAKER_02 40:29

Yeah. So I didn't look at your mother as like, you know, it it I don't I I but again, I don't I'm not shaken. Like you can't, there's I'm I've it's been a minute since someone told me something besides will you marry me? Where I've been shocked and speechless.

Kristin 40:46

That one got me. I love that story too. Sweet. Like this is happening.

SPEAKER_02 40:52

Hello, words, silence. I was speechless. Doesn't happen often, actually ever. But someone wants to bottle that up, I'm sure. I'm sure if he could recapture whatever it is that shut me up for a moment, he would bottle that up and and pay big money for it.

Kristin 41:08

So much. And I love love so much. Like throughout all the all the heart heartbreaks, heart, you know, loss and all that stuff. I'm still a believer in love.

SPEAKER_02 41:17

Yeah, that comes through both in your writing and both in this, you know. I heard you say something to the effect that you and CR are gonna do some type of podcast to address like the conscious uncumpling, and I just think that shit crazy.

unknown 41:32

Yeah.

Kristin 41:32

We're still riding together. So our relationship has shifted. It's been interesting. Although there's a part piece of me like, who knows, maybe we'll be together in the future. Like, and he knows that I I talk about him like, you know, there's a part of me that's still hoping on the uh one day, you know, however long down the road we're together up on that mountain in Seattle, nick in books and maybe babies, I don't know. At least practicing. Yeah. Um, then yeah, and so but I I mentioned about bringing him on the podcast not too long ago, and he's like, Are you ready for that? I was like, maybe another couple weeks, maybe so um, but definitely plan on bringing him in. I I do want to touch on, and I know um we're beyond like the schedule time, but I have time if you do. I do. Um I would love to touch on your openness and sharing your faith online. And I and I love that. Um and I just wanted to touch on like did was there a moment or was there ever a question of where this is a part aspect of myself that I'm going to share or that'll help liberate others or empower others to share their journey?

SPEAKER_02 42:35

Yeah. Um I I appreciate you saying that. I um it's weird. So I grew up going, I grew I grew up in a Christian Catholic background, um, went to Catholic school K through 12, and then my college was a recently like used to be a Christian school, but then was no longer Christian, but kind of unofficially still Christian, like Christian college. And so I grew up kind of, you know, just very comfortable in my faith and speaking very openly. Like if you had a sick mom at, you know, growing up, like we would all get together and like pray and do a rosary. And like, you know, that was just very much a part of the culture in and out of school. And I remember like, I don't remember the exact scenario, but I remember saying something to my cousin, like, well, why don't you just pray about it? Or why don't you guys just do this? And she's like, We're not allowed to do that at my school. And I was like, Wait, what? Like you can't share your faith. And then now that I've gotten older and I have friends who are teachers and friends with children in public schools, like I have a much better grip of this rhetoric that we heard as children, which is, do you know how lucky you are that you go to a private Catholic school where we can have these types of discussions because other schools aren't getting this type of education, spiritual education. And what surprises a lot of people, um, and I just got in like a kind of heated debate with my fiance about this because he thought it was crazy. He's like, that makes no sense. My um senior year at my Catholic school, because again, they're assuming we've had Catholic education for 12 years, which is more than like priests get, right? So you're you've been indoctrinated for years, um, obviously at different levels. But by our senior year, what you do is you don't study the Catholic faith anymore. You study all the other religions. And so what they did was they assigned, they it was like a rotation, but we had like we had to become experts of another faith, meaning like I have studied Islam, Hindu, Hinduism, Buddhism. Um, I've studied uh Scientology, Christian Science, Quaker, Jehovah's Witness. Like I've studied these other faiths, and my religion that I had to become the expert on was Hinduism, which honestly I felt like was the hardest assignment because they have so many gods. And it was like the names felt very similar, especially when you're like 18 and just trying to, or 17, trying to come into your own. Like I, it was just a lot for me. Judaism, I'm so sorry, I skipped Judaism. Um, and so I went to synagogue, I went to mosque, and and people hear that. They're like, wait, you went to a Catholic school and they taught you other faiths. And they were like, I say, yeah, because the idea was we don't want you to just be indoctrinated to love Catholicism because we're telling you to. We want you to know that there are other options. We want you to have a respect and reverence for other faiths, the way that we want other faiths to have a respect and reverence for us. And so what this did is you were gonna choose to be Catholic. Because as you study these other faiths, you're gonna come back to the fact that like Christ is the answer, right? And what was even more amazing about that was that I had Jewish Muslim girls in my class. And so for once, they're able to like celebrate their faith and say, yeah, that's true. We celebrate Ramadan and all of these things. And so I have tangible ideas, but none of this is discussed in public schools, none of this is celebrated or understood. Yeah, and so I love like there's so much that I love about the Islamic faith. Like, I wish more people understood that faith beyond what they see on CNN where they talk about they conflate Islam and terrorism. And I think that's horrific. Like I was studying, we were studying Sikh in seventh grade, Sikh and Islam in seventh grade. And when I was in seventh grade, that was September 11, um, 2001. And so I remember like, again, we're kids, we're repeating what we hear on the news or whatever, and we were kind of talking about Muslims being terrorist or something ignorant like that. And the teacher said, Okay, like I remember the teacher getting frustrated. I just did a whole lesson on Islam. And you guys, when did we talk about terrorism? When did we talk about and so we're having these discussions, and he's like challenging us, saying, do not listen to the media that has these other agendas of separation and division? We have set sat here and talked about all the commonalities that Islam has with our faith. We have talked about the fact that our religions all come from Abraham, the same Abraham, the same God. They are our Muslim brothers and sisters, and we are not going to speak about them in such a way. And it's like, how many other kids in schools in America were getting that speech?

Kristin 47:30

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:31

You know?

Kristin 47:32

And so understand and find the commonality. That's powerful.

SPEAKER_02 47:36

Yeah. And then going to an all-girl school on top of it, like we were raised, again, not to be evangelists. Like, I'm not an evangelist, which means like someone who's trying to like force their religion on someone else. Like, you need to find Jesus. Have you been saved? And let me save you and give your give surrender your life to Christ right now. Like, let me baptize you in the name of the Lord. Like, no, I I don't do that. I'm not trying to do that. Kudos to the people who feel convicted to do such. That ain't me. But they did instill on us like a pride, an absolute pride of our faith. And so I have never hidden my my faith. I've always been a churchgoer. Um, I I went to church in college. Like, yeah, I might have been partying on Saturday, but my butt was in church on Sunday. Like, even if I was by myself, like I was like home at all. Yeah, yeah. So I've always been a churchgoer. What broke my heart was I was at brunch in Dallas um because I relocated to Dallas, and now I have a whole new world, a whole new set of friends. And I'm at brunch, a birthday brunch, and this group was like talking about this Christian and saying derogatory things within the context. And I kind of I was like, I go to church every week. Well, but you're not like one of those Christians. And I'm like, wait, you're Christian? And I'm like, wait, how did you not know that about me? Like, how can you be my friend for longer than like a day or two and not know that? Like, I'm doing something wrong. Like, if you like, I I don't shove my faith on people, but I certainly don't hide it. And this is where I was doing this inventory again about my lifestyle and decisions I'm making and who I'm hanging out with and what are their values and what are their priorities. And I just remember being at this lunch. Yeah, and they're like, Well, you're not one of those Christians. And I and I'm like, What do you mean, one of those Christians? Yeah. What do you mean? Like, I go to church every week, I love the Bible, I read the Bible, I'm convicted. And if that is not clear, then I need to reevaluate my life. And I also need to reevaluate like who I'm spending time in. Because if this is how you see my faith, like there's a severe fundamental like issue here. Because I wouldn't talk about any faith the way that they were talking about this particular Christian. Um, and really it was that they were upset that one of their friends like found Jesus and wasn't parting anymore. And so they were conflating this idea of a belief in Jesus Christ with not being fun and not, and it's like, no, maybe that person just evolved and you were not evolving with them. And and just like you said, sometimes your lack of drinking really highlights someone else's drinking, so it makes them uncomfortable. And it's like, well, then you need to take that up with yourself, honey.

Kristin 50:28

Yeah, look yourself in the mirror. Yeah, it's not my job. I got I gotta pondering that I'm doing over here in my own reflection.

SPEAKER_02 50:37

And I do like as corny or as like right wing as it sounds, is I do see like a direct war on my faith like happening where it's like the perfect example is the House of Blues in in Dallas. Like they have like eight religious relics on the stage. So they have like the Star of David and the Muslim Crescent and or the Islam Crescent, and they have all these symbols, but they don't have a single crucifix.

Kristin 51:05

Oh wow, really?

SPEAKER_02 51:06

They have like the Celtic cross, but they don't have a crucifix. And I'm like, you're gonna show representation and inclusion and include every faith but the Christian faith. Like, is that really inclusive? Like, I don't know. So I see these little things where I'm like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Like, you can't say Christians are blank unless you're gonna say I'm blank too. Um and and yeah, I have some beliefs that maybe people don't understand, but that doesn't mean that I'm evil. It doesn't mean that I'm right wing. Like, so when Harrison Butler, Butker, or whatever his name is, like did this speech about women and their role and their place, I completely agreed with everything he said. And that's hard for some people to understand. They're like, wait, what? Like you're a feminist, you're this and that, or and it's like, okay, but I have a faith. Like, I believe, which is also, again, I like to say this because it's like just so crazy. But in the Catholic Church, like we literally believe that the bread becomes the literal blood of Jesus, like the literal blood and body of Jesus, like the flesh, like the actual flesh, not a representation, but there is a miraculous transubstantiation that occurs. And if you take that bread and leave the church, it's no longer um consecrated, so it's no longer the flesh, it's back to bread again. And if you take it and you're not Catholic, then it turns to bread. It's like this magic, right? And that's really weird, right? I know, and so people are like, What? Like that's but I grew up as a kid hearing this. So by seven years old, I'm like, give me the bread, I want the blood of Christ, give me his flesh, I want his blood. Oh, you know, you're like, I want the flesh, like because you're you have to like earn it, you know, and it's and all these things. So when you take a step back and go, okay, that's very weird to explain to someone why they can't take the bread at the communion at church. It's like, no, like you're you're desecrating the body of Christ, like not a piece of bread, but like the actual body of Christ, like do not do that. And if it falls to the ground, it's still the body of Christ. So you pick it up and you eat it. Like, like we, it's the b it's the body of Christ. Like we would die for it. Yeah, and that's very hard for people who aren't Catholic to understand. And I totally get it because it's weird. Yeah, it's weird. It's like so. I'm like, if y'all didn't like what Harrison Butker said, like we we got a lot of weird beliefs in this faith. And and I and I and and we have so many rules in the Catholic faith that it's like we're all rule breakers, like there's just no way you can be a perfect anything, but perfect Catholic, good luck. Like you breathe in one way and you're breaking a rule. And so I, you know, I think there's a beauty in that of owning that you're constantly gonna fail, but not that you're striving for perfection, but you're striving to be holy and striving to be as Christ-like as possible. And so I feel a need to share my faith, but it's hard because I get more backlash than ever before. And people have said, like, you've gone Jesus freak. And I'm like, no, I've always been a Jesus freak. It's just that now that I'm seeing this shift against like people speaking really um heresy, like they're misquoting the Bible. Like, I see so many people misquote the Bible, but I'm like, that's not what the Bible says, y'all. Like, if you're gonna quote the Bible, at least quote it correctly and and don't just go off the internet. Like, just you can easily Google like Hebrews 4 6 and make sure that the Bible verse that you're quoting is actually that Bible verse and the Bible actually says that before you grab onto something. But I think so many Christian people have failed people in this country that there are so many people who conflate that failure with Christianity instead of looking at the failed person that made the mistake. Um, so my hope is that I can show the world that like you can be Christian and Catholic and inclusive and open and loving and devout and constantly fail and be open about your failures and strive to like try to do all of it. Um, but I know that I fail too. And um I just I guess I feel more convicted, but I'm so it's it's hard because I'm telling you, it's where I get the most backlash.

Kristin 55:33

That's interesting. That's tough. But I mean the coup that I think that that takes a lot of courage to stand in your truth and authenticity too. Um, which is what I see. And like I I've definitely experienced the I guess what you would say is someone failing or me feeling like um the judgment um in someone's I don't know, or project like, you know, are you gonna you die in a car wreck? Are you gonna go to heaven or hell? And I was like, that doesn't sit right with me. Yeah. So I I had to, you know, repair even work on like the the my relationship with the word God because it used to incite such like fear, judgment, and I'm like, no, and so it really within the past few years is the have to had the opportunity to go back and like work on that shifting that relationship. Um and like I feel ignorant to a lot of different rel religions, but I guess it just also gives me the opportunity to discover more about them.

SPEAKER_02 56:31

Yeah, yeah, there's something beautiful to learn from every single faith, even the church of Satan. And I say that because I feel like that's one that can easily be hated. So I'm gonna pick on the Church of Satan, but even the Church of Satan has certain principles that we could all afford to ascribe to. Now, I am not satanic, I absolutely rebuke Satan, but the Church of Satan doesn't actually worship Satan. Like if you learn more about them, that's kind of their that's kind of their edge. It's like they're almost like an ACLU. If I had to, they're almost like an organization, if you will, more than a faith. But I'm saying, like, we have this idea of what the Church of Satan is like, and we're thinking of like sacrifices and bloody goats and all these things. No, they're actually Christian faiths that do bloody goats, like we're sacrificing the goats, actually. And I think that again, I'm just such a believer in like knowledge is power, yeah. And it's so easy to put a label on someone and put them in a box of evil or different or other or the enemy or wrong. And it's like, okay, but with me or against me. Yeah. If you believe what you know, my belief is, which is we are all made perfectly in God's image, then you can't simultaneously believe that as well. That's that's my take on it. And I get in heated debates with other Christians, like judgmental Christians. Like I, you know, I have a girlfriend who I love. She was like, Well, you could love someone right to hell, Ella. You're gonna love them right to hell. And I'm like, okay, that's one take, but um, I I know a lot about I know enough about the Bible, and I have enough like education in my back pocket, then I'm not easily shaken when someone challenges my faith. And I know that a lot of Christians, a lot of people just don't have that because they didn't have the opportunity to go to a school, a parochial school, that was also adding religious education on top of it. And so, like, I can speak the rhetoric, I can speak the Bible, I'll go toe-to-toe with just about anyone, and you'll be hard pressed. Like, I, you know, I I I feel confident. Yeah. Yeah, but I do. I get in really heated debates with like Christian friends who were like, Ella, you're you're, you know, and and I cuss. Like, I don't like that I curse, but that is my biggest sin. That is my biggest sin. I know I'm out with it.

Kristin 58:55

I was curious. I was gonna say something that you mentioned earlier. Um, about and I was like, Oh, do I say that? Do I drop the F bomb? Or I mean I cuss all the time, but I'm like, I didn't know if you wanted to, because before we started recording, and I think this ties um potentially into faith and and stepping into the unknown and launching your own business too, is and relationships. I think it could apply across the board, is like you can't fuck up fate. Um, and so I love like that ideology or that trust in the unknown or having faith. Um, and so I was gonna let you share about not fucking up fate.

SPEAKER_02 59:29

Yeah, you can't fuck up fate. I mean, I don't love that I curse, and I'm working harder to to work on that. Like that truly is my battle, and it's been my battle since I was 10 years old. It's this mouth. But I also know that I have an anointed mouth that can speak life or death. The Bible says that to us. Like your your tongue can speak life or death. You choose. And what I do think about my cursing is um one, I guess it makes me a little bit more relatable at some times, but I know it turns people off. Um, but I'm like, okay, at least I'm open about my sin. I don't have some dirty sin in the back of my closet. I just I don't. I'm not saying that, like at least like I as gross or sick as some people might be, I just wish people would be out with it and say, I'm failing on this front. I'm a pedophile and I like to look at little kid pornography. But you know what? If we could be more open about that and like claim, claim our problem, what that does is it forces us to face it, reconcile it, and fix it. It's when it's hiding in the dark shadows that it's thriving because that way it's like it's not changed. Yeah. Yeah. But when you say, hey, I'm Ella, I am trying not to curse. I am, I own that this is not attractive. I own that this is not glorifying the Lord. I certainly have cursed at times where like I have been in situations where I've disappointed my parents because of my cursing. I've disappointed people who I like, people who I wanted to impress, that because I dropped a bad word, they immediately thought less of me because they thought I was less educated. And, you know, like I have to accept that's the consequence of this mouth. And I don't have as much control over my tongue as I need to. It is a constant battle. And that constant battle gives me compassion for everybody else's constant battle. Because I know I'm constantly failing it. But I'm not gonna shame away or pretend like I don't do it. Um, that's why I don't take it out of my podcast, I bleep it out. Oh, okay. Because I could just like remove it and act like I never said it. But I don't that that to me doesn't honor like, no, it's something I'm working on. And then people are like, why do you bleep it? Like it's your own editing. You just edit it out. I'm like, but I want people to know that it's important for me not to, but I still do.

Kristin 1:01:53

Yeah, and I think the more we embrace our humanness, or at least for me, I'll speak for myself, the more I embrace my humanness, my messiness, my my chaotic moments, the more spiritual and tuned in I feel. Um, and so and or like it's like a it's um I'm not denying a piece of myself, I guess. Yeah. By saying yes and accepting and loving all the messy parts.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:14

Yeah. And let's be real, saying like, so I have it in my phone if I say the F-word, because that's my favorite one.

Kristin 1:02:23

I love that one.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:24

I do like that one. It auto-corrects, so it auto-corrects to a censored emoji, like the angry censored emoji. And every time it does that, it pisses me off because I'm trying to say like this fucking guy, and then it'll be like that emoji, and I'm like, that emoji just doesn't deliver the message as poignantly as like what I'm trying to say. And I'm sorry, like the F-word, there is no synonym. Okay. Like, if I say this fucking guy right here, nothing, like, nothing's gonna have that same sharpness. And so I need to be better about using it. So when I use it, it actually has that efficacy. Cause otherwise, if you're doing it all the time, you just sound sloppy. And you know, I don't, especially as women, unfortunately, I think people are just less forgiven when we curse. But like, yeah, like, oh, you can go fuck yourself. Like that, I would never say that to someone. Yeah, I would not say that to someone. I don't curse people, but like that, what else can you say? Like, well, I hope that you lose your retirement. Drive off a bridge. I hope your retirement account dips in the in the stocks and you lose all your monies and you gotta keep working until you're 85. Like, okay. I know it's like, no, go fuck yourself. Poignant, point across, the end. So yeah, room for questions. That's when I kind of like justify it. Like my my fiance, I keep wanting to call him boyfriend, and every time I say boyfriend, he looks at me.

Kristin 1:04:09

And that's like a different F word. A different F word. A different F word.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:13

Um, you know, he doesn't, he does not curse, but on the like rare occasion he says the F word, I'm like, it like means so much more because he never uses it. So when he does, and it's never at me, it'll be like third person, like, and then that fucking, I'm like, let me clutch my pants. I know me the vestpas. Oh my lord. I'm just like, oh my, like it's very like exhilarating, kind of like, oh, he said a bad word. So, you know, I think there's a poignancy there as far as like what you were talking about with knowing your identity, stepping into faith. I think integrity has really been a theme, like something that I've been trying to study more deeply over the last few years. And this is because of the tremendous, commendable work that Brene Brown has done on this front. Yeah. Um, but first I became obsessed with the word grit, because there was a period in my life where a lot of people were like, girl, you got grit, you got grit, you got grit. And I didn't really like that word. It just sounded too gritty to me. It sounded too harsh, it sounded not smooth, not polished. And I mean, because it's grit, it's not smooth, it's not polished, it's cement. And so um, I never like I kind of it didn't sit well with me getting that um while it was complimentary, it just didn't sit well with me. But then for whatever reason, my brain realized when I was listening to Brene Brown talk about integrity, and grit, those G-R-I-T of integrity, like stuck out to me where I was like, ooh, maybe the reason why grit was repeating in my head so much was because it was supposed to lead me to the integrity, and grit is right there in the middle. Because it takes grit to live in your integrity. That was gonna be one of the that's one of the names, that's one of the possible names of my book is like I have it called something integrity, and then the grit is highlighted. But some guy already did it, and I felt so unoriginal. I'm like, oh, I hate the human experience where you think you're original, but then you realize someone else did it, even though you couldn't put it on your own. Yeah, some other guy did it, and it's like it's like a self-help book, like Tony Robbins style, like self-help empowerment book. And I'm like, no, that's not the right usage of this word. But yeah, integrity is, you know, from if you want to speak in chakras or if you want to speak, you know, in your physical body, you know, from your head to your toe or to your sacral, you know, like it's like where am I sitting? Where am I? How am I feeling? Are my shoulders heavy? Am I carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders? Is my gut happy right now? Do I trust my gut? Am I breathing properly? Am I comfortable in my chair? Because if we can't even recognize that physical being and mindfulness right now, how do we expect us to operate in the world where we don't even know who we are, what we want? We flip-flop with whatever's popular, we go with the wind because we're so out of touch with our center that we don't know what feels good or doesn't. And then we keep finding ourselves in these terrible patterns of opening ourselves into harmful situations, whether it's drug use, abuse, um, loving relationships that are very toxic, narcissism, whatever it is, these like patterns that we repeat, it's because we're out of our integrity. And when you get real aligned on your integrity, what's for you and what's not for you becomes a lot more clear. And you don't hold it precious and you don't get offended, and you're not, you're just like that. Don't sit well, right? Like preach, sister. Preach. I love sushi and some people don't. Like, and you know what? Someone else hating sushi does not affect my love of sushi. I just pity them that they don't on they don't get to love, like that they have to be disgusted by something that's so amazing. Like, I feel bad for them, right? I don't get offended if someone doesn't like sushi. I'm like, more for me, you're lost. Like, gosh, like what a joy that you've missed out on life that you don't like sushi because the first time I had sushi, it was love at first bite. I remember it vividly. And and so why can't we be like that with all of our ideals? Why can't we understand that the divine God, whatever it may be, that the the power that puts that sun and moon up every day? Well, you know what I mean, that makes us rotate around the sun and moon, so it looks like they're going up and down every day, right? That ain't you, honey. I don't care how powerful you are, I don't care how much you manifest, you ain't changing that cycle. So, whatever power that you want to surrender to, that you can go, hmm, it's not me that makes the sun rise. Like that can't do that. I am not that powerful. And the collective is not that powerful. There is a bigger power that's doing it, whether it's gravitational pull, whatever you want to call it, I call it God, right? So that power, I believe, also has anointed us with differences. That's why some of us like different foods. That's why some of us like, and I think food is a really like benign conversation of some of us just never like tomatoes. I love tomatoes, I love them. I'm not a tomato gal. Some people like really don't like them, right? I hate cheese. I hate cheese. I don't know why I hate cheese. It's very inconvenient.

Kristin 1:09:46

And I don't like chocolate either. Ah yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:51

And so I didn't choose to not like cheese. And trust me, like, I'm glad I don't like cheese because I'd probably be like 50 pounds heavier, but I'm great, like it's frustrating because if someone puts cheese in my food, I can't eat it, right? And so it's like some other power made that again. I look at it as like, wow, because I don't like something that everybody loves, like just naturally, everyone in my family. I can't stand mac and cheese. Like, if it's around me, if you order it around me, I'm disgusted, like I want to vomit, like it's repulsive to me, right? But what that says to me is like now I have a sensitivity that if someone's grossed out by a sushi, I'm more mindful because I'm like, well, I know how I feel about cheese. Now, this is not a moral issue, this is just a preference. Why can't we approach our differences? Blessing. Um I'm quite blessed this season with uh summer. I'm the blessed, most blessed girl out here. Um you know, why can't we approach like our differences in spiritual journeys, in understanding, self-actualization, um euphoria, whatever it is? Why can't we look at our differences in a similar vein? Of like, you know what? My mom doesn't like tomatoes either, and I can accept you, even though I like tomatoes and I'll eat your tomatoes.

Kristin 1:11:14

And you know what? We both like sushi. That's our commonality.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:18

I mean, yeah, why can't we just common grams? Why can't yeah, why can't we be a little bit more open like that and recognize that the same way that we have different tastes, the same way I hate cheese to no fault of my own? I certainly had plenty of exposure to it, but for whatever reason, I don't like cheese and my whole family does. Every the whole world does, it feels like. And so it's like, okay, but maybe my pursuit for vigilant justice, maybe my desire or a desire for you know gender equality, whatever it might be, can we just accept that not everything is our choice? That sometimes things are get are just gifts in disguise.

Kristin 1:12:00

Oh, I love that. And I love the idea, like I love the notion of like us all being um what you know, made in the image of God or like little gods ourselves, and we get the opportunity to experience ourselves in another different form with another set of preferences, with another set of ideas or beliefs. Um, and I just think that's a beautiful way to interact or look at it too. Um it's like to fully know ourselves, we get to experience ourselves in different forms.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:26

Yeah. Yeah. And to at least see our connectivity. That's what I'm hearing. Right. Because like I do, I think one of my apprehensions with the spiritual world is this idea that we are the gods of our own world that we can control. Like, I firmly believe in manifesting, but I also think that sometimes what you think you're manifesting, because we're dumb idiot humans, we think we're manifesting like the man of our dreams, and then we're manifesting a whole ass demon. Like, you know, stuff like that. It's like, girl, like some of us need to stop with the manifesting because we don't, we're not doing it right. Like, and so understanding like I believe in the power of attraction, I believe our thoughts become reality, but I also believe that because of traumas, that we can be distorted. And so that's where I like surrendering to my higher power because I can recognize I may not know what's best for me. And and like, yeah, because Lord, like, if I manifested everything I want, maybe I am manifesting a lot of the things that or I'm I'm getting a lot of the things that I wanted at seven years old. I used to pray for straight hair. Now I have straight hair and I'm really upset about it because I never embraced my curl. I it took me a long time, and I would pray every night to have straight hair like all the other girls in class in kindergarten. Well, God answered my prayer. Boy, I manifested it, and now I'm like this limp, dead, nothing sadness. Like, oh my god, but I manifested it. Woo woo! Like, so you know, it's like understanding that we are always children. We are we are itty bitty babies because Mother Earth, Mama Earth, our creator, whatever you want to call it, like a higher power is a whole lot older older than you, and our lifespan is a grain of sand in the existence of everything. And so when we recognize that we are itty bitty babies, we don't know crap. We don't know crap. And I and I think that back to the you know judgmental Christian conversation. I'm like, anybody who stands up and says, I got a full grip on Christ, I know everything about Christ, I know exactly what the good Lord meant in that Bible. It's like, do you know that people dedicate their whole lives into translating? Like the Bible was written in three different languages, that's like several different cultures and contexts. Like, do you understand? And then it was translated into English, but you think that you have a grip on it? Like, get out of here, honey. Get some humility, get on your knees. Like, you cannot tell me that you have a full grasp of everything. You cannot tell me, like, as perfect as the Bible is, like, you don't, that's part of the faith. Is like, you gotta admit you don't know. You're hoping you have an idea, but it's that little doubt and understanding that gap is where we can build compassion and not sit on our high horse. I don't have tolerance for like judgmental people and people who use their religion.

Kristin 1:15:14

Yeah, no, I am so curious too. Like one of my teachers said the other day, um, and I loved it. And you know, instead of fake it till you make it, she said, faith it till you make it. And so are there any like um tips or you know, practices that you use to either surrender or to grow your faith?

SPEAKER_02 1:15:31

Um, yeah, I mean, and again, I'm gonna give a Christian context because I am Christian, but I wished like forget Christ, religion, all that, just looking at the Bible as a really old book. One, it's like the oldest book out there, and two, it's the most circulated book out there. Um, I would say the Quran is up there too, and and you know, they're going neck and neck right now. And so when we look at these two books, because I haven't read the whole Quran, their Quran is like got a lot going on. Um, but what I have read, like there are some teachings that I'm like, that's amazing, right? Um, I and what I love about the Bible in terms of humility is like there's nothing you're going through that isn't mentioned in the Bible. That blows my mind because it was written so long ago. And I'm like, even though TikTok didn't exist back then, like there are certain principles that you can apply every single day. So there is not a single day that I don't live with the word. Um, and and if I'm like kind of lost and going, oh, this doesn't feel right, or why am I dealing with this pride? Like, let me uh okay, what is let me turn into the Bible? And the Bible is consistent every time, and it's gonna tell you exactly like, baby, put your pride down. Because as long as you're holding on to your pride, you are further away from me. Like, I will cast you so far away, God says. Get your pride out of here. Of all the sins, that one's the one I have no tolerance for. Get your little pride booty, and then I'm like, oh shoot, I better put this pride away. And so there are so many awesome, um, like there's so many learnings, and you could truly dedicate your whole life to studying the Bible, and you still won't have, like, you still won't be able to get it all because not only is it a big book that has been translated, so you have to understand the cultural context of what's being said. Um, but there's then you add that spiritual nature. So for me, like I have this daily devotional and it's wild because it's calendared and I just reuse it every year. Um, and it's got like January 1st, January 2nd, all the way to December 31st. And I, it doesn't matter what season I'm in, it doesn't matter what I'm going in. When I open up that book at night, I feel so heard and seen by my creator. I'm like, I do have anxiety. How'd you know? Oh, because I'm not original. Because this is the common human experience, you know? And so I think like that back to center, that helps give me peace because when the world feels chaotic and like, oh my gosh, and you know, back and forth and all this, like again, where I find my integrity is like, no, no, no, no, no. And the God says, give my anxiety, give your anxieties to him. The anxieties are not to be here or to be here in my belly, they're to be share that devotional with me. It's called Um Becoming, and it's by Sarah Young, and she's got a bunch of different versions. She's got like a version for new moms, kids, all that stuff. But it was a gift given to me during a really painful season of 2017. Um, I had tremendous, I had I lost a lot of people that I loved in one season, and it was just horrific. It was a 2017 was a really bad year for the world, but for me as well. And so um I was just drowning in darkness, and not the good kind of darkness I like, Wednesday Adams, but like a true darkness of like, you know, really just not wanting to exist anymore. And so a friend gave me that devotional, and every year I start to think, I think I'm gonna give this away. Like I want to share this with someone else because it's been such a gift to me. And then when I start to think about sharing it, I crack it open to the day, and then I'm like, oh, this is so relevant. Nah, I'm gonna keep it. And so I've been reading it not daily, it's not as daily as it could be. Um, but I read it, you know, I've been reading it for seven years, and it's still relevant, even in a season of happiness, um, seasons of loss, seasons of change. It's it's wonderful. Um, and what she does is she doesn't just give you Bible quotes, she talks in first person to you as God, which is really intense. I'd never read anything like that before, where it's like, I am your God. You need to listen to me. Sit down, shut up, be still, know who I am. And you're like, ooh, like it just feels so personal. And I I love it. I personally love that. Um, and I think that it's again like the Bible, even if you're not Christian, like truly, the Bible just has so many gems. Like, my the I'm probably gonna change it going into this next season of wifery. Um, but my current Instagram bio for years has been the first line is pro Proverbs 3130. And it says, um beauty is fleeting, charm is deceiving. But praise to the woman who fears the Lord. And the reason why I wanted that to be my Instagram quote was like Instagram like bio, not that anyone ever looks up that Bible quote, but if you do, what I want to say is who cares how charming and funny this Instagram page is? Who cares how beautiful I look because I airbrush everything and I put myself in a bikini when you know I'm like 25 pounds lighter, and all who cares about being beautiful or funny or charming? What matters is surrendering to my higher power. And I want that to be the first message, like if anyone comes to my page, I think that's gonna change in this next season because you know, I I want to now focus on okay, as a wife, what that means, you know, in terms of my role as a woman of God, supporting a man of God, and all of that. So I'm kind of thinking about you know, changing that. But again, like that Bible verse has gotten like when I start feeling unattractive, it's like, who cares if you're ugly? God says your beauty is deceiving anyway, or your beauty is fleeting. It's gonna go, you're gonna get uglier, but you gotta praise him as you get ugly, you know. I mean, and and so any season in life, anything you're going, sickness, anxiety, pain, joy, happiness, starvation, fear about paying your bills, fear about paying taxes.

Kristin 1:22:10

Going into the unknown.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:12

Yeah. Like, you know, it's like so cool because it's kind of validating because you're like, oh my gosh, this old book knows a thing or two. Like, I just I truly, truly I fall more in love with it the more I learn about it. And then now learning that it was written out of order, it's blowing my mind. It's like a Quentin Tarantino movie. God done wrote Memento. I didn't know this. The Bible was written out of order.

Kristin 1:22:39

Okay. Yeah. And I'm like, what?

SPEAKER_02 1:22:41

I didn't know that. And I'm like, so I learned that recently. Like at this, like, you know, again, that's where I say you could literally spend your whole life studying the Bible. It only proves further that it was perfectly written, that he wrote it out of order. Missing pieces? Yeah, like clues. Because what happens was you had people around the world who didn't know each other, and then they're coming together and kind of piecing it like a puzzle piece. Like, wait a minute, but I wrote that a hundred years ago, and yours is written 10,000 years ago, but they say the same thing in different languages. Make it make sense. It's really cool. Like when you kind of like piece together those like imperfections, it's like, yeah, he did it imperfectly because if it was perfect, we would just think, well, yeah, it got written in order, and the person just kept continuing the next story. But when it's written in so many fragments and they all come together and fit perfectly, you're like, okay, now it's kind of divine. That's what makes it divine. It's it's it's very, very cool. Like you like when you start thinking of it that way, you're like, whoa. And then um, yeah, I don't know. I'm it's it's fun. I've really like a dork in me. It's like, if you like history, you gotta check out the Bible.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:56

Yeah, no, I will.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:00

Again, that's not me being preachy, though. I really mean it. It's it's not me being preachy, like, go get yourself the Bible, you're betting your safe, you're going to hell.

Kristin 1:24:09

Just as a curiosity, too. And um, like, you know, I think there's lessons to be learned anywhere. Oh, yeah. So totally. I don't like tell me what you got on anxiety. I know, I know. And if it helps relieve it, like fantastic. Um, so I wanted to touch on too, like some of your offerings. If you have if you have time still. I do. Okay, cool. I want to touch on some of your offerings that you're helping people out with, um, and how you decided to like venture into the unknown unknown, like start your business, do all of that.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:40

Um yeah, I mean, I, you know, it's been interesting, it's like a different ball game, like running your own business. And I know you know that because you've been living like the solopreneur life a lot longer than I have, and it's fabulous, like it's amazing. But for me, it does feel like feast or famine. So I've helped a few brands with building their exit. So, meaning like because of my experience of corporate bringing on new brands, I know what bigger companies are looking for from a marketing perspective before bringing on a brand. So if you want to sell your brand, um, you know, that's something that I could help with the positioning. And then furthermore, just getting more product into more hands. Um, and so I think like sometimes what owners need to do is relinquish a little bit of control or just have a sounding board of someone who's a hundred percent on their side, right? So it's like, I want what you want, I'm on your side. When I'm working within the organization, then I have to be on the organization side. But if I'm hired by like the brand owner or the company owner, or a VP of sales, um, someone in supply chain, then it's like, okay, then tell me your goals and let's make your goals a reality. Um, and so that that has been awesome and wonderful. And then I've been speaking a lot more uh just to share various, you know, tools, solutions. And what I'm trying to do, not so successfully, is bring more soft skills into the business world. I love business, I love numbers, I love analytics, I love all that stuff that a lot of creatives just don't like. I'm not as creative as people give me credit for. I'm a lot more analytic. I love market research, I love diving into data, I like creating data sets, um, I love negotiating, I love um in like analyzing the returns on investment. Um, I love talking about like stocks and investing, and I just I do. I really stock options. So that stuff excites me and gets me really excited because numbers don't lie unless we make them lie. And so, because we could do that too. But I love that part. But what I'm hoping to do is bring a little bit more soft, like people building communication skills, like saying the same message but in a different way, so it's more effective. Yeah, and we do that in advertising and marketing, but I think sometimes we overlook the importance of our internal communications, how we're talking to our stakeholders, um, and then also just having the confidence to move the way we need to move. And so a lot of that confidence building is gonna be more of the soft skills. Um, and so that's what I'm trying to bring into corporate America, but I'm not doing it as quickly as I was hoping. Um, I'm starting to think that I might go back to corporate. Um this week I decided to start applying for jobs just to see how it feels um because I also kind of miss a consistent paycheck.

unknown 1:28:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:03

So beautiful. Yeah. I mean, but then I'm like, am I gonna feel like a failure? Like, you know, so I've been working on my own for nine years, but I didn't establish my LLC till nine months ago or eight months ago. So it's a bit of a transition and then going full time these last two years, like working on my own. I had a deal, like I had a golden parachute deal that went really well. Um, this company exited and I had options, and so I got the biggest paycheck of my life, and that was exciting. But like, okay, and then what? You know, like it's not anything I could live off forever. So it's like, you know, again, feast or famine, that is hard for me. I think it's high risk, high reward. Um, it feels a lot more like gambling, um, which is interesting. And so I I'm kind of like trying to figure that out. But what I'm hoping is like everything that I built, my website, my branding, my tools, a lot of the tools that I have for my clients, the decks that I have, like these things I can still serve, you know, my clients while having a full-time job because I put a lot of systems in place with the free time that I had of fully dedicating myself to building my business, my LLC, the forms, all these things that I had to do. I don't know that I would have ever taken the time to do it if I was working a full-time job. So I'm kind of like, okay, now the system's in everything. Yeah.

Kristin 1:29:39

No, and I truly believe that you're in, like you'll be placed in the rooms or to meet the people that you need to meet. And if that means like going back to corporate for like a different end um vision or scenario or whatever it is, I think it'll happen. Because I had a moment um going back. I I worked at an event for BMW this past weekend, and I've had this like inner thing like, do I say goodbye to this? Do I let it go? Do I keep doing this? Or um, and then I was chatting with someone there about a recent loss that they were going through or grief, and it was like one of my teammates, and I was like, This is why I'm here. And so I like so it just had a a little clarity amidst like my inner turmoil of like, okay, may it maybe it the I wasn't or like I was trying to wrap some kind of context or assign a certain meaning or what this stood for in my life, and then it was like, Oh, but you're actually here for like moments like these two. And so I just thought that was a little beautiful, a little snippet.

SPEAKER_02 1:30:41

We're exactly where we need to be, and if we keep feeling this pull, and again, it's hard because if we have to be living in our integrity, our full integrity, right? So sometimes we go back to an abusive relationship, even if it's emotionally abusive, right? We keep having this pull back because we haven't solved the integrity, but I also believe that when you feel that pull in a certain direction or that recourse of like, wait, I'm trying to leave. That's how I feel about the alcohol industry. I had planned on leaving the alcohol industry. I wrote this book, I thought I was gonna be blackballed. And instead, they're like, come speak at our events, come talk to us. Can I hire you? And I'm like, you want to hire me? Is this a prank? I'm getting flown out to New York for the second time this summer to go do another speaking engagement. I'm like, y'all really I thought I was gonna be like my head on a pike. Like, I really thought I was being pranked. The first time I got invited to speak at a trade show convention for the alcohol industry, I was like, I'm being pranked. Someone's setting me up here. Right. And I'm like, uh, do they know what my book's about? And then I mean, I had a line waiting for me. That was weird. Oh, that's cool. So I show up to the book signing and there's like a line of people. It was like six people, but still, okay. And I see them lined up and I'm like setting up, and I'm like, what are y'all waiting for? Like, what's coming? Who's what's going on? Like, I was literally just like, what's up, guys? I was just as I I was excited to see humans because I didn't think anyone was gonna be there because I still had to set up. And they're like, We're here for you, your book. Aww. And I I mean, I could get teary-eyed. I was I was so stunned. I was so stunned. I was like, wait, what? They're like, Yeah, we want to, we we want to talk to you about your book. And these are separate people. And then I didn't set up for my book signing. So, like an hour into the book signing, someone was like, Are you gonna set up? Why aren't you set up? And I was like, Well, these people are coming and I'd rather talk to them. And so I just never got to like put up my signs and decoration because I just ended up talking to people and and um it was just, you know, one guy, a few, a few men, like men, um, you know, came up to me and like hugged me and cried, like saying that they are so grateful to see a voice like mine represented in the industry because we aren't talking about like the burnout. And so back to what you said of like, I really feel like I should be leaving this, like, I'm ready for my next chapter. I really want to go into tech. I just feel myself getting pulled towards tech. I think tech needs my flavor. And yet somehow I'm also getting pulled back into this space. And so as I apply for jobs, that's where I'm narrowing my job, is like mostly like food and beverage, which is what I've been doing, or tech, which is a bit of a leap, but I think maybe I can bridge some gaps, like with you know, customer segmentation, all this boring stuff. Um, and so I'm like, okay, we'll see. I'm trying to be excited, um, but I get a little, I get a little bummed out. Some like I get a little like I'm like, oh, I don't want to like apply for jobs and am I a failure, you know, it's it's hard, but again, I trust that I I'm talented enough to figure it out and where I need to be to serve my purpose that is on my heart to empower other people is is where I'm gonna land. And I fully have faith in that. I really do. So it's been a great season. Like I enjoy being a business owner, but it's also just no job is guaranteed. It really is more of a mental game because even if you have that consistent paycheck, you could still get laid off in three months, six months, nine months. But just that, like it's a different ballgame. It's a different ballgame. So I think in this next chapter, I will hopefully be able to do both and serve people as I need to, also bearing in mind, like obviously non-competitive activity and stuff like that. But just making sure that um I'm fully serving my purpose so that way at my funeral, people say nice things about me.

Kristin 1:35:09

Oh, people are gonna say wonderful things about you.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:12

Yeah, back to death. It's always back to death for me. Always back at death. It's always like, okay, well, she ain't gonna be at my funeral. So did you ever write your own obituary? Okay, that okay. I have done everything for my so my whole funeral is planned. Because, like, again, homegirl's been on under the knife one too many times. So, like, bet that my funeral is planned. I have the playlist and it's gonna make all y'all cry. It's you're gonna be like, that Ella was an evil bitch for this one. Because my playlist is is just knife twist. Like, I go there for my funeral playlist. Like, you're gonna laugh and you're gonna cry and you're gonna roll your eyes on. Yeah. Yeah, seriously. But but um, you know, and I I have the plans of what I want people to do and what I want people to wear. Like, I want everyone wearing black. What the fuck is this whole celebration up? This is a funeral. Get it straight. There will be black veils, there will be no white and light blues. Fuck that. Y'all gonna cry. Y'all gonna be sad, okay? It's gonna rain, okay? It will be dark and gloomy and rainy.

Kristin 1:36:25

That's they're gonna go in the air.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:27

Yes, okay. And you're gonna have an umbrella and you're gonna sing umbrella L L A. And know that I'm always over there protecting you and keeping you prosperous, but you gonna cry. You ain't gonna celebrate some happy life. This whole celebration of life. We're aloha flower. Fuck that bright shit. I'm a Scorpio and we are wearing black. That's that's it. Like, I you know, it's gonna be very like my chemical romance Helena music video. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor. That again is my motif. Yeah. Okay, some homework. So I have some more combo. Please do. If you like dark, I love it. It's one of my favorite music videos. It's like one of my most watched YouTube videos. I've been watching it since 2006. But yeah, I think that that, you know, that's what I I because again, that that eminent understanding of the finality of death, but also just the temporary status of our circumstances here on this planet. I think that's why I don't get intimidated by people who are really powerful or have a lot of money or have celebrity status, because some people like think of someone on the toilet to like not be as intimidated by someone. I just always think like, motherfucker, you're gonna be just as dead as me in like 150 years.

Kristin 1:37:52

Yeah, it's that's uh bleeding. It is. And like I feel like some of my biggest strife moments are when I attach permanence to impermanent situations, and everything is impermanent. So I'm like, life itself. Um little piece within that. Yeah. Um, okay, where can people find you? I freaking love this conversation. Did you I thought we were gonna talk about more sex? I was so excited. Talk about the sex. I'm like, we can do a whole nother one with about sex if we want to. Let's talk about sex, baby.

SPEAKER_02 1:38:24

Let's talk about you and me. Yeah, because um you had a uh a former poly, a former polyamorous woman who went monogamous, and I gotta be honest on your podcast. I'm not I'm like, which person? She like rededicated herself to monogamy. What was her name? I almost want to say Tina, but I know that's not right. She was so eloquent. She used to be a heroin addict, she had like an opioid addiction. Oh, maybe um Gina. Okay, she was really eloquent. I loved her, but when she was saying that like that, because again, I'm very, very monogamous. Like, yeah, like like what? You you ain't gonna think or look at another woman ever again. Ever again, Jim, it's over. But you know, so I'm sitting here, like, she's like, I discovered, and I'm not mocking her, honestly. Like, I love that episode. I really like she's awesome. I'm not mocking her. But in that statement where she was like, I've just realized that polyamory is not for me, and I'm a monog, I'm like, duh, yes, this is where it's at.

Kristin 1:39:32

I mean, I've had those moments myself. Like, I've had the moments where I'm like, God, I have so much love in my heart to give. Like, am I Polly? And then, like, you know, looking at it deeper, it's just like, no, I just think I had uh fears around commitment and like, you know, shying away from and like if I am in that space, it could potentially keep me protected or, you know, or safe from uh hurt or harm if I do choose to go Monokomus. So like I've I've Like tried to self-analyze and look at myself through lots of different lenses. Um, and right now, definitely the one that feels um the most like resonant with me is like that divine partnership or more monogamous or uh giving myself grace or to shift or create my own like over time moment to moment.

SPEAKER_02 1:40:21

Yeah. Um yeah. I know, and that's I love challenging my poly friends. I love it because I'll poke holes in their story. Like, well, when you have multiple kids, when you have multiple kids, the love just multiplies, right? That's one of the arguments. I'm like, okay, even with kids, you got a favorite.

Kristin 1:40:40

Yeah, I think I am. I'm a self-selected favorite child.

SPEAKER_02 1:40:46

Yes. And so I like I love poking the holes because what it would I the I I do believe outside of certain exam like certain exceptions, just like the sushi, right? Like I just I do believe that we in this weird way are we as women, let me let me let me make that clarity. We as women are built to be monogamous, and I think it's just shown that like we only have one gestation period a year. Obviously, you could do back-to-back, but like having two babies in a year in a 12-month period, pretty rare, right? And pretty difficult. And you gotta be trying, like you really gotta be like going for the gold at that point. But like our bodies only give us one gestation. Meanwhile, these men could be impregnating 10 other chicks at the same time in the same gestation period. Shout out to Elon Musk and who's got and Bob Marley and Cannon and you know, these men who got, I think, is it Wiz Khalifa? No, it's uh who someone the the the babies are like three months apart with the same dad. I'm like, yeah, we women can't do that. I I just I do believe that we are built to be like monogamous, and I know that that could be a controversial statement, but I'm like, I just cause in my head, I I just I've seen Polly bring a lot of pain for my female friends, for my female friends, and I make it specific to the female experience because once like with men, I'm not so sure that they're like I tell Jim, I'm like, You're gonna cheat. That's your nature. You you gotta spread that seed, you know. You just make sure she doesn't embarrass me, make sure she doesn't have the balls to call me. She better be afraid of me. Just make sure you pick a girl who knows how to keep it tight. Wrap it up, yeah, yeah. And he gets so offended. He's like, How could you speak? I'm like, it's the truth, Jim. You a man. Y'all do some nasty stuff. And so I feel like some of us have like drank in this like Kool-Aid of like, yeah, I'm Polly, like trying to get our. And I'm like, no, I find my empowerment from saying, I got tunnel vision, I only want one person, and I'm not gonna like I don't, that's all I want. I'm not gonna settle for trying to split my love or you know, whatever it is. And I love having these conversations because it's not a it's not a judgment of of polyamory. I mean, it's on the rise. Like people are getting a lot more open with their their and again, I think everyone should let the freak flag fly and let it fly high and tell it to the world. Like, yes, we're not gonna be able to identify like what the cultural shifts if we're hiding them in the closet. So I, you know, but I also believe in like dialogue and just you know, all that stuff. But yeah, I in this ironic way, I have a very traditional um views on sex, not because just because of my Christianity, but because of my exposure to the world, where I'm like, you know, I tried this, I tried that, and I think if I just stick to one, that makes things a lot less complicated and hurtful for me.

Kristin 1:43:56

That's so anyway.

SPEAKER_02 1:43:57

I know you found your one. Yeah, I am I am too. I I have a I struggle with sitting in that though. Like I'm still not like I'm still like he could still call it off tomorrow, and I'll just be J Lo collecting a bunch of engagement rate. Like, I still have the we a status doesn't change your trauma.

SPEAKER_04 1:44:18

Like that's the biggest thing, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:44:20

Like just you really have to continue to do work. Because he's like, okay, so when we're married, you still think you're okay, then you're gonna be thinking, you might divorce me, you know, and I'm like, well, even then it'll be a little harder, like there'll be warning signs, but like, you know, but yeah, like I still like yes, he's my one and I love him, but like even hearing you say that, I had this like like, but what if he changes his mind and now it's embarrassing because I done told the world that we're engaged and he could just change his mind tomorrow, you know? And so I still have a lot of work to do on that front. There, I don't think there is a coming, I don't think you ever arrive. I think you just constantly grow and learn and then look and hope to be the best.

Kristin 1:45:03

Checkpoints. I kind of see it as like a spiral, like you might be circling back over the same issue, but you have more tools and tool belts and time as you're working your way up.

SPEAKER_02 1:45:13

Yeah, amen. Yeah.

Kristin 1:45:15

Yeah. Versus like, oh, this all that's that you know, this unhealed part of me.

SPEAKER_02 1:45:20

They like to rear their ugly heads. They really do. Yeah. So that's been more triggering in this season of engagement than I expected. Like there's this sudden fear, like, but what if I lose you now? Now it's like embarrassing because I told the whole world that we're engaged, and you know, I have like these, and he's he's wonderful. He just keeps going, I ain't going nowhere. You know, he he's great at at assuaging that. Um, but I yeah, it it hasn't, I would be lying and inauthentic to pretend like it's like have after, yeah. Like, nah, that's not how I roll. I'm always thinking of death. So I'm like, how is this gonna end? Is it gonna be till death? Or is it gonna be some other chick?

Kristin 1:46:10

Uh I mean, I do have those insecurities on with my attachment style. I feel like I go through both of them, then I I self, sometimes I self-implode or self-destruct. Well, I'm learning as I'm driving back from CR, like I'm leaving, you know, Arizona and I'm driving back to Texas and I'm listening to a book on attached. I'm like, oh shit, is that what I'm doing right now? I love it. I love it.

SPEAKER_02 1:46:33

Well, and what's interesting about attachment theory that I'm now just learning this year, because I it showed up in my current relationship, is that what might be our attachment style with certain people can change. So where I'm usually avoidant, like when I found out I was avoidant, I like went to my friends, I was like, Y'all, I found out I'm avoidant. And like I are you not shocked? I took like three different quizzes and they all said avoidant. Like they said I'm like, is this not a sh and my friends are looking at me like chick, like you won't even XYZ. Like your commitment phobia is like next level. Like you won't, you're like texting, like, you know, and so I I was like, wait, what? You guys all think I'm avoidant? They're like, you just got here? Like, how did you not know? And I'm like, they're like, you commitment phobia, all these things, and I'm like, no, but because of my overcompensation of worrying of being too anxious, I go avoidant, right? But in this relationship with my fiance, I am a lot more anxious than I've ever been. And so that's been really weird for me. I've been working through that in therapy of like, why do I freak out if he doesn't text me? Because in the old days, if the guy didn't text me, I'm like, oh, we're gonna play this game. You took 12 minutes, I'm gonna take 24. Oh, you took three hours, I'ma take six. Bye. Bye. We could play this game, baby. I got I'm busy. And like he goes like 12 minutes, and I'm just like, where, where, where are you? Who is this? Is this love?

Kristin 1:48:15

This is love. You know, there were different definitely moments like within I'll use like my CR example because it was definitely the healthiest relationship I feel like I've ever been in. Progress! Um uh like and yeah, there were moments where I felt that anxious kind of attachment, and then there are moments where I felt myself like pushing away or or leaving or being more avoidant. So I'm like, maybe I'm just like, is that disorganized?

SPEAKER_02 1:48:41

Disorganized, but it's and and a part of it is we are in some innate way mirroring or even repelling their attachment style, right? And so to see this anxious style pop up with with you know Jim, um, he is, I think, more avoidant. Um, and so meet an avoidant meets avoidant, all of a sudden I'm like switching, like dirt, dirk, okay. No, you don't reject me. You don't reject me. I'll find you. And so it's like, I don't know. It's it so that's where I say, even when like I know he's my person, I've prayed on it, you know. I the first day I really, really knew, you know, they say that when you know, you know crap, and it's like that was it with him. Like it was very clear in a cosmic way, and I'm grateful for that. But again, it ain't all like sunshine and rainbows. There's just we constantly need to grow and evolve, and then when you're in a partnership, growing and evolving together, yeah um, and understanding that who we are today are we're not gonna be the same people in 10 years, and so it's our job to make sure that that evolution is in conjunction in tandem.

Kristin 1:50:03

Seriously. Ten years from now.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:07

Well, um, we can totally keep the video. I mean, I look like trash, but you know, now that I'm engaged, I can really let myself go, you know. And then no one brands anymore.

Kristin 1:50:17

I think I changed the settings where um like that it might be just audio. Oh, perfect. That works.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:23

I'm glad we still got to see each other. You are so you are like I until you talk, like you just look so Californian to me. Like you just look like a bubbly beach beach bunny. I know. It's so lovely though. It's so lovely. Like it's it's beautiful. You have a beautiful speaking voice. I love listening to your podcast because of that.

Kristin 1:50:46

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:47

Yeah, thank you.

Kristin 1:50:49

I really I just um submitted or that this woman, I'm gonna send you the images. I'd love to get your um take on them for like I'm shifting, I'm creating new podcast art, and um I have this graphic designer working on a couple, and so I want to see it, but it needs text right now, but like the images she sent me. I'm like, oh, I love this. So I'm like, I want to grow this.

SPEAKER_02 1:51:11

Well, and I had decided for season three of my podcast, which was before the engagement, but Nat just accelerates everything. I was gonna change. So, you know, first season was just about people connecting, season two was more about financial success. Season three is gonna be about love, dating. I love it. And it wasn't because of my engagement, but I'm like, well, people are gonna think that, let them think what they want. It was for other reasons that I I had come to that conclusion before we got engaged.

Kristin 1:51:41

I just oh, I can't wait to listen to that.

SPEAKER_02 1:51:44

Well, and especially now, like, well, I mean, we'll see how he feels about it. Because it's not gonna be just talking about him, it's gonna be talking about I I would love I he's so funny. Like he's he would never he is not a social media, like he's not, but he's so funny, like, and the banter and the way we argue, I I'm like just at least one episode. I feel like we would do a really good podcast. I really I think we could one episode. Um, it's just like figuring out the boundaries and what he's comfortable sharing and all that kind of stuff. So um that'd be word, yeah. So that that's like the because I'm very out there. I'm like, shh, I'll talk about my past and my exes, and like he he he ain't gonna want to talk about any of that. I'm like, so tell me. I'm always asking, I'm like, so tell me. I love all this. Tell me what she did. Give me the dirt details. Was she good as was she as good at that as I am?

Kristin 1:52:43

Oh, I found out a gym, a gym of uh one with uh CR when we're working working on this book, and um it's so good. I'm like, where did this go? He's like, I was like, you didn't tell me that when we were dating. Like, I'm so curious. Let's see, I was trying to find it real quick, but I don't know if it'll be in here or not. Okay, yeah, no, he's like, he said, when I was 32, I dated the hot redhead, mostly for the sex. Once I saw that the crazy didn't include empathy or kindness to strangers, especially those who couldn't bite back like waiters and customer service reps, the cost of hanging out with someone I didn't like quickly outweighed the good sex. But crazy travels easily. I got to keep that relationship for an extra year. Not because I enjoyed the company or went back for the hot crazy sex matrix, um, but because she bought the house next door and it took me a year to sell the house, which I really liked, and moved a couple of towns over.

SPEAKER_02 1:53:36

I was like, I was like, what? That's wild. I almost did that with my with an ex. I I really looked at buying the house across the street from him because it was a good deal. It was a good deal. I couldn't believe it. And I'm like, could I do this? And when I say across the street, I'm talking like he's in his living room, I'm in mine. I we could see each other like like across the street, no privacy. What? But I was like, I'm fine with that. I'll put three ring rings to see who who's going in and out your house. Bring me some sugar, but no, thankfully. No, yeah. Thankfully, all that worked out. But yeah, I mean it women do crazy, we'd be crazy. We'd be crazy.

Kristin 1:54:20

That's a little much. A little crazy. We can find out anything. Give us a name, a cat corner. It was like super sluice FBI style on social media. I know, I know.

SPEAKER_02 1:54:32

That's why I hide in plain sight because the deep dark stuff is hard to find. That's the good thing. You just inundate the internet with so much content. It's like you search Ella Parlor, it's like so much muck, you can't find it. But uh yeah, I share this.

Kristin 1:54:45

That's what I'm not sharing.

SPEAKER_02 1:54:46

Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. So um, well, this was so fun. Thank you for the last thing. Thank you so much. Sweet and amazing. I know it went a little like sideways. I hope your listeners somewhat into it.

Kristin 1:55:03

And I love it.

SPEAKER_02 1:55:04

Yeah, but my point is is like I would love to have you on um once I relaunch. I have to like retell all my guests. Like, I don't care about your business anymore. We're gonna talk about your love life. Um, I love that. Yeah, please.

Kristin 1:55:15

Yeah, yeah. You know, that's why I think it's hilarious because I was like, oh, whenever I like the two categories that I was a bestseller in was like human sexuality and psychology research. I was like, great, my love life. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, it's this is far part of the course. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:55:33

I mean, I think I think it's something we don't talk about in a again from an intentional standpoint, and I'm certainly not an expert by far. Um, but boy, have I done my research. So, you know, just trying to figure out like how to mitigate the heartbreak. I think like if we were honest with ourselves, like this world would be a lot less broken if we broke less hearts. Yeah. If there were less daddies breaking their little girls' hearts, if there were less boys breaking little girls' hearts, if there were less little girls breaking boys' hearts, you know, people having sex with the wrong people, having children that should have never been born. Um, you know, all of these things have huge consequences on our society. And I think we really don't talk about the impact of our sex lives on society, and not from a you should or you shouldn't, but just like, okay, are we making sure nobody gets hurt?

Kristin 1:56:28

Yeah, we have powerful, we have choices in that arena too. We always have choice, which I think is one of our greatest gifts.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:33

Yeah.

Kristin 1:56:34

So how do we make better choices?

SPEAKER_02 1:56:36

Yes. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Kristin 1:56:40

Amen. And I someone was get reading my chart or telling me something the other day, and they're like, Yeah, you signed up to learn a lot of this firsthand. Like, you're not gonna learn from anybody else. Oh, wow. Great, but maybe people can learn through me, like through my mistakes. I've tried a lot, tried a lot on trying.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:57

And that's why I think we do need to share our stories, like in a sisterhood, you know, with each other. Like, and and again, that's why I'm just so hell-bent on being authentic and honest. I never ever want someone to look and just think, oh, well, that was easy. What do you know? You know, it's like, no, I'm gonna remember the broken road that brought me to where I am so that way when someone else feels broken, I could say, I've been there, and here's how we get through it.

Kristin 1:57:23

I love that.

SPEAKER_02 1:57:24

Thank you so much. I adore you. Take care. I hope we can talk soon. Like offline. Absolutely. Duh.