Sex, Drugs, & Soul
Welcome to Sex, Drugs, & Soul, where the sacred gets spicy, the growth gets real, and the self-discovery comes with a side of mischief. I’m Kristin Birdwell, author, host, & playful professional line-blurrer between the profane and the profound.
On this podcast, we break the rules, shed the shame, and get intimate through vulnerable conversations, sensual explorations, aaaand the occasional existential crisis.
I bring raw stories, deep wisdom, and unfiltered conversations with fellow seekers, sensual enthusiasts, experts, and pleasure revolutionaries. We’re talking sexuality, self-expression, psychedelics, spirituality, and all the beautifully messy things that make us human.
If you’re ready to rewrite your story, drop the ‘shoulds,’ and live a life that turns you on… join me for a fun ride of inspiration and reclamation.
IG: @kristinbirdwell_ | kristinbirdwell.com
YT: @SexDrugsSoul
Sex, Drugs, & Soul
How to Navigate Life as a Highly Sensitive Person with Todd Smith
Ever felt like you’re too much? Too emotional, too intense, too sensitive for this world that keeps telling you to “get over it”? What if your sensitivity is actually your superpower?
In this conversation with Todd Smith, we discuss what it’s like to feel everything so deeply and how to transform that sensitivity into strength. We explore routines that keep you grounded, what it truly means to take care of yourself, and how to stop losing yourself in the name of love or approval.
This episode is for the feelers, the deep thinkers, and the ones who are learning that being sensitive doesn’t make you weak.
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
9:00 The Origins of High Sensitivity
10:48 Pillars of Stress Management for HSPs
15:55 Outer Work: Creating Balance in Daily Life
22:05 Inner Work: Emotional Awareness and Acceptance
27:00 Exploring Triggers and Reactions
30:58 Finding Freedom Through Questioning Beliefs
39:57 Exploring Consideration in Relationships
42:13 Self-Reflection and Personal Responsibility
45:13 Understanding People-Pleasing Dynamics
50:18 The Connection Between HSPs and People-Pleasing
52:00 Navigating Intimacy and Connection
Connect with Todd:
https://trueinnerfreedom.com/
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Kristin's Best-Selling Book:
Sex, Drugs, & Soul on Amazon
Spotify Audiobook Link
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Kristin (00:00.59)
All right, I'm coming at you today guys in my kitchen because I really wanted to talk to today's guest Todd Smith And when I asked him what you know title or anything he wanted to go by he's like actually don't he's like I go by Todd and I have absolutely loved that I don't like sometimes putting myself in a certain box Or other people putting me into a certain box, too And I think we're gonna dive in to all things highly sensitive
people today, which I'm super excited about. So welcome. I've definitely thought over the years that sensitivity or I've kind of shifted my belief around it as far as like sensitivity is my superpower. Although there I've definitely done moments in my life where it's felt challenging or overwhelming.
How did you first discover that you were a highly sensitive person or like what that is or how would you even describe what a highly sensitive person is? Any of those directions.
Todd (01:01.629)
Yeah, great questions. And it's great to be here. So thank you, Kristen. Yeah, I only discovered it a few years ago that I was a highly sensitive person. I mean, I've obviously been this way my whole life. But a friend of mine said, you you might be highly sensitive and you might check. There's a test you can take. So I was like, OK, I it. I took it. And oh, yes, that's definitely who I am. So, you know, what is a highly sensitive person? It is a
Kristin (01:05.39)
you
Todd (01:30.277)
It's a particular trait that is, you actually find it in over a hundred different species. About 15 to 20 % of a given population has this trait and it's defined by four main characteristics. The lady who did the research, she says it's D O E S does like, like if you're going to use a word to make it easy. D stands for depth of processing. So.
That's the first characteristic you'll notice is you process things more deeply. You take more time to process things. I've been accused of being slow, but I'm not stupid. Also, we get to the bottom of things, but we take our time and we also take all the different things that come into our mind and we sit with them and look at the connections and try to work it out. And we spend time in that kind of processing.
The next one, the D O, O is for overwhelmed because of the depth of processing, because of the amount of stuff that we're dealing with and taking care of internally, we can get overwhelmed more quickly. And so our window of being like balanced is much smaller than other people's. And so people often accuse us of being too sensitive because we end up reaching our max point earlier than other people. It's like running a bigger program.
on your computer, it's going to max out your computer quicker. We run, yeah. So we run a big program and it's a good thing, has its major advantages, but that's one of the disadvantages. The DOE, E stands for emotional or empathetic. And this is also a big part of this trait. We are very aware of the emotions and feelings of other people.
Kristin (03:00.43)
That sounds like fun.
Todd (03:28.473)
We pick up on subtle changes in tone of voice and facial expressions and body language and just what it means when somebody does this, this or that. And we pay attention and we care about that stuff. So we're really good at being there for people and being just a support for people. We're great listeners. Any of the caring professions are naturally a fit for this type of person.
But we can cross over and get into other people's business also where we can end up kind of not respecting the boundaries a little bit or just getting overwhelmed by too much attention on others. our challenge is to come back to ourselves. So the last one, D-O, say that again? was it? Curiosity, yeah. And the difference is like there's a.
Kristin (04:14.614)
I call that curiosity.
Todd (04:22.503)
There's nothing wrong with curiosity and we can't turn it off. Like we see what's going on around us. The difference is like there it's like noticing where people do have boundaries or noticing what's their responsibility and what's my responsibility. And as long as you keep that sorted, then this is an amazing gift to all around. and it's, and it's wonderful, but if we don't keep that sorted, then we start taking on someone else's responsibility.
Kristin (04:25.656)
Bye.
Kristin (04:38.146)
Mm-hmm.
Todd (04:51.549)
it becomes stressful. So the last piece of it is the S in DOES is sensitivity, sensory sensitivity, and that means we are affected by bright lights, loud noises, any kinds of smells, things like that. We just take in a lot more data, which also contributes to overwhelm. And it's so, yeah, this is, I like to say if you ask a
Kristin (04:53.496)
Mm-hmm.
Todd (05:21.885)
someone who's not highly sensitive to count to 1 to 10, they'll just do 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. But if you ask someone who is highly sensitive, it'll be like 1.1, 1.2, 1.3. There's a lot of details that we pick up on.
Kristin (05:36.386)
Yeah, no, I kind of got a little teary-eyed because a lot of this is like, feel so seen. And then it tracks. like, that's why I didn't want to go to ACL this weekend. It's so too, you know, sensory overload.
Todd (05:42.045)
You're not alone.
Todd (05:48.827)
Yes.
Kristin (05:55.606)
shared experience.
Kristin (06:00.312)
on overwhelm or being, you know, like to go on in. I'm curious, do you know if like this is something like formed in the womb? Is it like as we're developing as a kiddo, like is it our, you know, neuro, you know, typical or non-typical or like, what is that kind of, I'm wondering if there's a correlation there or if you can shed some light on that.
Todd (06:24.303)
Yeah, I'm not super expert in that, but my understanding is that we're born with it. It's like, it's an evolutionary trait that is, I would assume is like based in our DNA or something like that. But like when I look back to when I was young, I was this way back then and nothing's changed. It's just now I have a name for it or understand it a little better, but I think it's just the way we're wired really.
Kristin (06:30.702)
Yeah.
Todd (06:54.173)
One of the ways to talk about it is we're wired for depth, not so much for speed.
Kristin (06:59.566)
I definitely value depth for sure. And sometimes, yeah, I don't really like conversations about the weather or like that sort of thing. Yeah, it's really interesting. So when did you discover or like, was it like a coming home sense, I guess? Like once you...
discovered this like term or group of people or community or like just way it's like like shoot I can move a little easier in the world or maybe if I'm given these certain tools I can
Todd (07:36.382)
Yeah, it's very affirming just to see like, like you said, feeling seen like, oh my gosh, there's nothing wrong with me because, because we're a kind of an unseen minority, like an invisible minority, you could say it's very easy to internalize the judgments of everybody. Like, oh, you're too sensitive. You, you know, you need to toughen up. You're, you're just making, you're thinking, you're overthinking this. Well, overthinking.
what other people will call overthinking is normal for us. Like this is just the way we think. So, you know, like it's very easy to start judging yourself and we all internalize that. finding that it's very, it does feel like coming home and it's something that can be really nice to just experience. call it, I say there's three pillars of stress.
Kristin (08:10.83)
Thank
Todd (08:34.129)
for stress management with highly sensitive people. And one of those pillars is just understanding the trait because then it becomes normal for you. Then it becomes, you have compassion for yourself and you stop judging yourself as much.
Kristin (08:48.014)
Yeah, I definitely want to dive more into those pillars or like distress management. I the girlfriend of mine was just staying the night just a couple of days ago and she was saying, you know, I can go to sleep usually easily unless I overthink or something like that. Yeah. So she's like, if I don't start doing that, it's like, yeah, same. Sometimes I find myself taking a Benadryl so that I'll get a little more drowsy because I'm like.
Okay, just thinking about things or connecting the dots. So I'd love to expand on your pillars. You mentioned the first one, just understanding like the term. Let's go, let's peel it back.
Todd (09:26.577)
Yeah, absolutely. So the next pillar is, I can just give them both together. There's one is outer work and one is inner work. And they're both important for different reasons and in different ways. Outer work is like setting up a routine that works for you, getting enough sleep on your schedule, like not just waiting for that to happen by chance or going by what other people like in your family.
are used to or what works for them, that may not work for you. Like HSPs, they're called HSP, highly sensitive person, is one of the ways we talk about it. They typically need eight to 10 hours of sleep a night. It's like, yeah, right? That's me.
Kristin (10:09.87)
Can I get an amen? I'm like, no, for sure. Like if I feel like can't function if I don't get mine. Like I mean, I just made a protein shake and did some extra creatine because I heard I was like, okay, if you get less sleep, creatine may be able to help like with that brain functionality. So, okay, interesting. Eight to 10 hours of sleep. Beautiful.
Todd (10:32.123)
Yeah, I mean, you can get away with it here and there, but like ultimately to be at your best, you have to take care of the system. The analogy I like to use is if you think of a Stradivarius violin, which is like the best violin in the world, like it can produce an incredible music, but you have to baby it. don't, when they sell one of them, they hand deliver it on the airplane that the violin gets a seat for itself. You know, like it's not.
They're not shipping that because any kind of damage to it could make a huge effect on the way that instrument performs. So we, as highly sensitive people, all human beings, but especially as highly sensitive people, we're a sensitive instrument. And so we have to baby it a little bit. We have to take care of ourselves so that we can perform what we're given to perform, what we're capable of doing. So yeah, sleep, routine.
taking care of getting good food, balance. We tend to like to do things well. And sometimes we can get driven or caught in a loop of trying to get to the finish line. so we can be our own worst enemies in that regard. And so we have to just really learn how to pace ourselves. Time management is super important for us. I just recently.
realized this cool new way of ending my day, my work day is I just, I used to like shut down my computer and like close out and make sure this project's done and everything. Everything's ready for tomorrow. Like I've actually just come to the point of just hitting the pause button and then the next day pick it up. And it's like actually been way better for me because it can be infinite how, how, like how many things you need to finish before.
closing down in a day. So this kind of thing.
Kristin (12:28.942)
Did that take, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but I'm curious, did that take a level of experimentation or to figure out, what's gonna be fit for me or more nurturing and that sort of thing?
Todd (12:42.212)
Absolutely. It's constant experimentation in a way. Like you try this and then you like see how that goes and then you try that. And each of us is individual. You know, there's no perfect way for everybody. I love that. There are certain guidelines that you can kind of work within and so we can learn from each other as well. But yes, experimentation is key.
Kristin (12:53.249)
Yeah.
Kristin (13:06.158)
Because as you're thinking, even thought it was like, even as a woman, like in different times in my cycle, like my need or longing for rest is going to feel different than, you know, in certain other ones or how I would nurture baby myself or like even like workouts that I want to do. Like yoga feels better. Another times I'm like, I want to get after it and like really do some strength training or not so much running anymore, but like maybe boxing or hitting something.
Todd (13:21.597)
Yes.
Todd (13:31.518)
Exactly. know, in some cultures, traditionally, during menstruation, women took like real rest time, you know, like they just really didn't even come out of the house or just really were taking care of themselves. having that awareness that the body changes the and, and men as well, like there's times when I'm
I want to work out hard and there's times when I want to just do some yoga or some gentle stretches or just not work out. And honoring that, listening to yourself is super key. So, you know, there are many things in terms of creating balance through outer work. Outer work is about balance. We're trying to find the sweet spot where it works. It's not too much, it's not too little, but it's just like, it's nurturing enough for me to stay balanced.
Inner work is a whole other area, which is amazing. And that is where you begin to loosen your attachments and maybe what your ego wants and what you're getting caught up in because that's what you believe and that's what you think you have to have. And so as you, and the thing here is stress will show you when you're caught on some kind of belief.
Kristin (14:53.678)
Mmm.
Todd (14:55.122)
Stress is your alarm clock saying, hey, hey, you need to check something out and see if there's something you're super attached to here or just believing that isn't even necessarily true. And then question the thought that is running at that time. And what happens is you can loosen that attachment. You may find that you're just much easier feeling as a result of that. And so.
One of the ways that I love to do inner work, this is kind of my background in training is something called the work of Byron Katie, which is simple four questions you can ask yourself anytime you get stressed and just be like, okay, is that really true that, you know, he doesn't like me or whatever. then, and then just like, what are you like going through these questions? Like, how do you react when you're believing that? And who would you be if you weren't believing that? And.
Kristin (15:38.982)
Thank
Todd (15:50.354)
giving yourself some space there and then playing with opposites and seeing like, okay, well, it could be that I'm not liking myself here or I'm not liking him or maybe he is liking me and finding examples of how that could be true. So this like loosens the stress. And the way I like to do that is I always say there's like a wise part of me and there's a stuck part of me and the...
Kristin (16:15.01)
Mmm.
Todd (16:16.668)
The wise part of me doesn't need that kind of work. It already read all the books, knows all the perspective. But the stuck part of me, it's more emotional. And that part needs to be held, needs to be met with understanding. And it needs to be given questions like this for it to loosen its own stress. In other words, we're not pushing from above onto our emotions. Like you need to change, smarten up, nothing like that. It's more like, where are you at?
and what's going on. want to hear first of all, and then second of all, I want you to play around and see if there's anything more that you might see that maybe we're missing. So it's very respectful of the inner part of us.
Kristin (16:58.978)
Thank you.
And you, like, when you're chatting with like the emotional part of it, because like what came up for me is like, I don't know, is it called parts work or? I don't know. I'm not entirely, parts are in, where you're like, okay, is this like, know, 13 year old me? Is this, you know, like triggering that? Or is it like just something that's alive and present in the moment? That sort of thing or?
Todd (17:27.326)
Yeah, it's like, it almost doesn't matter, but you will notice that, that does seem very familiar. That is kind of like 13 year old me or that is, but you don't have to name it. It's just, there's a part of me that is angry or there's a part of me that is sad or there's a part of me that is just wanting something and it's just like desperate. Like, so I wanna have that part come out of me.
Kristin (17:40.127)
Okay.
Todd (17:55.708)
and have a safe space to feel like in an uncensored way, it can share what it actually thinks. Cause we're usually trying to push that stuff down. We're trying to say, no, you don't really feel that way. You don't really care. I'm cool and collected and all this, but inside there's a part saying, I want it, you know, I need it. So I want that part to come out and I give the mic to that part so that it can actually have a chance, first of all, just to be heard. And then second of all,
Kristin (18:01.474)
Mm.
Todd (18:25.502)
We're like, okay, I hear you. Now, how's that working for you? know, like, is there any other perspective that might open if you explore? So that's it.
Kristin (18:36.95)
So it's like a sounds to me like a little bit of like an acceptance and then maybe shifting to something that's more supportive potentially. Okay.
Todd (18:45.308)
Yes. That's why I say respectful because we kind of know intellectually where we probably should go or where the balance point might be. And so we may start with a motive to try to like shift ourselves or change ourselves, but that's not really the process. The process is I want to see where you're at. And if that's stuck, I want to really be with your stuckness. And I really want to want to allow space for that. And then if and when you're ready,
Kristin (19:03.465)
Yeah
Todd (19:15.014)
let's step into questioning it. And then if you find something wonderful and if you don't, I also respect that. So there's no push in it at all. And that gives a really safe space for emotion, you know, an emotional work. And what I find is like the cooperation of my inner part is like really high. And then it ends up discovering amazing, you know, amazing.
Kristin (19:25.667)
Bye
Todd (19:42.982)
discoveries that actually end up lining up with the book learning and everything anyway, but it discovered it on its own and that changes the experience and that changes the actual life. so after doing any kind of work like this, I noticed huge shifts in me and my clients where that's just not an issue anymore. And I can't go back to making it an issue because this part saw it instead of, know, yeah, you should, should, kind of.
Kristin (19:47.726)
Mm-hmm.
Kristin (19:51.374)
Mmm.
Kristin (20:05.846)
Hmm.
Kristin (20:12.142)
I hate that word. I was about to say should is like a, I wanted it to be the biggest cuss word. Yes. I try to reframe some of the language with should sometimes. It's like, really? Yeah.
Todd (20:12.775)
approach.
Todd (20:17.294)
It is. Yeah, and we do it to ourselves, the worst, you know.
Todd (20:28.43)
I mean, literally you can take a I should statement like I should whatever, you know, work out more or whatever you think you want to and like question it with this kind of process and find and turn it around to I shouldn't and find the balance there. And always with this, it's about balance. So it's not that I necessarily should and it's not that I necessarily shouldn't, but that somewhere in the middle, there's a bigger truth where like
Kristin (20:32.3)
Thank
Kristin (20:39.362)
is that.
you
Todd (20:54.958)
Yeah, I should when I do and I shouldn't when I don't and it's a looser hold.
Kristin (21:00.334)
And where is it coming from for me? It's like, is it something that I'm feeling that I'm placing on myself? Like the pressure or externally coming? I like I've got to fill up a guy. got to keep up with something in the world or earn something or who knows? Yeah.
Todd (21:19.622)
Exactly. We inherit a lot of our beliefs just from everybody else, our parents, our family, our world. And if we're questioning some of those beliefs, when they become stressful, we start to find freedom. And that's what I'm all about, inner freedom, like where you can have craziness around you, or can have limiting beliefs all around you, but you're just not buying into it as much.
Kristin (21:35.854)
Mm.
Kristin (21:44.608)
It's kind like you're in on a cool little joke or secret. Yeah, for me anyway. Do you have any specific examples of emotions or things, either you or with a client that you walk through or just to kind of pinpoint it a little further or we could even do one in live, in action right now. Sure, yeah.
Todd (21:47.952)
Yes.
Todd (22:03.506)
That's a great question.
Todd (22:08.68)
Sure. Yeah. You want to do a little? Let's do it. Why not? Absolutely. So this works really well with specific situations. I always like to, without trying to kind of fix myself or figure out what I need to work on, just like trust where you got triggered. Like it might be a little tiny thing that just happened this morning or yesterday or last week.
Kristin (22:18.199)
Okay.
Todd (22:34.94)
or it can be bigger stuff, we can go into trauma work and all that too. like, basically, if you got triggered by something, whether it's anger, sadness, fear, whatever, then that's a moment we can use to kind of look at what you were believing there and then see if there's another perspective on it.
Kristin (22:55.852)
Yeah, maybe when there's mismatched communication styles. You know, and because then I, I feel like I look for patterns to or something or I long for a certain text from someone. And then if I but I don't get it. So then maybe it ruffles my feathers or something a little more. I feel like I
Todd (23:00.395)
huh, okay.
Kristin (23:19.256)
So don't know if that's a good enough one. Or mean, like sometimes my dog is a little shithead and I'll do something that irritates me. Even though he's my cute little shithead and I love him.
Todd (23:24.946)
Yeah. Yeah.
Todd (23:30.046)
Right, but it got me, you know, and that's what I trust. Like there's that little sensor inside of me that's like, boom, got something got me. So there must be something going on. So I would suggest like look for a time. It's either when your dog got you or some mixed matched communication.
Kristin (23:38.456)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm trying to...
Kristin (23:56.654)
also like, which one do I want to be public? I'm like, do I go general? Like, I'm like, hmm. I'm like, how do I? Okay. But I did like express, I was proud of myself for expressing this, but there was something that it's like where it was a last minute plan shift or change. And.
Todd (23:59.216)
Yeah, exactly. No, we're on a podcast here,
Todd (24:21.662)
Mm-hmm.
Kristin (24:24.684)
I just would have liked a conversation beforehand or before making the decision. Cause I was like, had this vision of like a date that was going to unfold. and it was a little, it was just a little more intimate and, or just like the two of us basically. And what unfolded was beautiful, but it was just like the, that, that I was like, well, damn, I kind of wish like you would have told me beforehand before it was like.
This is going to be the thing without too much context because I don't know. I'm like, I don't know if he's going to listen. I don't know if he wants to air that out there or not. Yeah.
Todd (24:55.548)
Yes.
Todd (25:00.028)
haha
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, we can do it generally enough. We don't have to disclose exactly who it is, but it's a relatable kind of situation. So what were the stressful thoughts running in your mind in that moment?
Kristin (25:05.888)
Okay,
Kristin (25:17.846)
I guess a question that comes up is does he not want to spend time with only me or the prioritization of like the intimacy or connection because I guess to now death. I'm like I want I like to go deep. And so I kind of the story was like I don't think that we're going to have that ability or capability or opportunity with other people there. Yeah.
Todd (25:40.67)
Yeah, perfect. Yeah, so that's a great one that we can look at. And usually, like you framed it as a question, does he not want to spend time with only me? But I would just reframe it as a statement. It's like, he doesn't want to spend time with only me. Like that's the fear or the stressful thought underneath that question.
Kristin (25:51.969)
Okay.
Kristin (25:55.404)
Okay.
Kristin (26:00.59)
Or like, am I not good enough to just hang out by myself?
Todd (26:05.368)
Right, right, exactly. So these are different. We can brainstorm like in the beginning of just like, okay, what is the thing that feels closest to the stress itself? Is it that he doesn't want to spend time with me or that I'm not good enough or for him to spend time with me or is it the same thing or?
Kristin (26:24.75)
I like how I want someone, like I want someone to like make that plan and, and you know, like the masculine make the plan and just go on this fun date and like have that connection too. So I'm like, I feel like it's a little bit of a whirlwind of things.
Todd (26:35.602)
Yes.
Kristin (26:49.078)
Maybe that I wasn't considered before making the decision.
Todd (26:51.378)
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Perfect. So you can see there's often a lot of thoughts that are connected to the stressful experience. And part of the, the, it's really like a meditation really what it is, is sitting with what are those thoughts and giving yourself time to come out with whatever they are. So, but I love this one. He didn't consider, yeah.
Kristin (26:57.403)
Yeah.
Todd (27:19.976)
and didn't get it all down. I'm writing it down. So he didn't consider.
Kristin (27:21.978)
you're good. I've been making little notes on the side too in case my little eyeballs don't talk. Cause I'm like, okay. something falls out.
Todd (27:27.9)
Yeah, so I think it was something like you didn't consider my point of view. that more or less what it was?
Kristin (27:32.748)
Yeah, or consider like, before making the decision, like, you know, maybe call me up before it was done.
Todd (27:37.318)
Yeah, he didn't consider him.
Exactly. Yeah. Perfect. Okay, so let's go through now. This is where I'm saying like, let's look at this part of you that is stuck on this, right? We said you got triggered. It was a small trigger, but still it's like you feel the emotion. he didn't consider me before making the decision. And so stay with that part there. Yeah, you feel it. It's real.
Okay, so this is the part that I'm inviting to do this work. And so I'm going to ask you some questions and then just listen to what your actual experience is and report from there. The first question is a yes or no question, so it might take a second to figure out what the answer is for you. So is it true that he didn't consider you before making the decision?
Kristin (28:11.8)
you
Yes.
Thanks.
Kristin (28:24.43)
Mm-hmm.
Kristin (28:39.478)
I don't know that 100%.
Todd (28:42.522)
Isn't that interesting? Right? We just go with it. It's true. I'm sure it's true. And I'm suffering over here because of it.
Kristin (28:49.326)
Cause now I'm like, I can picture him pondering over there and trying to make the best path forward.
Todd (28:53.756)
Right? Right.
Exactly. Okay. So just that one question already starts to open it a little bit, just that possibility. If you'd answered no, which is also fine. Sorry, if you'd answered yes, which is also fine, then there's another question. Can you absolutely know it's true? Which, you know, you're already kind of answered all in one. So the next question is how do you react? What happens when this part of you or you believe or feel that he didn't consider you?
Kristin (29:14.223)
Okay.
Todd (29:26.354)
before making the decision. What happens?
Kristin (29:29.918)
What happened in the moment or after? In the moment, I was a little bummed. was like, But I still was like, okay, I'm going to still come. I'm still going to, yeah, I still want to hang out with you. But then once I got there, which I don't know if I would have done this like old Kristen or past Kristen, different versions of Kristen.
Todd (29:33.438)
Start with the moment and then after, both.
Todd (29:45.895)
Yep.
Kristin (29:58.04)
But I expressed him, like my desire was like, you know, when the plan shifted, like I was really looking forward to like us getting to that extended time together. And I'm totally cool with this. However, I had a vision or like, and he had an opportunity to explain and I was like, okay. So I did get to see where, yeah.
Todd (30:18.238)
Yeah, and that's cool. Like that shows your maturity that like there's a there's a willingness and an ability to actually communicate it directly with them, which is awesome. So we're just like tidying up any little bits of the emotional part there that like any other reactions that showed up out of, he didn't consider me.
Kristin (30:21.662)
Yeah.
Kristin (30:30.914)
Okay.
Kristin (30:40.012)
well, whenever, just like sitting here, I was like, of course that reminds me of my fucking dad. I was like, why do I feel like that little girl that they just told me about their divorce again? Yeah.
Todd (30:47.848)
Mm-hmm. Yes.
Yep. You know, you think we're just...
Todd (30:59.13)
Uh-huh, exactly. Okay, so see how it starts with just a small little thing, like someone didn't keep the plan, but on an emotional level, deeper in, there's some reaction happening that's connecting it to that experience of your parents getting divorced, your dad, that kind of thing. So it brings a lot of gravity to that same experience on an emotional level. So reactions can include things like
Kristin (31:16.942)
So.
Todd (31:27.518)
past images or future images. They can be like how you treat the other person or how you treat yourself. So any of those things show up for you when you think he didn't consider you.
Kristin (31:40.974)
I maybe started pulling just maybe a little, I'm like, okay, maybe I'll be a little more, I'm putting my hands up a a little distant, or maybe, you know, we're gonna proceed a little more consciously. Like that kind of thing.
Todd (31:49.597)
That's it.
That's right. That's right. That's instant reaction. Like we can't even, I say reaction because we can't even control it. It's like when you hit that part of your knee and just pop, so, you know, it kicks. So like when, when you're thinking he doesn't, he didn't consider me before making the decision instantly, there's this little like separating like emotional distancing that happens. So this is reaction.
And they can go on and on. Like every situation is different and sometimes there'll be like passive aggressive things that'll happen. Sometimes it'll be, you know, ranting and raving. Sometimes it'll just be like, like, I should ask, where do you feel it in your body or in your emotions?
Kristin (32:37.058)
like now? Okay, yeah, okay, yeah, okay. I mean, I was just feeling like whenever I thought about my dad and stuff, was just like, and like the still in a way.
Todd (32:37.79)
Yeah, I can ask you right now. Yeah. All right. Confusing.
Todd (32:53.554)
Yes.
Kristin (32:59.672)
I don't know if it's as present for me as it was because we kind of like sifted through some of it. But I mean, I just initially want to say heart or just like up here on my whatever this is, shoulder neck area. Yeah.
Todd (33:13.866)
Yeah. So it can show up in different places as well. So all of these are reactions. That's what I mean by how do you react when you believe that thought? And what this gives the emotional part of me that's suffering here is it gives it some feedback and that's at sea. Like, oh, when you're believing that thought, these are all the repercussions. This is what happens. And you can't help it. It's not blaming you or anything. It's just, this is what comes out. And then.
Kristin (33:16.705)
Yeah.
Kristin (33:21.325)
Yeah.
Kristin (33:37.678)
Okay.
Todd (33:41.81)
The next question is, who would you be in the same situation when this person changes the plan, but if you're not holding onto this idea that he didn't consider you before making the decision? Even though it may be true, but if you're not as gripped onto that, who would you be?
Kristin (34:01.778)
I probably be a little more laid back. Less than my head, you know.
Todd (34:06.865)
Exactly. Yeah, exactly. So describe what that's like. So kind of play it through, like as if you're playing pretend, like what would it be like to, from the moment you hear it to actually meeting him, like what would it feel like, what would it look like?
Kristin (34:20.97)
Okay. Mm hmm. I'd say, yeah, just more openness to, because I also think about what transpires. And if I had held onto that, like grippingly, I wouldn't have had other beautiful connections happen that day or conversations. And so,
Todd (34:43.452)
Yeah. Yeah.
Kristin (34:47.15)
that was like, good job. But there was a, you know, it's like both kind of transpired.
Todd (34:49.214)
Yeah.
Todd (34:55.24)
So the difference that you described so beautifully is with the thought, it's like this distance or kind of closing, whereas without the thought, there's this opening. And that's your internal state. It has nothing to do with the environment or the situation. It's just how you're seeing it. And when this thought comes in, then it closes your mind. It makes you want to retreat and retract. Whereas when you're not thinking that thought or not focused on it,
There's this openness and curiosity and interest. So, you know, I grew up in the, I was in high school in the eighties and they used to have this like ad was like, this is your, this is your brain, you know, there's like an egg and then this is your brain on drugs and it like fried. And so like, this is your brain. This is new under the influence of a thought, like you didn't consider me and it affects you. It's like a drug. actually affects you. So this,
Kristin (35:51.49)
Mm.
Todd (35:53.446)
little compare contrast helps the emotional part get it that, okay, when I'm believing that thought, it's kind of sucks and painful and stuck and strapped. If I'm not, and I'm not saying I should, but if I'm not believing it, then I'm more open and I would be more engaged in the situation, more easygoing. So then the last part is, okay, so.
Kristin (36:03.724)
Okay.
Kristin (36:15.465)
Mm-hmm. That's beautiful.
Todd (36:21.5)
Considering that this thought has such an effect on me, then could, is it possible that some of the opposites of this thought could be as true or truer than the original? the original, yeah, okay, you're already going there, right? So that's what happens when the mind starts opening is that it starts going there automatically. So I like to do this kind of formally. So he didn't consider me before making the decision in the original statement. There'll be several different opposites.
Kristin (36:34.006)
Yeah, I'll need an ample. Yeah. Okay.
Kristin (36:47.022)
Mmm.
Todd (36:51.96)
One, what off the top of your head can you imagine what would one technical opposite be to, yeah, you did consider me. Okay, so now look for examples of how that could be as true or truer and maybe you even have some concrete ones because you did talk to him, but play with it. Like what's possible that maybe he did consider you before making the decision.
Kristin (36:57.976)
You did consider me.
Kristin (37:10.894)
Hmm.
Kristin (37:18.978)
me to know of one. Yeah, I thought that, you you, your vibe and their vibe was going to really bad. It was true, really connected with particularly one of the women there. and so I was like, okay.
Todd (37:29.126)
Yes.
Todd (37:38.982)
Okay, so that's what could have been and actually was in this case, going through his mind. and why, why that, you know, it's a different way of looking at this, what actually happened. So we're kind of playing devil's advocate with ourselves and we're going like, part of me is believing he didn't consider me before making the decision. So is there any more evidence on that other side that he did consider? And we have to just go with possibility. Like what could he have been thinking? what.
Kristin (37:42.958)
Yeah.
Kristin (37:49.336)
Mm-hmm.
Kristin (38:05.998)
Thank you.
Todd (38:08.626)
Like play that out. What could have happened?
Kristin (38:20.258)
Maybe best of both worlds. Like, you know, individual and group.
Todd (38:23.164)
Yeah? Yeah.
Todd (38:27.751)
Yeah.
Kristin (38:30.83)
And then also because I know we made both of those happen. I think there was some consideration.
Todd (38:39.016)
Yeah, exactly. So we're starting to get closer to his actual mind here instead of the mind that we're imagining or projecting based on past fears and past experiences. It's like we peel back the veil a little bit and start to actually see the other person better than we were able to before. So that's what this work invites. We can't force it, but it's like you just keep going. Okay, what else could he?
Kristin (38:51.157)
Okay.
Kristin (39:01.208)
Bye.
Todd (39:08.86)
have been considering what else could he have been thinking? And it starts opening your mind and freeing your heart.
Kristin (39:10.37)
Go.
Kristin (39:15.214)
makes me like him a little more. Yeah. Yeah.
Todd (39:17.722)
Yes, right? That's what happens. You start liking everybody more, the more you do this kind of work, including yourself. So let's go for another turnaround. So instead of he didn't consider me before making the decision, this time we'll put yourself on all of it. Instead of he didn't consider me, what is instead of he, what is I? Right. So I didn't consider me before.
Kristin (39:32.462)
Mm-hmm.
Kristin (39:44.43)
I didn't consider me.
Todd (39:45.542)
making the decision. So you have to kind of play with this because it may not make perfect sense, but is there any way that you were maybe not considering you in all of this?
Kristin (39:54.796)
I mean, I could have changed my mind if I really didn't like it. Right? Yeah. Yeah.
Todd (40:00.646)
right? Yeah. You're still free. Yeah, you could have. That's awesome. Right. Like, so I didn't consider me like, I get carried
Kristin (40:12.364)
And there's been tons of times in my life where I haven't, know, or which I, or like definitely haven't like the recovery people pleaser thing. So yeah, guess.
Todd (40:15.602)
Well, yeah.
Todd (40:22.684)
Well, welcome to the club, you know, that's... And as highly sensitive people, we tend, when we get imbalanced, we tend to get into the people pleasing side. It's not that that's not our nature, but when we get stressed, we tend to go in that direction because we're good at it. And so we play to our strengths and it's kind of a coping mechanism in a way. But yeah, I didn't consider me like we get so carried away with...
Kristin (40:33.24)
Mmm. Mmm.
Kristin (40:45.538)
Mm-hmm.
Todd (40:52.188)
like making sure the other person's happy or making sure that they're not upset with us or something like that, that we end up forgetting, like, does this work for me? Let me just pause for a moment and ask myself, am I still interested even though he just changed the plan without asking me, right?
Kristin (41:01.449)
Thank
Kristin (41:09.302)
Yeah, I could have had the conversation before.
Todd (41:14.02)
my gosh, yeah, exactly. So I didn't consider me before making the decision. Like the decision here is that he screwed up or he like, you know, that this is not working for me. Like it could be, I call him up, right? Or just have a conversation and say, hey, I just wanted to check in. This was the original plan. And even if he doesn't do it, I still can, right? I can initiate that. Yeah.
Kristin (41:38.51)
Yeah.
Todd (41:43.966)
Okay, so this one, you know, it can show up in a lot of ways, but this is an important one. I don't consider me and it's something to sit with of how can I consider myself more in this kind of situation or other situations. And I think it's one of the things that I often point to with myself and clients is to listen to myself more, to ask questions of myself directly and listen for the answers that come up from inside instead of
Kristin (41:55.683)
Yeah.
Todd (42:13.458)
just going with what I think I should or going with the flow like that. As highly sensitive people, we tend to have really good intuition and we have really good ability to listen. So we don't have to point it towards ourselves. Okay, so then one last turn around, would be instead of he didn't consider me, we'll switch the roles. Instead of he didn't consider me, I didn't consider him.
Kristin (42:29.032)
you
Kristin (42:34.007)
Yeah.
Kristin (42:41.678)
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Todd (42:43.496)
So how could this, does this make a sense in any way that you maybe didn't consider him in some small way?
Kristin (42:49.687)
Hmm.
Kristin (42:53.42)
Maybe not the entirety of his thought process before. Yeah. Or even like his full desires of the day. Yeah.
Todd (42:58.685)
Yeah.
Todd (43:06.821)
I love that. love that. So again, it just opens things a little bit because there's more to consider here than just what I was thinking about. It's like, he may have something surprising that would really work for me too. Or even if it doesn't, I can find some understanding for where he may be coming from. And it's an opener for conversation. It becomes like a point of connection rather than where the mind originally goes, which is
judgment or contraction. So this is, know, I love that you just did this live and and
Kristin (43:36.888)
Yeah.
Kristin (43:43.854)
I'm like the willing guinea pig. And I feel like going through the motions of it gives it a great example too. And it's like, okay, I to those down. It was great.
Todd (43:53.81)
Yeah, I love it. It's very simple. It's very respectful and it's very connected to our own experience. And so it doesn't feel like intellectual. You can go intellectual on it, but that's not really the intention of this. It's depth work. It's inner work. And when you do it, what happens is your perspective changes and you can use this in many different situations. And it's something I love to do.
Kristin (44:07.883)
And
Kristin (44:12.11)
Mm-hmm.
Kristin (44:20.75)
beautiful. I don't think it's relatable to so many people that may listen in to be like, Oh, how many times that you jerkingly guess that or that sort of thing too. And I do want to tie in. I'm just checking up a little time there. Because of the what is it the nature of being there, the link to people pleasing or that sort of thing. I'd love to kind of like
Todd (44:28.509)
Great.
Kristin (44:49.386)
segue a little bit into that too. I mean, why there's such a connection is because we're so observant and tuned in. can have those little spidey senses to people's feelings or guesses, that sort of thing. Or coming from a desire to be loved and accepted. I'll just let you kind of like chat a little bit maybe on the connection between HSPs and people pleasing and then like how to...
Todd (44:53.63)
Absolutely.
Kristin (45:18.22)
Maybe not.
Todd (45:19.61)
Exactly. Yeah. You know, there's like two, there's two sides. There's the, the HSP trait, and then there's the, the stress response. I kind of mentioned this already, like, so the stress is something I want to reduce and work and question my thoughts about and change about myself and all of that. The HSP part, I don't want to change that. That's who I am. That's my nature. So recognizing the difference between what's my actual nature and then what's my imbalance. And then
Kristin (45:29.07)
Hmm.
Kristin (45:41.645)
Yeah.
Kristin (45:46.466)
You
Todd (45:49.434)
finding the balance there. That's a really important thing. But you'll recognize imbalance by stress. Stress is the alarm clock. It tells you, okay, I'm believing something that is hurting me, that is stressful, it's causing me pain. And so you don't have to analyze it deeply. You just have to know, okay, that got me. So something's going on. And then I'll do my inner work. So people pleasing is basically putting
Kristin (45:57.929)
and
Todd (46:18.173)
other people's other people ahead of myself. It's not that like, we all like to please people. That's not that's not people pleasing is in a weird kind of way is that we do see what is other people's needs and what would make them happy. And we naturally feel generous and want to be kind to others and include them and do all the nice things that that look
Kristin (46:29.614)
Thank you.
Kristin (46:46.158)
Mm.
Todd (46:48.136)
Some people might say, that looks like people pleasing, but the difference is where's it coming from inside? If it's coming from a sense of desperation that I need their approval or worse yet, that I'm afraid of their disapproval, which is what I noticed the most with myself is like, I have to do it perfectly because I don't want them to not like me. And so I get caught in having to do it.
instead of just naturally wanting to do it. So the skill is the same, the HSP skill, or even you don't have to be HSP to be aware of other people, but we are hyper aware of others, that skill is the same and we tend to care and we are kind and generous and inclusive and all of those things. But when a...
Kristin (47:19.16)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Todd (47:42.8)
stressful thought comes in like we were just looking here like I want their approval or I need them to like me or Something like that suddenly now there's a desperation that enters the picture and I start acting like like like a people pleaser where I'm actually Doing something not because I want to give but because I'm trying to get something or because I'm not You know, I'm just not I'm not full. I'm empty and I'm needing them to fill me
and that's a desperate place to enter any kind of relationship. So whenever you notice that, you'll feel it, check out what you're thinking, and then go through a process like we just did right there.
Kristin (48:16.142)
Thank you.
Kristin (48:24.174)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's I felt like the intentionality and or just asking so where's it coming from? I like the friend of mine have friend and mentor actually had this question in one of our like little mastermind sessions and or just like like why are you moving from love or for it and and to me that's a clear distinction of like kind of like that like kind of graspy or like trying to get something versus like overflow or wanting to pour into someone
Todd (48:54.238)
Exactly. Yes. You know, like my mentor used to say like love, like, like love, and I may not remember the exact words now, but love is not the same as wanting something, you know, or wanting someone like I want like there's a, if there's a neediness in that as opposed to just I love, it's just an experience. It's just like, it's an overflowing cup and
Kristin (49:09.71)
Mm.
Kristin (49:18.574)
Todd (49:21.874)
Yes, I get things in return and it is mutual, that's just a stronger place to be coming from.
Kristin (49:31.926)
Mm-hmm. then anything else that you want to add to like the people pleasing dynamic or HSPs or being nice or boundaries or any of the things that come into play there. I know I have until a little bit of after one my time. I think that's 11, 15 year time.
Todd (49:49.896)
Yeah, I've got plenty of time, yeah. basically, you know, this affects intimacy and affects connection. And a lot of the reasons why people have trouble, you know, in their relationship or with a partner is because of little miscommunications or little beliefs that are interfering with how you're seeing the other person.
Kristin (49:59.159)
Hmm.
Todd (50:18.149)
And so if you make a habit of cleaning these, these little thoughts up and really giving yourself space to explore honestly, then what happens is you stop seeing your partner as an enemy. start seeing them as the friend that they are. And then you actually have closer connection and more fulfilling experience together. And so it, benefits all levels of life.
Kristin (50:46.082)
Hmm, I love that. I'm just thinking, you get a little visualization going on and I'm like, I'll keep that one to myself. Yeah, because to me, when something you spoke of earlier, it's like the contraction and the closing versus like the openness and the connecting.
Todd (50:55.614)
I love it.
Kristin (51:13.858)
gateway to intimacy and the willingness to be curious and compassionate with oneself and like their partner.
Todd (51:22.91)
Yeah, you can't be open and closed at the same time. That's it. It's kind of a really hard, you know, so I mean, I've witnessed it with clients where they're like, like, I'm just unable. I'm not even attracted to my wife anymore, you know, and it's like, well, what's going on? Where do you and then oh my gosh, this is what I'm thinking and believing. Of course, like the
Kristin (51:26.51)
yeah.
Kristin (51:32.718)
I'm
Todd (51:51.154)
The beauty of the other person gets completely eclipsed by the thoughts that you're believing about them.
Kristin (51:58.156)
Hmm, like any other like frames or tips or I guess actually I could ask you my question that I forgot to ask in the beginning that I'm trying to remember to Ask asking you kind of like what's you know turning you on the most in life or making you feel the most alive in and out of the bedroom just kind of like It's open and broad question. It can be
Todd (52:07.91)
Hahaha
Todd (52:20.19)
Yeah, it's a great question. You know, I was thinking about it. was like, just this conversation is turning me on in a really sweet way of like, the, what I love doing is bridging the inner world and the outer world. For me, that is so satisfying. And, you know, I, when I was younger, I was more inward and more just like doing my own thing, doing my own inner.
Kristin (52:36.536)
Hmm.
Todd (52:50.51)
I've always been into meditation and all that kind of stuff. But as I've grown, I feel like my calling is to be connecting the outer inner world. It's kind of like my mom and my dad a little bit. My mom was really outward, my dad was really inward, and somehow those two are something I like to bridge. And so that really excites me and it's something that makes me feel alive, really does.
Kristin (53:18.798)
That's beautiful. Any other favorite ways that you like to be that person? I know you mentioned meditation.
Todd (53:27.142)
Yeah, you know, like for me, used to be like meditation was the the the only way and it is really I still meditate like regularly every day and I love it as a practice. I think it's it's more inner work again. But what surprised me is that getting into the nitty gritty of life is as important as that kind of transcending experience as well.
Kristin (53:41.303)
Mm.
Kristin (53:54.318)
Mm. Mm-mm.
Todd (53:56.094)
analogy that comes to mind is like a tree where you to grow higher, you also have to grow deeper. So the roots have to get down into the dirt and like get into the like the real nitty gritty of life. And that supports the going higher and expanding to higher values of life. So like me just running a business being like
Kristin (54:05.495)
Mmm.
Todd (54:23.41)
all this stuff that I thought was materialistic, you know, it's like, no, bring it on because that's where that inner world is starting to bridge out into the outer world. And it's very fulfilling when it starts to happen. What it feels like is alignment from deep inside to outside as well.
Kristin (54:40.355)
yeah.
I'm curious. Well, I'm curious about a couple of things, but like any specific type of meditation. But then I just more of a comment, I guess. It's like, yeah, I think I used to try to want to transcend maybe out of the human experience because it's like maybe because there's a lot going on here or there's, know, like the HSP stuff or whatever. But I feel like lately within the last like year or so,
Todd (54:59.293)
Yes.
Kristin (55:12.814)
Just like this embracing of my humanness and mess has been so nice and juicy that it makes life feel more spiritual or like noticing of like synchronicities or connections or in that sort of thing too. I was like, oh, I guess I came here to be a messy human.
Todd (55:17.107)
Yes.
Todd (55:23.237)
Absolutely.
Todd (55:32.082)
Yes, that's, my gosh, we're on the same path. It's so counterintuitive because I'm the same. And I think it's an HSP thing to kind of want to just, just, let's just witness this whole life instead of actually being in it. But like to actually get our feet involved and get our feet on the ground and get messy and be like a mess and, and let that be okay. Like that is healing for, for, I think for everyone, but.
Kristin (55:41.208)
when
Kristin (55:45.006)
Yes.
Kristin (55:48.834)
Yeah.
Kristin (55:58.158)
Thank
Todd (56:00.592)
especially for HSP. yeah, that is where that is what is exciting me 100%. You know, as far as meditations, there are many kinds of meditations and there's so many effective ones. There are different kinds like some are just relaxation or just getting yourself in your body a little bit. And those are helpful when you're not able to get in your body or you know, just things like that. But
Kristin (56:17.859)
Mm.
Todd (56:26.83)
Then there's different kinds of meditation. Even yoga can be a meditation. And then I do transcendental meditation, which is a mantra meditation. And it's super easy to do and very delicious is the way I like to describe it. It feels really good. But there's Buddhist meditation. There's just so many forms. that's something that I...
encourage everyone to spend time researching like what's the meditation that fits for me you know that really and then try some and find ones that work for you because it's something that can provide a solid basis for your life you know hsps need more alone time than other people they need time to like decompress they need time to be just quiet not doing anything productive and meditation
Kristin (56:58.347)
Okay.
Kristin (57:15.351)
No.
Todd (57:22.344)
scheduled into your day can provide that in a great way. I do it first thing in the morning and I do it at the end of my work day. And it's just like this beautiful start to my day and a beautiful kind of like reset before the evening.
Kristin (57:36.622)
I just had a question come up too. Because the time you needing the time to yourself, and I'm like, totally resonate with that. I had a partner one time, he's like, I get it. And I also see or feel it as maybe being you're choosing to spend time not with me. So I'm like, any tips or anything for the partners of highly sensitive people maybe?
Todd (58:05.032)
Yeah, it's a tough one at first until you understand this trade a little bit that this is just an actual need. This is not about the other person not wanting to spend time with the other person. It's that as HSPs, we just need time alone. And it has to be on a regular basis, on a daily basis. And we can judge ourselves for being selfish in that way.
but that's not what really is going on. There's a limit. We reach our limit earlier and we want to prevent it from getting into a state of overwhelm where it becomes chronic overwhelm. And then now you're going to drive your partner crazy because now you're just like zero fuse and everything's going to set you off and they're going to be like, what's wrong with you? And so if you frame it in terms of this is for you, know, honey, this is for you.
Kristin (58:59.042)
Yeah.
Todd (59:01.254)
I want you to have the best relationship with me. And what I need for that to work is I need some alone time, some space for myself. I need to have a room where I can just go and chill, you know, and I need to just listen to my music or just like read or like do whatever it is, just like relax. You know, for me, before bed is really important time for me. Like I actually do a wind down before.
Kristin (59:14.222)
Mm-hmm.
Todd (59:30.792)
jumping into bed and I don't go on my computer or anything. We're like, we watch a little Netflix and then I'll be like, okay, I'm gonna go do my wind down. like lay on the floor, like have this block where I put my leg up and I do these different things. I'm listening to a podcast or just music or just chilling and then I do a little massage on my like body, just like my legs, my hands, my arms, my face, my head, just before I go to bed and.
That's my time. And if I don't do that, I'm probably going to be wired while I'm sleeping, while I'm not sleeping. I'm going to be in grouch the next morning and like, don't want to live with that. So anytime you can frame it in terms of the benefit the other person's going to get, that helps a lot. Same with work. Like HSP is at work also need to take breaks here and there also need a little quieter space for themselves. And sometimes it's not possible, but if you can
If you get into conversation with managers, then this is about, you can increase your productivity or you can be a more effective part of the team. And so that frames it in a way that often makes sense to people.
Kristin (01:00:43.982)
Yeah. Is there, and you said how many, I don't know, at the beginning you said a certain percentage, but I can't remember exactly the percentage of people that are.
Todd (01:00:52.35)
Yeah, it's 15 to 20 % of the population has this HSP trait. Yes, it's becoming less and less invisible all the time. And what's interesting is just because you're HSP does not necessarily mean you're introvert either. Surprisingly, 30 % of people who are HSP are extrovert.
Kristin (01:00:57.427)
How do we become less invisible?
Kristin (01:01:10.51)
Oh, interesting. Really? Okay, interesting.
Todd (01:01:18.92)
So you can have the extrovert personality, but still need time alone and still need the, still have the depth of processing and the emotional component and all of these things. So it's a very specific little trait.
Kristin (01:01:33.358)
Interesting, yeah. I definitely identify or feel that I'm more introverted because I've always likened that to a need for time to be by myself. But when I have to tell people, they're like, what? On and off, yeah, actually.
Todd (01:01:45.126)
Yeah, know, right? Extroverts... Yeah, extroverts get energy by being around people. They feel like something relaxes and they're like more at home. Introverts get the energy from being alone and taking care of themselves that way. Obviously, most HSPs are introverts, but there are exceptions there. That's right.
Kristin (01:01:55.149)
Yeah.
Kristin (01:02:04.48)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, some rare birds. Any last like gifts or myths that you'd like to share?
Todd (01:02:19.486)
That's a great question. Even has poetry built into it. I'm like, I got it. my gosh. Yeah. Gifts or myths? Yeah. That is a good question. I'm like drawing a blank to be honest. Yeah. I don't know. think it's more like how can I stay connected to myself?
Kristin (01:02:21.966)
I love some words.
Kristin (01:02:30.68)
Really?
Kristin (01:02:38.441)
You're good.
Kristin (01:02:46.99)
Mm-hmm.
Todd (01:02:47.89)
that as human beings, whether you're highly sensitive or not, how do you stay connected with yourself? That is how you have the most to give. That is how your relationships can be more fulfilling. That is how you can be more happy and balanced. it's the missing element that we all just forget because the world points us outwards. It keeps us pointed to what's the next thing we should do.
Who should we be like? What should we accomplish? And that's fine.
Kristin (01:03:21.914)
Or if we get like the, if we buy this, and we'll feel this way or be this.
Todd (01:03:26.462)
Exactly, right? It's all outward. we've learned or we've kind of gotten trained over our lives to think that happiness is out there. Everything that we want is out there. So just keep looking out there, out there, out there. Out there is an important part. This is that we're saying the balance of we have to get messy and get out there also. But inward is the place that we tend to forget. And so just put more of that in your life.
Kristin (01:03:48.109)
Yes.
Todd (01:03:55.88)
Like just a little more inward. Ask yourself what you think, give yourself time, give yourself space and take care of yourself.
Kristin (01:03:59.406)
Mm.
Kristin (01:04:08.181)
curiosity. To me it's like are you maybe is there a need to be curious around the resistance to not wanting to sit with yourself? know? Yeah if we get really
Todd (01:04:17.678)
yeah, yeah. Exactly. And that can be a starting point. Like if you can't actually sit with yourself, because it's uncomfortable, then like start with like, what am I afraid will happen? Or what am I uncomfortable about sitting with myself? Do that little process that I was telling you about, the work of Byron Katie, and just like, I don't want to sit with myself because I'm going to, you know, I can just be, I don't want to.
Kristin (01:04:25.986)
Mm-hmm.
Kristin (01:04:30.382)
you
Kristin (01:04:37.484)
Okay.
Kristin (01:04:45.588)
Yeah. Or I'm afraid of what will be illuminated.
Todd (01:04:46.238)
And is it true?
Exactly. I'm to find out there's just nothing in there. I'm going to find out that it's like more complicated. I don't want to look at that stuff. It's going to be painful. These are all thoughts that can be questioned. And then when you feel safe, then you can just keep inching your way there. This is digging your roots in a little deeper and deeper into your base. And then the more you do that, the taller your tree can can rise.
Kristin (01:05:17.282)
that visual too of the tree. Anything else you want to drop in? I have your website here and I'll definitely put that in the show notes. Trueinnerfreedom.com, right?
Todd (01:05:29.214)
Trueinnerfreedom.com, I'm all about inner freedom, which is amazing because it means the world around you doesn't have to change. And that's where the freedom comes in. So as you work with your inner world, you're less dependent on the outer world. Of course, you still have to interact and you can still take action, but this gives an option for that. So yeah, go to trueinnerfreedom.com.
Kristin (01:05:32.046)
I'm sorry.
Kristin (01:05:37.303)
and how.
Todd (01:05:55.079)
I have the HSP stress test there on my website. And so you can find out two things from that test. Whether you have the HSP trait or not, or how, to what degree, it's kind of a scale. And then where you fall on different stress levels. Like what's your depression like? What's your anxiety like? What's your stress like? And it's another important data point because remember we can work with stress. We just have to accept the HSP trait if that happens to be our nature.
So knowing where you are, where you're out of balance can be the starting point for starting to get into balance. And I have a six month program for it for stress management for highly sensitive people. And we go into all of these things in detail and with a lot of community support and support from me as well. So there's lots there. And then you can check out my podcast. I have a podcast called Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People.
And just type in HSP and you'll find a whole bunch of episodes about these kinds of subjects.
Kristin (01:07:00.526)
Cool, and then you prompted another question. So I'm like, HSPs more likely to be anxious or depressed?
Todd (01:07:03.325)
Yeah, yeah.
Todd (01:07:07.774)
It's an interesting, great question. So there is a kind of connection between stress and HSP, but it's not exactly what you would think. You might think HSP's are more stressed than other people because they're so sensitive. That's only true if HSP's allow themselves to get out of balance. And if they do, they get that overwhelm, they get all the stress markers and everything happens.
Kristin (01:07:15.159)
Hmm?
Todd (01:07:35.994)
then that's the sign they have to come back to balance. If you stay in balance, the advantage of being an HSP is that you can actually, you have a chance for even greater resiliency than other people because you're able to notice stress earlier than other people. So you know how an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So you notice when the ship is deviating one degree right now, so you just pull it back to the...
Kristin (01:07:54.348)
I'm not sure if I
Kristin (01:08:02.51)
Mmm.
Todd (01:08:03.634)
where it's supposed to be, and then you don't have problems down the road. Whereas people that don't have this trait, they have a bigger buffer, so things don't bother them as much. They can put up with a lot more stuff. But at some point, it may come crashing down because they weren't paying attention and the ship's on the rocks or something like that. So yeah, we have an advantage and a disadvantage. We have to do our work. We can't get away with it.
Kristin (01:08:23.601)
and stay.
Yeah.
Todd (01:08:30.492)
which sucks sometimes, actually is really a good thing because it keeps us really optimally functioning when we do our work.
Kristin (01:08:41.518)
of this conversation with you. And so I just appreciate you coming on here and sharing some insight and wisdom and just who you are.
Todd (01:08:49.954)
you're so welcome, Kristen. It was awesome talking with you. I love your openness and your great questions and your willingness to do the work. Amazing.
Kristin (01:08:57.688)
Thank you.