Sex, Drugs, & Soul

101. Mastering Your Inner World: Feminine Energy, Trust Repair, & Emotional Intelligence with Alexis Quiterio

• Kristin Birdwell • Season 4 • Episode 15

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Alexis & I discuss leaving the hard grind of the hypermasculine and slipping into a slower, fuller, more feminine way of being. She opens up about the night ayahuasca called her in, the decision to remove her IUD after twelve years, and how her libido and emotional depth surged back the moment she started listening to her body again.

We delve into the 10-second rule that draws men into deeper communication, the breath that pulls you out of survival mode, and the kind of softening that makes connection feel hotter, safer, and more genuine.

This is a rich, grounded, sensual dive into desire, self-mastery, nervous system truth, and what happens when you finally let your body lead.

Chapters:
00:00 - Introduction
01:22 - Self-Mastery & Shifting into the Feminine
07:18 - Medicine vs. Escape
09:42 - Communication Shifts After Softening
11:09 - Heard, Helped, or Held?
13:45 - Curiosity Over Defensiveness
15:30 - Nervous System Regulation Tools
20:02 - Polarity & Inspiring Masculine Presence
24:30 - Enthusiasm: The Feminine Superpower
27:25 - Setting Men Up to Win
32:10 - Speaking Desires Clearly
34:00 - Rebuilding Trust After Rupture
40:10 - Truth-Telling & Emotional Clarity
45:20 - Clarity in Dating & Relationships
53:02 - Expanding the Capacity to Feel
58:16 - Being Human & Remembering Why We're Here

Connect with Alexis:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alexisquiterio
Website: https://stan.store/alexisquiterio

Connect with Kristin:
Website
Instagram
YouTube

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Kristin:

Welcome to Sex, Drugs, and Soul, the sacred sensual space for wild ones, truth tellers, taboo dancers, and revels with soul. I'm your host, Kristen Burble, best-selling author, mystic, tantrica, and professional line blurrer between the profane and the profound. For years I thought I had to choose to be the good girl or the wild one, to be spiritual or sensual, polished or powerful. But I've learned the magic lives in the both hand and the mess, the mystery, the mission, and in embracing our messy humanness. This podcast is where healing gets real. Self-discovery gets juicy and shame gets kicked to the damn curve. Whether I'm flying solo or vibing with fellow seekers, healers, experts, and pleasure revolutionaries, we dive deep into the beautifully messy intersection of spirituality, sexuality, and self-expression. Because your body isn't too much. Your story isn't too messy. And your truth, that's holy. Alright, guys, welcome back to another episode of Sex, Drugs, and Soul. Today I have on Alexis Quitario. Quitterio. Quitterious. We're human. We're human. We got this. We got this. So good. I'm like, damn it. You're so good. Say it three times fast. Okay. Um, she's an author, she's a speaker, a digital storyteller, and a community builder. And a mutual friend of ours connected us. So I think today we're gonna dive into like some intimacy questions or communication, how to deepen relationships. Um, so we'll just dive in. And I want to ask you my signature question before I forget, because sometimes I'm like it gets lost in the in the mix. Um, so it's basically what's turning you on right now or making you feel the most alive.

Alexis:

This concept of self-mastery. So it's not about controlling. And this is a really big shift I've made in the past year when I was living primarily in my masculine, and now I've really leaned into my feminine. And so instead of controlling, it's more about knowing yourself. And it's about feeling rather than trying to learn more information. And that is what's exciting me because then you get to this point of knowing yourself so well that you get to show up in the world and that expression of you is your truth. So you don't have to try to be anyone, you don't have to perform. So it's truly about being in your body and knowing yourself deeply and like feeling those emotions and having the courage to feel those emotions. Such a turn on for me right now.

Kristin:

Yeah, feeling emotions is definitely something that juices me up right now. Um, would you say that getting to know yourself like incorporates or weaves in like that self-trust?

Alexis:

It does. Absolutely. And when that self-trust is there, then you don't have to worry about keeping any stories straight or performing. It's really about being an embodiment.

Kristin:

Yeah, it kind of seems like because no whatever happens, you know, good, bad, good, ugly, sad, the roller coaster, it's human. Yeah, yeah, you can handle it, whatever comes your way. I've definitely had some of that too. I resonate with the piece of the um your story about living in your masculine. I didn't know for so long. And then I I think I went to like an Ister or something, and I realized, oh, has my masculine been serving as a protector for my feminine? Like, what's going on? What kind of moment, or is there a moment that you realized, like, hey, I've been living this and I want to make a different choice or choose to live differently?

Alexis:

Yeah, I'm gonna take you back a couple of years when I live. Yeah, let's rewind. Back when I lived in Hawaii with some of my really good friends, one of my girlfriends, super in her feminine. And we hung out a lot. We shared a lot of space together and we lived together. So I was around her a lot and I was like, I really like how she does this, and I really like how she does that. And so I opened up to her about it and I was like, why is this? This is so beautiful and flowy. And she was like, I'm just really in my feminine. And it was what really started to turn me on to the concept of femininity. From before, I primarily operated in my masculine because I did gymnastics for 16 years growing up. And so everything was structured, discipline, routine, performance. And every single time I showed up, I was judged for it in terms of competing. So that's the mask and the shell that I held on to for so long. And I didn't realize I was trying to hold myself and control myself in all areas of life until a year and a half ago, which is wild to think about. So when I was talking to my girlfriend about that and I lived with her, I actually had my first ayahuasca ceremony when I was in Hawaii. And one of the first messages that came through to me was the fact that I was being called to the medicine. So anyone that knows, it's like, okay, well, you need to feel called. It's usually not something you just do and show up at on a whim. And uh, and so yeah, so one of the first messages, she was like, I've been waiting for you. Where have you been? And I was like, I didn't hear you. And that was because I was not in tune with my feminine and I was I was blocked. And so then I started leaning into all of these feminine characteristics, one of the major ones being getting my IUD out. Like a lot of a lot of like really like vulnerable stuff. Like it, there was a lot of pieces to me actually unwinding all of this programming in my masculine. And so once I had the ayahuasca ceremony, and then I heard, hey, I've been, I've been coming for you, I've been searching for you, I've been calling for you. And I was like, I didn't hear you. Got my IUD out two weeks later. And then I actually took a few courses on hormones and female hormones, and I had to get to know my body again because I hadn't gotten my period in over 12 years. Wow. 12. Wow. So that was a really big shift for me. And then from there I was just able to start to soften and my conversations with people started to change. I was reading a lot of different types of books. And what did that look like for you?

Kristin:

Yeah. Um being more than like the and I will say, like, I think the doing and the, you know, all that, it rewarded me in a lot of ways, or like there was a lot, and that was I think it's I've read or seen a video somewhere too, where it's like an unspoken kind of addiction, like that, that uh achievement, or it's like a rewarded one. Yeah. Right. Like the if I do this, I'm gonna get the love, the acceptance, the praise, the job, the money, the da-da-da-da-da. Um, and so for me, yeah, I guess, yeah, softening, feeling more. I think I had like because I feel so deeply. Yes, that I think it scared me for a while. Yeah. And um, so yeah, kind of like what you said earlier about reopening and expanding the capacity to feel um being okay with rest.

Alexis:

Yes.

Kristin:

Um I had, you know, you I had a friend who had um not had her period for a long time too. I had kind of gotten off birth control for a while. So I've been off, I think, about 10 years at least. Beautiful. Yeah, because I wanted to I didn't feel uh when I was on it, I didn't feel the um like my libido was like non-existent. I didn't feel like myself. So it's like there's just something to them. I'm like, I gotta figure it out. Even if I do have a painful period, it's like at least I can get used to that, or um to me, like lean into the the purge, um, or my my body knowing what it's doing. Yeah. So rewriting a lot of stories. Um and I will say it's like for me also like a balance. Like I create like for writing and stuff, um, outlines, you know, for feminine to flow. Like if I have like at least 20 minutes to write a day or 20 to 60, then then I can choose what I want to write. Um Yeah, and just kind of listen. I used to have like very strict rituals or like routines that I had to do. Yep. And like if I didn't do it, I felt bad about myself. So now it's like, okay, well, how do I feel what do I want to do in this moment? What are we the most nourishing?

Alexis:

Yes. Taking that pause to just ask ourselves and turn back inward of, hey, what do you feel like doing today? And just and tuning into that. And that's actually a really hard thing to do until you take the time to learn yourself because we've been so programmed to listen to what's going on and work from the outside in versus the inside out.

Kristin:

Yeah.

Alexis:

I think I tried every way. Yeah.

Kristin:

Man, drugs, all the different things. Right? Yeah. We all have. Yeah. And I was like, oh shit, it does start at home here. It does. Yeah. I was like, oh, I gotta give myself that love and acceptance and you know, validate myself, even though all that stuff feels good. Um, but is that the only time that you sat with Aya?

Alexis:

That actually was the only time I've sat with Aya. And I've been reintegrating for the past couple of years. Nice.

Kristin:

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I haven't yet. So, um, but there's been like phases where I'm like, do I, do I not? Um, I've had some powerful like mushroom journeys. Beautiful. Um love, like definitely an advocate. I just wanted to ask that because I was like, I need to, I feel like I've been hitting, you know, the spiritual concepts or the sex or the even some like that. I'm like, I want to talk about you know the psychedelic journeys too. So I'm glad that you even like brought that up. Yeah.

Alexis:

They're they're they're tools for us, you know. That's that's how I see medicine. I call it medicine because that's how I utilize it. Yeah. I call it a drug when it's an escape. That's how I define it. So if you're trying to escape something, then it's like, here, I want this drug to make me feel a way that I can't feel and I want to go there, versus using it as medicine. It's like, okay, how is it nourishing me? How do I how do I want to cooperate with it? How do I want to coexist with it? And what do I want to learn? Yeah. Intention's important.

Kristin:

Yeah, I like that distinction. And I feel like you know, social media can be a drug. I feel like there's so many different food, all kinds of different things, and not just like the things we typically think of. Um, I wanted to take a peek over here too and see. Okay, yeah. Did you notice a shift um between like your communication styles whenever you switch from your masculine energy to yours or leading more with your feminine?

Alexis:

Yes, yes. And the one book I would recommend people starting with is Keys to the Kingdom by Allison Armstrong. It is spectacular. It talks about the development stages of men. And that to me gave a lot of insight. It's told in a fiction story, and so it's about this married couple, and it talks about the feminine aspect and coming from the wife and the masculine from the husband, and then all the different stages that he's going through, and then how the woman can support him, how she could best communicate with him. So whether that is in partnership or whether that is in friendship, I found so much softening through that. For example, one of the things is after a man is done talking, wait 10 seconds before you say anything. Oh, straight up 10 seconds, and you will find nine times out of 10 he has more to say. But what is the natural response of a woman? Look, we are very proactive, we are very intelligent. And so what do we get excited about? Contributing, relating, sometimes fixing, nurturing. And what does that look like? A quick response, usually, a quick reaction or uh it's okay or coddling, you know? And oftentimes people want to just be heard. And so one of the questions I love to ask is, Do you want to be heard, helped, or held? And so usually with a man, usually he just wants to be heard. And so when I wait that 10 seconds, I oftentimes find him coming back, whoever I'm talking with, being like, What's your take on it? And then I respond. Otherwise, it's really good for them to be heard because often they men might not be able to go as deep with other men. So if they're comfortable with you as a woman and they are opening up to the softness that they feel with you, they usually have a lot to say, but they don't know that they have a lot to say. Some men do, but oftentimes we speak up way too fast before they finish what they're saying or what comes to mind. And it's really beautiful to experience a man thinking and just kind of like pausing. And he's usually still in his own mind and he's not looking at you. And you just kind of you hold the space and then he'll start saying more. And it's like, wow. Beautiful. It's so beautiful.

Kristin:

I love that. I feel like it would be more receptive too if he asks you for your input. Right. I mean, I know it's with me, if I even do it. Like if I what are your thoughts on it versus like just you know, jumping to like that solution or input? Like uh I mean, I've I've created the space for you to to provide that insight. So that's cool. Like that question. Yeah. Um I'm just gonna take a little peek at my notes. I had I know I had so many We have a big range of stuff that we're talking about before. So Ooh. Um Okay. This one just talks about um is there a simple sentence or question like that you can use, whether it's with friendships or relationships, um, to choose connection over defensiveness. And maybe there's been a rupture, maybe there hasn't been. Um, or maybe I know also you've spoken to the uh importance about like curiosity, or so like how to maybe shift.

Alexis:

Yeah. I would always the it's the curiosity piece. I just always go back to a question. So if I'm feeling disconnected and I want to feel more connected, then I always turn to just trying to understand. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences. And one of my favorite ways, especially with you know, holidays are coming up and going back for the holidays, usually there's a big miscommunication or disconnect between yourself and your family or your cousins or maybe childhood friends, because now you're in two different stages of life, you're having very different experiences. And so when there's a disconnect, then what I do is I just lead with curiosity and I ask another question. And I'm just like, what do you mean by that? Or, you know, what experience did you have that that formed that perspective? Or and it and it's so genuine because oftentimes if I'm taking something personally or I feel a disconnect, it's just a projection of either my feelings or their feelings. And so let's just stay grounded and let me know, let me know a little bit more. And the most intriguing story or perspective or lesson might come out of that. And it's just helped me carry a lot of peace in my relationships, which I'm so grateful for. And it leads to a lot of beautiful conversation versus defensiveness.

Kristin:

Yeah. Yeah. I like that point about that. We all come from different backgrounds and perspectives. And um, even like in the those people that knew us in like earlier times or phases of our lives, I feel that um a lot of times that we can hold people to past versions of themselves or they can hold us to past versions of ourselves. Yes. Um, and so like not giving us like or being present or giving us the space to be who we are today, especially if there's been some like growth and transformation. Yes. So I think the curiosity piece is so key. Yeah. And then um, what was I gonna say? Oh yeah, that reminded me of this question right here about like projections. Yeah, it's like how do we learn to see our partner or friends or family members beyond our stories um or projections and allow ourselves to like truly be seen.

Alexis:

Yeah. Oh, there's that's a loaded one because being seen for me means that I need to feel safe. And I also need to have the capacity within myself to express in that way. So, for example, when I first moved to Austin, I moved 16 times in the first 11 months I was here. I was house sitting. Okay. And I was going around.

Kristin:

16, you're like a little pimp. It was crazy.

Alexis:

It was, it was wild. It was very ungrounding. But at that time, I came into Austin knowing that I wanted to explore the different parts and knowing that I wanted to be here. And with that, I was like, let me try out a couple different parts of the city for a couple of months. And the two months turned into 11 months. And so after moving around a lot and getting grounded in my space, what I realized is I did not have the capacity to show up fully and be seen because I was in survival mode. Because I was in my hyper masculine trying to figure out where am I gonna go next or who's who's where's the next place. And there are all these pieces where I didn't have any spaciousness to allow myself to be seen by others. So the past couple of months, since I moved into my space, it's been beautiful to be witnessed. I've been able to show up online more because I now have the capacity to allow myself to be seen.

Kristin:

I love that. Yeah. Um yeah, then how do we or are there any tips that you would give to switch or to regulate the nervous system to go from like survival to the ability to feel safe or especially, you know, I guess a lot of people are like gonna be traveling going back for the holidays, you know, again coming up in a little bit. Yeah. Um depending on when this comes out. But but uh yeah, just any like techniques that you use or just would recommend for peeps like that could be easier to have in their pocket to regulate or self-regulate or self-soothe.

Alexis:

So one of them is actually what I'm doing right now. And to regulate my nervous system, I always just close my eyes and I take a couple deep breaths and I breathe all the way down into my feet. And I just make sure I feel my feet because when I can feel my feet, it means I breathed deep enough to get fully into my body versus just breathing right here and it's staying up here. And that's when your your uh heart starts racing more and your breath gets a lot shorter when you're when you're up here versus a full deep breath through your body. And I do close my eyes because there's so much stimulus, and I want to make sure that I can be centered and grounded in my energy. And then I one of my big philosophies and strengths, I would say, that I that I've come to find over the past several months is my ability to see everything that happens to me as a lesson for the betterment of myself. And so if something's triggering me or something common we all likely experience is road rage. And it's like instead of right, it's like I had that on the way here and people I learned after yoga today. Right? People are just beeping their horns and racing around and all that kind of stuff. And I used to get really triggered by that. And now when I do, I'm like, oh, I I just turn them, I'm like, oh, I hope everything's okay because it's not, it's not a it's not about me, it's for me. So what am I, what am I supposed to do? How is that for me? Well, I am supposed to in that moment, as I'm driving nice and safely and I'm not the one beeping and I'm not the one racing, I'm supposed to actually be giving love to the other person for whatever reason. And then in certain scenarios, when I am moving through life and I'm triggered by something that someone says, I'm like, oh, maybe that was something, that was a mirror that I needed to see. So I can focus on that later. I can journal on that, I can meditate on that, I can go for a walk and clear my head on that. That's still something it informs. It just informs what's going on in the body or in your life. And so I call it uh just it's my perpetual positivity. And so whenever something happens, it's like just do that like a couple of times a day or just for one day. Just try whenever you find something making your heart race or frustrating you, just turning it to what is it supposed to teach me? Or how can I have more compassion or empathy for that person if it was because of someone else? And oftentimes you will learn something new about yourself. So it just all comes back to self-awareness and feeling, you know? So it's just it's a little bit of a reframe, but it's been super refective for me.

Kristin:

I think that's been like one of the key like pillars of my life too. I could totally resonate that. But I will admit I did have a little road rage after younger stuff.

Alexis:

Hey, we're not perfect, like we do our best, but it's like 90% of the time we can like reframe. I mean, I have my moments too, but I'm like most of the time I'm pretty good. And I'm like, okay, Lex, just breathe and you know, settle back down into a lot here, give them love.

Kristin:

Like true. I know. Like literally, they'll leave in like the parking lot of yoga this morning and I was like Hong Kong. And I was like, I was like, what the hell isn't right and then um so I joked with a friend one time. I was like, sometimes it's like Namaste, Namaste. Yeah, yes. Yeah, so but yeah, but that that's like sometimes like that's where it will get me too. And I'm like, oh, why there? Why there now? Yeah. But um, yeah, that's like something that I don't know if I got it from my mom or just like the the love of stories or like a belief that no matter how it ends. Up, it'll always be a good story. And if it's not, it's just not done yet. Or like always, like I just always, even if I'm in like the heart of a trial or a heartbreak or grief or something, it's like, even if I can't see it now, like I trust that all things work out for good. 100%. And like I will, I will find it. Just maybe it might be like, you know, however long down the way. Yeah. And then we always have the ability to like retrospectively look back and say, like, hey, this is how it worked for me. I'm gonna assign this meaning to it. At least that's how it works.

Alexis:

My life is better because I do that. Right? It's like it's a really good practice that I also like to implement is whenever something good happens to me, I just start to trace back a little bit. And I just be I'm in that moment. I'm like, oh, this happiness or this bliss or this joy feels really good in my body. And then again, I just like I close my eyes and I just take that time. And oftentimes I'll remove myself. If something really good happens and say I'm with a group of friends, I will remove myself and go to the bathroom and make sure I feel it in my body and say, How did I get to this point? And it's like, oh, it was that wrong turn that one day. And then I pop my tire, which seemed to be bad at the time. But the person who actually pulled over to help me then became someone who connected me to this group of people. And here I am with the people who make me feel the most full in my life. You know, like you can actually trace it back. So just taking that moment to be with it and and reflect back, that reflection is the most important. So then we can trust whatever happens is for the best moving forward. I love that. But it takes a lot of intentionality. So a lot of people don't take the time to do that.

Kristin:

Yeah, but a couple minutes, I love that. Like to ask that question like, how did I get here? Yeah. Or like what possible you know, mishap led here. It kind of reminds me of a story that I was in Bali in 2018 and like what the shaman guide, uh Lou was uh talking to us about how Americans complain so much. And like even I even found myself that morning, like I had so fucking early, and you know, you know, just like I was like, oh man, like there's there's something to this. But she's like the ball the Balinese way is like if there's traffic, it's maybe it's saving us from uh an accident down the way. Maybe it's you know preventing something, even in like going forward in the future too. Yes. Um, or in a nonlinear sense. And I was like, I really love that perspective as well. Mm-hmm.

Alexis:

It's like all those little tweaks, all the little things that happened to me the other day at the gym. Actually, I I draw my keys somewhere and I and I got in my car. I'm like, wait, what the heck? Or I got to my car and I had to go back and retrace and I had things I had to do and places I need to be. And I found myself actually walking back to the gym. It was a beautiful reflection in that moment. And I was like, and I said it out loud, and I kind of caught myself off guard and I was like, Alexis, you're being, you're being saved from something. Or you're supposed to, there's there's a timeline that needs to be met where I'm just I'm slowing you down and I'm pausing you. So go look for the key. And within what, three or four minutes, I found it and I was right back on my way. And I just sat in my car and I was like, Oh, thank you for that. Whatever it, whatever the thank you was for. But I just paused. I'm like, it's not, I'm not in control. And that's a big part of what we talked about at the beginning with the masculine and feminine. I'm not in control. But I could do the best I can to show up as my best and with a smile and with patience and with trust and with optimism. Mm-hmm.

Kristin:

Yeah. That reminds me, like, um, do you find now that you're more acting, like or you know, being, I guess, more from your feminine, um, that you rush less? Yes. Okay. Like that's 100%.

Alexis:

It's beautiful. It's beautiful. Like, number one, I think it's really important to be prompt and respect other people's time. So if you are gonna be late, communicate and like let them know. Thankfully, nowadays, at least for me, if someone's late, I'm like, I always have a message to respond to, a phone call to make, a piece of content I want to edit, like whatever. So I don't mind. While at the same time, it's out of respect, you know. Um, but I do find myself being so much more patient and easeful, especially if it's like, hey, we need to go run these errands, you know, something that doesn't have an exact time limit, but it's something I anticipated. It's like, okay, let's look, let's ground ourselves, let's make sure we have a nourishing bite to eat, and then we'll be on our way, you know. Like, let's not rush. Let's not rush through the day. Let's not rush to get these 10 activities done. We got a Christmas tree the other day. And it's like, hey, let's not rush to get there. Like I was eating, my roommate was eating, and then we're like, okay, does everyone feel complete? Cool. Now let's go. And so it's just a good moment of presence and slowing down so you can enjoy that moment more instead of checking things off of a to-do list.

Kristin:

Mm-hmm. No, that I found I found that too. Like if I slow down, it seems to elongate the present moment. Yes. You know what I mean? Like I'm like, so much more juice. I have like more time. Yes. Because I've I caught myself this morning. I, you know, I'd gone to yoga and like I came back and um like I was a little bit running a little bit behind. You know, I'm right on time, but I'm like behind. So I caught myself like, I'm like, take Sacred Christmas, just breathe. Yes. Um, because when you just do one thing at a time, not like try to put your shoes on and feed the dog at the same time. Yeah. I'm like, do this. Yep. He'll be fine. Do that. Yeah. Anyway. Um, but that's one thing. It's like, yeah, the slowness that I find um to you know, circle back to your question too, about like some of things that shifted. I do find myself like sometimes going back and forth. Um yeah, I want to see here. Oh, I guess like, um, how do you feel about talking about like polarity in relationships? I know like we talked about masculine and feminine. Okay, yes, within ourselves. Cause I know there's, you know, just something with me. If I'm around like a very present, solid, masculine man, it makes me want to male. I'm like, oh, I feel safe. Yes. And that's softening.

Alexis:

Yes, it's beautiful.

Kristin:

So any direction or anything you want to add to like that dynamic, I'm cool to venture down.

Alexis:

There's so much with masculine and feminine polarity. Um what I always turn to is doing the best that I can in my feminine to enlighten, encourage, empower the man to be more in his masculine. So again, being when I'm around a man, again, depending on the relationship, if we're talking about maybe more of a um a potential relationship, like an intimate partnership, then I always just like to have my body be really relaxed and also like leaning in. And again, like all of those, those body language cues and taking my time when I talk. So I consciously slow down my talking. And then I give him time after he speaks. And then one of the biggest things that I don't think women understand that lights up a man. I've gotten so much feedback about this, is our enthusiasm. Okay. You see the man, get freaking excited about it. He he does something or like says something. And if it's something that actually like sparks some excitement within you, express that. Don't try to be all cool and and tone it down. Like men love that reaction, that response. Why? The polarity. They're usually very grounded and calm. You usually don't see a man jumping for joy. You might, but oftentimes you probably don't. Um, but when you when you have that and you play off of that, that's the polarity. Like he wants that, you know, kind of like puppy dog excitement or the excitement from the feminine. And if it's something that truly lights you up, then that's an embodiment and that's an expression of yourself. And that's sexy to a man. That's because you're being you and you're not trying to just be so like polished and put it, that's funny, you know. Like there's certain aspects that a man wants that excitement, he wants that nourishment, he wants that affirmation of like, you just said something funny, or wow, we're really aligned here and I hit it on the head. Or so it's really affirming him and his actions and what he maybe set up for you to do that night for a date, or just even his pure existence. How happy do you get? And how good does it feel with the excitement that your dog has for you when you walk in the door? Oh, I love that relay. Okay. Yeah. Literally. So you don't think, and I'm not saying act like a dog, but like you don't think when your man walks in the house and you're doing something and you put everything down, you're like, honey, I'm so happy to see you. How was your day? And you run over and you give him a hug. That's your puppy dog. Like be excited, acknowledge, have him feel like he's there and that he's an exciting pillar of your day or that moment. That's all it takes. It's very small. But again, polarity, like balance, balance that out. If he's feeling one of my favorite things to do, especially in a relationship or with a dynamic with a friend too, and you're walking into maybe a night that's going to be very intentional or a dinner or whatever. If you feel like the energy's off, say, hey, at a scale of one, two, one to ten, where are you at? And he's like, hey, out of out of 10 being like, I'm really good, super present in my body here, ready, versus one is not at all. Hey, I'm I'm actually feeling a six. Okay, cool. So you're not really feeling that. Okay, so what I have to be to balance out that 10 is either a four or I could be the full 10 so I can help him meet at that. Like I can, I can increase a six to a 10, you know? So it's always asking the other person where they're at to know how much you need to compensate. If he says, Hey, I'm a two, I know I gotta show up as an eight. So it's it's really just leveling with the person and their emotions and where they're at so that you can level with each other's energy and also balance and recalibrate.

Kristin:

I like that. Yeah. I um it makes me feel good that um I have like gone on two dates with someone recently and um he had made a date or the plan for date two while on day one. And I can't remember if I said it then or like afterwards, but I was like, I love that you did that. Yeah. I was like, because I was like, masculine energy on plan. And I'm like, set a date on the calendar. Yes. Yeah. Like I absolutely love that.

Alexis:

Yeah. And in acknowledging that in the moment, they're they're like, oh, you have to affirm people. Well, as women, we get complimented from each other and we're like, oh, go, girl. Like we hype each other up so much. As men, they don't get that as much. So when you see something you like on a man, I'm like, I always compliment. I'm like, dude, I you make that shirt look great. Like that looks amazing on you. Wow. I really like how you just ordered for us. I really like how you just set that up. Wow. Now I get to like not even have to worry about it. I'm so excited to show up again. Like starting to verbalize and communicate these things that you might be thinking or feeling is so important. And that's been one of the biggest shifts in helping me gain closer relationships to men because they don't hear it. We think they do, they don't. You know? So it's a really beautiful gift for them too.

Kristin:

That is cool. Especially, you know, like the the more of the positive or like feedback. And if you want more of it, give the feedback. Absolutely. Um and then especially like, you know, in if you're gonna you know, I I know that I've heard like um women being uh nagging or something, if something is going wrong or stray or wry. Is there any like communication tips or techniques you have to not be that? Or like instead of like calling forth versus I guess like that nagging, poking kind of energy. You know what I mean? Or like yeah.

Alexis:

So when a woman, so if a man does some things to say, um, what an example of like, hey honey, I asked you to take out the trash and you're not taking out the trash, so you want to start nagging, or give me an example.

Kristin:

Yeah, something like that. Like yeah, I can be something as simple as a trash, or you know, sometimes it's not really about the trash, but it's you know crash.

Alexis:

Correct. Yes. Yeah.

Kristin:

So we can use the trash or yeah, like um miss something else or miss like a something else. Yeah. Yeah.

Alexis:

So I find as women, something that we can be programmed or um that that maybe has been instilled in us unintentionally along the way is uh setting men up to fail. So for example, um your anniversary, right? Your anniversary's coming up, date night's coming up, and you know it's coming up. So what is a common response? At least a common response for me used to be like, oh, test him and see. Like, did he save it in his phone? Is he gonna remember it was our anniversary? Is he gonna remember that we're meeting Sally and Jim tonight for dinner, or is he gonna forget and he's gonna come home? We just have these like tests. It's it's a natural thing that we've picked up, I think, with watching reality TV and just playing games. And for me, I'm like, I don't want to do that anymore. So when I started to be in those moments, what I did was actually set the man up for success. So, for example, your anniversary is tomorrow and he has a lot going on at work, or he seems to have a lot of different things going on, and you're like, and you're feeling intuitively he might forget that tomorrow's our anniversary. And you're over here on the other hand, like preparing stuff or whatever. So, what do you do instead of allowing him to lose, preparing him to win? Then you're like, honey, I am so excited for our anniversary tomorrow. I can't believe it's been a year already. Oh my God, it's been the most blissful year of my life. I'm just really excited to be with you tomorrow and to be present. And I have a couple things planned. How are you feeling? How does your work schedule look? Whatever. So, what did I do in that? I not only reminded him tomorrow that it was our anniversary, but I did it in a way that expressed my feeling and how excited I am, getting him also excited. So if he forgot, then he's like, oh shit, okay. Well, I forgot it's tomorrow. But then I'm like, hey, what do you actually feel like doing too? Because what is a relationship? It's a partnership, it's a collaboration. You're in this together. You're a team. It's not one or the other. It's not tit versus tat, it's not you forgot, so you lose. Like we're both trying to win here. We're both trying to lift each other up. So you really get to prepare him for to win alongside you. And if, and he might come forward and be like, wow, babe, I'm so sorry. I actually completely forgot. I've had so much going on at work. I would really love some time for dinner. Um, if that's something you could take care of. Or maybe he's like, oh my God, babe, that's amazing. I would actually love to plan a dinner for us, you know, like let him win. Let him win.

Kristin:

Love that. Yeah. Um, it's also like to me, it goes kind of like not not playing games. Yes. Um, and kind of goes back to, you know, yeah, this I think some of the something that you mentioned earlier, it kind of reminded me of like, okay, if you like the enthusiasm piece, like if you're gonna be authentically excited, like holding it in is not being authentic. Right. It's putting it's reserving yourself. Yes. And then to me, it's like if we continue to wear these masks, will we really be able to accept the love from some our partner or from someone else if we're doing that because we're not being our self?

Alexis:

100%. 100%. And then what do we then what do we want as women? We're like, well, I want a man to do this and I want a man to do that. And I was just talking to a friend about this yesterday. What is what is that doing when we're saying, I want all of these things? We're likely not focusing on what we're actually providing and to be that person that's worthy of receiving that. So it's like, okay, if you want a man that gives you that love and, you know, sets up dates and plans these things and takes care of you and allows you to be in your feminine, what does that mean? Be in your feminine. So what does that being in your feminine mean? Support him, use enthusiasm, like help plan, be a team player, like do these things that are in your feminine so it empowers him to be in his masculine versus emasculating him.

Kristin:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, because then that could only see where that would be like a direction straight for resentment or um not feeling valued or respected, and then you know, then maybe intimacy drops. I don't know.

Alexis:

Everything. It's a domino effect. It truly is. Yeah.

Kristin:

So it's all these small things at the beginning. And to what be right that if you're testing them, you know what I mean. Like, and it's like, does it really matter that much? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna take a quick peek over here and just take a little bit at a little glance at time. We're doing good. Okay, let's see. Let's see here. Um, yeah. How about how do we rebuild trust after miscommunication or rupture? Or yeah.

Alexis:

Yeah, that's a great one. Okay. So let me ask you, what makes you trust someone?

Kristin:

Um probably sometimes I do it a little bit, you know, I I give trust until you know it's been like uh I guess what, trampled on or been proven otherwise. I sometimes I tend to do that. Um, or you know, if they're showing up where they say they're gonna show up or doing what they say they're gonna do, that's a big one for me. Because I guess I used to be a big words of affirmations gal. Then I was like, no, I like the action because I don't want someone to just promise me the world or tell me all the love I love you without um it being grounded in like that action or something.

Alexis:

Yeah.

Kristin:

Yeah.

Alexis:

Beautiful. So when I have experienced moments of distrust, communication is so key. And once again, what we're talking about, like having a regulated nervous system and staying grounded. So it's not about lashing out, it's about truly speaking to them and letting them know hey, um, this thing that you did, it actually broke a lot of trust because for me, and this takes a lot of self-awareness. So that's why building trust and building safety takes a lot of the inner work and it takes a lot of understanding of what it meant to you so that you can articulate that to them. So for example, yeah, sharing with someone, hey, uh, this actually led to a bit of distrust. This is why. This is why it led to distrust. Um, in the past, what's happened to me is, for example, uh, I had a parent that always said that they would do something. They always said that they would come to my sporting events and then they were never there. So when you said tonight that you would show up to my podcast feature or my speech or at my friend's birthday, and then you didn't show up, that that developed a lot of mistrust and it created a rupture because that was something I dealt with growing up. So, what would actually help me, and then we come up with a solution and we let them know because we think people are mind readers, they're not. So, what would actually help me to rebuild this trust would be as you go along, like let me know if if you can commit to something, then say it and commit to it. If there's something where you think you can show up, but you're not sure, also communicate that. So it's not 100% yes, but it's a hey, honey, I actually have a project or hey, friend, I I have this going on earlier in the day. It ends at five. I know your thing starts at 5:30. I might get stuck in a little bit of traffic. So I'm gonna do my best to be there on time. And if I'm not there on time, I'm still gonna be there. Do you see how that's a little different than hey, I'm gonna be there? No, it's it's letting them know. Let them know a little more information so that they can trust you. And then for me, to you, for example, I need to let you know what trust looks like to me because trust is very subjective. It's not objective. There's no black and white in trust because again, we're all coming from different backgrounds and different experiences of what trust looked like to get and then also to rupture.

Kristin:

I mean, girl, I was I was like, whoa, I just had a powerful like awareness come in. Give it to me. Yeah. Give it to me. I was like, oh my God, it almost makes me want to cry. Yes. Yeah, it's about a past relationship and a moment and or like because I about our upbringings and experiences of like, oh my God, yeah. It's like, okay, how many times did you know it touch on like my dad breaking my trust by because he didn't show up or because of the XYZ or forgot a birthday or you know, this. And so whenever um an ex of mine did not when I finished like the first draft of my book, and I was like, oh my God, I did, you know, I'm like, this is the thing I've wanted to do my entire life. And then he didn't want to go out and celebrate with me. He wanted to do something different or it was more important. So now I'm like, oh shit, that had the reason why it was also so important was like, oh, it triggered like a wound or like a hurt spot from my dad. And like, yeah. Yeah. And so I'm like, oh, I was like, oh wow. But I mean, that was like a very pivotal point for me. That was like, I in that moment I was like, this relationship is over. Yeah.

Alexis:

And if you realize that on the spot, like what okay, so going back to that moment or maybe something moving forward, if you have that awareness in that moment, is that something in which you think that you would try to communicate and work through to rectify and bring awareness to, or do you think that's something that you're like, oh, it's not gonna work?

Kristin:

Oh well, now I think it was probably like a cumulative, like there's a building of things, like when it was that, yeah, I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. And when you're choosing to go out drinking with your buddies instead, I'm like, okay. It felt like I see where I'm valued or where I'm placed in like the scheme of things. And and um, if you don't kind of think that I'm gonna you kind of thought that I was gonna be here regardless, then maybe you know, I think that was like a very tipping point. But now, yeah, I would say especially I love your distinction about community. What trust looks like to us. I don't know if I've done that with a partner before or a friend. Like, hey, this is what it looks like to me, or what resonates as trust. And then like I think of also like attachment styles of like, okay, when this happens, sometimes I get a little fluttery or anxious. You know, disorganized. Um, and then um, but yeah, I feel like I could be able to communicate that, or I even just like the not full send 100% I'm gonna be here, or and now looking back, it's like, oh, I could have communicated I'm inching closer towards this like completion or first draft. Like, you know, can we celebrate or are we going to instead of assume that he would be just as enthusiastic to celebrate with me? Yes.

Alexis:

Yeah, yeah. It's all those micro moments that adds up to the big thing. Like we think that it's just that one time, and it's like, we could have been dropping breadcrumbs the whole time and preparing him. And I mean, how does when when you're younger and maybe you're a kid and and you you ask your parents, you're like, Hey, I really want to like go on this trip or whatever. Maybe after 20 times of bringing it up, the next time you're ready for a trip with your parents, your parents like, oh, maybe this location, and it's the location you've been breadcrumbing, you know what I mean? So just but again, it's just about supporting each other and not leaving anything to chance in terms of miscommunication or just like a miss. You know, we just we don't we don't want a massive miss where it was like, I had no idea. When that means throughout the time there wasn't an effort to mutually understand, but rather an assumption that you would. And we're not in each other's bodies. And that comes the same with intimacy. You know, we're talking about relationships and intimate relationships, and we can't leave it up to chance what turns us on or what we desire in date nights or what quality time looks like for us. We need to communicate that. Hey hun, I'm I'm, you know, I've had a really I've had a really, really long day. Um, what would be super nourishing for me right now after you're finishing up with work, if it's within like the next 30 minutes, I'd really appreciate to just like be held for a while. Maybe we can make some tea, um, you know, or going for a walk would really make me feel good. Is that something that you can support me with? Like, how would he know? How would he know? Yeah. He might just be there being you're like, and you're you're really frustrated or you're really sad and he doesn't know what to do. So maybe he just leaves you alone. Again, how is he brought up? Has anyone ever brought this to his awareness where he knows to lean in or ask you what you need? Or is it just a, oh, she's oh, it's that time of the month. I better leave her alone. You know, all these programs. So you don't know until you start working together and getting to know each other in that way.

Kristin:

Yeah, it seems like getting to clear on what what you're designing or what you're nourishing or what you need in the moment, and then uh as simple as like making a request. Yes. And then maybe having like, you know, if he's not able to, or then maybe having a negotiation some kind of negotiation with like, okay, if we can't do that, what about this? Yeah. Yeah.

Alexis:

And men want to provide. Yeah. Biologically, they are providers. So they want to provide something that makes you happier, better, safer, more grounded to feel good. So if it's not what you can offer, then he's like, hey, I actually don't have this, but I could do that. How does that feel? You know, but it does take two, you know. So it's not just if if one partner is trying this and the other one's not communicating, then it's like getting to a place where you can both, where you're both hearing each other and feeling each other so that you can get to a solution together. So it takes time, but yeah, a lot of awareness. So it's so into orders.

Kristin:

We're not taught this. We're not. It's like we're not. Like how do these uh communication skills or even to like sometimes own our desires or yeah. Any other tips or like for you know deepening intimacy or and communication as it pertains to partnerships, relationships, that sort of vibe.

Alexis:

Do you have any pain points from your past that I can't?

Kristin:

Well, I mean, uh the one that comes up that's kind of similar to like the different upbringings is because um he didn't understand why birthdays were so important to me. And his birthdays weren't important to you know, him or they weren't made it such a big deal, like for you know, in his family. And for me, it was like it was like the one day where the where it was like my day. Yes. And um, you know, the one year my dad forgot my birthday. And so it was just like I wanted it, I wanted to feel special on that day. And we used to have like little different arguments. He's always wanted to plan like a single to Mayo party. And I'm like, I'm May 2nd. I'm like, can we not have like you know something one year that that is you know for me? Yeah. Um and so I mean, there's that, or yeah, yeah. I'm a different person now than I was then, but yeah.

Alexis:

Yeah, and your desire. I mean, it's speaking your desires, right? And we we need to understand what our desires are, which this was just recent for me. My friend was like, she always we go through this exercise of what are you grateful for? And what do you desire and what are your wins? What are your brags? And when it comes to desires, the first couple of times we went through this exercise, it was really hard for me. Like I was sitting on it and I was like, Wow, I actually don't know. I don't know. The what? How do I not know what my desires are? And it just showed me that I was responding and and reacting to a lot of things in my life. I was taking all these inputs and I was like, okay, produce, produce, produce, produce output. But how about the input of what is my desire so that that could be brought out to the world and communicated with the world? So it takes like if you're like, hey, I know, I know birthdays are important to me and this is my desire. If you know that, then it comes to communication. Hey, babe, I just want to let you know something about me and like make it again, make it fun, make it playful. Something about me that you should know is that I love birthdays. So I don't know if you share the same sentiment. Is it important to you? Oh, yes, no, maybe okay, cool. They're really important to me. And so what I love on my birthday is it's really close to Cinco de Mayo. And so sometimes they can overflow into one another, you know, and again, a different chapter of your life where it was maybe more surrounded by drinking. But it's like what I really love to do is I like to wear a crown and I like to be brought out to eat and I like to be around my friends and I like them to affirm me and remind me of who I am or whatever, or whatever it feels whatever feels good for that year in that moment, just letting them know, hey, before my birthday is what I want to do if it's cool with you, like a month before, I'm gonna start to tell you what what I'm feeling into for a theme that year. What is my embodiment? Where am I at? Is that something that you'd be open to helping me celebrate? Because it's really, really important to me and it makes me feel seen and it makes me feel celebrated. Cause growing up, you know, my dad forgot my birthday and I realized how much it meant to me when I I felt so sad and and so forgotten on that day. You know, so like bringing them back into that experience and it doesn't need to be heavy, it doesn't need to be dramatic, it's just, it's just an information and that helps him. And then he needs to come back around and be like, baby, I'm meeting you at this excitement. I would love to celebrate you however you want to be celebrated. And if not, then maybe you reevaluate what that dynamic looks like because you, you know, wanting a partner to give to you how you want to receive is very important. That is long-term happiness, that's long-term loyalty, that's long-term feeling wanted and committed to and desired.

Kristin:

Yeah, I feel like that brings up the love languages piece. Yeah, because like if we communicate, because I would be like, I would, you know, spool you all over on your birthday. So it's like me in a way communicating what uh some of like a love language or desire may be through that versus just explicitly or you know, directly saying it. Um because I feel like we can um give and receive love in different love languages, but if we don't talk about it, then we may just be like two ships passing in.

Alexis:

A hundred percent. You know. And there was actually, I had um I when I first came to Austin, like throughout the past year of my dating experience, the constant feedback that I got from a man was appreciating how clear I was about where I was at or what my intention was. Because a lot of the times men just want clarity. Hey, look, right now, I'm actually not into this for long term. I'm looking to date because dating is actually a mirror for me to get to know myself better. So um, right now that's the chapter I'm in. If this turns into something more long-term, amazing. But if you are looking for a longer term commitment, I just want to let you know where I'm at. And if this is something that you're willing to commit to in the meantime, this is where I'm at, you can make your decision. Clarity. He knows what to do, balls in his core, he can make a decision. But if we're like, hey, like, you know, I'm just I'm excited to date. And then he's like, oh, awesome. Like maybe his love language is quality time, and then you keep spending time with him and you're trying to communicate, oh, quality time is my love language too. Well, that doesn't give any clarity as to whether or not you're ready to move forward in a relationship. You know, so really speaking where you're at and in your situation, no one can deny you or fight you on your truth. I was talking to a girlfriend the other day and she was talking about, she was like, Hey, how do you get your previously intimate relationships to be now friendships? And she was like, How did you make that transition between like being intimate and being in that space versus where you are now? And I was like, I just show up with my truth and I just let them know, hey, right now, um, you know, this has been amazing. And like, I affirm everything that's been beautiful genuinely about our connection. And this is my truth right now. So my truth right now is I'm looking for more time to dive into myself. I just want a little bit more time to do that in my life. And I find that a lot of my free time is going to us, which is amazing. But right now it's really important for me to turn inward. And I'm also just not feeling the same way. And if I'm not a hundred percent about my emotions towards you, that's not fair to you. That's not fair to me. But I'm just letting you know where I'm at. Can you deny me my truth? Mm-mm. And oftentimes, what do we do? Hey, you're taking up a lot of my time. I don't want this anymore. I don't feel the same way. You know, this happened and this happened. Like you're bringing in all these negatives and all these things that someone else wants to become defensive about because we don't want to be the bad guy. No one wants to feel like crap after getting out of a relationship that at one point was likely very juicy and very fun and very beautiful. That's the same with friendships. Hey, right now I don't really feel like we're we're aligning on the same page. I've had to do that with friendships. Like, I can't actually give you the time that you're desiring right now. Um, so I just want to let you know where I'm at and set the expectation for our friendship as well. Like, I'm not able to respond to you as soon as you text me. Might take me a couple of days because this is my focus. And that, you know, just like letting people know. And if you stay in your truth, then people can't deny you your truth. Yeah, that's beautiful. I it's been so key for me.

Kristin:

Yeah. How long um have you been communicating like this? Or is there something that instilled it in you to, you know, like studying or, you know, upbringing, or you know? Yeah.

Alexis:

Um I in my early 20s, it was my first corporate job out of college. I moved to Central Virginia. And that job I quickly realized was not what I wanted at all. And it scared me because it was the first time in my life I was completely moved away from home, middle of nowhere. My best friend was a 65-year-old retired psychotherapist. I had no idea she was a retired psychotherapist. I just thought she was a really sweet older lady because she did a lot of photography. So one month into our friendship, I she, I'm like, oh, you know, like, you know, you've been a photographer your whole life, like all these kinds of things. And she's like, no, I'm actually retired in my practice and all that kind of stuff. I was like, you've been psychoanalyzing me this whole time. Like what? But ended up turning into a beautiful friendship for the next two years where I just learned so much. She kickstarted me. Like, that's where I started my personal development journey because the questions that she asked me and how she broke things down for me and how she was so safe and patient and compassionate towards me and anything I was curious about, tough times I was going through, she was there. And then I started my personal development journey and I started reading a lot of books. And then I just kept practicing what I was learning. So whenever I would learn something at that time, I was really into social media, similar to now, but a different chapter. And every single time I learned something from my book, I would go on my story, I would go on my page and I would share it. And then I would also apply it to those I interacted with that day. So I played a little bit of a game, you know? But every single time I learned something or I heard something that I liked, I would write it down and then I would go through. And each day I would like practice one of those things, practice one of those things. After a while, you start attracting people who communicate well. You start attracting people who connect seamlessly with you. And then again, you're able to backtrack, well, why are we connecting so well? Why are we communicating so well? Oh, because of all these practices that I did at this time. So it's been years. I mean, it's been well over 12 years that I've been practicing stuff this way. Um, but whenever I do, I find new ways to communicate it. So stuff like this, even when I'm interacting in person and I'm with girlfriends or I'm with guy friends, I just, you know, I'm I'm very certain to call out what it is just so they can also learn. And it also helps me reflect in that moment.

Kristin:

Yeah. So yeah. It makes me think too of like the reflection of the work that we've done. And it sounds like you actually did like the integration piece. Because I know that it can be easy to just like read a bunch of personal development books without like taking any action or like implementing it into one's life. And I feel like gamifying or making it playful is so important too. Um, it just kind of gave me a like a moment to like reflect. I'm like, yeah, I really like this person that has shown up in my sphere. And it's like, oh kind of like, okay, if I want to, you know, make a list of the qualities and traits of the person that you know I I want to have in a partner or something, it's like, okay, do I have those? Yes. You know. 100%. Like, how can I expect someone to give me that something that I haven't like fortified within myself? Yeah. So I'm like, I really like my reflection right now.

Alexis:

And it's not it's not about knowing more, it's about feeling more. So it's like we know so much more than we think we know. It's just about feeling it and integrating it. And then having the courage to step out and embody it. Like we really, I just living with intention every single day. It doesn't need to be these massive wins or these massive adjustments. It's 1% every day. And so that's why we're saying, like, I'm a student of life. If you get 1% better every single day, you know, like frame it however is motivating to you, but just try a little bit more every single day. Try to not get as lost in your phone scrolling if it's something that's unhealthy. Try to not turn on the TV for an extra 10 minutes at night if that's what you want to do. And maybe sit, like it's the scariest thing for people to actually sit with themselves in quiet and peace and reflection. People don't want to feel. We're taught to be scared of feeling. And so the more that you could feel and the less you seek for external knowledge, it's like just when you start to get quiet with yourself, it's really beautiful how much you realize you know, and then you can feel it, and then you can live it.

Kristin:

Any other like um tips, tools of the trade to feel more? Cause I think that I I went to the Egypt uh last May. And I it was like about like um the guide that I went with, she said uh she's like a good friend too. Um she's like, okay, this is gonna be, you know, about getting insider clarity on your purpose. And so I was like, I touched the Sphinx, and I'm like, okay, show me like what am I here to help people do? And I like I got expanding the capacity to feel. And I was like, oh, snap, great. Okay, so I love that you're touching on that and like emphasizing the importance of feeling. Um, besides like sitting still or being with ourselves, any other. Yeah.

Alexis:

Are you ready for this? Yeah, okay. Yeah, I think there are two things. There are two things. Okay. One of the things is I talk out loud to myself often.

Kristin:

I've heard that's a sign of intelligence.

Alexis:

Beautiful, beautiful. Mine's more so that and like reflecting back to myself. So every single day I have been journaling for the past 10 years. Journaling doesn't have to look like sitting down and writing in a notebook. It does not need to look like that. What I transitioned to the past like six years, because there was one point every single morning that I would wake up and I was journaling for hours. I'm talking like three, four, five hours. And I was like, this feels really good. This is really good for me, not sustainable. Like I cannot, like, I'm gonna look at myself in a year. There's no way that I'm gonna be able to do this. So what I ended up doing was transitioning that to my phone. So I literally have a folder in my phone and my notes app. And every single month it's just like a new note. And then I write the date. And so what I do, whether it's in the morning while I'm getting ready, in the car while I'm driving, while I'm out on a walk, uh, maybe when I'm cooking, I'll just press the microphone button and I'll start talking and it'll just transcribe in my phone. What that's allowed me to do, whether you decide to transcribe in your phone or not, whether you decide to do voice memos, or whether you just feel like talking out loud to yourself, start processing out loud. Why do you think therapy is so effective? What happens? You're in a room, the therapist prompts a question and is quiet. And what do you do? You talk. You just talk. So allow yourself to be your own therapist. Start talking through how to feel you know, right now, and like like break it down. And it takes the time. Like it's not easy to just identify. We don't a lot of people don't know how to even identify how they're feeling. So if you have a tightness in your chest, then something you could say is, I'm feeling this tightness in my chest. That's interesting. Being curious, right? That's interesting. I'm actually feeling a lot of anger too right now. I wonder why. You know, today um someone said something that read me the wrong way and actually made me feel like not seen. I feel like I was I was looked over. I don't feel appreciated. I actually didn't get any hugs today either. So I didn't feel a lot of love. Oh, interesting. Uh okay. And honestly, like throughout that, just start to talk it out, like start to understand. And when we're talking and we hear ourselves, it becomes more real. And we start to just like that emotion is now moving through our body. And so I just I love talking out loud to myself in like safe spaces. I'm not saying because oftentimes what I used to do was I used to have someone I always used to go and talk to and just pour on to. And it's not their job to hold my shit. It's my job to hold my shit, you know. So when I do that on my own, then when I show up with someone, I find myself not needing to pour on to them. I can actually be present and usually hold them because I've already processed my stuff. So I love talking out loud to myself. And then the other way I love to feel is working out and moving. And, you know, movement is energy in motion, like the emotion is energy in motion. And so whenever I'm working out and I have my headphones in and I'm listening to music, I am just lost in my mind and muscle connection and I'm just feeling, feeling, feeling. So whether I'm doing my last reps and it's so painful, what is likely pushing me through that? Some sort of energy from my day. It's usually, I was usually something frustrating or something heavy that happened, and I just need to move it through my body. So when people are like, How do you work out every day? I'm like, dude, I'm going to therapy. I'm sure I'm going to therapy. I need to move this energy through my body because it's stuck right now. And I actually can't be present with you until I feel grounded myself. So again, I'll either digitally journal or speak out loud, or I will go to the gym, or I will go on a walk. Like, I just need to get rid of everything except for myself in my presence. Get rid of your phone, get rid of music, get rid of literally everything. Just be with yourself in your body however you can. And you will start to find a lot of clarity on how you feel. Again, you know a lot more than you think you know, but it's just the practices that we're not implementing to actually get us to feel.

Kristin:

I love those. Yeah. I love that. That's a good little trick, like the um voice nomoto note. It's so good. It's so good.

Alexis:

I'm telling you, it saved me more times than I can ever hope for. And it's helped me realize a lot more because when you're talking out loud, you're like, oh my God, I actually didn't realize it's you against you. And you're like, I didn't realize that actually was something I felt. Hmm, interesting. And like you're going into this dialogue by yourself, and it's really beautiful.

Kristin:

No, I love that. Okay. I want to take a quick peek and then I want to give you space to share anything that you want to share too. Let's see. Okay. Well, mm-hmm. What's okay? I'll I like this one. It says, um, oh, okay, there's two. Okay. Give it to me. I'll I'm gonna read both and I'll let you choose which one. Okay. Okay. Because I'm like, ah, the first question is what's the one misconception about relationships or communication that you wish everyone would throw in the trash? Or what is your hope for how we evolve the way we love, lead, and care? Communicate as a collective.

Alexis:

Wow, those are both really good. My hope for how we love and lead as a collective is truly bringing ourselves back to being human. Okay. Is that we were all the way I like to think about it is we were all these particles and energy out in the ethers, right? We're all blissful souls. All souls can feel is bliss when they're just there's no form, shape, or anything. That's all we can feel. We all decided out there in the ethers at the same time, because we're existing right now. Hey, look at that rock. Do you want to go down there for about like a hundred years? Do you want to feel five senses that we can't feel right now? Do you want to experience extreme happiness and extreme sadness and just being able to move through those things? And oh my God, here's the bonus. We're gonna actually go down there forgetting everything. So our whole goal is to go through remembering, through having all of these emotions and feelings that we actually don't have right now. Do you want to do that? And we all said yes. We all said yes. So when we're trying to move forward and like how to be more connected and loving as a collective, can we just be more human? Can we laugh more? Can we love more? Can we just speak what's on our heart more? And when you're speaking what's on your heart, there doesn't need to be charge behind it. Because if it's your truth and it's not coming from projection or something angry that you've processed or all those kinds of things, then you can come about it being like, Hey, what I what I actually really wish we talked about during this podcast that we didn't was this. Is that okay with you? And what are you gonna say? Oh, that's no, you're not gonna react.

Kristin:

You're gonna be like, whoa, come back to round two. Thanks, thanks for letting me know, you know.

Alexis:

So I just hope that we can all remember that we chose this human experience and none of us make it out alive anyway. So just have fun and play truly and bring fun and bring energy and bring levity into everything that you do because we're supposed to come down here to explore and play and create and impact and love and connect, you know. So it's as simple as that.

Kristin:

Yes. Amen. Preach the human, totality of the human experience. Anything you want to share that we didn't cover. Oh my God. Or um connecting with you offers any of any of that you want to drop in.

Alexis:

I feel very complete with this. I really appreciate just the space to explore the range because I'm I'm really passionate about it. And it's what I find brings a lot of happiness and bliss to my life. And when people are like, How are you so positive or how are you so happy? And it's like it's these little pieces that we practice throughout a day, then it brings us to connections like this where we can actually share it on a bigger scale. And so something I'm really passionate about doing and what I'm bringing to life a lot right now is supporting leaders and CEOs and founders in their personal brand. So the strategy in which it is to tell their story to show up and be witnessed online in a way that feels safe and doesn't feel extractive or super exposed, you know, that's that's a big challenge for a lot of founders and CEOs who are like, I want my life to be private. I want people to know. Well, yes, yes, and you can still show people that you're human and you can still allow them to connect to you without giving, you know, people are always going to have opinions. But one of my favorite things is really seeing that person come alive because instead of it being, this is who I need to show up as in front of the camera versus this is who I am at my family dinner. You there's there's really no difference in the energy of it. You're stable, still able to like express and show that, but in a way that feels safe for you. And so that's what's really exciting me right now in terms of how I'm able to support other people and conversations like these, like it's a lot of conversations like this where it's like, where's that fear coming up in your body? Where's that living? Okay, what can we do 1% today? One conversation we can have, one way of showing up that allows you to get a little bit closer to feeling safe. And then that safety has to be affirmed and it needs to be, you know, reflected back to us. So, like, oh, okay, that was safe. Oh, okay, I'll move a little closer or I'll do something more. So it's it's a really fun game and and strategy and um impact that I'm able to make with people who have a lot of impact or a lot of influence with those around them.

Kristin:

I love that. Yeah. Thoroughly enjoyed this conversation with you.

Alexis:

It's very heartwarming.

Kristin:

I'm like, oh, I can't wait to share all these gems. Thank you. Thank you. This is amazing.

Alexis:

Thank you for holding the space and the great prompts and everything. This is really cool. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Kristin:

Thank you for being here, love, for listening with your whole heart, for listening to the very end, and for walking this wild path with me. If today's episode stirred something in you, whether a giggle, a tear, or a full body yes, don't keep it to yourself. Share the magic, leave a review, drop me a note, or send it to a fellow sacred rebel who needs it. And remember, your story is sacred, your desires are divine, and your mess is part of the masterpiece. Keep showing up, keep feeling it all, and keep turning your life into poetry. Until next time, stay wild, stay tender, and stay true to that beautiful soul of yours. All my love, Kristen.