Stop Losing Your Sh*t as a Mom (Mindfulness for Overstimulated Moms) with Kayce Hodos

Losing your shit as a mom is way more normal than people admit. I’m talking with Kayce Hodos about mindfulness, mom guilt, and how to handle those overwhelming moments without expecting yourself to be perfect.

In this episode:
0:00 Why losing your shit as a mom is more normal than you think
2:00 What mindfulness actually is (and why it’s not woo or complicated)
4:00 What to do in the exact moment you feel yourself about to snap
7:14 Why supporting the mom matters more than “fixing” the kid
12:00 The small shifts that actually make parenting feel easier day-to-day

Hang out with Kayce Hodos:
kaycehodos.com

Hang out with Deanna Seymour:
deannaseymour.com
instagram.com/thedeannaseymour

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Transcript

Deanna Seymour 0:04

Welcome to the Playhouse Collective podcast, where we hang out with all the brilliant business owners who are part of the Playhouse Collective, who are the people who make the Playhouse such an awesome hang space. And today I'm talking with Casey Hodo about how not to lose your shit as a mom. So hi Casey, how's it going? Hey Deanna. It's going okay. How are you? I'm good. I didn't officially read your bio yet, so I'm gonna do that. And now it's like awkward because you're sitting right here. Are you ready? Casey is ready. Perrinatal, mental health therapist and coach. She helps highly sensitive moms cope with their family's messes, moods, sounds, and smells without losing their shit. Casey, that's why we're such good friends. Because I'm a mom who I think is highly sensitive and who has lost her shit on occasion. So I can't wait. I really am so excited about this episode. Oh, I'm excited too.

Kayce Hodos 0:53

Who hasn't lost their shit? You know, like we gotta be real about it.

Deanna Seymour 0:57

True. Oh my gosh. That's also for anybody listening, that's my number one thing about you, Casey, that I also love. I mean, that made it sound like I have lots of things tied for first, which I guess is true. But you do keep it real. And the mom guilt, like you just never make me feel guilty for anything I do as a mom. Like I just feel like moms deal with so much like mom guilt that you make me feel like it's okay. I'm a person who happens to be raising humans, but I don't have to do it perfectly. So I love that.

Kayce Hodos 1:24

Totally. Yeah. And if I think um like losing your shit sometimes is just human. So we you know, and like of course it's natural to feel guilty because I think of like cultural expectations, but um, you know, like I mean, the guilt is also just a natural human thing, and we have to be able to just like feel the things and then move on and not just, you know, beat ourselves up so much. Like self-compassion is really important when you're a mom.

Deanna Seymour 1:52

Okay. So this actually, you it's like we prepared. You just led me to my first question. Because I'm like, yeah, but how? And you talk a lot about mindfulness, which is if people don't know you yet, you are not super woo, super hippie-ish. Like it's kind of funny sometimes to hear you talk about mindfulness. So if you cook, can you tell people like what you mean when you talk about mindfulness, what that looks like, and how that can kind of help overstimulated moms deal with life?

Kayce Hodos 2:19

Okay, that's my favorite question because I love it so much. Because mindfulness is not magical at all. It requires zero magical thinking. And you know how I feel about magic. Like, I'm good with a magic trick, but like I know that's shit's not real. So um, I love because mindfulness really is just being in the present moment, you know, using your letting your senses connect with your brain to tell it, calm down, you're safe right now. And our brains are just not good at that. Our brains are constantly trying to like get ahead and predict what's coming next to keep us safe. And so, you know, it goes our brains go a little bit haywire because like that's why we're all here, because our brains evolved to keep us safe. And it can sometimes interpret things like a screaming child as a threat. Um, when it's really not, you know, like children are supposed to scream, moms are supposed to lose our shit. And your brain's up there in your head, like, okay, let's figure this out. And so we're either most of the time, we're either preparing for what's next. So we're worrying, right, about the future, or we're beating ourselves up or worrying about something that's already happened. And neither of those things is in our control. So that's why mindfulness is really it's the key to everything. I'm not gonna say happiness because I don't even like really try to I try not to use that word, but like peace, you know, and confidence and just feeling like, okay, I'm cool, things are cool, just staying in the right now.

Deanna Seymour 3:52

So, how would you do that? Like your kid is screaming, you said get off your iPad, and they're pissed about it, and they're throwing a fit and your brain is freaking out, or you'd like quite frankly just want them to stop and they're not like one time someone said, Um, gentle parenting is easier if kids are gentle kidding. Like, I feel like your kid is not with the program and you're gonna lose your shit. So, like, how do you tap into that when you're so bonkers?

Kayce Hodos 4:19

Yeah. Um, okay, it's possible. What ideally we would prevent getting to that point, right? But we're gonna keep it real and we know that like we can't always prevent it. So we can talk a little bit about what is required to just have more bandwidth to deal with the tantrums and the you know the stuff in a second. But like, so if you're already in that moment, um again, like just tuning in with yourself right now, even though you're yelling with your toddler or the kid and like you're you're feeling like simmering like that, that those emotions are just coming up and you just want to throw the iPad and the kid maybe out the window. Um, but if you just take a second and try to, you know, I think a deep breath is helpful, you know, as long as I mean, sometimes you get so elevated that there's just there's just nothing. Like, you know, your your brain has gone, it's taken all of your rational thinking offline to protect you. So it's like, are we are we fighting? Are we fleeing? Are we freezing? Um, so anything you can do to just stop yourself and ask your ask yourself a question. Like, what is the worst that could happen right now? You know, if my kid keeps screaming, what's the worst that could happen? What if my kid never stops screaming? Okay, they're gonna stop screaming, right? No tantrum. I don't think there's a tantrum on record that is still happening. Like it always stops. But when we're in the middle of it, it feels like this is my life forever. Um, so reminding yourself, like using your senses, like, yeah, it's overwhelming. The the kid is screaming, but what's the threat? Nothing. Nothing. Is your kid safe? Maybe, yes, probably. Are you safe? Yes. Um, can you I mean, what can you really control in the moment? You can let it kind of just run its course. Um, if your kid is old enough to be left for a second in their room or like wherever you are, and for you to just get a change of scenery, you know, like I mean, if it's a baby, you can put them down somewhere where they're safe. Like toddlers, on the other hand, that's a little more difficult. But if there's something you can do to like break, you know, just kind of like break up that moment, you could even take the toddler outside, right? Like you could say, like, let's go outside and continue this conversation, or mom need us needs a second. So I'm gonna be hiding in the bathroom, or I'm gonna run outside for a second and get a breath of fresh air, or you know, like anything you can do. Older kids, they're probably fine to just leave them there. Um, so so I think I think change of change of scenery, get your, you know, that that helps you get grounded, like because you're in that moment and you can't even like you can't see beyond that. So, so getting outside, getting a cold drink, having a snack, you know, any of those things that just kind of like interrupts that that pattern um can be helpful. But really, like at the bottom of it, it's really just like telling yourself that like it's fine. It's fine that I yelled, it's fine if I didn't yell, it's fine if I change my mind and let my kid have their iPad for a little bit longer. Now, right, I'm not a parenting coach. So like take that, take that advice with a grain of salt. But like, um, we don't we don't want to feed into that, right? We don't want our kids to learn that like every time mom is frustrated, she's just gonna give in if I scream longer. But like case by case basis, it is okay if you are completely stimulated to let the kid have five more minutes of the iPad, you know, in the grand the big picture, like what harm is that doing?

Deanna Seymour 7:51

Yes. Um, I also just want to pause for a second because I love that you said you're not a parenting coach, because I think sometimes I would I am curious if you it's interesting to me because most parents I think are looking for like parenting coaches sometimes, but you are like the coach for the mom. Like, not that you don't care about the kids, but you're here to like help us, which is in turn gonna help our kids. But I think it's a quick like reframe because moms also fall into that trap of like everything is for our kids. Like, we're not buying new clothes, we're buying new clothes for our kids, we're doing this for our kids, we're doing this for our kids. So if you're struggling with parenting or momming, you could think like, oh, I need a parent coach, which is probably gonna put even more, maybe I'm just guessing, like more pressure on you to like make a chart or do the things or like even more perfectionism could come out. So, like, I just love the fact that you're like, I'm here for the moms. You know, it feels like it feels like better self-care than a like manicure or a massage. Even though you can totally get those two, it just feels like, oh my God, somebody cares about the moms. Like that's when I made that switch about what you do from like she helps moms with parenting or momming, like it still feels like it's like a child-led outcome, like some sort of outcome for the kid, but you really focus on the outcome for the moms. Is that right? Am I like saying that correctly?

Kayce Hodos 9:07

Totally. No, that's that's such a good point. Um, yeah, like I I think that a parent taking care of their own mental health and just taking care of themselves is a gift to your kid. Like it's going to have a knock-on effect of like, you know, if your kid grows up seeing you take care of yourself, they're gonna learn that like, oh, moms aren't just moms. Moms have, you know, things that they like to do. They have interests, they have hobbies that don't involve me. They have, you know, I think they, I think that kids learn a lot from like how you behave in a relationship. How do you show love? How do you um set boundaries? Like all the things that we are trying to do. Like, I meet moms where they are in that process and I help them because kids are gonna kid. Like most of the time, the thing that you are dealing with with your kid is a developmentally appropriate behavior. You know, I'm not saying like parenting coaches don't have their place. Like, yes, if you can hire all the support, do it all. Hire the parenting coach, but like also hire me. Because when that parenting coach is telling you like really good strategies for your tantrums or limiting your screen time with your kid or whatever, like setting those boundaries, you inside your head, what's going on, you're telling yourself, oh God, if I can't excel at every one of these things, then I'm gonna be a failure. And now I failed the parenting coach and my kid and myself. And it's just, you know, like I I feel like I can be in that um that space where like, you know, mom's mental health is important for not only for her, most importantly for her, but really for the whole family.

Deanna Seymour 10:46

Well, and like you answered your question. Yeah. Well, and I think as you were talking, I'm like, oh yeah, and like kids are sponges, they soak up like what we're doing. So even if I'm saying like it's okay to say no, but my daughter never sees me say no to anyone, she's gonna be like, Well, you said it was okay to say no, but you're constantly saying yes to neighbors. And honestly, like sometimes I focus on not saying yes all the time or changing my mind. I feel like I people please with my kids sometimes. Like sometimes it's because I just don't want to deal with the disappointment or you know, my kids are a little older, so it's not really tantrums, but there's sometimes pushback, and I'm like, you know what? And I and I do think in my head, like, I guess you could be on your iPad a little bit more. But then I also realize that I'm modeling the behavior of like, I said no, and then someone just like said, oh, can't please. And I was like, okay, fine, everything I said doesn't matter. Like, I'm just gonna do whatever you want me to do. So I don't know if that's a great example, but just like you're saying, like, even the mindfulness of like stepping away, taking a breath, changing the scenery, you're like also teaching them something, but you're also like doing it for yourself first. And I feel like it takes away the pressure of like also having to teach your kids these things because you're like using them for yourself. Does that make sense?

Kayce Hodos 11:54

Yeah, it does make sense. And I think the more we use those strategies, the less you will lose your shit. You know, like the more I mentioned like when when I when we started talking, I was talking about like prevention. And I know prevention is not sexy, but like I think it is really important. Um, and and all I'm talking about is like getting enough sleep, making sure you eat, like the all the things that moms are doing for their whole families, we are at the bottom of that list. And it's just, you know, and then that just feeds into more exhaustion and um overwhelm. And, you know, if you're not rested, then you have a your your your fuse is going to be even shorter. And so you will find that you're more irritable. And if you are highly sensitive, then that just that's another layer that makes even more challenging to um you know, because a lot of highly sensitive people need like maybe even more sleep or just more, you know, time for quiet and less stimulation and like turning down the volume and you know, like just kind of a calmer environment is better for us. Our world is not that way, so we do have to just adapt, but we just have to make sure that we're getting, we are like getting those needs um along the way, you know, like you can't have a whole day of quiet, but you can make sure that you can carve out a few minutes here and there for yourself and just you know, as and as long I think if we are prioritizing ourselves in like little ways, just you know, along the motherhood journey, then your brain gets used to that. You're training your brain, you're kind of rewiring it to think like, oh, like I deserve quiet time, I deserve rest, you know, and it's a signal that, yeah, go ahead.

Deanna Seymour 13:44

Well, no, I was just gonna say, why do you think moms in particular struggle to like allow ourselves to rest?

Kayce Hodos 13:51

I think it's cultural, you know. I think we we don't have well, and we don't have support, which is also a cultural thing. You know, I think at the root of all of these problems, probably every mental health problem is um some kind of societal issue that or a systemic problem that goes way back and it's much bigger than us sitting here talking about taking care of ourselves, you know, like there are moms who really don't have a second to take care of themselves. Um, and you know, if you are, you know, if you have the pressure of being the breadwinner, if you're a single mom, if you yeah, I don't know, like I just think like we if we are also very um, we tend to be distant from the people that could uh be our support network, you know, we're just kind of all spread out and we don't have that village. And I know like people are probably sick of hearing about it taking a village, but it just does. And your modern village, um, you may not have a lot of people, but you know, and sometimes we have to hire it out, and not everybody can do that. So it's I know it's very complicated. Um I think it's just we're hard on ourselves because of the messages that we've gotten from the culture we live in.

Deanna Seymour 15:07

Yes. And I think reframing it too as maybe you can't have a whole day, which would be ideal, but how can you carve out little spots here and there that would make it like maybe more doable for people? I also wanted to quickly circle back to like highly sensitive people or being overstimulated. I feel like when I learned as someone with ADHD, feeling overstimulated, like my daughter, um neither of my kids, I didn't like wearing my kids. Like I didn't want to wear them on me. I was like, uh, you just spent nine months in my inside of me. Get off, like, get off me, get in your stroller. I'm gonna push you. We're still gonna hang out, I'm still gonna feed you, it's gonna be amazing. But also it was like summertime, and I was just like, get the sweaty, hot baby off of me. And I felt really guilty about it. But now that I know what I know about ADHD and being overstimulated, like all that stuff, I'm like, oh, it was probably just me being overstimulated, like too hot, too much, too close. Get off. Uh, so can you talk a little bit about that for anybody who's never even like never heard of that or doesn't know that that's even a thing? Because you end up thinking, oh my gosh, I'm such a jerk. Like even now, my kids when they get too close, like reading a book, like I can't have you like on me. It's just a thing. I can't, I it's too much. You're in my bubble. They don't have to sit on the other side of the couch, but when they start like like climbing on me, I'm like, they can feel it. And they sort of know now.

Kayce Hodos 16:27

Especially at the end of the day, when like you are just done, right? Right. It's not that you never touch your kids, it's that you have limits and boundaries, and you want your kids to know how to tell somebody, no, I please don't hug me right now, or ever hug me, or get I this is my personal space, or I'm not comfortable with that. Can you please move? Or, you know, whatever, right? But you asked me about high sensitivity. And um, if uh anybody wants to look up um the woman that kind of like pioneered this whole idea and she did all the research on it. Her name is Elaine Aaron and her website website, I believe, is highly sensitive.org. Maybe. Um, maybe we can put that in the show notes or something. Um but um she so yeah, so high sensitivity is like it's not a diagnosis, it is not a um, it's not a disorder. Is there's nothing wrong with you. It's kind of like when you know that like, oh, I'm a little bit more introverted than extroverted. Like it's it's it's kind of like that. It's kind of a personality trait. Um, and I wish I had the statistics in front of me right now, but I because I can't remember how what proportion of people are highly sensitive. Probably a lot more than the stats show anyway, because you know, we're never like thinking about stuff like that. Because especially us in the United States, like it's just constant simulation everywhere, trying to get you to buy new things and listen to this and right. So, um, so it's just when you if you just feel like and maybe just thinking about your childhood, even like if you've always kind of been that kid who just was like, Oh, can we just like why is everything so bright? Or like, oh, like if you if you kind of startle easily. Um, and some of the stuff kind of overlaps with introversion, but not every highly sensitive person is an introvert, and not every introvert is highly sensitive, but there is a like a correlation there. Um, but you know, if uh if loud, bright um things when there's a lot of stuff going on, if a lot of people are talking at once and you're just like, I can't hear anything right now. Um, if you just find that you feel exhausted after um being out in a crowd with a lot of things going on, you know, it's it's so like um moms who complain of being touched out, like what you were kind of describing, that like you just have your kid on you all the time, like they're constantly, and before they learn how to talk, like that's all that's how they can communicate with you, like the crying and like grabbing you, pulling your hair, like holding on to you, hold me, hold me. Like, oh, it is just endless. And by the end of a day like that, like especially like stay-at-home moms who do that all day, um, it's it could it just feels overwhelming and like you can almost feel um just like fatigue from it all. And you know, a lot of I think a lot of things come from that being that that that sensitivity that maybe um presents as something else, like headaches or you know, like there's a lot of like physical things that manifest, and really it's like that your emotional needs aren't being met. Um so yeah, and there's I mean, there's it's really interesting. Um, if anybody loves a rabbit hole, Google high sensitivity and there you go. Um, and she's even written, Elaine Aaron has written more books too, like there's a highly sensitive parent because a lot of the a lot of people don't realize how or even that they are highly sensitive until they become a parent because they have been maybe in maybe they just had more control over their environment, you know. And then all of a sudden they don't. They cannot go to sleep when they want to go to sleep. They, you know, like they are you have this little cave person that is your new boss, and right, and then you're just like, okay, well, my life's over. Everything is like all the toys that babies have make so much noise, and it's they're constantly running out of batteries, and you're having to like like it is just it's endless. And so the stimulation is is just it's overwhelming. So I think learning about um, you know, traits like that, like maybe you are highly and just learning about it and recognizing that. I mean, who doesn't love to learn about themselves? You know, like a like there's even a little quiz on the highly sensitive uh website um where you can identify yourself. And I think that that's just reassuring, right? Like there's something I'm not broken because I hate this stupid lawnmower toy that my mom gave my kid. Like I am just sensitive to it. And so we just have to, we have needs and we have to make sure that our families know, not to like cater to our sensitivity, but just to be aware that like this is a thing. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be bad.

Deanna Seymour 21:09

Yes. Yes. Like if I don't want my kids climbing on me, it doesn't mean I don't love them. I feel like I just say, oh, it's like too, it feels it's too much for me. It's it's too much. Um, yeah. I love that. Okay. I think we're gonna wrap it up soon, but I don't want to miss anything. If there's something that we like touched on that you're like, wait, I wanted to say something about something. Is there anything we missed?

Kayce Hodos 21:32

Uh, just that like I I want people to not feel pressured about any of the things that, you know, like we were talking about how parenting coaches can just tell you a bunch of things that now it's like more stuff added to your plate. Like mindfulness is not something to add to your to do list. You know, it is not something that you are going to conquer and make it a plus in. You know, it is something, it is a practice. And so remember. that you can always begin again. Like that's a big mindfulness kind of like mantra. You know, like start over. You know, you have this moment and then this one and then another one's coming after that. Right.

Deanna Seymour 22:12

There's always time. Your kids are going to give you a lot of practice. Like it's not going to be the last your last chance to practice mindfulness is not going to be ever over. Yeah.

Kayce Hodos 22:21

I tell I tell my clients that all the time like kids are a wonderful mindfulness tool because you know when they are in your face and they need you like you have to be in the present moment. There isn't anywhere else to be. Yeah. Um so yeah so practicing just you know kind of like remembering that anything can be a mindful moment. It doesn't have to be like meditation or deep breathing. It can be like just reminding yourself like what am I what am I doing right now? Right. What am I smelling, seeing, touching, hearing right now that's and that is connecting with the present.

Deanna Seymour 22:54

Okay. Well now I have a question. One more question popped up. Would it still count as mindfulness? Let's say speaking for a friend of course I'm not talking about myself just kidding um you lost your shit on your kids and then you're like oh my gosh I just lost my shit on you. Like they probably lost their shit on you and it was like kind of a little explosion. And we've talked about this before where sometimes I'm like ooh then there's like the moment where we can I can like discuss it with my kid who is my kids are six and nine now. So um easier with the nine year old right than the six year old but certainly easier with a six year old than a two year old. So it gets easier but um does it still count as mindfulness or would you categorize that as like kind of being in the past but then I I kind of like when I get to I mean I guess the goal would be like don't lose your shit in the first place. But sometimes I think talking it out with my kids helps me the next time something happens. Does that make sense?

Kayce Hodos 23:46

Yes yes and I know we have a question that came in about repairing or or maybe it was just a comment um but yeah like um the repair is happening in that moment you know so you aren't reliving the past when you bring up what happened you're just looking for a better moment to for the repair to happen. You know so if it so if you need to talk about like hey mom yelled this morning um when everybody was getting ready for school and I'm I'm sorry. I'm a little tired and um I'm we're really working on not doing that. But I wanted to just let you know that you know mom's human and sometimes I have big feelings like you have your big feelings and I love you all the time even if I'm upset by something that you know that's happening. And so so you know like that's still in that's still the present. You know you're not using the past like some boomers may have done um still bringing it up like 20 years later that you you know school that time. I don't know where I got that example but um yeah it just came to me um you're not using the past as ammunition you know you're not manipulating your kid like remember when you freaked out um on the way to school that day I don't want that to happen again or you're you know like right like is that is that answering your question yeah it is it is um complicated because with parenting we are always trying to like find the less in the thing that happened so a lot of parenting is like reflecting on what happened before and that's okay that's okay to reflect like it's not you can't be mindful 247 you just can't um but using the present to recover from something that happened um is I think it I think that counts as mindfulness.

Deanna Seymour 25:32

Okay. Well and in your example you were like oh I yelled because I was like tired which would be a clue to do the rest that we were talking about earlier. So even sometimes maybe talking it out would help you be like oh let me also kind of reflect on this and move forward in a way that would maybe alleviate some of that happening in the future without any pressure.

Kayce Hodos 25:49

Yeah yes and you're reinforcing with your child that like rest and self-care and compassion are all important. So yeah I it's all kind of like tied together. And we have to just say we have to just talk about it right like I grew up in the 80s where it was just like you just do what you're told because I said so you know shut your mouth go ride your bike I don't want to see you around here till dinner time you know if if we're even having dinner tonight. I'm just kidding. Yeah it wasn't that bad. If you don't and and I think we've and maybe we've overcorrected a little bit and now we're just all about you know that's the word gentle parenting I think comes from like overcorrecting for all of our childhoods but um it's like somewhere in the middle it's just a healthy you know we're gonna talk about what happened we're gonna process it together going to try to do better and move on.

Deanna Seymour 26:36

I love that. And it takes the pressure off us to be perfect and have it all figured out. Okay. We are gonna wrap it up. So tell the people where they can find more about you and all the amazing things you do.

Kayce Hodos 26:47

Well I would love for you to visit my website caseyhodas.com I have a couple of private podcasts that are just for moms um particularly postpartum moms and expectant parents um so um yeah you can find me there and uh you can read about my services um I do voxer coaching which is perfect for kind of like what we were talking about today like the day-to-day momming stuff that happens um the asynchronous type of like support is really helpful for that kind of thing where you you know a lot of shit happened and then you're like well I got to save it up for my session next week um with voxer coaching you don't have to save it up you can just you know message me in the moment and you know I'm there to you know I got you.

Deanna Seymour 27:33

All right we are going to move into our live QA for the folks who showed up here in the Playhouse live or people who submitted questions before and so the replay of this special live QA that's about to take place will live inside the Playhouse. So if you want to learn more about where we're hanging out right now head over to jointheplayhouse.com and we'll see you there