Embracing Mutual Brokenness

How Humility, Grace, and Truth Strengthen Your Marriage and Defeat the Enemy

Most marriages don’t fall apart overnight…They erode—slowly, quietly—when pride replaces humility and grace disappears. In this episode of The Making of a Man, we dive into the powerful and often misunderstood concept of mutual brokenness—what it means, what it doesn’t mean, and why it is essential for both husband and wife.

Grounded in Romans 3:23, this conversation unpacks the truth that both spouses stand equally in need of God’s grace—and how embracing that reality can transform your marriage from a place of tension and division into one of healing, trust, and unity. You’ll learn:

• What mutual brokenness really looks like in a biblical marriage 
• Why it does not excuse sin—but changes how we address it 
• How pride, defensiveness, and blame quietly destroy connection 
• The enemy’s strategy to divide your marriage—and how to fight back 
• What happens when one spouse refuses humility—and how to respond 
• Practical steps to build a culture of grace, truth, and growth in your home 

Featuring insights from trusted voices like Timothy Keller and Craig Groeschel, this episode challenges you to stop focusing on your spouse’s flaws—and start surrendering your own heart before God. Because marriage isn’t about finding the right person…It’s about becoming the right person—together. If you’re ready to move your marriage from frustration to transformation…from division to unity…This episode is your battle plan.

The Making of a Man is a Christian podcast equipping men to become who God designed them to be—through biblical leadership, spiritual warfare, marriage, fatherhood, healing, purpose, and Christ-centered masculinity. 

Transcript

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Welcome back to the making of a man. If you've been walking with us through this battle plan series, again, I just want to say I'm glad you're here. These are not surface level conversations, brothers. We're getting into the real struggles, the real pressures, and the real calling of what it means to live as a man of God. And if this is your first time here, whether you're a husband or a wife, a man or a woman, I want to welcome you as well. This podcast is about growth. It's about healing. It's about stepping into the man God has called you to be. Not perfectly, but intentionally. And today we're talking about something that can either strengthen our marriages or slowly tear them apart if it's ignored. We're talking about mutual brokenness. What it really means, what it doesn't mean when it comes to sin, and why it is absolutely critical for both husband and wife, not just one, to embrace it. We're going to look at how this shapes our marriages, how the enemy fights against it, and what happens when one or both of us refuse to walk in it. And most importantly, how embracing mutual brokenness can move your marriage from division and frustration to unity, healing, and transformation under God. Most marriages don't break in a single moment. They don't usually collapse because of one big failure, one big argument, or one defining event. No, most marriages erode slowly, quietly, over time. It starts in the small places. Unspoken frustration, unaddressed wounds, little moments where grace could have stepped in, but didn't. And before long something begins to shift. You stop looking inward and you start looking outward. You stop asking, where am I falling short? And you start asking, what's wrong with them? And that's where the root issue begins. Because when one or both spouses stop acknowledging their own brokenness and start focusing only on the other person's flaws, everything changes. Pride begins to rise, grace begins to disappear, and whether you realize it or not, the enemy starts gaining ground. Not all at once, but inch by inch, conversation by conversation, reaction by reaction, wall by wall. And before long, you've done something you never intended to do. You've given the enemy a seat at your table. Not because you wanted to, but because pride made room for him. Because every time grace is withheld, every time offense is held on to, every time brokenness is denied, a chair gets pulled out, and the enemy takes a seat. And now the enemy isn't just attacking from the outside, he's influencing from within, whispering division, reinforcing frustration, magnifying offenses, all while you think you're justified, and that's how marriages don't just drift, they slowly become divided from the inside out. Until once was a place of unity, becomes a place of tension, distance, and division. And here's the hard truth. It doesn't take two people to start that process. It only takes one. One heart that hardens, one spirit that refuses to bend, one person who says, I'm not the problem. But let me ask you something. What if the strength of your marriage is not found in getting everything right? What if it's not found in being the better spouse or proving your point or fixing the other person? What if the real strength of your marriage is found in something most people spend their entire lives trying to avoid? Brokenness. Not just your spouse's, but yours. And not just individually, but together. Today we're going to talk about what it means to embrace mutual brokenness and why it might be the very thing that restores your marriage, strengthens your unity, and pushes the enemy out of places he never should have had access to in the first place. So, all right, let's define this clearly because if we misunderstand this, we misuppy everything that follows. And Scripture, as always, lays the foundation for us. Romans 3.23 tells us, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. All means all, not some, not the weaker spouse, not just the one who messed up last, all. Which means this when you step into marriage, you are not stepping in as a two complete people who have it all together. You are stepping in as two people who both fall short, both carry weakness, and both are in need of God's grace every single day. That is the starting point of mutual brokenness. Mutual brokenness is this, both husband and wife recognizing honestly and humbly, I am a sinner in need of grace, and so are you. Not as an excuse, but as a posture. And when that posture is real, it begins to shape how you see everything. And it shows up in three key ways. First, imperfection. You walk into the relationship understanding I am not the finished product. And you stop expecting perfection from yourself and you stop demanding it from your spouse. Second is vulnerability. You stop pretending, you stop hiding behind strength, image, or control, and you become willing to say, This is where I struggle, this is where I fall short. And third is empathy. You begin to see your spouse differently, not as the enemy, not as the problem, but as someone who, just like you, is navigating weakness, wounds, and the effects of sin in a broken world. And that changes how you respond. And now let me say this clearly: this is not just a message for men. Yes, men you are called to lead, but you are not called to lead from a place of pride. And wives, you are not spectators in this. You are called into the same posture of humility, repentance, and surrender to God. Because Romans 3.23 doesn't separate the roles that levels the ground at the cross. Both husband and wife, equally in need of grace, equally responsible before God. Leadership does not mean exemption from brokenness, it means you go first in acknowledging this. And this is where this becomes so powerful. Because as Timothy Kellner teaches so clearly in his work on marriage, marriage is not about finding the right person. It's about learning to love a flawed person. And that changes everything. Because when two broken people come together, if they're chasing happiness, they'll constantly be disappointed. But if they understand God's design, they begin to see that marriage is not primarily about personal fulfillment, it's about transformation. God uses the relationship to expose what's in you and to refine what's in you and to shape you into the image of Christ. And that only works when both people are willing to embrace their own brokenness. So hear this mutual brokenness shifts marriage from personal fulfillment to Christ-like formation. And once you understand that, you stop asking, how can this marriage make me happy? And you start asking, how is God using this marriage to change me? Now let's bring some clarity here, because this is where a lot of people get this wrong. When we talk about mutual brokenness, some people hear that and think, so we just overlook everything, we don't deal with sin, we just accept whatever happens. No, that's not biblical, and that's not what we're talking about. Mutual brokenness is not excusing sin, it's not ignoring sin, and it's not avoiding accountability. Let me say it as clearly as I can. Just because we are both sinners does not mean sin is acceptable. God has never lowered his standard, holiness still matters, truth still matters, righteousness still matters. So if the question isn't if sin should be addressed in marriage, the question is how it's addressed. Because mutual brokenness changes the posture, not the standard. Instead of addressing sin with pride, we address it with humility. Instead of attacking, we restore. Instead of controlling, we come alongside. That's why voices like Craig Groschel emphasize this so well. Confrontation is not about control, it's about restoration. And that's a shift a lot of people need to make. Because when confrontation comes from pride, it sounds like accusation, it feels like attack. It turns into you always, you never, why can't you just? And now the goal isn't healing, it's winning. It's proving a point, it's gaining the upper hand, it's forcing change. But when confrontation flows from mutual brokenness, everything changes. Now it sounds like hey, I see something that's hurting us. I care about you too much to ignore this. I'm not coming at you, I'm coming along beside you. Do you hear the difference? One tears down, the other builds up. One creates distance, the other invites connection. Because restoration says, I'm not here to control you, I'm here to fight for us. And that's the heart behind biblical confrontation, not silence, not avoidance, not harsh correction, but truth carried with grace. From a heart remembers, I'm in need of that same grace too. And that's a completely different mindset, brothers, because when brokenness is embraced, you don't approach your spouse like a prosecutor trying to win a case. You approach them like a partner fighting for healing. And this applies to both sides. Husbands, this means you are not allowed to dominate, dismiss, or shut your wife down when something needs to be addressed. Leadership is not control, it is not intimidation, and it is not silence. In wives, this also means you are not allowed to justify sin, avoid responsibility, or withhold in ways that create distance and division. Again, this goes both ways because mutual brokenness means both people are accountable to God. Both people are responsible for their actions, and both people are called to grow. But here's where the power is. When grace is present, accountability doesn't disappear. It transforms, it becomes safer, it becomes honest, it becomes redemptive instead of destructive. So hear this clearly. So now let's talk about why this matters. Because this isn't theoretical. This shows up in the everyday reality of your marriage. Because when mutual brokenness is absent, you feel it, you see it, and you live in it. Without mutual brokenness, marriage starts to look like this scorekeeping. I did this, you didn't, I've changed, you haven't. It looks like defensiveness where every conversation turns into protection mode, where walls go up instead of hearts opening, and we're shifting blame. It's always their fault, always their issue, always their responsibility to fix. And over time, that leads to emotional distance. You're still in the same house, but you're no longer connected. Still married, but no longer unified. That's what happens when brokenness is denied. But when mutual brokenness is embraced, everything begins to shift. Now you start seeing healing because honesty opens the door for God to work. You see growth because you're no longer stuck defending yourself. You're willing to change. There's trust because it becomes safe to be known again, and there's deeper intimacy, not just surface-level connection, but real spiritual emotional closeness. And this is where we have to understand something foundational. Marriage was never designed just to make you happy, it was designed to make you holy. As Timothy Keller teaches so clearly, marriage exists to shape you into the image of Christ. That means your marriage will expose things in you, it will challenge you, it will stretch you, it will refine you. And without mutual brokenness, you will resist that process. You'll protect yourself instead of surrendering. But when you embrace brokenness, you begin to see your marriage differently. Not as a place where your need should always be met, but as a place where God is doing his deepest work in you. And this becomes especially important when the relationship has been strained, when trust has been damaged, when wounds are still present, because intimacy doesn't just magically return, it has to be rebuilt. And that's where voices like Greg Smalley bring clarity. He teaches that emotional intimacy is restored through three things honesty, compassion, and faith in the hard places. In other words, you don't avoid the pain, you walk through it together. And that only happens when both people are willing to say, I'm broken too, and I'm not running from that anymore. That's where connection is rebuilt. That's where trust is restored. And here's the principle you need to hold on to. One humble spouse can shift the marriage, but two humble spouses can transform it. That's the difference. Because when both husband and wife step into humility, grace increases, walls come down, and unity begins to take root again. And we see this pattern all throughout scripture. David, after his sin, didn't defend himself, he broke before God, as seen in Psalm 51. See it in Peter after denying Jesus, he was crushed, but that brokenness led to restoration in Luke 22. And then there's the prodigal son, when he came to the end of himself, he returned in humility and was restored, as seen in Luke 15. Every one of these stories carries the same thread, brokenness that leads to restoration, not perfection, not self-justification, brokenness. And when that becomes the culture inside of marriage, that's when things begin to change in ways that nothing else can produce. Now let's talk about the war. Because whether people realize it or not, marriage is a battleground. Not against each other, but against an enemy who is actively working to divide what God has called to be one. And here's the reality you need to understand. The enemy is not attacking your marriage because it's perfect. He's attacking it because of its potential for unity, because unity is powerful. Unity reflects God, and unity creates strength. Unity shuts down division. And that's exactly what he's after. So when we talk about mutual brokenness, we're not just talking about a relationship principle. We're talking about a battle plan. Because mutual brokenness does three things the enemy hates. It destroys pride, it weakens offense, and it strengthens unity. And if he can keep that from happening, he can keep your marriage stuck. So what does he do? His strategy is simple but effective. He gets you to focus on your spouse's sin. He blinds you to your own, and then he convinces you that you're justified in how you feel, that you're right, that they're the problem, that your reaction makes sense. And once that takes root, division begins, distance grows, and unity starts to fracture. Now here's where it gets even more strategic. He doesn't attack men and women the same way. He studies our vulnerabilities. For men, it often shows up as pride, and we say, I'm not wrong, or passivity, I'm just not going to engage in this. Or control, I'll force the outcome instead of leading with humility. And for women, it often shows up as bitterness as you hold on to hurt or withdrawal, pulling back emotionally, or in guardedness, where we're building walls instead of staying open. Different expressions, but the same result. Disconnection, division, isolation. And here's the truth you need to catch. The enemy doesn't need both of you divided, just one. That's all it takes. One heart that hardens, one spirit that refuses to humble itself, and now the marriage is no longer unified. And this is exactly how the enemy works. He doesn't just attack your marriage from the outside. He looks for an invitation. And most of the time he finds it in pride. Because the moment you stop embracing your own brokenness and start focusing only on your spouse, you don't just open a door, you give him a seat at your table. And once he's there, he doesn't stay quiet. He starts shaping how you see things. He distorts your perspective. He fuels your frustrations and he convinces you you are right and they're the problem. And now you're not just dealing with conflict, you're dealing with influence. So what's the counterattack? Because you don't win this fight by trying to fix your spouse. You win it by taking responsibility for your own heart. It starts with personal repentance. God, show me where I'm wrong. Then humility. Not waiting, not demanding, they go first, you go first. And then shared surrender, both husband and wife coming under the authority of God instead of fighting for position with each other. And this is where the bigger picture comes in. Organizations like the Biblical Counseling Coalition talk about this in terms of being broken but not hopeless. Because when God is in the center, marriage becomes what scripture describes as a three-chord rope: husband, wife, and God. And Ecclesiastes tells us that cord is not easily broken. But here's the key. That strength only exists when both are willing to stay connected to Him. Because the moment pride takes over, that third chord gets ignored. And when that happens, the enemy doesn't have to work nearly as hard. So understand this. Mutual brokenness isn't a weakness in the fight, it's how you win it. Here's something else we need to bring into focus. Because this isn't about just what works in marriage. This is about what God requires. Mutual brokenness is not a suggestion, it's not a personality type, it's not something reserved for the more mature believer. This is obedience. And when we refuse to embrace it, Scripture is very clear about what it actually is. It's pride. In Proverbs 16, 18 it says, Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. We're told by Jesus in Matthew 19:8, it's a hardness of heart. And Jesus said that division, even divorce, comes from the hardness of the heart. And it's spiritual blindness. Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There's more hope for a fool than for him, as it tells us in Proverbs 26, 12. So when someone says, I'm not the problem, I don't need to change, this is all on them, that's not strengths, that's a warning sign. Because the moment you stop seeing your own brokenness, you step out of alignment with God. And when that happens inside a marriage, it creates a spiritual imbalance. Now let's be real about what it looks like. If it's the husband who refuses, leadership becomes distorted. It can turn harsh, controlling, or completely passive. Instead of leading with humility, he either dominates or disappears. And if it's the wife who refuses, unity begins to strain. Walls go up, guardiness sets in, and connection starts to break down. Instead of walking in openness and trust, there's resistance, distance, and protection. Different expressions, but the same root, pride. And the same outcome, this connection, because hear this clearly you cannot have oneness without humility. It just doesn't work. Marriage was designed as a covenant, two people becoming one. But pride turns that covenant into a competition. I'm right, you're wrong. I deserve, you don't. And the moment that mindset takes over, the unity begins to fracture, spiritual growth stalls, connection weakens, and isolation starts to take hold. And yet, even here, God's pattern hasn't changed. Because throughout scripture, we see this over and over again. God restores the one who is willing to be broken before him. Voices like Craig Stevens emphasize this truth. God doesn't work through pride, he works through surrender, through humility, through repentance. So if even one spouse refuses, God is still watching the one who chooses obedience. And he honors that. But don't miss this. Refusing mutual brokenness doesn't just affect your spouse, it affects your relationship with God. Because when you resist humility, you resist the very process God uses to transform you. So this isn't just about saving your marriage. This is about staying aligned with God. And now let's step into the hard reality. What happens when this isn't mutual? What happens when you're willing to be humble, willing to own your own brokenness, willing to grow, but your spouse isn't? Because that's real. Whether it's the husband or wife. And for some of you listening right now, that's exactly where you are. You're trying, you're leaning in, you're asking God to change you, and it feels like they're resisting everything. So what do you do? First, let's be clear about what you don't do. You don't force it, you don't manipulate it, and you don't take on the role that only God can carry. You are not the Holy Spirit. You cannot convict their heart, you cannot force repentance, and you cannot control their response. But you are responsible for one thing, your obedience. And Scripture gives us a clear path here. Jesus says in Matthew 7, before you focus on the speck in someone else's eye, examine your own. Not because their issues don't matter, but because your heart matters first. So you start there. You stay in a posture of self-reflection. God, show me where I'm still broken. Show me where I still need to grow. Then you set healthy boundaries because humility does not mean enabling sin. It doesn't mean accepting destructive behavior, and it does not mean you ignore what's harmful. Even Jesus set boundaries with people who refuse truth. So you can walk in grace and still stand in truth. And then this is the hardest part, you release them to God. You stop trying to be their fixer, you stop carrying what isn't yours to carry, and you trust that God is working in ways you may not see. Scripture points to this in first Peter three that sometimes transformation doesn't come through words, but through consistent, godly character, through quiet strength, through faithful obedience, and hear this. Just because it's not mutual does not mean it's meaningless. God sees your humility, he sees your obedience, and he honors it. Not always in the timing you want, not always in the way you expect, but he honors it. So if you're in a place where your spouse isn't meeting you in this, don't lose heart. Don't harden your heart in response. Don't step out of alignment just because they are. Because the moment you do, the enemy wins twice. Instead, you stay steady, you stay surrendered, you stay obedient. Because even if only one person is walking in brokenness, God can still begin to shift the atmosphere of that marriage. And sometimes that's where restoration begins. Now let's bring this back to God's design because this is where everything comes into alignment. Marriage was never meant to be sustained by one spiritually mature person carrying the weight for two. That's not the design, that's survival. God's design for marriage is mutual participation under his authority, not competition, not control, not independence, alignment. Scripture lays this out clearly. The husband is called to love sacrificially, to lead with humility, to lay his life down as Christ did, and the wife is called to respond with respect, with willingness, with a heart that is open to unity under God. But hear this, this is not about superiority. This is not about being one being more important than the other. This is about both being submitted to the same Lord. Because the moment either one steps out of that posture, the design begins to break down. If the husband leads without humility, it becomes control or passivity. If the wife responds without humility, it becomes resistance or withdrawal. But when both step into God's design, everything begins to function the way it was intended. Leadership becomes safe, response becomes willing, and unity becomes possible. This is why mutual brokenness is so critical, because it is the intersection point where leadership and submission meet at the cross. It's where both husband and wife say I don't come into this role perfect, I come into it surrendered. And again, this is exactly what voices like Timothy Keller emphasize so powerfully that marriage reflects the gospel, not because one person gets it right, but because both are being transformed day by day, moment by moment. God is using the relationship to shape both hearts, to refine both lives, to bring both closer to him. And here's the truth you need to hold on to. When only one person embraces brokenness, the marriage can still shift. But when both do, the marriage begins to reflect something eternal. Not just love, but covenant, not just connection, but Christ. So don't settle for one sided growth, don't settle for one person carrying the weight. God's design calls both husband and wife to step into humility, to step into surrender, and to walk this out together. So all right, let's make this practical. Because this can't just stay at the level of understanding. This has to move into how you actually live it out. So whether you're a husband or a wife listening right now, here's the question. What does it look like to walk in mutual brokenness with this week? Let's break it down. First, we start with self-reflection. Before you say a word to your spouse, go before God and ask, Where am I broken? Where am I defensive? Where am I blind? Because real change in a marriage doesn't start with fixing them, it starts with examining you. Second, we need to go first in humility. Don't wait, don't sit back thinking, I'll change when they change, because that's pride disguised as patience. Leadership, especially for men, means you go first. But this applies to both of you. Say I was wrong. I need to grow. I see where I've contributed to this. That kind of humility shifts things fast. Third, we need to practice honest confession. This is where vulnerability becomes real. Not surface level, not not deflecting, but honest. Without excuses, without blame shifting. Confession creates space for healing, but only when it's real. Fourth, we need to communicate with grace and truth. Say what needs to be said, but how you say it matters. Truth without grace feels like attack. Grace without truth avoids growth. You need both. So when you address something, speak truth clearly, carry it with humility, and stay anchored in love. Fifth, we need to create a safe environment for growth. Your marriage should be a place where brokenness can be revealed, not punishment. Ask yourself, does my spouse feel safe being honest with me? Or do they feel like they have to protect themselves? Because if honesty is met with anger or defensiveness or shutdown, brokenness will go underground and growth will stop. Finally, and most importantly, we need to stay submitted to God first. This is the anchor for everything. Mutual brokenness only works when both people are ultimately submitted to God. Not their emotions, not their expectations, not their frustrations, but to Him. Because when both husband and wife are aligned with under God, they stop fighting for position and start fighting for unity. So here's the challenge I want to leave you with this week. Before your next disagreement, before your next hard conversation, before your next moment of tension, pause and ask yourself, what does humility look like for me right now? Not for them, but for you. Because that one question can change everything. And when both husband and wife begin to live that out, that's when mutual brokenness stops being an idea and starts becoming a culture inside your marriage. Men, lean in for a minute. Some of you have been fighting hard for your marriage, but you've been fighting the wrong battle. You've been trying to fix your wife, prove your point, hold your ground, and all the while God has been calling you to something deeper. Not control, not perfection, humility. Because the strongest man in the kingdom is not the one who hides his weakness, it's the one who brings it into the light, lays it before God and leads from that place. So men, this is your charge. Go first, not in dominance, but in repentance, not in control, but in surrender. Lead your home by being the first to say, I was wrong, I need God, I'm willing to change. That's strength, that's leadership. And wives, hear this too. You're not on the sidelines for this. God has called you into the same posture to walk in humility, to release bitterness, to stay open even when it's hard, because your obedience matters just as much as your husband's. And when both husband and wife step into that space, something powerful happens. The marriage stops being a battlefield against each other and becomes a united front against the enemy. Grace begins to flow, walls begin to fall, and God begins to restore what pride once tried to destroy. So as you step back into your world this week, your home, your conversations, your moments of tension, go with this understanding. You are not fighting for control, you are fighting for unity. You are not fighting your spouse, you are fighting for your marriage. And the way you win that fight is not through strength as the world defines it, but through surrender. So here's what this comes down to. Every moment in your marriage, you're making a decision. Will you make room for pride or you will you make room for grace? Because one leads to unity and the other pulls up a chair for the enemy. So don't give him a seat, not in your thoughts, not in your words, not in your home. Shut that door with humility, guard it with grace, and fight for the unity God designed your marriage to carry. Marriage is not the union of two whole people. It is the covenant of two broken people being made whole by God. Mutual brokenness is not weakness, it is the foundation of true strength. You are not fighting your spouse, you are fighting for unity, and unity is where God's power rests. So stay alert, stand firm, lead with humility, walk in obedience, and never forget, brokenness in the hands of God becomes strength. Before we close this out, I want to take you one step further. Because what we talked about today, mutual brokenness, sets the stage for something we cannot ignore in marriage, and that's forgiveness. Because here's the truth, you cannot walk in mutual brokenness and hold on to unforgiveness at the same time. You can't stay humble while carrying bitterness. You can't build unity while resentment is quietly growing beneath the surface. So next week we're going to step into that conversation. What does God actually say about forgiveness? What does unforgiveness do, not just to your marriage, but to your heart? How do bitterness and resentment take root? And how do you uproot them before they destroy what God is trying to build? Because if mutual brokenness is the doorway, forgiveness is what keeps the relationship alive. So don't miss that. And now as we close, as you step back into your world this week, your home, your work, your marriage, your friendships, go with this understanding. A man of God is a man of war, but he is never without a commander, he is never alone, he is never without a calling, and never without the victory Christ has already secured. Remember, you are not fighting for victory, you are standing from it. So stay alert, stand firm, lead with courage, protect what matters most, and walk not in your own strength, but in the strength that only Jesus provides. Until next time, brothers, keep training, keep growing, and keep becoming the man God created you to be. This is our battle plan. This is our calling. This is the making of a man.