Loved While You Were Still Broken

How God’s Love Transforms You—and Refines Your Marriage

What if the struggle in your marriage isn’t a sign something is wrong… but a sign God is doing something in you?

In this episode, we go deep into one of the most foundational truths of the Christian life: God’s love is not based on your performance—it’s based on His character. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. And that kind of love doesn’t just save us… it transforms us. But here’s where it gets real—the way you receive God’s love is the way you give it in your marriage.

Walking through powerful Scriptures like Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:10, Ephesians 2:4–5, Psalm 103:10–12, Romans 8:38–39, and 1 Corinthians 13:4–7, this episode exposes the gap between how we’ve been loved… and how we actually love.

You’ll also uncover:

• Why we struggle to love with patience, grace, and forgiveness 
• How pride, fear, control, and unforgiveness create distance in marriage 
• What Philippians 4:13 really means for daily life and relationships 
• Why God’s purpose for marriage is not just happiness—but holiness 
• How marriage becomes a tool God uses to refine your character and deepen your faith 

This is more than a message about love:

• It’s a call to transformation.
• A call to leadership.
• A call to live from the love you’ve already been given.

Because you are not fighting for love…You are living from it.

The Making of a Man is a Christian podcast equipping men to become who God designed them to be—through biblical leadership, spiritual warfare, marriage, fatherhood, healing, purpose, and Christ-centered masculinity. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the Making of a Man. If you've been walking with us through this Battle Plan series, I just want to say thank you and I'm glad you're here. As always, these are not surface level conversations that we have. We're talking about the real struggles that we go through, the real pressures, and the real calling of what it means to live as a man of God. And if this is your first time with us today, I want to say thank you for joining us and I welcome you as well. This podcast is about growth. It's about healing, it's about stepping into the man God has called you to be. Not perfectly, but intentionally. So let's get started with our next episode. Most men don't struggle with whether God loves people. They struggle with whether He truly loves them. Because deep down, a lot of men are carrying things shame, regret, past decisions, things they wish they could undo, things they buried, things they've never said out loud, and over time, whether they realize it or not, that weight starts shaping how they see themselves. And more importantly, how they believe God sees them. So even if they know the truth in their head, there's still this quiet question underneath it all. Does God really love me after everything I've done? And if we're being honest, some of you don't just question it. You've already decided you probably shouldn't. And I'll be honest with you, this is something, not just something I've taught, this is something that I've struggled with, that I've wrestled with. And there have been seasons in my life and times when I've looked back at my decisions, my struggles, my pains, and the way I've hurt people, the way I've hurt God. And I've asked that same question, how could God love me after all that? Not in theory, not in a sermon, but in real life, in quiet moments when I'm all alone with my thoughts and there's nowhere to hide. And the danger is when you believe that lie long enough, you don't just question God's love. You start living like it's limited. And somewhere along the way, that question turns into a belief. God loves me, but not like that, not fully, not after what I've done. But here's the question, brothers. What if that's not true? What if God's love isn't based on your performance, but on his character? And what if the way you understand that love is shaping more than just your relationship with Him? What if it's shaping how you show up in your marriage, how you respond when things get hard, how you handle conflict, how you forgive, how you lead. Because the way you receive love will always determine the way you give it. So let's start here, because if we're going to understand God's love correctly, we have to go back, back to where it begins. And our beginning always starts with God's word. In Romans 5.8, it tells us, but God demonstrates his own love for us in this. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Don't miss what that says. It doesn't say after you got your life together, it doesn't say once you clean things up, and it doesn't say when you finally become consistent. It says, while you are still a sinner, right in the middle of your mess. Which means God didn't wait for you to fix your life while you were still struggling, while you were still mired in the mud, while you were still making decisions you regret, while you were still living in ways that didn't honor him. That's when he moved toward you when all this was happening. And this is where so many men get it wrong. We think God's love is something we earn, something we prove ourselves worthy of, something we grow into. But Scripture makes it clear, God's love is something He initiates. God didn't love a future version of you or me. He loved us at our worst. So if you're still carrying that question, how could God love me after everything I've done? This is your answer. He already did. He already loved you. And that's something I've had to come to terms with within my own life, not just knowing it, but actually believing it. That God didn't wait for a better version of me. He loved me right in the middle of my struggle. And that leads us to the next truth. Because if God is the one who defines love, then we don't get to reshape it based on how we feel or what we think it should be. This is the next truth, because it if God is the one who moved first, then he's also the one who defines what love actually is. In 1 John 4 10, it says this this is love. Not that we love God, but He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Notice how direct that is. It doesn't say this is what love feels like. It doesn't say this is what love looks like when everything is going well. It says this is love. And then it defines it. Not that we love God, but that He loved us and sent His Son for us. Which means this love is not something you get to define based on your emotions. It's not something that changes depending on how you feel that day. And it's not something you adjust when someone hurts you. It's not something that someone else says as they speak through their own hurt. Love has already been defined by God through what He did for you. So you don't get to redefine love. Your role is to receive it and then reflect it. And if you only receive part of it, you'll only reflect part of it. And this is where things start to shift. Because if love is defined by God, then it's not based on how you feel. It's not based on how someone treats you. It's based on what he has already done. Which means when you're questioning whether you're worthy of it, even when you're looking at your past, even when shame tries to tell you otherwise, God has already defined what love is and he already demonstrated it toward you. But it goes even deeper than that because it's not just that God loved you, it's when he loved you that changes everything. And that's where this next truth comes in. As I said, it's not just that God loved you, it's when he loved you that changes everything. Ephesians 2, 4 through 5 says this. But God, in his rich in mercy, and he loves us very much, though we were spiritually dead because of the things we did against God, he gave us new life with Christ. Don't miss this, brothers. It doesn't say you were struggling, it doesn't say you were trying to figure things out, it doesn't say you were making progress. It says you were spiritually dead. Which means this: you weren't moving toward God, you weren't improving yourself, you weren't one step away from getting it right. You had nothing to offer, no leverage, no bargaining power, no ability to fix it on your own. And still, God chose to love you. You weren't just off track, you were dead in sin, and He still chose you. And this is where it gets real. Because when you look back at your life, your struggles, your failures, the seasons you're not proud of, it's easy to think, I was too far gone. I messed up too much. There's no way God could love me in that. But this verse destroys that thinking because God didn't love you when you were close. He loved you when you were completely gone. Which means his love for you was never based on your condition, it was based on his character. God didn't find something in you worth loving. He chose to love you because of who he is. And if I'm being honest, that's something I've also had to wrestle with myself. Because it's one thing to say God loves you. It's another thing to believe he loved me in the middle of my worst moments. But that's exactly what this shows us. God's love is not fragile, it's not conditional, it's not waiting on you to improve, it meets you at your lowest and brings you back to life. And here's what that kind of love does: it doesn't just meet you where you are, it changes how God relates to you completely. Psalm 103, ten through twelve tells us He does not treat us as our sins deserve, or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far as he removed our transgressions from us. Let that sink in for a minute. He does not treat us as our sins deserve, which means this if God treated you based on your past, based on your mistakes, based on your worst decisions, you wouldn't be standing. But instead, he doesn't repay you, he doesn't hold it over you, he doesn't bring it back up, he removes it. God doesn't relate to you based on your worst moment, he relates to you through his mercy. And the picture Scripture gives us is powerful as far as the east is from the west. That's not a short distance, that's not even something you can measure. That's infinite separation, which means this. God didn't just forgive your sin, he removed it completely. But here's where a lot of men still struggle. God may have removed it, but you're still holding on to it. You keep replaying it, you keep defining yourself by it, you keep letting it shape how you see yourself. God let it go, but you're still living like he didn't. And that's where the lie creeps back in. Yeah, but not me, not after what I've done. But scripture is clear. God is not relating to you through your failure. He is relating to you through his mercy. If God has removed your sin, don't keep resurrecting it, brothers. This means your past doesn't define you. Your worst moment doesn't define you. God's mercy does. And if that's true, that God has removed your sin, if he's not treating you as your past deserves, then there's one more truth you need to hold on to. And we see this in Romans 8, 38 through 39. It says, For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. That's not a suggestion, that's not a hopeful idea, that's a declaration. Nothing means nothing. Not your past, not your current struggles, not your failures, not your worst moments, nothing. Which means there is nothing in your life right now that is more powerful than the love of God for you. There is nothing in your life more powerful than the love of God. But here's what we do: reread that, we hear that, and then we quietly add an exception. Yeah, but what about this? What about that decision? What about that season? What about that thing no one knows about? And God's answer is simple. Still nothing, nothing can separate us from his love. You don't have the power to override God's love. You don't have the ability to disqualify yourself from it, because it was never based on you to begin with. If God's love started with him, it is sustained by him, which means you are not living for his love. It means you are living from it. You are not trying to earn God's love, you are learning to live from it. So that question we started with, how could God love me after everything I've done, now has an answer. Because his love was never based on you in the first place. And when that truth really settles in, when you stop questioning it, when you stop resisting it, it changes everything about how you live. And this is where it shifts. Because the way you receive that love is the way you will give it. So if you struggle to believe that God loves you fully, you will struggle to love your wife fully. If you live like his love is limited, you will love in a limited way. You cannot give what you have not received. So if that's how God has loved you, if his love has been patient with you, merciful towards you, unshaken by your past, then the question becomes, what does that kind of look like when it flows through you? And this is God's standard for love, as written in First Corinthians 13, 4 through 7. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love never fails. And don't explain that away. Don't rush past it, let it hit you. Because this isn't just what love is, this is the standard your love is being measured against. So let's make this personal. Where are you impatient when things don't go your way? Where are you easily angered when you feel disrespected or misunderstood? Where are you self-seeking, thinking about what you're not getting instead of what you're called to give? And where are you keeping score, holding on to past offenses, replaying conversations, remembering what was said, what wasn't said, what should have been different? Because if we're honest, this is where most of us struggle. Most men don't struggle to understand this, they struggle to live it. And this shows up in marriage all the time, in the tone you use, in how quickly you react, in how long you stay frustrated, in whether or not you let things go. Because it's easy to talk about love, it's a lot harder to live it when it's actually cost you something. And this isn't about beating yourself up, this is about being honest, because you can't grow in something you're not willing to face. So here's where this shifts. Everything we just read, this is exactly how God has loved you. He's been patient with you when you were inconsistent, he's been kind to you when you didn't deserve it, he hasn't kept a record of your wrongs, even when you've repeated the same ones. He hasn't walked away, he hasn't withdrawn, he hasn't treated you based on your worst moments. You've received this kind of love, brothers, but are you giving it? Because that's the tension. Not whether you understand love, but whether you're actually living it. You've experienced grace, but are you extending it? You've been forgiven. But are you forgiving? You've been shown mercy, but are you giving it? Because if you're not, something is getting in the way. And that's what we need to talk about next. Because if you're not, something is getting in the way, and this is where we have to be honest. The issue isn't that you don't understand love, the issue is what's happening inside of you that keeps you from living it. Because love doesn't break down in your marriage for no reason, it breaks down because something underneath it drives your responses, and there are four core barriers we struggle with. The first barrier we struggle with is pride, and that's what some of you struggle with is pride. And that's the voice that says, I shouldn't have to go first. I've already done my part. Why should I have to change? Pride will always keep you from loving the way God calls you to love, because it keeps the focus on you. The second barrier is control. For others, as I said, it's control. You're trying to protect yourself, manage the outcome, and avoid getting hurt again. So instead of loving freely, you love conditionally. The third barrier we deal with is fear. Fear of being vulnerable, fear of being rejected. Fear that if you open up, it won't be received. So you hold back and call it wisdom when it's really self-protection. And the fourth and really big one that we deal with is unforgiveness. You've been hurt, something was said, something wasn't done, instead of releasing it, you've been holding on to it. And now it shows up as distance, frustration, irritation, short responses, emotional withdrawal. Every stronghold starts with a lie, but it feels like truth once you've lived in it long enough. And here's the reality you want grace from God, but justice from your spouse. You want God to forgive you quickly, but you hold on to what they did. You want mercy for your failures, but you demand accountability for theirs. You're asking your spouse to meet a standard you couldn't meet before God. And all of this pride, control, unforgiveness, it doesn't just affect how you feel, it shapes how you love, it distorts it, limits it, and keeps you from living out what we just read in 1 Corinthians 13. And this is where we as men get stuck, because we don't recognize it. We try to fix it in our own strength, and that's where everything starts to break down. Because this kind of love was never meant to come from you. And that's where everything starts to break down, as I said earlier, because you see it, you recognize it, but then you try to fix it on your own. You try to be more patient, try to control your action, try to let things go. And for a little while, maybe it works, but eventually you fall right back into the same patterns. And the reason is simple. You're trying to produce something that was never meant to come from you. Philippians 4 13 says this I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Now this verse gets used a lot for success, achievement, pushing through challenges, but in context, this is about something deeper. It's about endurance, obedience, living a life that reflects Christ even when it's hard, even when it costs you something, even when you don't feel like it. You can't love like this on your own, and you were never meant to. This isn't about trying harder. This is about surrendering deeper. Because the kind of love we just talked about, patient, kind, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, that doesn't come from willpower. That comes from walking with Christ. The same power that saved you is that same power that enables you to love this way. You don't manufacture this kind of love, you receive it and then you walk in it. Which means in real moments, when you feel yourself getting frustrated, when you want to react, when you want to shut down, you don't just try harder, you pause, you surrender, and you lean into Him. Because you're not alone in this, you're not expected to carry this, you're not expected to figure it out on your own. You've been giving everything you need to live this out. The question isn't whether you're capable, the question is whether you're willing to depend on Him. And once you understand that, now it becomes your responsibility to live it. And once you understand that, as I said, you realize you don't have to do this on your own. Once you realize you've been given the strength through Christ, again, it's your responsibility to live it. Because here's the truth God didn't just show you what love looks like. He didn't just define it, he didn't just empower you to live it, he calls you to walk in it. The standard for your marriage is not how you feel, it's how you've been loved. Which means you don't get to love based on your mood, you don't get to love based on how things are going. You don't get to love based on whether it's being returned. You love based on what God has already done for you. You've been forgiven, so you forgive. You've been shown grace, so you give grace. You've been pursued, so you pursue. You don't get to withhold what God freely gives you. And this is where leadership in your marriage really shows up. Because a God a man doesn't wait for things to feel right. He leads with what is right. He doesn't wait for his wife to go first, he doesn't wait for everything to line up. He steps into it. A man of God leads with love, even when it's not returned yet. Because both of you are broken, both of you are imperfect, both of you are going to fall short, which means someone has to go first. And if you're listening to this, that someone is you. Not because you're better, not because you've got it all together, but because you've been called to lead. And leadership looks like this: choosing patience when it's hard, choosing kindness when you're frustrated, letting go of things you want to hold on to, showing up when it'd be easier to withdraw. That's what this looks like in real life. Because at the end of the day, this isn't just about understanding love, it's about living it. So the question now becomes, what are you going to do with it? But before we move forward, I want to be clear about something. Everything we've talked about, this kind of love, it's not just a calling for men, it's a calling for both husband and wife. Both are called to love with patience, with kindness, with grace, with forgiveness. Both are called to reflect the love of Christ. The standard of love is the same for both, because it comes from God. But here's something we have to understand. God didn't design marriage primarily to make you happy, He designed it to make you holy. Marriage is one of the primary ways God refines you, shapes you, exposes what's in you, and transforms you to look more like Christ. Marriage just doesn't reveal your character, it refines it. Which means the tension you feel, the frustration, the moments where it's hard to love, that's not a sign something's wrong. That's often a sign God is doing something in you. And within that process, God has given structure and roles to help that refinement take place. In Colossians 3, 18 through 19, we read this Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. That's not about control. That's not about hierarchy and value. That's about design, order, and how God builds strength and unity in marriage. In Ephesians 5 25, we read this husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. And for you as a man, that sets the standard because your model isn't comfort, your model isn't ease. Your model is Christ. Leadership in marriage is not about control, it's about responsibility. Which means when things get hard, that's not your signal to pull back, that's your opportunity to be refined. To grow in patience, to grow in humility, to grow in forgiveness, to become the man God is shaping you to be. Ephesians 5 33 tells us each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. And your wife? She is walking through that same process, growing, learning, being refined. This is not about one person carrying the weight. This is two people being shaped in the same covenant by the same God for the same purpose. Unity doesn't come from sameness, it comes from alignment. So when you step into this kind of love, you're not just improving your marriage. You're stepping into the process God is using to transform you. So, yes, this applies to both of you, but as a man, you are called to lead it. And that brings it back to you. Because regardless of what's happening on the other side, you still have a decision to make. And the question now becomes, what are you going to do with it? Because this isn't just information, this isn't just something to think about, this isn't just something to agree with. This is something you're being called to live. So let me ask you, where are you holding back when you know you should be stepping in? Where are you keeping score when you know you should be letting go? Where are you waiting for your spouse to change instead of leading the way yourself? Where have you chosen distance instead of engagement? Because the truth is, some of you are still holding on to things, still replaying conversations, still carrying frustration, still justifying why you're not showing up the way you know you should. And you've gotten comfortable with it. But hear me, God didn't wait for you to change before he loved you. He didn't wait for you to get it right, he didn't wait for you to fix everything, he moved first. So what would it look like for you to do the same? What would it look like for you to love your wife like that when it's not easy, when it's not returned right away, when things feel tense, when you don't feel understood? If God loved you at your worst, what would it look like for you to love your wife and hers? Because at some point you have to decide, am I going to keep living based on how I feel? Or am I going to start living based on what's true? Am I going to hold on to what's been done? Or am I going to step into what I've been called to do? Because this is where it shifts. Not in a big moment, not in a perfect situation, but in a decision. And then this is your moment. Not because you've got it all figured out, not because you're going to do this perfectly, but because of who you are in Christ. You are loved, you are chosen, you are not defined by your past. You are defined by the love of God. You are not fighting for love, you are living from it. God didn't wait for you to get it right. He loved you at your worst. He defined what love is. Now you get to walk in it. So this week, choose patience when it's hard. Choose kindness when you're frustrated. Let go of what you've been holding on to. Step into conversations you've been avoiding and lead with love even when it's not returned yet. Not because it's easy, but because it's who you are now. A man of God doesn't wait for perfect conditions. He leads in the middle of imperfect ones. He doesn't love when it's convenient. He loves because it's been commanded, and because it's been modeled for him. The way you've been loved is the way you are called to live. So as you step back into your world this week, your home, your work, your marriage, your friendships, brothers, go with this understanding. A man of God is a man at war, but he is never without a commander, never without a calling, and never without the victory Christ has already secured. You are not fighting for victory, you are standing from it. So stay alert, stand firm, lead with courage, protect what matters most, and walk not in your own strength, but in the strength that only Jesus provides. Until next time, keep training, keep growing, and keep becoming the man God created you to be. This is our battle plan. This is our calling. This is the making of a man.