Grace in Conflict: Parent-School Partnerships and Restorative Discipline

In this episode of The Cross and The Classroom, host Toby Coffman welcomes Tige Watson, Valor Christian’s Chief of Parent and Student Affairs. Tige shares insights from his extensive experience at Valor and explains his new role in fostering stronger partnerships between parents and the school.

They explore what meaningful parent partnership looks like in a Christian high school, both practically and theologically. Tige details how Valor Christian emphasizes aligning with its mission, mutual trust, and open dialogue with parents. The conversation also covers how most conflicts are resolved directly between those involved and highlights Valor’s unique approach to student discipline—prioritizing restoration, mentorship, and personal growth over simple punishment.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone interested in how schools and families can work together to support student development and faith.

Thank you for listening. To learn more about Valor Christian High School please check out our website. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook!

Transcript

0:01

Well, Tige, thanks for joining us today to talk about parent partnership at Valor. You've got an exciting new title. So what I love to do at the beginning is just have you walk us through sort of your experience that's led you to this point. I think you might have the record for most number of titles of anyone who's. Who's still at Valor. So kind of talk us through your career background up to starting at Valor and what you've done here in the past and what you're doing today. Certainly. Certainly. So I've been at Valor for 12 years now, and like you said, through, you know, a number of various capacities while I've been here. I came to Valor from, from Albuquerque, New Mexico. And while there, ultimately I served as deputy chief, so the second in charge over emergency medical services, delivery of our frontline services, our liaison to emergency management and training and dispatch, and then through a series of events that God orchestrated, really through both my sons, but primarily even through my oldest son of getting to Valor. And really that was through testimony and, and through the practice of our faith and really to allow my oldest son and then my youngest son to really develop their faith and draw upon their faith. But many times I think my wife would probably say that as much as I would point to that she would say, really, there was serendipity in that that she believes. No, really, it was God utilizing your services for something greater and not just for our sons, but really for a higher calling at Valor. And so came in initially at Valor as the Safety and Security Coordinator, then Safety and Security Director, and then in my third year, was asked to be the lead Dean of Students, and then performed that, I think, until roughly my sixth year. And then in the sixth year, interviewed for a position of Director of Student Experience. And then like you said, probably after two years, that changed to Director of Student Life. And then last year was the Director of Student affairs and had been had academic Services kind of tacked on to what I was doing at that time. And now this year, finally Chief of Parent and Student Affairs. Okay. And still the Director of State Safety and Security. We're not going to order you business cards in case this, in case this changes again. So Chief of Parent and Student affairs, kind of walk me through it at a high level. We'll kind of dig into some specifics. But what does that mean? Like, what's. What's that title designed to do? So ultimately, it's really to. To work well with our parents, I feel like already working well with. With our students on A daily basis through my direction of the dean's office and our. In our social emotional services department, our Christian counselors and student leadership, student activities and experiences. And now it's how can we coordinate this better with parents? And knowing that, I think in the past, we've done fairly well. But for Valor, it's always really been excellence, you know, really excellence and all. And so we really want to do an excellent job as it relates to our parents and solidifying that relationship with them and how they engage with the school and then just helping. So helping us do a better job and then helping our parents do a better job. Yeah. That's awesome. So one of our. It's part of our mission here is to partner with parents, that we're in partnership with committed parents. And you see that a lot, that phrase, partnership with parents and Christian schools and probably even public schools now. So what does that look like? And let's talk even outside of Valor, like, what do you think partnership looks like at a Christian high school? Practically and theologically? And then we'll kind of turn into valor a little bit more specifically. Right. I think that it's so practically, really, that that partnership with parents is, like you said, many times has been used. I think kind of like is a tagline. It sounds good. But then, practically speaking, we really don't know what that means and what that looks like. And most of the time, it's fine. Most of the time. It's one of those definitions that we can leave out there until, you know, the rubber meets the road, and until there's some conflict or there's some disagreement, and then we're not really sure about the relationship. And so we really want to define that through this parent partnership. And so I think, you know, here at Valor, we believe that parents are the primary educators and spiritual influencers of their student. And if you look historically and theologically, it's really. It was the church, and it was the home, and there was really no place for the school. And a lot of that education took place through the church. Well, there was that evolution that took place, and now we have a school that's now been created as parents. You know, parents aren't staying home. They're moving out. They're working. And who's going to educate my kid and who can I trust? And so you had church schools that were developed, and then schools that were developed out of that. And really, the school is ultimately, you know, we kind of give that authority or we help extend that authority. Not give it, but extend that authority of the parent, you know, to the student. And then we're also supporting the church in that other prop of the theological piece and being able to speak into students and along with their parents. And so for us, we say that partnership is really the partnership and training up a student unto righteousness along with that parent. And we believe here that, you know, that portrait of a parent, if you will, for somebody who would find themselves successful here at Valor and. And would be pleased with what's going on is number one, to really be in alignment with our vision, mission and values here at Valor. Two, we'd say we really want you to be engaged as a parent. So to stay informed, to really, to volunteer, to be here on campus, to participate in all the activities, to take the opportunities to even come when it's the day in the life to experience the teachers, to talk to the teachers. We'd also say that that involves mutual trust and mutual responsibility. And then sometimes it's also giving the benefit of the doubt, you know, because in most cases, whenever there ends up being some sort of conflict, it's been a slight misunderstanding. And so we're saying, can you give us. Can you give us the benefit of the doubt? And then on our side, it's really going to be, we're going to communicate early and often. We're going to be transparent in our communications. We're going to stick to our values, we're going to listen to the parent perspective. And then we're always going to do what we feel like is in the best interest of the student and of our institution. It's cool. There's a lot of threads to follow there. I like the context on the church and the family as the two institutions. And the last couple hundred years we've added in the school, and especially at a Christian school, I think it's. It's important to understand some of that history. And one of the phrases that gets used traditionally in education is that the school acts in loco parentis in place of the parents. And so when the, when the student is on campus and we're responsible for them, we ask, we act in, in the role of a parent. So how do we, how do we keep those lanes clear between. This is sort of, this is the parents responsibility, this is the school's responsibility. Where does the school's role end and the family's role begin? Or is it easy to kind of delineate those boundaries? I'd say that it's. In some cases it really depends. You know, it's. We really want, in most cases, parents to deal with their student, to deal with many issues. We'd say when it impacts kind of the good order and functioning of our school, when it impacts the reputation of the school. Those are times when we want to get involved because we know ultimately that the student's life can't be compartmentalized. So it's not like, hey, I'm just a good kid when. When I'm on the valor campus, but then when I get off, I can just go crazy. And so we really want them to know that in so many ways, they're carrying that banner, you know, and so first and foremost, the banner. The banner over them should be Christ. And then they're carrying that family banner, and then they're going to have that valor banner. And so we say, you carry that banner everywhere you go, and. And so you have to treat that well and respect it well, because you're also getting the benefits of being a part of our community. You know, you're getting the care, the love, the support, the encouragement, access to our facilities, to arts, athletics, discovery, amazing teachers and academics. And so we're saying those are things that are important. But it can be challenging at times because, no, we never want to overstep the boundaries of a parent. There are plenty of times when I feel like a parent has been involved in something, and, you know, we tell them, so anytime we speak to a student, we're always going to talk to a parent, and we're going to let them know what's happened. And so I think sometimes with my team, we'll speak to a parent. We'll let them know what's happened. The parent will clearly define that, hey, that's not in alignment with who we are, and we know that's not in alignment with who Valor is. Then the parent has their response in terms of what they're doing. And so there have been plenty of times where I say, well, man, that's a lot. And I'm not sure there's much that we need to add on here at school, because you're doing all these things and being responsible for your student. But then there are also been other cases where parents have said, hey, there's some challenges that are happening, say, in home. And so we want your support, and could you. Could you help us within this? And so we will also do that. We will help support the parent in the disciplining of their student and perhaps even sometimes be the leverage. You know, I tell parents that I'm okay to be the bad guy for you. You know, if you need to Lay this off on me so you can maintain your relationship, then I'm okay with that, with you doing that. And because we do want to support you, we do want to support the training up of your student. Yeah, yeah, I love that. It seems like the, the most vital thing is a dialogue, right? We want to do this together. We're not going to just make a decision and impose that upon you. This is going to happen in conversation. So let's, let's, let's get practical for a little bit here. Let's say I have. My, my oldest is going to be a freshman at Valor this year, and let's say he has a problem in the classroom or on the sports field or something like that. What's sort of the order of operations here? Who do we go to first? What are the steps that play out there? Certainly, like. So you're referring to that really, that escalation. And so for us, we'd always say is that, you know, start it with the person, you know, that is, that is. That was the first person that was involved in it. Start with that person who could most impact it, which could be a coach or a teacher, because we feel like in many cases everything can be taken from there. So say it was your son. It was just something that happened on the field. And then it's that coach having the discussion with your son and then the coach having a discussion with you to let you know that, hey, Toby, here's what happened on the field, here's how we corrected it, here's what we'd like to see moving forward, and here's the partnership we would like to receive from you. And that's not much different from what I would expect for a teacher to do in the academic realm. So in your experience, what, what percentage, if you could give a guess of conflicts or issues are resolved at that level? I'd say most of our conflict is really resolved at that level. I mean, I would like to believe that probably, you know, 80, 85% of conflict is resolved at that level at the lowest level possible and with the person who can really speak directly into that, the teacher and, and. Or the coach. And then I think it's both people having that, as we said, mutual respect, mutual responsibility. And then as you identify dialoguing and the ability to dialogue and to listen to one another. And I think if we can do that, then we take care of a lot of that conflict. What's after that, though? And that, that order of us, it's not resolved at that level, what then? Yeah, and so should it not feel like it's been resolved at that level, then that would involve. Involve a department chair. So in academics, involving a department chair. So a supervisor in athletics, that would be an assistant AD that they'd come in and sit down and have that discussion, because we want another adult who can perhaps facilitate some communication. Because you just might have two people who are just having a difficult time trying to understand one another. Cool. What if the parent or the student says, well, I can't go to my teacher or my coach because then they'll dock my grade or it'll hurt my playing time or something like that? How would you respond to that family? What I would respond to that family is that I'd say I would speak forcefully against that in that at Valor, that's just something that is not tolerated whatsoever is a doc in playing time or a dock of your grade because that teacher is upset with you. And if for some reason you are fearful, then I would say go to that supervisor and let them know, hey, I'm concerned. I would like to have a conversation, but I would still expect that supervisor to sit down with the parent, the student, the teacher, coach, and the supervisor to talk about that, because then the supervisor can make sure that we're all held accountable, to make sure that we respond appropriately. Cool. To shift gears slightly here, I think one of the most unique things about our philosophy of discipline here at Valor is that we want actual restoration to community and belonging and right standing and all of that, rather than just punishment for what someone did wrong. And so talk me through very kind of briefly, that philosophy and how you've seen that bear fruit in the lives of students and families over the years, too. Yeah, great. I mean, I think that it's. And people would hear it odd to hear me say this, but in so many cases, I love discipline. I love discipline. And it's not because I want to go out and discipline kids or be mean or anything else. It's because you really get to see the heart of people. They get to see your heart and how much you care for their student. And it just makes. It's just so impactful and just so impressive. And they're really able to see the love of God, you know? And so I feel like God is really. We really want to bring Christ into every single meeting. And so when we talk about. We're going through this process and the kid has made a poor decision, because ultimately I say we don't have bad kids whatsoever. We have amazing kids. We have kids who have made poor Decisions. And so we want to help them navigate through that poor decision and to then develop the tools to make better decisions. Decisions. And so here at Valor it is. We do spend our time on redemption, restoration and reconciliation for our students. And so if a kid comes in, we call it a Green Pastures meeting. And so that's predicated upon Psalm 23 and where the Lord is our shepherd. And so a part of this is really showing the good shepherd who is present within this meeting. And we have that student go through what happened, what occurred, why they made that decision. And that's not to shame them or make that difficult. It's really, we say, we want you to. We want to take that off of your plate, put that on the plate of the adults where it belongs. And then once you've said it, we want you to let that go. And then a large portion of that is then spent on really peeling those layers away, showing them the love of God, showing them how Christ was in this, was in the whole thing, in that. You know, as parents, I'm sure you pray with your. For your student is that you would pray that your student gets caught. Yes. You know, and so it's a gift to be caught. It's a gift. Then you get to deal with it. Yes. And then that your students roots would grow deep. And so. And they will grow deep through the struggle and through the difficulty and through the poor decisions. And so we'll talk about that, and we'll talk about their relationship with Christ. And we will go through lots and lots of scripture with them. And then on the far end of that is really showing them that to be a sheep and to be in green pastures, there are three things that are required. Freedom from fear, freedom from hunger, and freedom from friction or agitation. And so we go through those. We say, obviously, you know, you look like you're well fed, you know, and so here at Valor, despite what people might say, Flick is pretty good, you know, and so I enjoy it. And so then it's are you fearful? Are you fearful at school? Are you fearful at home? We get through that. And now then it's okay, what's the friction or agitation that was caused by the decision that you made? Can you see that? And so then they go through that. We talk about being in alignment with our. With our vision, mission and values, what they like most about Valor, and then how we can get back into green pastures. And so that rest, that restorative peace will take place through kind of formative and summative sort of actions, and that it's you know, we always have them meet with a. With a mentor. So for eight to 10 weeks, meeting with a mentor once per week for about 45 minutes. And it's not to really go back through the incident and what occurred. That's really to talk about just their faith development, how things are going at school, how they can be encouraged, how they can be prayed for. So that's a mentorship piece. The other piece is then meeting with our social emotional services, our Christian counselors, and that is so that they can develop tools to make good decisions. Because it's one thing, as you said, say in another school where it's punitive, I slap you on the hand, you spend X number of days out of school, you have to do these many things, and then it's on your record and then you move on. Well, the question is, is what did you really learn from that and have you really developed? And so we want them to develop the tools to then make the appropriate decisions and to say, okay, why am I doing this? What should I do instead of this? Should I go speak to a mentor or somebody else about this so that I can try and make that right decision? And then if it's been a harm against the school, then there'd be some community service or service to a ministry, you know, an educational component and, you know, and perhaps a few other things. But. But really it is. We don't want to overload you. We want you to learn from this. We want to really bless you through this. And. And I feel like ultimately, Toby, I've heard so many times from parents and that, you know, where they've said this is truly been. I came in here fearing this whole process, and this has been an amazing process. This isn't something that I feel like I would have gotten anywhere else because it is something that probably takes 45 minutes. You know, we're spending a lot of time on this because that's how important this is to us and because really, discipline is discipleship and. And so we are really discipling your ste each step of the way so that when they would graduate from valor, we really want them to be a man or woman of valor, you know, and to have, you know, honesty and integrity and forthrightness and to have strong character and courage and service and influence and discipline. Yeah. And I love that tides. And thank you for explaining it so eloquently. And I think too, we want to see each kid as an individual, that there's not a one size fits all discipline template because there's Not a one size fits all kid. And we want to see that kid as that student, young man or woman made in the image of God as an individual who gets our individual attention here. And then we'd say, because, I mean for that to address that too, is we say when people ask me, so do you have a discipline matrix at Valor? And I say, no. I mean, outside of, you know, dress code or attendance, really, there's no discipline matrix. I say, I like to. We need to know the pretext, the context, the after text. Because it. Not every kid is the same. And so it's, you know, what led up to this event, what was involved in this event. And then after, you know, what are the after effects? What is this going to look like? Because, you know, just by example, we may have a kid who is. Who works incredibly hard in school. School doesn't come easy to them. They made a poor decision, maybe a decision that should result in them spending one or two days away from school. But ultimately, when we look at it, we say, if I send that student away from school for one or two days, you know, I might as well just send them away from valor because they're not going to be able to rebound because they work so hard for their grades. So it might be something that we say, you know what? Instead we're going to have you do an in school instead of being away. And so it's. So like you said, it's dependent upon each student. We want to treat each student fairly, but we don't treat everybody the same. Well, that's great. Well, we're almost out of time and I think just to kind of close things looking to parents and your new role as chief of parents, parent and student affairs, what's one thing you would recommend all parents, all families do to partner well with Valor this year? That's a great question. I would say, you know, to approach it with. With a mindset of we're actually trying to do our best, that we see your student, we want what's best for your student, and that that's always going to be focus that we are not against you and we are not against your kid. So I would say to think from it from that perspective, whenever there is a conflict or a concern or an issue is they're not against us. And to a certain extent, the benefit of the doubt, you know, and extending grace because we're going to do the same thing. I'm going to extend grace to you. If you call me up and you're upset and you're heated on the phone or something. I'm going to extend you grace because I'm going to be thinking maybe it's a tough day, maybe something occurred. And so I think it's both of us extending grace, both of us listening to one another and really coming at each other with the heart of Christ. And so I'd say that's really where I think we can both be successful. Because ultimately it's about the student and it's about your student and what we want to do that's best for your student. There will be times inevitably where we will disagree. You know, we will disagree. But I think understanding that, that we love your student, we want what's best for your student and that is always going to be our pursuit and that we will listen to your perspective. Yeah. Well, that's great. Ty, thank you so much for your time. Blessings on your new position and everything that involves this year. Looking forward to another great year at Valor Christian. I appreciate it. Thank you, Toby. You're welcome.