Friends First: Building a 39-Year Marriage

In this heartfelt and inspiring episode, we sit down with our dear friend who’s been married for an incredible 39 years. From the highs and lows to the lessons learned and the laughter shared, she opens up about what it really takes to keep a marriage strong and thriving for nearly four decades. Whether you're married, single, divorced, or somewhere in between, this conversation is full of wisdom, real talk, and a whole lot of love. Grab a cup of tea (or a glass of wine!) and join us for an honest look at love, commitment, and everything in between.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Cheryl Biggs' 39-Year Marriage
• 5:24 Meeting Her Husband: Love Story Begins
• 13:30 No Secret to Marriage Longevity
• 23:15 Building a Foundation of Friendship
• 30:10 Keeping Romance Alive After Decades Together
• 36:18 Finding Personal Identity Within Marriage
• 46:05 Setting Boundaries and Communication Tips
• 52:00 Final Thoughts on Long-Term Commitment

Transcript

Introduction to Cheryl Biggs' 39-Year Marriage

Speaker 1 0:00

A person that I can look across the room and we don't have to say nothing and bust out laughing. You know, to be able to look at one of your friends and be able to say, okay, I know, that person has me. Yes, I don't have to worry about that person saying anything about me or allowing anybody else to hurt me in any type of way. I always felt safe with him.

Speaker 4 0:22

Why don't you guys keep it alive, bring it back to life, whatever you know? How can you not support we?

Speaker 1 0:28

have to bring it back alive, because you do get so comfortable that now we're just living, now we're just existing, and if sex is the basis of your relationship, you're in trouble. Yeah.

Speaker 3 0:45

This is Lagra, this is Stephanie, this is Cherie and this is Ivanya. And this is Timeless and Unfiltered. Where?

Speaker 2 1:04

we are spilling the tea on midlife. One laugh at a time. Hello everybody. Welcome back to thomas in the filter.

Speaker 3 1:09

We are spilling the tea on midlife one laugh at a time I am legra, I'm full, I'm charise and I'm ivania. Stephanie, just ate. Well, we all just ate, oh god, but it was good.

Speaker 2 1:25

Yes, it was good.

Speaker 3 1:26

We probably didn't need to eat before we filmed right first of all, we already need naps right without eating, and now we really needed that, but we gonna get through this with our energy. You probably noticed we have a fifth host on the couch today. We thought we'd come and talk to our wonderful, dear friend, ms Cheryl Biggs. Hello, hello.

Speaker 1 1:47

Hello hello.

Speaker 3 1:48

Well, cheryl has been married for 39 years. 39 years. Black love, black love, black love Okay black love and, being that I've been married before Sharice has been married, the two ladies have not actually been married yet. I've been married before Sharice has been married.

Speaker 2 2:05

the two ladies have not actually been married, yet I've been engaged. Somebody loved me enough to give me a ring for two different people.

Speaker 1 2:11

I got one little ring back in high school. Does that count?

Speaker 3 2:14

No, well, the point of it is, we can't give a perspective of what it's like to be married with someone for 39 years. So we thought we'd bring one of our dear friends on board to tell us what's the secret, because we're trying to get the ring hilarious. Hello, and keep the ring. Well, some of us are let me rephrase that we're trying to help them get one. I don't necessarily need one at this point, if it happens this is why I'm confused god willing, right, it happens.

Speaker 2 2:42

This is why I'm confused with you. I'm saying if it happens, god willing, because you was just a hopeless romantic Right. Do you want to get married or not? Tell her.

Speaker 3 2:51

Tell her, for me, she can still be a hopeless romantic without being married Right but if it happens, an opportunity presents, and it's right, then she's there.

Speaker 3 3:00

She's not denying it. She's just like mmm, it's just not the center and the focus of my life at the age of 55. Would I love for it to happen. I would love, I love, love. Yeah, I love to be in love. Yeah, but I love to receive love. Yeah, I love to somehow become my mother. I love to cater to my man. I laugh because when Sharice has seen me with someone before, she was like, oh my gosh, she took a picture and a video.

Speaker 4 3:26

Oh, sure did, which is so funny, like what, and people were like and she was getting and I was like I didn't expect you to be so professional all the time.

Speaker 1 3:40

And now, here you are, giggling like a little.

Speaker 3 3:42

I'm a girl. I'm a girl, I love it. You're a girl, I love it. I'm a girl, I love it. But no, I love love, it's just not the center and my focus. You know I am deaf. I'm wide open to receive it, but I'm not chasing after it.

Speaker 2 3:58

I'm not chasing. I'm going to attract my deaf buddy, if you're out there.

Speaker 3 4:03

Well, I don't like going through the weeds. You had to go through the weeds to get to the flowers I had to At 55,. I have been through enough weeds. You want to take the short bus?

Speaker 2 4:11

in a relationship. I'm going to get on the short bus. Take the short cut. You might get a short bus.

Speaker 3 4:16

And whatever it takes or requires. So, yes, I am a hopeless romantic and it still would be wonderful to find that person, even though, look, I don't have 39 years, but if God blessed me with another 30, it would be great to spend that 30 with someone, and someone to travel with and all of those good things. So since I can't give you that perspective, and none of us could, we had to go get an expert with 39 years, how you doing girl Because how in the world do you do it?

Speaker 3 4:47

for 39 years that is more than half of your adult life you have been with the same man.

Speaker 1 4:55

Come on, girl, give us some tips, because we're trying to figure it out. There is no secret. It's like one day just turns into another day and you look up and I don't know that we pay attention to it until somebody says it. You know, I know for a fact. My son's like please tell me how y'all do this. And he even calls his father, like how are you with mom? But it's long, I don't understand.

Meeting Her Husband: Love Story Begins

Speaker 1 5:22

I don't understand, I can't, I don't think I can do it, but you're going on year seven son but yes, yeah and there's no secret, there's no, I can't sit here and lie and say oh, we compromise, oh, you know we, no, it's just one day.

Speaker 2 5:42

But you have to like each other. We do like each other. We were friends first. That's the foundation. Take us back. How did you meet.

Speaker 3 5:53

Okay, how did you meet? How did you meet, oh God.

Speaker 2 5:57

Well.

Speaker 3 5:58

Now is this going to be his version of the story.

Speaker 1 6:00

No, it's going to be Cheryl's version. Anthony, I was coming home from basketball practice. His uncle is a year younger than me. There was a train strike in New York and Anthony went to Teterboro School of Aeronautics, so he had to catch the train and the bus from New York to Jersey to get to school back and forth.

Speaker 1 6:24

Well because of the strike. He didn't do it, but his uncle, grandfather, lived, good Lord, okay, two houses down. Okay, it's his uncle. So it's his grandfather. Okay, lives two houses down from me. But me and his uncle went to school together, okay, so I was coming home for basketball practice, looking a hot mess, but them short shorts and the long legs?

Speaker 3 6:46

No, anthony can tell you exactly what I had on. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 6:49

I cannot. I remember I think it was a blue and tan Puma sweatsuit. If I remember his story correctly, he could tell you the sneakers I had on.

Speaker 3 6:57

Oh my goodness, Hair swept out, hair swept.

Speaker 1 6:59

I looked a hot mess because I was mad because my mother sent me to the store. What? I looked a hot mess because I was mad because my mother sent me to the store and I had to walk because that's up north. We didn't right right, so I was walking by. He said hi. I said hi. Curtis introduced me and said hey, what's up? And I kept going. He asked his uncle who was I and he told me he's a man, you don't want to bother with her. She's dating a three-letter man. You know she already. That was when we had letter jackets right he had a three's a man.

Speaker 1 7:23

You don't want to bother with her. She's dating a three-letter man.

Speaker 3 7:24

You know she already that was when we had letter jackets. Right, he had a three-letter man.

Speaker 1 7:29

Okay, he's playing three different sports, okay so he was like you don't want to bother with her. She got three, you know brothers blah, blah blah. And he was like, okay, his version of the story is that when he saw me he said, hmm, I could do something with that, okay so apparently he did we were friends.

Speaker 1 7:52

I tried to to hook him up with my friends. Oh, because I thought he was a nice guy, because I was already taken. So I never looked at him like that until he made me look at him like that, and how did he make you look at him like? That.

Speaker 3 8:08

Just being present.

Speaker 1 8:10

He was just present, he was just right. Like I'm from up north I can say safely out A hood rat, but I can dress it up, and so for me it wasn't about like now. Everybody kind of wants microwave love. They want you to have the house, the car, the dog, the fence, and for us we knew that we had to hustle for it. So while he was going to school I was helping him study because I had never met a black person saying they were going to be aircraft mechanic. You going to fix what?

Speaker 3 8:42

Airplanes Airplanes. We don't do that so he's he's known for a long time.

Speaker 1 8:47

That's what he wanted to do, no he wanted to throw bags for eastern airlines, because that's what his uncle did and he wanted to travel, so he wanted to travel benefits and whoever? His counselor was said why don't you just go to school to be a mechanic, not just throw the bags?

Speaker 1 9:01

and he was like whatever's going get me to fly free. That's what I want to do. So we used to sit down together and study and if I went places, we his uncle. We all had the same friends because we went to campus schools was maybe about 25 black folks in this, so we all had the same friends. We all ran in the same circle.

Speaker 3 9:22

Y'all went to private school, yeah.

Speaker 1 9:25

Oh rich? I don't know why my mother did that so what happened to the letterman guy.

Speaker 3 9:30

Where the three letter man at. So you were doing all this studying while you had a three letter man, Kind of sort of.

Speaker 1 9:37

What happened is I also played volleyball besides basketball, and we always had what was a 24-hour volley time. So Anthony came as my friend and would have like food ready for me juice.

Speaker 2 9:54

He was working hard.

Speaker 3 9:57

He was working you. He was working you.

Speaker 1 10:01

Yeah, setting me up, and so it was winter, we wound up having a storm that night, a snowstorm, and so we didn't know it until it was time to go, and so maybe Anthony was with me for 23 and a half hours, and the last half an hour my boyfriend showed up because he was away at college.

Speaker 1 10:25

So he showed up at the Bali time and he stayed for the last 30 minutes and it was time to go home and so I would have had to walk, and so it's 25 blocks from my school home. I'm used to that because we walk in every day, yeah, up north. So Anthony said, no, I'll drive y'all home. So y'all.

Speaker 1 10:49

So, the one who's been working you all this time drove you and your boyfriend no, okay, so he drove y'all home and his uncle drove us home, dropped my boyfriend off first, then dropped me off and then he went home and his uncle said you stupid, she just played you, you need, didn't drop me off at anywhere home. And he said his uncle said you stupid, she just played you, you need to drop her, you just played it.

Speaker 4 11:14

So a couple weeks went by, I hadn't seen him, didn't talk to him, nothing in my brain.

Speaker 1 11:15

It didn't faze me, because we in a relationship, we friends so my boyfriend, anthony, decides to come by the house to talk. My boyfriend shows up again the same time. It's like a movie and this time Anthony says you have to make a decision. He said it in front of your boyfriend, like my boyfriend was standing there.

Speaker 4 11:36

Anthony was standing there, and I'm right here.

Speaker 1 11:38

And Anthony said you have to make a decision. And that's when I looked at him and I was like oh, wow, oh, oh, okay. And so I looked at my boyfriend. I said hey, anthony, you know, came back for a visit, so I'm gonna have to get with you a little later so he was saying a decision on who was staying at the house or who you gonna date, who?

Speaker 2 12:01

who I was staying with at the house moment, but the moment I thought it was like, I was like yes, that was his thing was like I'm not leaving.

Speaker 1 12:13

He said, if you tell me to leave, I'm gone. Oh god, it's always like uh, okay, oh, gosh, love, I'll talk to you later. I'm gonna call you. I'm gonna call you later. Okay, okay, oh jeez.

Speaker 3 12:26

And your boyfriend was okay with that. No, he wasn't. No, he wasn't, he couldn't have been. I was just like your boyfriend was okay with that he left.

Speaker 1 12:33

He did leave. He did leave. There was a whole lot going on after that, after he left. Oh God, he wasn't my. You're not my boyfriend, no more. I guess not. May he rest in peace. But you know, and that's what made me look at him, because every girl I would set him up with, they would come back and be like he said nothing. What do you mean? He said nothing. Anthony talks a mile a minute to anybody. And they were like you ain't say nothing to us. And I was like what are you doing? I'm setting you up with like the nicest girls. What are you doing? I'm setting you up with like the nicest girls, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 13:06

And they was like no, he want you, and that's when my girlfriend was like he wants you and I was like no, he doesn't, I'm dating.

Speaker 3 13:13

Oh little love story. Yeah, he slow walked her down, he showed it.

Speaker 2 13:17

Look at that.

No Secret to Marriage Longevity

Speaker 1 13:22

It, built it did it.

Speaker 3 13:31

Yeah, that's that's how we met and 39 years later and I was, of course, we all we only get to see the end result. You know, the outside looking in, I'm sure, ups downs absolutely round and round and all of that, but y'all still together, we're still together that's why I said when y'all asked me to come here, I was like what day is it?

Speaker 1 13:47

am I going to say nice things today? I'm not going to say nice things. My mother was like behave yourself. And anthony just laughed. But no 39, I feel safe with him and that's what's important to me only. The only downside of that, I would say, is I felt like I gave all of myself to my family.

Speaker 3 14:10

And so now, here I am at 60 saying who is Cheryl?

Speaker 1 14:15

Yes, what does she want, what does she like? And it's a difficult situation because when we got married I a television, he had a VCR, so everything, hey, we watch the tv, everything we have other than his motorcycles have been in both of our names. Yeah, so it's like when I turned 50 I went and bought my own car, and that was the first time that I bought anything on my own. Oh wow, and he didn't like it. Oh gee, he did not like that. I did that. Did he already have his motorcycle?

Speaker 2 14:55

Yes, he wanted to be included.

Speaker 1 14:58

Right. Why did I feel?

Speaker 2 15:00

the need to go get something with just my own money.

Speaker 1 15:03

Like what you trying to say he was getting scared. He's like feel the need to go get something with just my name on it. Like what you trying to say he's gonna scare he's actually about to leave what's he? Doing I should have been the one because at the motorcycle club and I don't. I don't rock with that crowd. I definitely stand out. Um, so I'm the one that should show the concern, but to him, for me to step out and do something on my own was like wait a minute. Where did that, you know?

Speaker 2 15:33

where did that come from, especially after that?

Speaker 3 15:34

many years yeah.

Speaker 1 15:36

Yeah, and I and I I don't know why I felt the need to not tell anybody I was going to get it or anything like that. I think I did it just to see if I could, just to see if Cheryl could do it Not mommy, not wife, not your mother's caretaker, not you know, just Cheryl. And so it was funny because I had a handicap sticker in my car and I told my, my oldest daughter. I said I think I'm gonna go get the license plate that have said that's selfish.

Speaker 3 16:11

I'm sorry are you kidding me?

Speaker 1 16:15

I said why is my car like? It's not like you take the sticker and put it in your car? And she was like I don't know. That just seems so singular like you don't want to share it's not supposed to be shared I lost it. I lost it on her. I said I have given y'all my entire life.

Speaker 3 16:36

I can't even have my own license plate.

Speaker 1 16:38

Oh wow, I didn't know know. That's how my family looked at me, like yeah, you're ours.

Speaker 4 16:47

You belong to us.

Speaker 1 16:48

You don't get to do things on your own, oh Lord. So that's why, if I travel with you guys, like my phone is constantly going off.

Speaker 3 16:56

Oh my God, you okay.

Speaker 1 16:58

Are you all right To the point that you can't?

Speaker 3 17:00

enjoy yourself because you are still solving problems, because we travel together all the time she's still solving problems at home. While we're in jamaica, while we're in mexico or wherever we are, her phone rings from her family the whole time so look don't again. I'm put a disclaimer out there. I'm single. Don't listen to me. You're going to be sitting there single.

Speaker 1 17:25

No, no, no, no, no, no I'm going to give you my disclaimer, but it's learned because and I was listening to y'all conversation earlier and what you said- no Boundaries.

Speaker 3 17:37

Yes, it's starting to set boundaries.

Speaker 1 17:40

And so what's sad is that before, when Anthony and I were having issues with our marriage, I would always say that you're never home.

Speaker 1 17:50

Well of course not. He's on the motorcycle, that's his thing, that's like his fraternity. And the one thing he said to me that hurt my feelings, but it was so true. He said don't get mad at me because you don't have a hobby. And I was like, oh no, he didn't, yeah. And then I had to sit there and say, oh, he's right, I got to do something, because your whole life has been mommy, wifey. Always, always Working. When I got let go because of my disability, that was my identity, that was mine.

Speaker 1 18:25

To better lead the work, my working as a manager at a doctor's office taking care of other people. That was my identity, and when I lost that I had a problem Did you find something to do.

Speaker 2 18:36

Not yet, oh geez, Okay.

Speaker 1 18:38

So we're still trying to discover who Shirley is, that's so amazing At 60.

Speaker 3 18:43

At 60.

Speaker 4 18:45

Now we're trying to discover who Shirley is. There's something that we all have in common yes, single and married. One of the things that we talked about in one of our episodes was you get to middle age and you're trying to figure out what am I supposed to do next? But the difference is we said that we had the free time, that it was quiet. Right, it was quiet and we can do that. You're kind of in the same thing because you said where's my identity? Who am I? Who is cheryl at that midlife? Right, it's just that you still have your husband and family kind of surrounding you, but it's it's still there same.

Speaker 1 19:25

Thing it's right there and they have their own identities. And so, wow, uh, there was a facebook page. I think I had posted all three of my kids and I was like I'm so proud of them. They're out there living their lives. Anthony commented under there and said they get it from their dad, right? And I commented and said somebody had to be the disciplinary somebody had to be the disciplinary.

Speaker 2 19:52

Somebody had to be the same one to keep this thing going.

Speaker 1 19:57

And that's the truth. If you look at my children's page or my husband's page, they jumping on planes. They swimming with sharks. Wow.

Speaker 3 20:08

Well, what can you do or are you doing to try to discover who sure or free, cheryl cuz?

Speaker 4 20:17

she in there, whatever. Whatever it is in there, what?

Speaker 3 20:20

what are you doing, or trying to do, or what to do? I don't know. Ain't I not here?

Speaker 4 20:27

No, she ain't looking for me on the street, I know, but I'm just saying she ain't out there.

Speaker 1 20:31

But, but, but, but. There's nothing out here. But I don't wanna. I don't wanna go out looking like some old lady. I want somebody to say, oh, she lived a good life Like I. I'm still going to keep myself up and I'm a big flirt. This just, but I'm gonna tell you she a good wingman too.

Speaker 3 21:06

No, because surely get you in trouble, to be like sure. Oh no, because Cheryl would get you in trouble too. I'd be like Cheryl, no.

Speaker 1 21:11

Call her and talk to her. That's a joke with me and my son, because my son thought it was my husband that turned me out.

Speaker 3 21:19

Oh, turned me out and I was like no boo-boo.

Speaker 1 21:22

No, it was me. And he was like what? Yeah, it was your mama. Your daddy was a nice guy. Your mama was not a nice guy.

Speaker 3 21:36

Because they can't view mama in that light. Mama can't be sexual, mama can't be sexy, mama can't be the aggressive one.

Speaker 2 21:45

That's not mama, mama can't go out to dance.

Speaker 3 21:48

Lord you and this going out to dance.

Speaker 2 21:50

I just told my son.

Speaker 3 21:52

Me and my friends are going to.

Speaker 2 21:53

Ellery's. He's like that's not safe. Why are y'all going out? And I said here you go.

Speaker 1 21:58

When we went out to see your son sing.

Speaker 2 22:00

I love that.

Speaker 1 22:02

And here's the thing about that. Anthony will say I will take you to do those things.

Speaker 2 22:08

Well, sometimes I don't want you to go with me, I want to go have fun with my friends.

Speaker 1 22:14

I want to go out and act like yep, I'm single too.

Speaker 3 22:17

Don't, don't, don't, do that.

Speaker 1 22:19

I got a Google number, but I'm not doing that. Okay, look, we're going to cut this episode.

Speaker 2 22:26

What's going on? We're going to cut this episode.

Speaker 3 22:30

I know you do. Look, we gotta cut this episode, look, because we about to have nobody saying I'm over here breaking up, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 22:39

Only we can break up our marriage period even even when people have attempted to do so, and I've gotten text messages from people that say oh, we sharing the same man. Baby, tuck him in and make sure he don't catch a cold. Ok, because I need my bills paid. I'm not playing with you. If you got a connection with him, clearly he gave you a number or something. Oh my God. I'm not arguing with you. I'm not arguing with you. It's been too long and my name on everything.

Speaker 1 23:07

I'm not leaving, so you ain't breaking up the marriage.

Building a Foundation of Friendship

Speaker 3 23:13

If it's broken up, it's because you decided or he decided right and so that's my running joke.

Speaker 1 23:17

I'm like girl. Look, if long as you see that tattoo of my name on his body, I'm not going nowhere. All his grandchildren on his arm boo, he's stuck, he's stuck. But we're friends, we're friends. He's that person that I can look across the room and we don't have to say nothing and bust our laughing.

Speaker 2 23:39

Because he's a good guy To be a friend first.

Speaker 1 23:41

Yeah, I think it's important because, I don't know, I could just look, you know, to be able to look at one of your friends and be able to say, ok, I know that person has me. Yes, I don't have to worry about that person saying anything about me or allowing anybody else to hurt me in any type of way. So I don't have to worry about that, and I knew that with him because I always felt safe with him.

Speaker 4 24:12

no, that's, that's so important, yeah, it is he?

Speaker 1 24:16

he was my landing pad, like if I because I used to have a really, really, really bad temper, really bad used to I haven't met that hero, but I heard yeah there's another part of me, Right.

Speaker 1 24:32

You might have that make you see colors that you didn't know was there and he's always been. He's the opposite. He's the one that will reel me back and be like no, sheryl, what's that TikTok thing that they be saying? Somebody nice opens the door and somebody saying that, the other person jumping out from front saying what you said. You know, it's like that, like people would say to him you married to who? Because he's always the nice guy. Are we not gonna get in the way with you being nice?

Speaker 1 25:00

I'm gonna need to move because this, but we're not gonna do that, and so he always had a way of diffusing me. It's like yin and yang Absolutely, absolutely we are.

Speaker 3 25:17

Well, I'm glad you reeled this back, because I didn't know what direction we was going to head. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 25:22

I'm like no, no, no.

Speaker 1 25:24

Because you asked me what was I trying to do, to find myself. So just to go out there and like if I go somewhere I will sit there and text him and say you are still the most attractive man in the room and he may not be with me that's so great, but I can sit there and just like stand in the room and be like yeah, no, you know it's just, I still got the one, I still got it.

Speaker 3 25:50

I still got. I still got in the right hand and I think, as long as you, you feel that after 39 years it's still well, you got a good one, shara, yeah I don't even know where I was 39 years ago. Like what in the world?

Speaker 4 26:02

absolutely okay, wait, let me see like I'm calculating backwards, like like the passion, like how did you know the same things for that long? Like how do you guys keep it alive? Bring it back to like whatever you know how do you?

Speaker 1 26:17

have to bring it back alive, because you do get so comfortable that now we're just living, now we're just existing and if sex is the basis of your relationship, you're in trouble.

Speaker 2 26:29

Yeah I understand you're in trouble.

Speaker 1 26:32

Um, even with my condition, I I'm in pain a lot, but I hide it, um, and I don't think that he really understood it right until two months ago when he got sick. Out of all of these years, he's seen me taking me to the hospital, to the doctor, until he experienced that he was like oh my god, I don't know how you're doing this, I don't and I'm telling him they are, oh he was sick though, and I'm trying to explain to him how you need to take your pain meds, how you need to not don't chase the pain, say yeah, you gotta stay ahead.

Speaker 3 27:08

He didn't get it.

Speaker 1 27:09

He was just like. I am so sorry I'm so sorry because I didn't get it. So you know, and that's what I explained to my kids. I said sex is not the cornerstone of your relationship. You need to have some kind of connection, because what happens when that stops? Yeah, what happens if that has to take a break, and so the funny part of it is that you could not think about it for a while and all of a sudden he walked past and I smell come here we were watching when you was like I miss smelling a man, me and him, was watching that.

Speaker 1 27:52

Oh, y'all and he was sitting there, so I smell good and I just laugh. He makes me laugh, he makes me laugh and I'm you right, you right, you right, come on and so come on, lay down or I'll leave somewhere and he'll be like where are you going? You got 10 minutes. Listen, I love that I can give you 15. I can give you 15.

Speaker 1 28:16

Right, don't waste my time. In 10 minutes I can give you 15. So it's just really a comfort thing at this point, because it's not like I'm having sex like a marathon, like I'm trying to keep you.

Speaker 3 28:26

Right At this point.

Speaker 1 28:28

We're just relaxing with each other that's what it is you could fall on the floor, sometimes on vacation you know, but it is what it is.

Speaker 3 28:41

Oh wow, nice, I love it. A good love story yeah, it's still a love story?

Speaker 1 28:47

oh yeah, because there's not a lot of people out here to choose from these days. No, and I think that people have to get away from. Initially, you are attracted to what you see, so don't lie and say, oh, it was his eyes, oh, his conversation. No, you're attracted.

Speaker 3 29:05

Something draws you.

Speaker 1 29:07

It's a physical attraction. Something draws you Somewhere and you don't's a physical attraction, something draws you Somewhere and you you don't think so.

Speaker 4 29:14

No, what is she saying? I'm just saying that they have to be dropped dead for this. I always hear you say that that's a good looking man.

Speaker 3 29:20

She's just saying there's something that.

Speaker 1 29:22

Yeah, oh, for anybody. Yeah, like there's something you need that you see and be like oh, if you, if you're attracted to somebody if it's his smile okay swag the way he walked there was something that made you look twice.

Speaker 4 29:35

Yes, yes, that's not saying that's the person that you wind up no, no we're just speaking in general, like if you see someone you're like, oh shoot yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, because.

Speaker 1 29:44

But I think now I at least I see my, at least like my daughter's friends and stuff they want the guy to come with the whole package and sometimes you have to go ahead and put that package together because when, when anthony had nothing and I'm studying with him and we would go, a date would be go to the airport and we will watch the planes take off.

Keeping Romance Alive After Decades Together

Speaker 1 30:06

And it was part of a test for him because he had to be able to identify that plane in the sky 727 300, 204 and and we would be sitting there with the book looking up at the plane take off and laying they go and laid and I said I know my friends think I am so, corny, but for me that book was my future.

Speaker 2 30:28

So we think these days are willing to go through that with a guy. No, I don't see it. I'm the men. Will I leave you and they?

Speaker 1 30:39

go get the next.

Speaker 3 30:40

Thing that's what we, a lot of women, that's the problem. Be worried about that.

Speaker 1 30:44

That's it too because these women, I, you don't care to take what's yours no, they don't if they see that you think it's good they want it and I want it. Right, they want but you don't know what I put into it. Thank you to make it good like it's a recipe. If you take me out the recipe, baby, it's not the same it's not the same.

Speaker 3 31:08

It's not the same. It's okay. At this age and just talking to the ladies, I always felt like my younger Legra was ready to go through the fire with someone 55, legra Ain't got that kind of time. I don't have that kind of time.

Speaker 2 31:29

But you would think at this point people halfway got you, but if, but, if they did, we wouldn't all have four single people sitting on the couch.

Speaker 3 31:38

Well, we're in atlanta. It's a difference. Yeah, it's a difference. Why are you saying?

Speaker 2 31:42

because we're in atlanta like yeah, yeah, it's ten to one. It's different because I've heard men tell me, man, if you lived in Alabama or anywhere else I would have been married but because I'm here in Atlanta and it's 10 to 1, it's just way more women.

Speaker 1 31:57

Too many options for them it is it is.

Speaker 2 31:59

and then for women? Women have now become the aggressors with the men, because they have this scarcity complex. There aren't hardly any, you know, heterosexual men for us to mess with, so I don't care that he's with her. If he's showing me attention, I think I can pull him from her. Some men, no men, yeah, yeah, it's bad.

Speaker 3 32:17

We both seen him here the last time. Yeah, we did.

Speaker 4 32:21

You know what? Honestly, at the end of the day, who's for you?

Speaker 2 32:25

is for you.

Speaker 4 32:26

And I'm going to just be honest. I've never had a problem like ever with anybody. And I'm I don't. I'm not saying you guys have insecurity, so that's not what I'm saying, but what somebody do is what they do and at the end of the day, if I have somebody and somebody's coming for them as the receiver, they have the ultimate decision on how they respond.

Speaker 4 32:49

I don't give a damn who's coming after them and what they're doing, and I'm not jealous and I'm not sitting there trying to figure you out. You don't have to give me out. We didn't say all of this, but I'm just saying I'm not looking in your phone.

Speaker 3 33:03

Nope.

Speaker 4 33:03

I'm not trying to figure out what you're doing.

Speaker 3 33:05

I don't either.

Speaker 4 33:06

I'm not being insecure, I'm not being insecure. I'm not texting you and for me, the people that I date or whatever, they know that about me and I have never in any relationship ever gone back. Once I'm gone, I'm gone. Everybody know that. I'm very no nonsense in that way so I don't give a damn who's out there? Ain't nobody me. Ain't nobody out there. That's out there. Ain't nobody me. There's nobody out there. That's Charisse, that's me.

Speaker 4 33:33

There's somebody that's always going to have a better body longer hair, whatever they have going on, more money, whatever they have going on. So I don't care nothing about that, and in Atlanta I can still fool whoever, whatever it's not being here. How do you get that?

Speaker 2 33:52

to the younger girls, Because a younger me now I'm like that.

Speaker 3 33:55

But as a young girl.

Speaker 2 33:56

no, I did them with these phones. I think it's what we see.

Speaker 4 34:00

I think it's what we watch. I was younger and I probably was very different than I am now. You know what I mean and I'm sure my daughters see me different today. Then they saw you know more security. I feel you know more safe. Now I could honestly say I've always been a one. I think I've said that before. I Don't mind approaching somebody, so that may be a part of it too, but I'm not. I'm. I'm just not falling to that. I'm not falling into that thing about what Atlanta look like and what the other women are doing, because I just think that we give the I keep saying the receiver but the other person. We'll go after another woman and say what she's doing, but we never sit back and look at what the person who's the receiver they're coming at. They got to come after your man and what is he doing and how did they get his number his number.

Speaker 4 34:54

They said jump in their damn pocket or phone, that's right, but but because we don't want to deal with it, the accountability of holding that mfa responsible, exactly, we don't want to be responsible for holding him accountable. So we go jump on the other person and and they got something to do with it.

Speaker 1 35:10

Actually they don't know me.

Speaker 3 35:14

They don't owe me anything you owe me something yeah, and I'm not coming out with you, I'm not trying to figure out what you're doing when I don't feel comfortable or safe I'm done. It's all right. It's time for me to go. It's just that simple.

Speaker 1 35:26

I don't give a damn what city we live in, atlanta or anywhere else. I don't think I've ever, I don't think I don't think I have ever gone through his stuff yeah, because why never right? Right well I'm gonna do call her up and say, hey, I found your number in your phone.

Speaker 2 35:45

What?

Speaker 4 35:45

no people do. I'm never gonna say he's right, you will never see me right, I've never right. Never see me Swear, right, I've never Right.

Speaker 1 35:52

And it's the truth. It's like you said. People still come up to me oh, you married. Yes, are you happy?

Speaker 4 35:58

What People are bold yes. They do do that.

Speaker 2 36:01

Yeah, they will ask you, they don't care. People are bold, they don't care.

Finding Personal Identity Within Marriage

Speaker 4 36:05

But when you're, I feel like I'm not married either, but I feel like when your relationship is strong, even in dating, if y'all have something as strong as that, you're committed to or you really care about this person, then you really care about their emotions, and that comes with safety. That's what. That's what feeling safe, feel like like you're, we're here together and I don't have to worry and the second, those feelings come up or something's going on. I don't have to do, but that comes with mature conversations with somebody right.

Speaker 4 36:40

So when you're having mature conversations and you're dating or you decide whatever you're going to do, y'all do know, as women, we could be seeing somebody and then after a while we just assume we, they, whatever, and they never even ask us. You know, there's a lot of assumptions, but once and I always say we just doing this till we don't, until somebody asks the other person like we gotta have that.

Speaker 4 37:02

We have to have the adult conversation right, and then, once you do that, you have to feel secure and safe and be this is what it is. And as an adult, when it's not that, you have to feel secure and safe and be this is what it is. And as an adult, when it's not anymore, then you have to be an adult and let's have a conversation to move this along.

Speaker 1 37:19

What are we doing? What are we doing?

Speaker 4 37:21

People just don't do that. It's communication. We don't communicate like we should.

Speaker 2 37:25

Well that's why I think friendships to build a friendship first is the foundation, yes, and I build friendships with everyone that I've dated to, where I don't have like real bad breakups they're, they're real amicable, and I'm like yeah, this ain't, this ain't uh working out for me. I release you out of love and I can see her. We just yeah, and so that's when they're well. You have abandonment issues because of your past and I'm like like, oh, friend, you throwing up.

Speaker 1 37:50

What's going?

Speaker 2 37:51

on Like don't, don't do that and it's not to have abandonment issues.

Speaker 4 37:56

I'm just not going to keep putting up with your shit at the end of the day and I release you.

Speaker 2 38:00

I love. And I'm still cool with a lot of my exes. We still have conversations because I just don't have bad breakups.

Speaker 3 38:12

I really communicate as an adult, but I like what you say. We're just what you say. We're doing this until we're not until we're not, yeah, we're just about to start running that?

Speaker 2 38:17

yeah, I'm about to use the shit out of it because at the end of the day, that's right that's. That's what it is. And if I feel like we're not meshing and this ain't going anywhere, hey, let's have a conversation. And I have adult comment and they're uncomfortable. A lot of times they just sitting there tapping, can't believe this.

Speaker 1 38:32

You doing me like this and hey, yeah, I mean me and anthony have gone through phases where we didn't talk. I mean he worked that night, I worked during the day and it would just be ships passing in the night right and just be like like you said. Then you got to be an adult.

Speaker 2 38:49

Say okay what's going on now? What's what we what, what, what let's talk.

Speaker 1 38:54

So who's?

Speaker 2 38:54

the bigger person, you or him? Who's the bigger person? You mean, like who's going to apologize?

Speaker 1 38:58

first I feel like, I feel like I feel like I'm the one that always has to back down, because I'm like anthony will sit there like real calm, and then you feel crazy like dang calm, dang okay, he's not gonna look. Dang, and it used to be a place where I yelled a lot and then I stopped and looked and I was like he don't hear me. Okay, okay, I can't hear when you yell, yeah.

Speaker 1 39:36

Yeah, so then I stopped and even my son had a situation where he upset me and I said nothing and for days my son was like I'm going gonna need you to yell at me, cuss me out something because something ain't right, something I don't like.

Speaker 4 39:54

This I don't like this?

Speaker 1 39:56

you not saying that that's like danger right, there right and it. I got to a point now where I'll say you know, the warning is okay, you start running when I say all right now yeah, that yeah, because I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, and that drives him crazy and he's like cheryl say something to me, what?

Speaker 3 40:18

what would you?

Speaker 2 40:19

like me to say oh, they hate that I ain't got nothing.

Speaker 4 40:22

No, we in trouble then I have a question now that we're talking, my wheels are spinning. Now my wheels are spinning, so you know you'll hear therapists or people talk about. Well, everybody, the ultimate goal is is to get married right, so why?

Speaker 4 40:40

are you with somebody? Why are you doing that if y'all don't plan on getting married? You see that a lot on tiktok, instagram and all of that stuff. But first of all, everybody I mean everybody is not looking to get married. But the question is when you're in this dating realm, isn't that something that you think that should be discussed? If that's what your ultimate goal is, yeah, it's not wasting time, right?

Speaker 2 41:03

yeah, that's yes. That's what your ultimate goal is.

Speaker 4 41:05

Yeah, that's like I know you want your girl.

Speaker 3 41:08

Saying deaf partner is being that you want your deaf buddy yeah that's a conversation that you're having up front yeah, okay, you know, I was just curious about that.

Speaker 2 41:20

Yeah, and my current one was like oh, I don't know, one get me and I'm like so, okay, we basically gonna do this till it's done till.

Speaker 3 41:26

You're not till, I'm not yeah but there's no surprise yeah, I already told you don't sit over here. You'll be single. Okay, don't okay.

Speaker 2 41:36

Yeah, I have those conversations yeah, I let them know. I'm dating with a purpose and this is my intention. What are yours? Oh, I know okay but you're but, you're still dating.

Speaker 3 41:50

Yeah, don't, don't come on this side of the couch with me well, no, it's.

Speaker 2 41:54

It's companionship for me and, I guess, for both of us. Currently we're companions to each other. We both know what we want and we just don't do it until it's done yeah honestly, and so that conversation is like yeah, I think, okay, I want all right, man, it's been cool and yeah, and we'll just go about our way. We'll still be friends, of course, but no, we'll just go, but do you feel like?

Speaker 1 42:17

because someone is in that space, what you're looking for can't come into that space because it's already occupied.

Speaker 2 42:22

No, I walk around every day. I'm one hell of a way. One hell of a way. She said one hell of a way. Some might speak to me, but people don't. And that's actually how he got in. Men don't approach me, they just don't, they just stare and stare and stare and the fact that you go hey, can I talk? They just don't, they just stare, and stare and stare.

Speaker 4 42:49

And the fact that you're like hey, I was like, oh shit, and that's also. I respect you as a man, because men do not, it's like they're scared of me or something.

Speaker 2 42:52

Yeah, and I was like man, you're a whole man out here and I appreciated that about him and this, our friendship, just kind of grew into something we were friends and we're real good friends. He's like you're my best friend and so we're really really good friends, so you're so animated so there's.

Speaker 1 43:15

There's no secret sauce, it's just day by day it is day day, it is year by year. It is just building stuff together. Yeah, not material stuff, but just. Yeah, it's just, and you look up and it's 39 years later.

Speaker 2 43:35

It'll be 40 in August. Look at that.

Speaker 1 43:38

You sit there and be like whoa, that's a lot.

Speaker 3 43:42

But that's a flex too. Whoa what in the world? That's a lot, but that's a flex too, though it's a merit to somebody.

Speaker 2 43:45

Like that's the biggest flex that you have a relationship that just lasted through time and time ups and downs, like a lot of people can't say that yeah, they can't say that Well, that's why we had to have somebody else come on the couch because none of us say

Speaker 1 44:00

that.

Speaker 2 44:01

Yeah, else come on the couch, because none of us say that, yeah we can't say that.

Speaker 1 44:03

It's definitely a ride for sure, and I think what I respect for him is that he does. I allow him to be him yes, that's so important, so right like we gotta work on cheryl.

Speaker 4 44:14

We gotta work on cheryl. I'm actually excited.

Speaker 1 44:18

I'm now getting excited about opening myself up to things like because people invite me to things that before I wouldn't go, mm-hmm, I'm not gonna bother stuff. But now I'm going out there, you know, just to see what Cheryl enjoy, not to throw myself up, you're right.

Speaker 4 44:43

Not I mean you know, he, he knows you have a good set of friends and I think it's really gonna have a good time.

Speaker 1 44:48

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah right, like it is weird for me when we moved to the south from jersey, like my friends knew that they were welcome to my house. You're just welcome to my house if I'm I didn't get home yet. Whatever anthony's there going in the house, you know, do eat your food, whatever. When we moved here and people were like, oh, you're not home, okay, I'm just gonna sit in the car and wait till you get here what it's a hospital, a southern respect hospitable thing down here right but that was weird to us because, now are who, who, who don't, who don't you trust you or him?

Speaker 2 45:27

because I don't, I don't know. I just think it's just like that that's ridiculous.

Speaker 4 45:33

Go in the house like what are you talking about me in my house if I'm not here, see, that's just well, I mean if my family, because it's always a family so it's never just him in the house, it's always somebody so go and make yourself comfortable, I'll call.

Speaker 1 45:46

You can be like, hey, so-and-so, sitting in the driveway and y'all know, anthony, he will be like, get out of the car, just come in the house and and people be like, oh okay, and then they'll call back like I'm in the house, oh okay, this is fine, I'll be there in a minute. Just hold on, I'll be there in a minute. Don't take your coat off.

Setting Boundaries and Communication Tips

Speaker 1 46:02

If you feel that way, that was weird for us because we're we are such a enveloping family like everybody's, like, oh, come on in, take off your shoes, relax, yeah, kind of atmosphere. And to to not meet people that aren't like. That is weird to me and that's my discernment. It's like, okay, I'm not, I'm not kicking it with it's you, but what? You are no, but there are certain people that I absolutely I am not, you're not getting my address period.

Speaker 1 46:35

Um. So that's the part of me that's now opening myself up to saying, hey, it's okay for you to go out and do xyz, it's okay for you to tell anthony, hey, I need the car today because I'm going to x, y and z and I think he is happier now.

Speaker 2 46:50

She's doing stuff I'm not sitting in the house.

Speaker 1 46:53

When you come home I can see that you gotta play 5 30 while you're in the home. It's 5's 545. I think he's happier like y'all was getting dressed and I was sitting at the table. He was like, ok, I'm getting ready to go get this car fixed. I'm going to be downtown. He was like you, good, I'm good. Ok, goodbye, because he's like she's out the house. Oh, shoot.

Speaker 4 47:15

Well, she ain't going to get the house.

Speaker 1 47:18

You're outside, I'm outside, she's outside baby I'm outside and I love, it Okay, a lot of my habits, unfortunately, are things that I can only do myself. You know, like crocheting or making my rugs and stuff. Those are things that I. It's not a group effort. So I have to purposely say I'm not doing that today. I'm putting that down and I'm gonna go out. So if he'll call me, he'd be like you went to the mall, what?

Speaker 4 47:48

by yourself.

Speaker 1 47:49

Yes, I went to the mall by myself. I didn't like it, but I went to the mall and it's funny to them because my entire family feels the same way. Like she. Not in the house when she at what?

Speaker 3 48:01

You're calling me 500 times Even my grandson now calls me.

Speaker 1 48:07

I'm just calling to see what you're doing.

Speaker 4 48:09

Girl. I was scared them. Girls are deaf about staying home that much.

Speaker 3 48:13

They dragged me to the mental institution.

Speaker 1 48:16

But and then again.

Speaker 3 48:18

another part of that is, I'm my mother's caretaker now, so that's a whole nother conversation about taking care of your aging parents, right.

Speaker 1 48:26

I got to make sure somebody's covering me when I'm running out. So just like you, and you call and I said give me them dates, because I got to write it on family calendar.

Speaker 4 48:36

So y'all know, none of y'all can go away this week because I'm out and before I would have been like no.

Speaker 1 48:41

I? No, I can't go. I gotta take care of my mom and I feel like I missed out on a lot. Yeah, doing that, not thinking somebody else can do it, right that they can help. Okay, if you don't do it the way I did it, I come home she's still alive, right? Or they'll call me on facetime to be like your mother's not cooperating today. I'm gonna need you to talk to her. So we go on FaceTime and the first thing she says when you're coming home soon I'm not giving you a date because then you'll be calling me. It's that day you're not home, so I'll be like you'll be all right, everything's fine. You're not connected to no IB poles and they're like that. You're still up and walking around and they'll be like she ain't taking her medicine. Oh well, she don't want to do right, it'll wait till I get home. So that's a that's a new thing for me to let that go, to let that go and not think, oh my god, she's gonna die while I'm gone.

Speaker 3 49:39

Put yourself first, so you're going to have to come to our classes.

Speaker 4 49:44

Are we doing what Belly dancing? We're going to do a belly dancing we're going to do.

Speaker 3 49:48

we have a sexologist that is coming on in a couple of episodes that we have scheduled to come on and join us. Who's going to? Not to say first of all, not to say we ain't sexy, but to get that inner sexy back, if that makes sense, because we've been mommy, and mommy and wifey and everything else for so long I want that little sex kitten back.

Speaker 1 50:15

It is.

Speaker 3 50:16

That's a yeah.

Speaker 1 50:17

To find yourself to say I'm still relevant, yes, that.

Speaker 3 50:21

I'm still. That's the whole purpose of timeless and unfiltered from every aspect, from your being married, from being single just for being over 50, just for being over 40 that we're still relevant we're not disposable we are still relevant.

Speaker 1 50:38

I have a third eye in my forehead Right.

Speaker 3 50:41

And.

Speaker 1 50:42

I still need to in that Kelly Rowland line. I keep myself up. But, now I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it for me so yep, all right.

Speaker 3 50:53

Well, I can't wait to see how you evolve in this new Cheryl. Not that we just don't love Cheryl, but if Cheryl is going to be more than what she already is, she's going to be a hot mess, and I can't wait to see her. I live for all of it Don't come on this side of the couch with me, but I'm going to live for all of it, but thank you so much for joining us.

Speaker 4 51:14

Thank you for having me. We love a good love story.

Speaker 3 51:17

Thank you, I'm glad you made it Well. You guys can't see, but we got our EP Mo over there. Thanks Mo, thanks Mo, you hold us down. Man, and this is another episode of Timeless is Unfiltered, and I'm Allegra.

Speaker 4 51:29

I'm Stephanie, I'm Charisse and I'm Evanya.

Speaker 3 51:31

And we're going to keep on, keep on, keep on spilling the tea on midlife. One laugh at a time.

Speaker 4 51:37

Thank you, you guys like follow?

Speaker 3 51:39

subscribe. Yes, like follow and subscribe right now.