Flashback Friday: My Therapist’s Take on the Midlife Mess

Originally released in January of 2026 as Episode 7, Lara sits down with her therapist, Kelly Quarles, for a real-life look at what healing can actually feel like—messy, layered, hopeful, and very human. Kelly shares her path from journalism to trauma therapy, why she believes trauma isn’t only “big T” events, and how therapy can help when your world flips upside down.

Together, they revisit Lara’s early days in therapy after a major life upheaval—grieving the loss of the life she thought she had, the friendships that fell apart, and a future dream (including the possibility of another baby) that suddenly felt out of reach. Kelly names what Lara was carrying: complex grief, stacked in layers, and validates that “being strong” doesn’t mean rushing past sadness.

They also get practical about mental health support: Lara opens up about antidepressants, a tough attempt to taper off, and how medication can be a powerful tool to “turn the volume down” enough to do the deeper work.

The conversation closes on growth—Lara’s breakthroughs, new parts of her personality emerging, and even the “fun” healing goals (a tattoo, touching a snake, and skydiving… two out of three so far). They also touch on parenting, why men need therapy, and why therapy can be useful even when you’re not in crisis—and healing isn’t a straight line.

Book your appointment in Mt. Pleasant or Charleston, SC, with Kelly's team at, https://guidedhealingclinicaltherapy.com/. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_03 0:05

Hello and welcome to the Midlife Mess podcast. Wow, I've been thinking about doing this for probably three years now. And I'm really trying to lean into my done over perfect era. So here we go. My name is Laura Thompson. I am a single, divorced, working mom. I'm 42 years old. And I just bought a house with my 70 year old parents. Welcome to my midlife mess. Hello and welcome, midlifers, to episode seven. That's so exciting. Thank you guys for listening and being here. I am very excited to introduce you to my guest today. Someone that I've been talking about a lot on this podcast so far, my therapist, Kelly Corals. Hi. Thank you for being here today. Thank you for having me. And just in general, for being so supportive of my crazy podcast dream. You've been hearing about this for a long time, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:12

I have. I'm proud of you for being in a place where it's finally coming to execution.

SPEAKER_03 1:18

It was a long time coming, it feels like. I think there was a minute there where I kind of thought, am I ever gonna do this? And I feel it was it's been a few months ago now, but I could feel this shift of my friends that I'd mentioned something about it to, kind of being like annoyed hearing me talk about it. Cause I think they were like, Okay, well, if you're gonna do it, then do it and stop talking about it, you know. Did you ever think that I was just never gonna do it? I don't think that I personally would have let that happen.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Um, I I think that you were gonna do it. I think you had to get to a place where you felt ready to do it. And I think that you were patient and graceful with yourself, and then here you are.

SPEAKER_03 2:02

Just like all things, they will happen in the right time, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Yeah, yep.

SPEAKER_03 2:08

That's what we keep saying about my love life, right? That's true.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

That is true.

SPEAKER_03 2:13

You're getting closer. I can feel it. Oh my gosh. If only if Kelly and I could manifest my my man, my person, I mean, dang, it's gonna be a good one. We'll see. I'm working on it. We're working hard on it. Yep, yep. I wanted to just, I think it's important to get like anyone's history a little bit that we're talking to on here. It's a very personal pod. And it's, I think most of our most of my listeners are in Charleston, but a lot of them are not. And so it's kind of fun to let them in on the fact that there aren't that Charleston has become such a mix of people from all over the place that it's kind of rare that you have somebody that has basically lived here their whole life and you like almost have, you're from Hilton Head, right? Which is not far.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Right around the corner. And yes, I was born there, and then I was there until I left.

SPEAKER_03 3:16

And I think that's such a I know we've talked about it a little bit, but it's such a it sounds to me like that would have been a really unique childhood, like growing, because if any, um most people have probably at least heard of Hilton Head, but it truly is like an island and it's like mostly a resort town, right?

SPEAKER_01 3:37

I mean, there's pockets of lots of big, huge, like living communities and neighborshood that you would never know even existed, just driving from like the southern south end of the island to the north end of the island for like most of the tourist things, but yes, definitely like a busy tourist season, and our lot of our jobs growing up revolved around um the tourist schedule. Yeah, I mean, having grown up there in the 80s is typically when people started to transplant there from out of town, and so it wasn't a southern upbringing. And when I met people over time who were like, why don't you have a southern accent? And I'm like, literally nobody who grew up on Hilton Head was truly from the South. Yeah. You know, at that point, there was like one rush you can only buy essentials on Sundays, and so it's very different then than it was now. So it's a lot of people from a lot of different places became sort of a melting pot between E and me too.

SPEAKER_03 4:26

Yeah. Wow. I yeah, so many people, I feel like most people that I know that are from directly in like Charleston or the coastal area of South Carolina that are our age don't really have an accent, but their parents do.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

I can think of I can think of a couple people right well, yeah. One of my friends who I worked with her and her dad for a long time, and yeah, you would never really know in particular like where she was from, but her dad was so funny and he had you know all these little like sayings and it was great.

unknown 5:09

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 5:12

So when did you did you go to school to be a counselor or a therapist?

SPEAKER_01 5:19

Um so I went to my undergrad with a degree in journalism via uh bachelor's in communications, and then as I was learning more about that process and interviewing people and learning about their stories, I had I was drawn to the deeper meaning of people's stories of who they are and not just on the surface of what makes them that way, but the much deeper parts of them that have existed over years that maybe have or have not been addressed to come together to make a person who they are. And so it wasn't quite enough for me connecting with people just in the capacity of a journalism sense. And so that drove me to graduate school to do studies in psychology and then to become a therapist, which then turned into trauma therapy over more evolving towards that career.

SPEAKER_03 6:05

That's how it started, that's how how it is now. I can totally see that that transition now. Um, I I took a couple journalism was something that I was interested in school too. So we kind of did it backwards. I have my degree in psychology and then didn't exactly use that. And yeah, you like don't, but then did. It's great. But yeah, either one of them are like an interest in people and finding out their story. That's really cool. And it's funny, you you specialize in trauma, right? And one of the things that made me, so when I got my bachelor's in psychology, I remember, like in my mind, all growing up, I wanted to be Dr. Lara, right? And have people sit like on my leather couch and tell them how to guide them through whatever they're going through. And I remember being a senior in college, and I just kind of felt like I had to be really honest with myself about I didn't feel like I had the capacity to take on other people's problems and to like hear like some really awful stuff and then go home and still be a you know light and and bright person with my family and you know, and kids and stuff. And and I remember I told you about that one day when I was kind of considering going down that formal path again, and you were like, Yeah, but people get better. And that just made so much sense to me. And I think that's so beautiful. And I don't know how do you was there a time when you when that was hard for you to like compartmentalize?

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Yeah, well, I think that, you know, I think that people come into the field of trauma therapy specifically, typically for two different reasons. And of course, this is not always the case, but generally what we see is that people come in either to heal themselves, which we don't recommend necessarily, or because they have been through a series of their own life traumas that equip them better from a healed perspective to show up for other people. And so that was more my path. And so having gone through, you know, a series of my own life traumas throughout time really allowed me to share space with people who could identify with their own sad and broken parts of themselves at certain times. And I can sit with that, having experienced that myself and resonate with that and hold space for that. I mean, I think, and yeah, they and like I said that one day, they do get better. And so there's hope in it. There's hope in good trauma therapy. And so the goal is not to, you know, just sit in a painful space forever, but to grow and to heal from it. And that's the beauty in trauma therapy. As far as compartmentalizing, I mean, I can't think of an acute time that it was harder for me to like compartmentalize that than others. You know, I don't leave my job at 5 p.m. and leave all that behind me. Those stories kind of become part of my existence in this world as well. So for me, there's not a separating, it's a carrying it, even when I'm not holding space with somebody face to face with an office. I'm always carrying. And so it all just kind of comes together for me in the way that I operate my life outside of the therapy office.

SPEAKER_03 9:26

That's something that I really appreciate about you that is that has been different about other therapists that I've worked with in the past, is that you are open to outside of the office contact. Um, I mean, I I can tell that you like probably don't check your messages at 11 p.m. at night, which is good, and you definitely need to have those like healthy boundaries with clients. But it's on like it's such a relief from the client perspective that okay, I don't have to be out here on my own, all except for like one hour a week, or you know, yeah. So I just I really appreciate that, and that's so lovely. And I feel like I love that it's such a clear the things that have happened in your life have equipped you to be this person for so many other people, and that that gives all of that stuff in your life purpose. And I really I don't at some point I realized that I'm really drawn to people that have been through some gnarly shit too, because I mean, surface stuff is not enough for me to, you know, and as long as they're like, as long as they like want to do something positive with their trauma, I guess. And I don't remember if we have ever exactly, I'm sure I've explained this at some point in our last five years that we've been working together. But my like high school friend, who, you know, I just had a really strong connection with, he was in a car accident when he was little that took his mom and I think two brothers. He was the only one in the car that survived. So he lived, yeah, he lived like two doors down from me. He lived with his aunt and his grandmother. And that was his only, though, like that was his closest surviving family. I think his dad had actually passed like in a separate incident when he was even younger. It wasn't really something that he ever talked about. There was just more so like a knowingness that life is not, I don't know. I just feel like he like moved through the world with a depth that most people, especially at that age, didn't have. And so I just always like, I think that's what made us so close, is because we could just talk about like big thoughts and big feelings, because those were things that he had already been through. And then obviously with my other like major connection in my adult life, Mr. DOD, as we're referring to him as he had certainly been through some stuff in his childhood and that you know he had had a very intense life up until just about the time that I met him. So yeah, it's hey, it gives you something to talk about, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Yep, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

Oh so speaking of five years ago when I found you, I don't know. It's I guess anybody that has listened to the bio episode would know what was going on in my life um in 2020, the end of 2020, beginning of 2021. And I didn't necessarily, it was funny, I didn't necessarily think, oh, I've got some like major trauma. Let me find like a trauma specialist, but I think it certainly worked out that's something that you're really comfortable with, right? So when we when I first came in, what did you like? What was your first impression of me or what was my diagnosis? Because I know you have to like give people a diagnosis.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

So your initial diagnosis was adjustment disorder with anxiety and depressed mood, which basically means that in your case, your life had been turned upside down and you're looking for support. And then correlating with that comes, of course, mood dysregulation challenges, things that come along with anybody's rod kind of being turned upside down. And so that was your initial diagnosis. And then, as you shared with me, your ADHD diagnosis that was tacked on as well, just because you were already diagnosed with that. And so the adjustment disorder um by the DSM expires after six months. So it's not a long-term diagnosis, it's basically a response to your circumstances. And so we started with that, and then that evolved into just your ADHD diagnosis, which was a pre-existing which part your own time together. When you came in though, my first impression was that your world had been turned upside down and there was trauma, even though you weren't necessarily identifying with that. My definition of trauma is not necessarily the definition via the DSM manual that anything that's really shifted your paradigm in the world and has made you feel unsafe in any way. To me, it could be considered a traumatic event. For some kids, that's their first thinking. For some kids, that is, for some adults, that is a divorce or some of the things that you went through, but most certainly shifted your paradigm in the world and your safety in the world and your sense of that emotional safety and psychological safety. And that's where that's where you were. A positive first impression of you was just the tenacity. And I don't say this for all of my patients, but even through your hardest, darkest times that we that we have worked through, there was a knowing that you would always be okay, a rooted, measured resilience, I would say, that has been the thread throughout our time together, through good times, through dark times, all of it. There's to me just a part of you that I've always known will find a way to be okay.

SPEAKER_03 15:11

I think a big part of that is the medication I take. I was trying to think like, when is a time, because I I do in general feel like, okay, we're going, like this is hard, but it's not gonna always be this hard. So I was trying to think of a time that I didn't feel that way, that I really felt like I don't see a way out of this. Listener, full disclosure, I take a an antidepressant. I actually started taking that right in like postpartum. The newborn phase was really hard for me. I never knew that I cherished sleep, like I found out that I did. My daughter was not a great sleeper when she was for the first probably three or four months. And I remember one day, I think at my like six-week follow-up, after I had her, I told my doctor that I think I would describe my mood as gray. Like it's just like I'm here, but there's not a lot of light happening. And so he's who originally prescribed me an antidepressant. I don't remember, I think maybe we added on the anti-anxiety when I was going through that major life transition. Then, so I'd been taking that stuff for a couple of years. And so a couple of years ago, I thought, I don't need this stuff anymore. I'm gonna try to, you know, get rid of that. And I talked to my, you know, my medical doctor about it and talked about like a schedule to, you know, wean off of it. I tried that, and when I dropped the antidepressant completely, you know, a few days after I'd stopped taking that entirely, it was dark. And I remember like just being curled up in a ball on my couch. It must have been a weekend when Caroline wasn't with me. And I think that I like either called or sent my mom a text and said something that, you know, that like alarmed her. And they like showed up as they do. I just remember telling her, like, I can't live like this. This is, yeah, like this is dark. Like, I tried to wean off this stuff and it's not going well. And and it, yeah, it just felt like everything was heavy. And there wasn't anything at like additional going on then. It was a good experiment to do, right? Because then it let me see, okay, you do still need a little bit of this because you do still have this kind of underlying restlessness that my life is not exactly how I would want it to be right now. And then I I think I ended up like taking like half of the dose that I had been taking, and that seems like a happy place for me now. How do you work with medication and depression and trauma? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Well, that specifically was a time that you were seeing me. And there was one of those, one of our Tuesdays that you were in my office, and I would say probably the first 45 minutes of the session, you were crying. Um, and then admitted to me after 45 minutes of the session that you had decided to take yourself off of your antidepressant. Yeah, you're like, what is going on? Like, this could have been helpful 45 minutes ago. Um and then we agreed together to try half a dose, I believe. In terms of medication for things like depression or symptoms related to trauma, I think there's a lot of power in it. I think, you know, you you were spot on by saying, hey, maybe I'll try to go without it for a little while or wean myself off and see why not. I think that's there's a lot of power in that too, to kind of temperature check yourself. I think it's a great tool if we just need to turn the volume down on the symptoms just enough to do the work in my office. And sometimes we can't do the work if the volume's too high on their symptoms.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

Yeah, I'm glad you I'm glad you said that because it reminded me like kind of how I was feeling like that maybe I don't need this much. Cause I think I had told you like there are some things that I feel like should make me sad that I'm not reacting to. And that kind of scared me. And also it's like, I want to actually do the work to get through this. I don't want to just numb myself. So yeah, I feel like they're just both good tools, right?

SPEAKER_01 19:45

Yep. Absolutely. Not always forever, and sometimes forever, right? And working with a psychiatrist is the best way forward with that, especially if you're on more than one medication. I try to steer people away from just saying a PCP for prescribing. If you're if you're on more than one medication or specific types of medications and being in the hands of a really great psychiatrist to support your therapy, journey is very powerful.

SPEAKER_03 20:09

Yeah. As we worked through my trauma around five years ago, and I guess I can say a little bit more about the place that I was in because I want people to know where I was in case they are there and want and need a little bit of a roadmap. I think what I said in the bio episode was just that, you know, that my husband at the time, I guess you could call it, had a midlife crisis. And, you know, all the things that that that conjures in your head is basically what was happening. And it was just that the biggest the biggest trauma piece for me was that so much of my life I thought was one way, and all of a sudden it wasn't. That is just that's really hard to shift. And I think two of the biggest pieces that we had to get through were the friend that exited my life uh pretty soon after I separated, because I I never got any true confirmation from her, right? As to like why she exited my life after I confronted her about her involvement in his midlife crisis. No one, you know, no one has ever like really confirmed that for me. It's just that I never heard from her again. And it's like something, yeah, silence speaks louder than words sometimes, right? And honestly, I've you know, I've thought about it since and I I don't know if it's that she was like obsessed with him. And so if he wasn't in my life, then what was the point of being friends with me anymore? But I don't feel like that was it because she was still friends with me after he after we were separated. Either way, though, there's so many fun times that I had earlier in my life with her and my ex that I can't look back on in the same way. Then the other piece was that I was like fully ready to I thought we were going to start having another baby. And that's so I was 37 and I think that was part of why I like jumped into dating. Right? Because it was like, all right, this one piece is gone, but that's just one piece. We need to just next next man up, kind of thing. It felt like, yeah, it kind of felt like a piece of the puzzle was gone, but that you know, there's other pieces out there, so let's hurry up and find him. And as that time has gone on and my uterus is older, uh it's just it's it's kind of been like a slow burn of me realizing that that that the likelihood of that happening is just less and less. And so there was a lot of grief there. And I mean it's that's probably that's probably been the hardest thing because that's something that I can't do anything about. Well, we've talked about if I had all the money in the world, right? I would have just like got a sperm donor.

unknown 23:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:59

Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, had a had another baby and had a sibling for Caroline. And so yeah, I mean, as she grows up and as her friends have, you know, like most of her friends have siblings, and I just I feel a certain amount of guilt for that because I mean I chose to leave my ex even though he had done some really bad things. I think that in a per in his perfect world, I would have stayed and kept his like white picket fence vision happening. So I could have had another baby, maybe, I guess, if I had just played along with him. But that's not the life I would want for that baby.

SPEAKER_01 24:55

When you came in, you were managing many, many layers of complex grief. You were managing trying to manage the grief of your past life, you know, the loss of what should have been your best friend and your husband. You were managing the grief of the death of a dream for how you thought the future would look for you and and for your daughter, and you were grieving your current life at the time and saying goodbye and to lots and lots of things in your life when you came in. And there's a complexity on all of those layers of all of the things that you were that you were saying goodbye to and grieving deeply, and you know, it's endless the layers of things that shifted for you and the depth of of what that meant for you when you first came into my office.

SPEAKER_03 25:48

I think I've always appreciated that you have never made me feel silly or shallow for still being sad sometimes. And I think I think like in this world today of social media, like there's social media can be good for a lot of things. There are so many accounts that are like strong divorced mamas and you know, all this stuff. And it's like, I just if anybody is listening to this and is like carrying the weight of your life changing and not the way that you wanted it to, and the whole world is just telling you, like, just get over it, just be strong, just keep going. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I will. But it's still okay to be sad and really feel those feelings. So I've always I've really appreciated always feeling like I have a space for that. What do you think has been my biggest breakthrough or the thing that I have changed about myself the most in a good way, and then something that I still need to work on.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

Yeah. So I have two answers come to mind. My first one is that what happens in this slow, beautiful healing process is that parts of you once we when we were kind of speaking about turning the volume down on some of these acute symptoms when someone first comes into the office. There's a combination of things that happen. And when we manage the trauma and the grief and we work through it, on the other side of that, I get to see parts of people's personalities that I couldn't see at the beginning simply because we have to manage the trauma at hand. And then there's almost like a new emergence of new parts of my people that I get to see come through. Once we've managed that, there's space, there's space for other things to come into the room. And with that, also is kind of twofold because you're growing as it's happening. So I get to see parts of you now, and once we've gotten through like the hardest parts of your time in here, new beautiful emerging parts of you that were always there, but have grown and also have made a presence in the office. And so I would say some of those, I mean, I would identify you as someone who has like a creative, fertile mind, which is basically the idea when you think of like fertile soil and an abundance of growth that can come when it's nurtured. And then when you think about what I think about when I think about a creative, fertile mind is somebody who is able and willing and tenacious about making connections amongst concepts that maybe other people can't, you know, a deeper, a need for deeper meaning and in and a need for deeper relationships, people who generate ideas regularly and thrive in curiosity. And so those are the parts of you that I've gotten to see not only grow now that you've moved past this acute trauma, but also parts of you that I would not have clearly seen while we were managing just like how trauma presents itself when you're in a crisis. You know, we don't get to see all the other beautiful parts quite yet. And so I would say that as far as progress goes, those have been some of my favorite things to see about you. And then in a way that you the funnier answer in my mind, that was a more serious answer, was back in it must have been during our time together in 2022 when you wanted to face your three fears. And those were getting a tattoo, touching a snake, and skydiving, right? Am I right? Okay. To date, you've done two of three of those. Yes. But your commitment to address those fears, and no one was holding you accountable for that. No one. Like people are like, great, if you do it, you do it. You know what I mean? If you don't, you don't. But you, like the level with which you held yourself accountable to, you know, touching a snake is not a therapy goal. Facing your fears was, and like you straight up took that completely upon yourself and relentlessly were not going to give up on those goals until you did that. And so seeing you challenge yourself in that way was really very cool. And that feels like a really long time ago now. But that's the funny thing that comes to mind is your commitment to yourself and not to anybody else to face your three fears until you did.

SPEAKER_03 30:12

That I love like remembering that. And it's so funny to feel like, oh, like I'm past that, and I can look back at that because it was such a big deal, right? Yeah, I got a tattoo. If this was a visual podcast, then y'all could see. Yep. Maybe I'll post a picture of it and do a side-by-side of like how I found it and like what it means and stuff. That was a really big deal because I had always said to myself, like, because my ex has a just a couple of tattoos, they're mostly hidden, but I had just always thought to myself that I can't think of something that I would want to put on my body permanently. And I kind of felt like after I'd been through what I'd been through and you know, starting to come out of it, I kind of felt like my life was, and I guess we can say messy. This is the midlife mess. I kind of felt like the canvas of my life was like had some scars on it, and that I wanted like my body physically to match that. But it like has a beautiful message in the you know, the thing that I put on my body to look at for the rest of my life and remind me that it's gonna be okay, right?

SPEAKER_01 31:35

Yeah, I think ink is definitely a sign of healing for you, and it's a vision reminder. Yep, facing your fears, looking looking those fears right in the face.

SPEAKER_03 31:45

And then thank God I had touched a snake before that big one was in my backyard and I had to fight with it. Holy moly! And I really want if you knew me, my younger self, I was terrified of snakes, so much so that like my parents, if my brother or just anyone would like you know, try to tease me about it, my parents would be like, no, seriously, like she's not okay with this. I could not, if one of my little nephews, they one of them has this like big, stuffy, like stuffed snake. And now it doesn't bother me. But when he first got it and brought it to my parents' house a few years ago, I was like, I couldn't be in the same room with it that bothers me that much. There was a day when I was walking along. My favorite place that I go for walks around here is the Stono River County Park. It's gorgeous. Go there if you've never been. It's probably like a mile and a half walk. Part of it, you're walking through like a pretty wooded area, and there's just kind of a little path that's just like gravel and dirt and stuff. And I was walking along, and I always, when I was walking through that part, I always thought, oh, a snake could come out at any minute. One day I just thought, well, who cares? The worst thing that could have happened to my life has already happened. And I'm still here. I'm still walking, I'm still out here in the sunshine. And I I just thought, bring it on, snake. Like, you can't do anything to me. I've already faced something that was out of my control, felt like, and, you know, I'm getting through it. And then so I think that was what happened first. And then I like made the point of, you know, we went to the aquarium that day and I like touched the snake that the people always have out, like, you know, showing the kids and stuff. I my parents were there to see it, thankfully, and because they were shocked. It was really nice that there was someone there with me that knew how big what a big deal that was and how hard that would have been for me earlier in my life. I'm so glad those things happened because y'all, then I had like a four-foot snake that got into my very small backyard when my cat was still a kitten. I look out the back door, and this little cat is fighting with this. I mean, you know, in Charleston, like we're in the low country, like we don't have small snakes here. And I had to, and there were so many things that happened when I, you know, owned a house by myself and I was the only grown-up there. It was like, you're the one, you gotta do it, scared or not. You've got to go out there and get this little two-pound kitten. And she was putting up a good fight too. She's feisty. It was funny. I got my hoe and my rubber boots, and I'm not there. And I think I got one good hit on the snake before it got away from me because I was I was gonna kill that thing. And then since then, at that house, I saw, you know, I I feel like I would see four or five a summer there. Hopefully, the only other time that I was at that house, and I can so clearly remember that I was like, God, I wish I wasn't the only grown-up here, was my dog threw up like really bad. And it was I was just standing there looking at it like, oh yeah, no one else is here to do this. So yeah, we've grown. Yep, yep. Grown a lot. I think I don't know, is there anything else that you think is has been like a major theme that other people could learn from with me?

SPEAKER_01 35:55

You know, I think it's I think it's a testament of the healing process. And I think it's, you know, not not giving up, but putting one foot in front of the other and knowing that there's a way to find a way to be okay, no matter how hard it is. And people don't have to stay stuck, you know, you have to lean into the feelings like you mentioned. You have to make space for the harder, darker times in order to see the light, but it's there. And I think that you could be a testament to that.

SPEAKER_03 36:25

I think the some major things that you've helped me see are just that when bad things are happening, that it's preparing you for something. And that, you know, there's a saying that I feel like I hear going around a little bit now that if you can reframe your mind to think something is not happening to you, it's happening for you. I feel like that's a really helpful shift that can be applied to like all areas of our lives. And then more like specifically, there was a time where I was like feeling guilty that Caroline didn't have her two parents under one roof. You pointed out to me that there may come a time in her future where she's going that it will be beneficial for her to be able to see that it's okay putting up a boundary between people that aren't treating her as they should, and that, you know, that I have made that example for her. And that really has stayed with me. And, you know, and that was a that was such a big factor in how I thought about what I was doing at the time when we separated, was that I wanted to be a model for her, not a martyr. And that credit goes to Glenn and Doyle and the what is her book? Untamed. Untamed, yeah. Great book. I think things that are like more recent revelations that I've had in therapy are that I don't know, just yeah, that it's like still okay to be frustrated sometimes and that it's not just like my tattoo says, it's not a straight road, right? Things are like overall a lot better than they were four or five years ago, but there's still setbacks and there's still and that things will change. And thank God I've I don't understand how people parent and don't go to therapy every week because no one's ever done this before when you like are a parent. It's been so helpful to me for you to just remind me that okay, Caroline is just discovering what her world looks like. And like she's just defining things that's good. She's curious and observant. And I'm really thankful. You have teenagers, right?

SPEAKER_00 39:15

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 39:16

So you're like a step ahead of me, and you'll have all the good advice for that. Yep. Yeah. Do you think? I mean, do your friends ask you for parenting advice all the time?

SPEAKER_01 39:32

We have a good tribe. You know, and we lean into each other for that. I think that there's a lot of things that back and forth we reciprocate, leaning into each other for that and being inspired by each other, especially when my kids were younger. But you know, they get older and they they can't even teach you who they are, right? And no expert can teach you that. You can't teach them who they are. And leaning into who they are becoming and seeing them as individuals, they become the expert on their own selves and giving them credit to teach you who they are is critical as they get older. So I would say that my parenting community would be more like a tribe more than me, you know, leading the show. We all lean into each other a lot. But yeah, as the kids get older, they become the ones who teach you more than you could teach them, really. Yeah. It's about how they need you to show up for them based on who they are, you know, as they develop and evolve.

SPEAKER_03 40:28

Yeah. Talking out like parenting stuff in our therapy sessions is so helpful. And it just helps me stay more present with Caroline when she is trying my nerves, and as all kids do, she's such a good kid. She's a feisty one. And do you know I, you know, did my like recent astrology, I wouldn't call it a deep dive, but more so than maybe like the average person knows on the last episode of the podcast. And I had not realized until I did this, and I looked at my chart compared to Caroline's chart, and we are both Scorpio moons, which is the most emotional. And the moon, you know, is like your internalness. And it was like, oh God, this makes so much sense. She and I both have big feelings. You know, some of them are like expressed in different ways and about different things. But yeah, it was just like, oh, whoo, yep. And I really try, like, as she is like feisty, and I've been saying she used to have a sweatshirt. I have a really like great picture of her when she was three that said tiny teenager. So I've been saying since then that she's, you know, I would say then, like, she's three going on 13. And so now I would say she's seven going on 17. Yep. Um, that I'm really like, I've said I find myself saying to people, like, God, I'm terrified of the teenage years with her. And then I realized at some point that if I keep saying that, I'm just gonna manifest it. I think, you know, you've reminded me that no, like as they get older, you do have to let them have the reins a little bit more and be their own person. But it is really a beautiful thing that we don't make them who they are. Like they really show up with like their core personality. Trying to let that naturally express itself.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

You were doing a very good job of that. You're doing a very good job of meeting her where she is and seeing her for exactly who she is right now. Thank you. And that will continue. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 43:09

Well, my hour session is almost up, I know. If anybody else wants your therapeutic help, I know that you are very, very busy now, but you have a practice. So what is the name of your practice and how can people find you?

SPEAKER_01 43:27

Yep, so we're guided healing, licensed clinical therapy. And we have offices down here in Charleston and Mount Pleasant and in West Ashley. And we have a big, huge team of people. So I personally have a little bit of a wait list, which will shift in the next four to six months. Everyone on our team is absolutely incredible. I would highly recommend anyone on our team to help your people. I would suggest going to our website and looking at people's bios and requesting appointments if anyone speaks to you when you read through those. But that's www.deptguided healing at clinical therapy.com. And you'll be in good hands. We'll take good care of things. Yep.

SPEAKER_03 44:03

You have some therapists that specialize in different areas, like children and children.

SPEAKER_01 44:08

Yep. We have EMDR. We have children. We have people who help with executive functioning. We have co-parenting specialists. We have behavioral management specialists. We all work with adolescents and and most of us work with adults. And so there's really no one we can't serve through our team. It's very a well-rounded team.

SPEAKER_03 44:27

And do you have any male therapists?

SPEAKER_01 44:29

We have two male therapists, yes. Okay. They're amazing.

SPEAKER_03 44:32

Because Lord knows most men in this world need all the therapy because, you know, everyone does. Yeah. And I just I can definitely I can definitely see how some women, some men would prefer and probably respond better to men, or I mean, depending on what their situation is, I can see how some would respond better to a woman. And I know I personally I think feel more comfortable with a woman than a man. There's just so many things that a woman can understand that a man just can't.

SPEAKER_01 45:12

Yeah. I think one of the biggest challenges with men that we are seeing present in therapy now is just traditional views of masculinity versus like modern views of masculinity. And I think it's a struggle. And so I I mean I agree with you on that. I think you know, male therapists tend to be vulnerable. And what we really want for men is to encourage vulnerability because suddenly now the expectations for men to show up emotionally aware, super present and vulnerable. And that is very much at odds with a lot of the ways that men were raised to believe we expressed masculinity. And so, yes, we want everyone in therapy, we want all the men in therapy. I cannot imagine that struggle where you know we've always been allowed to be vulnerable. And suddenly it's an expectation that is widely unaccepted still in our culture.

SPEAKER_03 45:57

So I definitely have a lot of I definitely have a lot of compassion for the modern man because I mean, I think about my dad, he didn't have the convenience of being vulnerable. And and and his dad sure as hell didn't. Yeah, I mean, they haven't had an example of what we expect them to be now. Yeah. There's just a lot of work to be done. And so I'm very hopeful that more and more people in general and men will experience the lovely and just like relieving therapy that I have experienced. And it's just so if you're on the fence, if you're hearing this and you're on the fence about going to therapy, you do not need to be having a problem in your life. Yes, I was having a major situation, but five years later, we're doing a lot better. We still go to therapy every week because, like I said, when do you I can't really imagine a time when I'm gonna have it all figured out. Right. And, you know, as we manifest my my man, then when I'm am in a serious relationship, that's gonna be a whole other because I haven't been in the past five years. That's gonna be a whole other level of letting that person in and not scaring them away.

SPEAKER_01 47:37

Yeah, and parenting, parenting while dating, right? That's and having this multi-generational household while dating. We have lots to figure out, and so it's gonna be beautiful. You're ready? You spent a long time preparing for this next chapter, and I feel like you're there. And I'm ready, ready to be there with you for it.

SPEAKER_03 47:57

Well, I feel like we could talk forever and on lots of different subjects because it all leads back to our mental health.

SPEAKER_00 48:04

But maybe we'll do this again sometime. Sounds great. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much. I'll talk to you soon. That sounds good. Thank you. Have a good one. Bye. Okay, bye.

SPEAKER_03 48:17

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Midlife Mess. If something in this episode resonated with you, please share with your family and friends and subscribe so you won't miss new episodes every Wednesday. Please also go to my website, themidlifemess.com, where you can connect with me and find out more about how you can support the show and get some cool discounts. And of course, you can follow along on Facebook and Instagram at the midlife mess pod. And please rate and review the show on your streaming platform of choice. Thank you guys so much. Now go be your best mess. Bye.