7 l The Girl Dad Battles Brain Cancer Episode

Making peace, surrendering,  accepting that death is inevitable and not fearing it - a mindset 99% of the world can only dream of reaching, but Bill Hartman did, in fact, inspirationally reach. Today I sit down with my new friend, Annie Hartman, to talk about all she learned about life, faith, trust, empathy, & strength from watching her dad, Bill, battle brain cancer.  

We discuss the harsh realities of living with or watching a loved one live with a brain injury. These harsh realities are so harsh that they often do not discriminate, no matter what caused them albeit an illness, trauma, genetic mutation etc. Despite these harsh realities, through Bill’s battle, Annie was blessed with the certainty of her faith. 

Annie and I both hope that we can make the public more aware of the difficulties brain impairments present, both to the victim and family and loved ones of.  Listen to us celebrate the man Bill was while Annie tells about all the positivity he bled into this world, her own life, strangers’ lives, and his sold-out rock concert funeral. 

Annie was sprinkled into my life by the Universe, just as I started this podcast. For that, I am eternally grateful because she generously gifted us this conversation. 

Win most, lose some

Follow for updates!

@gabriellarebranded on Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/gabriellarebranded

@gabriellarebranded on TikTok : https://www.tiktok.com/@gabriellarebranded

 Website : https://www.gabriellarebranded.com/

@anniehartman_ on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/anniehartman_/

The Dinner Party: https://www.thedinnerparty.org/

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 1:17 Spiritual Moment of the Week
• 4:42 Introducing Annie
• 11:38 Who is Bill, Annie's dad?
• 14:24 Bill's battle begins
• 18:50 All brain injuries and illneses change a person
• 25:47 Faith & trust through suffering
• 41:32 Annie's grief & Bill's legacy
• 50:58 Bill's spirit
• 54:54 Annie's advice losing a loved one
• 58:44 Live laugh love eventful friendships
• 1:00:38 Annie's content recommendation

Transcript

Someone told me grief is love with nowhere to go. And so I was like, is that beautiful? I've never heard that before. Grief is love with nowhere to go. 'Cause everything I told you about my dad, my dad put all this time and love into me. Now he's gone. Where do I put that love that I gave him back, right? Through all of that journaling and just reading and I can't stop hearing this thing. It's good for when you're talking about something really deep, isn't it comforting? which I didn't intend for that to be, but it is. - Yeah, well, good. I have my comfort blanket here.

- Almost dying taught me how to live. Being struck by a car left me in a three and a half week coma with 15 broken bones and 16 surgeries to complete, including brain surgery. However, I woke up from that coma in an even greater place than I ever saw for myself. How? The universe will guide you out of the darkness and into the light if you allow it. Often, spirituality comes off as too high -brow. I'm not about that. Welcome to the podcast that talks and teaches about it through the lens of humor. Together, we'll harness positive energy and use it to work with the universe, all while giggling the entire time. Welcome to Gabriella rebranded,

win most lose some. 

Hi. - Hi. Thanks for having me, girl. - Thank you for being here, Annie. So every week I do my spiritual moment of the week or in every episode, except for in the last episode I recorded, because in the last episode I recorded, we were on a time crunch and like I had to get so much on and we were on a time crunch, which is why I can't wait until I'm in a financial place where I can hire an associate producer that's here because I completely forgot about the spiritual moment of the week because I was trying to get through everything we needed to get through and make sure everyone was getting out on time. But I've learned from that every episode I record I do my spiritual moment of the week and I was saying with you and honestly with a few of the episodes I've recorded it's been like oh that honestly that you're here because of the way that we met was in like a very aligned way but my spiritual moment of the week is kind of the overarching of that and you're a proof for that because you asked me to go to the desert you did ask you you asked me to go to the desert palm springs after we had met a single time it was great we had a great weekend it was amazing, take me back. But before that, after you'd asked me to go to the desert, we hadn't gone to the desert yet, we were just texting a little bit. And you asked me how I found guests for my podcast. And I said that, like, honestly, they were all just kind of falling into my lap. Like, I was just going through life and like people were just showing up and like offering themselves to be on it or like they were just in a great but they were but because they had a great reason and they're like ‘oh this could make for a really great episode’ and you're such a clear example that because again we met a single time because one of my best friends of college is a childhood friend of Annie's we met a single time and she didn't know even know that I had this whole thing coming she just followed me on Instagram and you saw me post about Gabriella rebranded. And sure enough, you, when we then went to the desert, told me that your father died of brain cancer and you really resonated with a lot of-- - All the brain stuff. - With a lot of the brain stuff and also the spirituality component too. Which is amazing because, you know, we did a lot of really fun things in the desert. (laughing) - We also really got to know each other. - Yeah, yeah. - And that was just incredible. And so that's my spiritual moment of the week is just a tribute to like, I did a manifesting challenge at the start of

the year that Gabby Bernstein, a spiritual leader, I love hosts. And what I manifested was the success of this podcast launch. And while the actual launch of it has been very delayed by the fires and the The launch I know is going to be so successful because one of the things that I, you know, you expand upon when you're manifesting. And I said like, ‘I have tons of incredible guests. I have all these brand partnerships and all these incredible opportunities.’ And as far as the guests go, that's been true. Like these guests, like you have just been falling into my lab. And I just gave you another one too. Yeah. And you just, exactly. And then you, you gave me another And you literally started a group chat with like, hey, which and I'm so excited, it's going

to be really cool. I don't want to spoil for you guys, but this sounds like a really incredible person that I'm so hyped for. 

But you're here and today is your episode. So my, one of my closest friends from college, Lauren, we went to USC together, fight on. And Lauren knows Annie from Michigan, - Michigan, you're-- - Yes, so I have, she grew up in Michigan full -time and I had a cottage in Michigan that

I go to every summer, so she was always like my summer best friend, but we've known each other since seventh grade. - And you've since like you and Lauren, you know, other than being friends with Lauren, what you've also done is you work in education tech. ted-ech? - Mm -hmm, yeah, I guess ed tech, ed tech, yeah, education technology Education technology crossover. - Yes, I always knew I wanted to work in education, not as a teacher, more on the back end of things. I'm a master's in education policy, so. - From Northwestern University, got a name drop.- Yeah, go help that. Yeah, so really just passionate about developing curriculum that helps teach students more financial literacy tools, life skills and mental health initiatives. So I was at a company for a long time, not there currently, that provided courses to colleges and universities and helped them develop more career and life skills. - Okay, nice. And you said that you sort of exploring this new part of expanding education technologies, bringing it to K through 12, giving them life skills and mental health, which we need because like all the time, all the time you talk about how like, I graduated high school knowing to plot y=(4x²-2)√..., but I never knew what a 409K was. - Right, right. - It's so true about like what we did. - And unfortunately, I think in our country, it is, it's intentional, right? Why is it not mandatory the same way that you have to pass the U .S. Constitution test, you should know what taxes are and how to pay off your credit card and just so many different life skills that I feel like I fell flat on my face right after college. Oh, honey. As we all do, as we all do, Carrie Bradshaw -era. Overspending, not understanding that. It happens, it happens. The worst was for me was because of my accident, I wasn't allowed to work for a little bit, not a little bit, I wasn't allowed to work for a while. - Yeah, for sure. - Just because of where my health was at and everything. - Of course. - So I was, because of that, I was 25 and then I was 26, I turned 26 and I never had a full -time income. So because even before I got hurt, I was working like enough part time hours that I was like good financially, like I was working 40 hours a week, but split between two part -time jobs. So I didn't have a single full -time income for either one. So I was 25, then 26, and I had no idea what an I -9 form was. Like I was like, what's the difference between a W2, W4? - No, I didn't need it. I had to learn, pre -chat, GB2, Googling. - Literally, it's like we don't know what any of this stuff is. So like, it's so extraordinary that you're bringing that. I would love, I'm actually, I'm currently working a little side project. Well, you're still hoping that, you know, if your actions aren't service of others, it's going to be supported by the universe. Yep. Yeah. But, um, snaps. You were mentioning that before we started, you're mentioning that your whole transition to exploring this career. I don't know what you originally intended on doing. Yeah. Oh, okay. So in college, I was actually pre -law. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. Okay. Oh, Elle Woods? Yeah. No, that's actually what a lot of my friends call me. That is, she is definitely my spirit animal. I wear a little bit less pink. I think I'm more with you on the neutrals but still love pink. Yeah. So thought I was pre -law, wanted to be a lawyer, and then COVID hit, you know, 'cause you're a class of 2020. - Yes, yes, we're the same year. - Yeah, okay, so we're both, yeah, COVID graduates. And so I started studying for my LSAT while working at a law firm. And I just realized I was way more passionate about public policy and actually more public programs and social justice versus what it actually takes to day -to -day be a lawyer, which I shattered a few lawyers and it's a lot of contract work and just a lot of long hours that I didn't think would fit my lifestyle. So that's why I decided to go back to school, get my master's in education policy, and then through that program I found this whole industry ed tech that is really up and coming and I wanted to be a part of it because it's really the new innovative way of where education is going, all of these online learning tools that make students learn better, help students retain information better, and just understand the vast variety of learners that exist. So I really just got really interested in how technology and educational tools can help students learn more effectively. So long story short, started out with education policy, And then I just found out about this whole industry and landed a job in ed tech and really fell in love with it I like the combination of tech in education because working for a tech company. It's super modern super fun You know, they have a lot of good benefits But then you also get to be a part of something that I love. So yeah, that's that's kind of how I got to where I am and Definitely staying in that space. That's - That's also beautiful because like one of what you were saying about still getting a lot of benefits is that like one of the primary draws to working in education is that education workers do get great benefits, but they don't tend to live as like, you know, I don't know what the right word is, but they don't tend to live as forward of a lifestyle as those working in - - Teachers are saying? - Yes. - Yeah, so I think if money wasn't an issue, I think a teacher would be a dream job for me. I love writing my own curriculums. I would love to have my own class. I was always such a dork and like loved school and loved just the first day of class. And that just got me, that really got me excited. I was such a, Hermione Granger was my other spirit animal as a kid. - And what that is, and Hermione Granger is her spirit animal. - No, literally. - You liked the first day of school. - I loved it. Oh my gosh. - Not me, bro. - Yeah, But again, it was all about the curriculum for me and the folders and the whatever, whatever. I'm going to stop before I sound too dorky. No. No, but you were saying that I want to get to is that your dad was kind of instrumental in this sort of transition to working in public policy. 

So why don't we start talking about that and him if we can. Yeah, absolutely. Are we allowed to?

Absolutely, absolutely. So, yeah. I want to be very conscientious of your grieving. No, that's sweet. Yeah, so my dad actually started in sales, worked in sales, and then that was not fulfilling. There was a lot of layoffs involved and it's just a tough grind that I think was never meant for him. He always knew he was supposed to be a teacher, but when he graduated college in the 80s, I think there's a lot of pressure on men in that traditional family sense, right? To like make the money and be the breadwinner. So he chose this. But yeah, he had a career transition that really impacted me when I was in high school where he became a teacher and yeah. So he lived your dream. Yeah, he lived my dream for me. And he was a big part of this nonprofit that was helping improve public school education in low -income areas. And he was just all for it, all in it, taught me so much, and I really realized the disparities of public schools. I mean, I went to his school, that was an amazing public high school, and then five minutes away, there was a high school with like 50 % graduation rate and a lot of, you know, high crime and all those things. So, yeah, he definitely inspired me, that transition. And yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. I also went, I was raised in a public schools and it was, I was raised in a really good public school and I didn't realize growing up that other public schools weren't good. And then like as I got older and I, you know, met more people outside of my hometown, like I went to college, I realized that public schools and other places weren't good, and in other places, you wanted to go to private schools to go to a good school. But where I was from, the public schools were better than the private schools. - Yeah, no, same, that's Chicago. I'm from a suburb outside of Chicago. So Chicago, you'd want to go to a private school. My public high school was one of the best in the state, and it would have been way better than any private school near me, so. - Yeah, that was my situation. And I mean, our public high school, if you Google Lake Forest High School, it looks like a private school. It looked like a house. There was a fireplace in the study hall. So it was a gorgeous, gorgeous high school. I will always be so grateful for, and I honestly had an amazing experience. But yeah, drove five minutes to the next Town over, and it was completely different. So the disparity while being so geographically close definitely really impacted me, and that all came from my dad and volunteering with him. And yeah, and then watching him go through what we're about to get to. - What we're about to talk to, well, Manhasset High School didn't look like a private school, but the students acted like they were private school kids. - Yes. - Yeah, for real. 

- But okay, so your father-- - Yeah, should I jump right in? - I don't know, I don't know. How do we transition? - I - I know, I don't know how to transition into this. - However you want to transition into this one. - Well, I can just set the scene. - Okay. - So I was a freshman in college and music was blasting, body suit on, it's 2016. There was probably a choker situation. - Brandy Melville. - Yeah, no, literally. I was probably, you know, I was drinking some fruity little - - Kylie

Lipkit? - Vodka. - Kylie Jenner though, did become a billionaire by convincing-- - She did. - She convinced girls, including me at age 15, that the way she got her lips was just by using this lip kit and overlining, not by getting lip injections. So that all these girls were like, "If I buy her lip kit, I'm gonna have those lips too." Shawty was getting lip injections. She finally made it. - I know, I know, it's so funny. But yeah, so that was the scene, very classic Freshman year dorm room.- Svedka vodka. - Probably, yeah, or a Malibu or whatever it was. Something absolutely disgusting and atrocious. And I feel like that was a different person. - Yes, yeah, oh yeah. - The high quality cocktails I drink now. And I'm so high maintenance. - I couldn't, I'm so high maintenance now. I could never drink what I drank in college ever. My brain wouldn't be happy if I drank what I drink, no. - Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, so it was just, you know, your classic freshman year, it was December, so we were probably getting ready for a Christmas party. And I got a life -changing call. I just stepped out into the hallway and my dad's partner called me and let me know that my dad had a brain tumor that they found. He went into the hospital that morning, saying he had the worst headache of his entire life. And it was about the fourth of the size of his brain. So I didn't know at this point if it was cancerous and that I had to fly home immediately for surgery. So I, you know, run back in. I'm already tipsy. So I'm obviously crying my eyes out and not sure how to process anything. And I had an amazing roommate and good friends around me that, you know, cried with me and let me vent and said that I could stay in that night if I wanted, but honestly, I was like, okay, freshman year in college, logic also. I either stay in and cry all night, or I go out, dance it out, try to forget about it, and then-- - No, yeah, that was definitely the freshman year way of thinking. - I think that was the move, and I look back, and I'm like, that's insane. If this same situation happened to me today, I wouldn't have put more alcohol in my body, but I did. - Our frontal lobes were not formed. Our frontal lobes were not formed. We were, you know, babies. - No, but yeah, so that kind of launched just my whole life turning upside down a little bit. And I came home and he had brain surgery and he was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer. - Or stage four. - Yeah, so all glioblastomas are stage four, unfortunately. - They're all already seen. Could you there, you - Or maybe there's stage three, two, we'll fact check this, but I know it's not stage one or stage two. Brain cancer is always stage three or stage four. So right, yeah. Yeah, so it was, it was all within a week, like everything changed. - I didn't know that. Oh my God. So it's like, I mean, I know brain cancer doesn't have a very high

survivability rate for more than like a couple of years, but like that, That's if you're starting out at stage three or stage four primarily, it's like well obviously not Okay, so Glioblastomas, I don't know how much you know about them, but no, I don't I'm an open book. Tell me about the Well, okay. I'm no doctor. I don't know from my understanding. They Usually stay within the brain, but they spread very quickly around the brain and The problem is they're very hard to remove surgically. They have these little spider kind of Pringle, that kind of looks like a little spider, which is disgusting. But because of that, it just spreads really quickly. So it was pretty clear once I got the diagnosis, the doctor says don't Google, but of course, what did I do? Google. So yeah, that next year, he had three brain surgeries until it was inoperable. Three in one year. Three in one year. I had one in a change of my life. Three in one year. 

And the saddest part about glios is that you unfortunately typically lose the person before they go. We were lucky where I think until the last three months, he was pretty much himself. But then, you know, you start to see their personality change. And I'm sure you know this from experience, but the brain is so… - It's so sensitive. - It's so sensitive. Yeah, it's just, it's... - And it's responsible for everything we do, everything we think, everything we say. - Thank you for finishing my sentence. I didn't know. There's not even a word. Like the brain is just... - No, it's insane. - So complex and intricate in a way that… - Thank you. - People don't get it. because even in my experience, like you mess with the brain at all, the person is not the same. I fully refer to me before the accident as Gabriella 1 .0. I'm Gabriella 2 .0, we're not the same person. And the biggest issue that I had when I moved back to LA and I was trying to reinsert myself into life is that all these friends have the opinion of me and expectations of me that pertain to Gabriella 1 .0, but Gabriella 2 .0 can't do all those things, doesn't act the same way. I don't feel the same things, and it's just, it's a different person, so like, I very much understand how you are just losing this person, and I don't think people who don't have someone in their life that's directly in their life that's and impacted by any form of brain trauma, really know how true that is. The person goes away. - What parts of your personality, I'm curious, do you think changed the most? What do you think is different now? I'm interviewing you now. - Yeah, I used to be somebody who I was always going to everything. I was the extroverted extrovert. I didn't like - Like-- - That changed? - I didn't, I didn't like, no, that danger. Okay, so after a weekend in the desert, after a weekend in the desert, I literally just stopped being tired after that weekend in the desert this Sunday. This Sunday was the first day I wasn't tired since our weekend in the desert. Like, I just, I can't do that anymore. And like, if places are too loud, and like, I don't, I don't like it and like it makes me, and I just, I am someone who I still like to socialize obviously, but the power of no as my friend Graham recently taught me, he recently taught me the phrase the power of no, but I, I, yes, and I'm learning the power of no and not needing to go to everything. And I was someone who used to go to everything and not only that, I was down for absolutely everything. I was down for absolutely everything. I wanted to go to everything and I was this reckless, rebellious person who really didn't think about things twice now, and this partially comes with the frontal lobe fully forming not just a brain injury, but like I have to conserve my energy. I have to think about things twice. I'm not yes to everything. I don't want to be around everyone all the time. That's good. I now prefer 75 % of the time because I still like to go out and socialize in big groups, but I prefer 75 % of the time to do things like have a steak night. Me and my friends are really into steak nights. Like have a steak night or stuff like that or cheese nights. My roommate and I, we go to Salt and Straw, we get the flavors of the month. Like I prefer to do things like that with my friends. - Yeah. - Then be uns, uns. - Downtown LA at a warehouse party? - Yeah, yeah. Which in me, in college, that was all I wanted to do. But me, now I

can't, I can't. - Sure. - Occasionally, like the weekend in the desert, we sprinkle that in. But it's fewer and far between. Anyway, that is how I'm different. Yeah. So that whole year, sophomore year was definitely the most difficult year of my life. And it made it even more difficult because sophomore year of college, everyone cares about what. Going to parties. I was in a sorority. So all of, you know, all things Greek life - Yeah, boys, yeah, you name it. And so it was just a hard environment to-- - Boys below 6’0” (both laughing) - For you? - No, I just, yes, oh my God. - Oh, I was gonna say, for me, I have a rule six foot and above only, I'm 5’8”. - Well, listen, I'm 5’3”, and now I try to mandate that rule because here's my thought process actually. When I say that my friends who are taller are like, "No, you can't say that you're 5 '3 and I'm like, here's the thing. I don't want to fuck my kids over. I want to give my kids a chance. I never had a chance. My mom was 5 '2, my dad, my mom was 5 '2, my dad was 5 '7. I never had a fucking chance. I don't want to do that to my kids. So I want to talk about it. But no, when I was in college, I was hung up on a boy in, for most of college, who was 5 '10”. 5 '10”, it said on his driver's since I

thought he was lying. He was closer to 5’9”, and now never the case. Now remember when we were in the desert and that guy was really rude to me. The first thing I thought was, ‘you're lucky if you're 5’9”, let's relax.’ That was the first thing I thought. I didn't say it, but I was thinking it.

- You cracked me up. - We love short Kings, my brother's 5’8”, like I'm repping the short Kings all the time, okay? Like Tom Holland, Zendaya is a role model of mine. - Good, you know, Shore Kings need to love too. - Shore Kings need to love too. I think Tom Holland really, he really pulled out for them. - I'm a tall boy kind of girl. - He didn't pull out, he didn't pull out, that's the wrong word. Well, he has pulled out so far. (laughing) - I love the way this conversation is going. - There's a lot of bonding. I don't even know how to get back to where I was. - Tom Holland is really, he is like, he bore the cross for the short king. You know? Is that a better way? - Sure, sure. I feel like I barely know who this guy is. Zendaya's boyfriend. - Tom Holland. - Zendaya's boyfriend. - I'm not good at celebrity names. They're engaged now, he's her fiance, but he was in the Marvel universe,

but he's shorter than Zendaya, and he bagged her. And she's Zendaya. He's shorter

than her. He bagged her. Yeah, love. They're amazing. They're so cute together. Oh,

they're adorable. They make me believe in love. Anyway, back to brain cancer. Back

to brain cancer. [laughter] (laughing) - Nick is, Nick is done. 

Back to brain cancer. How do I relate Tom Holland and Zendaya to brain cancer? Well, okay, no transition here, but a hard part about glios is that, again, like I said, you do kind of lose the person a little bit. So I probably broke a record for most missed that year because I just had to constantly come home and again, three brain surgeries in one year. So I was all hands on deck. He was so, so strong, which perfect pivot to my spirituality. The reason why I truly feel like today, of course it's always a process, but I am just so strong in my faith that I feel so spiritual and not in a specific confined way, but just overall spiritual, is really because of him and from what I learned from him. So my dad lost his dad to cancer, a different type when he was in his 30s and he said his dad was terrified to die and that really impacted him and stood out to him because it stressed him out. It made him - Yeah. - And so he would always tell me like, ‘I'm okay if you're okay. I'm okay if you're okay.’ And I would just be sobbing next to him like, ‘I'm not okay, this sucks.’ 'Cause you know, right when he got diagnosed, I was jumping to all the things that he would miss. And I won't get into that too much or this will just turn into a sob best. But I was just so blown away with how He was not afraid to die. We would go on all of these walks and he was talking about his chemo his trials his cancer And he told me one day that he had a dream the other night that he was on a plane and the plane was crashing and he'd Completely surrendered of the situation and he wasn't afraid and then he woke up and he was at peace And I was like, okay said no one ever so no one ever I of horrible anxiety every time a plane has the slightest bit of turbulence. So I was just so blown away by that. And I think it really made me reevaluate everything and just how I looked at the world because I was raised in a Christian household and went to youth group, went to Sunday school and those things, but hadn't dug deeper into my faith in that way in a long time. I had at a point and then I think kind of fell away from it and it really just made me reevaluate, wow, he is so present and able to just be here and not be afraid of what's next because he's so confident that it's so much greater than the earth, I need to kind of look more into this. - Yeah. - So yeah, that just really, really impacted me. And I'm sure you have had that same experience with your head. Oh, yeah, 100%. And I've, I've had the same

experience as you in my, definitely in my recovery where when I meet other brain injury survivors who are so much more disabled, I'm like, what the, what the fuck have I ever complained about? You know what I mean. And like my story was not, I'm not saying that my story was nothing. Obviously, my experience is very difficult. It's difficult each day and there was a time where it was really bad. But my sort of big, and I talk about this in the podcast, but my sort of what instigated my transition into the spirituality was a year and a half after my injury, going on LoveYourBrain’s, which is a brain injury organization, their retreat, it was in March, it was in Colorado, and it was all brain injuries, survivors that were retreat attendees. And a lot presented like me and had similar stories to mine, but a lot presented a lot worse, you know, and a lot of people had many things that I can still do that they can't do anymore. And I, you know, my, this, this, I forget what the I'm a some bone, some bone at the like base of your neck. - That sounds right. - Yeah. - Like I remember that. - And I broke it. And if I had broken it two millimeters more, I would be a quadriplegic and I'm not. And like, you know how into fitness I am. And it's like, I was two millimeters away from not being able to do that. And it's like, it really has you like. - Every time you tell me these things, I just wanna like, I'm so happy you're here and okay. You're so alive but it's like you know it really on my retreat I saw so many people who are presenting so much worse than I was and that's just why I've sort of started this podcast and why I'm writing my book is I know how much going through it firsthand how much the brain injury uh the brain as a whole and brain injuries like your dad how much we just need We know nothing about the brain. We know literally nothing about the brain. No two brain injuries are like, so we need to talk more about it. And I think the reason why the universe has placed me in this position and gifted me with still presenting as how I still present, I've got to say thank you. And I've got to use those gifts in the way. I can use those gifts is by like getting the word out there about the fucking brain and about trauma and to just bring - Awareness to all of this. - And maybe we can collaborate too on this, but I wanna do more also with brain cancer research 'cause glioblastomas right now, they don't know what causes it. And it's not hereditary and it's really upsetting because my dad literally had a six pack before he was diagnosed. He was playing hockey, baseball. I mean, my dad was an incredible athlete, but he was like eating fresh vegetables from his backyard. He was an amazing chef. So he was living a very healthy lifestyle and was very fit. So him getting diagnosed really made no sense. He was just not a candidate for cancer in my head. And honestly, I know that this is such a selfish thought, but, and I'm sure you've had it too, but there was so much of like a why him, why is this happening to me? You know, you hear stories about people's parents having cancer in your circle, and you just never think that it's gonna happen to you. - You never think it's gonna be you. - And then there's a guilt for feeling that too. I felt guilty that I was feeling so selfish of why me, why isn't this happening to this person or that person, especially with the clinical trials. My dad signed up for any clinical trial that he was eligible for, because again, I told you, he wasn't afraid to die, which is still mind -blowing. I'm still terrified to death. - Yes, I'm still, I haven't gotten to that place yet. - Yeah, I think, I'm trying to think if I'm still scared, scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And so he was willing to do whatever it took to just contribute to the research 'cause he wanted to get to the bottom of it. And he just had such a selfless mindset of if I have to take this journey, but I can help somebody else in the process. I'm going to do it. And it was just, I am still angry to this day and probably still need to work through this. But we found out that he received the placebo for the clinical trial. So the one that he signed up for, he didn't even get a fair chance. And yes, every day does still cross my mind. Had he gotten the real thing, would he still be here? because I don't know who decided who's cruel enough to put this in my path, but every summer when I go to Michigan, there's another man with a glioblastoma who got the clinical trial and did not have the placebo and he is still here today. - No, that's hard. - It's really, really hard. - Yeah, that's hard. I definitely know how that feels. It's, I used to say all the time that I felt like I was the universe's comedic relief. That's truly what I thought it was. 'Cause things just kept going wrong and that's truly what I thought I was, especially once I moved back to LA 'cause everything was so bad once it came back here. - That's like a funny bit for a comedian. You should use that. - Absolutely, I thought I was, I thought I was the universe's comedic relief. And especially even like, it was like I got out of the hospital And there were so many instances in my story where like it just wouldn't stop. Like when we were walking through everything that happened to me, there was the really terrible pneumonia I contracted and none of the antibiotics were working and my family thought the pneumonia was gonna kill me. That's the six ribs, the collapsed lung pneumonia. - I'm so sorry. - Yeah, old news. But then once I got out of the hospital, the plate behind my eye got infected. The plate had to come out that this eye wound up having a total of five surgeries. The hair fell out of my head and it was just like nothing. It wouldn't fucking stop. Like it was just like for a year. Oh, when it rains, it pours. When it rains, it pours. But it was just the surgery, one of the third or fourth or I forget what number surgery I had on this eye that totally failed in December 2022, that was, so I truly felt like, yeah, I was the universe's comedic relief, so I totally know how that feels. What I am learning about being better with, and what I'm really trying to, and I talk about it in my book, is when we look at the negative what -ifs, could

of should have’s what -ifs. We also have to look at the positive ones 'cause for as many negative ones, there are also as many positive ones there. And I think you kind of touched on this when I was reading over what you had said earlier, we're like, your dad didn't get the trial, right? He unfortunately didn't, he's not here anymore. But how incredible of a father was your father. - Yeah, yeah. I, yes, I have gotten to a place where I can say I'm so grateful that I had the dad that I did for 20 years versus having a dead beat dad for my whole life, right? So I am just really grateful that we really had an amazing relationship and he was such a good person. I mean, his funeral felt like a sold out concert. The whole parking lot was full. People were parking on the streets. I mean, it was madness. I met everyone from all walks of his life. And that's truly because he was just so present and connected to everybody. And yeah, I really just learned that from him and just he really made an impact on people. So, yeah. - My funeral's gonna be a party. I have a plan for it. - I'll type it out. - Yeah, I don't think

he wanted anyone to wear white. He wanted everyone to be in colors and-- - I don't want people in color, I want people, I actually have a theme. - Is it bad that I want people in black 'cause I think it's more chic? - No, no, if you think it's more chic, it's fine. - I'm like, I would want, I think I would want everybody to follow a dress code, be in theme. - Oh yeah, I think-- - If my friends watched this, they would laugh so hard 'cause I'm the theme queen, I'm the friend, I don't

have parties without themes that does not exist. I think you're the same considering what we're doing next weekend. So it would be the theme Annie's Death All Black. Yes, I am. So the theme for my wake is going to be early 2000s. That's hilarious. You already have this planned. And then, oh yeah, it's all typed up. I have Google Docs and like my brother and some close friends have it. So in case I, because I almost went I was gonna have my plants typed out. So then I was like, "I need to type it." And my friend Cristina was like, "I have no idea how to tell Gabby's mom that she wants down by Jay -Shaw and played at her funeral." - That is all my-- - No, but the theme for my wake is gonna be early 2000s and the theme for my funeral, it's black tire attire. It's black tie attire, the theme for my funeral. But the way-- - That's amazing. I have a Google Doc for my wedding. - Yes, I do. - It's not. - Not for my wedding. - I actually do have one for my wedding as well, but I also don't want to be legally married, but I want to have a wedding. - Interesting. All right, so she's a planner too. - Yes, I have big dreams. 

But no, I was going to say about your dad, 'cause then we got talking about funeral themes and I got excited. I was going to say is I truly feel like I know your dad. Like I true-- - That is the best compliment. - No, I do, like I truly like, I can like even hear a voice in my head and I know obviously I have no idea if that's accurate, but like I can very much. - I'm sure you do. Everyone at the funeral was saying like, your dad never met a stranger. If you met him once, he was your friend. He was the kind of guy who would show up and if it was snowing before like church, whatever. He would shovel the snow, and then he would leave before anybody could ever know it was him. And he was just, you know, first person there, last one to leave kind of guy. And yeah, he just, he really made an impact on everyone. And also, he was so good at everything. I think that's the most annoying thing about my dad is that he, when he was younger, was exceptionally good looking, like, was walking down the street and got scouted by modeling agents. He actually, he did a whole campaign called "The Preppy Nurse." - Oh my God. - We have a poster of it. So it was like, insanely good looking, it was good at every sport he tried. So he was kind of like, you know, the man by all of those metrics, but the best person you've ever met. Like just the most selfless, non -Douchebag, down -to -earth person. And the last thing I'll say on it is the most important thing that he taught me was that the best thing you can give someone is your time. And that's what he gave me. You know, I think a lot of dads don't spend enough time with their daughters. And he was truly the ultimate girl dad. He was braiding my hair and, you know, making me meals and just spent such quality time with all of us, that that is so precious and that is definitely something that I'll always carry on and take and hopefully I embody that with my friends. Yeah, so you only got him for 20 years but you got that and like... And that's priceless. Yeah, and that's truly priceless, you know, and it's just oh yeah he just and I know exactly what you mean about those. There are all, every so and there's somebody from my high school who also died young, unfortunately, but that I'm thinking about who, he was one of those people where he was good at everything. And he almost wanted, he wasn't my year, he was older, but people said like, he was one of those people who was good at everything. And you're like, almost like wanted to hate him. You wanted to hate him. That was my dad. But the nicest person. Yeah. - That was my dad to a T, like you're like, who is this guy that's extremely good looking, good at every sport. - She was also really, really attracted. - Right, 'cause then you're like, that's not fair. - Yeah, yeah. - And oh yeah, the last thing I'll say, that's just really iconic for Bill Hartman, just tribute is that he is probably the only person you will ever meet who could ride a unicycle while playing tennis. He was a master unicycle guy, he could, you know,

juggle and unicycle. When my sister was running a half marathon, he did the last part of her race via unicycle. So, yeah, he was really just iconic. - An incredible, an incredible figure. - Yes, yes. 

But back to spirituality. - Well, yeah, back to spirituality, 'cause I, I mean, that must have been a journey. One, your father going through it, but then I'm sure also grieving is really, really

hard. So I'm sure after you went, you were just immediately like, things are all good. - Yeah, and yeah, same with you and your accident, I'm sure that took a minute to process. - Oh, definitely. It took me like 20 months, two years, yeah. - Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. So he passed, all right. So he was diagnosed December my freshman year and he passed after my sophomore year. So I would say the next two years, I delayed that whole, what is it, the grief stages? - Yeah, the seven stages of grief. - I think I was in denial the first two years. I mean, I was probably thinking about him all the time, but I was just not wanting to process any of it. I felt like the last year and a half had kind of been robbed from me in so many ways 'cause I was just-- - You were resisting. - Yeah, my whole life was revolved around like when I was going home next, when was I gonna get another call that he had another seizure? Like just so much drama, my whole entire life was consumed by the anticipatory grief of him passing and it was just honestly

an awful year. So those two years after I was just so numb, I developed a adrenaline junkie situation. I don't even know how to describe it, but I just was so desperate to make myself feel like anything that I, I think after within six months, I was like skydiving, bungee jumping. And these were not just like your normal, like this was, I was studying abroad. And if you've seen the James Bond movie where he jumps off into the Vernaska Dam in Switzerland, that's where I decided to bungee jump. If you Google it, It's terrifying, like insert picture. - Insert picture, we

will open it. - Yeah, frickin' terrifying. So yeah, it really just took me two years. And then honestly it was the pandemic. When COVID hit and I had time to slow down finally, I started-- - You didn't have time, you were forced to. - I was forced to, yeah. - COVID forced us to slow down. - I was forced to and I started journaling and starting to just think a lot about my dad more and kind of just praying to him, talking to him, hearing his voice. And that's really when a transformation started to occur. I then read a book called "The Artist's Way," which was given to me by my stepsister, shout out. And it completely changed my life in a lot of ways. It talks about journaling every morning and called "The Morning Pages" and through that, I was-- - "The Morning Pages," yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I forgot, you've read the book. - I haven't read the book, but I know about "Morning Pages." So I know some of the teachings, yeah. - And I just was really able to process and get out my grief and then also just learn more. I just kind of became obsessed with reading all about spirituality and the world and the universe and all different types of religions, and it was really cool to see the similarities between different religions and kind of take different bits and pieces and just see how different parts of the world grieve. And I was an international relations major too for context, so I'm also kind of obsessed with learning about just different cultures and religions. And I just did a whole deep dive because I had the chance to. So as terrible as COVID was, It was great for my grief processing and just good for the world to slow down. And yeah, I really just transformed that and I decided, you know what? Somebody told me, and I think that day is when I decided I was going to do something about it. Someone told me grief is love with nowhere to go. Oh, that's beautiful. You never heard that before, grief is love with nowhere to go. Because everything I told you about my dad, my dad put all this time and love into me. Now he's gone, where do I put that love that I gave him back, right? So through all of that, through all of that journaling and just reading, and I can't stop petting this thing. - It's good for when you're talking about something really deep, isn't it comforting? - It is. - Which I didn't intend for that to be, It's good, I have my comfort blanket here. And yeah, just through all that, I really felt like I found my spirituality in peace. And I stopped making a big deal out of when I heard him speak in my brain, I used to overthink it and overanalyze and think, am I making this up? Is this really him? And then I was like, Annie, stop. It's not that deep if you hear it. It's not that deep. It's not that deep. If you hear it. - That's my mantra for the year, it's not that deep. - Believe it and do it. And I started following wherever I could find him. So whenever I'm near Lake Michigan or the ocean, or if I'm swinging a golf club or a tennis racket, 'cause he was incredible at both sports, surprise, not surprised. - My dad's a golf man, but he's, but my mom's the tennis woman, my dad is not. - Love, love, love, love that. And I just, yeah, really started hearing him when I did those things and leaned into that and then started volunteering more and just pouring my heart more into education, his passion and something in me just changed and it just got so much better. Well, a big thing that I preach is and that I'm, you know, my whole goal with this situation is and just my entire recovery, my entire journey is that like my mindset from the very first moment I woke up in the hospital and I was able to understand what happened to me was I'm going to squeeze anything positive out of this. That's why I met  Taylor Swift because I was sent by car. I'm going to squeeze anything positive that I can out of this terrible situation. - Have you told that story in this podcast? - I'm not told that story yet. - Please tell the Taylor Swift story. - I need to do many, I need to tell, okay, we'll get that, I have that on the books, but that was my whole mindset. And I feel like that's what you did, you took, with your dad's passing, you took everything positive that you could out of such a horrible thing. And I know that he is so proud because his passing ultimately made the world such a better place because who knew what you would become or what your career would have been as dark as it sounds like if he hadn't departed in the way not the time he did. Yeah I will say though I do think the universe would be a better place with more Bill Hartman's yeah and I really haven't met anybody like him with his level of character so I am still waiting for that and I do agree with you, I think it did impact me and change me for the better from it, but it's

still, I just have such a hard time with the phrase, everything happens for a reason. When I hear that, I wanna say, fuck that. - Okay. - I don't know if I can swear, but-- - Oh my God, are you kidding me? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. This is the Graphic Spirituality podcast. - But no-- - Yeah, I just like-- I'm still on a journey with the grief part 'cause I'm still angry. I get that. And I used to, my neuropsychologist that I had after my accident, I was telling her one time that I hated everything happens for a reason. And I thought it was the most narcissistic quote in the world. I was like, "How do you look at a parent whose child just died of cancer and say everything happens for a reason?" And she said, and this has kind of made me go, "No, okay." She goes, "Everything happens for a reason, it does. But the reason is not necessarily positive. Genetic mutation, that's why that kid got cancer.” She was like, “but it is your job as the human to make it positive if you want to.” And if you don't have the bandwidth to, that's also fine. Who knows what we have the bandwidth for? Some people just simply do not have the bandwidth to make something positive because they are so leveled by it. But everything does happen for a reason, but the reason isn't necessarily positive. - Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. I agree with that. That's a good take. - Yeah, and I was like, all right, and I guess there's a reason why you're a professional. - And, no, that's my real name. I don't tell anyone that, but I'm sure you can guess. - Yeah, but I know, I totally, and I hope you don't interpret my words as like, Oh, it's no, no, no, no, I don't. And also, you're valid to talk about it because, you know, it's it means more coming from somebody that gets it. I think that's another lonely part about grief. Unless you have other people around you who've experienced something similar, which I didn't, I had no friends. Girl, do you think I know anyone else in my social circle? - Now I do, now I do have people. - Yes, now I've gone to brain injury retreats. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yours is more of a brain, my mind is much easier to find people's parents who've passed a cancer. But yeah, it's grief is, it's tough, man. - Yeah, yeah. It's grief is, it's a really hard one, especially when you experience it in such a graphic or drastic way at such a young age. - Oh yeah, I mean, yeah, there's definitely, I don't know if we should go here. There's definitely a day, okay, you know what? Actually, this is a good story. I didn't think I was gonna say this, but I will. Okay, so the day that my dad passed, I was driving a car. I had just left 10 minutes before my whole family was eating dinner. He was in a coma at this a coma -like state. I guess not a technically a coma, but basically. And so I had just left. I was going to take a quick break, get dinner with my friend, and then come right back. I leave and I get a call that it had happened. And in that moment, I have never been closer to just taking the car and, you know, smashing it into a tree. I really, I was close. Um, well, I'm not going I'll give myself a second, but I turn around and I came back and I went into the room and so I saw him and I saw his body obviously was there and that was the moment. I think I really, my faith was so assured that it was there because I could tell that's my dad's body, but his soul is not in there. And not to get all sciencey here, but souls are creative matter, right? Matter and energy cannot be destroyed. So that was something that I learned in science, and I took that as, okay, this is so affirming that I was just here earlier today, and this was my dad, and I saw him, and I saw his soul, And then I leave for 10 minutes, come back, now he's passed, so I go into the room and I see his body and it is his human body. But it's not my dad. But it's not my dad

and he's not there. That day is probably PTSD from that day a little bit. Not actually, but you know, it's something I don't know if I'll ever get over. Yeah. And yeah, just being there with my sister, thank goodness she was there and just hugging him, I just was so sure that this was his body, but he was not there. And I knew that, I don't know how to end this one, but I knew that my faith was so strong that he was somewhere else better, because it was almost like I saw he was there and then he wasn't, you know? Yeah, 100%. I don't know if that makes sense, but you You know, it does. Thank you for sharing. Oh, God, that was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I honestly have only said that out loud twice, because it's really hard to talk about this, but thank you for giving that to me. That's a gift. You're welcome. Also, you don't have to get over it. Yeah. Or you can get over it whenever you want. If it takes you years to get over with it, that's fine. Yeah. You know, there's no timeline on grief. Everyone's is different. Yes, true. I have no transitions from here. God, you were just an incredible person. Back to Zendaya and Tom Holland. Short kings. Yeah, short kings. Bill Hartman, he was over 6’0”. Actually, so he was really big. He was big. Okay. Big aren't okay six -pack. Okay. He wasn't he was probably 5’10” or 5’9”. He was not Damn see yeah, so he was also repping if I wore heels. I could have been taller than him. Oh, yeah So he was also repping. Yeah, but my mom was five six so that so a balanced out there see see I'm taller than my mom. I'm 5’8”. So I have a 6’0” minimum. Okay. Okay. Okay. Evan is 6’2” Okay, so he passes. Oh, - Oh yeah, Evan 6 '2". I knew Evan was tall, but I didn't know what the exact number was. Believe it or not, I didn't ask Evan. - Well, you could see. - I mean, I knew he was somewhere up there. Oh my gosh. 

Well, this was beautiful. And just before we wrap, people who are going through their own grief, people who have lost Loved ones that listen to this people who are in the process of maybe losing loved ones or they themselves are Unfortunately, not going to be at the party with us for much longer. Yeah, because they're gonna be at a better party What do you want? What do you want to say? What has your experience taught you about? Okay? This is a great question because before losing my dad. I could have never answered this I Have reached out to so many people that I just went to high school with and I wasn't even friends with them when I see a post and I think we've had the best conversations and I'm so helpful now. If you are going through losing a parent and it hasn't happened yet, my advice to you is to be as present as possible, screw any other plans, like spend as much time with your parent or whoever it is as possible. If you've already lost them, What has really helped me is one, ritualizing the days that are significant to you. So for my dad, it's Christmas, my birthday, his death anniversary, and his birthday, mostly the last two, but also I do something special on birthdays and Christmas. And it could be as simple as lighting a candle, eating their favorite food, I mean, whatever it is. It just helps so much for me to have something special to look forward to and to honor them. I think that really helps. Another thing is finding a community to express it in. I joined an online grief group. Shout out https://www.thedinnerparty.org/ if you need one. It's great. It's think it's free. It should be free. Maybe they changed, but it was when I did it. Some sort of grief community. You need that or some creative outlet to get it out, and then the other one is to pour your love into

something. So like I said before, grief is love with nowhere to go. For me, it's education. I did a program, Big Brothers Big Sisters, which was very at my dad's alley. He loved working and mentoring kids. So anytime I focus on my passion to just improve education policies, make public schools better, anything in that realm. I know I'm doing it for him and I can just imagine our conversations. So pour it into something. I'm currently helping a friend who lost his mom to brain cancer and now he's training for a marathon to raise money and run for her. So something like that. I think those are the biggest best tips and just, you know, a lot of self -care. care. I would say I just want to underline two of those things that you say the community one is so so so important because as I've just told you my first spiritual awakening was when I went on the love your brain retreat and I finally met other people who had a brain injuries and I finally was

like okay I'm not alone in this because it felt like I was alone in this entire battle for so long because my story is so unique like I didn't know anyone who felt, and it felt like such an isolating thing. - Your story is unique. - Finally, I wasn't alone anymore. And then there was a quote that Carrie Fisher, she was Princess Leia in Star Wars. She, that actress she passed, said that I

remember somebody brought up at the Oscars a few years ago, and she said, "Take your broken heart, turn it into art." And like that, obviously, you know, kind of lied to the artistic things, but like, you know. - As an actor, we love. - Yeah, you're a theater kid. Yeah, but you know, I had what happened to me. I got really into fitness. I started this podcast, I'm writing a book, like take your broken heart, turn it into art, and fitness is in our sciences and art. It's all our arts and sciences. Yeah, take your broken heart, burn it into art. - I love that, I love that So much, that's great. 

Well, anything else you want to say? Before, just thank you so much for having me. And this was really fun. All right. This is, I've never been on a podcast before. I'm happy I was, I'm happy you came on. Yeah, and we had no preparation. No prep. Camera started rolling and we started, I wrote notes. She's also only here 'cause we went to the desert and she was like,

"Hey, can I go on this?" Yeah, - Okay, well, okay, so for context, this is how chaotic, but following our friendship has been. We met for the first time at a USC game day, and we were at, what's that, 3401, the 405? - The 9 -0. - The 9 -0. - And I, to be clear, I went to USC, Lauren is one of my best friends for college, and she did not go to USC. You know Lauren from childhood. - I did

not. - Lauren brought you to the alumni game. So we met at this game on one November day. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, we met one day and then I went to the desert with some friends for a birthday party, invited you, you came, we had an absolute blast. And now our third hangout is a podcast. And our fourth hangout-- - Is a murder mystery party. - Right. - So first-- - Those are not a single normal hangout has occurred. - No, very exciting friendship. First hangout, see game day. Second hangout, want to go to the desert? Yeah, sure. Which was the fun I like was so I was like, hi, mom, I'm going to the desert with a group of people. I've only met one of them a single time. That's it. Bye. Third, third hangout podcast recording, fourth hangout, murder mystery.

That's what we do. And we would be making Bill Hartman. He'd be laughing at this. I just know your dad would love this. Oh, he would be laughing. I mean, yeah, back in the day, they called him Wild Bill. So he had his fun times, for sure. - I will be in the show notes, sharing all the places you guys can find Annie online. And yeah, this has been so great. 

The Artist Way is the book you wanna recommend? - Yeah, The Artist Way is what I'm gonna recommend. I think it's great for everyone. you know, if you're not in the creative industry, it's still great. - Okay, amazing. So, yeah, that's a recommendation. I'll be posting her links in the show notes. And all I can say to that is, win most, lose some, and yeah. - Yes, thank you so much for having me. - You're gonna win most out of this fucking situation. - Hopefully you guys can get something out of this conversation. - Oh, I think people are gonna get a lot out of this conversation. Even if it's just that Tom Holland has really done a service for the Short King community. (laughing) Oh my God. And tall girls are still pro -tall guys. Tall girls are still, not all of them though. That's true. Love Island. And respect, respect. This most recent season of Love Island, Serena, one of the girls, and she was with Cordell and they were together every week. They One Love Island, she is a tall girl. And in her interview, like pre -show, before they met anyone, she said, "I love a short king." Sure enough, Cordell is 5’7”, and he bagged Serena. And she's like this beautiful tall woman. And in her interview, her opening thing, she was like, "I love a short king." So not all tall girls. - Yeah, no, no, that is true. Just this one. - No, I know a lot of tall girls that when I say that I like guys, I say ‘if a guy's under 6’0”, what's the point?’ And my friend Dom, who's also my life coach, who's also my life coach, she's 5’8”. And when I say that, she gets so mad at me 'cause she's like, you can't take them. You can't take them. And I'm

like, I need to give my kids a chance. I didn't get a chance. - And on that note, over and out. - I didn't get a chance. Nick, how tall were your parents? Five - 'Cause you're as tall. - Okay, that's gonna be my, hopefully my situation, 6’2”, and 5’6”, you know, we have a good chance. - Okay. She brought it up a little bit earlier in the episode, but just so that the audience and listeners can hear one more time, your book recommendation. - Yes, everybody should go read The Artist's Way. Doing the morning pages is going to affect you profoundly, and I couldn't recommend it more. - I've never read the book, but I've heard a lot about the morning pages, and I've done the morning pages and they do. In fact, a therapist I used to use was the one that told me about them. - So, free therapy, save money. - Definitely, free therapy, save money. This has been amazing. Annie, thank you so much for sitting down with us. - Thank you so much for having me.- Thank you for being so vulnerable, telling us something that you've only said aloud, like one every time, such a gift. I can feel your father here with us now. And This has been Gabriella Rebranded, "Win most lose some." And you lost some in this situation, but it seems like you've won most of it. (upbeat music)