15 l The Laughter as Medicine Episode

Do you believe in giggling? Do you believe in hehe-ing? Do you believe in haha-ing? And do you believe that it can heal you?! I preach it, I scream it, I yell it - and so does Dean Lin, cohost of the Definitely Delusional podcast. 

I mandate that laughter saved me and I wouldn't be where I am today - as recovered, healed, happy, and back to life I am today, if it hadn't been for my ability to giggle while my life getting railed with a cheese grater. 

Dean is a comedic genius who has battled - and fucking won - his own monstrous pile of trauma. When I say monstrous pile, I mean rehab 3 separate times. And how did Dean get through it as gracefully ass he did to be excelling at life today? Laughing. 

Sometimes the emotions we feel about something are so intense that if we don't laugh we'll cry, I choose to laugh, Dean chooses to laugh.

Win most, lose some 

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Dean's Recommendation: 

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-body-keeps-the-score-bessel-van-der-kolk-md/1117229987

Chapters

• 0:00 Introducing Dean Lin
• 4:17 Growing up in New York
• 10:53 ~ Living the dream ~
• 15:07 Character development
• 21:53 Origin of Dean's Eating and Exercise Issues
• 27:49 College transition to rehab
• 35:18 Third Rehab: Dean's turning point
• 44:07 Projection & healing's longevity
• 57:12 Pop Culture Break
• 1:01:32 Dating Post Trauma
• 1:08:00 Gab's Spiritual Moment of the Week
• 1:11:21 Dean's Rec & Spiritual Moment
• 1:15:01 Girl Bai!

Transcript

When you confuse oversharing as vulnerability, you are going to start sharing things that are like you just met this person on an app two hours ago. They don't need to know and process like every single thing you've gone through. It's like just think about it if you're getting that right. It's like it might be overwhelming. That's not true vulnerability. That's you like saying and putting all the cards on the table because you're afraid that like if you don't say all these things like from either a past partner or whatever, you're not being open enough, not communicative enough. It's like It's coming from a place of lack. Whereas if you just like did it naturally and let people find these things out, not like find these things out, but like you share it slowly, that's more vulnerable than being like, here's an open casket right away. Like right, you know, like. - Yeah. No, I 100 % got that. - It's like jump scare. - I 100 % got that.

- Almost dying taught me how to live. Being struck by a car left me in a three and a half week coma with 15 broken bones and 16 surgeries to complete, including brain surgery. However, I woke up from that coma in an even greater place than I ever saw for myself. How? The universe will guide you out of the darkness and into the light if you allow it. Often spirituality comes off as too high brow. I'm not about that. Welcome to the podcast that talks and teaches about it through the lens of humor. Together, we'll harness positive energy and use it to work with the universe, all while giggling the entire time. Welcome to Gabriella rebranded,

"win Most Lose Some." 

This is Dean Lin. Dean is, if you listened a couple of episodes ago, Emily came on here. Emily, we talked about how being a part of girl makes her a better person. - She beat me to the punch. - I connected her to spirituality. And Emily and Dean, they co -host the podcast, definitely delusional. So today we have Dean on with us. Dean is a content creator. He has a history of working in entertainment before that, but the past year and a half, you've been creating content. We go to the same gym, that's where I know Dean from. There's been a lot of guests that I have high mat lengths to. I'm so many of my guests. - You can't say that. No free PR girl, no, just kidding. But I feel like a high mat is just like a place to network while also they're gonna charge you commission. - They're gonna literally, they're gonna charge me commission for like name dropping them. - They might. But hi everyone, my name is Dean. Yeah, I like kind of create content comedy -wise, but also interweaving personal development into it. - Yes. - Yeah, because I think, again, we're gonna speak in this episode today, right? About laughter and how it really helps people, but I felt like throughout my entire, even when I used to work in entertainment before I became a creator, I was always trying to make laughable moments just to make girl the work to Um, but also I think when I went through like the hardships that I went through, which we can get to later on when I first got to LA, it has helped me like save my life. Oh laughter is 100 % is what has gotten me through everything. It's it's been the it's the best medicine like truly and it's the only thing that carried me through what the past, what the worst, what the worst of the worst those couple couple years were. And it also made me like so much funnier. My accident made me so much funnier. I like I was I was giggly before, but like my it boosted the comedy so much. Yeah, that's why I'm scared to heal too much. Right? Everyone says they're like, what if I'm not funny anymore? Exactly. Like if I heal too much, I'm like, where are you going? I'm like, I don't want to close off that part of myself that I'm so happy to have access. Yeah. But you know what I realized though, like what you don't have to close yourself off like even when you heal that those parts of yourself you can still draw from it. Oh absolutely. You can always access these parts like I feel like I'm so much better now but these parts will always be inside of me and I can always just like reach back in and yeah drag it out. Not too deep though girl cuz we're not shadow work that's another conversation. That's another conversation shadow work. I tried that once I was like oh girl hold on it's touch and go for a moment it's touch and go. Okay, so you came out to LA and were you giggly before?

I think it was pretty giggly. Okay. But I think like I was also going through a lot when I like first moved because I'm from Queens. You're from Queens. I'm from two towns over from Queens, but not Queens. Wait, where? Nassau County, Manhasset. Wait, stop. My parents have a business in Long Island. Oh my god. Nice. Yeah, I'm\from Manhasset. So two towns over from Queens, but not Queens. - But like the Amityville, so like the Amityville. - Amityville. (laughing) - Yeah, that's so crazy. - Yeah. - I didn't know that actually. - Yes, oh my God, did you, did you even know this? - Oh my God. - Well no, because Emily I think said that I'm from New York but she didn't say Long Island. - Yeah, 'cause I thought you were from like either like Manhattan or like one of the other boroughs. - Oh my God, no, have you heard me say Long Island? Like, no it is. - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. - I'm gonna say yesterday, I don't say yesterday, I say yesterday when I don't think about it. - When I don't think about it, oh, if I say all, like all without thinking about it, my New York accent can come back so bad. Yesterday I posted a TikTok talking about coffee and like I was ranting about how iced coffee is better than cold brew and we need to stop this cold brew movement. And like each time I said coffee, because I was, you know, heated, there were emotions coffee. Each time. I mean, Litha, coffee, yeah, it depends on how I'm feeling, how my words come out my mouth, I feel like. It depends. Oh, how tired I am, how much I've slept, that definitely has a lot to do with it. Also, my New York accent came back actually worse after I got hurt because, okay, here's what, well, here's why. So my parents have New York accents, my mom's from the Bronx, my dad's from Queens, actually my mom's from Yonkers, but I like to say she's from the Bronx. My dad is not from Queens, he's from Brooklyn, because see you being from Queens is like - >> Right next to Brooklyn is right next to Queens, but the thing about the MTA, if you don't have a car, you have to go all the way around the entire city. >> Exactly. >> And then to Brooklyn on the M, I don't know if it's still that though. I haven't taken a train in a while. >> - It's just a mess, yeah. So my dad's from

Brooklyn, my mom's from Yonkers, they have New York accents. But when I grew up and I went to elementary school, like no one had accents. So when I went to middle school or most people did it and like high school, like no one had accents. And then I came to USC for college. And then, you know, I came out to this part of the world and obviously no one had a New York accent. And my mom used to say all the time that I started talking like a Kardashian after I came out here. Then my accident happened. I had to relearn how to talk like that was part of waking up from the coma as I and the brain injury had to relearn how to talk. So I relearned how to talk in the presence of my mother and father. I wasn't going to school, so I wasn't getting exposure from all these people that didn't have New York accents. All my time that I had spent in California at USC Gone and I relearned how to talk with the New York accent. I mean we love it though. We love it It's fun. We love it because it's like your heritage. It's my heritage. It's my culture Yeah, I mean some days like I remember the first sentence. I like kind of said to one of like the people in college I was at Occidental in the east LA, but I like stayed after I didn't really like move back So like coast to coast The first sentence I said is someone I was like dead -ass you get me mad tight and they were like - What did that entire sentence just mean? - What did that entire sentence mean? - Yeah, and I was like, we, sorry, I forgot, I forgot. - I forgot, I forgot, I thought we don't say that anymore. I say dead ass all the time and people are always like, what did-- - It kind of, like, I kind of lost that. I kind of lost things dead ass a lot. - I kept that one, I kept it as dead ass. - It depends, it depends when the context is, right? I feel like if I'm around a lot of New York people, I'll I'll be like dead ass, 'cause it's like a confirmation, a question, you know, a statement, everything. It means everything. - I kept that one, yeah. That one's still within me. I'm trying to think, is there any else lingo that we say in New York that's still with me? I say bruh all the time. - I always say bruh. I used to say bruh all the time in the beginning of my sentences, like bruh. - I say bruh all the time. And that's definitely more of a New York thing, which is weird because like California, you would think surfer bruh, But like no, it's definitely more of a bruch is like a New York thing or it's brick outside. It's dead -ass brick outside It's brick. It's dead -ass brick outside and it's like 75 degrees in LA Your blood things quick your blood thins quick iris distinctly remembered there was one day in college Where I said to my roommate it was a senior at this point and I said to my roommate make sure you air a sweatshirt It's cold today. I looked at the temperature 67 degrees I know and back then it was like 50 degrees and we'd be\ pulling out the shorts. Yeah Yeah, it was like we're like I remember tan like in elementary school like me my friends tanning because it was 55 degrees It was like one of those things where I'm like I went back and I haven't been back I'm actually gonna go back soon to New York just to like Visit my parents whatever and like just go back to the city for hot set because I haven't been back since like seven years for this in the summertime. - Okay. - And I just haven't experienced New York in the summer for a long time. Every single time I went home was like for Chinese New Year or like for the holidays. Girl, when I tell you when I got back home, my nose was like purple, like my hands were. And my mom was like, are you okay? I'm like, babe, I just came from 80 degree weather. - I just came from 80 degree weather. - My body is in diabolical shock right now. - This is like literally toxic shock - This is like three cryouts that are people like still. - Yeah. - Like, insane. - This is hard for me. So do you think that being from New York, like infuse some of your giggles or no? - I think being from New York, I was able to get a lot of the wit that I have. - The wit, yes. - The wit and the uniqueness in terms of like, the way I approach people, because I think one of the hardest things I came, when I came to LA, was expecting people to be the same way as they were in New York. - That's such a problem I had too. - People here are like, nice to your face, but fake to your back a lot of the time. - This is such a problem I had my freshman year of college, yes. We're in New York, it's like, listen, I will tell you through your face if I don't like you, but I will never be fake nice. - New Yorkers are not nice 'cause I feel like niceness is performative. New Yorkers are kind though. - Yes, I always say I'm kind, I'm not nice. I always say that. - Yeah, that's what I say. - I always - I always say that, and if someone calls me nice, I honestly think it's a little insulting. - I mean, it depends on the context, right? I'm like, if it's just like the brush off, I'm like, okay, whatever. But if it's like, they're telling me seriously, I'm like, okay, girl, okay, I'm kind, but like, you know, like niceness is very like, it's like a, when you like send an email, a professional email. - Yeah, it's when you start the email with, I hope you had a lovely weekend. - And I'm like, girl, no, I hope you got like so turnt. And I'm just kidding. No, but yeah, I don't know. 

I kind of miss the professional world a little bit, but not really. That's like. - You transition to the content creator. So that's something you like, professional, you mean that? - Well, yeah. - When you worked in entertainment before becoming a content creator. - Yeah, but I got laid off, so, you know. - Okay, well, who cares? Now you're doing what you really want to do. - I mean, I feel like okay, that's the thing though. I'm like it's unstable, but I feel like it's also kind of so freeing So freeing so freeing like yes Oh my god, it's one of those things where it's like I definitely laugh more now Because like I don't have like someone telling me what to do also every Sagittarius with me, but oh my god You're a Sagittarius girl my ascending my rising my moon my mercury my - A five. - A five. I'm a Sagittarius rising. - Oh my God. Mine is like Sagittarius, Sagittarius, Sagittarius, Sagittarius, Sagittarius, Sagittarius, Sagittarius, and then Capricorn, Capricorn, Capricorn. Someone looked at my chart and they like almost threw up because they were like, how's your chart like that? I'm like girl, I don't know. - I don't know, but also funny because Sagittarius and Capricorn are like pretty opposite. - Yeah, I'm like - - They're like pretty opposite. - Why do you think I'm delusional? - You're Do you remember that's why you have a podcast called "Definitely Delusional" Definitely delusional, but you know, I feel like you need to be

delusional to achieve your dreams. Oh, are you 100 %? Because you have to believe in yourself despite everything being said against you. It's not even believing in yourself. I think it's like, you have to be delusional enough to think past what you are grown up to believe. I truly think that the box in your mind or like the confinements of like the way that like people think of you or like think of their life or life in general because I think you think that like your dreams are like big but then like ask people and you think everyone has it but it's like I've talked like spoken to some people not everyone has big dreams and like When you grow up in that environment too, it's like when people just like you know do the whole like Married young kids the family the work go to bed sleep eat like that like whatever it's like I'm not judging anyone for that because I'm like that would be a life if I wanted that life I would have that life yes and like if people have that life and they're happy with it oh my god amazing but not everyone really has big dreams but like you have to delude yourself into thinking you can achieve that because like let's say you grew up on food stamps right my parents didn't grow up that wealthy whatever and like if you're in that environment and you don't think that You can achieve something bigger or like have a life that's bigger than that like you'll never achieve that Yeah, you'll never get out of those confinements. Yeah of like that way of thinking. Yeah Well, I had your percent think that partially applies to my accident because it's like after what happened to me like You would not think I'd be doing this like you'd kind of think I'd be down and out for like ever and I was like No, I don't I do it's shocking that I moved back to LA I was in LA when I got her, but then I was recovering at home for a bit in New York once I left the hospital. And no one could believe that I was moving back to LA, and I moved back way too early. But no one could believe that. I was like, "No, that delusional dream. I'm making a life for myself. I'm going to keep fucking going. This thing isn't taking me down." They were like, "You still have surgeries left?" And I was like, "No, I'm fighting." No, exactly. And that's the thing. It's like a lot of people survive, and It's not so much about like how, I guess, no, before I was gonna say something, but talent is important. I was gonna say talent is not important, but talent is important. But I think the longevity and how long you can endure too is super important, especially because it's like, a lot of people come here for like a year and they hate it. They start complaining about it and then they leave and I'm like, that's why. Because it's like what you complain about is what you're choosing a lot of the time, right? Like I heard another person say this too. But I also think that like what people say about like making it in New York or making it LA, if you can make it in both cities, you can make it anywhere. Truly, truly. And I also, I also think like that speaks to laughter a lot because I think laughter is such a key part of the delulu that like, like it laughter basically fuels delulu. it's like this is because it like carries you through like none of this is that bad. It makes you think like it's going to be okay. Yeah, no, this is that bad. 

Yeah. I think laughter and like I'll start like I'll start talking about my like how I kind of got into more laughing and like using it as like kind of a medicine in a second but I think like something that someone told me when I was in rehab which is the story I got to. Yes. is that they were like, you rather be laughing, like no one's gonna be laughing at you if you're laughing with them. - Yes. - And that kind of like, even though it's like a cliche, whatever, it's like an easy saying, but it's like, I thought about it, I was like, wait a minute, that's so true, 'cause like, a lot of the times you're worried that people are gonna be laughing at you, but then when you are able to laugh at yourself and you embrace that like fear of being like laughed at or fear of being like hated or fear of like being seen as seen as not enough. If you could laugh at yourself, you're like, okay, it makes it less of a priority in your brain. But a lot of times too, I forget that whatever we think that other people think about us is what we think about ourselves. Yeah, 100 % is. Well, how other people treat you is fully a reflection of themselves. And what you assign to yourself based on the way someone treats you is actually what you're thinking about yourself. - It's so true. It's like, okay. - It's so true. - Let's say I was like, oh, I think Gabby doesn't like me very much. And she has all these ideas about me. All of the things I think that you think about me is what I think about myself, right? - Yes. - It's not, 'cause you are not a mind reader. - No, no. - Okay? - No. - Like you'd be famous if you were. Like I tell myself that, I'm like, girl, If you were a mind reader, you would literally be on, like, "Good morning, America," reading people's, like, Tarots or, like, people's futures, right? Like, you're not a mind reader. Like, be for real. - Be for real. - Be so for real. - Yeah, no, and it's also, it's so that, like, the notion of judgment, anytime you judge somebody else, it's, like, some judgment that, like, you have about yourself. Like, the standard, like, that's what judgment is. Like, any judgment you place on someone else, there is something deep down in there that, like, it's partially about yourself. - Like, it's partially about yourself. that kind of behavior and yourself. It's not like you thinking somebody else as a slut actually is nothing to do with that person. It fully has to do with like how you feel about sex and your personal issues with it. - Yeah, a lot of people don't talk about like the projection aspect of it, like everything is a projection and I wish they would teach kids more of that in school. Like imagine if you were to teach kids, like if let's say like someone was mean to them at school, they wouldn't internalize it with their worth, but teaching them that oh like if someone like is really like bullying you or whatever it's like yes like that's not okay but also it does not reflect who you are it's probably they're probably going through something and they're taking it out on you and it has nothing to do with your self -worth or like you as a individual whatever and I think they don't teach that. Yeah no like it's like the whole notion of bullying like it's not okay because respect and treat everyone like like just be a person like especially in the adult world when somebody is like essentially bullying you i'm sure you've met people i definitely have i'm glad i was bullied as a kid though oh no it definitely gave me my personality character development it definitely gave me my personality sometimes i meet a person and i'm like you are under seasoned like - You've been fully cooked. - Yes, you haven't lived, it does not feel good. - Yeah, you haven't based it enough. - You haven't based it, no, no, no. You need to be incubated a little bit more. - Like, you need some growth serum there, I don't know, but character development is just wild. And I've noticed it a lot when I first got to college 'cause I'm like, oh my God, some of these kids have never been outside their hometowns. - No, yes. - But being from the city, it's like you see everything. - No, you see everything. You were so prepared when you came to LA because you like growing up in Queens We were just talking about how in New York you're always watching your back. I mean girl. Yeah, I'm like I feel like I Started taking the subway or bus when I was like 13 13 started walking to school when I was like 12 11 like because my okay So we live like close but not close enough to like my elementary and like middle school So we just walked you just So like I started walking when I was like in the fifth grade. - Okay. - Like to school. And then

like, when I-- - You were grown in the fifth grade. - Girl, I was grown. I had my first job when I was like 14. I had to get like papers to get exempt from like working like starting 16. Because like the minimum was 16. But then I was like, no, I need to start working. So I started working when I was like 14, girl. - Oh my God. You were just ready to-- - The bath and beyond. That's where I worked my first job. - The bath and beyond. What a great first job. - I mean, listen, it wasn't the best job, but like, it helped me like, learn how to deal with people. - Yeah, you know, I never, I was always a babysitter. So like everyone talks about how like their target job or whatever, like it helped them develop like XYZ. And I'm like, I skipped that. Like I was a waiter for like literally a month and then I broke my wrist so I could no longer do the waitering. But other than that, I was just a babysitter. And that's not like I was a babysitter and a tutor so like that's not yeah I mean I fear that being a waiter I was a waiter for a month to like during the summer for like the sushi spot and I realized I couldn't be a waiter because like girl I'll spit in your food yeah I will I like I just know myself I was just like also a time where I was like very unhealed I was like a kid like when people were like super rude to me I was just like girl I could spit in your foot I didn't but like if I worked there any longer you You and you were going to yeah, I only had my one month, but like I also like I was a babysitter But it was it was like consistent like I was a babysitter babysitter slash tutor and it was multiple days a week every week So it was consistent like it was a consistent enough job but I was like a learning to deal with young kids like I was a learning to deal with humans and What dealing with young kids taught me is is children should be seen not heard I fully agree with that I mean no it is true in some sense but then also it depends on who raised them yes it depends you raise them for sure how old they are fixing this behind me oh this little one yes yeah I think it's like popping out as long as you all I like that with the girly pop shirt it's cute girly pop Yeah, it's like my little slogan that I say now like everyone's like saying it around me all my friends because like you adopt People's lingo really pop. Okay, so I'm probably gonna adopt that cuz I like that really pop really pop It's just like a little endearing thing. Yeah, it is. It's cute. It's fun. Um, it's engaging. 

Yeah, yeah So you were you said that you were gonna touch on when did the whole rehab blah blah blah start? So I kind of knew early on and I brought this up to my co -host Emily one time, I was like, listen, I knew I've always wanted to move out here, I think. Like there was a college fair when I was like 14 that I went to, like first three flyers were like Chapman, UCLA, and it was like a bunch of like schools in the West Coast. And I think it's because I was so desperate to get out of there. - I basically only applied to West Coast schools, yeah. - Because I had like a lot of like family stuff. But like, oh, so I think like, when you are kind of like the black sheep of your family, or like, you just kind of like, know that you need to get out in order to like, be away from it to like, you know, because I knew I was struggling with things and that wasn't something I needed to admit, right? But like, so I like grew up like really overweight, like my parents were like my first bullies kind of. And so again, the projection part where It's like because I was so like bullied for that I like equated a lot of like the way I looked everything like To how lovable I was am I worth right? and I Think that and I've like struggled with it my entire life. I think it's because like of Just like never wanting to feel emotions. So like I feel like when I was growing up I dealt with like more like binge eating right and that's like capricorn. Yeah. Yeah, and then And my mom loved her though, and we'll go back to this later of forgiving for yourself. But she was always bullying me about how much weight I should lose, whatever. And I remember her being like to the doctor, "Should we take a pint of blood every month to help him lose weight?" And I was like, "Is this legal?" Anyway, girl, it But like she like tried everything she like bribed me with a laptop this one summer of my first year of high school To lose weight and I did I lost like 50 pounds that summer I did insanity that like before the p90x that was like insanity like and I thought it yes gonna work I remember that yes, but like it's crazy cuz like my mom taught me how to starve myself like she Yeah, it was one of those things where like you don't notice it as a kid 'cause you're so wanting that like acceptance. And I think that's where community comes in and that's why community is so important. - Oh yes, I agree. - And like that like acceptance of the people around you. And so like my first year, like people would literally nickname me like, they would call me like chubby. Like just like call me that, not even by my name. And like they want my life too. And so when I did lose the weight girl, that's why I have so much compassion for people and empathy and just like treat everyone with like the most Kind as I can, people's idea of me switched 180. It was like, oh my God, you're such an inspiration, you're such a, the fuck, fuck. I was like, you didn't even know my name two months ago. - Yeah, you didn't even know my, it's also, I unfortunately know or have encountered story, like just people in general, who like, they have developed eating disorders and basically they were taught to have one by a parent. like a parent basically taught them not having any disorder. So it's like, which is such a mind fuck. - I guess it wasn't her goal to do that. And I don't think like anyone in my family does, but I think she inadvertently did that. - She inadvertently, yes. - Because she wanted the best for me. - Yes, exactly. And she probably knew, 'cause you said it yourself, like how everybody treats you differently the second you, there is weight loss. It's crazy how much value that we play like we as humans we place on the external. Yeah. And so I was like really happy for a while, but that high always goes away. Because if you don't like yourself, it like always goes away. And there are also so many instances where people like are in really great shape or they look or not even in great shape. They're just really skinny and people are like, oh my God, you look so good. You look so healthy. You look so happy. And they're like, I was actually the least healthy and the least happy I've ever been. - Yeah, and like, that's the thing. That's like something I worked in therapy, like a lot on too, but like, that's for later. It's still in the timeline. But I was like actually fine for a while. - Okay. - You know, I feel like - - When you came out here? - No. - Oh, no. - Girl, this is like a long ass story. - Okay, this is a long ass story. But no, it was It was like after I was fine for a while, I was like I joined track whatever and I remember and this is why I'm like Your words are very important to people. There's this one random Aquinance friend. It's just like after health cost Monday I remember this distinctly because it was like a shifting point in how I viewed myself even more. I Was still afraid to like gain weight, whatever, but he was like this is junior year of call. I mean, you know high school and I already have lost the weight whatever he's been like a year or whatever. And he like made a like joking comment. He was like, oh, Dean, looks like you're putting on back the pounds or something like that. And I remember it because that was the exact moment when I was like, holy shit. Oh no. You know, like when your brain goes into like - - Yes. - And that's when I started spiraling and like that's when like my habit started of like - - Okay. - Just like either not eating or like just working out a lot with like - - Okay, over exercising. - With running, yeah, or just like, I had like a brief stint with like bulimia. It was just like a bunch of, I had all of it, girl. Anything to control, huh? - I'm a failed bulimic. - I mean, listen, I wish. - I'm a failed bulimic. When I was at my peak disordered eating, I was like, oh my God, if it would be easier if I was bulimic, so I'm gonna try that. - No, girl. - I tried so hard to get this hand all the way down there? - Don't tell the men that. - No. - You just don't have a gag reflex. (laughing) - Nobody, it doesn't matter. How, I mean, it doesn't, I don't have a gag reflex. - No, but I don't either, but it like, I figured out a way. - I figured out a way. - But that's the thing though. I like always want to share like about my story, but I'm afraid that it's going to trigger people and give them new habits. So I'm like, I'm not. 

But anyway, so I knew how to issue and I just never shade it with my parents, but But I knew that I needed to get out and also get help. So like literally when I landed in LA, I was like still 17 at the time. And I had applied for this school, like early decision. And I had not told my parents until like two days before I left, because they wanted me to stay local and stuff. But I knew them holding me back. I need to go. And so I did go. And they paid for a lot of my school, not my parents. Like I got a scholarship. and then the rest of it, I work -studied because I was getting more from a private school in California versus a state school. - In New York, yeah. - Like a SUNY, yeah. My sister went to a SUNY, like, they're not bad, it was just more expensive for me to go there, so I was like, I need to get out anyway, so. - Okay. - But my entire first year, it was kind of like, I was like, at my most, I thought I was at my most unhealthiest, but then it was like, when you go to college, like the drinking, right, and the drugs and everything, like just exacerbates it plus the validation from like just trying to meet new people. And so like I felt like it was like an opportunity for me to like start over and everything, but like I was the first one to I think like just like go into there like seek out the resources because I heard about it and like during orientation whatever and I was like I went to therapists still one of my favorite therapists this day, he ended up going part of the practice and now I can't afford him, but it's fine because it's been years. I have had him for basically free throughout my college, and that was so helpful for me. I'll explain why. But I went into rehab the first time October of my freshman year. Okay, so quick. No, I went three times, girl. I know three times. Yeah, I know that's right. But no, In October, I went because I was like, you know, my therapist was like, girl, you need to go. Like whatever. And so I was like, okay. So when you, I feel like puking. Now, were you going to rehab for a combination of the disordered eating issues? I went for like every single diagnosis, basically, but I never told my parents this until they found out like way after, after my third time in rehab, because, you know, like I never, When you don't have self -worth you also don't want to be a burden to people, right? Yes, like so I had also had that and but what did going to rehab like make it It I'm assuming it delayed or college graduation. No, no, okay, but that was my problem, too Okay, I'll explain why and I'll explain to everyone and why you should just go get help if you need help Yes, for me. I was like, no I have to finish school and I was like girl You acting like school is more important if you die none of this will matter. Yeah, like actually I'm like girl What the hell what the hellie? Yes? No, literally I'm gonna do like outpatient intensive. Girl, I went out in like, went in there two weeks, went out, relapsed in three seconds. - Relapsed in terms of everything. - Yeah, 'cause it was like girl, you didn't-- - So mental health issues, eating issues. - Like the drug stuff, yeah, whatever. And so it was just like literally everything. And like, I think like alcohol less so because I still like socially drink and stuff here and there nowadays, but I think it was because I was able to deal with like all my stuff. - Oh, okay. - Oh, okay. - And I don't really even go out that much anymore either, but like-- - I remember I asked you if you were excited about Pride weekend and you were like, no. - I went out one day, that's it. - Oh, you went one day? - That's it. And like Sunday, I went like, I got to West Hollywood at like 5 p.m. And we left at like 10, I was like, I'm not going in the morning. But no, yeah, after that, I went a second time, I tried to do like an intensive like outpatient program in like January of that year, or like the next year, because I went back home and then I realized I was even, I was re -triggered. I was like from where, you know, everything grew and I was just like, oh my God. And so I went back to like a seven, a more like, it wasn't more so residential, but it was more like a seven hour thing. And like - And this was your sophomore - You were college? - No, still my first year. - Oh, still my first, oh my God. - Girl, I know, I put my body through so much. It's actually insane. And that's how I went in. I was still like, I was okay. It was like, whatever. Like when back home, I was re -triggered all the things. Like my parents forced me to eat. And so it was like, you know how bad that shit goes when they forced you and they don't, anyway. Food is nothing after girl. - It's nothing. - No, it really isn't. 'Cause like people think it's like you just eat. And I'm like, ooh, don't say that 'cause that's gonna or someone. - Yeah, it's a more complicated. - It's more complicated than that. 'Cause if it was that easy, are you calling me stupid? I'm just kidding. But no, I realized that the way that I would deflect and also flake out on going to my seven hour outpatient thing was also having school was the same way that I was showing up for the people in my life at that time, but So how I was showing it for myself, but also how I was trained to kind of avoid conflict. - Okay. - So I was like, instead of telling them that I was like, I don't want to go, I just like didn't go. So like, literally the program. And then so they ended up just dropping me. So it's like, I went in for a couple of weeks, went in here and there. - They dropped you? - Well, they were like, we can't help someone who doesn't want help. And it's like, it's true though. - I mean, it's true. They can't help someone that doesn't want help. like I get that but it's also just like the this is somebody who needs rehab they're not showing up uh maybe you should like check it out no they did though but like the thing is like for me I'm a stubborn person and I that's why I don't blame them because I'm like I'm of every stubborn person and I knew exactly what I was doing you get I mean yeah but my impulsive Sagittariusness was like and then yeah I think after that though I just felt like shit was hitting the fan because I think it was just like I went in two times and I was just like still a mess because my issue was like I was still being trying to be the perfect patient every single time I went in which was like perfectionism all of that but it's like you don't heal when that shit happens and that happened the third time I went in too but that's why I was there for so long and I finally it got through to me okay but it was like the end of my freshman year and I will thank my therapist to the end of this day because he was like girl you don't need to check in because You might like drop dead tomorrow. Like we don't know like my heart rate was like 30. Yeah I'm under -eating. Yeah, just everything though. I'm also working out. It's like Everything literally everything though. It's like your body can't handle that. Yeah, like, you know, and I'm not gonna see my way Cuz I don't want to trigger anyone, but you know, no, no, no, no very like Not okay, but I'm doing drugs. I said just everything. Yeah, cuz like in order to get through all of that It's like you have to you have to - You kind of have to, but also, no, you don't have to. - No, you don't have to, but I get it, I get it. - I'm glad you get it, 'cause I feel like, if you haven't really gone through it, it's like you may be able to empathize, but you don't really understand when you're in that state. And like a lot of the things I don't really remember in terms of like the day to day then, because you're so like, you don't have the, your body's barely alive, right?And so the third time I went in, I like had to like leave school a little bit early. But like a lot of my professors, because I was stubborn, I was like, I need to be able to finish my coursework, like, or do my finals like online or later on. And so I wasn't behind. Yes. But then I went in and like, you know, my therapist was very, he was the first he visited me one time when I was in in patient. Oh, I know. 

But I was like, so this whole next third rehab thing was a complete 180 of like the two weeks. I wasn't there for like seven months, but like it was like Okay, it was seven months. Well, like it was like a span of seven months. They don't tell you how long Okay, it's the first thing I was worried about the first second. I walked down. I was like when I'm getting just charged They're like girl, we don't know You're like I have school yeah, I was going like it's like okay, but you could also be dad. I'm like, okay, right true - That's not true. - True. - I see you and I raise you. - True. But I will say though, the first months like I was mentioning earlier, I didn't heal at all because I was literally like sneaking shit like and trying to like still engage in everything that I did. Like I was so, still like wanting to be in control that like. - Oh my God. That unfortunately is like the story too many times with the rehab that the patients are like still trying to do. - And so that's when they didn't want to discharge me. - Yeah. - And like Thank God because it was like the whole like almost one month and I was like still trying to be the perfect patient. I was like, I'm fine. This is like great. And they're like, you're doing everything. Yeah, like you're progressing and stuff on paper, but you're not. - Yeah, we know you're not. And then like one of the days I like broke, I think I like literally went to one of the restrooms and like, whatever. But like that was because everyone was sleeping, whatever I figured out a way. 'Cause you know, crazy bitches be crazy. - And it's such a curious, we'll find out the way. - Oh the way they have to. - And then like, they figured out like, yeah, they were like someone did that last night and I blamed it on someone else. I looked at them dead in the eye and I blamed it on someone else. It was crazy. But like, that's the thing. Like an addiction will do that to you. Like they will make you lie and like not make you yourself. - And like, - I mean, I've never experienced an addiction, but like I from, 'cause I've obviously heard people like talk about it. It's everyone says like, it will make you lie and betray everyone and it's not that like you are trying to, it's literally this illness is making you do this. - It's like one of those things where it's like you don't even recognize yourself 'cause it's not you. - Yeah, it's not you. - But also it's like part of it is like you trying to scream out for help, right? But like also part of you is like trying to grasp onto it 'cause it's the only thing you really know how to like get through life with, right? With right and like that's all you've been getting your addiction is like your crotch like your friend You're bestie, right? Well, that's the problem with eating a sort of stew is they become like your crutch almost. Yeah Yeah, and you isolate yourself from everyone, you know and like the more that people comment the more you're like Oh, yeah, see no one really like wants to be around me and you actually more right exactly, but when I finally broke Was when you know, they like sat me down again. They're like Did you do it like did you like are you lying, whatever. And then I broke down for some reason, and I'm glad I had a breakthrough. Yeah. But that breakthrough didn't come because, oh, just, you know, I just kept on dilly -dallying. No, it came because tying back to literally the theme laughter because of one nurse. And I will also love her for the rest of my life. Her name is, I think her name was like Nurse Vanessa. Okay. But basically she was one of the most funny, most like Girl, do you see yourself like she was so like start comedy and it was probably like She probably didn't give a shit because she was just like I'm working here like it was a night She was an overnight nurse. Yes. Yeah, and she was like girl Do you see yourself like this is not you like look sick you think you're fat, but you're not But like she just gave me like real truths I made it like kind of funny and it was like something I think I just needed to hear at the time because I think a lot of coddling like they could tell you like I think when it Comes I'm like a more like authoritative figure. It's like, oh, you have to do this. So like nutrition is being like, you have to do this. No one hates a nutritionist more than someone who has had an ED. Yeah. That's why I don't have one. But because I can take care of myself now, but like it was just more so like she taught me. I mean, you're in great shape, yeah. Well, you know, like I try to like just balance it 'cause I'm like, I can't do the whole like, I don't weigh myself by the way. I haven't weighed myself in - I don't need to know. - I don't need myself. - No, no, no, no, no. I know that's like the first thing to get rid of when you're getting over a form of eating disorder or disorderly eating. - I don't measure anything. I don't measure literally anything. I don't measure, like there's a scale in gym. I don't need to use it. Like I don't measure. Like I don't talk about any of those things. Cause I'm like, if it works for y 'all, like counting whatever, like go good for you. But I have like an obsessive personality. I will never do this ever again. - Also like the scale, scales so often are wrong. Like there's like scales are rarely right, so sometimes when I'm in the gym locker room I'll like see girls like routinely going on the scale and one time a scale I'm lucky in the sense that scale doesn't trigger me, but I knew how much I weighed because I've had to be in and out of doctor so many times so I was like that's partially why scale doesn't trigger me because I am always in and out of order. Oh no, I made sure I was like, I'm gonna step on the scale backwards and you're gonna-- - And not see. - And you're gonna write it down and that's it. - And not see. Well, I basically had to make me aware because it was how much weight I lost from being in the coma and not walking. - Yeah, I understand. - It basically had to make me aware and was scary. I haven't weighed that little since middle school. But I, one time was just seeing, stepped on the scale in the gym and it was making me like, I just had a doctor's appointment. so I could see it was making me like eight pounds heavier than I currently weight and it made me feel bad for the amount of people who step on that religiously because I know that was this was the one time I did it but the amount of people that step on that religiously and it's determining their self -worth because I'm like that's not even correct I know it's not correct but also it's like girl you weigh different on the moon yeah like you weigh different everything's made the fuck up that's number one but also number two it's like it's It's not a way to live no like that. It's just like I've been there And it's just like talk about being happy like if you're happy with like yourself and what you see in the mirror great It's like it's not about a number. Yeah, but it's like it's also one of those things where it's like I think it's definitely harder especially of course like my dumbass would say in LA right like where it's like literally the most hyper -fixated thing on in the city. I feel like a lot of the time And so it was very, I think it was like that also played a part in like me getting even like worse, but um She the nurse i'm going back to the nurse. She was very like Just so open about the way that like she communicated with us and like she was very empathetic and she was like listen Like you don't want to like she was the one that gave me all these like truths and such She's like you don't want to be dead and not be able to like do anything And like she just like made little analogies Which I use a lot of analogies in my content nowadays because I realized like that's what really helped me. She like used the piece of paper and drew like okay look at this one neuron right and then like if you do one line it's like okay you can't really see on the next piece of paper. Think of that as like an imprint on your brain like a crease on your brain. If you keep on going back and forth the ink's gonna start bleeding through and then it's gonna start denting all the papers behind it. Which is like kind of like think of it like a imprint on your mind to like the pathway to new behaviors. Yes. in that way, right? And it's like, she visualized it for me. - But you just thought you were Pete, yeah. - But like she like visualized that for me and I was like, okay, that makes sense. 'Cause it was all like bullshit to me where it was like in the past. Like I feel like, you know, it's like people always say it's easy and then it's like, okay, it's not gonna work. But then like she really took the time to like explain it to me and like the center's closed now so I could say this, but she like literally broke us out of rehab one night. No, but for like a joy ride, For like a joy ride to Denny's just to show us like how unhealed I like we still were some of us Because we went to Denny's and I was like can I get the pecan pancake without the pancake? You know what came on the plate one pecan Bitch I have that video so I don't know maybe I'll send it to you later But it was like one of the funniest things ever and we all started laughing But then like we but then she was like do you "Do you get it? "Do you get what I'm saying now?" - Like how unwell you are, yeah. - Unwell, and the fact that we were able to laugh about it, but also, that was the first time I ever laughed with the other residents together. - Okay. - 'Cause we all, in a way, we were just all dealing with our own shit, but that really opened our eyes up to girl, what the fuck, are we really doing? But no, yeah. After that, when finally like start to deal with my shit and like really release and like I was still very like mentally unwell but I got my body stuff in order for now and then I knew myself at the point of like when I got out of residential I was like I can't go into like the PHP thing I know I'm gonna relapse really quick because because I did it so fast in the beginning I was like I know how to do it slow now so I went to like transitional living for a month okay which is like you're still in a house with people like with someone where it's like but like you have more freedom. Yes. And then you go to like only seven hours and then like three hours. Okay. And that was like just in time when like school started. It's like waning off therapy. It's waning like, like, you know, people think waning off drugs, but it's like that, but from therapy. Yeah. So it was like mid, I think it was like end of October, like November -ish, when I like finally like started to get discharged from like IOP, the three month thing. 

And like after that, I think, I think college, you still have the mental part of it and that's what I've been working on ever since. And so that's why I'm able to come to the way I am now in terms of thinking about things. And I think people think it's supposed to go like this because that's how we're raised to want things instantaneously, babe. Therapy's not gonna work in one, two years if you have your Yeah, like for me it took like maybe like up to the five -year mark when things  finally start to like click naturally for me in terms of like Being like oh wait. This is just being filtered through like my negative corp of leaves Yeah, you know, yeah, it's like the unfortunate reality Reality of a lot of situations is trauma takes like years to develop so it's not going to be undone in a second It's going to take just as long if not longer to undo. - Yeah, did you see that wine glass analogy where someone poured wine and then they poured water and it kept on running and it wasn't clear until it kept on having to run and it was still going to be purple until you have to keep on, that's why it takes time. It's like, you can't just rinse it out. - No, you can't just rinse it out. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So that's a great analogy. - It wasn't really good. I was like, "Wow, wow." - Also, I see the analogies in your humor just because something you posted on your Instagram that like I sent me. - Which one's the ayahuasca one? - The ayahuasca one. - It's true though, and like that's the thing. I like just made that out of my car because I was like just thinking, you know, 'cause I don't think I have too many thoughts. But I was just like, it's so true because I think a lot of people love to run away from people that show them who they are. - Yeah. - 'Cause they're afraid of themselves, they're afraid of like dealing with their own shit. - 100%. I did that like a lot of my life, but also I did that when I was going through my shit You know, it's like I always any time someone caught on to like That I had issues like in the beginning of college. Yeah, I Like stopping friends with them. I would jump to the next front group next friend and that's the thing A lot of people don't change themselves. They change their circle. They change their circle, but they don't change themselves Oh, yeah, same circumstances, but like just with new faces. Yes same behaviors with new faces Yes, and That's why people do that. That's why I don't blame people who like jump friend groups 'cause I'm like, they're probably deeply very unhappy. - Yeah, they're probably deeply very unhappy. Yeah, there's definitely been instances where just, I think I was talking about recently, where just like there was the way that someone was treating multiple people. I was like, they are so sad on the inside. They are So sad on the inside, like unfortunately that's the reality of a lot of this stuff. It's just like No one hates other people more than Someone who hates them. So exactly like it was like one of those things when I lost weight too And it's like I'm not afraid to give these examples because I'm like I literally lived through it Had to learn unlearned shit and like realized I was projecting right? Yes When I lost the weight when I would see another person in a bigger body I'd be like, oh my god ill fat - Yeah. - Because I was afraid that people would call me that. So I would be calling. - Exactly, okay. - You know, it's like, I became a person I didn't even recognize and it like broke my heart like going, like just thinking back to it too. But also like, that's why I'm so cognizant of like what I say, but like also it's like everything. Like am I projecting something or, you know? Or even when like someone would come to me and immediately I would have that like first judgment that the world teaches you to think and then the second one is really you Where it's like the first one may like judge them and the second one is like wait. Why did I judge them? You know like that's the thought you need to listen to where it's like I Do that all yeah, that is something that like I sort of I think it's it's interesting because you were talking about forgiveness at the beginning and like your process of forgiving your mom and I went through a really big process of forgiveness where like I kind of like I know forgiveness is for yourself and like you're supposed to forgive everyone like I know that but I thought like we were allowed to have lines that cannot be crossed sort of thing and so I was like I'm never gonna forgive the person that hit me with a car I'm never gonna forgive that driver and I was like no I've forgiven them I have I mean but it's like one of those things where it's like I think people equate forgiveness forgiveness, a lot of the time with like not holding anyone else accountable, but it's like you really held them accountable in your mind, you know, it's like, so that's Yeah, you can hold them accountable in your mind, but like the book that I was reading and teaching about the importance of forgiveness also was teaching about judgment. And now, since I've read tha book, anytime I judge someone, my second thought is, okay, what's unhealed? Why did you pass that judgment on that person? But yeah, but I did work. It took a lot, but I worked. I've totally forgiven that driver. I'm like Because like honestly, it's like what it's like I know these are cliche things, but it's like when you're like when you don't forget someone It's like you're the one who's like only carrying it, right? Yeah, they're poison and shit. It's like girl The other person's literally not affected Exactly, it's and they probably are not thinking about you like it's like You're refusing to forgive your grudge holding. It is draining yourself. That is not doing anything to the other person. - Like you holding the grudge is just reinforcing how little you think about yourself. - Exactly, that's all it is. That's all it's doing. - Did you, is the book you are talking about like the four agreements, do you know that about? - No, but oh my God, that's the, remember, I'm gonna ask you for a recommendation. The Emily's recommendation was the four, now the five agreements. - Oh really? - Yes, the book that I'm talking about, it was called "Judgment Detox" by Gabrielle Bernstein. - Mm. -  Yeah. I mean, things change, you know, things evolve, so. - Now it's quintuplets. - What? - Quintuplets. - What does that mean? - Remember, there's quadruplets and then five is quintuplets. - I didn't even know. - Oh, I was like, what the heck? - So there's like one child, then there's twins, then there's triplets, then there's quadruplets, it's four, and then there's quintuplets, it's five. - Girl, I can't have one sister, I have one sister, that's like-- - You have one sister? - Like, that's not a sibling for me. - I have one brother, - But you know, I've, you know, you've seen the crazy, like the Octo mom who would eight kids don't want to see those things. - I've seen them, but never, not us. - I never lived it, but I just know about the definition of quintuplets. I know it's a thing that exists. - I mean, no, no, yeah. Cause I used to work on reality TV and it would be like, they would be, they would be, - Of course you worked on reality TV. What show? - Well, all of them. Well, we were developing them. - All of them, all the reality shows. - No, but like I worked on like Carpool Karaoke. I worked on like - - You worked on Carpool Karaoke, but so fun. - Like live carpet stuff. I worked on The Friends Reunion. What else? I mean, there's a lot. I worked on the Kobe Memorial Special. And then that was more my production days. And then I went into development. - And then you went into development. - Development was more so like the ideations of the shows. - Yeah, I know what development is. - Content development was like for like comedy or like documentaries or like food shows or like all of those, you just ideate everything. -

 I feel like documentaries or food shows would just be ignoring your God given talent. - What do you mean? - Your God given talent of humor. - I mean, listen, some of it, the food stuff, it's like, it was more so like I was graphically designing a lot of stuff, but like I was also like thinking of ideas. - Okay, you also have graphic design skill. - Yeah, I do, I have like 500 pitch decks from like those development times that are in my portfolio, but like it's one of those things like I'll do it freelance maybe here and there, but it's not really something that I presented it for a long time because I worked the nine to five doing it and it was just like a lot. It was past the nine to five. But no, I think I'm glad that it didn't taint my ability to laugh. Okay. Because if I had had to do that for work, I think I would hate it. I'm not even like try to get into it. No, no, seriously. But I think again like laughter is the best medicine because I think like It has helped reshape the way that I just think about Every single thing. Yeah, I'm struggling with something, you know, like I try to make a joke about it, too Obviously not like the super serious stuff, but it's like the things that I know that like will pass I just kind of like, you know, try to make some either dark humor about it or like something that'll help me process it in the moment and then I'll process it deeper later. Yeah. I think you know. Yeah especially well it's like the whole concept of Gallows humor it's like when you experience something like in motion so intense that it's like if you don't laugh you'll cry that's why like a lot of comedians come from like really traumatic backgrounds like yeah it's like choose laughter instead of choosing tears. Oh I choose both babe no I schedule a 15 minute cry break like today at like 115. - Do you schedule your cry breaks? - I have to or else I don't like to have– - Capricorn placement. - I don't wanna have like pent -up emotions or like I try to like, you know, have like a little cry break moment or just like a moment where I'm like feeling sad or like whatever, you know? Because I think if you don't, then it's hard for you to actually truly laugh. - It's hard for you to actually truly laugh, okay. - 'Cause yeah, someone like broke my heart telling me this one time when I lost weight and I was to let the world show up, like tell me who I was and how much I was worth. Someone was like, you don't have the same laugh you used to when you were overweight. Yeah, and I'm finally like, in the past like five years, like finally like I feel like I got in that laughter back. I know, but like it fucked me the fuck up because I was like, oh my God, I like lost that like childish, like not childish, but like, you know that like, just laugh of like not giving a shit. I was very like reserved and I was very reserved and just kind of shut down, not shut down, but shut out to the world, where people were like, yeah, I used to be so laughy, kind of lost that. And I was like, what the fuck? But I think a lot of my time in therapy, too, is trying to get that back. And I saw, I think that's why I'm so big on laughter. Because if you could laugh so freely, is how free you are, I don't know. - If you can laugh, that's how free you are. - Like how much you can be free when you laugh? 'Cause you know, there are people that can just like, laugh demurely, like, ha -ha. - Yeah. - But girl, when I– - No, when I laugh, I fucking laugh. - I'm like cackling. - No, I like, when I laugh, I laugh. I don't laugh the same as I did before I got hurt, but that's because I was tricked and my vocal cords got shredded. - Oh, no, of course, yeah. - You know, as one happens. But when I laugh, I fucking laugh. Also when I cry, I fucking cry. I have no shame in my tears. I in public have like full on fucking sobbed. And then I've also in public like died laughing before. - Yeah, I'm like a 365 party girl, but then also a someone like you. No, literally. - I'm a 365 party girl. - But then also like a someone like you. - Charlie XTX has been mentioned in like the last three episodes that before. - I mean, but like it's always gonna be, you know, Because I think she just gives a vibe of like really unseriousness, which is so needed, right? But I also think that like, you also need to have that moment where you're just like, I drink wine, you know, like Adele, like Adele and shit, you know, you should be sad, simpy. I have like one song in all my like twerking music playlist because I'm like, girl, I need - My twerking music playlist? I need like to have one really sad one. So it's like, I'm like literally like balls to the ground and it's like one sad one. I'm like, okay, can you work to a sad one? Or do you like take a, no, you have to take a breather. You know, you have to start crying and then like my rule though is like once like the sad ones are over. It's like you're back to being a, you know, you're back to being a baddie. 365 party girll. Yeah. I can't work. It makes me really sad. I mean, I think I used to when I used to dance a little bit more, but I just kind of bop around nowadays. My ass just doesn't shake like that. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think I know it just doesn't go like that. I wish I did it. I just pretend I do lose myself Then you know why fuck it I can't work. In fact, I'm gonna go I'm gonna work hard after this. I dilute so myself so hard and my friends are like, oh my god Like they joke around they're like you should like learn how to like pole dance and stuff Just like fun because you have like strong legs, right? Cuz I'm a runner and I dilute myself. I'm like, yeah, definitely. I could definitely work out like an Abbey or Mickey's, I'm like, "I cannot, I cannot." Like, girl, I can barely hold on for dear life. Like, you think I'm gonna hold on to a fucking pole? - Nope, I wanna take a pole dancing class, though. - I wanna take one, too. - I feel like it'd be fun. - I wanna take one just for fun, but I don't know, I'm scared, what if I like it too much? - You'd like, what if I, I think I'd really, it just seems so freeing. - It does, but I also didn't realize, I found this out, like, literally like a few months ago. I didn't know, like, I thought the pole was just There's one straight solid piece of metal, but apparently there's literally pieces of it. That's how they do all the things. Yeah, I'm like, "How you bitches not have fucking calluses on your hand?" And that's why. That's how. They don't defy biology, defy physics. Because I was like, "Damn, my hands will be fucking gross out." But it's still, pole dancing is like the hardest thing you could physical thing, like ever. Like J .Lo, when she trained for hustlers, said it was by far the Hardest physical thing she's ever done. Yeah. Oh god. I'm not one to train for that for a movie And we're having to reshoot those scenes. Well, I'd be like, let me clock out 

Well, there's the the girl that just won the oscar for Anora She had to learn how to pull dance for anora and she is Debilitating vertigo and like after she was like, yeah the first couple times I did it I would have to like lie down on the ground for 45 minutes after And my head now like I can't like just doing that, like made my head get a head rush. Like I'm very sensitive to like, and I get very dizzy, super easy. So like I understand what she's saying. I'm like, yeah, I have no fucking idea. Like she did it. She won the Oscar, but I'm like, I have no fucking idea how I would train for that movie. I would need to lie down on the ground for seven hours after I did one spin. - She could have had a stunt double. - She did it. - Oh really? - She did it all herself. - Yes, she wanted that Oscar, she was going hard. - I mean, girl, people went Oscars and you still don't know like some of the other people, but I feel like, okay, fine, maybe she did that. Maybe she did that. - But who I feel bad for is Cynthia Erivo, because she also did all her own stunts and you know, she wanted that Oscar. - Oh no, but guess what? You know why they're not gonna get it? They're all, they're gonna sleep this year. - Yeah, she's gonna get it for the second one. - They always do that. - I don't think Ariana Grande though is, because Glinda, I don't know if you know Wicked, but Glinda is like a much bigger part in the first act. So I don't think she's gonna get it. I think Ariana Grande, it's you out. - I might, I'm gonna fight you on that a little bit only because member Lord of the Rings, they had to wait till all of it came out and then they finally started getting awards. I think the same thing's gonna happen with Wicked. - I think Cynthia Erivo is gonna win this year. I don't think Ariana Grande is. - I mean, she doesn't really need it, honestly. - She's fine without it. - Yeah, people know it's like. She's fine about it, but her big like Glinda is mainly a character in the first act and the second act like she's there Like she pops up, but like not nearly to the amount. She doesn't have a song Like she doesn't have her own song, but I feel like part one's gonna live in people's head like rent -free Yes part one. I mean she fucking crushed it in part one. I think she should have gotten supporting. I do I just want to see Johnathan Bailey. I love that man. I just don't know he was gay. I didn't know he was gay. I oh yeah he's gay. I was like period then. Why do you this I'm not gonna it's mean to me but I was gonna say why do you think she isn't with why do you think she's with Ethan Slater and not with Johnathan Bailey? Who? Irina Crande. Well didn't she just get a divorce? She did she did get a divorce but part of the reason why she got a divorce apparently was because she was cheating on her husband with Ethan Slater. But that's apparently just a part and that's also a rumor. So that might be true. - Yeah, that's none of my business, but also I think I'm like, that's, I get it now. - Yeah, so it might not be true. But like Jonathan Bailey, it's like when you first hear about that, you're like, Ethan Slater, really? Like if you don't know Jonathan Bailey's guy, it's like, you could, what about that man? But then you find Jonathan Bailey's gang, you're like, oh, there we go. - Yeah, I was like, oh, interesting. - Yes, so you can, you can get there. - No, but I feel like, see, listen, no, no, because I feel like there's just too, I overthink too much the world. I cannot be dating someone who has like that much like fame and stuff, you know? - Dating somebody famous would be really, it would be, it would be hard. - I've had friends who dated people famous and they said it was kind of exhausting. - It must be hard. Like I remember when I was a little girl in love with Harry Styles, little girl, what am I saying? I'm still in love with higher styles. But I remember when I was like in high school, like, loved one direction, my mom would always be like, and like, you know, about their girlfriends when I was like 14. My mom was like, imagine how hard it must be being one of their girlfriends. Everyone is obsessed with them. Everyone wants to fuck them. Everyone wants to date them. Everyone wants to date them. And then all you bitches hate their girlfriends. And I was like, I don't see it, "Mom, I would love to be Harry Styles' girlfriend." And now that I'm older, I'm like, "That would be fucking terrible." - Yeah, that would be terrifying too. - That'd be terrible. A mob of 12 -year -olds would hate me and everybody would wanna fuck my mans. - Why do you think everyone has an NDA? - Yeah. - There are some things I can't say on the record, but there are some, yeah, I'm not gonna say anything because there's a lot of things, not with me, but people I know of bigger people in celebrity that I'm like. - That they have been signed insane NDAs. - Yeah, and I'm like, that's sad, but like, shit, okay. It's just like, not a type of love I want, you know? May that love never find me, you know? Type of thing. - May that love never find me. - Literally, may that love never fucking find me. And that's the thing too, with laughter, you need to be able to laugh with your partner. - 

Yes, 100%. - A lot of people are just not. People take life too seriously. - Sense of humor is so important. Like if I, I could Never date somebody who their sense of humor isn't like if we don't have the banter on the first day I'm like this ain't gonna work But then it's not even about like the first day It's like if I feel like I can't be myself around you and I feel uncomfortable being myself around you It didn't you don't have to be like Comical comedian like a yeah, you know, but it's like have some type of like yeah kind of similar like humor or just like get it Yeah, you know where it's like I don't feel shameful because I've like felt weird before around people where it's like when you're yourself and like You know you laugh a lot or like you're being like truly you they like get off put by it because they're scared of like Showing who they are to people they have walls so high that like when you try to break them down. They like make you the problem Yeah, yeah, I know that is my good guy friend of mine We went out last Sunday to lunch And he was talking about a girl he had recently gone on a date with and he was like having a second date with her like he liked it was great day. But the first thing he did the way he described her to

me was he was like she was super nice she was super sweet and I literally was like I'd be so offended if I went on a date with a guy and that that's how they describe me they're not describing me as she was fucking hilarious like I would be that's not my person like I say that a problem that I have is my way of flirting is like teeth. It's like, I'm super friendly and I'm super nice. But really, if I'm being super nice to you, I'm not into you. - I was gonna say that, yeah. - If I'm into you, if I'm into you, I'm like shitting on your life a little bit. - I mean, not like, yeah, like that, but it's like at a certain level. You know, for me, at a certain level, I will do that. - At a certain level, of course. Like, no, no, no, no, no, not like heavily when we're in like the first stages, but just a little bit. - Yeah, yes. Because I think I got, - You know what I got confused with too in the beginning of like, just dating another. I feel like sometimes like I think a lot of us confuse, we confuse over sharing with vulnerability a lot of the time. - Okay. - We do. - I think that, all right, explain it, go. 'Cause I definitely feel like that could be true, but like go. - Oversharing, when you confuse over sharing as vulnerability, you are gonna start sharing things that are like, you just met this person on an app two hours ago, they don't need to know and process like

every single thing you've gone through. It's like, just think about it. If you're getting that, right? It's like, it might be overwhelming. That's not true vulnerability. That's you like saying and putting all the cards on the table because you're afraid that like, if you don't say all of these things, like from either past partner or whatever, you're not being open enough, not communicative enough. It's like, it's coming from a place of lack, whereas if you just like did it naturally and let people find these things out not like find these things out but like you share it slowly that's more vulnerable than being like here's an open casket right away like right you know like yeah no i hundred percent like jump scare i hundred percent got that i definitely get that notion on like when people have first dates and somebody's just like basically trauma dumping and it's like slow down i've had one drink Let's calm down. I've definitely seen that notion. I also feel like Because of what I've been through I always try to be like a little like I try to keep it close to my I Like I obviously I have this podcast. I'm very open about it But it's not something I like to lead with and like I kind of want people to like have to drag it out for me a little bit but it's it can be a little tricky to navigate because like when you ask me what I do, I'm like, oh yeah, I have this podcast and it's like, what about and I'm like spirituality and like overcoming trauma and like laughter, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, okay, where did that and I'm like, yeah, I want I used to be an actor but then I like I had to pivot I went through some shit a few years ago. They're like, what did you go through and then I'm like, well, and then the whole thing comes out and it's like, I always am like when that happens. I'm like I don't want this to be the thing I lead with but it like it so and that's something I'm still figuring out. For me I had that issue a little bit too until I realized why do you think that you owe them the entire story you bullet point it and I was like wait my friend gave me that advice I was like what do you mean girl if they ask you what you've been been through whatever you just bullet point it in your head and just say like the mate like the you know when you're like summarizing a paragraph like one paragraph in one sentence do that and like so you're not like like hashing the whole story and retraumatizing yourself in the moment yeah as you're like trying to meet this new person that's what I've kind of started doing I'm just like I say like yeah I was hit by a car it was really bad like I'm talking brain surgery and just you know I had to rebuild my life or you redirect the conversation a little bit where it's like you say one thing and then it reminds you of a And when it's like, oh, but like, you know, like, have you ever done something like this? - Yes. - And then like, it makes them talk about themselves for a hot second. - It redirects the whole conversation. - Yes. - Yes. - But that's not even avoiding. I think avoiding is very different than that. I think this is more so, I'm talking about first day. I'm not talking about like the 10th day. I'm like, by the 10th day, you should kind of know the person. - Oh no, by the 10th day, it's also like, I have scars everywhere. So like the second item of clothing is removed. It's like, what happened there? Also, you can very much feel my metal ribs. Like you can really feel them. - Oh, I didn't know that. - Yeah, yeah, you can really feel them. After the episode, I'll let you feel them. - I have like never actually gotten surgery except for like my finger. - Yeah, well, I had one surgical procedure before on my surgeries, I had a breast reduction. And then one of the surgeries I got was, I have a whole episode about this, was one of the surgeries I got from everything was a boob job, so it's kind of ironic that I went from breast reduction to boob job, blah, blah, blah it's - It's a whole story. - As you should, girl. - It's your body. - It's a whole story. Listen, I've had forces of boobs in my lifetime. It's crazy. - If Kris Jenner can go from 70 to 20, you can do anything. - Exactly. Kris, stop looking over. - Girl, Steven Levine, New York City, Park Avenue. Don't ask me why I don't. - What? - I'm just pre -knowing. - I'm just pre -knowing. I'm getting ready. - I'm pre -knowing, but I probably won't need it. I'm Asian. I won't need it until I'm 60. - I'm Asian? I won't need it. - I won't. Asian don't raisin, babe, until - Oh my God. - And then I'm gonna give you what she has. - Oh my God, okay. This is a bit amazing. 

So the two things I do every episode is I share my spiritual moment of the week. And I also have the guests. When I host, when I do solo episodes, I give my rec on anything that supports spiritual growth. But when I have guests, they share their rec. So like Emily shared the quintuplet agreements. That's what Emily shared. So like now you're going to share your rack. But if you want, I can do my spiritual moment first, if you want to think a little further. - Yeah, I want to think a little bit. Why don't you share one and you want two? - So, okay, so I'll do my spiritual moment of the week. So my spiritual moment of the week has to do with the stars. So the full moon's tonight, the full moon in Gemini. - Oh God, what's in the microwave again? - Gemini? - I'm just kidding. I don't know. Anytime someone does, I'm like, oh fuck. - But anyway, this full moon, what it's supposed to bring to you is like clarity and reframing, like clarity on a situation that like you've been or a person or a thing or a job, whatever, something you've been ruminating over and just sort of like a reframe and now you understand it and

you're like, "Oh my God, this is how I need to navigate it." And yesterday, I had a life coach session with my life coach, Dom. She also goes to the place I'm not allowed to say 'cause they'll start charging me. I'm just kidding. It was a joke. No, no, no. I don't know. I don't know about that. But I was having a session with her and I was talking about two separate things, but two separate things that have like really been weighing like heavy. I've been thinking about them so much, like over the course of like the last month or so, and been so like, like, I don't know how to like, move forward in these situations I don't know like so our session was like very emotional there were a lot of tears but we got in one of them I found the root cause what the root fear is of this thing that I've been going through for the past month and I was like and now I know how to like because I know what the root is and then the other one that I had was like it has to do fair intuition and trusting your intuition more it's like basically this thing that I'm supposed to do but like I don't I just you know it's so hard when you're a people pleaser and I'm trying to stop being like you don't want to let people down and you're supposed to do this thing I'm supposed to do this thing but I just like it hasn't been feeling right with me and I was talking to and she was like I was like yeah like on paper like there was no reason why I shouldn't do it. Like one plus one plus two. Like there's no direct problem. And Dom was like, babe, your intuition, listen to your body, like you that's what you preach. Reason enough is that for whatever reason, it doesn't feel right. That is reason enough. That is your proof that is your reason that is your intuition. It doesn't feel right. And I was like, okay, great. And now like, I'm all prepared to like, and just be like, it doesn't feel right, I'm stopping, I'm pulling out. So those were my, pulling out. So those were my two spiritual moments of the week. And like the crazy thing about it was I did not know that that's what this specific full moon was supposed to bring to me. And I just read that about it this morning. And I was like, oh my God, this literally happened. I've had these two things completely reframed and I'm looking at them completely differently. And I've clarity on each of them. - I mean, that's like, it's always gonna be a process too, like a challenge. Like, 'cause you'll never, sometimes you'll question it still, regardless of how, but I think that like, yes, 

the body keeps the score, girl. - The body keeps the score, I fucking love that book. - It does, I fucking love that book. - The body keeps the score, I love that book. I talked about it with somebody else on another episode, but we just talked about it. - Like, bad example, the spark you feel with somebody, the butterflies you feel with somebody, baby, that is anxiety. - Yeah, - Exactly, the butterflies you feel are anxiety. It's a trauma response. - It is, and also, it's different for everyone. For the spark for me though, if I feel a spark with someone, I gotta run the opposite way. Because the spark reminds me of the love that I received as a kid, which was abusive love. - Okay, all right. - Every time I had a spark with someone, girl. - Oh, was it good? - Yeah. - Was it good? - No. - That was like-- - No, it was like very good. - I saw this whole thing about how the butterflies, it's a trauma, you're addicted, You're addicted to that feeling of like that trauma and it's like but it's not it doesn't mean it's not good Because the person that you're supposed to end up with ultimately supposed to make you feel so safe It's not supposed to be like butterflies and nervousness. It's not that Yeah, I mean, I think I mentioned earlier like with the spiritual thing I was like I could say the four agreements again, right? But then I also feel like What have I been recently doing? I'm like trying to think of It's only what Wednesday. Yeah. Oh, dear. I feel like just June in general. It has been like what the fuck? Just a lot of shit has been going on, you know in the world Things are crazy right now. Yeah, I think also the thing that We can take from a lot of this like just whatever's going on in the like obviously like hold your people close right yes but also I think it's like we've seen time and time again when it's like people constantly try to find solutions to problems they created and it could literally apply to anything either politically or it could also apply internally it's like a lot of times we want to look for solutions right to certain things in our life when we haven't even figured out how to like we got to go to that like the what what's causing that what caused you know in the first place and it's like it's like you can't try to think good analogy want to find solutions the problems I created it's like you cannot get like have a broken cup and fill it up and expect it to be full yeah you're like you kept on trying to tape it when you can just like girl change the cup you know yes not analogy but you know trying I'll explain that a little bit. But also something I realized this week, it was like, what happened with that friend? Or not really? I call him like Friendly's. I don't copy what aquaintance is 'cause that sounds really mean. - I say Friendly acquaintances. - I just say Friendly's. It's easier on the mouth. - Friendly's, I like that. - Friendly's. No, but I think when he lashed out at me and he gave me a realization where it's like, oh my God, I truly am like able to like detach myself, not detach myself, but you're good, I mean, like I'm able to be girly pop about it. I'm able to kind of really take my own advice on things and like know that they're coming from a place of hurt and when you realize that nothing you do or like say to the right people that are supposed to be in your life, like they're never gonna leave you based on, you know, - Unless you're like problematic than girl bye. No, actually, but like, if it's like, girl, you fart around me, you say like that,like whatever, it's like you say the most outlandish, crazy delusional shit. I'm like, girl, I'll laugh at you. And it's like, it's not gonna make me love you any less. 'Cause I think people are so afraid what's on the other side of cringe and fear that they're like afraid to go past it, but that's where the success is. That's where the healing is. That's where everything is, you know? - Amazing, - Amazing, beautiful. Thank you for that. 

So, just, where can people find you real quick? - Well, you can find me-- - Definitely delusion on the pod. - Definitely delusion of the pod, and then deanwlin on Instagram. Some people might know me from Instagram, 'cause that's like my biggest platform. - Yeah, 'cause you're, yeah, yeah. - But girl, we'll see. 'Cause I've been talking about, you know, I always talk about things though, 'cause like, you know, I'm like, I'm not, I don't have millions of followers, so I'm like, I don't really care about if I lose them or not. Like in terms of like, if I go talk about like the things that people are too afraid to talk about. Yes. Like, whatever. Yes. And so, well, the authenticity is why you're getting your followers. Thank you so much for sitting down for me today. I'm, this was amazing. And I was really excited for this one. So thank you very much. Um, yep, you know where to find Dean and me. I'm at Gabriellarebranded on Instagram, TikTok, Gabriellarebranded.com, blah, blah, blah, Like great review all the things. Yeah, this has been great win most lose some that's my little saying what I think some win most lose some okay It's because I used to say when some lose most but reframe win most lose some Or just keep winning Or just only win yeah, or my other girl delude yourself into thinking okay everything you lose about you're winning, right? Yeah, so you're just always winning Always wedding. Okay. Thank you so much. This has been great. And that's it. Bye