17 l The Healing is Patience Episode

Me? Patient? Babe, I want things done yesterday. I ride on impulsivity. Based on my birth chart - it's a birth right...but one that needs some mastering. Healing has required me to be patient or try to learn to be patient, but I almost want it to be done? I'm like 'Ok, I've been patient long enough, let's get going!!!' Unfortunately - that's not how healing works.

Healing is not linear. Just because some things are good now, doesn't mean they'll be good forever..or maybe they will be, but then some other shit's gonna come up. While healing does go up over time, life will keep lifeing. 

Personally, with a TBI, every day is a surprise of new side effects. Yes, even all these years later. Because, say it with me, brain *clap* injury *clap* recovery *clap* is *clap* life *clap* long *clap.* 

Oh - and do you think PTSD goes away quickly? No, no, no - it just often changes the way it presents, leading you to think you've handled it all, but you haven't entirely. 

With the debut of this podcast, the completion of my surgeries, and lots of other life changes, I am finally in a place of being able to address a lot of what I've been forced to push down in order to survive and keep myself moving. And most of it -well, actually all of it, if we're being honest - I didn't even realize I was pushing down.

That's why we have experts like neuropsychologists, psychologists, therapists, and life coaches who all us out!!!

Both mentally & physically, flare ups of conditions can occur. New hurdles will appear. Sometimes, when you're confident you've figured something out, you realize there's a whole other piece you gots to handle - or what you thought you had handled says 'bitch, I'm back.' 

Patience is the softest form of love. If you love yourself, you owe it to be patient with yourself. If you love others, you owe it to them to be patient with them.

We all need more patience. We are all deserving of patience. 

Win most, lose some 

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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 1:19 Patience with my own healing
• 7:42 Patience is the softest form of love
• 11:43 My ongoing mental battles
• 17:20 Invisibility of mental health
• 22:06 Trauma work I'm still doing
• 29:12 Reality of my experience
• 36:50 Fully accepting my injury
• 41:31 Conclusion

Transcript

I need to stop running and I wanted to keep on running and I was just looking for the next thing to run to trying to keep on running. But my neuropsychologist was like, "Yo, if you don't stop, if you don't slow down, if you don't confront all the trauma that you've been trying to push so deep down here, eventually you're going to burn out. You're going to be in your 30s and you're going to fucking lose your shit because you never took the time to actually work through this trauma. So, I'm currently doing that.

Almost dying taught me how to live. Being struck by a car left me in a three -and -a -half -week coma with 15 broken bones and 16 surgeries to complete, including brain surgery. However, I woke up from that coma in an even greater place than I ever saw myself, how? The universe will guide you out of the darkness and into the light if you allow it. Often, spirituality comes off as too high -brow. I'm not about that. Welcome to the podcast that talks and teaches about it through the lens of humor. Together, we'll harness positive energy and use it to work with the universe, all while giggling the entire time. Welcome to Gabriella rebranded, win most lose some. 

This episode, I don't want to say it's a heavy episode because nothing I talk about can ever be heavy for more than 90 seconds, but it is definitely, it's going back to like the style of trauma porn considering my last two solos have been about a boob job and meeting Taylor Swift and funeral plans. Last two, last three, I can't count. But yes, so this episode is about patients with oneself and others, and it's about how healing is not linear. Both physical and mental healing and often healing takes a lot longer than we think. Too long for my personal liking, but that is just the way healing kind of works. When it comes to the brain, the brain can never quite fully be healed and never quite fully gets there. And in terms of the physical, the brain never quite gets there. It's never fully healed. But in terms of the mental, one, the mental and physical are connected when you're talking about your brain, obviously. And then two, trauma often takes years to develop so naturally trauma and certain conditions mental illness it's going to take just as long if not longer to undevelop if it can ever really be undone which it can for the most part it's mostly that when it comes to trauma when it comes to mental illness it's that coping skills are learned, more than that the healing is ever complete. But these coping skills that we learn, they take a long fucking time to learn. I mean, I know I was a year and a half until I got put on the right meds, over a year and a half until I got put on the right dosage of those meds. And that's just my personal experience with my brain injury. When it comes to different kinds of mental illness that is obviously so much longer and that's just meds. That doesn't have to do anything with learning. You can obviously learn coping skills to mitigate symptoms that don't rely on meds. It's just coping skills that you execute, like me identifying some of my triggers and knowing that I cannot be around those triggers because I will lose my shit, like places that make me too claustrophobic, but that is not something but practicing things like meditation, learning things like that, it's not something that happens overnight. That takes a really fucking long time, believe me, I would know. To the outside, it probably doesn't look like I'm better at managing or controlling my ailments at all, because you're obviously only taking note of the times that I fail and the times that my overwhelm and my panic does get the best of me and there's tears, there's screaming, there's crying, there's running away. But the reality is, is that I am battling feelings of overwhelm and overstimulation and wanting to and wanting to panic like multiple times a week. The overstimulation I kind of think is Um, I've just gotten better that nine and a half times out of 10, I'm pretty good at controlling it. Maybe nine out of 10 if we're being honest or looking at the places I'm lapsing. More as it pertains to the physical. A lot of times physical side effects from injuries, they don't show themselves until years later. I know someone that sustained a TBI that over 10 years later developed an awful hand tremor. My neuropsychologist was telling me about another client she has who healed really well and recovered really well from her TBI. But then 10 years later developed a seizure disorder and then brains aside, things like cancer, we all know people who go into remission and then the cancer unfortunately comes back And it's usually more aggressive when it comes back. I myself, I still see Dr. Seth Herman. He's my physiatrist at Cal Rehab right here in LA where I was posted up for a little bit back in the day. Now I'm an alumni. So I still go back there for campus visits to see Dr. Seth Herman

you know healing is slow it's not linear it takes a really long time and things flare up and just a few weeks ago I went to him and it's started to come up that when I press my incision or near my incision like when I'm putting makeup on or putting my scar cover up on or even just showering like pain and numbness runs down the side of my face so that's something that just started happening for me. And my injury was, you know, over three and a half years ago, and that's something that's just flared up. And that's why I'm still seeing Dr. Herman for check -ins. There are certain side effects from an injury that can be constant, like from my injury, there are certain ab exercises that I can't do when I work out. And that's always been a thing that will always be a thing. I will probably, as I get older, develop a lot of lower back pain. I haven't gotten there yet, but it's going to come at some point. But then also side effects from an injury cannot be something that's there constantly, but occasionally shows up. For example, if you remember the episode with Dr. Jackson Bates, my chiropractor episode six from my metal ribs and the metal rod in my leg, I have to be very conscious when I'm working out because I can have

issues with my right hip that kind of gets messed up and then I have to do special stretches constantly and I have to be careful for it and it starts bothering me but I didn't first notice that I didn't first have a problem with that until May 2024 and I got the metal ribs and the metal rod in October 2021. Believe me they didn't delay those those had to go and as soon as possible. Actually, the metal ribs were delayed a bit because of my pneumonia. They couldn't put the metal ribs in until my pneumonia subsided, but you get the point. It was within the first couple weeks of me getting hurt, but they didn't present issues with my body until May 2024. 

All my friends and family have heard this because I resonated so deeply with it. I even said it at my podcast launch when I gave a little speech. I read this quote, patience is the softest form of love. And that quote really hit me. It had me thinking about all the people that stood in my corner and been with me throughout all this. It had me thinking of the people that couldn't be patient with me and I lost through this entire experience. But I only thought about them for like a brief second because they've already taken too much of my energy and we're not giving them any more of my mental energy. Mainly I was thinking about the outpouring of love that I'm shown on a daily basis and the people who have stood by me and offered me grace and listening and not understanding because they can't offer me understanding because they're not living it but just listening and holding space for me and embracing everything, every mess up that I have every episode that's not great, especially in the beginning when it was like extremely frequent things like panic attacks and emotional outbursts. And just that I was operating more slower, I was operating more slowly than the average person. It had me thinking about my friends who let me come to fucking Coachella with them six months after my injury so I could see Harry styles, baller of me. But yes, six months out of my injury, five months out of the coma, and four months out of the hospital, I went to fucking Coachella to see Harry Styles. Insane, I know. [LAUGH] But it was, that was, seeing Harry was the first time I smiled, like really smiled since I had gotten hurt. And I barely remember it, because My brain was not in tip -top condition, but my heart needed it and my brain had kind of been the focus for the last six months, so we were letting the soul ride. And I don't remember it super well, but I know I was there and I know it made me so happy and I think about the friends who let me come with them and basically had to babysit me. Like that was a lot for them to take on and I didn't ruin their Coachella experience. They still had a great Coachella, but it was definitely a piece of it that they now had to move a little slower and be a little more conscientious of and they couldn't just be free in the desert, maybe doing some things with paraphernalia. No, now they had to watch a person to clarify. My mom stayed in an Airbnb in Palm Springs, So my mom was right there and I was staying at my friend's family's house in Palm Springs So I wasn't like in you know in a hotel and also my friend's older sister was there So she was essentially like my chaperone even though now looking back on it Oh, and I had a disability wrist band But even now looking back at it. My friend's older sister was 27. I turned 24 the day before Coachella I'm 27 now and looking back on it I'm like holy shit I would never want to sign up for that job. I would never want to sign up for that job and I remember at the time thinking 27 she was like a real fully formed big grown up adult and now I'm like my mommy still books my flights for me. Like it's my money but my mom's pressing the buttons on her laptop like 27 is, no, I have no idea how this woman did that. She's an amazing woman. Anyway, the Coachella venture, I wanna say, it was not a good idea, I don't recommend, I think I'm supposed to say it's a bad idea. It was a great idea, but I think I'm supposed to say that it was a bad idea, don't do that, don't do that, kids with DVIs. Wasn't good, wasn't good for the brain, but it was so So whatever, whatever, don't do it. You shouldn't be, you shouldn't do that. Don't follow my footsteps. 

Anyway, moving on, it's been over three and a half years of this thing and it's going to be infinitely more well as long as my life is, that is. And I am confident of a few people that I have in my corner that have just stood by me throughout all of this and have been so patient with me and been so much shit and I would be, I think I've made it clear in these podcast episodes, but to reiterate, if I haven't, I would be completely lying to you if I said that I was all healed and completely fine. That's just not the reality of the situation. That's not how I can move through the world. So like there are still things that happen and there are still times that flare up and I'm not good. In just this past winter my PTSD was rearing its head because I was going through some shit and like that is just the reality of like sometimes these things will happen to me and I'm going to get better I'm going to heal more and I'm going to get better at controlling them and learning more skills but sometimes it is going to flare up sometimes I will fail I don't like to admit defeat but sometimes I I will or not fail because none of us ever fail at anything. But sometimes I will have slip -ups. And as I said in my episode with Hannah, episode 10, a slip -up is just that. It's a slip. It's not a failure. It's a slip. But sometimes I still will have those slip -ups. I went with my family to Cabo the month prior to me recording this. And I am someone who I don't like to fly before 11 a .m. anymore just because my brain is like a little slower to move in the morning and like I need to get my bearings and get a little settled more. And even though it was a short flight, it was international travel by myself for the first time since I had gotten hurt. I think actually the last time I traveled internationally by myself was when I was abroad in 2019. But yes, it was the first time internationally traveling by myself. And I call back to what I just said a little bit ago. My mom booked this flight for me and she booked a flight that left at 9 AM. And I like flights that don't leave until 11, but she booked this flight for 9. I was very overwhelmed. Sure enough, the lift had to turn back not once, but twice because I left things at home that I needed, including my passport. That is just the reality of where we're at because I was tired. And again, new environment, doing new things, like leaving for an international trip that early. That's something that I haven't really, and by myself, I haven't left for an international trip by myself that early in the morning period since I've gotten her. I've only traveled internationally one time and I was with my uncle and our flight left in the evening. So that was just like something that like really rattled me. And it was, it's new environments that sort of can bring to light all the deficiencies that I have. Then once I landed in Cabo, I was going through the airport with like, you know, my big suitcase and also my carry -on. And I'm never a girl I've never been a girl who desperately wants a boyfriend. I've never been a girl who's like that I say people will come into her life when they come I've always been patient with that I'm like relationships happen at a good time the only time I Desperately wish I had a boyfriend is when I'm at the fucking airport and I have my big suitcase Which I always have my big suitcase because I'm an overpacker But also my hair products The you know the liquid is too much. So I always have my big suitcase it I always need to bring one I always need to bring a check bag for my hair products and I that is the only time I'm like I wish I had a fucking boyfriend. I it's it's when I have to lift something heavy like If it's not a barbell a dumbbell a kettlebell all the bells in a gym type setting I don't want to lift heavy things. So landing in the airport with this big thing, by myself, I was so overwhelmed, I lost the little piece of paper they give you on the plane to get through customs, so I had to get a new one. The airport personnel were like incredibly rude to me. The only time that I finally got someone to help me was when they saw that I was near tears, and I was fully freaking a fuck. So again, just new environment, new thing with this thing, it's bringing to light all the deficits, that is the reality of what my life is now. Like, while most times I can handle myself, I have my shit together, I'm good, most days, there will be instances like that where I'm in an abnormal environment, and everything I have going wrong is kind of showed, and healing, it does go up over time. But The best way I can describe healing is the stock market. If we were to plot healing on a graph, like it does go up over time, but it's up here and then it's really quickly down here and then it's slowly up here and up here and up here. Then it's a little down here, but then it's down here, but then it's back up here. And it's good, it's ebb and flow and then Donald Trump comes in and it's down here but then he puts the tariffs on pause and it's back the fuck up here like that's what healing is it's so chaotic and it doesn't really make sense and it's just you never know what it's going to be like on the day of and overall it is going up but the going up is not smooth it is a rocky going up. Also while I was in Cabo my family did a boat trip not once but twice on two separate days. And on the first time we did a trip it was fine and it was great. I even sat at the front where it was more rocky to go on a natural roller coaster because I can't go on fake ones. And it was awesome. We had an excellent time. And then the second time we did a boat trip I hadn't slept well the night before and I was really tired. And sure enough when we got on the boat my motion sickness was at a 10 out of 10. I'm talking like I was crying, sobbing. My head was so bothering me. I just wanted to get off the boat. And that's what it is. Like of these physical things, you all have flare -ups. Like we all know people or maybe we don't know people, but we know of autoimmune diseases like lupus, like arthritis, where like it flares up at times and it's good at other times, but then other times it's rearing its fucking head and mental healing it's really not different I mean you can have major depressive disorder and be fine for a period of time but then you just fall into a place or maybe something happens where it's it's you're going through a place that's really rough I mean look at seasonal depression like that is just a classic case and people can have more severe cases of it of course And that is just a classic case of people that are so fine for part of the year and then for part of the year, they're really down bad. Like mental health is the exact same as physical. And people don't really see that and people don't want to admit it. And I think it's because you can't visually see it. Like when someone has mouth herpes or genital herpes and they're having a flare up, like you can see that. You can see that visual it is there. But when I'm having a panic attack, you don't see my neurons firing and freaking a fuck. You just see a girl losing her shit, screaming, or crying, or running away, or all three. That's all you see. And you just see a crazy chaotic bitch. You aren't seeing what's going on in here. You're not seeing how complicated and complex it is. And people can have silent panic attacks like when we think about a panic attacks we think of someone hyperventilating that's not always the case people can have silent panic attacks where they look totally fine but on the inside their heart is racing they feel dizzy they have an overwhelming sense of fear like that's just the reality of mental health and the brain and how complicated it is and things like when my fight or flight is triggered personally and it's it's hard to offer mental health that grace but we need to and people will have weeks months even years where they're okay there's no flare -up of their disease whether it be arthritis lupus or HPV or something like major depressive disorder they'll disorder. They'll have a while where it's like that. And then something happens and it comes back. I mean, we all, unfortunately, either personally know or know someone who knows someone who had cancer, went into remission. It's been so long that you almost even forgot that that person had cancer because they're doing so great. And then it comes back. And usually when it comes back, it's more aggressive. a friend of mine was going through some stuff a while ago and just some tough shit. And she said to me one day, like, because we were all there for her, all her friends, we were all supporting her. And she said to me one day, she was like, it's really great that everyone's here for me now and everyone's showing me so much support and love now. But what about in a few weeks? what about in a couple months when everyone's gone back to their lives but I'm still dealing with this shit. And she said that to me because she knows that I definitely know that more than most. I know the outpouring of love I received from a myriad of people when I left the hospital and I know the quiet loneliness that was my life. When I was still having surgeries, I was still having procedures, I'm still having procedures, I couldn't work, I couldn't socialize multiple days in a row, I couldn't live by myself, but everyone else's life was still going, that's the reality the earth keeps turning, and they were going back to their lives. And that is why patience is the softest form of love. We have to remember to be cognizant of that. 

I used to have, when things were first really bad, my flight or flight would be triggered all the time, every few days, multiple times a day even, then it became weeks, then it became months, then some shit happened in my life, and I went back to it being every few days. And it felt like it really did feel like I'd regressed in my healing like I had failed. That's really how it felt. But it wasn't a fail. It was a slip -up. And it's just that healing is not linear. And sure enough, I'm in a place now where we're back to it being every few months. My current goal for my neuropsychologist is to go a whole year without having any sign of any kind of emotional outburst in front of my friends. Sorry mom and dad you might occasionally get one by a whole year and that was a goal that we set we set that in March and we set that in March and now we are at or maybe it was in February and whatever We set it in March or February. No, it was March. We set that goal in March and now we are in June. So we have just started the goal. But so far so good, but we'll see. And how I've said that it feels like I failed at times. Part of the reason why the quote, "Patience is the softest form of love," like really resonated with me is because I need to be more patient with myself. I'm a naturally really impatient person I mean if you guys listen to the trauma porn episode episode - you could see how badly I was trying to force myself to fit back into my life and All the benefits that came to my life when I just Started flowing with the universe and accepting this new kind of life and I just slowed down and I let things be I I Let myself just be. I wasn't trying to force anything and I let things come to me and I just let things come to me. But me slowing down and me learning that patience wasn't forever. It was for a little bit. And then, you know, this past year my surgeries ended I moved, I started this podcast, I launched my brand. I was gonna go live in Italy for a few months. Like it was just me just finding the next thing to do and trying to stack on everything so quickly. And my parents were finally like, they had to intervene and be like, bitch, stop. What are you doing? Stop running. You are going back to the person that you used to be, which isn't good. We've just

reframed it, but it's doing the exact same thing. You're just trying to add on all this stuff and just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and it's so chaotic. So they forced me to go see a new neuropsychologist, which now, thank God, but they forced me to go see a neuropsychologist. And she said to me that I had to spend so, so many years running. I had to spend two and a half years running, running through all the seizures, running through all the surgeries, running through all the procedures, running through all the therapies, just running and running and running. And I never really let, it's a brain injury thing, that you never really confront how bad things are while you're in them. Part of it is your brain and your healing, but part of it is also just you're, it's a form of self -preservation. So I had to be running for a while. That was the only way it could be. It was my baseline. But now I need to stop running and I wanted to keep on running and I was just looking for the next thing to run to trying to keep on running. But my neuropsychologist was like, yo, if you don't stop, if you don't slow down. If you don't confront all the trauma that you've been trying to push so deep down here, eventually you're going to burn out. You're going to be in your 30s and you're going to fucking lose your shit because you never took the time to actually work through this trauma. So I'm currently doing that and I'm currently working with this neuropsychologist and simultaneously while I've been releasing this season, I've also been doing a lot of my own trauma work, which isn't fun all the time. In fact, it rarely is. I cry most sessions, but it's it's it's necessary. I don't want to be stunted at the age when I was when this happened. I don't want to be 23 forever. I want to grow. I want to heal. So I'm willing to

do the work and I wouldn't have done the work if my parents caught me and checked me and forced me to check myself and stand up business and forced me to go see this neuropsychologist, but I'm really glad they did and even though it's really not fun, I'm happy that I'm finally doing it because I would have to do it at some point, so let's get it over with and do it now. Sure enough, when I was talking to a close friend of mine, I was telling telling her what this neuropsychologist said and how I'd been doing the running and that was just my natural state that was my baseline and I was still trying to do it and now that my surgeries were done and As soon as I told my friend this she goes yeah to be honest I've totally seen that just from the way you talk about things So apparently that's apparent and she was like just from the way you talk about things you change subjects So quickly and from the way you text and like listen a brain injury is is equivalent to having ADHD so that's definitely part of it too but she was like you never let your energy just settle you're just like boom boom boom going to the next thing going to the next topic just going just going just going this was necessary for me for a while like me just running just moving that was necessary for me for a while it was a self preservation thing. It was my brain's way of protecting itself. If I had actually confronted how bad things they are while they were with them, I think I would be a shell of a human. I think I would have fully shut down. I don't think I would have gotten through it. So my brain definitely protected me by not letting me confront how bad things are and really dive into them until I'm in the place that I'm in now. But now I am in this place. My life is really stable. It's really settled. It's going really well. And I do have the ability to do the work to rest and really finally confront all this bullshit. And it was over two and a half years of surgeries. I'm still not done with procedures. So like no fucking shit. I haven't healed all the trauma yet and that like I'm I'm gonna have to work through this a little bit more. So I'm happy that I've finally gotten started. 

And I'm looking through my ER reports and my neuropsych reports for the first time and like, oh my God, it was a lot worse than I thought. And I thought I already knew how bad it was. Like I'm seeing that like my right hip was really fucked up which I suppose makes sense with the issues that I've been having with my hip but no one ever told me that or maybe they did tell me that but my short -term memory was really terrible at first and also again the brain does the self -preservation thing of not letting you remember everything but like my right hip was really fucked up - I'm seeing the visuals like it's detailed the visuals of like what I looked like when I was first brought into the ER and that is that that is something I thought I fully knew how bad it was I had seen I've seen pictures of me you guys might have seen them if you watched Trauma porn like the day after I got hurt in the hospital bed so I thought I pretty much seen everything but like absolutely not like when I was first brought into the ER I'll save you guys the gory gory gory details but like it's worse than I, way worse than I thought it was and that is definitely something that I have to work and to process and accept. It's not something I want to ignore, it's something that I definitely want to understand and come to terms with, but the fact that I just, that that was my state for a period of time, like one it's amazing that I'm here but I already knew that, but it's just, Yeah, like going back to your deep dark places is hard for anyone, but it's on steroids

when that places pitch black, dark and earth's inner core deep. Yeah, it's a lot to take on and a lot to handle. And I'm going through my neuropsych tests, which for a series of complicated reasons, both me and my parents weren't allowed to see my neuropsych test the results for a bit, but well not for a bit until now basically. We weren't allowed to see them, but in May 2023, so almost a year since I'd moved back to LA, like 10 months since I'd moved back to LA, and over a year and a half since my accident, I was scoring at the, I know I thought I was basically healed when I took this test, like I know I thought I was pretty much healed. I was scoring 18 % of mental capability functioning and intelligence of people my age globally, 18%. That is only a few percentage points above like needing semi -consistent care and like, you know, like having needing to go to therapy might consistently, that is only slightly above that. And here I was, like the fucking egotistical, like uneducated about the sciences girl I am, thinking I was almost healed. And also that's in May 23. That is 10 months after I moved back to LA. So what intelligence level was I rocking when I moved back to LA to live by myself like what intelligence level was I rocking when I was like I'm ready to live by myself and drive like like how low was like was I at the percentage where I needed care like probably um and also to be clear I want to make it clear that like my parents first of all were not in support of me moving back to LA, but I was a 24 -year -old woman. And also they were not privy to these results. So they did not know that I was that bad. But my parents are great. They're so on top of everything. They're so there for me. My mom helps me with so much from across the country when I first moved back to LA. They're excellent. They were unaware of this just like I was. My visual and Spatial awareness and object permanence was at the exceedingly low score of 1 % Yes, 1 % That's why I've thrown out my keys in the garbage not once not twice But three times. It's not that I'm careless mom It's that I'm average care and I need to be super super super super care 1 % like I'm I'm always losing my phone and my friends make fun of me for it. They sometimes get a little annoyed. But now I can be like, this is why. This is why that happens. And now I can do a job to make sure I am really on top of where things are because I fucking need to be. It also said that I was more fatigued than 99 % of people my age, that one I believe. That one I absolutely believe. And it's funny because a lot of people say that I have I seem like I have so much energy and like y 'all that is just the Sagittarius rising in me that's all that that is I am tired all the time I don't remember what it's like to have energy it's just a matter of how tired I am and like there's the proof there the numbers there's the data there's the facts at least at this time I was moretired than 99 % of people my age. Yes, I was basically narcoleptic, not really, but you know what I mean. I'm actually taking another neuropsych test next week for like shits and giggles because Dr. Herman and my neuropsychologist after going through all this are just like curious to see what I would score now. So wish me luck. I'm hoping to, before I was her, they can estimate where my intelligence was like based on my grades and schooling and things like that. And before I was her, I was in the at 88 % domestically, which my neuropsychologist was like, isn't that so great? And I was like, it's just 88. It's just 88. I was like, did you know I graduated high school of 12 APs, she was like, yes, I can see that here. I'm like, okay, did you know I graduated from USC Magna Cum Laude? And she was like, it's, it's little fine things you don't have a master's degree. And I'm like, okay, okay, I was only 88 % but yes, I was 88 % before I got hurt. So now I'm hoping to be, I don't want to say it because then what if I'm not there it all, and it's just what does, but definitely above 18%. And I could say with confidence that I'll be above 18%. But yeah, one of the other things that I really saw charted was how bad my PTSD and depression was at certain moments. And I remember I always said that I thought it was crazy that I didn't have like really bad, like basically non functional amounts of PTSD. And I'm reading these tests, and it's like, no, you absolutely did. You absolutely did. We were really worried about you. Your PTSD was off the rails, as was your depression. Like, it's written down, it's charted, and I was like, oh, okay. Like, it was valid that people were really worried for me. And again, another thing where I'm like, I wish they let me see these tests. I wish I wish they let my parents see these tests like just absolutely insane.

So understanding and seeing all that more trauma and PTSD has obviously began to come to the surface because that's kind of how it works. So it's Definitely been work, but not bad work,

but good work, but work that I've been going through the last few months while this has been releasing. And I'm really happy that I'm finally doing the work and I encourage everyone to finally do the work. But this is to say that healing is not linear. Look at where I am. Like you would think that I'm so, so much mentally progressed and yes I am over time I have been but right now we're doing a little bit of unraveling and unveiling and going back to the worst places so right now we're a little back safely safely don't worry I'm fine but we're we're doing the work we're going back I definitely have some heavy shit on my mind that I feel like I need to make a few people in my life aware of that like hey like I'm currently working through this and yeah it is triggering me and my trauma a little bit so just like be wary be cautious like dance around me and it's helping me be more aware of my injury and also I'm working to stand up for my injury more and be more patient with myself which I haven't really been in the past. I've kind of like almost not stood up for my injury and like kind of let people walk all over it And I didn't have respect for it, which I'm now realizing I didn't have respect for my injury. That's what doing all this work has shown me. I thought I did, but I didn't, not completely. And I am slowly reclaiming that in a good way. I mean, just a few weeks ago, I was sitting at a lounge chair at the pool and my friend, and I was in a seat right next to the speaker and my friend was next to and I knew it was going to trigger my hearing sensitivity and tinnitus, so I asked her to switch spots with me, like I asked if I could switch her lounge chair. And that sounds so small, that sounds like such a nothing thing, but I would not have done that six months ago, I would not have done that. I would have said, tough through it, don't be a bitch, like it's just, it's not, you're just, it's a pool day, there's music, whatever, have fun, don't make everything about you don't draw attention to herself. I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have stood up for myself. I wouldn't have stood up for my injury. And my brain would have been in a lot of pain and my head would have really bothered me. And when I got home, I probably would have needed to close my eyes and lie down at like 6 p .m. But now I'm starting to stand up for that. And I made her aware. And yes, of course, she was happy to switch chairs with me. She didn't even think about it twice. And she's one of the people that has been so understanding and showed me such grace as I go through all of this and she knows me and she knows what I'm going through but in addition to that she's just a good fucking person and like oh and I was like hey the speaker's bothering my ears in my head she was like oh yeah you can switch with me for sure like so it's sometimes just being brave enough to claim those things about yourself and I'm happy that I'm finally doing that and I know that's not just exclusive to me. I mean, I know the hearing sensitivity part is, but I know that we all need to be more patient with ourselves and I know that we all need to do a better job of sometimes standing up with the things that we like to hide and the things that we like to pretend aren't there. I was so desperate to seem like a normal, healthy 27 -year -old at times that, well, no, I've been doing the podcast since I turned 27, but I've been so desperate to seem like a normal, healthy 26, 25 -year -old times that I've kind of like neglected certain parts of

this. But the reality is that we all need to take stock of where we are. We need to be patient with ourselves, and we need to be patient with others. And more so than that, we are not more so, but we need to be patient with ourselves. We need to be patient for others, and we really need to value and appreciate the people who are patient with us because the people who are patient with us, that is love. They are showing us love. Just hearing this quote made me really realize how many of my friends really are consistent in how much love they show me and how much like, wow, I should never doubt for a second that they love me because they are constantly showing me all this patience. If you love yourself, be patient with yourself. If you love others, be patient with others. If you love humanity, be patient with humanity. And remember that healing is not linear. And if you're working to love yourself more, you can start by being more patient with yourself. Yes, we all need patience.

And with that conclusion, I have a little announcement to make. So this episode is going to serve as the conclusion of Gabriella rebranded season one I'll be back sooner rather than later don't shall worry I don't want to say what date I will be back because there's a few logistical things that need to be figured out but yo it's it's really good like I Gabriella rebranded is getting a little upgraded When I come back, I will be in my very own studio, which is really exciting, designed by me, purely made for this podcast. I've been so, so, so thankful for the reaction with this podcast and the public perception that I'm like, yeah, let me invest my everything into this. Let's blow the fuck up. So I'm really so excited. And while I figure out these logistical things, that is patience. This is patience because I could have rushed. I have so many ideas for future episodes and for guests. And originally, I was going to put them in season one. Then this opportunity came up for me to really hone Gabriella rebranded and hone this podcast and my studio and my work. And I was like, I could rush and squeeze all these episodes and idea into season one, or I could end season one earlier than expected and have them going to season two even more captivatingly, even more accurate to my brand, either more aligned, and have them be even better. So showing this podcast love because I do love this podcast, I've chosen to be patient. And while we're figuring out everything that logistically needs to be figured out, and creating the studio, designing the So we are moving these episodes that I had ideas for into the second season and it's going to be a really great second season because I already know some of the episodes. So I'm really so excited. This makes it so much better. I absolutely cannot wait. This season was a great launch pad for Gabriella rebranded and next season we are taking the fuck off. We're going into the stratosphere. We are going into the stratosphere. So, If you have any questions, any ideas, anything you'd like to hear more of, anything you'd like to hear less of, you can email them to support @geberielareebranded .com. I will still be active on Instagram and TikTok @geberielareebranded so you can peep me there. One of my friends said that I'm talking too slow in this podcast. I talk really fast in real life. Maybe it's because I sometimes have a script. I don't know. But one of my friends said I'm talking to slow so if you guys agree with that hit me, hit me up I guess maybe it's the theater training that I'm slowing down my speech I don't know but anyway that is it. I don't want to say goodbye because I will be coming back very very soon so instead of that I'm going to say please hold, please hold and we will come back with a season two and thank you for all the support, thank you for all the love, thank you for listening, Thank you for learning. Thank you for teaching me. This has been absolutely amazing. I'm really sad that we have to go on pause, but it's going, it's going to be worth it. It's going to be so much\ better. So yes, this is me signing off until season two. This has been season one of Gabriella rebranded when most lose some. Bye.

(upbeat music)