Ep 23 | Pleasure Science: Reclaiming Sex After Trauma with Nadège

Whether it’s sexual trauma, like assault, abuse, violation, vaginismus or nonsexual trauma like a brutal accident, sex after trauma can lead to aversion, hypersexuality, and unsafe decisions. Do you need exposure therapy? Is that a bad idea? How do you feel safe in your body again?

In this episode, I hear from Nadège, CEO and creator of Pleasure Science. Nadège is a sex scholar, bestselling author, teacher, and speaker who only discovered her career path because of her own trauma.

When it comes to sex, Nadège knows everything about it. Sex after trauma is terrifying because...why wouldn’t it be? No doctors or rehabilitation therapists or  most general therapists ever teach us anything about it - it's just one big question mark. Luckily, we have people like Nadège to guide us.

Really - all of life is traumatizing. This episode isn’t just for the big bad trauma survivors like myself; it also contains ample  necessary information about sex that all of us need to have healthier, safer, more ~vibrant~ sex lives.

(Vibrant seemed like a mom safe adjective)

Win most, lose some.

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Nadège's Website: https://www.pleasurescience.com/

Pleasure Science Podcast: https://www.pleasurescience.com/podcast-1

@pleasurescience on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/pleasurescience/?hl=en

Pleasure Science's Healing Trauma & Self Sabotage: https://www.pleasurescience.com/trauma-self-sabotage

Sextrology by Nadège: https://www.amazon.com/Sextrology-Astrology-Subconscious-Erogenous-Compatibility/dp/B0BRLVMYNT

Healing Sex by Staci Hanes: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/healing-sex-staci-haines/1102330875

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 1:11 Introducing Nadège and Pleasure Science
• 2:55 Nadège's Trauma Turned Sex Scholar
• 10:14 People Don't Talk About Sex
• 14:05 Silence + Trauma
• 18:37 Common Issues Between Couples
• 21:07 Sex, Love, & Commitment
• 26:22 Sex & Money
• 28:54 Communication: Sex & Trauma
• 35:00 Post-Trauma: Aversion VS Hyper-Sexuality
• 42:52 Surrender: Life is Traumatizing
• 53:32 Growing & Grief
• 56:55 Sex Gym?
• 59:25 Advice for Survivors Re: Sex
• 1:06:24 You Have Everything You Need
• 1:09:30 Nadège's Recs

Transcript

If you haven't experienced sexual trauma—only bodily trauma—it can be productive for you to do, quote unquote, “exposure therapy,” like you did: the whole, “You know what? I’m just going to go get fucked. I’m going to rip the Band-Aid off.” That is not necessarily a bad way to go about it.

But if you have experienced sexual trauma, that could be a very quick way to re-traumatize yourself.

Almost dying taught me how to live. Being struck by a car left me in a three-and-a-half-week coma with 15 broken bones and 16 surgeries to complete, including brain surgery. However, I woke up from that coma in an even greater place than I ever foresaw for myself. How? The universe will guide you out of the darkness and into the light if you allow it.

Often spirituality comes off as too high-brow. I’m not about that.

Absolutely not allowed to listen to this.

This is Nadège—who was pivotal in helping me start this podcast and telling me what I needed to do. Before we get into the conversation, I want to introduce her properly.

She is a sex scholar, author, teacher, speaker, and the bestselling author of four books, including one on sex and astrology, which I just read and is absolutely incredible. She’s a healthy sex advocate, a trained dominatrix, a podcast host, and producer of her own show, the Pleasure Science podcast.

In this episode, we are going to dive into sex and trauma, but there is way too much to fit into one episode. If you want to know more, study more, or heal more, visit Nadège’s website: pleasurescience.com. She offers a healing/trauma/self-sabotage package, which includes videos, exercises, and—my favorite—meditations. She offers tons more packages as well, addressing things like BDSM, flirting, and simply elevating your sex life and personal pleasure. You can also find her books, her podcast, upcoming events, and even book her for your own event.

I’ll be placing the links to her website and podcast in the show notes.

But for now, on Gabriella Rebranded, we’re doing a little episode on sex and trauma.

GABRIELLA:
Hey! I'm excited. It's always funny to say I’m excited to talk about sex and trauma, but I genuinely am.

What’s so interesting about you is that you had your own trauma with sex—and that’s what made you become a sex scholar, right?

NADÈGE:
Absolutely. I couldn’t orgasm. I kept dating all the wrong people. Honestly, I didn’t even get to the dating stage. I’d meet people and have sex quickly—which I’m a big advocate for, by the way. I think casual sex and having sex right away is in no way a bad thing or something that proves you’re “doing something wrong.” (See, Mom.)

However, it’s the intention behind the sex.

When I was really young, I was violated by someone, and it made me not trust sex—even though I wanted it. My body developed something called vaginismus, where the muscles of the vulva close on their own when the body feels threatened.

It makes sex painful, but it also makes it difficult to even use a tampon.

GABRIELLA:
I’ve heard that—people having that issue even with tampons.

NADÈGE:
Exactly. And while vaginismus can have physical causes, it’s often a mental trauma response—a protective mechanism.

I developed vaginismus as a teenager. I was 18 or 19. I was hungry for love, pleasure, and sex. I was always curious. But I would force myself to do things too soon. I didn’t have the emotional maturity to realize I was giving sex as a transaction, hoping for love in return.

That is not how you go into empowered casual sex.

The second person I slept with violated me, and I internalized that. My body learned:
 Sex isn’t safe. Nadège isn’t good at making choices.

And yet—I still wanted connection. I still wanted intimacy. It was confusing.

That was many years ago. And yes, it’s what made me become a sex scholar.

NADÈGE:
At 18 or 19, I’m exploring sex. It’s not good—both because of the people I chose and the way I went into sex. I thought good sex meant: you kiss, you get horny, something hard slides into something wet, done. I thought I should be ready for penetration almost immediately.

Which is completely unrealistic—for anyone. Throat, butt, vulva—none of it works like that.

That misunderstanding is where the pain and trauma started.

When I got to UC Berkeley, I actually started as an English major. I’ve always loved witches, dragons, vampires—I write stories in my free time. I wanted to be a fantasy writer. But then I found the Gender & Women’s Studies department, feminist studies, and sexology. I took an elective on gender and sex in my first semester, and it was like being hit in the face in a good way.

My soul activated.

I switched majors, healed my life, and started Pleasure Science because people don’t know about sex and they don’t have credible people to go to.

I always say: I just want to heal these hoes.

That was the beginning—over 15 years ago—of healing trauma, choosing wrong people, disconnecting from my body, and trying to feel pleasure again.

GABRIELLA:
So becoming a sex scholar—that whole career—started because you had your own trauma with sex.

NADÈGE:
Oh yeah. Sex and relationships. The sex trauma was vaginismus and not being able to enjoy anything. But I also had love trauma. My mom was sick and died when I was young.

So I had two traumas:

1. Forcing my body into sex before I was ready.
2. Not trusting love, because my mother died young.

I internalized the belief:
 I lost before I even got the chance to play the game.

So any time I’d like someone, I’d become extremely avoidant. I didn’t realize why until later. My subconscious was like: “Why commit? They’re going to die.”

GABRIELLA:
That’s powerful. And it makes sense. You literally learned that loss happens before love can even form.

NADÈGE:
Exactly. And once I healed the sex piece—I could orgasm, communicate, enjoy myself—I realized: my relationships still weren’t working.

I healed the sex trauma but not the emotional trauma.

GABRIELLA:
And to go back to what you said earlier about thinking sex is just: kiss → horny → penetration. Everyone thinks that when they’re young. No one talks to you about sex—especially trauma survivors. Sex is treated like something you’re supposed to figure out yourself.

NADÈGE:
Yes. Sex should be something you figure out uniquely—because everyone’s needs are different—but it shouldn’t be something you figure out alone.

Humans need community. But in sex, we have no community. No one teaches us. No one talks to us.

So we learn wrong, we internalize shame, and we think we’re broken.

Most sex issues come down to one of three core wounds:

• lack of self-worth
• lack of communication
• lack of confidence

Trauma adds a whole other ingredient—but those are the core three.

GABRIELLA:
Your book, Sexstrology—it was so validating. People are so bad at talking about sex. Even people without trauma.

NADÈGE:
Exactly. I wrote that book to give people a tool that feels fun, not clinical. So many sex resources feel medical. That’s not sexy—unless you have a medical kink.

Sex shouldn’t feel like a chore or an assignment.

GABRIELLA:
Speaking of community, and the lack of conversation: when it comes to physical trauma—like what I went through, not sexual trauma—no one talks to you about reentering sex. It’s terrifying.

For almost two years, I was too scared. Then I was like, “Okay, I’m not going two years without doing it,” and I did it. It wasn’t bad—but there were trauma issues. And no one prepares you.

Is that normal?

NADÈGE:
Very normal.

Here’s the problem: none of the people we expect to guide us—doctors, urologists, gynecologists, therapists—have any sex education training. Maybe a single week in ten years of schooling. Usually none.

So they literally cannot help you. Not because they don’t care—because the system set them up to fail.

You go to a gynecologist with vaginismus, and they say:
 “Use lube.”
 And that’s where the help ends.

Again—not their fault. System failure.

Then add that sex is treated as private, shameful, performance-based. If you talk about it, you think you’re admitting failure.

So people stay silent—and that silence multiplies trauma.

The Body Keeps the Score is great, but what it doesn’t emphasize is:
the voice keeps the score too.

Talking is healing. Silence keeps wounds open.

GABRIELLA:
YES. Not talking about it made everything worse for me.

NADÈGE:
Exactly. And this silence shows up even in long-term relationships. Lack of affection, lack of admiration, and unspoken definitions of sex, love, and commitment cause so much conflict.

People treat those words like synonyms. They are not.

For example:

• “We’re having consistent sex” → one partner thinks that means “We’re falling in love.”
• “I love you” → one partner hears “marriage,” the other hears “I accept you.”

Unspoken contracts.

GABRIELLA:
Totally. People don’t realize how differently we each define those words.

NADÈGE:
Exactly. And that’s why communication matters. Especially if you have trauma.

Communicating About Pain or Trauma During Sex

NADÈGE:
If you know that certain positions hurt, or that switching positions quickly makes your head spin—this is information your partner needs ahead of time.

People wait until they’re in the bedroom to disclose pain. Worst timing. The stakes feel too high, so they say nothing.

You need to communicate beforehand.

Here’s the script:

“Hey, I went through some trauma and my body is still healing. Sometimes my body does funny things during sex—like I get lightheaded in X position, or Y position hurts. I’m telling you this so that when we’re in the moment, you won’t take it personally. I want us to have really good sex together, so this will help both of us.”

This gives you permission to speak up in the moment. It gives them permission to check in. And it weeds out bad apples quickly.

If someone dismisses you?
 Great. Next.

GABRIELLA:
I wish I had this script last year. That would’ve saved me so much pain—literally and emotionally.

Sexual Trauma vs. Non-Sexual Trauma

GABRIELLA:
What are the differences between someone healing from sexual trauma versus someone healing from trauma that wasn't sexual?

NADÈGE:
Great question.

If the trauma wasn’t sexual—like your accident—sex is not the threat. It’s intimidating, new, nerve-wracking, but it’s not the trigger.

With sexual trauma, sex itself can be the trigger. Pleasure, intimacy, touch—they can all activate panic.

There are typically two ends of the spectrum for sexual trauma survivors:

1. Aversion – avoiding touch, sex, affection
2. Hypersexuality – seeking sex compulsively, often unsafely

Both are trauma responses.

Hypersexuality often gets mislabeled as “sex addiction”—a term most modern sex experts no longer use. It’s compulsive behavior driven by unprocessed trauma.

Hypersexuality can also be a way of reclaiming control, escaping, or numbing.

GABRIELLA:
Yeah, last summer I had what I called my “fuck-girl summer.” But it was safe. It wasn’t compulsive or harmful. It was reclaiming my body.

NADÈGE:
Exactly. That’s not hypersexuality. That’s reclaiming autonomy.

Trauma can make libido disappear for a while, like with bodily trauma. Then it comes back.

Sex is a roller coaster—and trauma makes the roller coaster bigger.

Trauma, Oppression, and Growth

NADÈGE:
Something important: we cannot talk about trauma healing without naming oppression. Racism, sexism, classism, ableism, capitalism—they impact safety, trust, love, sex, bodies.

But both truths can exist:

• The world is unfair.
• You still have personal power.

Everything in life—good, bad, ugly—gives you something. It grows you.

There’s an African indigenous practice where you say “thank you” during struggle—not to the person who harmed you, but to the universe. It’s a form of surrender that reinforces the belief that life is happening for you, not to you.

Hard pill to swallow, but powerful.

GABRIELLA:
Yes! I always say everyone comes into your life to give you something. Even the shitty people. Even the guy who taught me about wrinkle spray.

Healthy vs Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms After Trauma

GABRIELLA:
What are healthy vs unhealthy coping mechanisms when returning to sex after trauma?

NADÈGE:
First: don’t judge yourself.

Healing involves mistakes. You only discover boundaries after they’re crossed.

Instead of labeling behaviors as “healthy” or “unhealthy,” observe them. Learn from them.

But here are helpful practices:

1. Move your body daily.
Dance, walk, stretch—movement helps trauma leave the body.

2. Morning journaling (“Morning Pages”).
Write 2–3 pages every morning. Don’t reread it. This clears emotional clutter.

3. Lean on loving, non-judgmental friends.
Make a literal list.

4. Work with a trained sex therapist or sex coach.
If they don’t have sex in their title, they likely were not trained in sexual trauma.

Therapists help you process.
 Coaches help you take action.
 Most trauma survivors eventually need both.

5. Give yourself grace.
You will miss days. You will fall apart. You will get back up.

Healing is messy.

Books + Resources

NADÈGE:
My favorite external resource is the book:
Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma
by Staci Haines.

It’s phenomenal—trauma-informed, practical, with exercises, prompts, and questions to ask potential therapists/coaches.

And of course, on my site, pleasurescience.com, the Healing Trauma & Self-Sabotage guided program gives meditations, explanations, and structured healing support.

I also have free guides, including Rapid Trauma Healing, that you can put in the show notes.

GABRIELLA:
Amazing. I would never have considered buying a sex resource before meeting you. Now I’m like, “Yes, give me all the resources.”

Closing

NADÈGE:
You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube at PleasureScience, and at pleasurescience.com for all offerings and events. My podcast, Pleasure Science, is on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple.

And the only reason this podcast exists is because I told Gabriella to do it. Now look at her—she’s here.

GABRIELLA:
This was amazing. Thank you for sitting down with me. I’m sure we’ll do a second episode—we left a teaser in there.

As usual, follow me on Instagram and TikTok at GabriellaRebranded. Sign up for my newsletter at gabriellarebranded.com. Like, subscribe, review—do all the things.

You guys are the best, as always.
 This has been Gabriella Rebranded.
Win most, lose some.

Thank you, Nadège.