EP 10: Are You Holding Yourself Back? How to Stop Creating Your Own Struggles

Ever feel like life is just… way harder than it needs to be? What if I told you that you might be the one making it that way? Yep. In this episode of Coffee with Carly, we’re talking about the sneaky ways we create our own suffering—burnout, people-pleasing, overworking, staying stuck in cycles that don’t even make us happy (but hey, at least we’re consistent, right?).

It all clicked for me during a late-night walk with friends… and an Australian Shepherd who was pulling so hard on his leash that he was literally choking himself. And I couldn’t help but wonder—how often do we do the exact same thing?

• The uncomfortable truth about why we stay stuck in stress and struggle
• How to recognize when you are the reason life feels so damn hard
• The small but powerful shifts to loosen the leash and actually enjoy life again

If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed or like you’re constantly forcing things—this is your sign to drop the struggle and take a deep breath.

Connect with Carly HERE

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Transcript

0:00:00 Carly: Foreign. Welcome to Coffee with Carly, your weekly wake up call to a happier, healthier life. I’m your host, Carly Shade, and I’m here to uncover how good life can get. Good morning. Good morning. Welcome back. I am, I’m just like, I’m in a really good mood. I had such a great weekend. Got to kind of have a long weekend. Took Monday off and just decided to unplug for a bit, visiting some friends at their cabin.

0:00:38 Carly: So it’s this cute little mountain community down in Mount Rainier in Washington. And I’m okay, bit of a side rant here. We talk a lot about healthy habits here on this show. And last week’s episode was with Dr. Courtney Spiteri, all about nervous system regulation. Well, you want to know the absolute best thing for my mental health and my nervous system? Spending time in nature. God, there’s just this instant feeling of relief when I am closer to nature, to trees, to Pachamama.

0:01:10 Carly: There’s like, I swear, this, like, defining line in the road. Once we get out of the city and we’re back into the forest, it’s. So before I dive into the episode, this is your reminder. When in doubt, go back to the basics. Spend time outside, Go hug a tree, Go seek some quiet. But anyway, today’s episode, so I’m at the cabin and we went for a late night walk down to the river. And our friends brought their dog, this cute little Australian shepherd named Ghee. He’s so cute.

0:01:43 Carly: And almost the entire time this little guy is pulling like crazy on the leash, he wants to be ahead of the pack, hurting all of us. So I get it, that’s his job. But he, he’s pulling so hard, he’s just literally choking himself. But he doesn’t stop. And at one point someone asked, do you think he realizes he’s the one doing it to himself? That he has full control to stop choking? And someone else answered, maybe.

0:02:12 Carly: But maybe he’s also just so laser focused on getting the job done that he ignores it. And that got me thinking. How often do we do the exact same thing? It’s easy to judge because he’s a dog, but don’t we do the same thing? Don’t we get so locked in on what we think we should be doing? Work, goals, responsibilities that we don’t even realize we’re the ones making ourselves suffer. So where are you choking yourself?

0:02:47 Carly: For me, this looked like achievement, addiction. And to be clear, I’m still recovering from this. But I was so obsessed with hitting goals, moving forward, being successful, that I Never stopped to ask myself, am I actually happy? I didn’t realize that I was choking myself with burnout, with people pleasing, with being so disconnected from myself that I couldn’t even hear my own needs. So that was me, the achievement addict.

0:03:17 Carly: But we know that this self suffering, we know that this shows up in a million different ways. Let’s look at work. Are you grinding non stop because you think success has to be earned through suffering? What about your relationships? Are you staying in something that drains you because you think it’s not that bad? What about your health? Are you pushing yourself so hard that self care becomes just another thing on your to do list?

0:03:49 Carly: Or what about money? Are you living in scarcity mode, constantly worried, but never actually making changes? We wear suffering like a badge of honor. We convince ourselves that if we push through a little longer, then we’ll be happy. But the sneaky part is sometimes we don’t even realize that we’re doing it. Sometimes we are so deep in the pattern that we justify our own suffering. And it’s sneaky because suffering also doesn’t always look like suffering. Suffering, it doesn’t always look like burnout.

0:04:28 Carly: It’s not always obvious. We can’t see the dog pulling on the leash. Sometimes it actually looks like self care. Okay, this is a. Just hear me out, okay? Sometimes we don’t fix the situation because we’re too busy soothing ourselves through it. Do we pour a glass of wine at the end of the long day? Instead of questioning why every day feels draining, we book a weekend trip to escape our success, our stress.

0:05:02 Carly: Instead of changing the stressful life that we always want to escape from, we take a bath, we light a candle, we listen to a meditation instead of removing the thing that is making us miserable in the first place. So I’m going to let that one sit for a second because I know it’s a little funky, but I’m going to say it again. Sometimes we don’t fix the situation because we are too busy soothing ourselves through it.

0:05:35 Carly: So how do you stop choking? Well, this is where awareness changes everything. Because once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it. So here’s a simple framework that’s going to help you take action. Three steps. So step number one, pause and ask yourself, where am I pulling on the leash? Where am I creating my own suffering? Step two, go deeper. So where am I doing this? But now, why am I doing this?

0:06:07 Carly: What belief is keeping me stuck? Because if you don’t unpack that, you’re just going to repeat the cycle. Maybe you grew up believing that success equals struggling. Maybe you tie your worth to achievement, so slowing down feels scary. Okay, that’s Step two is going deeper. And now step three. Make one small shift. Let go of one thing today. If you’re overworking, set a boundary. If you’re in a toxic relationship, have a hard conversation.

0:06:43 Carly: If you’re stuck in scarcity, take one step towards abundance. Maybe brainstorm a side hustle. Maybe negotiate that raise that you’ve been putting off forever. Loosen the leash. Let go of one thing today. Because the truth is that your choices got you here. Okay? If you are in a place you don’t want to be, if you’re suffering, if you’re not as happy as you know that you can be or you’ve been in the past, your choices got you here.

0:07:14 Carly: But your choices can also get you out. You can stop choking yourself whenever you decide to let go. So where in your life are you pulling too hard on the leash? And what would happen if you just let go? So that’s your homework. I want you all to go sit with it. Go be honest with yourself. And if this resonated with you, send this to someone who needs to hear it too. Let go of the leash. So that’s it.

0:07:51 Carly: Another short insight from me. Living my life, you, you know. And that’s where we all find our inspiration. Go live in a damn good story. But thank you all again for tuning in to Coffee with Carly, your weekly wake up call. And as always, please remember to follow subscribe Rate my podcast say hi to me on Instagram. If you are looking for deeper long term support, that’s gonna be the place to reach out to me and chat more about what that looks like. Of course, it’s all in the show notes my link as well.

0:08:22 Carly: And that’s all I got today. So remember everyone, stay bold, stay balanced and I will see you all next week.