EP 12: Dress Shopping, Self-Sabotage & Expanding Your Capacity for Happiness

 In this episode, I take you behind the scenes of my wedding dress shopping experience and uncover a powerful life lesson about self-sabotage, worthiness, and the Upper Limit Problem (a concept from The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks).

We all have an internal thermostat for success, love, and happiness—and when we exceed it, we subconsciously pull ourselves back down. Whether it’s procrastinating on a big opportunity, downplaying our wins, or avoiding the spotlight (like I almost did with my wedding veil!), these patterns keep us stuck in the familiar, even when we crave more.

Tune in to learn:
 ✅ How to recognize your own upper limit blocks
 ✅ The 4 hidden fears that might be holding you back
 ✅ Practical steps to expand your capacity for joy, success, and abundance

If you’re ready to stop shrinking, embrace more, and create the life you actually want, this episode is for you. 

Listen now and DM me on Instagram (@carlyschade) with your biggest takeaway!

💌 Get fresh perspectives and actionable tips delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe to ☕The Weekly Brew and start creating a life that feels as good as it looks. Click Here to Sign Up!

Transcript

0:00:00 Carly: Foreign. Welcome to Coffee with Carly, your weekly wake up call to a happier, healthier life. I’m your host, Carly Shade, and I’m here to uncover how good life can get. So if you’ve been listening for a while, you’ve probably heard me mention my fiance, Matt. And if you’re new here, hi, welcome. I have a fiance named Matt. So now that we’re all on the same page, let’s dive into this episode. Really. We’re going to start with just talking about my weekend.

0:00:43 Carly: Why? Because I went wedding dress shopping. So for those who don’t know, wedding dress shopping isn’t as simple as just walking into a store and trying things on. You have to make appointments, you gotta browse their website, go pick out styles that you think you might like. So being the planner, the good student that I am, I did my research, I saved some Pinterest inspiration and I went in feeling really ready.

0:01:08 Carly: So I’m also very open. As you probably know by now, I’m not one to be like a bridezilla, but there were two things that I knew for sure. One, I did not want a strapless dress and I definitely didn’t want a veil. The veil just felt like so fancy and too brighty and just, yeah, like some part of me was telling myself that it was just over the top, maybe draw too much attention. We’ll come back to this later.

0:01:38 Carly: So we get to the first appointment. I’ve got my mom, bunch of best friends with me and the stylist brings out dresses based on what I had chosen online. She did her job and let’s just say it was not great. So every dress that I had picked for myself looked terrible. Thank God for my friends because they were brutally honest and we knew early on that we needed to pivot. So we started on try. You know, we started trying on dresses that I hadn’t really even considered, styles that I had like totally ruled out, including strapless dresses.

0:02:14 Carly: And suddenly we saw a theme emerging. The vibe started to come together and then they actually made me try on a veil. So at first I resisted, but when I put it on, I’m going to be honest with you guys, I absolutely fell in love with it. So by the time we arrived at our second appointment, we had a clear direction and in record time, I found the perfect dress, the perfect veil. And I said yes to the dress that day.

0:02:45 Carly: So exciting. So the reason I’m telling you this story is because there were a lot of life lessons that I remembered from my weekend of wedding dress shopping and I want to talk about them. So the first lesson being, remember to surround yourself with people who will tell you the truth. Who knows what dress I’d walk away with if I had gone alone? Okay. My friends were not afraid to be honest, and that honesty saved me from a disaster.

0:03:13 Carly: So in life, having people who challenge you rather than always just agree with you, kind of like a coach, is invaluable. Second, you don’t know until you try. Here I was thinking I had it all figured out. I had a vision, I had a vibe, I got a Pinterest board full of ideas. But when I tried things on, when I actually did, was a total 180. We are so afraid to be wrong, to change our minds, to start something and realize that it’s not right.

0:03:46 Carly: But I want you to know that every no brings you closer to a yes. Okay? Every misstep brings clarity. Action comes from clarity. And life is not about getting it perfect on the first try. It is about experimenting, learning, and evolving. So whatever new thing that you’re thinking about trying, whatever transition in life that you’re at, it’s okay if you don’t get it the perfect perfect the first time.

0:04:13 Carly: It’s okay if it’s not exactly the thing that you were looking or hoping for. But every no brings you closer to a yes. And the third lesson. Stop dimming your light. So I’m going to bring back the veil for a second, because this was a big thing. So the reason that I didn’t want a veil, well, was because I honestly thought it was too much. Like, I didn’t want to stand out too much. I didn’t want to take up too much space.

0:04:42 Carly: I didn’t want to draw too much attention to myself. It just, you know, I felt bad drawing that much attention. But then I started thinking, well, where else in my life have I done that right? And I’m gonna get really honest with you guys. A little vulnerable share here. This is a belief that I’ve had for a long time, right? Like, I’ve been so afraid of making other people uncomfortable that I downplay my success.

0:05:10 Carly: Maybe I downplay my happiness. Maybe I’ve downplayed a win. Hell, I mean, even in college, I found myself chiming into conversations about the stresses of student loans. And I didn’t even have a student loan, right? It’s like, we want to just fit into these crowds. We want to make everyone else feel comfortable. So here I was, trying on a wedding dress, worrying about whether a veil would make other people feel less at My own wedding.

0:05:40 Carly: Okay, I know this sounds crazy, but it is actually a very common problem that you might have and a lot of people have. And it ties into, really, the bigger focus of today’s episode, which is a concept called the upper limit problem. So this was coined by Gay Hendricks in the book the Big Leap. And it’s this idea that we all have an internal thermostat for how much love, how much success, or how much happiness that we believe that we deserve.

0:06:13 Carly: So when we exceed that level, we unconsciously find ways to bring ourselves back down to what feels safe, even if it’s not serving us. Because remember, what is familiar feels safe. Okay, we are going to talk about this all the time. It shot up in the nervous system. We bring ourselves back down to what feels safe, even if it’s not serving us because it’s familiar. So this can show up. This upper limit problem can show up in a lot of different sneaky ways.

0:06:43 Carly: So picking a fight when things are going too well in a relationship, procrastinating on a big opportunity, feeling guilty about making more money than your family ever did, or dismissing compliments or deflecting praise. Okay, does any of these sound familiar? So Hendrix outlines these four core beliefs that hold us back in this book. And the first is feeling fundamentally flawed. You believe that something is inherently wrong with you, so you don’t let yourself experience success fully.

0:07:20 Carly: The second core fear that might hold us back is our fear of disloyalty and abandonment. So you worry that if you grow, succeed, or change, you’ll leave people behind or be seen as disloyal. The third is that believing success will be a burden. You might fear that the more success will lead to more stress, more responsibility or expectations that you can’t handle. And the fourth core fear that holds us back is the fear of outshining others.

0:07:50 Carly: You hold yourself back so that you don’t make others feel small or uncomfortable. So for me, the wedding veil moment was an upper limit realization. Okay, I resisted something beautiful because I thought that it was too much. But the truth is, too much is just an old belief, and I don’t want to carry it anymore. So I 1000% recommend that you all go read this book, the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. But I also know my audience, and I know that a lot of you are not book readers.

0:08:23 Carly: It’s also probably why you’re listening to a podcast right now. So I will gladly summarize the book and some solutions here. So we just shared the four core beliefs that hold us back. But Hendricks also shares the most common ways that we upper limit ourselves. So let’s see if any of these resonate with you. Worrying, worrying about things that don’t matter or are not actually a problem. Criticism and blame.

0:08:50 Carly: Finding faults in yourself or others instead of addressing the real issue. Deflecting, downplaying that compliment or pushing away good things, Picking fights, creating conflict when things are going well. This shows up a lot in relationships. And then lastly, getting sick or injured. So sometimes our bodies physically manifest self sabotage. So those were just the most common ways that we can often self sabotage and bring ourselves back down to this safe, familiar area preventing us from leveling up.

0:09:23 Carly: Okay, I’ll say this again. Worrying, criticism and blame, distance, deflecting, picking fights, getting sick or injured. So what do we do when we catch ourselves in some of these patterns? Well, awareness is the first step because once you recognize how you self sabotage, because we all do it differently, you can begin to make a different choice. So the list that I just mentioned is a great reference, but I also encourage you guys to write down your own list.

0:09:52 Carly: What are the common ways that you upper limit yourself? Right, like probably a year or two ago I noticed that picking fights was definitely a way that me and my fiance Matt upper limited ourselves. Things were going great and then there was some dumb fight. So the next time that you catch yourself upper limiting, which again just means self sabotaging, take a moment to pause and expand your capacity for joy, love and success.

0:10:23 Carly: So instead of shrinking, open up. Instead of deflecting, receive. So many of us like our bodies just want to contract naturally and recognize this. So sometimes I’ll just say when I can feel a tightening in my body, I’ll just say open. And it doesn’t matter what the situation is. Upper limiting, self sabotage, worry, deflecting, picking fights. I feel that visceral shrinking in my body when those things happen.

0:10:53 Carly: And I’ve started to just say open. No matter what it is, just say open and allow yourself to expand and be able to receive. So another simple practice that you could try is the next time that you feel again this immense happiness, success or love, pause and feel it. Like let it actually sink in. Let yourself feel celebrated instead of brushing it off. Tell yourself, I am allowed to feel this good. It’s not unsafe.

0:11:27 Carly: I am allowed to feel this good. Take the compliment, take up space, buy the frickin veil. Okay, the more that you do that open, I’m allowed to feel this good. The more that your internal thermostat is going to start to rise and so the more goodness you allow, the more that you’re going to receive. The universe only gives you what you are capable of handling. So if you’re showing it that you can’t handle more love, more goodness, more success, it’s not going to give it to you.

0:12:04 Carly: We have to start expanding and being willing to receive, being willing to feel this good. So the next time that you resist something that just feels too much, whether it’s the wedding veil, whether it’s the big opportunity or just an outpouring of love, ask yourself, what would happen if I let myself have this? Because maybe, just maybe, you’re actually meant to shine. Maybe your core core fear isn’t really about outshining and dimming other people’s lights.

0:12:42 Carly: But go back to those four core beliefs that I mentioned, and maybe you’ll recognize yourself in one of them. And if you’re listening to this podcast, I’m gonna guess it’s because you want more out of life. You want more joy, you want more fulfillment, you want more abundance. You just want to feel good. And guess what? It’s all possible once you get out of your own way. We create our reality with every thought, every belief, and every choice that we make.

0:13:15 Carly: So if life feels like it’s just been happening to you, I want you to know that you are in the driver’s seat. You always have been. But the truth is that you’ve maybe just been taking yourself down the wrong road. So radical responsibility changed everything for me. That relationship, the fairy tale relationship that I’ve dreamed of, a choice I make every single day, the career that feels fulfilling, flexible, financially rewarding.

0:13:43 Carly: Well, it started with me. I’m still figuring it out. But I’m committed to embodying it now. I’m not waiting for some perfect future moment. My. You know that life that basically feels as good as it looks, that feels like it’s a movie. It starts with me. Every choice that I make, every thought I have, and every belief that we hold. So wherever you are, whatever your deepest desires are, know this. It is possible.

0:14:13 Carly: And it starts with you. So if you are feeling stuck, I am here to support you. If you want deeper guidance, send me a DM on Instagram, reply to one of my emails, reach out whatever feels right. Let’s do this together. Because I know that it’s hard. We’ve been stuck in these patterns. We’ve been stuck in these limiting beliefs. We’ve been stuck in these upper limiting problems. And it’s sometimes hard to get unstuck.

0:14:40 Carly: Sometimes you need someone who’s going to be brutally honest with you to help you undo those patterns, to help us raise the internal thermostat, and to help us get to that next level so we can feel more joy, more success, more abundance in our life. Thank you again for tuning in to Coffee with Carly. As always, if you loved this episode, if you just love me, subscribe Follow Leave a rating I appreciate it. It helps with the rankings so much.

0:15:11 Carly: And if this episode resonated with you, maybe share it with a friend. Send me a dm, let me know your thoughts, send me a tag. And as always, like a good cup of coffee, stay bold, stay balanced, and I’ll see you all next week.