Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley Lutzelberger
Welcome to Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley, where open, honest, and vulnerable conversations about relationships take center stage. Grounded in biblical truths, we explore love, friendship, family, and faith through heartfelt stories and Christ-centered guidance. Whether you’re navigating challenges or celebrating victories, you’ll find wisdom and encouragement to build deeper, God-honoring connections.
Redeemed and Radiant with Ashley Lutzelberger
The Journey: From Personal Trauma to Self-Discovery
I never thought I'd be able to celebrate my birthday joyfully again after the trauma I endured shortly after turning 18. This episode, I share my journey of reclaiming my voice and personal power, exploring how honesty and self-awareness have become my guiding lights. From challenging past experiences to setting boundaries and understanding self-worth, I reveal the raw and vulnerable moments that have shaped my path to healing and self-acceptance.
Our conversation also takes a heartfelt look at the complexities of love and relationships. Meeting my husband through a dating app at 21, I found myself navigating skepticism and self-doubt, colored by the shadows of previous emotional scars. Together, we faced family issues and the fear of repeating past mistakes, all while holding onto our values and vision for a committed future. This part of our story highlights the humor and authenticity that underscore our journey toward self-discovery and genuine connection.
Finally, the episode addresses the profound impact of personal and professional challenges on mental health and spiritual growth. I recount my experiences with PCOS, surgeries, and the choice to not have children, alongside the societal perceptions of weight loss surgery. Balancing my role in ministry with workplace challenges, I share the emotional toll and eventual empowerment that came from confronting these hurdles. This narrative is a testament to the importance of mental health awareness, open conversations, and the power of seeking support on the path to personal growth.
Thank you for joining me on Redeemed and Radiant. Remember, no matter where you are in your journey, God’s love can redeem and restore every part of your life. Stay radiant, stay rooted in Him, and I’ll see you next time!
Follow me on:
Facebook @ Redeemed & Radiant Podcast
Instagram @ redeemed_and_radiant
Hey everyone and welcome to Redeemed and Radiant. With Ashley, we are going to continue our conversation about having a relationship with ourselves and kind of pick up from where we left off last week. I know last week's topics of conversation were a little bit more difficult to kind of discuss for some people, or maybe even to hear for some people, um, but I just I really feel like we need to bring certain things to light and talk about certain things, especially things that I've experienced personally. Um, I know a lot of other people have experienced personally and with the the stigma and the taboo behind. Just don't talk about it and it goes away. Um, isn't necessarily true.
Speaker 1:So, um, I am going to kind of backpedal just a little bit um, about what I had said, um when I was 18, about being um raped and having everything taken from me six days after I turned 18. Um, so my birthday is in December, uh, which December is my favorite month of the year because I love Christmas so much, but there's a lot of bitter sweetness that comes along with it. It has been really hard to celebrate my birthday since this happened. And, um, there are some other bittersweet things about my like, some other things about my birthday I should say um, with people I share it with that. I wish I didn't um, because it just feels like it's tainted in a certain way. Um, but I was speaking with one of my friends yesterday, um, going over some coaching and stuff, um, and we were talking about the subject and some of the things I really liked that she said was when I was raped, I obviously did not have a voice. My voice was not heard Um during that situation, even like when we spoke with the sheriff and everything like that. Um, it was not. I was not like told that anything would happen. I was just kind of brushed aside in a sense.
Speaker 1:Um, and for the first time in a long time, like I want to celebrate my birthday this year, um, cause I do feel like I have a lot of female friends that I've never experienced having before and I'd love to actually like have a do something for my birthday. But I want to wait until January where I can like really think about what do I want to do, holidays be over all those things because we are celebrating my husband's birthday um this week, when his birthday was in November. So, like you know, it's just kind of one of those things where it's like I'd rather just wait. You know and she made a good point she's like, well, you're doing it with your own, you have your own voice now. Like you know and she made a good point she's like, well, you're doing it with your own, you have your own voice now. Like you're, you're listening to yourself and you're creating your own value and giving yourself your own voice and you're taking that back.
Speaker 1:And I never thought of it that way and it was such a beautiful way to think about that and, ironically, like when I made my post or my um, my podcast last week for you guys, I didn't really cry talking about these things. And yet yesterday, when I was talking to my friend on the phone about these things, I was like bawling and I'm like I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm crying so much, and so I am in a little bit of a funk today. Um, you probably might be able to tell by my voice and I feel like extremely tired for some reason today. But it's just like the time of year, this kind of stuff, that typically these are the moods and the, the ease and flows that we go through and, um, you know, my husband was like, well, you don't have to record today. And I was like, no, I do, um, because this is a honest and vulnerable and real podcast. Like, just because I'm having a funk day doesn't mean I'm not going to make a podcast, because I want you guys to know that this is genuine, this is real. Everything I tell you is real and authentic.
Speaker 1:Again, a disclaimer, just in case you know me and I talk about any of our stories that it's all out of love and it's about the way I perceive the situation versus anything personal. So just, I want to disclaim that every time. That way, people know and if you hear any sounds in the background, my kittens are in here playing, so do excuse the bells and any rough housing that may uh, occur, because I don't trust them out in the living room by themselves currently. They have just been so crazy lately, um, but we talked a lot about being honest with ourselves and, um, it took me a long time to actually become honest with myself for a lot of things up until recently, but there's a lot of aspects to a relationship, so, like kindness, respect, gratitude, responsibility, you do need to have some sort of resilience in your relationship with yourself or with others.
Speaker 1:Honesty, you know, trustworthiness um, when you're doing one with yourself, there should be some self-awareness, self-acceptance, some self-care, setting boundaries with people that do not deserve to cross a certain line with you giving yourself gratitude, having positive self-talk and not bringing yourself down. Finding what your authentic self is and being your authentic self, figuring out your emotions and managing them, maintaining healthy physical well-being. That goes with making sure that your mental health is where it's supposed to be Exploring all of your emotions, whether they're good and bad, knowing when to say no and that it's okay to say no and it's okay to take time for yourself. So, like, there's a lot of aspects in making sure you have a healthy self relationship, because ultimately the relationship you have with yourself, like I've said before, will dictate how you have relationships with other people, and I struggled with everything I mentioned last podcast about all the sexual assault and everything like that that I've gone through and being exposed to sexual things at a very young age.
Speaker 1:That should never have happened. First and foremost, I never was mad or blamed the person or persons that caused these things to happen. I never hated these people. I never wished ill will on them. I honestly blamed myself, and that is a very common response for most people is did I do something wrong to make this person think that this was okay? The answer to that is no, obviously. But when you're going through it, you don't understand that and it played out in how I felt about myself. It played out on how I felt about other people, how I valued myself and other people and relationships I had with other people. I had no self-respect, I had no self-acceptance, I had no self-love.
Speaker 1:I was always saying something bad about myself and then when someone outside of me would mention the same thing, it just affirmed to me that, oh, I am this person and that wasn't. Those are lives, like we were meant to be made, person that he has created us to be, and it's taken for someone who, like me, who's grown up in church my entire life, has heard everything, has read majority of the Bible and has always been very bold about telling people I'm a Christian and all these things. I've never understood a lot of who I am supposed to be, what I'm meant to be. I'd have people tell me things but I just I never believed it, I never saw it. So when I I know I left off um last episode about meeting my husband, um.
Speaker 1:I was 21 when I met him. We met on a dating app. I saw him, thought he was extremely attractive. He apparently thought I was out of his league but still messaged me. Um went on our first date, which was the best date I'd ever been on, and him, being a gentleman, gave me a very polite kiss goodbye, and I was like that's how you kiss your grandma goodbye. He does not like me and I was just so conditioned to being used by men, and not even just men, but there have been women who had used me that this was just all I was meant for and all I was capable of is being used. And so it took me by surprise and it caught me off guard when he was not doing that.
Speaker 1:So when we went on our second date, I told myself all right, I'm going to kiss him, and if he doesn't kiss me back, then he doesn't like me, cause he sent me the typical I had so much fun, we should hang out again, kind of text. And I was like but like, you didn't even like me, is this like? And I'd be like are you going to ghost me? Kind of thing. And we ended up going to lunch of my family, friends and their son, and I was like, oh no, I haven't even told my family that I'm talking to someone, because my whole thing too was I wasn't going to be in a serious relationship unless I knew I was going to marry that person. Because my ex really did a number on me and I was just like so tired of introducing my family to people who just were not going to be my forever. So I was just like, oh, this is embarrassing. I was like super nervous.
Speaker 1:We introduced each other, you know, and everything was fine, and I ended we were sitting in the car before we ended up leaving and I leaned over and I kissed him. I jumped basically across the seat and kissed him and he kissed me back and I was like, all right, he likes me Good. So the rest was history. We started dating. Now I did string him out for two weeks. So we hung out for a while like we just kind of like were friends and like dated and got to know each other for a little bit. Before he asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him that I would let him know for two weeks, like, while we're hanging out, like I'm like, next time I see you, I'll tell. And I strung him out for two weeks and finally I was just like, look, it's okay with me, but it won't be official unless you ask my dad's permission. Because in my mind I was just like I had always told myself since I was a kid the person who was going to marry me will not just ask for my hand in marriage but will also ask to date me. I'm a very old soul. I look at things in an old soul way.
Speaker 1:And so my grandfather had passed away and we went out of town, me and my mom and my dad was home with my siblings, and during that time my husband reached out to him through Facebook and asked if he could like meet up with him and talk to him and stuff. And uh, my dad was like call or text my mom or something. And we were like at lunch he was like, why does Kyle want to meet me? And like he messaged me on Facebook, blah, blah, blah. And I was like if it's anything more than just asking to date me, I don't know. And so he went over and he spent the day with my siblings and my dad and my dad had a questionnaire form for him to fill out, but my dad also had filled out the same questionnaire form because he said whatever questions I'm going to ask you, I also want to be able to be honest and upfront with you, with those for me as well. So, like they, it was a whole thing. I didn't even know about how in detail it was until I got back and like he told me everything.
Speaker 1:But I knew then that that was who was going to marry and um, we had always discussed that we wanted to date for at least six months before we um, six months to a year before we got married. Um, because we just that we were going to potentially, uh, like we had already looked at rings and during that timeframe I had a lot of family stuff go on. I had a lot of family stuff go on and I almost broke up with with um, with my husband, because I was afraid of seeing what parents were going through, that it would happen to me, and I was like I can't, I can't go through with what my mom's going through. Like this is like a lot. And you know I just watched him. You know, step up. You know I told him I'm like you need him, I need to make sure that you're going to church for you, not for me. I need to make sure that you're you're not just doing things because I'm asking you to do things.
Speaker 1:And I was scared because he was the first person who ever treated me like I should have been treated Like, even outside of friend, like even friend wise, like I never had anyone treat me the way he had treated me. So for me it was like the whole it's too good to be true. Chances are, it's too good to be true. You know what I mean. And so I was like afraid that this was going to happen and that it was too good to be true, this was going to happen and that it was too good to be true. So, um, he stepped up in ways that I never expected him to or thought were even possible for him to do, and things that he didn't even need to do, but yet he did anyway and helped my family out tremendously and gained a lot of respect from my family and from me. And, um, I knew like okay, like we are going to get like, this will be the person I marry.
Speaker 1:You know, um, during the same time, I still had not really addressed my own issues that I had with how I viewed myself. Viewing myself in a sense of my value still was not where my value should be. I never thought I had value. No matter how many times he told me I had value, I didn't believe it. He believed in what I wanted to do. I wanted to go to fashion school for so long and my parents were like like that's not really a feasible, like job and so my parents weren't really on board with me going to fashion school. But Kyle was like, since we were dating, was like buying me books and stuff and like I ended up going to fashion school spoiler alert and then hated making the clothes but I loved designing them. So it was like I didn't even finish because I was like I took what knowledge I needed and then then I finished, I stopped, like it was just it was really funny.
Speaker 1:But he he's always believed in me and he's always saw the best in me and I am far from perfect and I have a lot of issues and a lot of things that I'm working through. But I hadn't worked through them yet at this point and I really had a low self-esteem and a low self-worth and I just I could not believe that God was going to give me this man who, in my mind, was so perfect and so wholesome. And here I am, this tainted person who has gone through so much and has not lived a life like I had thought I was going to or planned on living because of the things that had happened to me, and it got to the point where he would want to help, but he doesn't know how. We've been married now for 10 and a half years and we've been together for 12 and a half almost 13 years. Um and uh.
Speaker 1:We don't really fight like we're not the couple that typically fights. Usually outside stressors come in and then we just kind of go off on each other, but for the most part we don't fight at all. I'm very blessed to have the man that I have in my life. God gave me an amazing man, but the last 10 years has been a lot for me. You know, I've grown a lot. I've changed a lot. He's grown and changed a lot. I'm so sorry, but with both of us growing and evolving over these last 10 years together, we've gotten to know each other, obviously in ways that he knows how. He knows the buttons push. You know when he wants to really get me upset if we're already arguing and and I know the same buttons push for him and we don't. We don't try to do that Like we really don't.
Speaker 1:But during the time that, like we have been married, I've still struggled with my value and my self-worth and you know and who I am as a person and, like I had mentioned before, like any compliment was, like I would, I would seek out compliments, like it doesn't matter what kind of compliments they were. One of the things that my friend and I spoke about yesterday too, was being a people pleaser versus being a people lover, a huge heart for people. But I think along the way growing up, I became a people pleaser to the point where, like, people's opinions and what they said and thought about me mattered so much and have the love and acceptance of them mattered so much to me, and then, like, if I felt like I wasn't meeting that it really affected me, um, it made me feel alone, it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, made me feel like I was a horrible friend or a horrible person, and it was really hard, um, to try to figure out how to acknowledge those kinds of things, especially like when my husband would be like, how do I help, how do I fix this? And I'm like you can't, like it's a me thing, it's out of you thing, and um, it would always be to the point where I'm like you're too good for me, I don't deserve you.
Speaker 1:And he'd be like, why do you say that? And I'm like because, like here you were, this amazing guy came into my life and, like, didn't really have a whole lot of baggage that you brought into the marriage or into our relationship. Yet here I am with like 15 bags behind me and each of them are full to the brim and you have to sit on them to zip them up. Like you know, I don't, like you don't deserve that. You don't deserve to listen or hear all the crap I have to go through or the deal with family or friend drama or work drama or my own drama. Like you know what I mean. Like I felt like I didn't deserve him and it would hurt his heart when I would say that and I never meant it in a mean way, never meant it to be like, um, I don't deserve you.
Speaker 1:And trying to hurt his feelings. It was how I was feeling in the moment about us and, um, it was something that he would constantly tell me. Like, when you say that, that really like hurts my heart, you know, because you're the only person I want. And to know, when you've had a past with relationships where you have not been the only person that someone wants, it's really hard to accept that, especially when you aren't the person that you want. Like, let that sink in for a second. I was never the person I wanted. Millie, I'm sorry, hang on just a second. Gotta love having fur babies.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I didn't always want to be left alone with myself. I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, any of that. So why would anyone want to be with me? You know, those are the things that I thought of all the time, and it took, it took a while for me to start, you know, accepting things. Like it took a while.
Speaker 1:We we try to have, um, kids. You know I try to get pregnant. We, we made the decision early on. Like he knew, the situation never took advantage of me the one man who has never taken advantage of me and we always made the decision that we would do it naturally, and if it didn't happen, then it wasn't God's will. And then I started getting these feelings in my gut that, like I feel like if I were to get pregnant, something bad would possibly happen and he would have to make a decision and I could not do that Um, that's his wife Like that would just be too hard, or I would have to make a decision and that would be too hard.
Speaker 1:So, um, I, at the age I was in my late twenties, when I decided that I was going to, I was, I accepted the fact that I wasn't going to have kids and he was on the. We were both on the same page. We talked about adoption. We did our first interview for that, like our intro video for that with a place I used to work with, and I cried for two hours after we got off that Zoom meeting because it just didn't feel right. That zoom meeting because it just didn't feel right.
Speaker 1:And, um, even though it was something that we had talked about since we were dating, um was we can always have kids one way or another, and I've had a lot of surgeries, um, emergency surgeries on my ovary that I still have. Um, that I was just like you know, I almost lost it um in 2019. And I was like then I'll really be sterile, I won't be able to have kids. Like, can you guys take any of the eggs? How's that work? Like and like no, that's like something you would have to do at different times, like that was something you would have had to have already done and I had no idea, obviously. So um ended up, my ovary was saved, they ended up saving my ovary, but I was just so traumatized by all of my female issues. I've gone through that I was just.
Speaker 1:I finally became okay with I'm okay with not having kids and I had a lot of um struggles with my PCOS. I would constantly be like it didn't matter if I worked out, I would gain weight and it was like the most frustrating thing. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be healthy for my husband, be healthy for me. I want to have a long, happy marriage and yet I was feeling like every time I looked in the mirror, I just I hated everything I saw. I hated who.
Speaker 1:I was to my core and just had this horrible disdain for myself and I was just sick all the time, having issues like medical issues all the time and, um, at the time I had worked for a job where it was a weight loss office and I would see ladies who would have the sleeve done and get a quick fix and then gain their weight back, and so I always thought in my head weight loss surgery is a quick fix. And I battled that thought for a very long time until I did my own research and I looked at the different types of surgeries and one of the things that again going back to not being heard, um was when I had a doctor when I was in junior high and I told him I was having stomach problems every time I ate at lunch because the I had a tummy. I wasn't skinny, but the the where the desks at the school would hit my stomach, which just caused my stomach to hurt and I just feel so uncomfortable. And he was just like you just don't want to be at school, you don't want to be at school, you don't want to be at school. So a professional found out that I had large ulcers in my esophagus that could have been avoided if my doctor had listened to me. So, like I've had a lot of of the push off of the um, your voice doesn't matter, your feelings don't matter, having mentors and people you look up to shame you for things that you've gone through or you, you want them to acknowledge you and they don't. So then you just go. What am I doing wrong? Like, what did I do? Like, am I worthless? You know, I kept trying to find my worth in my and my value in other people, but still I could not accept whatever other people were saying unless it was negative. So, um 2019, after I almost lost my ovary, um, I told my husband you know, I think I need to have my tube tied or something and I'm thinking about having weight loss surgery.
Speaker 1:And, um, during that time, we did a lot of research, found one that was actually going to help with my acid reflux, because I've been having the acid reflux this whole time and I did not want to end up having esophageal cancer, because when you have acid reflux for a long time, it can wear the lining of your esophagus, causing cancer. Also, taking antacids forever is not good for your stomach and can cause and can cause you to um have stomach issues. So we decided, okay, let's do the full bypass, because, first of all, that's the best one for anyone with acid reflux. And, second of all, it is reversible. And so, like, if there was any reason why I needed like was having any bad like side effects or reactions I could you know having any bad like side effects or reactions, I could you know, have it reversed.
Speaker 1:Um, and we decided that we would have my tube tied and went and saw an OBGYN and we were gonna have surgery done at the same time, and she was like we don't tie tubes anymore because it's, um, it's high risk, you can still get pregnant, it's not very, uh, effective and you can cause issues more issues than good. So he's like we, we, we just removed the tube. And so Kyle and I were in the room when she said that we were both like, okay, we were both like, we were at peace with that decision. Um, because I also knew, too, when you lose weight, pcos makes it hard to lose weight, which was another reason why I was going down the route of weight loss surgery, because I needed something to help me with my weight. Um, because I was miserable. And, um, we decided we'd have my tube removed when I had my weight loss surgery.
Speaker 1:And let me tell you, your worth and your value and your identity are not by what you look like. Even though that's what the world tells us all the time, it's not the case. And you know, I was literally at the time. I love fashion. I've always loved fashion.
Speaker 1:By the time I was living in leggings and t-shirts and, like I was 305 pounds, I did not like anything on how I looked. I had shaved my head, my hair off because I ruined it when I was coloring it and, like it's just, I felt like I was the ugliest thing. I felt like I looked like a whale. I look at pictures of myself, um, before I had, like, weight loss surgery and stuff, and I'm like, how Like? I look at my husband, like, how did you love me? How did you like even like me? Because in my mind I'm like that person looks miserable, looks sad and all these things. And let me tell you, weight loss surgery is not how I found my value and it is not how I found my identity either.
Speaker 1:But, um, what did happen was, um, people always thought I had a lot of confidence because I'm very good at being that charismatic kind of person. So, even though I was a heavier person, I always acted like I was. I didn't care that people noticed or whatever. I was very insecure inside and, um, I always thought that the world would be better off without me. I had a lot of self doubt, selfues in my head for a long time that I just didn't matter and it was because I didn't know my value.
Speaker 1:So I had the weight loss surgery in 2023, um in March, and recovery sucked so bad, like, let me tell you, it sucked. Um had both surgeries done at once and I thought I was going to die. I thought I made the worst mistake of my life because, like, usually after surgery, you can eat. You can't eat for like a week or two after you have weight loss surgery and it's terrible and it was so, so hard and I was just like I I should go back and have it put back together, cause this is ridiculous. Going to have it put back together because this is ridiculous. But you push through. You know I've always been someone who just perseveres through the hard stuff. Uh, I have a very high pain tolerance and so I'm like I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. And um went back to work and everything. I started losing weight fairly quickly right after, I guess, um, and it was just interesting to like just watch myself change and watch different opportunities during that time open up.
Speaker 1:And that summer I was um helping out at church and um helping decorate, you know, and like I always do. And I was um talking to one of the ladies at our church that you know runs our nursery and we're talking about kids room stuff and and decorating it. And I'm like God, why are we talking about this when, like, I'm not even like the children's pastor, like this doesn't make sense to me. Why am I like? Why are we? Why is she confiding in me about how to decorate the kid's room? And God told me I have only heard God speak to me audibly a handful of times in my life but he was like, do you not see what I'm doing? And at the time we did not have a children's pastor, we had left our church, so our associate pastor was kind of like filling in. I was helping them as needed and, mind you, when I started going back to church at this specific church, I told them I will not be on a worship team and I will not be on the children's ministry, because I have been burned in both areas at all of my churches and I'm not getting stuck there and getting burned again, both areas at all of my churches, and I'm not getting stuck there and getting burned again.
Speaker 1:I was on the worship team prior to me taking this position, um, but I didn't say anything. Told my husband that night that this is what God said and he's like it makes sense. Told my pastors, and they were like, yes, it's about time, time we've been waiting for you to say something. I'm like, oh god, what are you gonna do? And so, um, it's, what was I gonna say? Sorry, I lost my train of thought. It's been.
Speaker 1:It was just crazy that, like people saw my need to be in the kids' room before I did so, I turned the kids' room around, um, painted it, got all set up, took over, found a good um, um, like routine and things like that for the kids room and for people that were working in it and grew a team and things were going great and we started having new families come with more kids and it was just going good and we lost some, some people, but we gained some new ones and I was just like, okay, god, I don't know what you're doing, but every time during worship I would always pray God, let it be you that speaks through me, not me. And um, so I would go in there and I would just, you know, talk to these kids and I was witnessing things. I mean, I've worked with kids my entire life in children's church and in schools and all over the place and I was hearing things and witnessing things that I wish I had recorded because I feel like none of it, like people don't believe all the things that I was told by these kids that God was doing in their lives, and it was just so wonderful and so amazing and I just felt so blessed and honored to be a part of it. And these kids were getting saved left and right. And these kids were asking deep questions about God and I was just like, okay, god. And then to the point where it was like, wow, I need to check about God. And I was just like, okay, god. And then to the point where it was like, wow, I need to check my relationship, like I need to get in my relationship, you know, like with God, and fix that.
Speaker 1:And when I became the children's pastor, I told Feliza I was working with at the time about it and neither of them really seemed too thrilled for me and so I was kind of like bummed that they didn't like get excited with me. And so I have something really good and exciting going on over here at my church, but at work it just kind of seemed like things just weren't right, things were off and um, things just weren't right. Things were off and um, I had a really good relationship with my boss and with the girl that I worked with and um, confided in so much, especially with my boss, with things, and I looked at her like a second mom and um, the other girl I worked with I was and um, the other girl I worked with I was, you know, an office manager and she was a receptionist and so like, therefore, in the office I was like her quote unquote boss, but it was a small office, so like there were still some like it wasn't like super structured but but still like if you're going to be called a manager or overseeing things, then I like you structured but but still like if you're going to be called a manager or overseeing things, then I, like you were, you would do expect to some extent to have some kind of like respect to give him back to you and, and even though her and I had a good friendship outside of work, I felt like the work relationship and I like just it was not working well. But like the work relationship and I like just it was not working well. And I felt very unheard when I would bring up things to my boss and she just didn't want to deal with it. And I would bring it up to the girl I worked with with certain situations and be like, hey, you know, anything I talked to her about that was work related. She got mad at and I didn't understand why, and apparently it was how I addressed her or how I said it was different than just as talking and I'm like, well, I know how to differentiate a friendship versus a work relationship. But that was just me, you know. I thought that she could do the same thing and I was just feeling very bulldozed and very overlooked and, again, not listened to.
Speaker 1:And, um, I was working really hard at my church trying to, you know, really get the children's ministry going in a good way and then not feeling any support at work. It was just like really hard and I really wanted to do my own business and so I was feeling torn on what to do. And then one day, you know, I, after multiple times of talking to my boss, you know the situation was there was something wrong with the computer. That morning I fixed it. But I had let my receptionist know like, hey, if it doesn't work, let me know and we'll figure it out together. And I never heard her talk to me about it. But I heard her walk down the hall and tell my boss. So I just always felt like I was always overstepped in the tell my boss. So I just always felt like I was always overstepped in the hey, come to me first, come, you know, type of thing.
Speaker 1:And it was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back, because even that morning, like my boss had snapped at me about something and I can't even remember what it was, but it was just like I went and I sat and I told my boss. I was like, look, I can't keep doing this. Like if we're not going to address any of these issues that we're having, then that I've brought to your attention for months, then I don't know what else I can do, cause I can't do my job, if you're not going to address these things, because I've tried and it's not getting anywhere. And I told her. I said so I don't know how long I'm going to stay, like I don't know if I'm going to continue to stay working here or not. And it was really hard because I had told her I was going to stay with her until she closed her business and she was supposed to retire in December.
Speaker 1:And this was August of last year. And, um, she thought I was threatening her. I wasn't threatening her, I was just letting her know, like no, like I don't know what I'm going to do. And she wanted me to tell her by the end of the day, or I before I left, cause I told her I was going to leave at lunchtime because we were really slow, um, and there was no point of pain to have three people at work if we're super slow, so I was just going to go home and, um, end up having she wanted me to tell her my decision before I left and I said, no, I need to go home and talk to my husband. And she kind of made a smirky remark about it and, um, you know, tensions were high. We were both not in the right minds frame, like that was not like the kind of people that we are to each other and that wasn't the kind of relationship we had. So it was really hard and like confusing as to why I was feeling this, like it was happening like this. But she did call a meeting before I left and it basically was her, and the other girl basically just attacked me verbally. I was cussed at, I was torn down.
Speaker 1:I felt like I'm like hey, these are the issues that are going on, that I see, and I had examples, but they had no examples for me. When they would try to tell me well, you're not doing this, I'm like okay, well then tell me what I'm not doing so I can fix it. I'm a strong believer. I'm like okay, well then tell me what I'm not doing so I can fix it. I'm a I'm a strong believer. I'm like dude, if I'm not doing something right, tell me so I can fix it. And I felt so sideswiped. I felt very betrayed. I felt I felt very hurt, like I don't even know how to explain the hurt that I felt that day, like I don't even know how to explain the hurt that I felt that day.
Speaker 1:And I went home and made the decision that I was going to put my two weeks in. Um, the next morning I was always there early Next morning, I had packed up my stuff. Then I was going to put my two weeks in and figured like I'll pack it all up now so I don't have to do it like periodically. Throughout the two weeks Wrote both my boss and the girl I worked with, each a letter personally and then a normal two weeks notice letter. Um, my boss texted me telling me to leave as soon as my stuff was packed and I had mentioned well, it's already packed. And she's like well then, bring you know, make sure you give me your keys, but you're not working here two weeks. And I was just like devastated.
Speaker 1:I had to work for this woman for eight years and I had given her a lot of me and a lot of my time. And you know, I just felt very um hurt. And when I went in there to give her like cause I text her because, mind you, she was texting me all this stuff Like am I allowed to say goodbye? And she was like why would you say that? I'm like because you're texting me and you're not talking to me and in my mind that's you don't want to see me. And so went in there and she's like I don't want your attitude or any of your drama. I was like I'm just here to give you what you asked for and to leave Like I'm not here to cause any drama, I'm not here to cause anything Gave her stuff I needed to. And I left the girl I worked with with to even say bye.
Speaker 1:Like it was really hard because I thought these people were my friends and I've had such bad friendships and relationships in the past. And then they both knew about it and I felt like again, just like these guys taking advantage of me when I'm younger because of my history. I felt like the same thing happened again, but with my friends and I was just like man, what in the world Like? And then I felt like they were like kind of getting in my business and so I ended up like on Facebook and stuff. So I ended up just like taking a break from our, our friendship on Facebook just because, like I needed some time to heal, cause I got very depressed and very upset. But I was like you know what, now I can do my business, now I can focus on the, the church, I can do all these things and it was like a blessing in disguise and I was like super excited, but then I realized how depressed I was getting, because I went from seeing so many people to seeing my animals and it was getting bad being left alone, um, at home.
Speaker 1:My mental health was not good at all. Um, I had to, and I ended up finding a part-time job cause I just had to get off, like I had to get out of the house. I had to have some sort of human interaction because I was just getting so depressed. And I, you know, I made some new friends and I was like, wow, god's bringing in, this is people I've always prayed about to have in my life. And and, um, I was feeling such a weird way like I was seeing the grief and the joy all at the same time.
Speaker 1:Um, I was put on staff at church, so I was invited. You know, I was at all the staff meetings I was doing on things, and, and then I started this part-time job and then I wasn't able to go to any of the meetings and then I kind of started feeling excluded. And then I started feeling super depressed and I had confided in two people that I was close with and did not get a response from either of them that I was really expecting or anything like that, and so I felt very alone and like it didn't matter. I wanted to literally die. Matter, I wanted to literally die and I went. You know, before this I had already been going to therapy. Um, I started going to therapy after my grandma passed away, but um started going more and started trying to push through it, trying to figure out things to help with my mental health, and the job I was working at, excuse me, was all men and, um, I get along a lot better with men than I do with women for the most part, lot better with men than I do with women for the most part.
Speaker 1:And I had an incident with one of the managers kept making comments about how I looked. Like I'd never met him in person. It was just like my picture on my profile on my on the work app that we used, or like if he was like he had a FaceTime, like a FaceTime type thing on our work thing, and he'd comment about your beautiful face and he constantly would say that and it would make me feel so uncomfortable and I ended up making an HR report about it and had to meet with my boss, the HR guy and the manager that said that and, mind you, I'm the only female in this group of people and it was very uncomfortable. I was very I was like about to leave, like I was like considering not coming back to work because I was just like this, I can't, I can't be in the same kind of environment. I I still am trying to figure out who I am and now feeling like again I am only as good as how I look or how people see me is really hard and especially because at this point I had lost weight and I was like look like a different person and it just was a lot to mentally take in.
Speaker 1:But he, we had the meeting and and the guy that said that was like I'm so sorry and he apologized to me and he actually said you know, I'm I'm very proud of you for stepping up and saying something, because someone, because someone made you feel uncomfortable. He's like not a lot of people do that and coming from a man saying something like that to a woman, I'm sorry. I you know, knowing that we're both married, like you know, he was very apologetic, but the way he apologized was healing to me for my past traumas that happened with the molestation and the rape and all the sexual assault was having a man say your voice is being heard, you are valid and I am sorry, and I crossed the line and that should not have happened and that meant a lot to me and I was like wow, like okay, and so I stayed working there, had I was fine for a while Um worked there for six months ended up leaving because there was one guy, like we had hired a newer manager in the office and all he would do would literally like make comments about how I looked. None of the other guys would do that. Like the guys knew like don't mess with Ashley, she will kick your butt. Like they knew like Ashley's cool until she's not, and all the guys respected me and he would just say things that just weren't like unexpected, like not, not respectful, and I was just like you know I can't do this anymore and I ended up leaving. And there was other things tied to it too, where management was not like HR and personal management were not taking things the way they were supposed to, um, and doing things the way they were supposed to, and I was just like you guys are also part of the reason I'm leaving, because, like, there had been uncomfortable conversations that had been had in this office that have been brought to your attention that HR should have actually done something with and you guys aren't doing anything about, and these people feel uncomfortable and this is not right and like not just me but other people, and so I left and then I was finally like I am free, I am leaving, I am finally going to do my business, I'm finally going to focus on being in the church and everything was going to be great.
Speaker 1:And, um, at this point, I had, you know, made huge strides in therapy, was feeling so much better about a lot of things. Um, my mental health was getting to a much better state. Um, was still hanging out with one of my good friends at the time and, um, you know, like, because we had a real like, when you have a good friend that you have a relationship with, you feel like you can be honest and open with them. And so, if I was struggling with something and I'd be honest and open, if I was struggling with something and I'd be honest and open vice versa and never thought anything of it, well, um, this was back in. I left my job in April of this year, 2024.
Speaker 1:And um June of this year, um, my aunt took her own life and I was very close to her and it was really hard for me and I felt extremely guilty because I was just six months prior feeling the same way, months prior feeling the same way, and I felt very like wow, that I can't believe I did that and she actually did this, and like it was a huge thing. And I love my family and this is nothing bad about them. It's just how I perceived the situation. Um, my family does not show emotion well, does not handle things like this well or deal with emotions very well. So I tend to be the comforter in the family and the glue that holds things together and there was just a lot that I had to go through and a lot that I had to deal with. Um, on top of trying to process loss of my aunt with my family members, and it was a lot to take in and um, so it kind of brought me back to a a more distraught mindset, obviously, a mental health area.
Speaker 1:Um, we got to, I like, still the children's pastor and everything but in in June or after that. Like I noticed that my friend, like in the month of June, like I had noticed that one of my friends wasn't really talking to me and I had someone. I was really pretty in the month of June, I had noticed that one of my friends wasn't really talking to me and I had someone I was really pretty close to at the time and I wasn't sure what was going on and finally, when it all came out to a head was she did not feel comfortable with me being the children's pastor. She did not feel comfortable with me being the children's pastor because I had confided in her, that I had a suicidal tendency or ideolation back in October of the year prior and made her feel uncomfortable and instead of her coming to me and telling me these things, she would ask me to babysit her kids at home. But like she didn't feel comfortable with me being the children's pastor, and it was just this whole thing and it was just a whole nother level of for me of what felt like betrayal and, you know, distrust. And I knew I was already going through a lot to process and I was. You know I had just gotten a diagnosis of OCD and DID from my therapist and then getting told well, my therapist can't help me with that, so now I need to find another therapist.
Speaker 1:So, like I was going through a lot of changes, a lot of things all at once, and then to hear hear one of my, my best friends that I thought was one of my best friends feel this way about me and you know, when all I've done is just been there for her and her family was really hurtful and, um, initially I was really upset and, um, I felt super betrayed by her. And I understand like we all take things differently when things are brought up and also we all have our own pasts, have our own pasts and when we're not in our right mental mindset, we are not thinking of how another person is going to perceive something or how it may affect them by hearing something that you're going to tell them. That is more personal, that is more, hey, I'm not doing well. That is more, hey, I am not doing well. Unfortunately, not everyone is someone you can confide in with that and I learned that the hard way by confiding in someone who just she just couldn't handle that specific topic and took it the wrong way and then in turn, and took it the wrong way and then, in turn, instead of talking to me about it, just bottled it up and it was really hard because, you know, I then I didn't really know who I could turn to or talk to or or trust, and that's, you know, when I really started thinking about, you know, really started thinking about you know, wow, mental health is so important and I have told people about my mental health and it's been pushed off so many different times Like I was trying to self-harm myself during all this I used.
Speaker 1:This is how I know and no one can tell me otherwise. This is how I know God is real and how I know like and why. I know that this needs to be out here in the open for people. I was trying to self-harm myself because of all of this. I was trying to self-harm myself because of all of this. It had gotten me into a really, really dark place. I never thought God left like. I never questioned God as to why things were happening and get mad at him, but I did feel like he was leaving me alone, even though the Bible says he'll never leave you nor forsake you. I felt so very alone. Um, if you read the bible, I felt like job, felt like things. I had all these things. Things are great. Then, all of a sudden, things just started getting taken away from me and it got worse. This isn't even the worst part, but, like we, we're going to get into the nitty gritty next episode. But this is how I know God is real is when I was trying to self-harm myself.
Speaker 1:I had used everything you can think of that is sharp, imaginable, to cut my arm, to cut my wrist, and I was not doing vertical, I was doing horizontal cuts on my arm. Nothing broke the skin, but I would play with my cat and he would. He was a kitten and he could cut my skin all he wanted with his nails Made no sense to me. I would, I would hit my head hard, so hard that I would create bruises and stuff. And these were things that I did as outlets because they couldn't control the situation and I didn't know what was happening and I did not know that there was a lot more deep rooted things that I needed to work through or go through. Until I went through all this and me and my friend, we made up. You know, we talked it out, we worked it out, everything's fine and I look at it as a growing experience.
Speaker 1:You know, and again, another reason why I want to talk about mental health is because you don't think about other people when you're not in a good place. And so then when, when you try to talk to someone when your mind's not in a good place, and so then when, when you try to talk to someone when your mind's not in the right place and they don't take it the way you expect them to take it or you want them to take it. We take it so personal and I want you to know before we end this, this podcast for today, because we'll get into more of this next week but if you are not in a good mental mindset, if you are feeling self-harming or suicidal, you need to reach out to a hotline or to someone who can help you, because we were not created to be that way. It literally says in the Bible. We were created to have a sound mind, and a sound mind does not equal a mentally disturbed mind, and a mentally disturbed mind can be anything. It could be just anxiety, depression, stress, suicidal ideations, anything like along those lines. Kind of concluding more of the backstory of me and how I have been able to find myself, change my mental health state, change my view on myself and how I've basically become a completely different person. We'll probably do a little bit of backtracking, a little bit more about the physical aspect of how I feel about myself physically with losing so much weight. We just haven't gotten to that point quite yet, even though I did touch base on it a little bit.
Speaker 1:But I also want you guys to know this is a safe space. My inboxes are always open. You are always allowed to reach out to me if you are struggling. There is no judgment here. There is only help and love and caring, because I know what it feels like to feel like you don't matter and your voice doesn't matter and if you're going through a mental health issue, you're not alone and I'm here to help you through that. And even if I can help put you in the right direction of people that can help you with that, please let me know.
Speaker 1:I know that a lot of these are going to be kind of hard topics to talk about, but they're real topics and they're things that we struggle with on a daily and stuff that we need to be more open about and more honest about with ourselves and with others and, foremost, if you are feeling like any of these things that I've mentioned, you need to. You need to be honest with yourself first and acknowledge it, and then you need to find someone to help you, because your life matters and you are worth being on this earth. You have a plan and a purpose for your life, and it is not over yet. So, with that being said, I love you If no one's told you that you are loved and cared for here and I look forward to talking to you guys more about this next week. I hope that everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving and I hope you guys have a blessed and wonderful week, and I'll be talking to you soon. Thanks for listening to my story and I can't wait to continue it with you on this journey.
